You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

Stuart Broad tells the best joke ever heard to mankind

It's true, he does. In an interview with the Guardian, Stuart Broad gets his funny on. Take this hilarious joke for instance:

What's the name of the fastest cake?
Too late, it's scone.

Did you laugh? I did. I spent a good ten minutes laughing at the one. Good one, Broady! He's a riot, that boy.

He also likes bananas and has a rather creepy banana fetish, the details of which I won't go into. It is too disturbing.

Broad still has some genius left in him. He tries claiming he has hit puberty, but nobody believes him of course. Then comes the biggest shock. Not only is he physically doomed to be trapped in the body of a 9 year old, but he is also on a similar mental platform as a 9 year old:

What is the best sledge ever aimed at you?
I can never really explain what is going on when I'm getting sledged. So, I end up just nodding and smiling, which seems to annoy them more.

Jesus, no use trying to sledge the boy, it'll just go completely over the top of his head. To be honest, sometimes you can sympathise with him. Dale Steyn, who is not very well known for his sledging abilities, has had a crack at sending some comments down Broad's way. Here is the result, as dictated by Stuart:

Do you play dumb or does it come naturally? I think.... I mean, Dale Steyn just called me Baywatch for the whole series when we played against them [South Africa]. I didn't really know what he meant, it certainly wasn't for my strapping figure.

Hahahahaha, and with that, my friends, I leave you, although not to do anything particularly interesting. Canberra is a pretty boring place at night, I'm afraid. I know the locals like its... smallness, but damn, I wouldn't want to live here my whole life. It's good for occasional visits. Fingers crossed I don't have to start living here.

Now go watch some cricket.

When Albie plays...

Expect him to pick up a 3 wicket haul in a practice match. And at least 30 runs on top of that.

OKAY. Man, I've just got this gut feeling that the World T20 or whatever it is will be a whole lot better because Johannes Albertus Morkel will play in it. At the moment, Dale Steyn has magically become capable of bowling well once the IPL is over and he's playing for his country again. Funny that.

Albie doesn't count. He puts his heart and soul into everything. He told me so.

I'm a little afraid that Channel 9 are going to be broadcasting the World T20. I didn't even bother finding out until today, that's how little I care about watching every match live.

In State of Origin Watch, NSW ARE ONE DOWN. FUCKING HELL. If Jarryd Hayne's name weren't spelt like that, I'd probably have his babies. That, and if he weren't an NRL player. We all know how they get, now don't we?

How ROFL nearly died

Boncam is on the case again, our South African correspondent telling us the latest tales of the goings on in the saffa camp. Today's breaking news is that GRAEME SMITH ATTEMPTED TO KILL ROFL.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it's also in Afrikaans so I'm fucked. Thankfully, Boncam is on the case, giving us a rundown of what happened and just how our evil elf almost died at the hands of the unforgiving sea, having been placed there by his flat-faced captain. This is how it went, says Boncam:

ROFL almost drowned during a training session in Durban. I am not kidding! They were in teams of 4. ROFL with JP, Steyn & GS. They decided ROFL should swim the 300m. I think they had to do a kind of triathlon thing. Some were running from the hotel to the beach, others were in a canoe and fuckface Graeme decided ROFL should do the swimming, its about 3.5km I am sure he can swim, GS & JP are coastal guys while ROFL is from the highlands, anyway the current was just too strong and he started going under. He was saved by a lifeguard who didnt even took the chance of swimming, he canoed over.

Phew, close call. Imagine if ROFL had really died? No more interesting personality, no more crazy hitting the ball with his eyes shut, no more sabotaging Christmas presents. The world would be a worse place without him.

Santa's worst behaved elf lives for another day.

Julio the Crocodile Hunter

Sara has sent in a very fascinating link to an interview with Dale Steyn at Cricinfo. It is revealing, to say the least. They have used the infamous picture of AB and Dale (of Love Saga fame) to accompany what is at times a funny interview. Funny in that you will laugh at Dale.


