England's Ashes Hopes

Lie in the hands of 16 men among whom there is no MPV or Harmison. Not that we expected the former to play.

Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.

Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.

And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.

The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann

Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!

Just look at your royal family for proof.

Albie gobbles up KP

Gobble gobble. You'd think the same too if you saw the following:

He was just really happy is all. That's how 28 year olds look when they're happy, like the innocent bliss you feel when you don't know that later in the day you won't get a chance to bat because a fat fucker hogs the limelight. That same man then goes on to be MoM when clearly it should have been Albie getting it, JUST BECAUSE.

If I had to nominate the best South African bowler in the England match, it would be tough. Because there was no clear winner, they were all great. Oh fuck it, one of them was clearly the best.

Have a guess. Go on, guess.

If you thought Wayne Parnell, get the fuck off this blog.

I'm talking about the REAL star whose efforts went unnoticed, even though he bloody well bowled the best he ever has in his life. Yes, it was Albie Morkel the 28 year old. He went for no runs at all in his spell, his extremely long, hard fought spell. The one over spell which took concentration far beyond that which any other all-rounder in the world possesses. It wasn't just a maiden, it was a wicket maiden, as Albie ran down the pitch and gobbled up KP with his large mouth.

I'm sure if Albie had bowled more overs, he would have repeated exactly the same thing. That would silence all his critics.

England were... well, they were England. I'm sorry for them, I really am.

How KP saved England

Boy, they sure were glad to have him back. Well, him and Dimi and Graeme Swann. But KP's 58 off 38 balls gave them a shitload of confidence, and Adil Rashid coming on later also did a good job of containing runs.

Funnily enough, Stuart Broad didn't have all that bad of a match. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he had a good one. 3 wickets, lowest economy rate of England's bowlers, this:

I think he's pretty pleased with himself.

England are through to the Super Eights based on their NRR. The breathe a collective sigh of relief because they were so damn close to not making it that this escape from embarrassment will be more than well received. It was really a matter of one match that would have decided their fate. Nice compact format, this World T20.

There's a pretty funny photo of KP's dismissal:

Good one, Ajmal.

"We were only joking"

"Can't you take a bit of a joke, everyone?" asks Collingwood at the press conference after the shock loss to the Netherlands.

"We were just having a laugh," Broad tells reporters. "Jimmy thought it'd be funny to give the Dutch fellows a win and take it from there."

"Graeme and Kevin were at home blowing up party balloons to celebrate the planned loss to the Netherlands," Colly continues. "Straussy was over too. They were watching the match on telly and having a bit of a laugh."

"That expression on my face?" Stuart is surprised. "Oh, at the end? Which one was it again?" The reporters oblige him.

"Oh, that," Broad says as he views the photograph. "Completely planned."

Beside him, Collingwood nods. "Completely planned. Bring on the Pakistani boys, I say."

Why Ravi Wants To Kill KP

You would too, if you were him.

I wonder if every time KP does that he realises just how much the other person wants to bash his head in.

In the words of England's best Queen, we are not amused. Or at least, Ravi Bopara isn't.

KP tries to kill a 15 year old kid

I think it's safe to say I'm not the only person who laughed when they read this.

I feel sorry for the kid, of course, but that's just classic. And note KP leaving the kid a signed bat as some sort of compensation. Amusing beyond belief.

KP thinks he's a star

Surely if you're one of they key players your team relies on to stand a chance of winning matches, you wouldn't actually go say it. In any case, that's not how it's done in England. Just as I'd almost forgotten KP is a South African (and therefore, the following makes total sense), he reminds us otherwise:

"England are not relying on one or two players. If you look at Australia during their good times, if Hayden didn't perform, Gilchrist did."

Fair enough, that's pretty true. But wait for him to essentially place himself in the same league as Hayden:

"The best thing about what's happening now is that if I fail like I did when I got a first-baller at Lord's, we still got a decent total."

Oh, how you make me laugh. It's a miracle, says KP. It's a miracle that England can perform well without him. He's the star player, the man who normally has to do it all. And now he doesn't.

Dear god. It's almost like he's acknowledging the truth, what many people have said. That KP is the key batsman for England, that he can win them matches. But the thing is, nobody has ever come out and said 'Yeah, I'm it. I'm the person who makes things happen for my team.' Yet KP essentially is, and he's managed to disguise it as a humble comment. Amazing.

KP isn't very good at T20

The boy has a sense of humour. Speaking to The Mirror, he had a little to say about his T20 performances:

"I'm not very good at Twenty20 cricket, am I?"

