Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

Sledging Siddle

Cricinfo have a piece up in which we're treated to the creativity of South African fans in their taunting of Siddle. I hope you're expecting something great, because it sure is:

"Siddle's a wanker" became a popular chant among the South African fans during this year's series.

There you go. Bloody hell, if I were a saffa, I'd be pretty freaking embarrassed by those efforts. It might even be worse than Aussie fans and the Glenn McGrath song, although that was slightly awesome, I'll admit.

But "Siddle's a wanker" is bereft of any real knife-plunging qualities, not that fans are usually capable of coming up with anything good anyway. However, there have been a few good sledges from crowds in past years. If I were Sidds, I would laugh in the faces of these saffas.

In Andrew McDonald news, he tells us he isn't motivated by Bob Willis' Ronald McDonald comparisons in the papers. Gee, I wonder why.

I also can't help noticing that a certain fake person has begun blogging again. While I don't particularly have any real interest in it at all, I just thought I'd link to an interview with the Fake IPL Player which I believed to be fake itself. As it turns out, the interview is actually real. Yeah. I know. He's struggling to come to terms with being old news, the poor thing.

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

You can keep McDonald

Now that the Delhi Daredevils have qualified for the Champions League, there's a bit of the old tug o' war going on as the relevant IPL franchises are likely to contract their international players at the snap of their fingers (after compensating the player's original team, of course). And with Delhi fielding quite a few influential Aussie players, things are looking slightly more bleak for domestic teams or whatnot.

The most headline-worthy story in the last day has been the likelihood that the Speedblitzing David Warner will be secured by Delhi, leaving a spot open in the Blues' side. And so NSW will consider making an offer to Otago for good old Brendon McCullum, or Baz, as you hip young folks like to call him.

That just opens up a whole new lot of problems.

But if we get back to the roots of this, being the automatic "ownership" of international players by their IPL franchise should it qualify for the tournament, it's not just David Warner the Australians should be worried about. Dirk Nannes will likely be drafted in by Delhi, and I do wonder whether he'll be able to conjure up regret at having to play against the Bushrangers seeing as the Aussies don't seem all that keen to have him in their ranks.

Dirk is the other big fish apart from Warner, but there's also Nathan Bracken, Cameron White, and... dare I say it? Andrew McDonald. While I don't think Bracken or White will be called upon all too soon, I'm even less convinced Delhi will be parting with their money to secure McDonald. As suggested by the title of this post, I'm sure they'd be all too willing to let Victoria keep McDonald.

"...You can have him."

The Real McDonald

Oh yeah, that's right. From The Corridor, a most amusing and accurate take of our fine fellow. You know, the allrounder who's better than Andrew Symonds. Bob Willis from The Sun wields his photoshopping skills:


At some point, people will tire of that joke. Not yet.

Ashes Squad

What do I say about Ronald? So there he was, gorging himself on Happy Meal after Happy Meal, waiting by the phone to be told he wasn't in the squad, and that Andrew Symonds would be the lucky man.

But then he reached for the toy in his Happy Meal (several of them, in fact) and found a plastic four-leaf clover instead. It was Irish week at McDonald's and today Andrew McDonald would be the luckiest man alive in Australia.

The squad: Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Stuart Clark, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Graham Manou, Andrew McDonald, Marcus North, Peter Siddle, Shane Watson.

Most of those are expected, because as I said earlier, it was only the allrounders we were particularly concerned about. The battle for those two spots was narrowed down from three to, well... two.

And in the midst of it all, McDonald's performances "speak for themselves". He outplayed Andrew Symonds for this spot, will you look at that.

That's not to say he'll be in the starting XI. In fact, I don't even think he'll be in the starting XI. Johnson, Siddle, Hauritz and Clark seems about right, with neither Watson nor McDonald making it into the side. Even then, Australia still have Hilfy in their reserves, not to mention Brett Lee, who's hoping he'll be opening the bowling for the first match. A bit hit or miss, in my books.

Altogether, it's an expected side. Symonds will likely be wondering how someone like McDonald could vie for the same spot as him, and then go on to actually make it. Shane Watson, meanwhile, has been included in the squad alongside a grain of salt. He's only in if he's fit, and they'll be watching his injury pretty carefully.

Katich is going to be on the hunt for glory, after a few misfires in previous Ashes series. He is man, hear him roar.

Apparently there's 50 days to go, if you hadn't already noticed.

Don't trust Ronald

If he gets picked for the Ashes squad, it's officially the end of Australian cricket.

Anyway, onto more pressing news:

"But, for me, Jacques Kallis is the top of the tree. You look at his consistency and his output over a long period of time, and I think that's what every allrounder wants to be. He is a fantastic talent, and he is a consistent contributor."

His consistency is due largely to the fact that the fat fuck doesn't leave the crease and rather unflappably spends hours there, working tirelessly for his team's cause. Remember Kallis' website? I do.

Well, at least you know what kind of a player Andrew McDonald wants to be. He probably thinks he's well on the way to greatness, with a role model like that.

If every all-rounder wanted to be like Jacques Kallis, would anyone still watch cricket?