Take, for example:

I caught a crocodile not so long ago and it was a total accident... I can write about it in my book one day.

Talk about confidence and planning for the future, Dale Steyn's already got a bestseller mapped out in his head, to be titled: The Steyninator 101, a sort of glorified choose-your-own-adventure story of his life in which you battle mutant cows and overgrown cane toads.

My grandparents call me Champ. All my team-mates call me Julio. AB de Villiers gave it to me about five years ago and it just stuck. There is no real reason for it.

That's just real Love Saga material. Having insider nicknames for each other. "Julio" is a combination of both "Juliet" and "Romeo". BET YOU NEVER KNEW THAT. See, this is why I'm here. To tell you this stuff. I thought Steynki was enough, but apparently we now have to deal with a Julio as well.

Which cricketer would you pick to go with on a trip into the wild?
Actually I'll have to take both Morkel brothers - Albie and Morne. All three of us enjoy fishing, and they have a long history going into the bush and stuff like that, so they know their way around in the wild.

Strangely bizarre, sounds like Albie and Morne had a horrible childhood in which their manic father would regularly take them for trips into the wild to hunt tigers. He had a moustache and to this date, whenever Albie or Morne see a person with a stache they are reminded of their father and the bits of deer that used to be permanently lodged above his lip from eating raw meat in the jungle.

But a better story would be one of Morne and Albie being trained in the sounds of the jungle, clicking their tongues and waiting for the response from the wild animals to tell them which way is north. Or better yet, a Tarzan-style knowledge of the wild to accompany Julio's wild rampages as he chases deer over land, trying to become a Deer Hunter too. Robert De Niro was always his favourite actor.

If you were to play James Bond, who would you pick as the female lead? Not counting your girlfriend.
You're gonna have to put my girlfriend, purely because she is an actress. Jeanne Kietzmann is her name and you need to put it down. Otherwise Natalie Portman, because she looks similar.

I do believe they said "not counting your girlfriend" or maybe he thought they'd just stuck that in there for no reason and that they didn't know Jeanne was an actress. However, the rather interchangeable Jeanne is odd. It's kind of creepy going around and figuring out which actress your girlfriend looks like. Maybe it's on Jeanne's CV: "Looks like Natalie Portman."

Tell us about one sledge you will never forget.
I still remember what Matthew Hayden said in my very first Test against Australia, last year in Perth. I bowled the first ball of the match to Simon Katich and it ran wide and Mark Boucher took it in front of first slip. Hayden turned around and said I was going to be so nervous the whole game that I would bowling wides for the rest of the game. I shot back saying, "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs." It was an interesting chat we had.

Good one. Did it take you all of half an hour to say that? And who's willing to bet Haydos didn't understand a single word of it, especially if Julio said it in a retarded saffa accent.

Imagine Steyn all proud of himself for coming up with an irritatingly long "insult" and looking rather pleased with himself afterwards even though he was the only person who understood it. And imagine him thinking it was such a clever response he decided to recite it word for word to a reporter 6 months later, citing it as the "one sledge you'll never forget".

If you want a real sledge, take Eddo Brandes vs. McGrath:
"Why are you so fat?"
"Because everytime I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Or even Arjuna Ranatunga replying to Ian Healy's classic "Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped." with a particularly hilarious, "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be onto it before I can move."

But "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs" ?

That's Julio the Crocodile Hunter for you.

Dale Steyn's Advanced Hair

Someone got to this site looking for "advanced hair Dale Steyn".

I laughed.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

No Captaincy For Jacques

It's all a downward spiral for Jacques' IPL hopes. Now Ray Jennings is saying the captaincy is still being decided upon, even though they had pretty much made it clear he would be captain after KP left.

What did it? The pathetic bowling or the equally-as-bad batting? I am very interested. What tipped Bangalore over the edge? The 4 straight losses might have had something to do with it. And the fact that Jacques is just a fat fuck who doesn't even deserve the title of "Best All-Rounder in the World" but who still has it heaped on him regularly.