"Funny chap," hordes of Englishmen chuckle over their morning paper. That's more like it, an English cricketer not believing he can play well. This is what the fans want.

I'm just glad I didn't have to actually listen to KP as he said this or I might not find it quite so funny. Whenever he talks, something inside me dies and I find myself squirming at the sound of his voice.

But KP is about to show even more of his comedian side when talking about the IPL:

"I made a great captain didn't I? We won two out of six when I was there and then Anil Kumble took over and they got to the final."

A failure as captain, the fans will love that even more.

He's not very good at T20, is he?

Ricky gets a few words in

He tries, you know. It might not always work, but he sure as hell tries to target the key players England have perceived will be important in the series, and then he does his best to knock them down.

With Freddie, it's about fitness, which is a fair enough point:

"Flintoff is obviously very important to their make-up and set-up. Maybe, as we saw in 2007, if he's not 100% fit then maybe that sort of impact he can have around the team is not there. From 2005 to 2007 we saw two completely different players and that had a lot to do with the level of fitness that he had under his belt going into each series. That's where they're going to have a tough decision to make."

And then, in his lovely "relaxed and rejuvenated way" he tries hinting that KP's Achilles tendon might cause problems for the side too:

"I don't know where Pietersen's at at the moment, I'm not sure how bad his problem is, but they could face something similar there as well."

Maybe he just needs to validate his team since being at Trent Bridge has brought some rather unpleasant memories back. The Australians might not be half as cocky going into this series as they were in 2005, but Ricky will be damned if he doesn't get a chance to undermine the opposition in any way possible.

But wait, here's his last sly comment, this time about Strauss:

"We haven't had the chance to see him against us as a leader and under intense pressure, and hopefully over the next few months we'll get to see that."

If Ricky were a diplomat, he'd be the kind that piss you off extremely but you can't for the life of you figure out why.

Bitter Owais Shah Looks For Revenge

Mesmerising everyone with his rather large eyes, Owais Shah is out for revenge against the ECB. The place to start is defending his county's decision to take on Phil Hughes prior to the Ashes. For the unitiated, the best way to do this is to remove one of England's possible avenues for excuse if they happen to lose the Ashes series. Here's how you do it, Owais-style:

"I don't think you can say that because this one guy has come in and played with us for six or seven weeks, it's going to tip the Ashes in their favour or our favour. It runs deeper than that."

He continued, "In fact, you're only going to lose the series if your number 3 is an incompetent asshole, so we'd better hope England doesn't have one like that, eh?" Oh Shah, I know where you're going with this. It's alright, we understand. Ravi's not going into hiding either, he knows what a great person you are.

Meanwhile, it turns out Kevin Pietersen's Achilles' heel is in fact his Achilles tendon. Apparently he'd "disappointed" he won't get to play the Windies in the ODI series. Bullshit, he's the luckiest guy on the team and I think everyone knows it. Wouldn't Strauss just love to skip this pointless contest against a country they don't particularly rate, having now jumped their way to 5 in the ICC Test ratings.

On the other hand, England could very much want to play this series against WI. It's been a while since they've won anything for an extended period of time. Plus, it'll boost their career figures a little, particularly for the newer players. Wouldn't a 5-for do Tim Bresnan a whole lot of good ahead of his fight with Freddie for a place in England's side. Some fight that'll be.

"VOT?!"

The Curse of the Nightwatchman

Centuries ago, in a small village in the highlands of Guatemala, a witch woman uttered the words to a curse which would plague one Kevin Pietersen in centuries to come.

You send your nightwatchman in, you don't make your half-century.

It's not Jimmy's fault. Maybe if you'd actually batted instead of sending him in while you sipped tea and had a jolly good time in the dressing rooms, you wouldn't have gotten out on 49.

Anyway, England are 6/569 at tea. At this rate, they'll actually declare. It's been a while since they've convincingly done that. Stuart Broad is playing like this is a one-dayer.

And yes, the news is that England have declared. Well done to them.

Why MPV will play the Ashes

Because Ricky Ponting thinks so.

Says Ricky:

"I've just got a bit of a feeling that they might want to get Vaughan back into the set-up and they might pick Harmison for when we get there."

Knowing the ECB, that might just happen. When predicting their next move, it's best not to go with the logical, strategic option and to instead revert to a "going with the old dogs" mentality.

"So I think their side might actually shape up closer to the side of 2005 or 2007 than we actually think it might."

