The Real Wizard

Harry Potter is at the World T20 and not in the form of Daniel Vettori.

It is, of course, Daniel Radcliffe. Another Dan, another man. Or slightly post-pubescent boy.

Don't allow yourself to be tricked by his ways. The question is, is he really enjoying it? Or is his unfortunate facial structure preventing him from doing so?

This also gives England the handy excuse that the real reason they bowed out of the tournament was because an evil sorcerer had been magicking Stuart Broad's brain into mush and invading Colly's mind with unimaginative field placements.

The Perks of Being a Commentator

Anyone who knows what the title of this post is a reference to gets brownie points for being awesome.

I have often noticed that commentators, in all their retired glory, don't seem to find the actual commenting on cricket aspect of their job all that appealing, but rather, they prefer the more creative part. It lets them experiment, go wild, get their brains churning, etc.

I am, of course, referring to the nondescript commentary they provide on what is going on in the brains of the cricketers. You'd think half these men gave up their dream of being script writers from the marvellous and extensive thoughts they invent for the players. Thankfully, having retired from the game and secured a commentary position with a top notch broadcaster, they're free to pursue their long lost dreams in which they provide the voices for the puppets on the field.

In fact, they practically shit themselves when the captain walks up to his bowler and has a nice long chat with him. "Brilliant!" the commentators exclaim. "What might they be saying? Ah, I know..." At which point he proceeds to describe in painfully boring detail what the on-field conversation is. Sometimes they come up with thoughts/dialogue for the players that are outlandishly far-fetched, turning a slightly grim expression into an "OH NOEZ!!!!1!!! WE R FCUKED!!!" But it's all part of the job, really. Having unnecessarily translated a facial expression or conversation for audiences around the world, the men at the helm smile to themselves contently. The world is a better place with everyone knowing just what you think is going on in Chris Gayle's head.

Sometimes, I listen to their imaginings of conversations and I think, if they're going to offer something up, why not make it wonderfully interesting? Why not tell listeners that the reason Vettori is looking so unhappy out there is because he's cheating on his wife with Baz? If I were offered the opportunity to deliver such truths to listeners, I wouldn't stop at anything. I would exercise creative license to turn a word of congratulations between players on opposing teams into reason for calling them out on match-fixing or batting for the wrong side, and literally this time.

Unfortunately, all we have is a bunch of smug old men inventing a completely unfunny line of dialogue for Sehwag and then chuckling at their own cleverness. The power of commentating, if it rested in other hands, could be put to better use.

South Africa set a record

Most consecutive T20 International wins ever. But wait, was anyone actually surprised they won against the West Indies? On rolls the South African juggernaut as they flatten teams on their way to the finals.

Despite Chris Gayle's valiant attempts to distract them with some ultra-cool sunnies, the saffas did not budge. They've had good practice at this, especially after Stuart Broad's attempts to deliberately distract the South African batsmen. Also because once their eyes lock onto the missile, also known as the ball, they do not take their eyes off it, not even to look at Broad's delicate hands.

You know what's creepy? As I check Cricinfo for Kallis' bowling figures because they're pretty fucking funny, I see they have also spoken of the "South African juggernaut rolling on. I don't write for them, just in case you were wondering. My singular brain is on par with their collective brains, however. Jacques' figures are 2-0-23-0 by the way. Hahahaha, that's far too good. Fingers crossed he'll stop playing T20s.

I won't mention Albie's figures because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. You want fairness? Go somewhere else. He was brilliant, just brilliant. A wicket on a no ball which is better than no wicket at all, and a small error involving a wide which ended up costing 5 runs. BRILLIANT.

Wayne Parnell had to do even more this match to finally get the MoM award. 4/13 is the result of his mastering the art of bowling yorkers and actually bowling at the stumps. With all the creative shit bowlers are trying to come up with, it seems everyone forgot that simply bowling at the stumps and waiting for a wicket is remarkably successful.

Lendl Simmons is the only batsman on the West Indies side who should be walking away from this match with a smile on his face, although he might not be smiling because they still lost despite his 77. Seriously, the things some people have to put up with...

And now I come to Albie. You were waiting for it all along, I know. That 10 off 8, especially after the perfect opportunity presented itself when die AB got ahead of himself and got out on 17. After being promoted up the order to actually come in before the 16th over. That was amazing, that last bit. Everything was set in place for Albie to kill someone, preferably with his bat. He didn't, but the very clever Jerome Taylor was behind it. The smart bastard bowled a few bouncers and then nailed Albie with a great yorker. Even Albie appreciated that one. Super Shades Gayle had instructed Taylor to go about targeting Albie with bouncers and this is CLEARLY him going after the most dangerous batsman on the side. I mean, obviously. For this reason, Albie's dismissal was alright. He felt the respect as he walked off that field.