Or maybe they were truly terrified by the thought of captaining by consensus. Imagine that. No Dravid, no KP, just Jacques and a whole bunch of young Indian players, plus a Dale Steyn, Ross Taylor, Anil Kumble and maybe a Jesse Ryder. Sounds like a great decision-making committee. So many Kiwis they'd probably fuck it all up. But Kumble is the one good thing about that. I'm sure they could trust him, even if he's say the Deccan Chargers hadn't played in the spirit of the game because they WON, DAMMIT. Alright, that's a low dig. But I don't care.

Then again, who else does Bangalore have now? Nobody, that's what. They're fucked, and I'm not saying that lightly. They are well and truly fucked, and nobody's going to save their asses after KP hops on his private jet for England and slides down giant mountains of cash in his new mansion with glee.

Ray Jennings isn't even sure if he wants to play Jacques. That's desperate. If I were Ray Jennings, I'd play Jacques just to have a laugh, and then put all my money on the other team winning. That isn't how it works, unfortunately.

After that, they'd have to bring in Boucher, just to be a second senior player in the team and to make sure Jesse doesn't flip and Hulk everyone to bits. Jennings has said that if Jacques does play then of course he, wait for it... might be captain. So the only way for him to not possibly captain is if he doesn't play. And it seems as though Jennings is seriously considering that possibility.

Hallelujah. And not the sad one, the happy one.

"UNFLAPPABLE, TIRELESSLY SPENDS HOURS AT THE CREASE, ARGUABLY THE MOST PRIZED TEST WICKET AFTER RICKY PONTING, SIMILAR TO DON BRADMAN."

Drool, fool, burp

Alright! Here's how you blog about cricket, ladies:

Cheerleaders may attract more men to the IPL but who brings the girls in? Here are XI IPL hotties who get the ladies giggling and tossing their hair.

Now, while I'm not going to deny that a good looking sportsman will bring in the female viewers, it's quite an extraordinary sight to imagine ladies "giggling and tossing their hair" either at a player on the ground or at their television screen.

The article is some sort of strange combination of relevant insights into players and drooling over this theme team. It's right at times and just completely wrong at other times. Take, for example, the description of Dan Vettori:

Contrary to popular belief, us girls aren't fixated on men with rippling muscles and washboard abs. No, not if Dan walks into the room. His bespectacled look and slow, deliberate manner of speaking are guaranteed to make you go "aww" and wish you could take him home to Mum.

Half of that is right. The other half is just plain weird.

Not to mention AB making the cut. On looks alone, yeah alright, if you happen to look at the right time.

Brett Lee makes "pretty girls look like hags". Not sure what the intention of that was.

Dale Steyn is "blond". Not in my world.

And apparently Sangakkara the cricket makes the list. The list of men who make girls "giggle and toss their hair". Would you giggle and toss your hair for Sangakkara? I wouldn't. If anything, I'd ask him to play Twister. He looks like a Twister person.

If you were going to make a list like this, there were better options for it.

The article is something I'd expect to see in a women's mag or on Cricket Australia's website, not on Cricinfo.

Okay...

Tit for tat, fit for fat - CSK vs. Bangalore

What an interesting match for all of 10 overs. To be fair, it wasn't anywhere near as boring as the opening match, and in comparison, it was like the diamond standard of cricket. From the start, fellas:

The entire Bangalore team turns up to the toss to present the orange and purple caps for Most Runs in Competition and Most Wickets in Competition respectively. It's Dravid and Kumble, but as we find out later, Haydos must wrestle the orange cap off Dravid during the innings break, because he's sporting it later.

KP is nice enough to say 'The great Jacques Kallis is back." What rubbish. If you haven't already guessed this is what the title of this post is referring to: tit for tat, fit for fat. Because Jesse Ryder is actually fit.

Hayden put down first ball, goes on to make 60 odd. He's also dropped in the 10th over, but it's a far more difficult catch and out of everyone's range. Still, KP is murderously angry and he mutters a few things to himself, before putting on his "pleased captain" face and clapping encouragingly at the other players. At least the guy is trying.

