Thursday, 25 June 2009
Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.
We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.
And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.
At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.
In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.
Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.
Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.
Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.
In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.
So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.
Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.
Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.
Monday, 22 June 2009
Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.
Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.
And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.
The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann
Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!
Just look at your royal family for proof.
And to think that last time he was one of its stars. I try to figure what it is that could be leading to his (relatively) dismal performance and inevitably, I reach the conclusion that he is either going in too late or with a shitload of pressure on him. Usually it's a combination of the two.
So I ask South Africa, why do you want to have your cake and not eat it? The original expression is pure rubbish, of course you should eat your bloody cake if you have it or it will go stale, and I've always felt this is more pertinent. Why the fuck do South Africa want to keep Albie's mutant powers in their clutches but then fail to utilise and capitalise on them? It's not as though he's a robot and he'll be just dandy again when they decide to dust him off sometime in the future, because human beings rust.
Okay, no they don't. Robots rust, but I just want you to think carefully here and not get confused by shit analogies, what is wrong with South Africa? They must be behind Albie's lack of firepower since around about January this year. Yes, my dears. I know which month he was last successful.
Clearly if you're walking around saying "Oh, but we have Albie Morkel. He can really hit the ball well" you'd actually turn around and play Albie? Yes? YES FUCKING YES. That is the answer. Die Mickey Arthur and damn you to hell right afterwards. On top of that, die Graeme Smith for being a flat-faced asshole and sticking around to make decent scores against rubbish sides like Scotland and Bangladesh but then failing to do so against tougher competition. That, by the way, is the perfect segue for me to completely devalue die AB's 79* against Scotland. DO IT AGAINST A REAL TEAM, BASTARD. And don't tell me now that he did because I don't want to hear it, I really don't.
In 5 innings, Albie made 54 runs. That's an average of 18. Fuck me if that isn't a rubbish conversion of ability into results. In a similar 5 innings, Jacques Kallis averaged 59.50. Surely, surely, if Jacques can open the batting and make that many runs, Albie would be far more capable of doing well if he were higher up the order. But no, Sticky Mickey has it in for him. He does, I know. I can tell from the evil glint in Mickey's eyes.
Albie's bowling average was the second highest on the team, bettered by everyone except Jacques. But then again, Jacques was the second-highest run scorer in the tournament and IS A FAT FUCK WITH A DOUGHNUT ADDICTION SO HE GETS OFF SCOT-FREE. In a shit consolation, Albie bowled a wicket maiden this tournament. Boo freaking hoo. It's not like he existed for the rest of it anyway.
And as for die AB, I'm not even going to mention anything of his. He can also go to hell with Mickey Arthur and try not to be so disgustingly successful next time. I'd tell him to go play lawn bowls but then he'd turn out to be good at that too.
But whatever, Albie is over South Africa. He is moving to Guatemala to play some real cricket and teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe he'll also migrate to the Netherlands and really rub it in.
In the words of Marie Antoinette, and Albie himself, "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"
WOOHOO! DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS MAN?
And this might not have sunk in yet, but the tournament is OVER. It is the greatest feeling in the world when a tournament like this ends before you've gotten so sick of it you never want to turn on the television again.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Grinding men to a pulp.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
They're ridiculously scrawny, as is this post. But then again, ridiculousness is my specialty.
Spotted: Will he catch it?
On the topic of Australians, something just came to mind. Has anyone else noticed that Ben Laughlin has chicken legs?
Oh wait, I actually can. Sorry, it's just the IPL hangover, it still hasn't gone away. A tournament in 16 days would be blasphemy to sponsors and the economic sensibilities of a man who cannot afford socks.
So, Pakistan vs. Sri Lanka. WHO WILL WIN? I don't mind either really, but I had made some half-baked comments that I'd be supporting Pakistan so why the hell not? But after the amazing performance the Lankans had against the Windies, wouldn't it also be some kind of injustice if they didn't walk away with the trophy?
Dilshan's 96 was mindblowing and I fell asleep sometme after Angelo Mathews' first over which was pretty fucking brilliant. Mind you, if I was capable of staying up longer I would have, but my body just gave way. Looks like not much went on after that in the way of a dramatic turnaround by the West Indies.