I think Nasser Hussain wants to marry die AB, just like every other commentator out there.

And in the current match, New Zealand are killing me. Dan the Man is playing but... they're killing me. They really are.

England's women fare well

Amidst all this talk of Australia's pathetic performances and the chance that two minnows may make it into the Super Eights stage, there is the point to note that there is an English side that stands a chance of winning this tournament, and it's their women's side.

The boys could learn a lot from their women who cleaned up the Kiwis in a practice match. Knowing the men's team, a warm-up against New Zealand would have met exactly the opposite result. I do believe Amy S. the cricketer played for New Zealand. Nice. I don't know why, but I inevitably end up supporting New Zealand in cricket matches. It just happens, I have no control over it. Maybe I do like the poor fellows across the sea.

In tonight's matches (or today's, depending on where you are) it's South Africa against NZ, and the Netherlands against Pakistan. Bit of a no-brainer, seeing as I've just said the thing about my inability to go against New Zealand. The Kiwis over SA, and the Dutchmen over Pakistan. The first of these because I couldn't stand die AB doing his usual shit again, and then overdoing the humility afterwards. Also because I need Dan the Man to play today and unleash the power of his spectacles on die AB. I'm all in favour of Albie topscoring for the saffas, though. Really, it's the only outcome I'm in favour of.

As for the Netherlands over Pakistan, imagine the Super Eights being comprised of A QUARTER minnows and three quarters usual teams. That's almost unheard of. Also because their uniform is orange and no other country would have the balls to do that. I mean, look at them. So many variations of green and blue it's not funny. That's why the orange trumps all, even if they only chose it because all the other colours were taken.

I'm trying to imagine just how stupid Ricky Ponting feels, but I cannot seem to accurately imagine the magnitude of it.

Vettori Blues

There's concern as to whether Dan Vettori will be fit in time for the match against South Africa tomorrow. He missed the Scotland one and New Zealand pulled through, but they're going to need him for this upcoming match if they stand any chance of going further.

Why oh why did he have to fall on his shoulder during practice? That just creates a whole lot of drama I don't like at all.

The thing is, New Zealand need Dan fit by Tuesday. And so do I. Because I just really need him to take die AB's wicket.

The Future Of Switch-Hitting And Umpire Referrals

Is in the hands of the ICC committee. Over two days, they're going to delve into the nitty gritty of cricket and come out with the answers to some all-important questions, including the meaning of life, which is 42 if you don't already know.

The umpire referral system seems to be the main focus but they will also discuss the possibility of imposing a maximum weight for bats, day-night Tests and switch-hitting. The last time KP tried this, he got out. It was glorious. After the first few times he tried it, back in the days, he told Nasser Hussain he'd been practising the shot for ages before he'd actually tried it in an actual game, that there was a "method to my madness." Not against Daniel Vettori, unfortunately. Someone needs to mail him a tape of that delivery, it was the highlight of the game.

Some of the questions the committee will be considering:

- Was the number of overall incorrect umpiring decisions reduced?
- Was there an undue negative influence on the pace of the game?
- Was it fair to ask the players to request a referral?
- What was the effect on the umpires and was the authority of the on-field officials unduly compromised?

Yes, yes, maybe and yes.

Even some of the yes answers don't have positive effects on the game. There is a way to involve technology in this game, and I believe it rests in the players not protesting every out decision and doubting the judgement of umpires. Instead, the use of perhaps more communication between the third umpire and the on-field umpires would be a better option.

We'll see. Meanwhile, KP is busy perfecting that switch-hit of his. But there's one person in the world who could play it better than he does.

"Me. BOO!"

Mumbai vs. Delhi

The question is not who will win, it's who do I want to win? Do I go with Mumbai, the relatively nice team (because I cannot put it any other way), chock full of performers who haven't exactly performed lately but who could easily do so.

Or do I go with the very literal powerhouse Delhi? They're undoubtedly an extremely strong team and every aspect of their play holds up, including their fielding although I won't mention why.

It's a tough decision. On the one hand, MI has good players who are mostly classy and not so arrogant. But Delhi has grit and passion, and spectacular shows of both bat and ball. Thinking tactically, it would be better if MI won, because that would mean Delhi could stay away from top spot a little longer. It's quite disconcerting having them up there. But really, I did once consider whether DD should be my secondary team, and I think that if we want some bloody good entertainment, it's Delhi we should go for.