Aside from the fact that sentence structure is just mad and he's not really making a point there at all if you read closely, Ricky thinks England might have an '05 looking side on their hands. At the same time, he thinks Australia's team is a "good team" and not a "great team". My god man, support your fucking countrymen. Where is the cockiness of old, I ask? You have evil gremlin midgets on your side now. Anything is possible.

But it is just all class to lump all of England's self-appointed chances in as "those guys we've played before":

"Otherwise their batting is fairly similar with Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, those guys."

What's more he calls Graham Onions "lively" twice in the same sentence, and actually acknowledges Bopara's century. We're making progress.

"Onions, he's a lively fellow... Mmm, tasty... Onions, he's a lively fellow."

The Future Of Switch-Hitting And Umpire Referrals

Is in the hands of the ICC committee. Over two days, they're going to delve into the nitty gritty of cricket and come out with the answers to some all-important questions, including the meaning of life, which is 42 if you don't already know.

The umpire referral system seems to be the main focus but they will also discuss the possibility of imposing a maximum weight for bats, day-night Tests and switch-hitting. The last time KP tried this, he got out. It was glorious. After the first few times he tried it, back in the days, he told Nasser Hussain he'd been practising the shot for ages before he'd actually tried it in an actual game, that there was a "method to my madness." Not against Daniel Vettori, unfortunately. Someone needs to mail him a tape of that delivery, it was the highlight of the game.

Some of the questions the committee will be considering:

- Was the number of overall incorrect umpiring decisions reduced?
- Was there an undue negative influence on the pace of the game?
- Was it fair to ask the players to request a referral?
- What was the effect on the umpires and was the authority of the on-field officials unduly compromised?

Yes, yes, maybe and yes.

Even some of the yes answers don't have positive effects on the game. There is a way to involve technology in this game, and I believe it rests in the players not protesting every out decision and doubting the judgement of umpires. Instead, the use of perhaps more communication between the third umpire and the on-field umpires would be a better option.

We'll see. Meanwhile, KP is busy perfecting that switch-hit of his. But there's one person in the world who could play it better than he does.

"Me. BOO!"

English Winners

Never thought I'd put those two words next to each other, did you? But I have. Because winning by 10 wickets is a bloody good way to start things, even if a lot of that was caused by an incredibly mediocre performance by the West Indies.

Although I hear they were a little worried hearing they'd have to make 32 to win. Knowing their royal collapses, that was enough to put a little doubt into their minds.

I just really like Ravi Bopara. He certainly doesn't look like the other Number 3s they could have gone with, and he isn't quite so likely to forget which team he's on and guide the ball to the stumps either. Plus, he can bowl a bit and field well enough.

I'm pegging Bopara to be one of the main batsmen to stand up in the Ashes, and possibly KP or Strauss as the other. Pietersen seems a little more likely given his past performances.

I'm also revising my hopes for the outcome of this series. I want England to convincingly beat the Windies just so we can crush them irreparably in the Ashes series.

In other news, Phil Hughes has fallen for 195 against Surrey. Hahaha, England are fucked, come July.

"England. You're fucked."

Go midgets.

Apparently England are playing ODIs

I guess they didn't get the memo telling them Test cricket was up next. Just look at them fall on successive balls. Kevin Pietersen is an absolute duck and suddenly Bopara has to get their shit together for them.

As if he hasn't already been doing exactly that.

My oh my, this is amusing. I actually thought the West Indies could win this match, but if they continue to bowl well (Fidel Edwards is on a roll now, look at him go) in both innings, I think an innings defeat is entirely possible. Provided the Windies don't have a brain explosion either.

Fun, fun, fun, at the cricket. Apparently they only sold 12k tickets to today's game, which is something like half the total capacity of the stadium. I guess the English aren't very enthusiastic about seeing limited overs-style collapses like these.

It's early days, but England sure know how to swing things out of their favour. Very early days but I don't care. Will Edwards get his hat-trick? I doubt it, but you never really know, do you?

England Won't Win The Ashes

I didn't say it, Geoffrey Boycott did.

Well, I thought it, but okay. I always think we'll win the Ashes, it's how I roll. This year's either going to be a devastating win by the Aussies or a very close series. I'm hoping for the first, because as much as I love a close game, against the English, a great victory goes a long way. We need to rub it in their faces if possible, and make them feel incompetent, especially after all their recent off-field (and on-field) troubles.