Dale Steyn looked to be on ampethamines as usual. The trademark manic facial expression, frenzied walking, twitching, making weird faces at batsmen. The shortened prison inmate haircut.

Kallis is fittingly hit all around the ground, and goes for 20 in his first over. Hayden does most of the damage. Good man. Although, I have to say, Jacques Kallis was looking good out there, like sexy good. Haha, okay, I won't even joke about something as disturbing as that. My bad. Apologies.

Matty Hayden brings up his 3rd IPL 50, getting 53 off 22 deliveries. That's the fastest half-century for any CSK player ever.

The commentators have chats to Stephen Fleming and other players, asking them about the time out. It's hilarious to hear everyone dodging the truth and lying through their teeth about it. It has never been easier to hear the underlying thoughts behind someone's words before. They all think it's shit, but aren't at liberty to disclose this opinion. Frankly, it's a load of bullshit. I can deal with ads thrown in between overs, after wickets, after no balls even, because it's only disrupting my viewing of the game. But when advertising starts to intrude on the game itself, that's crossing the line.

We saw it again today with Chennai losing their momentum during the tactical time-out. I believe it was Tom Moody who said after Punjab's loss the other night that "We had seven and a half minutes to lose the momentum". That's the best anyone has ever put it. I'm going to burn an effigy of Lalit Modi because he's the figurehead of the IPL and therefore responsible for this outrage.

How good were the CSK cheerleaders? Not good, exactly, but more interesting than the others. They pwned the White Mischief Gals out there with their new moves. You could see them chatting away with each other trying to come up with some Bollywood-esque moves to match the music. Chennai Super Kings also had a drummer, who was there when Murali was presented with the MoM award.

After the time-out, Kevvy comes in and two wickets are gone in the next two balls. Bowled Parthiv Patel and Haydos run out next ball because of Suresh Raina. I wonder if KP will continue bowling to batsmen who aren't ready. Just a thought.

Cut to Ray Rennings who believes Bangalore can "confidently chase 180 or 190." My ass.

Dale Steyn drops Suresh Raina in an absolute sitter. He was actually doing a favour for his own team, because Raina continued to occupy the crease at a very ODI 28 off 29 balls. What the fuck does he think he's playing? Ryan Campbell went on and on about this during the ad breaks, as though he was the only person who didn't prefer Raina to perhaps Flintoff or Morkel. I do agree with it, but fuck, I'd love for Campbell to shut his trap.

Thank fuck Raina is out at the end of the 19th over, allowing Albie onto the field alongside Freddie. Albie hits the first ball for 4, great shot, and the next one is a definite 4 but it's saved by Robin Uthappa who is keeping. Dale Steyn is given a totally ridiculous wide call which pisses him off a little, and rightly so. But he has his revenge and bowls Albie on the last ball. 5 off 3. Imagine what he could have done with 29 balls. Fucking Raina.

179/5 after 20 overs. The highest T20 score ever at Sahara Park in Port Elizabeth.

Then Bangalore are on and there's the usual shindig of the entire team collapsing, save for the Wall.

Balaji feeds Jacques Kallis a couple of half volleys, which Kallis easily sends away for 4. What the fuck is wrong with Kallis? His strike rate is over 100.

Albie's on, and he pretends to appeal, even managing to conjure up fake indignation when the umpire calls wide. Good times. In his next over, he gets Jacques Kallis out lbw. Great. Someone needed to get the fat prick out. Kallis leaves with 24 off 19 balls, a miracle by his standards.

As with every match, there's a stupid glory shot of the IPL trophy. I bet nobody saw Lalit Modi humping it earlier on.

Then KP's out lbw off Murali. He's pissed. He thinks he got bat on it. Simon Taufel thinks not. It's okay, because KP will have his revenge later on, during the tactical time-out. KP tells Virat Kohli to hit the ball directly at Simon Taufel first ball of the 11th over. Kohli obliges his angry captain. Taufel is none the wiser as to who ordered the attack on him.