Mumbai have Tendulkar, Jayasuriya, Duminy, Harbhajan, Malinga, and a good half dozen more. Most of those names aren't associated with explosions.

Delhi have Sehwag, Gambhir, AB de Villiers, Dilshan, Dirk, and hopefully Dan the Man over David Warner, although I do love the latter. Not to mention McGrath on the sidelines. Most of those names are associated with explosions. That's what we want to see in T20. Explosions of any kind, barring brain explosions, which I despise from the bottom of my heart.

So after all this, which team is it? Seeing as I'm not exactly affiliated with any IPL team through geographical location, it really is a matter of wanting certain players (and therefore their teams) to go through, as I'm sure anyone outside of India can vouch for. I mean, I'm not from Chennai, but they have a few players I'd like to see in the finals, so that's how it goes.

Meanwhile, when I weigh up the players in Mumbai against Delhi, there's no doubt about it, Delhi wins. What to do? What to do? My head says no, but my desire to watch some great players shine says yes.

Delhi it is, then. But I won't be too shattered if Mumbai win. That would be a better result anyway.

AB takes Delhi to watch rugby

Apparently he thinks they'll be interested.

"We didn't do much off the field in Durban so now that we're in my home town on Saturday, I'm taking them to the big one, Loftus Versveld, for the Bulls' Super 14 match against the Western Force. We'll see how that goes!"

Probably went terribly. Gambhir wandered off and tried to prove his manhood once more with a couple of hot 40 year olds, Dilshan found himself converting to Rastafarianism, Sangwan burst into tears when everyone kept calling him "someone", Yo Mahesh rediscovered himself as a hip hop artist, Colly shaved his hair off and tried to smash Dan's glasses, Warner went around collecting volunteers who were willing to let him on for a stint at fielding, and Dirk... well, you don't even want to know what happened with Dirk.

Owais Shah didn't even go. He cried himself to sleep in his hotel room after receiving a call from the ECB.

Rajasthan looking mighty again

On a day when everyone was making tasteless jokes about the swine flu, and swines were running in terror from butchers, the real swines came out and showed us how it's done. After an achievable 143 from Delhi, including AB doing his usual thing of being effortlessly good in every situation and hitting a 50, Graeme Smith oinked his way to 44 from 46 balls.

Everyone collapsed around him, save for King Kong, who came out to join his curly-tailed pink friend. The contrast was massive. Graeme was really feeling the fat getting in the way, as he waddled slowly to get to his slow 44 in true swine style. King Kong, meanwhile, was more interested in punishing Delhi's bowlers. Punish, punish, punish, with a 62 off 30 balls. What's that, Pathan would say, are you bowling a doosra? I saw that. And to punish you, I'm sending that away for a 6. Bang, down gave the gavel, the judge had made his decision.

If you want some real stats, you'll be interested to know King Kong hit 1 in every 5 balls for a six. What's that? FUCKING AWESOME? I agree. It was getting so bad for Graeme down the other end, he had to have a little chat with King about the importance of playing slowly and not trying to steal the limelight, playing for the team not for your own glory, etc.

"Now now, Yusuf, no need to be reckless. I'm the more senior player here, I think you should slow down and save face for me. Me being the team."

King Kong didn't listen. Who's the swine now? he cackled, as he sent another one over the boundary rope and drove Daniel Vettori to tears.

It wasn't Dan's day with the ball, unfortunately. But he had a cracker of a day with the bat. 29 off 28, matching AB every step of the partnership. That was the best part of it. Showing AB he wasn't the only one with magic powers, although Dan's are more of the Avada Kedavra kind. During his stint at the crease, Dan was angry. Argh angry, and not like a pirate, but like a dog that's just been shot up the ass.

"ARGH! FURY! I'M MAKING A SPECTACLE WITH MY SPECTACLES."

Very punny, Dan. Don't you agree?

Ultimately, King Kong rules the night, although Munaf Patel did some extremely good stuff in his 4 overs which only went for 14. He even picked up 2 wickets, including our favourite Kiwi skipper's. Sehwag and Gambhir were out of it the whole time, and they have been this entire tournament. A hard night partying with the ladies and drinking contests with Jesse Ryder are to blame this time, but last time, their failure can be accounted to wanting to get off the field fast after an overdose of Viagra to impress the cheerleaders. Needless to say, the cheerleaders weren't impressed with Gambhir, and had to pretend to be interested in Sehwag, before booting them both onto the field for a bat. Failures.

