Amy S. Talks Cricket

Rest In Peace, Amy

2009-09-06T13:19:00.006+10:00

My name is Kate. I was one of Amy’s closest friends before she passed away in July in a car accident. She was 26. For a long time I’ve been deliberating over whether I should post this and I haven’t known how to deliver the painful news to people I don’t know. I wasn’t even sure whether I should say anything at all, but I feel a responsibility to post this because Amy obviously felt this blog held some importance to her or she wouldn’t have continued posting until she did.

It is very hard to write this so soon after and I still feel hurt, but some of you may have grown close to her and so deserve to know what has happened. Amy didn’t talk about this blog extensively with me, mainly because I do not follow cricket and I barely know how to play it. We’d known each other since high school and she had always been the one who’d excelled at this sport. She was selected for the NSW all schools team and very nearly entered a career in playing cricket but it was hard for her because she never had the support she deserved and eventually she chose other talents over this and became a journalist.

Amy talked more about this blog with her boyfriend Andrew, and it was him who told me that we should probably tell readers of her blog what had happened. He was going to write this post himself but he wasn’t able to, just as it is so hard for me to do this now. I can only assume that this blog meant something to her because she kept writing even after she recently changed jobs and started working in Canberra as a staff member handling media relations for Kevin Rudd’s office. It was physically and mentally taxing and because of it we hadn’t been in much contact for the few weeks before she became sick. But she kept posting here and so I feel you should at least know what has happened to her. Amy was quite sick with the flu when she passed away, and she’d been driving back from Canberra Hospital when the accident happened. She wasn’t the driver at fault, but she might have been able to save her life if she wasn’t feeling a little lethargic from the Tamiflu she was taking.

I would just like to say that Amy was an amazing person. She was so dynamic. There were so many facets to her life. She was a writer, manager, feminist, sportsperson and as she joked to me the last time we talked, “a political lackey”. I like to think that most people didn’t know the whole Amy except for Andrew and close friends and family, not because she didn’t want them to know but because there was always so much going on with Amy it was almost intimidating. I hope that some of you got to know more sides of her than one and I feel regret for those who didn’t get the chance to because she was well worth knowing. For as long as I can remember, right through to high school, Amy was involved in the community, volunteering at any charity that would take her in, doing her bit to make her mark on the world. Now she is gone, these marks seem to be everywhere I look. She felt very strongly about things and hated discrimination of any kind. A good deal of her earnings went to microfinance organisations and she’d made the lives of many women around the world better through this. It’s as though she was only just on her way up the ladder of success when she passed away and the injustice of this cannot leave me.

Maybe something even more important to Amy was music. Sometimes it felt like she knew every song ever written. She didn’t, of course, but that was Amy. She loved good music. I always thought she could hold her own in a conversation with Alan Brough or Myf Warhurst. Amy always told me that her earliest memory was of when she was 2 and at the Live Aid concert. Her parents were always big on music too, and they’d been living in England for a few years when they attended Live Aid in 1985. Amy said she didn’t remember much, just a huge surge of people and noise, but it was still a defining moment in her life. She was 8 when Freddie Mercury died and 18 when George Harrison did, and both times she cried because music and the people related to it were such a big part of her life. Amy was probably more devoted to The Beatles than any other band. She was the truest supporter I’ve ever met, and a genuine appreciator of their music. She was also the only Beatles fan I know who didn’t hate Yoko Ono, but rather, loved her for being a strong, amazing woman. Soon after we met each other in high school, Amy wrote to Yoko telling her how much she admired her as a feminist and I can still remember Amy’s shock when Yoko actually wrote back with some kind words and a “thank you”. I’ve never heard the end of it. That was a huge thing for Amy when she was a teenager. From then on, music and feminism have been two massive parts of her life.

It took a while to find the necessary details to access Amy’s google account and post this, but it has been sorted out now. I hope that some of you got to see the real Amy for the strong, funny person she was and I hope you remember her in years to come. There were many, many people in this world who loved her, including me.

Amy’s funeral service was held on the 16th July. Rest In Peace, Amy.

I am a nature photographer for a magazine, but I’ve occasionally asked Amy to take a few shots of her. I’m not quite as good at photographing people, but this is one of my favourite photos of Amy. It was taken at the start of this year.

Feel free to use this photo of Amy for any appropriate purposes and to remember her as we will.

Sincerely,

Kate Mezzoni

Amy's last post

2009-09-05T13:07:00.011+10:00

Amy had begun writing a post a few days before she passed away. It was a few words long and uncompleted, as it spoke of creating a Wordle, a graphical representation of the most commonly used words on a website.

We do not know whether she created one, but she was contemplating it. It seems fitting, then, that we do so for her, to bring this blog to a close and even to encompass all it represented in a few words.

Australia's Horror Day

2009-06-25T22:38:00.004+10:00

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

England's Ashes Hopes

2009-06-22T22:42:00.004+10:00

Lie in the hands of 16 men among whom there is no MPV or Harmison. Not that we expected the former to play.

Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.

Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.

And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.

The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann

Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!

Just look at your royal family for proof.

Albie's fate in the World T20

2009-06-22T18:38:00.004+10:00

I don't want to dwell on this for too long because it is truly a sad, sad thing that such injustices are happening in the world. But Albie Morkel... he didn't have a good time in the 2nd ICC World T20. He didn't have a good time at all.

And to think that last time he was one of its stars. I try to figure what it is that could be leading to his (relatively) dismal performance and inevitably, I reach the conclusion that he is either going in too late or with a shitload of pressure on him. Usually it's a combination of the two.

So I ask South Africa, why do you want to have your cake and not eat it? The original expression is pure rubbish, of course you should eat your bloody cake if you have it or it will go stale, and I've always felt this is more pertinent. Why the fuck do South Africa want to keep Albie's mutant powers in their clutches but then fail to utilise and capitalise on them? It's not as though he's a robot and he'll be just dandy again when they decide to dust him off sometime in the future, because human beings rust.

Okay, no they don't. Robots rust, but I just want you to think carefully here and not get confused by shit analogies, what is wrong with South Africa? They must be behind Albie's lack of firepower since around about January this year. Yes, my dears. I know which month he was last successful.

Clearly if you're walking around saying "Oh, but we have Albie Morkel. He can really hit the ball well" you'd actually turn around and play Albie? Yes? YES FUCKING YES. That is the answer. Die Mickey Arthur and damn you to hell right afterwards. On top of that, die Graeme Smith for being a flat-faced asshole and sticking around to make decent scores against rubbish sides like Scotland and Bangladesh but then failing to do so against tougher competition. That, by the way, is the perfect segue for me to completely devalue die AB's 79* against Scotland. DO IT AGAINST A REAL TEAM, BASTARD. And don't tell me now that he did because I don't want to hear it, I really don't.

In 5 innings, Albie made 54 runs. That's an average of 18. Fuck me if that isn't a rubbish conversion of ability into results. In a similar 5 innings, Jacques Kallis averaged 59.50. Surely, surely, if Jacques can open the batting and make that many runs, Albie would be far more capable of doing well if he were higher up the order. But no, Sticky Mickey has it in for him. He does, I know. I can tell from the evil glint in Mickey's eyes.

Albie's bowling average was the second highest on the team, bettered by everyone except Jacques. But then again, Jacques was the second-highest run scorer in the tournament and IS A FAT FUCK WITH A DOUGHNUT ADDICTION SO HE GETS OFF SCOT-FREE. In a shit consolation, Albie bowled a wicket maiden this tournament. Boo freaking hoo. It's not like he existed for the rest of it anyway.

And as for die AB, I'm not even going to mention anything of his. He can also go to hell with Mickey Arthur and try not to be so disgustingly successful next time. I'd tell him to go play lawn bowls but then he'd turn out to be good at that too.

Shithead.

But whatever, Albie is over South Africa. He is moving to Guatemala to play some real cricket and teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe he'll also migrate to the Netherlands and really rub it in.

In the words of Marie Antoinette, and Albie himself, "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

Boom Boom Afridi

2009-06-22T16:03:00.005+10:00

You know I was going to say it, I just had to. I've been sitting on this all day because apparently I changed internet service providers and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. Those liars. So that's one giant fucking problem I have to deal with when I get home.

But wait, AFRIDI. He wasn't very "boom boom" at all, actually. More measured and playing like Sri Lanka normally would, only it was Pakistan. So that was strange and out of character, but I can only assume some sort of Freaky Friday-esque thing happened and the two teams switched souls. I guess that means Barbara Harris was living inside of Afridi so obviously they had to win. Barbara Harris is a winner, everyone knows that.

As for Sri Lanka, Jayasuriya and King Kumar were the only real standouts as they attempted to rally and post a decent score. But how about Angelo Mathews at the end? That was strange and rather fortunate. Poor Dilshan, he could have gone on to do great things. As it was, his duck led to a final which isn't all that memorable, except perhaps for Pakistan, for whom this is a pretty great win.

And as expected, this is huge in Pakistan. So huge their President is giving something like 1 million rupees to Younis and Afridi, and half that to the rest of the team. Um, wow? Don't mind me saying so, but I'm pretty sure there's a billion other places he could be putting that money to use. Anyway, Pakistan win so all the more glory to them.

WOOHOO! DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS MAN?

And this might not have sunk in yet, but the tournament is OVER. It is the greatest feeling in the world when a tournament like this ends before you've gotten so sick of it you never want to turn on the television again.

The Other Final

2009-06-21T11:19:00.004+10:00

It just dawned on me that I hadn't said anything about the women's final to be held today which I actually hold a large interest in. New Zealand versus England, both great teams, very in-form and ready to KICK ASS.

Yes?

Yes, they are. So who are you going for? England have the services of the rather amazing Claire Taylor, and New Zealand are hopping around with Amy S. the cricketer. It's obvious who I'm going for because it would be criminal to ditch my own people. Or person. Anyway, the Kiwi thing also comes into effect so I am rendered incapable of supporting anyone but them, but all the best to England too because they're smashing.

And yes, I did just say 'smashing'.

Go the Kiwis, go the Poms also, and go WOMEN'S CRICKET. It's bloody brilliant to watch. Are you with me? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

Grinding men to a pulp.