"...Yes."

We Are One

But we are many, and from all the states in Australia we come.

I am talking of the Australian cricketers to get a central contract, of course. And I am also breaking into song to express my condolences that in the space of a year, suddenly spinning is dead in Australia.

Of a list of 25, there is 1 specialist spinner. One. Think of the most insignificant, most NOTHING spinner to head our pathetic spinning attack (not that they want attacking spinners of course, they "go for too many runs". Spinners are just for containing now, sorry you wicket takers) and you may get Nathan Hauritz.

He is it, and that is it. Fuck off, says Cricket Australia. You learn to spin and we'll give you money, that's how it works.

We have better wicketkeepers than spinners, that's how bad it's become. Although not as bad as actually picking Andrew McDonald. When will CA learn? What does anyone see in him? Absolutely nothing worthwhile, he's just got a couple of half-baked skills. I guess that makes him a half-baked potato. Thank god he isn't one of the Blues or I'd have spent the past few years hanging my head in shame.

2009-10 contract holders: Doug Bollinger (NSW), Nathan Bracken (NSW), Stuart Clark (NSW), Michael Clarke (NSW), Callum Ferguson (SA), Brad Haddin (NSW), Nathan Hauritz (NSW), Ben Hilfenhaus (Tas), Brad Hodge (Vic), James Hopes (Qld), Phillip Hughes (NSW), David Hussey (Vic), Michael Hussey (WA), Mitchell Johnson (WA), Simon Katich (NSW), Brett Lee (NSW), Graham Manou (SA), Shaun Marsh (WA), Andrew McDonald (Vic), Marcus North (WA), Ricky Ponting (Tas), Peter Siddle (Vic), Andrew Symonds (Qld), Shane Watson (NSW), Cameron White (Vic).

Shaun Tait isn't on it. Now's a good time for him to come out and announce he only ever liked T20 anyway: "It's a better decision for me. I'm actually glad they made that decision, so no hard feelings there. Heh...heh..."

And, well, Callum Ferguson is on the list, as is Siddle, North, and all-time winner Hughes. Graham Manou is boosting the rock solid position the invincible Brad Haddin occupies. Well fuck me. Phil Jaques and Beau Casson don't make the cut. Here we go.

Adam Voges, meanwhile, has just pissed off the selectors.

Spotto

Courtesy of Q, Spotted: An on-field encounter between Australian players which raises a few eyebrows.Poor Andrew McDonald. He just wants to join in but those other bastards won't let him. He thinks it has something to do with the colour of his hair.

Delhi Daredevils the "most balanced team"

I have been neglecting these fellows. But all you need to do to grab my interest is say something that sounds exaggerated in the slightest and I will be running as fast as my legs can allow to see what's going on.

TA Sekar, the DDD Manager, has said:

"Delhi Daredevils walk into the IPL with probably the most balanced combination."

This piqued my interest. Have I been lording over the other IPL teams with my support for Chennai? The answer is actually no. I am supporting the side that has an incredibly good chance of winning, but maybe I should second another team. Have an underdog side I'm supporting. Last year it was Kings XI Punjab, but they're looking shaky this year and besides, I'm just not in the mood to support them.

But Delhi. That's an interesting proposition.
They have Sehwag and Gambhir as openers. You can't fight with that, it's like the power couple of Indian openers.
Dilshan Tillakaratne. He did well last year.
AB de Villiers. Might convert Dilshan to Christianity.
Daniel Vettori. His glasses alone have the power to rock Sreesanth off his crazy horse.
Glenn McGrath, and he's said he'll be able to concentrate better on this year's IPL anyway.

And then there's the new players. The Delhi Daredevils picked up:
David Warner.
Dirk Nannes.
Those last two names are icing on the cake for T20.
And Andrew McDonald. I only mention this name because I reckon he'll be shit. His hair will attract cricket balls and tempt batsmen to thump balls at his head. However, I stand to be corrected if McDonald does turn out to do well.
They also secured Paul Collingwood and Owais Shah.

That's a pretty strong team.

Prince's Protected Species Mix-up

About a week ago, Ashwell Prince was reported to have been involved in a sledging match with AB de Villiers and Harris the Monster during a domestic game. Now, Amy S. loves sledging as much as anyone else (or anyone Australian, actually) but something struck her as odd about Prince's claim that AB was a "protected species". Sure, white South Africans were once protected species, but this wasn't what he seemed to be talking about.

So I did a little investigating, and made a shocking discovery which could change the face of cricketer names as we know it. Due to his highly disorientated state after accidently hitting 158 in the match, Prince made the simple mistake of confusing AB's identity with another up-and-coming and utterly-shit-for-test-matches player known by AB McDonald.

AB de Villiers; AB McDonald

One's a protected species, one isn't.

One's a blonde, one's a ranga.

Who's the protected species now?

"Why hello there, I notice your hair is a highly inappropriate colour."

Nobody blames Ashwell for the mix-up. He's too upset nobody wants him in the IPL. But in order to prevent this mistake from occurring again, I propose AB de Villiers change his name to ABC de Villiers. It's for the best.