Dravid tries to put up a stand but runs out of partners and is eventually caught by Flintoff. Bangalore are bowled out for 87, losing by 92 runs. Shameful.

Presentation ceremony, KP calls Hayden a "genius". Wow.
Dhoni thinks "we definitely need to improve on our bowling". I'm not too sure about the "definitely". That's an odd thing to say after your bowlers have been brilliant.
Murali is MoM for his 3 wickets for 11. Okay, that's good. He thinks Haydos should have gotten it.
Hayden walks away with the orange cap he claimed off Dravid.

KP Watch:
Looking out for KP's hugging, I saw him hugging bowlers with one arm as he spoke to them. That's all for the night, however. He was tense the rest of the time.
I'm going to fess up here and say that I want KP to do well in this tournament. I don't know why, but I'm backing him as well now. So there you go. I never thought this day would come.

Ryan Campbell's expert advice of the night:
"He perhaps had a very good set of manboobies last year." -On Robin Uthappa, and yes, "manboobies"

Giving fashion advice to Dravid, outing his "light blue undershirt beneath red uniform" as a fashion no-no. This was a joint Wingard and Campbell discussion. They also gave a bad fashion rating to the purple and orange coloured caps.

"The doosra - the one that goes the other way - was fantastic."
Thanks for that explanation, Einstein.

"I got caught up in the glitz and glamour of Shuk Rah Khan."

Campbell thinks that Chennai should conspire during the tactical time-out to "run out Patel".

Ryan Campbell is "not too convinced with Patel, especially when they have Morkel and Flintoff down the order."
Now, I know Ryan rates Albie as one of his top 3 T20 batsmen, and is strangely enthusiastic about seeing him on the field, WHAT THE FUCK? Why the hell would you send Albie or Freddie in to open the batting? Christ.

Ad of the day:
Lazypatch duvet suit - walking around with a bodysuit which is essentially one giant blanket. Only you can't escape it because it's also a bodysuit.

"We are friends."

Steyn on KP's mood swings

Somehow, Dale Steyn has managed to provide some form of praise for Kevin Pietersen, but also slip in a comment about KP's "mood swings". He told Cricinfo

"He [Pietersen] leads from the front always. That is a great strength of his. I don't know him at all. I have played against him but I still don't know what kind of a man he is, what kind of mood swings he has, but it is going to be interesting and we are going to have to find our feet quickly."

Steyn obviously doesn't know that if you've played on the same team as Andre Nel, you've seen it all. It's funny that he's expecting KP to have mood swings, however.

Maybe he's just using the term incorrectly, and he doesn't mean mood swings at all.

OOPS, MOOD SWING.

Right about now, it seems to have actually hit home that KP is going to be captaining the Bangalore Royal Challengers. Should be amusing to watch the team SELF-DESTRUCT. At least, I hope they do under his captaincy.

Dale & Jacques worried about girlfriends

Until now, they've been the most famous people their girlfriends have ever met. But that's all about to change, because when the IPL comes to town, their girlfriends are going to be entertaining VIPs, including Bollywood stars.

I've already received quite a few hits for "how to kill shahrook khan" and "get shahrook away from sharmone" in the past hour. I'm thinking that's Jacques. As for Dale, he has a more passive way of expressing his concerns. This weekend, he's going out and wrestling a few crocodiles. Maybe even leaving a fake suicide note to remind Jeanne Kietzmann she'd better not leave him for some egotistic Bollywood actor.

KP's also going to turn up with his wife tomorrow. She's sick of dancing on ice and they want some alone time now.

SRK is eyeing them hungrily. Jacques is trying to lose weight fast.

Ricky Ponting Looking Stupid

That, and other photos from last night's blogathon.

Don't tell me he doesn't look stupid there.

It wasn't just Ricky Ponting, however. Even Albie had his turn at looking retarded:

He does, doesn't he? And I'm not just saying this because he got out on 3.