Friday, 19 June 2009
He had surrendered "to some FBI agents who were hiding out in black SUVs outside the residence where he was staying in Virginia". He walked out and asked if they had a warrant. Stanford told the agents to arrest him if they had a warrant, but if they did not have a warrant, he would go back to Houston to turn himself in.
The stickiest wicket of all.
Don't allow yourself to be tricked by his ways. The question is, is he really enjoying it? Or is his unfortunate facial structure preventing him from doing so?
What bowler wouldn't want that?
And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.
So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.
It's Afridi and he really likes it.
Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:
"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."
Boncam sends that last one in.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
What do I say? Oh, right, South Africa vs. Pakistan. Obviously South Africa because they've now had a few days to prepare for this and despite their claims, they've really just been training 12 hours a day, not going to the movies.
You already know the drill about which player performs best and which performs the worst. Surprisingly, neither are from the Pakistani side. Do the math, kiddos. Or don't, I don't really care. Go Albie you fucking machine. Belt the shit out of that ball or I will pull off one of die AB's toenails.
I won't, I'm entirely opposed to torture. But that's something for you to think about.
I know I keep saying this, but TOMORROW I will be back in Sydney and therefore capable of actually posting properly. So bear with me here, I'm pretty exhausted, I've been on my feet flat out for a few days now and it's really fucking tiring. KRudd was looking awesome at the Press Gallery Ball last night. He's very smooth, that Kevin. I do quite like him, yes, as you no doubt know.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Does he not look like the freakiest overgrown child ever? Kind of like die AB in real life.
He's all style.
See what he did there.
And then there's ROFL, the evil elf I can't help but love in all his angry spinning glory and shut-eyed swinging at balls. Cricket balls, that is.Nice elf.
By the way, this post in no way warrants a dozen Anonymous people commenting with a "do Graeme Smith up as a tranny" type comment. It's not on, friends. This is a post about Luke Wright and ROFL, not Graeme Smith.
But for those of you who were unfortunate enough to see die AB receiving the MoM award in the India match, I have good news. It didn't actually happen. It was all a FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.
I'm telling the truth because someone has to. And I'd never lie to you about something regarding die AB, would I? No, I didn't think so. There was a big mix-up, they actually meant A[l]B[ie] is the man of the match. Pretty good stuff for 8 runs and a shit over in the bowling, but I think we can safely say he deserved it more than anyone else did.
And New Zealand, oh New Zealand. You should have lost that one, but I didn't want you to. I really didn't.
Australia are pretending the tournament didn't happen and they're just focusing on the Ashes.
Apologies for the short post, but I am on twitter for exactly this reason. I'm not dead, just terribly busy and believe me, I'd prefer that I weren't but such is life. As it turns out, I offer amazing insights on twitter that NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER KNOW. Yes. Really.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.
But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:
Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.
The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:
But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.The things he does for Morne.
In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:
A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.
Monday, 15 June 2009
But now there's a FakeGraemeSmith and they are intent on telling everyone the true identity of RealGraemeSmith. Oh no! Guess what? It's me.
Like you didn't already know. So how about I make it official? I wrote RealGraemeSmith's twitter page. RealGraemeSmith was really me. Many of you already knew, but apparently it's scandalous or something.
Now go about your business again and don't forget to take Albie to lunch.
Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.
Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.
Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.
All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:
Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."
FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.
Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.
The Scots are clever freaks. I like them.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
First of all, what? Second of all, I don't exactly agree but the description is funny as hell:
AB de Villiers may not have the crazy eyes of the doll (part of a series called Good Guys) from Child's Play, but any casting director worth his salt can see how well the South African batsman with the choirboy looks would make a bone-chilling slasher by night, to go with his batsman-slaughterer persona by day. In the twilight hours, de Villiers changes his cricket whites for bloody overalls and pulls out a knife concealed in his bat handle, before going on a killing spree, targeting music critics who've been less than kind to his singing career. Yeah, AB, show them who you (really) are.There is absolutely nothing better than taking the piss out of die AB's song.
Still, I can think of a dozen better cricketers to be perfect players by day and serial killers at night. The one that springs to mind first is Sybrand Engelbrecht. In fact, I do believe I had detailed this secret part of his life in a previous post of mine. The Ghost of the Knight, that's what he is.