Laughlin's Chicken Legs

2009-06-20T19:38:00.003+10:00

Well, I said I thought he had chicken legs and I had to do some searching to find out just why I thought so. I also promised Chris evidence. Turns out the reason I think Ben Laughlin has chicken legs is... because he does.

Behold the Chicklin Legs:

They're ridiculously scrawny, as is this post. But then again, ridiculousness is my specialty.

Spotto

2009-06-20T15:01:00.003+10:00

This photo was sort of reminiscent of this past Spotto so I had to put it up as the Australian counterpart to the Brits. Plus, it's another chance to show Ponting looking stupid.

Spotted: Will he catch it?

On the topic of Australians, something just came to mind. Has anyone else noticed that Ben Laughlin has chicken legs?

The Final

2009-06-20T11:10:00.004+10:00

It is so close I can practically tell which teams are going to be in it.

Oh wait, I actually can. Sorry, it's just the IPL hangover, it still hasn't gone away. A tournament in 16 days would be blasphemy to sponsors and the economic sensibilities of a man who cannot afford socks.

So, Pakistan vs. Sri Lanka. WHO WILL WIN? I don't mind either really, but I had made some half-baked comments that I'd be supporting Pakistan so why the hell not? But after the amazing performance the Lankans had against the Windies, wouldn't it also be some kind of injustice if they didn't walk away with the trophy?

Dilshan's 96 was mindblowing and I fell asleep sometme after Angelo Mathews' first over which was pretty fucking brilliant. Mind you, if I was capable of staying up longer I would have, but my body just gave way. Looks like not much went on after that in the way of a dramatic turnaround by the West Indies.

Tokenism, Hodge can do it

2009-06-19T20:48:00.005+10:00

Cricket Victoria and the Victorian Police hope a few generic shots of cricket will appeal to the protesting Indian student community and hopefully appease their demand for justice and protection.

Fucking hell.

Note the supposed magic formula:

Cricketer + Police Officer + Indian Representative (with credit to sponsor KFC in biggest font possible) + Random Alleyway = Bravo, Instant Success! No need to actually deal with the problem at hand.

There's a difference between using cricketing figures for assurance and as a sort of relevant intermediary in the right circumstances, but this is bizarre and sadly undermines the seriousness of the attacks actually taking place in Australia.

Unity is one thing, but this is utter rubbish.

The Stanford Redemption

2009-06-19T20:22:00.003+10:00

Morgan Freeman would not be proud of what I have just done. Which is why I will make this short and sharp and FAST because the material is hysterical.

Allen Stanford (or "Sir" Allen Stanford as you folks who respect him in the slightest like to say) has been arrested in the US after he surrendered, the silly bugger. All that fraud and he thought he'd get away. Apparently the surrender went down a little something like this:

He had surrendered "to some FBI agents who were hiding out in black SUVs outside the residence where he was staying in Virginia". He walked out and asked if they had a warrant. Stanford told the agents to arrest him if they had a warrant, but if they did not have a warrant, he would go back to Houston to turn himself in.

A Ponzi scheme? "Nah," he says. Then a few moments later, "Okay, yes, maybe."

Allen Stanford, you will live on in the hearts of the ridiculous. The cricketing world always loved your style. And I will refrain from making a Matt Prior-related joke here, really I will. Because I have remarkable self-restraint and I BET MATTY'S WIFE ISN'T ALL TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Okay. I couldn't stop myself, so sue me.

The stickiest wicket of all.

The Real Wizard

2009-06-19T20:16:00.006+10:00

Harry Potter is at the World T20 and not in the form of Daniel Vettori.

It is, of course, Daniel Radcliffe. Another Dan, another man. Or slightly post-pubescent boy.

Don't allow yourself to be tricked by his ways. The question is, is he really enjoying it? Or is his unfortunate facial structure preventing him from doing so?

This also gives England the handy excuse that the real reason they bowed out of the tournament was because an evil sorcerer had been magicking Stuart Broad's brain into mush and invading Colly's mind with unimaginative field placements.

South African Comedians

2009-06-19T18:26:00.001+10:00

How I wish I'd been there to see it. If only I'd had the chance, I would probably have laughed a whole lot more than I currently am now.

That doesn't mean Cricinfo hasn't saved me, because the age of the internet has made everything far more convenient and lovely for situations exactly like mine. It was this one match, thankfully I'll be watching the second semi and the finals, but damn this would have been one to watch.

Nevertheless, South Africa... gee, they're a bunch of funny fuckers. At the moment, they're conflicted. Should they put it down to choking or give all credit to Pakistan? They're really only one path, because Graeme Smith has already said "South Africa are not chokers" and will you look at that? They are. They're fucking chokers. A bunch of the most hilarious, stupidly, chokingly hysterical chokers. Try saying that real fast ten times. For the record, South Africa are going to give all credit to Pakistan. At least that way, they can pretend they're not chokers. Which they are.

I mean, what do I even say? Afridi is just fucking awesome, when he gets going. And all I have is figures to work on. For once, Albie wasn't the most expensive bowler on the side. I am pleased, he's making progress. Take that Mickey, you stupid piece of shit. Now who's the fucking allrounder? It's Albie. Even though he didn't do anything this match, HIS BOWLING WASN'T TERRIBLE. That's a relief.

On the subject of Afridi, he is made all the more awesome for blowing a kiss in Jacques' face. Goddamn, I would have killed to see that. Don't get ahead of yourself. I would have killed an AB, nobody else.

HA FUCKING HA in die AB's face. Out for 1, a useless dick, just the way I like it. Catching doesn't count either just because I say so. There is a photo of AB getting out. It is the best ever:

Any bowler who can make that happen is among the best in the world. And others may say that in a different way to me, in a "look at AB de Villiers, HE'S SO FUCKING HARD TO GET OUT" kind of way, but I say no. Getting die AB's wicket makes your moral compass automatically straighten towards north and no matter what you do, it will never swing south again.

What bowler wouldn't want that?

And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.

So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.

It's Afridi and he really likes it.

Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:

"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."

Boncam sends that last one in.

The post and preview

2009-06-18T16:03:00.002+10:00

Okay so I'm in a huge rush and I haven't had time to check anything so I'm just making this post because A POST IS A POST. And it has something to say, at least about the first semi which I might get the chance to watch if everything works out.

What do I say? Oh, right, South Africa vs. Pakistan. Obviously South Africa because they've now had a few days to prepare for this and despite their claims, they've really just been training 12 hours a day, not going to the movies.

You already know the drill about which player performs best and which performs the worst. Surprisingly, neither are from the Pakistani side. Do the math, kiddos. Or don't, I don't really care. Go Albie you fucking machine. Belt the shit out of that ball or I will pull off one of die AB's toenails.

I won't, I'm entirely opposed to torture. But that's something for you to think about.

I know I keep saying this, but TOMORROW I will be back in Sydney and therefore capable of actually posting properly. So bear with me here, I'm pretty exhausted, I've been on my feet flat out for a few days now and it's really fucking tiring. KRudd was looking awesome at the Press Gallery Ball last night. He's very smooth, that Kevin. I do quite like him, yes, as you no doubt know.

Albie Morkel is Noddy

2009-06-17T23:43:00.003+10:00

I mentioned it in another post that Albie looked a lot like Noddy in a particular photo. Well, just look at him, Boncam has gone ahead and MADE ALBIE INTO NODDY. It is shocking, I know. Your brain may implode at the injustice, but you must bear it because this is art we're talking about here. Real fucking art:

Does he not look like the freakiest overgrown child ever? Kind of like die AB in real life.

Another Mitchell Johnson Flashback

2009-06-17T23:16:00.003+10:00

I realise I didn't give you guys the last in the series, and you might be thinking, "well fuck, she's just posting a whole bunch of photos now, where is the substance?" but that will come another day. And if I were really posting a bunch of photos, there would be 3 spottos for today. That reminds me, if you see a Spotto and a good one at that, send it in. I like them. Since Yuvraj's manbags, the Spottos have been doing me some good. Although I do have a reserve of Spottos I've never gotten around to posting.

Alright then, here's the Mitch photo, guess the year:

He's all style.

One day I'll bring back those Michael Clarke questions. Just not now. Sorry, kids, it's how it goes.

Luke Wright the hobbit, ROFL the elf

2009-06-17T22:35:00.006+10:00

And ROFL is an elf. An evil elf, to be precise, as detailed in this previous post of mine.

Now you have the backstory, Boncam has been getting creative photoshopping his countryman into an elf costume, and turning Luke Wright into a hobbit. It is evil, not just because ROFL is really just evil, but also because Wright himself is around the 1.8m mark and therefore not a hobbit.

But Boncam persists, and even though he did a very South African thing of ignoring height, it is still a rather awesome result. If I hadn't told you, you would be none the wiser as to the cunning brain that went into this:

See what he did there.

And then there's ROFL, the evil elf I can't help but love in all his angry spinning glory and shut-eyed swinging at balls. Cricket balls, that is.

Nice elf.

By the way, this post in no way warrants a dozen Anonymous people commenting with a "do Graeme Smith up as a tranny" type comment. It's not on, friends. This is a post about Luke Wright and ROFL, not Graeme Smith.

I can't hear you

2009-06-17T17:48:00.002+10:00

I was going to post properly, but I'm afraid that's just not on today. Work, etc.

But for those of you who were unfortunate enough to see die AB receiving the MoM award in the India match, I have good news. It didn't actually happen. It was all a FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

I'm telling the truth because someone has to. And I'd never lie to you about something regarding die AB, would I? No, I didn't think so. There was a big mix-up, they actually meant A[l]B[ie] is the man of the match. Pretty good stuff for 8 runs and a shit over in the bowling, but I think we can safely say he deserved it more than anyone else did.

And New Zealand, oh New Zealand. You should have lost that one, but I didn't want you to. I really didn't.

Australia are pretending the tournament didn't happen and they're just focusing on the Ashes.

Apologies for the short post, but I am on twitter for exactly this reason. I'm not dead, just terribly busy and believe me, I'd prefer that I weren't but such is life. As it turns out, I offer amazing insights on twitter that NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER KNOW. Yes. Really.

England losing and other interesting stuff

2009-06-16T17:20:00.005+10:00

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

The reveal of Graeme Smith

2009-06-15T17:21:00.001+10:00

This is almost funny. As I said earlier, the RealGraemeSmith account on twitter has been suspended, and we were all pretty much over it.