Luckily, ROFL was there to grace us with his Bulldog demeanour.

Dale Steyn picked up 4 wickets and even had a chat with Punter when he took his wicket:

People used to be respectful of Ponting. Now wannabe Crocodile Hunters just sledge him.

News articles seem to be floating around the idea that Dale Steyn was the bowler who had the greatest impact on the game. But we all know it was really ROFL. He's the only reason SA won so comfortably because he took those first few wickets when Australia were looking so good.

Australian Innings

Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.

The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.

The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.

Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.

Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.

Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.

PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.

Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.

Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.

Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.

Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.

Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.

Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.

Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.

ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.

Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.

Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.

Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.

Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.

The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.

Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.

Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.

If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.

Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.

Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.

Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.

Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.

THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.

Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.

Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?

Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.

ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.

Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?

Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...

FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.

Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.

Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.

The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.

JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.

I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.

Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.

Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.

Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.

Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.

Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.

ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.

Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.


That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.

Paul Harris & AB de Villiers: The Love Saga Hits a Bump

No, not a baby bump. AB's still a man, I'll have you know. This is a different kind of a bump. A Dale Steyn sized bump. While Paul isn't looking, AB's been sneaking in some loving cuddles with Dale, impressed by his manly abilities to wrestle crocodiles. In fact, AB and Steve Irwin once had a passionate fling on a secluded island in the Pacific Ocean, but that's an entirely different story...

For the moment, join me in calling out AB on his treachorous ways, and send Paul dozens of emails about the affair. AB and Paul Forever. With a capital 'f'.

Kind of like a trophy wife, only not.

It's okay Dale, you can tell us. What do you want to do to AB's mouth?

"AB, open your mouth wider. I love it when you look like carnival clown head. Tonight I'm throwing balls down it."

AB is trying to keep Dale to himself, but Dale's more interested in others...

Rough, but passionate. Just look at the way he clasps Dale's head.

"OMG YOU LIKE TATER TOTS TOO???"

"Dale, I love you and want to fornicate with you frequently." - Love, AB

First to the scene when it comes to congratulating Dale, that's AB for you.

AB's looking quite curvacious there. The hormone therapy is working.

if AB's already getting the oestrogen shots, where does Dale fit into this? More importantly, where does Paul fit into all of this? Stay tuned, I'll go to the ends of the world to find out the ending to this love story.

And for the photos, we have the lovely Q to thank. He has the most extensive AB/Dale/Paul photo collection in all of bloggerdom.

Mitchell Johnson and his goddamn respect

Why is this happening? Why can't I accept he might just be an all-rounder, and a good one at that? To those two questions, I have no answer. But what I do have is a traitorous comment by Mickey Arthur:

"We've got respect for Johnson down at eight, so they do theoretically bat down to eight."

What? What's that? You're not telling me the Aussie line-up is almost freaking invincible because they bat down to eight? If that isn't an imposing figure, then I don't know what is. Mickey's pep talks in the dressing room must be ridiculous:

"Hey, guys! Listen up, we're going to go out there and bat carefully, okay? You might not have heard but the Aussies have a strong batting order, they go right down to eight, so we've got to make our innings worth it, because even if we get 7 Aussies out, Mitchell Johnson might just come out and smash us for fifty! Dale, take 5 wickets, every time. It's not a big ask. I could do it. Everyone else, aim for one wicket. Especially you, Jacques. Getting old and fat isn't going to do you any favours. The moment I look at you and see myself, you're out of here. Right! So is that clear? Go out there and show 'em, boys."

You know what I'd rather Mickey had said about Mitch?

"What, Johnson, you mean Mitchell Johnson? A threat to our bowlers? *flippant laugh* Next question, please."

Not a goddamn pat on the back.
Maybe someday I'll like Mitch as an all-rounder. For the moment, I am inexplicably opposed to it. It's like Ishant Sharma deciding he'd like to become a great fielder, thanks. Out of his league. But apparently, for Johnson, completely within his limits.