The rest of the article gets a lot wrong, but points for trying. Any valiant movie watcher who combines that knowledge with cricket could come up with a better list. Yes, valiant.
It just so happens that with the fall of Graeme Smith, Amy S. is now going Twitter on you. The timing of this is completely coincidental and you shouldn't read into it too much, unless of course you want to.
Will you look at that? It's the blog on twitter. For everyone who kept asking when I would do it. Maybe this way you'll know I'm still alive even if I don't post so often. Maybe.
I have often noticed that commentators, in all their retired glory, don't seem to find the actual commenting on cricket aspect of their job all that appealing, but rather, they prefer the more creative part. It lets them experiment, go wild, get their brains churning, etc.
I am, of course, referring to the nondescript commentary they provide on what is going on in the brains of the cricketers. You'd think half these men gave up their dream of being script writers from the marvellous and extensive thoughts they invent for the players. Thankfully, having retired from the game and secured a commentary position with a top notch broadcaster, they're free to pursue their long lost dreams in which they provide the voices for the puppets on the field.
In fact, they practically shit themselves when the captain walks up to his bowler and has a nice long chat with him. "Brilliant!" the commentators exclaim. "What might they be saying? Ah, I know..." At which point he proceeds to describe in painfully boring detail what the on-field conversation is. Sometimes they come up with thoughts/dialogue for the players that are outlandishly far-fetched, turning a slightly grim expression into an "OH NOEZ!!!!1!!! WE R FCUKED!!!" But it's all part of the job, really. Having unnecessarily translated a facial expression or conversation for audiences around the world, the men at the helm smile to themselves contently. The world is a better place with everyone knowing just what you think is going on in Chris Gayle's head.
Sometimes, I listen to their imaginings of conversations and I think, if they're going to offer something up, why not make it wonderfully interesting? Why not tell listeners that the reason Vettori is looking so unhappy out there is because he's cheating on his wife with Baz? If I were offered the opportunity to deliver such truths to listeners, I wouldn't stop at anything. I would exercise creative license to turn a word of congratulations between players on opposing teams into reason for calling them out on match-fixing or batting for the wrong side, and literally this time.
Unfortunately, all we have is a bunch of smug old men inventing a completely unfunny line of dialogue for Sehwag and then chuckling at their own cleverness. The power of commentating, if it rested in other hands, could be put to better use.
fucking ab de villiersAnd I believe it is said in a vehement, anger-filled way. A "fucking AB de Villiers keeps being an overtly humble prick" kind of way. Not a "I'd like to know how best to go about fucking AB de Villiers way".
At the same time, I have terrible searches leading to my blog. Take, for example:
jacques kallis muscularOh yeah. Take care not to vomit. That reminds me, there's a question I've been pondering for a while. Is there anyone in this world who actually likes Jacques Kallis, and if so, why the fuck do they?
Despite Chris Gayle's valiant attempts to distract them with some ultra-cool sunnies, the saffas did not budge. They've had good practice at this, especially after Stuart Broad's attempts to deliberately distract the South African batsmen. Also because once their eyes lock onto the missile, also known as the ball, they do not take their eyes off it, not even to look at Broad's delicate hands.
You know what's creepy? As I check Cricinfo for Kallis' bowling figures because they're pretty fucking funny, I see they have also spoken of the "South African juggernaut rolling on. I don't write for them, just in case you were wondering. My singular brain is on par with their collective brains, however. Jacques' figures are 2-0-23-0 by the way. Hahahaha, that's far too good. Fingers crossed he'll stop playing T20s.
I won't mention Albie's figures because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. You want fairness? Go somewhere else. He was brilliant, just brilliant. A wicket on a no ball which is better than no wicket at all, and a small error involving a wide which ended up costing 5 runs. BRILLIANT.
Wayne Parnell had to do even more this match to finally get the MoM award. 4/13 is the result of his mastering the art of bowling yorkers and actually bowling at the stumps. With all the creative shit bowlers are trying to come up with, it seems everyone forgot that simply bowling at the stumps and waiting for a wicket is remarkably successful.
Lendl Simmons is the only batsman on the West Indies side who should be walking away from this match with a smile on his face, although he might not be smiling because they still lost despite his 77. Seriously, the things some people have to put up with...