But now there's a FakeGraemeSmith and they are intent on telling everyone the true identity of RealGraemeSmith. Oh no! Guess what? It's me.

Like you didn't already know. So how about I make it official? I wrote RealGraemeSmith's twitter page. RealGraemeSmith was really me. Many of you already knew, but apparently it's scandalous or something.

It isn't.

Now go about your business again and don't forget to take Albie to lunch.

You have to take Albie to lunch

2009-06-15T14:49:00.003+10:00

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

Kyle Coetzer is a bloody genius

2009-06-15T11:26:00.002+10:00

Via The Corridor, finally the footage of that excellent catch by Kyle Coetzer is available. Best catch ever, or at least in this tournament. The only thing that could have made it better is if it was die AB's wicket, and it wasn't but oh well:

The Scots are clever freaks. I like them.

Chucky

2009-06-14T23:46:00.004+10:00

I'm not talking about Doug Bollinger here, but apparently someone over at Page 2 on Cricinfo thinks AB de Villiers would make a good Chucky.

First of all, what? Second of all, I don't exactly agree but the description is funny as hell:

AB de Villiers may not have the crazy eyes of the doll (part of a series called Good Guys) from Child's Play, but any casting director worth his salt can see how well the South African batsman with the choirboy looks would make a bone-chilling slasher by night, to go with his batsman-slaughterer persona by day. In the twilight hours, de Villiers changes his cricket whites for bloody overalls and pulls out a knife concealed in his bat handle, before going on a killing spree, targeting music critics who've been less than kind to his singing career. Yeah, AB, show them who you (really) are.

There is absolutely nothing better than taking the piss out of die AB's song.

Still, I can think of a dozen better cricketers to be perfect players by day and serial killers at night. The one that springs to mind first is Sybrand Engelbrecht. In fact, I do believe I had detailed this secret part of his life in a previous post of mine. The Ghost of the Knight, that's what he is.

The rest of the article gets a lot wrong, but points for trying. Any valiant movie watcher who combines that knowledge with cricket could come up with a better list. Yes, valiant.

The Rise and Fall of Graeme Smith

2009-06-14T16:21:00.003+10:00

He had a tough run those few months he was on Twitter. Yes, the RealGraemeSmith is gone, his account having been suspended for what I can only assume is complete and utter awesomeness.

It just so happens that with the fall of Graeme Smith, Amy S. is now going Twitter on you. The timing of this is completely coincidental and you shouldn't read into it too much, unless of course you want to.

Will you look at that? It's the blog on twitter. For everyone who kept asking when I would do it. Maybe this way you'll know I'm still alive even if I don't post so often. Maybe.

The Perks of Being a Commentator

2009-06-14T15:34:00.002+10:00

Anyone who knows what the title of this post is a reference to gets brownie points for being awesome.

I have often noticed that commentators, in all their retired glory, don't seem to find the actual commenting on cricket aspect of their job all that appealing, but rather, they prefer the more creative part. It lets them experiment, go wild, get their brains churning, etc.

I am, of course, referring to the nondescript commentary they provide on what is going on in the brains of the cricketers. You'd think half these men gave up their dream of being script writers from the marvellous and extensive thoughts they invent for the players. Thankfully, having retired from the game and secured a commentary position with a top notch broadcaster, they're free to pursue their long lost dreams in which they provide the voices for the puppets on the field.

In fact, they practically shit themselves when the captain walks up to his bowler and has a nice long chat with him. "Brilliant!" the commentators exclaim. "What might they be saying? Ah, I know..." At which point he proceeds to describe in painfully boring detail what the on-field conversation is. Sometimes they come up with thoughts/dialogue for the players that are outlandishly far-fetched, turning a slightly grim expression into an "OH NOEZ!!!!1!!! WE R FCUKED!!!" But it's all part of the job, really. Having unnecessarily translated a facial expression or conversation for audiences around the world, the men at the helm smile to themselves contently. The world is a better place with everyone knowing just what you think is going on in Chris Gayle's head.

Sometimes, I listen to their imaginings of conversations and I think, if they're going to offer something up, why not make it wonderfully interesting? Why not tell listeners that the reason Vettori is looking so unhappy out there is because he's cheating on his wife with Baz? If I were offered the opportunity to deliver such truths to listeners, I wouldn't stop at anything. I would exercise creative license to turn a word of congratulations between players on opposing teams into reason for calling them out on match-fixing or batting for the wrong side, and literally this time.

Unfortunately, all we have is a bunch of smug old men inventing a completely unfunny line of dialogue for Sehwag and then chuckling at their own cleverness. The power of commentating, if it rested in other hands, could be put to better use.

New Zealand

2009-06-14T03:49:00.002+10:00

New Zealand.

They just gave Umar Gul the first five-for in T20 international history. So, like, ever.

They are also intent on losing this match. What the fuck.

This is extremely embarrassing, and I'm not even a Kiwi.

The best search ever

2009-06-14T03:44:00.004+10:00

Glad to see there's someone in the world who doesn't like die AB. The following search ended up here:

fucking ab de villiers

And I believe it is said in a vehement, anger-filled way. A "fucking AB de Villiers keeps being an overtly humble prick" kind of way. Not a "I'd like to know how best to go about fucking AB de Villiers way".

At the same time, I have terrible searches leading to my blog. Take, for example:

jacques kallis muscular

Oh yeah. Take care not to vomit. That reminds me, there's a question I've been pondering for a while. Is there anyone in this world who actually likes Jacques Kallis, and if so, why the fuck do they?

South Africa set a record

2009-06-14T02:51:00.004+10:00

Most consecutive T20 International wins ever. But wait, was anyone actually surprised they won against the West Indies? On rolls the South African juggernaut as they flatten teams on their way to the finals.

Despite Chris Gayle's valiant attempts to distract them with some ultra-cool sunnies, the saffas did not budge. They've had good practice at this, especially after Stuart Broad's attempts to deliberately distract the South African batsmen. Also because once their eyes lock onto the missile, also known as the ball, they do not take their eyes off it, not even to look at Broad's delicate hands.

You know what's creepy? As I check Cricinfo for Kallis' bowling figures because they're pretty fucking funny, I see they have also spoken of the "South African juggernaut rolling on. I don't write for them, just in case you were wondering. My singular brain is on par with their collective brains, however. Jacques' figures are 2-0-23-0 by the way. Hahahaha, that's far too good. Fingers crossed he'll stop playing T20s.

I won't mention Albie's figures because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. You want fairness? Go somewhere else. He was brilliant, just brilliant. A wicket on a no ball which is better than no wicket at all, and a small error involving a wide which ended up costing 5 runs. BRILLIANT.

Wayne Parnell had to do even more this match to finally get the MoM award. 4/13 is the result of his mastering the art of bowling yorkers and actually bowling at the stumps. With all the creative shit bowlers are trying to come up with, it seems everyone forgot that simply bowling at the stumps and waiting for a wicket is remarkably successful.

Lendl Simmons is the only batsman on the West Indies side who should be walking away from this match with a smile on his face, although he might not be smiling because they still lost despite his 77. Seriously, the things some people have to put up with...

And now I come to Albie. You were waiting for it all along, I know. That 10 off 8, especially after the perfect opportunity presented itself when die AB got ahead of himself and got out on 17. After being promoted up the order to actually come in before the 16th over. That was amazing, that last bit. Everything was set in place for Albie to kill someone, preferably with his bat. He didn't, but the very clever Jerome Taylor was behind it. The smart bastard bowled a few bouncers and then nailed Albie with a great yorker. Even Albie appreciated that one. Super Shades Gayle had instructed Taylor to go about targeting Albie with bouncers and this is CLEARLY him going after the most dangerous batsman on the side. I mean, obviously. For this reason, Albie's dismissal was alright. He felt the respect as he walked off that field.

I think Nasser Hussain wants to marry die AB, just like every other commentator out there.

And in the current match, New Zealand are killing me. Dan the Man is playing but... they're killing me. They really are.

What I am going to do today

2009-06-13T17:54:00.003+10:00

Today I am going to set aside a good five minutes to laugh at India.

I will then laugh at Dhoni for an extra special reserved period of time.

Then I will bake a cake, for reasons to be explained later in this post.

Next, I will watch Jacques Kallis get out for a duck, followed by another duck from die AB.

After this, I will watch Albie Morkel hit the ball out of the fucking park and pillage the same Windies that beat the '07 champions.

As I am doing this, I will cry tears of joy and blow out the candles on the cake, all 28 of them. I will say "ya did well, kid" to the television as Albie goes on to make a half century.

Then I will watch New Zealand destroy Pakistan.

All in a day's work.

Phil's Baggy Green Fetish

2009-06-12T23:13:00.004+10:00

Before I allow myself to collapse in a heap of exhaustion, I simply must share this rather creepy interview with little Phil Hughes which sees his eyes zoning out for a moment as he describes in excruciating detail the ritual of sniffing his baggy green that he regularly performs.

It's kind of freaky, like something a sex-obsessed teenage boy would do, only replacing the baggy green with something far different. In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Phil lets his alter ego poke through:

"I keep it locked away in a pouch in the top left-hand corner of my wardrobe. Every day I make sure it's there. I'll have a peek. It might be in the morning, at night, or even if I'm having a coffee, I'll walk upstairs and look at it. I'll smell it sometimes. It smells like alcohol because of the couple of wins we had in the first Tests in South Africa."

The mental image of Phil furtively sniffing his cap is not one I'd like to keep. If this is what he does to his baggy green, what would he do if he ever got his hands on the Ashes urn alone in a room? Actually, don't even think about that. You might say he's just enthusiastic about living the Aussie dream, but the great Australian dream is to own a house with a decent-sized backyard and I don't see anyone else humping the playset in the backyard. When you start sniffing things, I think it's safe to say you're going a little overboard. Or when you publicly admit to sniffing something.

So while Phillip guards his baggy green under lock and key, occasionally springing surprise checks on it to make sure it hasn't escaped his clutches, I can't help but wonder whether there have been similarly enthusiastic cricketers in past years.

He wants to touch it all over.