While I do like a few of the Pommy bastards, especially those without retarded voices like KP, I tend to agree with Boycott:

"Can they win the Ashes? No, I think they will draw if anything, and the Australians will retain them."

And the fact that I agree with that means I am blinded to the state of Australia's bowling (minus Mitch) and at times, their batting. I don't care. If there's one sporting competition we have to win no matter what, it's the Ashes. We grow up regularly feasting on Brit blood and this is no less (btw, the Olympics? GOLD MEDALS IN RELATION TO THE POPULATION SIZE, BITCHES). We just need to win this for our men to go on believing their balls are really that big and for our women to... I don't know, do something. Point is, winning the Ashes is a full time job for us.

While our bowlers may seem lacking at times, England's bowlers have done a pretty shocking job of securing actual wins in Test matches over the past few years. Far too many matches have resulted in draws after a reasonable performance from their batsmen. At the end of the day, you need 20 wickets to win a Test, and no amount of restricting or tight bowling is going to take that eventuality away from you.

It's not a certainty that we'll win the Ashes, but Phil Hughes' presence makes me a hell of a lot more comfortable in hoping that we can.

And at least this time the match is in England, so KP won't have to worry about being called a pommie bastard by unapologetic Aussies, much like his good old adulterer prince. Whine, whine, whine.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

KP Hates Aussie Crowds

Yes he does. He knows all about it too:

"I have never heard abuse like the last time we were in Australia playing in the Ashes... Australia took me by surprise with the sheer levels of stick we got as a team. It was pretty relentless. Everywhere you go, you are going to get a small minority of a crowd who will come to the ground to heckle and chuck abuse. Australian crowds are really bad, though."

Yeah, bitch, it's how things go. We learn sledging before we learn the alphabet.

But KP comes across as a bit of a whiner there. He even thinks Allan Border's involved in the Australian conspiracy:

"In Australia, even some of their former players get involved with the abuse. I remember in 2007 when I'd broken my rib and had to fly home, Allan Border accused me of getting out of the country too quickly. He inferred I wasn't badly hurt and I considered that a massive insult. It was a cheap shot."

"In Australia, even some of their former players..."
Aussies. What can I say? Apparently we're just inherently a bunch of dickheads. Apparently. But I think KP's also exaggerating more than you'd think.

Okay, so we might sledge a heck of a lot, but Australians are made out to be a truly dastardly group who are the root of all evil. Now that we're on the topic, I might as well admit that JFK, 9/11, Katrina and the Depression were also because of us.

The Aussie cricketing team is worse. It's the villainous overlord ripping everyone else to shreds.

Jacques Kallis and the White Mischief Gals

Get ready to puke.

From our favourite Mischief Gal's blog.

KP is honestly half-woman there.

Jacques Kallis is disturbing beyond belief. Will you look at that expression? If I had to meet him, I'd kill myself.

How To Win The Ashes - Part 2

England hand it to us on a plate.

England's West Indies Test squad: Andrew Strauss (capt), James Anderson, Ravi Bopara, Tim Bresnan, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Graham Onions, Monty Panesar, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior (wk), Graeme Swann

Ravi Bopara muscles in on the Number 3 spot which was looking to be Ian Bell, Michael Vaughan or Owais Shah's pick. KP has somehow managed to avoid the spot altogether and made it look as though he was never having to consider playing at 3 to save face for England.

Graham Onions and Tim Bresnan are about to debut, but I'm sure Onions will have a stinker of a match. Geoff Miller's explanation behind these two selections was that

"They've bowled very, very well pre-season and they've bowled very well in the early part of the season. We need to find strong backup and one or two other seam bowlers who are of international quality and these two have out-bowled the others so they get their chance."

Onions is reportedly very pleased.

The ECB have done some good in leaving out Bell and Vaughan, but will you just look at the squad? The Ashes squad will be mostly similar, perhaps dropping some of the debutants, and with the inclusion of Freddie. None of those players going to the Windies look great. Maybe Strauss is on a roll, but honestly, who are they kidding? Hats off to not living in the past (i.e. 2005) and going with all those old fellows, but word is the Scots are already calling it shite.

Miller is excited about this new squad, and he thinks it's going to take England to great heights and open up closed shops and things like that. Didn't understand what that meant? Neither did I:

"I think it's exciting, we've been designated as a closed shop for some time now and this just shows to county cricketers that we are not a closed shop and we are prepared to open it up."

I'm sure I'm not the only person who didn't find that analogy all that great.

Monty will be opening up their shop.