And now I come to Albie. You were waiting for it all along, I know. That 10 off 8, especially after the perfect opportunity presented itself when die AB got ahead of himself and got out on 17. After being promoted up the order to actually come in before the 16th over. That was amazing, that last bit. Everything was set in place for Albie to kill someone, preferably with his bat. He didn't, but the very clever Jerome Taylor was behind it. The smart bastard bowled a few bouncers and then nailed Albie with a great yorker. Even Albie appreciated that one. Super Shades Gayle had instructed Taylor to go about targeting Albie with bouncers and this is CLEARLY him going after the most dangerous batsman on the side. I mean, obviously. For this reason, Albie's dismissal was alright. He felt the respect as he walked off that field.
I think Nasser Hussain wants to marry die AB, just like every other commentator out there.
And in the current match, New Zealand are killing me. Dan the Man is playing but... they're killing me. They really are.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
I will then laugh at Dhoni for an extra special reserved period of time.
Then I will bake a cake, for reasons to be explained later in this post.
Next, I will watch Jacques Kallis get out for a duck, followed by another duck from die AB.
After this, I will watch Albie Morkel hit the ball out of the fucking park and pillage the same Windies that beat the '07 champions.
As I am doing this, I will cry tears of joy and blow out the candles on the cake, all 28 of them. I will say "ya did well, kid" to the television as Albie goes on to make a half century.
Then I will watch New Zealand destroy Pakistan.
All in a day's work.
Friday, 12 June 2009
"I keep it locked away in a pouch in the top left-hand corner of my wardrobe. Every day I make sure it's there. I'll have a peek. It might be in the morning, at night, or even if I'm having a coffee, I'll walk upstairs and look at it. I'll smell it sometimes. It smells like alcohol because of the couple of wins we had in the first Tests in South Africa."
He wants to touch it all over.
He was just really happy is all. That's how 28 year olds look when they're happy, like the innocent bliss you feel when you don't know that later in the day you won't get a chance to bat because a fat fucker hogs the limelight. That same man then goes on to be MoM when clearly it should have been Albie getting it, JUST BECAUSE.
If I had to nominate the best South African bowler in the England match, it would be tough. Because there was no clear winner, they were all great. Oh fuck it, one of them was clearly the best.
Have a guess. Go on, guess.
If you thought Wayne Parnell, get the fuck off this blog.
I'm talking about the REAL star whose efforts went unnoticed, even though he bloody well bowled the best he ever has in his life. Yes, it was Albie Morkel the 28 year old. He went for no runs at all in his spell, his extremely long, hard fought spell. The one over spell which took concentration far beyond that which any other all-rounder in the world possesses. It wasn't just a maiden, it was a wicket maiden, as Albie ran down the pitch and gobbled up KP with his large mouth.
I'm sure if Albie had bowled more overs, he would have repeated exactly the same thing. That would silence all his critics.
England were... well, they were England. I'm sorry for them, I really am.
There's a little something that I do that is unique to me, and it revolves around a rather strange fetish of mine, being to map the locations of every single pub in England on a giant world map stuck to my bedroom wall. I've got all the relevant pins in Cornwall, which is why it's such a travesty that I do not have any pubs located in London stuck there. It always disturbs me to know that.
That was before I discovered the Snaptu fancyapint app, and by extension, the Snaptu Cricinfo app. How it changed my pub-stalking life. Simon sends in the words that may have changed my life forever:
Chris Gayle - there's a cricket ball in my pint! - an anonymous report from the Dog House pub at Kennington Cross near the site of our disgrace (it exists by the way).
As I sat dismally in the Vauxhall End Stand at the Oval today reviewing the match scorecard and cricinfo’s commentary of the last over on my mobile phone I thought sod it - I'm out of here, find me a decent pub.
Luckily I use Snaptu's cricinfo app on my phone and guess what, it has the fancyapint? London pub guide on it too, so before long I was swallowing hard. It also has Twitter, so I was also swallowing hard as I read the banter coming in when I looked at the #WT20 tweets flooding the network!
Ah, here comes Ricky… his round I believe!
Apart from the fact it was useful for completing my pub world map, it's Cricinfo and it's on my mobile and I damn well like it. You might like it too.