The thing about Shane Watson

2009-06-12T17:29:00.006+10:00

Okay, I might as well get this out of the way. I've refrained from doing so previously because it's weird in a very strange way but now I really just have to say it. The thing about Shane Watson is that I cannot dislike him and there is a very specific reason for that.

It is because of this photo:

You might think that's well and fine, and that there's nothing particularly special about the photo, that in fact he looks a little retarded, but you see that expression? I know a three year old who makes the exact same expression. And I like the kid.

So you see, therein lies the predicament I am in. After making the initial association with a tiny little midget belonging to a friend of mine, I am doomed to forever make that association with Shane Watson. And while he most certainly does not look the way he does in the photo, I can't help it, I immediately think of cute kids. And that makes it all the more difficult to dislike Shane.

In that way, while he may not be my favourite cricketer, I will be unable to dislike him either. It is the way of the world, I have no hand in it. And that is the end of this explanation. So for future reference, just keep this in mind. I am rendered incapable of disliking the man and it will show.

Albie gobbles up KP

2009-06-12T17:06:00.002+10:00

Gobble gobble. You'd think the same too if you saw the following:

He was just really happy is all. That's how 28 year olds look when they're happy, like the innocent bliss you feel when you don't know that later in the day you won't get a chance to bat because a fat fucker hogs the limelight. That same man then goes on to be MoM when clearly it should have been Albie getting it, JUST BECAUSE.

If I had to nominate the best South African bowler in the England match, it would be tough. Because there was no clear winner, they were all great. Oh fuck it, one of them was clearly the best.

Have a guess. Go on, guess.

If you thought Wayne Parnell, get the fuck off this blog.

I'm talking about the REAL star whose efforts went unnoticed, even though he bloody well bowled the best he ever has in his life. Yes, it was Albie Morkel the 28 year old. He went for no runs at all in his spell, his extremely long, hard fought spell. The one over spell which took concentration far beyond that which any other all-rounder in the world possesses. It wasn't just a maiden, it was a wicket maiden, as Albie ran down the pitch and gobbled up KP with his large mouth.

I'm sure if Albie had bowled more overs, he would have repeated exactly the same thing. That would silence all his critics.

England were... well, they were England. I'm sorry for them, I really am.

How I stalk my pubs halfway across the world

2009-06-12T16:53:00.003+10:00

Catching up on more emails now. Phew.

There's a little something that I do that is unique to me, and it revolves around a rather strange fetish of mine, being to map the locations of every single pub in England on a giant world map stuck to my bedroom wall. I've got all the relevant pins in Cornwall, which is why it's such a travesty that I do not have any pubs located in London stuck there. It always disturbs me to know that.

That was before I discovered the Snaptu fancyapint app, and by extension, the Snaptu Cricinfo app. How it changed my pub-stalking life. Simon sends in the words that may have changed my life forever:

Chris Gayle - there's a cricket ball in my pint! - an anonymous report from the Dog House pub at Kennington Cross near the site of our disgrace (it exists by the way).

As I sat dismally in the Vauxhall End Stand at the Oval today reviewing the match scorecard and cricinfo’s commentary of the last over on my mobile phone I thought sod it - I'm out of here, find me a decent pub.

Luckily I use Snaptu's cricinfo app on my phone and guess what, it has the fancyapint? London pub guide on it too, so before long I was swallowing hard. It also has Twitter, so I was also swallowing hard as I read the banter coming in when I looked at the #WT20 tweets flooding the network!

Ah, here comes Ricky… his round I believe!

Apart from the fact it was useful for completing my pub world map, it's Cricinfo and it's on my mobile and I damn well like it. You might like it too.

But best of all, it's free. You'll go smiling to your grave.

Spotto

2009-06-12T16:48:00.002+10:00

I'd almost forgotten about my email, but after a long time, I checked it and lo and behold, Q had sent in a rather funny Spotto involving Shahid Afridi and Umar Gul. It's the Pakistani enthusiasm they radiate that really gets you.

Spotted: A cosy feat of athleticism and strength.

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

2009-06-11T16:57:00.004+10:00

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

Spotto

2009-06-11T16:12:00.000+10:00

Just very quickly, and I know this is not soccer, but damn, would you expect them to win anything except the encouragement award for freaks?

Spotted: Misfits FC

A John Davison Story

2009-06-10T22:34:00.004+10:00

I just got back from an interesting dinner in which I learnt something new about John Davison. And although I just called it an interesting dinner, it was actually shit boring because I was seated at the same table as a bunch of dickheads, all with highly inflated egos which can only come from a lifetime of boarding at a prestigious school and possibly being molested by priests because that is the way with these boys' schools, isn't it? Knox Grammar, I'm looking at you. Or was that teachers?

Innocent young boy prepares to morph into Mary Poppins.

Anyway, so while the 20-somethings discussed European politics, being highly trained in the art of being fuckwits, I found myself involved in a conversation with a woman next to me. And at a table nearby, there seemed to be a sporting discussion going on which, amongst other things, involved cricket. So blah blah, one thing led to another, and the woman ended up telling me a story of how a bloke named John Davison, who she now believes is a relatively famous cricketer of some sort, had once asked her out when she was in high school. Yes, indeed. It's that John Davison. I would like to say that she said yes, but in fact she didn't. As she told me, she was sort of different to the pack and in order to maintain her integrity (or something along those lines) she turned him down.

Why, you ask? Good question. Because he went to an "asshole-infested, sickeningly self-obsessed private school". Of course, she didn't say exactly that. I'm paraphrasing very loosely. But basically, he went to one of those schools, and as I look it up now, I see it is Saint Ignatius' College. The woman in question went to a different school, quite obviously, and she never did know whether this John guy wasn't half as bad as the other bastards that went to the school, but she said no anyway.

Apparently John Davison had a thing for redheads.

One of those posts

2009-06-10T18:11:00.002+10:00

In which I deliver news of some kind. This time it's not entirely positive, I'm afraid. In fact, it's rather disappointing for me to have to say this, but say it I must. It seems I might not be able to carry on continuing this blog for much longer, or with the detail of past. The new job is, well, to put it simply, exhausting. Exhausting beyond belief, and a real life commitment that eats away at your time demanding the dedication that my previously flexible job did not. And it's to be expected, of course. Working for the people that run your country is always going to be a soul buster, and perhaps even a dream job.

Which is why I find myself in a dilemma and at a crossroads, because while I may normally have been able to do my job, run my life and also blog, now it's a little more difficult to continue blogging. I do think I would be able to perhaps blog once a day in a post which encompasses just about everything I'm thinking or what I'd usually say, but would it even be worth it? I'm putting that question out to anyone who cares enough to answer it.

So that is the news, and this is the post. Good day to all you folks out there who read this blog. Or goodnight. Either works.

Also, a quick look at the blogroll tells me that apparently it's Albie's birthday today. Poor guy, he's already 28 and he's only played in one Test. You're not getting any younger, Albie. And why on earth did he fail to capitalise largely on die AB's loss in the match against New Zealand? Damn you to hell, die AB, cursing Albie's chances all the time. I know it was him because who else would wish Albie ill?

England's women fare well

2009-06-09T21:52:00.003+10:00

Amidst all this talk of Australia's pathetic performances and the chance that two minnows may make it into the Super Eights stage, there is the point to note that there is an English side that stands a chance of winning this tournament, and it's their women's side.

The boys could learn a lot from their women who cleaned up the Kiwis in a practice match. Knowing the men's team, a warm-up against New Zealand would have met exactly the opposite result. I do believe Amy S. the cricketer played for New Zealand. Nice. I don't know why, but I inevitably end up supporting New Zealand in cricket matches. It just happens, I have no control over it. Maybe I do like the poor fellows across the sea.

In tonight's matches (or today's, depending on where you are) it's South Africa against NZ, and the Netherlands against Pakistan. Bit of a no-brainer, seeing as I've just said the thing about my inability to go against New Zealand. The Kiwis over SA, and the Dutchmen over Pakistan. The first of these because I couldn't stand die AB doing his usual shit again, and then overdoing the humility afterwards. Also because I need Dan the Man to play today and unleash the power of his spectacles on die AB. I'm all in favour of Albie topscoring for the saffas, though. Really, it's the only outcome I'm in favour of.

As for the Netherlands over Pakistan, imagine the Super Eights being comprised of A QUARTER minnows and three quarters usual teams. That's almost unheard of. Also because their uniform is orange and no other country would have the balls to do that. I mean, look at them. So many variations of green and blue it's not funny. That's why the orange trumps all, even if they only chose it because all the other colours were taken.

I'm trying to imagine just how stupid Ricky Ponting feels, but I cannot seem to accurately imagine the magnitude of it.

How I laughed

2009-06-09T18:02:00.002+10:00

A distinct lack of postage today. Apologies for that, I had a long day in the office. Thankfully, tonight I head back to Sydney, escaping the bitter cold of Canberra for another few weeks. How I despise Winter.

There is one significant thing I'm going to mention, and that is Australia's exit from the World Twenty20. If that isn't the most hilarious thing to happen all tournament (perhaps even slighty funnier than England's loss to the Netherlands) I don't know what is. For all the time they spent not caring about Twenty20, Australia now look like a bunch of idiots. The equivalent of a team like Scotland.

To think that Australia are ranked number 1 in another form of the game.

And another thing. In the closing moments of the match, as Sri Lanka hit the winning runs, I could have sworn Ricky Ponting almost laughed. I would too if I were the captain of a shithouse team. Ajantha Mendis didn't even have to do all too much to make the Australians bow down to him.

Ireland are also in the Super Eights. This tournament is possibly the strangest thing to occur since glow-in-the-dark rabbits.

Ireland beating Bangladesh?

2009-06-08T23:19:00.006+10:00

Come on, make it happen. Ireland's bowlers sure as fuck seem determined to do so.

70/5 and more than halfway through the match. Not a bad score if Bangladesh accelerate in the last 7 overs like a better team would, but you know... it's Bangladesh.

I can't say much though, because they've beaten bigger fish before.

The Blackcaps aren't as crazy as this

2009-06-08T19:35:00.001+10:00

Or are they?

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-08T18:57:00.004+10:00

Yesterday's question attracted a lot of responses, including Stani starting his own competition within my competition. Yes, I saw that.

Anyway, as I said in the post, anyone can win. So everyone won. I know, I'm a cheat. Can't help it.