Australia v SA - 2nd ODI

Far too funny. Australia get bowled out for a ridiculously low 131, which is just as funny as it sounds. On the SA side, Hashim Amla, Makhaya Ntini and Morne Morkel were out of the game. I almost feel sorry for Morne.

No, I don't.

On with the game: Wayne Parnell picked up 4/25 with Ponting, Clarke, Michael Hussey and Nathan Bracken's wickets. And the guy's 19. Shit, he's going to be insane in a few years. Parnell got better figures than Steyn, who nevertheless got 4/27, kicking off the onslaught by picking up Haddin's wicket in the first over. He got the Echidna's wicket when AB de Villiers did his usual crazy fielder thing and dived to take a great catch. I still don't trust him. I swear AB is a Jehovah's Witness. He passed by my house recently.

What else to say?
The Echidna scored a half century, and Mitchell Johnson was next best with 30. The rest are not worth mentioning at all. It's like someone crapped a bunch of 1's all over the place. Maybe it was Ferguson. Funnily enough, none of the Australians got out on a duck. So now they can say they each contributed equally to their shit score, barring the Echidna and Mitch.

Actually, that reminds me of something... Does this mean Mitchell Johnson is a definite all-rounder? I've been avoiding it until now, but there is just some part of me that is saying "Shit, no! Don't let that happen!" when everyone else seems to be jumping for joy. Maybe I'm afraid of the great heights he'll climb to, after only last year being a complete nobody. Seriously, you tell someone they're a successful all-rounder and suddenly they'll be hitting triple centuries and taking 10 wickets in the same match.

Maybe I should just support his efforts.
Nah, can't be bothered.

Johnson came out after his 30 and took Herschelle Gibbs' wicket when he was on 2. Since then, Graeme Smith is sitting on 25, and Jacques Kallis on 5. And it's still only lunch. South Africa should try to wrap up the match in 30 or so overs, just for kicks. Rub it in their faces, after that horrendous record-breaking defeat last time. It's not like it would be hard.

Looks like Albie will have absolutely nothing to do today.

Edit: I'm revising this. SA will get 132 in less than 25 overs at the rate they're going.

Ryder keeps going and going, Warner says "me too"

Jesse Ryder scored his second test century, alongside Ross Taylor scoring his third, on the first day of the Napier test match. In an extraordinary feat of discipline and long-awaited exercise, Ryder batted out more than seven hours to remain unbeaten on 137 at stumps. He and Taylor also broke a NZ fourth wicket batting record, but it's a NZ record, so that's not saying much.

Taylor said it was "good to get there" in regard to his century, but he wasn't going to take all credit for NZ's momentary success:

"A lot credit has to go to Jesse. I think he played outstandingly well and to still be there, after over six hours, he's been great."

"I'm not making a fat joke, I swear," Taylor insisted.

Notice how he sneakily tries to downgrade Ryder's achievement? "Six hours". We're onto Taylor. Kiwis can't be trusted, least of all their cricketers.

David Warner, one-time Aussie superstar, has been talking to the press as well. He's in the T20 squad for this week's matches, and is planning to "take it to them" - them being the SA bowlers, in particular Dale Steyn. Warner uses particularly colourful phrases when referring to how he plans to perform in the T20s against Steyn:

"You don't want to be on the back foot to them because if they are going to get on top of you, you're cooked. He is definitely one of the best bowlers I've faced. He has got me out a couple of times. I think I'm his bunny."

The only question that remains is what kind of bunny?

That is a more disturbing thought than I am willing and able to stomach.

Dale Steyn talks IPL

Quoted: "It will be interesting to see what can be achieved at such short notice. The reception was amazing last year. We were treated like rock stars everywhere we went."

Yes, Dale, but that was before KP was named the captain of the Royal Challengers. Who's willing to bet they'll be treated to more boos and insults everywhere they go? At this rate, the best reception Dale Steyn will be having is mobile phone reception. And even then, he'll have to pay his own bill. CSA won't be footing the bill for calls home to loved ones, because they'll be home.

Being a cricketer can be so hard.