But best of all, it's free. You'll go smiling to your grave.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.
Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.
I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.
What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:
After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.
Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.
Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.
In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.
And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Innocent young boy prepares to morph into Mary Poppins.
Why, you ask? Good question. Because he went to an "asshole-infested, sickeningly self-obsessed private school". Of course, she didn't say exactly that. I'm paraphrasing very loosely. But basically, he went to one of those schools, and as I look it up now, I see it is Saint Ignatius' College. The woman in question went to a different school, quite obviously, and she never did know whether this John guy wasn't half as bad as the other bastards that went to the school, but she said no anyway.
Apparently John Davison had a thing for redheads.
Which is why I find myself in a dilemma and at a crossroads, because while I may normally have been able to do my job, run my life and also blog, now it's a little more difficult to continue blogging. I do think I would be able to perhaps blog once a day in a post which encompasses just about everything I'm thinking or what I'd usually say, but would it even be worth it? I'm putting that question out to anyone who cares enough to answer it.
So that is the news, and this is the post. Good day to all you folks out there who read this blog. Or goodnight. Either works.
Also, a quick look at the blogroll tells me that apparently it's Albie's birthday today. Poor guy, he's already 28 and he's only played in one Test. You're not getting any younger, Albie. And why on earth did he fail to capitalise largely on die AB's loss in the match against New Zealand? Damn you to hell, die AB, cursing Albie's chances all the time. I know it was him because who else would wish Albie ill?
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
The boys could learn a lot from their women who cleaned up the Kiwis in a practice match. Knowing the men's team, a warm-up against New Zealand would have met exactly the opposite result. I do believe Amy S. the cricketer played for New Zealand. Nice. I don't know why, but I inevitably end up supporting New Zealand in cricket matches. It just happens, I have no control over it. Maybe I do like the poor fellows across the sea.
In tonight's matches (or today's, depending on where you are) it's South Africa against NZ, and the Netherlands against Pakistan. Bit of a no-brainer, seeing as I've just said the thing about my inability to go against New Zealand. The Kiwis over SA, and the Dutchmen over Pakistan. The first of these because I couldn't stand die AB doing his usual shit again, and then overdoing the humility afterwards. Also because I need Dan the Man to play today and unleash the power of his spectacles on die AB. I'm all in favour of Albie topscoring for the saffas, though. Really, it's the only outcome I'm in favour of.
As for the Netherlands over Pakistan, imagine the Super Eights being comprised of A QUARTER minnows and three quarters usual teams. That's almost unheard of. Also because their uniform is orange and no other country would have the balls to do that. I mean, look at them. So many variations of green and blue it's not funny. That's why the orange trumps all, even if they only chose it because all the other colours were taken.
I'm trying to imagine just how stupid Ricky Ponting feels, but I cannot seem to accurately imagine the magnitude of it.
There is one significant thing I'm going to mention, and that is Australia's exit from the World Twenty20. If that isn't the most hilarious thing to happen all tournament (perhaps even slighty funnier than England's loss to the Netherlands) I don't know what is. For all the time they spent not caring about Twenty20, Australia now look like a bunch of idiots. The equivalent of a team like Scotland.
To think that Australia are ranked number 1 in another form of the game.
And another thing. In the closing moments of the match, as Sri Lanka hit the winning runs, I could have sworn Ricky Ponting almost laughed. I would too if I were the captain of a shithouse team. Ajantha Mendis didn't even have to do all too much to make the Australians bow down to him.
Ireland are also in the Super Eights. This tournament is possibly the strangest thing to occur since glow-in-the-dark rabbits.
Monday, 8 June 2009
70/5 and more than halfway through the match. Not a bad score if Bangladesh accelerate in the last 7 overs like a better team would, but you know... it's Bangladesh.
I can't say much though, because they've beaten bigger fish before.
Anyway, as I said in the post, anyone can win. So everyone won. I know, I'm a cheat. Can't help it.
Today's QotD is one about numbers and figures:
Who was captaining the side against which Michael Clarke took 5 or more wickets in a single match? Also state the ground at which this occurred.
There you go, a nice statistical one to please experts of that sort. Ryan Campbell knows the answer to this one.
I invite you to take a moment to guess.