Today's QotD is one about numbers and figures:

Who was captaining the side against which Michael Clarke took 5 or more wickets in a single match? Also state the ground at which this occurred.

There you go, a nice statistical one to please experts of that sort. Ryan Campbell knows the answer to this one.

The Secret to Stuart Broad's Success

2009-06-08T18:28:00.003+10:00

Any teams stupid enough to fear the might of his bowling will be thrilled to discover just what caused Broady to play so well all of a sudden against Pakistan.

I invite you to take a moment to guess.

Appropriate responses would include a tough work-out session in the nets, bowling at a brick wall non-stop for 7 hours a day since the loss to the Netherlands, a stern talking to by coach or by the captain.

Slightly less appropriate but still effective responses include being offered a pay rise in return for doing well in this match, daddy organising a visit from a few escorts (oh yes, escorts, they're top class these Broad boys), having his head bashed in by a rampant Andre Nel working for the ECB, or even having people finally accept that yes, Broady is a man. Just look at those manly golden locks.

Alright, you done? Good, because you should be. Because the secret to Stuart Broad's success is... Maccas. No, that is not some sort of dig at a night out with Andrew McDonald, I'm talking real food here. Says Colly when asked about Stuart's turnaround:

"I just took him for a burger."

Yes, he took him for a burger. Doesn't take much to please the young Broad, does it? If you doubt my claims he is a 9 year old, I hope this proves you wrong.

Ten bucks says it was a Happy Meal.

Vettori Blues

2009-06-08T16:06:00.002+10:00

There's concern as to whether Dan Vettori will be fit in time for the match against South Africa tomorrow. He missed the Scotland one and New Zealand pulled through, but they're going to need him for this upcoming match if they stand any chance of going further.

Why oh why did he have to fall on his shoulder during practice? That just creates a whole lot of drama I don't like at all.

The thing is, New Zealand need Dan fit by Tuesday. And so do I. Because I just really need him to take die AB's wicket.

Flashback: Mitchell Johnson

2009-06-08T16:02:00.005+10:00

Seeing as asking you guys to guess his age was not the brightest idea I've ever come up with, here's another funny photo of Mitch from his teen years, only this time I'll be supplying the date.

This is Mitch when he was named Sportsman of the Year at Pimlico State High School in 1998. Oh yeah:

Hahahahahahahaha. Dear me, isn't that a sight to see? He must be so glad he grew out of that look.

How KP saved England

2009-06-08T15:29:00.005+10:00

Boy, they sure were glad to have him back. Well, him and Dimi and Graeme Swann. But KP's 58 off 38 balls gave them a shitload of confidence, and Adil Rashid coming on later also did a good job of containing runs.

Funnily enough, Stuart Broad didn't have all that bad of a match. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he had a good one. 3 wickets, lowest economy rate of England's bowlers, this:

I think he's pretty pleased with himself.

England are through to the Super Eights based on their NRR. The breathe a collective sigh of relief because they were so damn close to not making it that this escape from embarrassment will be more than well received. It was really a matter of one match that would have decided their fate. Nice compact format, this World T20.

There's a pretty funny photo of KP's dismissal:

Good one, Ajmal.

Die AB

2009-06-08T14:51:00.006+10:00

I have no idea what you're talking about. The title of this post is merely written in Afrikaans. It translates to "The AB" as you are no doubt aware.

Why on earth would I want AB de Villiers to actually die? Is it the unbeaten 79 off 35 balls? The 75 not out off 35 balls? The 6 sixes? 5 fours? No, really, tell me exactly what it is that would make me WANT AB DE VILLIERS TO DIE.

Jesus. That's exactly the response he wanted to get out of me.

Don't mind me. I just haven't slept for 48 hours. I'm sure that's the only reason I'm feeling so STRANGE right now. Or wait, could it be AB downplaying the massive score of 211 his team posted? Could it?

In any tournament every team wants to develop the big ‘M’ – momentum – as soon as possible, and that’s exactly what we took from our opening match against Scotland at the Oval this afternoon.

The big 'M', huh? What's that, die AB? Are you English now? Fuck.

We respected the opposition, but managed to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately earned a comfortable win.

YES, SO MUCH RESPECT THAT 75 WAS. SO VERY MUCH RESPECT. I'm so pleased you "managed" to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately ensured a "comfortable" win. I wasn't quite sure you'd "manage" there. And gee, it was a tough one, wasn't it? That "comfortable" win didn't come by easily.

There were some nerves around the squad in the morning, but Graeme Smith and
Jacques Kallis established a fantastic platform at the top of our innings and the rest of us were able to take advantage and ensure we posted a decent score of 211.

DIE AB, DIE AB, DO YOU CALL 211 SIMPLY A "DECENT" SCORE? It's South Africa's largest T20 score to date. What a "decent" score.

I was pleased with my knock, and once again enjoyed batting at the Oval – it’s a great deck and an excellent outfield.

Yes, I do believe the outfield was instrumental in you scoring your very many sixes. The ball just RACED over the outfield, it practically flew. The fielders could do nothing about it. Well done, groundsmen. Well done on creating an outfield perfect for sixes.

So it was a pretty decent afternoon all around.

I HAVE NO WORDS.

I cannot even begin to explain why he irks me so. You might take the above comments to be gracious and respectful towards the opposition who SA absolutely smashed, but I know for certain that any other player on the team (except Jacques Kallis) would have put it in such a way which didn't downplay their own efforts to the extent that Scotland is practically ridiculed. It's all AB. Die AB, that AB, he's such a great sportsman.

Okay, it may be the lack of sleep making me this frantic. But damn, die AB pisses me off so fucking much I do not have words to explain it.

In the same match, Albie shared a sizeable partnership with die AB and ended up getting 24 from 14 balls, including two sixes. He was then caught by the best Scottish player on the side that day Kyle Coetzer, who also smashed Albie for two sixes and thus made him the most expensive South African bowler. Lucky he took two wickets.

Look, someone who doesn't piss me off. Hurrah.

Jacques Kallis made 48... from 41 balls. I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen.

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-07T11:47:00.003+10:00

Yesterday's question was taken out by both Q and Esra, with Q starting to creep up behind Esra in the rankings. Not that there are any. I'd also like to remind him it is not appropriate to slit Esra's throat in order to claim the prize of unimaginable glory and expertise.

...Just in case you were thinking of doing that, Q.

If you are not Q or Esra and you know the answer to the question, feel free to snatch the prize winnings off them. Today's question is specifically designed to test your knowledge of Michael Clarke in a way which does not require a knowledge of test figures or whatnot, but rather, you will be asked to provide your sound judgement on a photo of the man.

In other words, this is a dud question and everyone can win. The QotD:

Just how pathetic does Michael Clarke look in the following photo?

I hate to even look at it.

Obviously, if you answer "not very pathetic at all, but rather, a dashing fellow" you're not going to win. I am the judge after all. The best answer wins this one.

West Indies win

2009-06-07T02:25:00.003+10:00

Good stuff.

Not much to say except after the innings Gayle and Fletcher had, everyone wanted the Windies to win this match.

But I do believe there should be more cricketers named Xavier. "X Marshall" is the best name on the scorecards from both of these teams. Maybe you could even change your last name to "Treem" or something. I don't know, just saying. The possibilities are endless. Isn't there a BMX rider who legally changed his name to Kamikaze? It's be just like that, only CRICKET.

I think I need some sleep. Well done to the West Indies. They beat the Aussies with 4 whole overs (and one ball) to spare. That's massive. They didn't play close to a quarter of the time the Australians did.

The crowd certainly thinks the Australian loss is very appropriate. Never have there been so many West Indian supporters in the same place, more than half not even having geographical ties to the Windies.

Australia are going to lose

2009-06-07T01:55:00.005+10:00

To the West Indies. You would think there's something wrong in that statement, and under normal circumstances there damn well should be.

But fuck, the West Indies are batting awesomely. Those first 5 or 6 overs were like a goldmine, and the best kind too. A boundary was practically expected off each ball. Not to mention Chris Gayle's absolutely massive six.

A fever pitch crowd baying for Australian blood. Looks like that wish will come true if the Windies don't magically fuck everything up, which is looking pretty unlikely and besides, choking is what South Africans do best, not the West Indies. A win for them will also happen a lot sooner if Australia continue to bowl the same excruciatingly high number of wides and no balls.

Brett Lee goes into the record books for that over from hell, I believe. 27 runs off it, the 4th highest in T20 International history. He's also lost a bit of the ol' pace it seems. Mitchell Johnson fared no better and was brutally savaged by Gayle and Fletcher. Australia gave it all away in those first few overs.

Will Gayle get one of the fastest centuries ever?

A really shit pun

2009-06-06T20:42:00.002+10:00

How do I even begin to explain just how bad this pun is? Found in a headline:

Peter Siddle can't wait to axe the part

It is, of course, referring to his background in woodchopping.

I know.

How old is Mitchell Johnson in this photo?

2009-06-06T20:14:00.003+10:00

Can you guess it?

Ah, the look of youth and awkward gangly body parts which don't seem to fit together. And of fangs which will soon grow even bigger. Of looking like the check out kid at the local supermarket.

Just how old is Mitchell Johnson in this photo? I do know the answer, but I also thought I'd share the amusing photo.

Netherlands think they played "okay"

2009-06-06T19:55:00.002+10:00

I'll bet even Collingwood gave them higher praise than that.

Determined not to rub the victory into England's faces, Netherlands captain Jeroen Smits tells reporters:

"We played okay. Batting wise we played up to our capabilities but fielding wise and bowling wise there is still room for improvement."

If I were captain of the Dutch side at the moment, I would just... you have no idea what I would be saying. England would be cringing more than ever. But Smits refrains. Go the Netherlands.

Now they're looking at qualifying for the Super Eights, and if possible, the semifinals. Awesome, you say? It is indeed.

Pakistan are going to be facing two teams determined not to lose to them. England, because if they were out of the tournament within 3 days it would be the greatest embarrassment ever suffered since the Stanford debacle, and the Netherlands, because they've taken time off work without pay, beaten the hosts, and now they bloody well want to get as far as possible in this tournament.