AB was disappointed with his performance. Only 1 six. Disgusting. 50 off 40 balls? Equally as disgusting. He was destined for a century if the umpires hadn't been such massive gits, and if Warnie hadn't appealed. So when Warnie himself was gotten out for a duck in the Royals' innings, AB had a little laugh and smirked to the leggie's face. Take that, Warne. AB had his revenge. He also ensured his captain didn't get many away so AB could remain the top scoring saffa in the match. It's the little things in life which please AB.

See that expression on AB's face? I do. He can't hide his secret glee.

KP's Switch Hitting

Well, it got him out.

How appropriate.

I'm sorry, but you don't try to switch hit against Dan. It's just wrong.

Oh well, the 37 that did come were pretty.

Drool, fool, burp

Alright! Here's how you blog about cricket, ladies:

Cheerleaders may attract more men to the IPL but who brings the girls in? Here are XI IPL hotties who get the ladies giggling and tossing their hair.

Now, while I'm not going to deny that a good looking sportsman will bring in the female viewers, it's quite an extraordinary sight to imagine ladies "giggling and tossing their hair" either at a player on the ground or at their television screen.

The article is some sort of strange combination of relevant insights into players and drooling over this theme team. It's right at times and just completely wrong at other times. Take, for example, the description of Dan Vettori:

Contrary to popular belief, us girls aren't fixated on men with rippling muscles and washboard abs. No, not if Dan walks into the room. His bespectacled look and slow, deliberate manner of speaking are guaranteed to make you go "aww" and wish you could take him home to Mum.

Half of that is right. The other half is just plain weird.

Not to mention AB making the cut. On looks alone, yeah alright, if you happen to look at the right time.

Brett Lee makes "pretty girls look like hags". Not sure what the intention of that was.

Dale Steyn is "blond". Not in my world.

And apparently Sangakkara the cricket makes the list. The list of men who make girls "giggle and toss their hair". Would you giggle and toss your hair for Sangakkara? I wouldn't. If anything, I'd ask him to play Twister. He looks like a Twister person.

If you were going to make a list like this, there were better options for it.

The article is something I'd expect to see in a women's mag or on Cricket Australia's website, not on Cricinfo.

Okay...

Weird Al ahead of Delhi match

Clever pun there, I have to say. Albie is being a little weird about secrets and what to disclose about his SA compatriots to Chennai team mates in this year's IPL:

"We've been given specific instructions by our boards not to reveal all our secrets, especially with the World Twenty20 coming up in a couple of months' time."

Okay, I get that. But then he starts spouting vague phrases which make my head spin:

"It's not that we don't talk, but we don't reveal all our strategies. That is as per instructions from our boards. We cannot show off all our secret weapons and there's not much we can do about it. It's true not just for me, but for the others as well."

WHAT SECRET WEAPONS? I think I'm missing out on something infinitely awesome here. Do South Africa have an arsenal of WMDs ready to be unleashed on other teams for the World Cup? Have they been feeding Duminy radioactive slime in order to power him up even more? Has Graeme Smith invented a batting shot which will blow everyone's minds away? Is Sybrand coming into the team to show off his ambidextrous fielding abilities?

I really want to know.

I bet AB's been telling Delhi all about Albie's weaknesses. Dan in particular. HI ALBIE IS BETTER AGAINST FAST BOWLERS OKAY? But little does he know that Albie is also excellent against spinners. Just not as excellent. Which is the point. Damn.

What is AB's weakness? Players saying the Lord's name in vain? That must piss him off.

Or is Graeme his weakness?

Rain rain go away

Hopefully it doesn't come back another day. The 3rd and 4th mtches of the IPL were affected quite drastically by the rain at Cape Town, with the Kings XI vs. Delhi match being shortened to just 18 overs in total.

The results: Delhi Daredevils won against Kings XI, despite some excellent performances by Karan Goel and Ravi Bopara up the order for Punjab. But the organisers decided to go with the stupid tactical time-out after 6 overs of play, and when they came back, all was not well for Kings XI.

You could argue that Goel had gotten out on the last ball of the over before the break, and that Delhi were going to bring on Dan Vettori anyway, but I do feel that 7 and a half minute break had something to do with Punjab's collapse. Ravi Bopara was out lbw first ball of Dan's over, who went on to pick up 3 wickets for 15. Impressive stuff from the Kiwi, which we all expected.

Yuvraj had a hard knock with a couple of sixes before being run out and eyeing Jayawardene quite frostily down at the other end. After that, Punjab were doomed, but they still set up over 100 runs. Delhi came in and Gambhir and Sehwag went lukewarm nuts, whatever that means. Rain stopped play soon after, and when Delhi came back on, they needed 30 to win from 25 balls. Easy. Delhi won. AB didn't get to bat. Heh.