Appropriate responses would include a tough work-out session in the nets, bowling at a brick wall non-stop for 7 hours a day since the loss to the Netherlands, a stern talking to by coach or by the captain.
Slightly less appropriate but still effective responses include being offered a pay rise in return for doing well in this match, daddy organising a visit from a few escorts (oh yes, escorts, they're top class these Broad boys), having his head bashed in by a rampant Andre Nel working for the ECB, or even having people finally accept that yes, Broady is a man. Just look at those manly golden locks.
Alright, you done? Good, because you should be. Because the secret to Stuart Broad's success is... Maccas. No, that is not some sort of dig at a night out with Andrew McDonald, I'm talking real food here. Says Colly when asked about Stuart's turnaround:
Ten bucks says it was a Happy Meal.
Why oh why did he have to fall on his shoulder during practice? That just creates a whole lot of drama I don't like at all.
The thing is, New Zealand need Dan fit by Tuesday. And so do I. Because I just really need him to take die AB's wicket.
This is Mitch when he was named Sportsman of the Year at Pimlico State High School in 1998. Oh yeah:
Hahahahahahahaha. Dear me, isn't that a sight to see? He must be so glad he grew out of that look.
I think he's pretty pleased with himself.
England are through to the Super Eights based on their NRR. The breathe a collective sigh of relief because they were so damn close to not making it that this escape from embarrassment will be more than well received. It was really a matter of one match that would have decided their fate. Nice compact format, this World T20.
There's a pretty funny photo of KP's dismissal:
Good one, Ajmal.
Don't mind me. I just haven't slept for 48 hours. I'm sure that's the only reason I'm feeling so STRANGE right now. Or wait, could it be AB downplaying the massive score of 211 his team posted? Could it?
In any tournament every team wants to develop the big ‘M’ – momentum – as soon as possible, and that’s exactly what we took from our opening match against Scotland at the Oval this afternoon.The big 'M', huh? What's that, die AB? Are you English now? Fuck.
We respected the opposition, but managed to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately earned a comfortable win.YES, SO MUCH RESPECT THAT 75 WAS. SO VERY MUCH RESPECT. I'm so pleased you "managed" to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately ensured a "comfortable" win. I wasn't quite sure you'd "manage" there. And gee, it was a tough one, wasn't it? That "comfortable" win didn't come by easily.
There were some nerves around the squad in the morning, but Graeme Smith andDIE AB, DIE AB, DO YOU CALL 211 SIMPLY A "DECENT" SCORE? It's South Africa's largest T20 score to date. What a "decent" score.
Jacques Kallis established a fantastic platform at the top of our innings and the rest of us were able to take advantage and ensure we posted a decent score of 211.
I was pleased with my knock, and once again enjoyed batting at the Oval – it’s a great deck and an excellent outfield.Yes, I do believe the outfield was instrumental in you scoring your very many sixes. The ball just RACED over the outfield, it practically flew. The fielders could do nothing about it. Well done, groundsmen. Well done on creating an outfield perfect for sixes.
So it was a pretty decent afternoon all around.I HAVE NO WORDS.
I cannot even begin to explain why he irks me so. You might take the above comments to be gracious and respectful towards the opposition who SA absolutely smashed, but I know for certain that any other player on the team (except Jacques Kallis) would have put it in such a way which didn't downplay their own efforts to the extent that Scotland is practically ridiculed. It's all AB. Die AB, that AB, he's such a great sportsman.
Okay, it may be the lack of sleep making me this frantic. But damn, die AB pisses me off so fucking much I do not have words to explain it.
In the same match, Albie shared a sizeable partnership with die AB and ended up getting 24 from 14 balls, including two sixes. He was then caught by the best Scottish player on the side that day Kyle Coetzer, who also smashed Albie for two sixes and thus made him the most expensive South African bowler. Lucky he took two wickets.
Look, someone who doesn't piss me off. Hurrah.Jacques Kallis made 48... from 41 balls. I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
I hate to even look at it.
Obviously, if you answer "not very pathetic at all, but rather, a dashing fellow" you're not going to win. I am the judge after all. The best answer wins this one.
Not much to say except after the innings Gayle and Fletcher had, everyone wanted the Windies to win this match.