The Face Of A Very Competent Captain

2009-06-06T13:57:00.005+10:00

"Hmmm," says Ricky as his team prepares for training. "Lovely day to play cricket, is it. Nestled safely on my head as always, my VB cap is. Going to win this tournament, we are. Yes, hmmm."

"Yoda, I am."

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-06T13:41:00.004+10:00

I didn't ask one yesterday, I know. Sorry about that, I just didn't have the time.

To make up for it, today's question comes in two parts. And the first person to get either question wins, so there might end up being 2 winners. And if you get them both right first up, well, there's only one winner.

Today's QotD goes back a while, but I'm sure you will know what it is. That's why the questions will be a little specific. Just before I begin, let it be known Ryan Campbell has absolutely no idea what the answer to this one is.

In the following photo, what is:

a) the name of the owner of the car, and;

b) the road and/or suburb in which it is taking place (either will do)

I'm hoping you know that's Pup in the pic.

Dhoni denies rift rumours, entire team in tow

2009-06-06T13:29:00.003+10:00

On Friday, the entire Indian World T20 team turned up to a news conference and squash themselves onto the podium in order to deliver a one minute statement regarding the "unity" of the team.

The video is here. It is highly amusing. You can't help but feel that even the team members know just how ridiculous they look standing up there. Dhoni appears to be trying not to laugh before he begins a short statement denying rumours of a rift between him and Sehwag.

I wonder just how much attention this supposed rift has been receiving in India for the team to actually come out and deny it. And for management to cart everyone into a news conference specifically for this purpose.

Of utes and being sent home in disgrace

2009-06-06T12:22:00.007+10:00

Bloody utes, they keep popping up everywhere. The new job's turning out to be a bit of a shocker, so apologies for the lack of posts. Just when I thought I'd dusted my hands of dealing with the aftermath of a particular issue, being a free ute that's causing the most controversy utes have been able to in the history of their existence, in comes the news that Andrew Symonds has returned to Brisbane today and left the airport... in a ute.

I can appreciate the irony.

Roy returned to Brisbane early this morning and was met by a host of reporters, all keen to ask him some questions about his fall from grace. He didn't answer any, but he did give a statement:

"I've got a fair bit to consider I suppose and I appreciate you all coming out here this morning and I will come out and make a proper full statement when I've gathered my thoughts and sat down with family and friends."

Queensland Cricket still want him to play for the Bulls. That's possibly the only positive in this situation.

This time Roy didn't complain about the lack of a car to pick him up from the airport as he did after returning from the IPL. He'd called ahead and gotten Joe Dawes to pick him up in his ute. Ah, the ute. The godforsaken ute I've had a tough time with. Cause for much worry and working into the night fielding calls left, right and centre. So this is how people deal with Canberra's lack of nightlife. They end up working through it.

In the meantime, we've learnt the violation of Symonds' contract was in regard to drinking in public and not informing team members or management where he was going before he headed out to watch the game. Over at The Times, David Fulton, former Kent captain, is lamenting the loss of Andrew Symonds. But then he describes him as Mick Dundee. Just as I thought Australia was beginning to brush off that image.

"We were only joking"

2009-06-06T10:25:00.004+10:00

"Can't you take a bit of a joke, everyone?" asks Collingwood at the press conference after the shock loss to the Netherlands.

"We were just having a laugh," Broad tells reporters. "Jimmy thought it'd be funny to give the Dutch fellows a win and take it from there."

"Graeme and Kevin were at home blowing up party balloons to celebrate the planned loss to the Netherlands," Colly continues. "Straussy was over too. They were watching the match on telly and having a bit of a laugh."

"That expression on my face?" Stuart is surprised. "Oh, at the end? Which one was it again?" The reporters oblige him.

"Oh, that," Broad says as he views the photograph. "Completely planned."

Beside him, Collingwood nods. "Completely planned. Bring on the Pakistani boys, I say."

Stuart Broad tells the best joke ever heard to mankind

2009-06-05T19:12:00.005+10:00

It's true, he does. In an interview with the Guardian, Stuart Broad gets his funny on. Take this hilarious joke for instance:

What's the name of the fastest cake?
Too late, it's scone.

Did you laugh? I did. I spent a good ten minutes laughing at the one. Good one, Broady! He's a riot, that boy.

He also likes bananas and has a rather creepy banana fetish, the details of which I won't go into. It is too disturbing.

Broad still has some genius left in him. He tries claiming he has hit puberty, but nobody believes him of course. Then comes the biggest shock. Not only is he physically doomed to be trapped in the body of a 9 year old, but he is also on a similar mental platform as a 9 year old:

What is the best sledge ever aimed at you?
I can never really explain what is going on when I'm getting sledged. So, I end up just nodding and smiling, which seems to annoy them more.

Jesus, no use trying to sledge the boy, it'll just go completely over the top of his head. To be honest, sometimes you can sympathise with him. Dale Steyn, who is not very well known for his sledging abilities, has had a crack at sending some comments down Broad's way. Here is the result, as dictated by Stuart:

Do you play dumb or does it come naturally? I think.... I mean, Dale Steyn just called me Baywatch for the whole series when we played against them [South Africa]. I didn't really know what he meant, it certainly wasn't for my strapping figure.

Hahahahaha, and with that, my friends, I leave you, although not to do anything particularly interesting. Canberra is a pretty boring place at night, I'm afraid. I know the locals like its... smallness, but damn, I wouldn't want to live here my whole life. It's good for occasional visits. Fingers crossed I don't have to start living here.

Now go watch some cricket.

Why Ravi Wants To Kill KP

2009-06-05T18:59:00.001+10:00

You would too, if you were him.

I wonder if every time KP does that he realises just how much the other person wants to bash his head in.

In the words of England's best Queen, we are not amused. Or at least, Ravi Bopara isn't.

What are they feeding the South African boys?

2009-06-05T18:40:00.008+10:00

Clearly, someone has laced their food with oestrogen hormones.

I ask you, what the fuck?

Now I don't usually like to point out things like this because it's a load of crap, but it's so bloody obvious here that it's impossible not to mention it.

And it's not just some strange error in lighting because, look, JP's free from the curse:

In the same series of shots, Albie's looking like Noddy, and AB's head is proportionately huge compared to the rest of his body.

It's almost sickening to watch.

Sutherland at the press conference

2009-06-04T23:22:00.003+10:00

You can listen to the audio of the press conference in which James Sutherland delivers the news about Andrew Symonds being sent home here.

Includes questions, etc, from the media. It gives a little more detail, anyway.

Mitchell Johnson drowns under a shitload of balls

2009-06-04T23:06:00.006+10:00

Cricket balls, that is.

Nobody heard his cries for help until it was too late.

The quicksand (or quickballs, in this instance) consumed him whole.

Roy getting kicked off the World T20 team?

2009-06-04T21:27:00.004+10:00

Cricinfo are onto something, and it's going to be revealed within the hour apparently.

Apparently Andrew Symonds may be heading home if the reports are to be believed.

I'm at a loss for words.

EDIT: Here we go, it is relating to alcohol. You'll never learn, Roy.

According to Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland, Symonds broke team rules related to alcohol and other issues, while the captain, Ricky Ponting, is due to address the media in London at 1pm.

Cue the very many jokes to be made at his expense in the next few days.

What did he do this time? Ask Baz where the bloody hell he was on British radio?

Ah, and now he might just lose his central contract. Well done, Roy. It was all worth it for that one drink, wasn't it?

Sledging Siddle

2009-06-04T17:20:00.003+10:00

Cricinfo have a piece up in which we're treated to the creativity of South African fans in their taunting of Siddle. I hope you're expecting something great, because it sure is:

"Siddle's a wanker" became a popular chant among the South African fans during this year's series.

There you go. Bloody hell, if I were a saffa, I'd be pretty freaking embarrassed by those efforts. It might even be worse than Aussie fans and the Glenn McGrath song, although that was slightly awesome, I'll admit.

But "Siddle's a wanker" is bereft of any real knife-plunging qualities, not that fans are usually capable of coming up with anything good anyway. However, there have been a few good sledges from crowds in past years. If I were Sidds, I would laugh in the faces of these saffas.

In Andrew McDonald news, he tells us he isn't motivated by Bob Willis' Ronald McDonald comparisons in the papers. Gee, I wonder why.

I also can't help noticing that a certain fake person has begun blogging again. While I don't particularly have any real interest in it at all, I just thought I'd link to an interview with the Fake IPL Player which I believed to be fake itself. As it turns out, the interview is actually real. Yeah. I know. He's struggling to come to terms with being old news, the poor thing.

"This is not a tennis ball. These things will crack skulls."

2009-06-04T15:48:00.004+10:00

I am amused. Last I heard sometime in 07/08, there was going to be a Bollywood movie released with some Aussie cricketers playing a cameo role in it, namely Brett Lee.

But I had no idea the movie had been released when I stumbled across this trailer for the movie. It's so great I have no words for it:

That's alright but even better than it is this excerpt (?) from the movie. I don't really know where it fits in, but it appears to be a song from the movie in which the captains of pretty much every cricketing nation of the world talk about just how great the main character of the film (a young Indian cricketer) is and how they just can't find a way to break his defences. Tony Greig also gets a few words in:

It's just really bloody hilarious.

AB tries to be more like Sehwag

2009-06-04T13:33:00.003+10:00

The cunning bastard. So much for his game plan being to give himself 20 balls to get into the game before firing, as he so honestly told me, apparently he wants to steal some of Sehwag's success with his "Watch ball, hit ball" campaign.

In a recent interview, AB does a 180 and pretends he never had that game plan he has often talked about. Instead, he's paraphrasing Sehwag's genius:

What is the gameplan?
It's not difficult. See the ball and hit it.

Last I checked, "see the ball and hit it" is a lot like "watch ball, hit ball". Just look at AB go. The little devil.

Next thing you know, AB's going to be saying he visualises songs when he's at the crease, just like good old Sehwag.

I'm onto AB.

Fuck.

2009-06-04T10:51:00.004+10:00

I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this. My arch nemesis has done it, he's gone and gotten the CD in stores.

I am horrified.

There is nothing okay about this. Nothing at all.

And I now know what Ampie du Preez looks like. You bastard, who's the zombie now?