Then there was Kolkata vs. Deccan Chargers. The latter won, surprisingly. But it was a good performance, and the Chargers won impressively by 8 wickets.
Rohit Sharma was smoking.
Herschelle Gibbs is in form, which automatically means he's on fire.
RP Singh was burning, picking up 4 wickets on the night.
Fidel Edwards - you saw it, need I say more?

But that run out from Sharma was one to watch. A direct hit from extra cover had Ajit Agarkar sobbing off the field. Brilliant. He also had an excellent catch, taking Moises Henriques, again at extra cover.

I guess Ganguly had his revenge. Brendon's first match did not go well.

Dan Vettori dreams big

While South Africa and Australia battle it out for top spot in the world rankings, Dan has an entirely different goal on his mind:

"If we could get up to fourth or five over the next 24 months that would be very pleasing."

Sad thing is, that would actually be an impressive achievement. But what I'm waiting for is for NZ to unveil their evilness and take over the world by force. That would mean they'd artificially construct the rankings. Below is an email Dan sent me showing his dream rankings:

1. New Zealand

2. Zimbabwe

3. Bangladesh

4. England

5. West Indies

6. Pakistan

7. Sri Lanka

8. India

9. South Africa

10. Australia

But in the end, Dan is still a sad fellow, because he lost, and India won.

"Fuuuuuck you, India."

Delhi Daredevils the "most balanced team"

I have been neglecting these fellows. But all you need to do to grab my interest is say something that sounds exaggerated in the slightest and I will be running as fast as my legs can allow to see what's going on.

TA Sekar, the DDD Manager, has said:

"Delhi Daredevils walk into the IPL with probably the most balanced combination."

This piqued my interest. Have I been lording over the other IPL teams with my support for Chennai? The answer is actually no. I am supporting the side that has an incredibly good chance of winning, but maybe I should second another team. Have an underdog side I'm supporting. Last year it was Kings XI Punjab, but they're looking shaky this year and besides, I'm just not in the mood to support them.

But Delhi. That's an interesting proposition.
They have Sehwag and Gambhir as openers. You can't fight with that, it's like the power couple of Indian openers.
Dilshan Tillakaratne. He did well last year.
AB de Villiers. Might convert Dilshan to Christianity.
Daniel Vettori. His glasses alone have the power to rock Sreesanth off his crazy horse.
Glenn McGrath, and he's said he'll be able to concentrate better on this year's IPL anyway.

And then there's the new players. The Delhi Daredevils picked up:
David Warner.
Dirk Nannes.
Those last two names are icing on the cake for T20.
And Andrew McDonald. I only mention this name because I reckon he'll be shit. His hair will attract cricket balls and tempt batsmen to thump balls at his head. However, I stand to be corrected if McDonald does turn out to do well.
They also secured Paul Collingwood and Owais Shah.

That's a pretty strong team.

India bites back - barely

After a terrifying 190 for 5 at tea, India fought back to end the day at 375 for 9. It's not brilliant, because we've yet to see what happens next, but it's a definite improvement. A much needed one. Highlights of the day were Tendulkar hitting 62, a 48 (off 51 balls) for Sehwag, Iain O'Brien's crucial wicket in his second over, and India's slightly hilarious mini-collapse after lunch, losing 3 wickets in the space of 17 runs. You gotta love Test cricket, especially with the prospect of another exciting 4 days on the calendar. Whoever said Test cricket would die out with the advent of T20 was sadly mistaken.

Dan Vettori made the decision to bowl first, and although Sehwag and Gambhir's antics at first made it seem as though this was a bad idea, it paid off in the middle session, before things began looking a little wayward towards the end again.

Tomorrow's another day of cricket. Excellent.

New Zealand on top

Of who, you say? Of India. The Kiwis declared at 619/9 on the second day of the Napier test. Among their significant achievers:

• Jesse Ryder, scoring his maiden double century, but then getting out on the very next ball, trying to hit a wide ball. Such is life. And notice how he no longer gets posts devoted entirely to him? It means I am making progress in the department of treating him like any other NZer.
• Brendon McCullum had a good day too, not out on 103 when NZ declared.
• James Franklin, who was run out on 52.
• Dan Vettori hit 43, and bizarrely decided to declare without hitting 7 more runs.

Jesse Ryder's 201 is the 3rd highest individual score a Kiwi has achieved against India. Graham Dowling rounds out the best with a 238 in 1968, and Bert Sutcliffe comes next with 230 n.o. in a 1955 match.

Quite an achievement.