But I do believe there should be more cricketers named Xavier. "X Marshall" is the best name on the scorecards from both of these teams. Maybe you could even change your last name to "Treem" or something. I don't know, just saying. The possibilities are endless. Isn't there a BMX rider who legally changed his name to Kamikaze? It's be just like that, only CRICKET.
I think I need some sleep. Well done to the West Indies. They beat the Aussies with 4 whole overs (and one ball) to spare. That's massive. They didn't play close to a quarter of the time the Australians did.
The crowd certainly thinks the Australian loss is very appropriate. Never have there been so many West Indian supporters in the same place, more than half not even having geographical ties to the Windies.
But fuck, the West Indies are batting awesomely. Those first 5 or 6 overs were like a goldmine, and the best kind too. A boundary was practically expected off each ball. Not to mention Chris Gayle's absolutely massive six.
A fever pitch crowd baying for Australian blood. Looks like that wish will come true if the Windies don't magically fuck everything up, which is looking pretty unlikely and besides, choking is what South Africans do best, not the West Indies. A win for them will also happen a lot sooner if Australia continue to bowl the same excruciatingly high number of wides and no balls.
Brett Lee goes into the record books for that over from hell, I believe. 27 runs off it, the 4th highest in T20 International history. He's also lost a bit of the ol' pace it seems. Mitchell Johnson fared no better and was brutally savaged by Gayle and Fletcher. Australia gave it all away in those first few overs.
Will Gayle get one of the fastest centuries ever?
Saturday, 6 June 2009
Ah, the look of youth and awkward gangly body parts which don't seem to fit together. And of fangs which will soon grow even bigger. Of looking like the check out kid at the local supermarket.
Just how old is Mitchell Johnson in this photo? I do know the answer, but I also thought I'd share the amusing photo.
Determined not to rub the victory into England's faces, Netherlands captain Jeroen Smits tells reporters:
"We played okay. Batting wise we played up to our capabilities but fielding wise and bowling wise there is still room for improvement."
If I were captain of the Dutch side at the moment, I would just... you have no idea what I would be saying. England would be cringing more than ever. But Smits refrains. Go the Netherlands.
Now they're looking at qualifying for the Super Eights, and if possible, the semifinals. Awesome, you say? It is indeed.
Pakistan are going to be facing two teams determined not to lose to them. England, because if they were out of the tournament within 3 days it would be the greatest embarrassment ever suffered since the Stanford debacle, and the Netherlands, because they've taken time off work without pay, beaten the hosts, and now they bloody well want to get as far as possible in this tournament.
"Yoda, I am."
I'm hoping you know that's Pup in the pic.
The video is here. It is highly amusing. You can't help but feel that even the team members know just how ridiculous they look standing up there. Dhoni appears to be trying not to laugh before he begins a short statement denying rumours of a rift between him and Sehwag.
I wonder just how much attention this supposed rift has been receiving in India for the team to actually come out and deny it. And for management to cart everyone into a news conference specifically for this purpose.
"I've got a fair bit to consider I suppose and I appreciate you all coming out here this morning and I will come out and make a proper full statement when I've gathered my thoughts and sat down with family and friends."
"We were just having a laugh," Broad tells reporters. "Jimmy thought it'd be funny to give the Dutch fellows a win and take it from there."
"Graeme and Kevin were at home blowing up party balloons to celebrate the planned loss to the Netherlands," Colly continues. "Straussy was over too. They were watching the match on telly and having a bit of a laugh."
"That expression on my face?" Stuart is surprised. "Oh, at the end? Which one was it again?" The reporters oblige him.
"Oh, that," Broad says as he views the photograph. "Completely planned."
Beside him, Collingwood nods. "Completely planned. Bring on the Pakistani boys, I say."
Friday, 5 June 2009
What's the name of the fastest cake?Did you laugh? I did. I spent a good ten minutes laughing at the one. Good one, Broady! He's a riot, that boy.
Too late, it's scone.
He also likes bananas and has a rather creepy banana fetish, the details of which I won't go into. It is too disturbing.