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-04T09:54:00.004+10:00

I can't say who won yesterday's. Probably everyone, or Esra by default. Just remember that everyone's a winner because they participate. Gosh, I'm good. Today's QotD will require you to know Clarke inside out and to even be able to figure out the link between a photo and events that have occurred in his life. Can you do it? Let's find out:

What is Michael Clarke doing in the following photo?

And no, it's not just celebrating his century. There's something significant about this photo. Do you remember what?

By the way, apparently Mitch Johnson proposed to Jessica of the famous underwear. I have it on good authority that Clarke smugly called Mitch a copycat.

Almost embarrassed

2009-06-04T09:31:00.003+10:00

If I weren't so sneaky, I'd almost feel embarrassed by how Albie performed in the warm-up match against Sri Lanka.

But I am sneaky, so I'll tell you it was just a warm-up match. Clearly he was giving the opposition a chance to get themselves into the game so he could execute a real crackdown towards the end. The poor fellow forgot he only gets to bowl four overs, though, so he didn't get around to the part where he gets a hat-trick.

It's okay. Albie has learnt from his mistake and will now time his strategy to four overs.

And this is getting really petty here, but fuck me if I'm not petty when it comes to AB. Doesn't he just look absolutely shit in the SA uniform?

Albie, on the other hand, is doing alright.

Spotto

2009-06-04T09:25:00.002+10:00

It really does take two to tango. ROFL can tell you that.

Spotted: Morne and ROFL getting their dancing shoes on.

Don't worry guys, I'm not disappearing on you yet.

Ricky and the Ashes Urn

2009-06-04T09:21:00.005+10:00

An addition to the last installment of the series. Because it gets better.

"I'm happy."

"I'm determined."

He has the emotional breadth of a donkey, that Ricky.

When Albie plays...

2009-06-03T22:39:00.003+10:00

Expect him to pick up a 3 wicket haul in a practice match. And at least 30 runs on top of that.

OKAY. Man, I've just got this gut feeling that the World T20 or whatever it is will be a whole lot better because Johannes Albertus Morkel will play in it. At the moment, Dale Steyn has magically become capable of bowling well once the IPL is over and he's playing for his country again. Funny that.

Albie doesn't count. He puts his heart and soul into everything. He told me so.

I'm a little afraid that Channel 9 are going to be broadcasting the World T20. I didn't even bother finding out until today, that's how little I care about watching every match live.

In State of Origin Watch, NSW ARE ONE DOWN. FUCKING HELL. If Jarryd Hayne's name weren't spelt like that, I'd probably have his babies. That, and if he weren't an NRL player. We all know how they get, now don't we?

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-03T18:01:00.004+10:00

Just quickly before I go, a deeply thought-provoking question which will get your brain working:

What is it about Michael Clarke that makes you just want to punch him in the face?

We've often wondered it, but never actually questioned that basic emotion. So if you can highlight just what it is about Pup that is so irritating, you might walk away the winner today.

PUNCH.

KP tries to kill a 15 year old kid

2009-06-03T17:59:00.001+10:00

I think it's safe to say I'm not the only person who laughed when they read this.

I feel sorry for the kid, of course, but that's just classic. And note KP leaving the kid a signed bat as some sort of compensation. Amusing beyond belief.

Run Ricky Run

2009-06-03T17:28:00.002+10:00

For every run Ricky makes in the Ashes series, you donate a certain amount which is then forwarded to a charity supporting children through cancer.

Clearly this is a perfect excuse for England to go easy on Ricky. He’s helping little kids, for god’s sake. Have some pity, throw him some half-volleys.

The website for Run Ricky Run is rather interesting, but only because Ricky is updating his Facebook as we go through the World Twenty20 and probably the Ashes too. He’s doing it every day. Amazing. The latest is about the NZ warm-up match:

We beat New Zealand tonight passing their 147 with four balls remaining. Our bowlers certainly lifted a gear from the first game against Bangladesh and our fielding was much sharper. I scored 56 off 40 balls and am feeling good at the moment. All in all - a very satisfying result all round.

All in all, a boring person, but we’ve come to expect that from him.

And that brings me to some unfortunate news of mine. Due to a rather hasty life-changing career decision I made today, I fear I won’t be able to blog quite so often. I’ve had a good long think about it and my options are essentially to stop blogging or to possibly continue doing so, albeit posting much less. I’m going to be busy, especially on weekdays, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to get much in for about 5 days of the week. The weekend would be a little easier, but only a little. What’s happening is good news for me, but not so much this blog.

So that’s what’s going to happen. I’m sorry about it, you guys are awesome. But… you know. Life. It happens. I apologise if I don’t get to reply to all your comments but I’ll try to read them all if I can. I’m just going to have to become one of those people who work ridiculously long weeks, not that I mind because it’s a pretty awesome situation. For me. Going to new heights, etc, what people always dream of doing.

Ah, okay. That’s that. I can’t help feeling that this blog won’t be half of what it is right now if I don’t post as much, but oh well. I can’t help it. I’ll make sure I post when I can, I promise.

Till next time, adieu, my friends. Adieu.

Something strange

2009-06-03T06:59:00.001+10:00

I think Ponting's playing T20 pretty well.

Damn.

How To Look Stupid

2009-06-02T22:33:00.002+10:00

Contrary to popular belief, actually being stupid is the hard part. It's looking convincingly stupid which really troubles people.

Which is why Ricky is here to help.

Thanks, Ricky.

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-02T18:28:00.003+10:00

Well, I think it's fair to say Nightwatchgirl took out yesterday's competition in one fell swoop. I've never seen better articulation of Clarke's thoughts before.

So today's question is again of a different nature. It's testing your true expertise in keeping up with Michael Clarke through the years. Can you do it? Here's the QotD:

What non-cricket sporting personality was Michael Clarke involved in a physical altercation with previously?

Now, let me just say that googling the answer to this question is WRONG. In fact, it's practically cheating. If everyone googled the answer, I'm sure we'd have many winners. So answer only if you already know the answer. I can trust you all to do this, right? Right?

Go forth, then. Spread your wings and prove your true expert knowledge of Michael Clarke.

Psychoanalysis of Alastair Cook's Head

2009-06-02T17:59:00.008+10:00

This is, of course, a very thoughtful post based entirely in science. And of course, this is not actually psychoanalysis. That would be something else entirely. Instead, I will be discussing the left brain right brain features of Alastair Cook's HEAD. A science in its own right. Almost.

Before we begin, will someone tell Cook to stop it. He's making me cry:

Now that we're done with that horror, I'd like to say that's all you're going to see of Alastair's head, but unfortunately, that is not the case. This post is all about his head.

There is a theory amongst psychologists that the human face displays more than one emotion at a time. If you cut their face in half and reflect each half onto itself to make two separate images of the face, apparently you can see the left brain emotions and facial expressions of the person being studied, and of course, the right brain facial expressions in the other image.

Basically, I'm just going to chop a face in half and make mirror images of each half. No psychobabble bullshit for me.

So seeing as Cook's face is so wonderfully asymmetrical in that above photo, and so very creepy, why not try it out on his face?

Face 1: Right side of Cook's face (controlled by the left brain)

Looks normal enough, even better than the actual Alastair Cook. But then again, this is the left brain, which is supposed to be the more logical, rational side of the brain. It's supposed to be more reserved, not like the crazy as fuck right brain which is all about creativity and strong feelings. If you're scared, you sure as hell should be. If you're not scared, you sure as hell should be. Because:

Face 2: Left side of Cook's face (controlled by right brain)

Yes. "Fuck" is right. "Fuck" accompanied by a long scream is the right response to have.

Excuse me, but I may be traumatised for life.

Burt Cockley

2009-06-02T17:35:00.004+10:00

I do like what he's been doing recently, but if you read this article, you'd think he's Quasimodo.

I had no idea he had so many injuries and bulging discs in his spine.

But rather amusingly, Burt had no idea there was even a tour on before he got picked for the Australia A side.

No. Not the same.

Is Graeme Smith gay?

2009-06-02T16:36:00.003+10:00

Just wondering, have I ever explicitly said Graeme is gay?

I honestly can't remember but I'm getting the odd feeling that maybe I've said it before from reading all your comments. So if I have, please enlighten me. I'd just like to have an idea of exactly what it is I said. He probably isn't, anyway.

Oh, and will you look at that? Graeme Smith is on Twitter. Dum di dum.

KP thinks he's a star

2009-06-02T16:19:00.003+10:00

Surely if you're one of they key players your team relies on to stand a chance of winning matches, you wouldn't actually go say it. In any case, that's not how it's done in England. Just as I'd almost forgotten KP is a South African (and therefore, the following makes total sense), he reminds us otherwise:

"England are not relying on one or two players. If you look at Australia during their good times, if Hayden didn't perform, Gilchrist did."

Fair enough, that's pretty true. But wait for him to essentially place himself in the same league as Hayden:

"The best thing about what's happening now is that if I fail like I did when I got a first-baller at Lord's, we still got a decent total."

Oh, how you make me laugh. It's a miracle, says KP. It's a miracle that England can perform well without him. He's the star player, the man who normally has to do it all. And now he doesn't.

Dear god. It's almost like he's acknowledging the truth, what many people have said. That KP is the key batsman for England, that he can win them matches. But the thing is, nobody has ever come out and said 'Yeah, I'm it. I'm the person who makes things happen for my team.' Yet KP essentially is, and he's managed to disguise it as a humble comment. Amazing.

Warm-up matches and other irrelevant stuff

2009-06-02T07:29:00.002+10:00

South Africa beat Pakistan.
Australia beat Bangladesh.
New Zealand beat India (hahahaha, yay)
And Ireland beat the Netherlands in a Super Over.

That's Super stuff. Apparently Dirk was the best Dutch bowler there. Well, yeah.

New Zealand continue their Twenty20 reign over India. I do like the Black Caps. I wouldn't mind if they won the tournament either.

But I will tell you something about the South Africa match. AB is run out for 2, in comes Albie and hello 32 RUNS. Hahahaha. Off 14 balls as well. But then again, it was against Pakistan. Don't give a shit. Albie is going to beat everyone to the ground this tournament. I can tell.

The hilarity of ROFL

2009-06-02T07:20:00.003+10:00

Boncam sends in yet another funny ROFL-related thing, this time a photo:

Just look at the guy in the background. Top ROFL stuff there.