Broad still has some genius left in him. He tries claiming he has hit puberty, but nobody believes him of course. Then comes the biggest shock. Not only is he physically doomed to be trapped in the body of a 9 year old, but he is also on a similar mental platform as a 9 year old:
What is the best sledge ever aimed at you?Jesus, no use trying to sledge the boy, it'll just go completely over the top of his head. To be honest, sometimes you can sympathise with him. Dale Steyn, who is not very well known for his sledging abilities, has had a crack at sending some comments down Broad's way. Here is the result, as dictated by Stuart:
I can never really explain what is going on when I'm getting sledged. So, I end up just nodding and smiling, which seems to annoy them more.
Hahahahaha, and with that, my friends, I leave you, although not to do anything particularly interesting. Canberra is a pretty boring place at night, I'm afraid. I know the locals like its... smallness, but damn, I wouldn't want to live here my whole life. It's good for occasional visits. Fingers crossed I don't have to start living here.
Do you play dumb or does it come naturally? I think.... I mean, Dale Steyn just called me Baywatch for the whole series when we played against them [South Africa]. I didn't really know what he meant, it certainly wasn't for my strapping figure.
Now go watch some cricket.
I wonder if every time KP does that he realises just how much the other person wants to bash his head in.
In the words of England's best Queen, we are not amused. Or at least, Ravi Bopara isn't.
I ask you, what the fuck?
Now I don't usually like to point out things like this because it's a load of crap, but it's so bloody obvious here that it's impossible not to mention it.
And it's not just some strange error in lighting because, look, JP's free from the curse:
In the same series of shots, Albie's looking like Noddy, and AB's head is proportionately huge compared to the rest of his body.
It's almost sickening to watch.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Includes questions, etc, from the media. It gives a little more detail, anyway.
Apparently Andrew Symonds may be heading home if the reports are to be believed.
I'm at a loss for words.
EDIT: Here we go, it is relating to alcohol. You'll never learn, Roy.
According to Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland, Symonds broke team rules related to alcohol and other issues, while the captain, Ricky Ponting, is due to address the media in London at 1pm.Cue the very many jokes to be made at his expense in the next few days.
What did he do this time? Ask Baz where the bloody hell he was on British radio?
Ah, and now he might just lose his central contract. Well done, Roy. It was all worth it for that one drink, wasn't it?
"Siddle's a wanker" became a popular chant among the South African fans during this year's series.There you go. Bloody hell, if I were a saffa, I'd be pretty freaking embarrassed by those efforts. It might even be worse than Aussie fans and the Glenn McGrath song, although that was slightly awesome, I'll admit.
But "Siddle's a wanker" is bereft of any real knife-plunging qualities, not that fans are usually capable of coming up with anything good anyway. However, there have been a few good sledges from crowds in past years. If I were Sidds, I would laugh in the faces of these saffas.
In Andrew McDonald news, he tells us he isn't motivated by Bob Willis' Ronald McDonald comparisons in the papers. Gee, I wonder why.
I also can't help noticing that a certain fake person has begun blogging again. While I don't particularly have any real interest in it at all, I just thought I'd link to an interview with the Fake IPL Player which I believed to be fake itself. As it turns out, the interview is actually real. Yeah. I know. He's struggling to come to terms with being old news, the poor thing.
But I had no idea the movie had been released when I stumbled across this trailer for the movie. It's so great I have no words for it:
That's alright but even better than it is this excerpt (?) from the movie. I don't really know where it fits in, but it appears to be a song from the movie in which the captains of pretty much every cricketing nation of the world talk about just how great the main character of the film (a young Indian cricketer) is and how they just can't find a way to break his defences. Tony Greig also gets a few words in:
It's just really bloody hilarious.
In a recent interview, AB does a 180 and pretends he never had that game plan he has often talked about. Instead, he's paraphrasing Sehwag's genius:
What is the gameplan?
It's not difficult. See the ball and hit it.
Last I checked, "see the ball and hit it" is a lot like "watch ball, hit ball". Just look at AB go. The little devil.
Next thing you know, AB's going to be saying he visualises songs when he's at the crease, just like good old Sehwag.
I'm onto AB.
I am horrified.
And I now know what Ampie du Preez looks like. You bastard, who's the zombie now?
And no, it's not just celebrating his century. There's something significant about this photo. Do you remember what?
By the way, apparently Mitch Johnson proposed to Jessica of the famous underwear. I have it on good authority that Clarke smugly called Mitch a copycat.