"ROFL makes me ROFL," says Boncam.

Yes. Yes he does.

Krudd Update

2009-06-01T19:44:00.004+10:00

Seeing as I am devoted to a lifetime of servitude to our beloved earwax-eating PM: Kevin Rudd THOUGHT HE HAD SWINE FLU.

Still a long way to go. Got tested for swine flu on return because I had a sore throat. Test negative. Just the normal lurgie.

I was scared too. But luckily he's safe from the horrors of swine flu in Singapore. Be relieved, my friends. His round face has many places to go.

What we need but don't have

2009-06-01T18:31:00.001+10:00

A bowler doing some of this again:

Preferably a spinner, and a leggie at that, but you know, we'll take what we get. Australia ain't all that picky no more when it comes to spinners.

Tait's an Australian A man

2009-06-01T18:02:00.003+10:00

If you were top tier material and were dropped from the national team only to find yourself on the A team, would you be pissed off? Could you even bear a grudge when the selectors somehow end up looking like the good guys in all this?

These are all questions Shaun Tait will be asking himself, after being selected for the Australia A squad to play Pakistan A in Brisbane these coming months.

That's not the biggest news, however, because Andrew Symonds has been left out of the squad. So has Brad Hodge, but it's Roy where the real worries lie. Cricket Australia are looking to punish him badly, so much so that he can't even make the A team. What the fuck is going on here? Are they being entirely serious, because that's just bullshit. Hilditch serves up some valid points on how they're going with a young squad:

"The selection recognises the performances of these young talented players in the domestic season last year whilst concentrating on those players we have identified as having the ability to play a significant role in the development of Australian cricket in the future."

But where does all this leave Symonds? What exactly do they expect to get out of him?

Cameron White's captaining the team for both the four-day and limited overs matches, while Ryan Broad, Michael Klinger and Blues man Burt Cockley (walking around with an awesome name like that and taking wickets for NSW, good man) are only in for the two four-day matches. Other limited overs specialists or thereabouts will be coming in for the other matches, being Dave Warner, Tait, and Moises Henriques, who's a bit of a nothing.

You'll be amused to know that Adam Voges is in the squad as vice-captain. I guess CA couldn't pretend he didn't exist any longer.

And now, I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be appalled at the fact that Shaun Tait has only been included in the squad "subject to fitness" especially after it's been declared he is. The selectors sure love fucking with his mind.

George Bailey, recently appointed Tassie captain after one of their greats stood down, also makes the cut. He's the designated ray of sunshine for the team.

Even better, Dougie's there, raring to go. Making the Ashes squad was always going to be a tough ask of both him and the selectors. Other big names include Shaun Marsh (subject to fitness, of course) and the Echidna. Awesome, you say? I agree. Jason Krejza is also hoping to spin his hair off for the A team.

The squad: Cameron White (capt) Adam Voges, George Bailey, Doug Bollinger, Ryan Broad, Burt Cockley, Callum Ferguson, Brett Geeves, Moises Henriques, Jon Holland, Michael Klinger, Jason Krejza, Shaun Marsh, Clint McKay, Tim Paine, Shaun Tait, David Warner

Honk if you'd marry him.

Will Mike fire?

2009-06-01T17:53:00.004+10:00

Michael Hussey, folks. The guy who averaged 91.60 in the '07 Ashes. We kind of need him and he knows. If he were currently in form as he has been previously, we would be hearing a lot more of him, because averaging close to 100 in a series is no mean feat. There's only one other man who came close to doing it, and he hated everyone. Mike doesn't, so he's willing to offer some words on his recent form:

"Test cricket has never been easy for me."

Hello.

"I'm still really enjoying it, I'm enjoying this period as well."

Hello again. Enjoying failure, are we?

"Obviously, I've been disappointed with my recent results in Test cricket. I haven't been disappointed with my actual form."

Make him stop. Make him not look so likely to get out for a duck as soon as he comes on and then we'll talk form with Mr. Cricket.

Buchanan the cunning bastard

2009-06-01T16:54:00.003+10:00

We see what he's doing there, cavorting with the enemy and then having the guile to say it's not Ashes talk. Trying to get Australian officials and players paranoid, are we? Yes indeed is the answer. Clever fellow, here's John Buchanan dodging the real truth:

"I did drop in and see some cricket officials in England on my way home from South Africa but it was a fleeting visit. There have been no negotiations, and nothing about the Ashes."

Or so he says.

Contrary to his poorly disguised lies, I have some contacts who tell me on very good authority that Buchanan was recently seen sneaking into ECB offices holding a sack full of cooking utensils designed for camping in the bush. Or in some quiet woods in northern England, I suppose.

Don't believe his lies, Warnie says he's evil and so he must be. He's fucked in the head, and the Kolkata Knight Riders are one way to prove this. Part of me hopes he does become England's coach development manager because then he'll send some of the players mad as he has attempted to do so to many other international players.

But the other part of me knows better.

How The World Has Changed

2009-06-01T16:25:00.003+10:00

Cricinfo has been beaten to a pulp and then remodelled into the shit crazy website it is now. I like it. Gone are the days of blue and white colour schemes, Cricinfo now has balls. Drop down menus, everything in neat little compartments, ESPN plastered all over it. It's going to take some getting used to and I can't navigate around it completely yet but a quick look around and extended use should do the trick. Plus, it even has a walk-through feature if you have the time. Which I don't. Not today, anyway.

Cricinfo is no longer the grandfather of sports websites.

In other news, just about every team has said they think they can win the World T20. If only one had said it, I might talk about it, but all of them pretty much have so it's useless.

Russell Kane on ECB cliches

2009-06-01T07:18:00.002+10:00

You folks never give me a chance to read your comments before I head out for the day. Never fear, because Russell Kane is here to liven up everyone's day. This is a segment taken from an SBS show 'The Squiz', which is basically a sports quiz. And in this clip, funny man Kane is made to give a speech by the ECB explaining why England have had 7 captains in 2 years or something.

It's pretty shoddy quality video, I can't believe it's even uploaded, but the cliches he's supposed to work into his speech are a laugh:

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-06-01T00:19:00.004+10:00

It might only be 19 minutes into the day, but hey, I'm a busy woman. Got things to do, places to be. So here's the QotD, following a cracker of a round yesterday which saw Esra know the answer to a fairly obscure question.

What is Michael Clarke thinking in the following photo?

I'm sure this is one everyone will know the answer to.

It's not how you drive, it's how you arrive

2009-05-31T23:58:00.003+10:00

Just checking up on the popularity poll on SuperSport, which I do believe Albie has no chance of winning whatsoever (nor does Duminy, so there goes my interest in that), I noticed an article about ROFL. It's a good day for him on this blog.

The article mostly has stuff I already know, but at the end, there's a quote from the presentation ceremony after the T20 against Australia which ROFL won MoM for. I cannot believe I missed this when it was shown. I must have been asleep. But it's pretty damn funny. ROFL talks about his crazy as fuck batting style:

"It's not how you drive, it's how you arrive."

Marvellous, says Richie.

Arriving in style.

Worth Watching The Champions League For

2009-05-31T22:17:00.005+10:00

You might have been feeling disillusioned by it all. That's why I'm here. When you feel like you might give the Champions League a miss this year, I remind you that a very special player will be in it this year.

Pause for thought.

Guess who.

Keep guessing.

I'm giving you a whole lot of time to guess who's playing.

Hint: it's not Napoleon Einstein.

Maybe some of you got it if you're clever chooks. Anyway, folks, it's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Yes, you'd almost forgotten about him, hadn't you? My ambidextrous saffa friend, one of four best friends of mine. Let me refresh your memory.

So that's Sybrand, and the freakish guy is playing for the Cape Cobras in the Champions League this year. This is exciting news for someone like me. I've seen the Aussie domestic cricketers at home, I've seen as much of the other countries as I want to, but I've never seen Sybrand in action except for that one Test in South Africa where he was a substitute fielder. That was clever of the fuckers. Why not send an ambidextrous fellow on to run every out? I like the way they think.

I'm also out of Sybrand pictures and I need him to play more often. There's nothing like a best friend getting some matches. At the moment, Sybrand is the only one of the four likely to do anything. BRING BACK VAUGHN. And Napoleon. And Abishek Raut. What happened to him, anyway?

I'll be making sure I watch every Cape Cobras match for Sybrand. Can't miss out on supporting a best friend when they finally get a game.

Imgonnagetcha

Dhoni Morphing Into A Lion

2009-05-31T16:32:00.005+10:00

The ridiculousness of the rest of the video is irrelevant. DHONI'S HEAD MORPHS INTO A LION'S HEAD, folks.

Holy fucking shit.

That's just really trippy.

I also feel so very sorry for Dhoni, Raina and whoever the last fellow is. Badrinath? I can't tell.

Michael Clarke Question of the Day

2009-05-31T14:07:00.003+10:00

It's that time of the day again. Can Esra beat Ryan Campbell in her expert knowledge of Michael Clarke? Can you beat Esra as Graeme did yesterday? If so, will she go down fighting or become so riddled with self-hate that she will believe herself to be even less of an expert than Campbell himself?

We'll soon find out.

The QotD is: What is Michael Clarke's unofficial policy when it comes to signing autographs for fans?

Do you know the answer?

That photo has no bearing on the answer, by the way. You're all alone.

Where Australia are at

2009-05-31T13:19:00.006+10:00

Michael Clarke doesn't want to captain in his lifetime. Idiot. He'd rather be the perpetual vice-captain:

"I'm definitely not ready right now with the captain we've got. For me, I hope he captains until the end of my career."

Ricky Ponting has suffered a small blow to his hand which apparently saw

Ponting lay prone on the ground for a couple of minutes, teammates huddling around him, before being taken away for treatment.

He also later "apologetically declined to shake a journalists' hand, indicating the strapping round his arm." Everyone knows he just didn't want to get British germs, after being told by Brett Lee that they were all carrying the swine flu, the English being immune to it themselves after spending centuries in close contact with pigs. Very close contact.

Look at that fake concern on Brett's face.

Brad Haddin thinks this current team can "leave their mark as an Australian team". If he keeps edging his gloves in front of the stumps to claim stumpings, they sure will.

And Mitchell Johnson wants to bat in the top 6 as a batting all-rounder.

Looking good?