Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

Ashes Squad

What do I say about Ronald? So there he was, gorging himself on Happy Meal after Happy Meal, waiting by the phone to be told he wasn't in the squad, and that Andrew Symonds would be the lucky man.

But then he reached for the toy in his Happy Meal (several of them, in fact) and found a plastic four-leaf clover instead. It was Irish week at McDonald's and today Andrew McDonald would be the luckiest man alive in Australia.

The squad: Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Stuart Clark, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Graham Manou, Andrew McDonald, Marcus North, Peter Siddle, Shane Watson.

Most of those are expected, because as I said earlier, it was only the allrounders we were particularly concerned about. The battle for those two spots was narrowed down from three to, well... two.

And in the midst of it all, McDonald's performances "speak for themselves". He outplayed Andrew Symonds for this spot, will you look at that.

That's not to say he'll be in the starting XI. In fact, I don't even think he'll be in the starting XI. Johnson, Siddle, Hauritz and Clark seems about right, with neither Watson nor McDonald making it into the side. Even then, Australia still have Hilfy in their reserves, not to mention Brett Lee, who's hoping he'll be opening the bowling for the first match. A bit hit or miss, in my books.

Altogether, it's an expected side. Symonds will likely be wondering how someone like McDonald could vie for the same spot as him, and then go on to actually make it. Shane Watson, meanwhile, has been included in the squad alongside a grain of salt. He's only in if he's fit, and they'll be watching his injury pretty carefully.

Katich is going to be on the hunt for glory, after a few misfires in previous Ashes series. He is man, hear him roar.

Apparently there's 50 days to go, if you hadn't already noticed.

Oh, the drama

The Ashes squad is to be announced tomorrow. The players are going to be dutifully waiting for the phone call which will determine the outcome of their life. Really, truly. It's that important if you're keen to blow it out of proportion as I often do.

It's mostly only the allrounder spots that are in contention, the rest seems pretty clear cut. Or at least, enough to make a likely decision about which players should be named in the touring squad. Personally, I think that Andrew Symonds might not make the cut this time, but if I were picking the team, I'd probably have him in the mix because he has proven in the past he can be an influential player.

Our spin bowling is still looking weak, and it will remain weak for the entire series. And this is while we're hearing news that the English are probably going to be preparing wickets with enough turn in them to sufficiently assist spinners. Oh dear. I don't particularly fear for our pace bowlng attack, but when it comes to spin, you could hardly call it an "attack", could you? It's more like a one-person tobogganer trying to make their way down a steep mountain.

Apparently our openers have been getting chummy lately. It's good to hear Katich can be friendly with someone on the team, although I think it does help that Hughes is not a pansy like dear old Pup. He smokes in the outfield, you know. Clarke would never do that.

We Are One

But we are many, and from all the states in Australia we come.

I am talking of the Australian cricketers to get a central contract, of course. And I am also breaking into song to express my condolences that in the space of a year, suddenly spinning is dead in Australia.

Of a list of 25, there is 1 specialist spinner. One. Think of the most insignificant, most NOTHING spinner to head our pathetic spinning attack (not that they want attacking spinners of course, they "go for too many runs". Spinners are just for containing now, sorry you wicket takers) and you may get Nathan Hauritz.

He is it, and that is it. Fuck off, says Cricket Australia. You learn to spin and we'll give you money, that's how it works.

We have better wicketkeepers than spinners, that's how bad it's become. Although not as bad as actually picking Andrew McDonald. When will CA learn? What does anyone see in him? Absolutely nothing worthwhile, he's just got a couple of half-baked skills. I guess that makes him a half-baked potato. Thank god he isn't one of the Blues or I'd have spent the past few years hanging my head in shame.

2009-10 contract holders: Doug Bollinger (NSW), Nathan Bracken (NSW), Stuart Clark (NSW), Michael Clarke (NSW), Callum Ferguson (SA), Brad Haddin (NSW), Nathan Hauritz (NSW), Ben Hilfenhaus (Tas), Brad Hodge (Vic), James Hopes (Qld), Phillip Hughes (NSW), David Hussey (Vic), Michael Hussey (WA), Mitchell Johnson (WA), Simon Katich (NSW), Brett Lee (NSW), Graham Manou (SA), Shaun Marsh (WA), Andrew McDonald (Vic), Marcus North (WA), Ricky Ponting (Tas), Peter Siddle (Vic), Andrew Symonds (Qld), Shane Watson (NSW), Cameron White (Vic).

Shaun Tait isn't on it. Now's a good time for him to come out and announce he only ever liked T20 anyway: "It's a better decision for me. I'm actually glad they made that decision, so no hard feelings there. Heh...heh..."

And, well, Callum Ferguson is on the list, as is Siddle, North, and all-time winner Hughes. Graham Manou is boosting the rock solid position the invincible Brad Haddin occupies. Well fuck me. Phil Jaques and Beau Casson don't make the cut. Here we go.

Adam Voges, meanwhile, has just pissed off the selectors.

First ODI in Durban

I won't say much. Australia won by 141 runs, after posting a score of 286, which SA met with getting all out on 145. After I tuned out, Michael had a ripper of a night, gettig his mojo back, ad hitting the 83 runs that saved Australia. Australia's bowling attack was also pretty darn good, and Nathan Hauritz returned career-best figures of 4/29.

The South Africans were poor. Their bowling outweighed their batting, though, but Albie wasn't doing them any favours. He ended up going for 6.37 runs per over. Not as bad as Ntini's 7.44 but Morne picked up 2 wickets at 6.10. Look who's trying to upstage their big brother. Well, granted, Morne's the specialist bowler, and thank god Albie identifies himself as a batting allrounder.

In the South African camp, Graeme Smith scored 52, trying to put SA back into the game, but the rest of the batting line-up crumbled. Maybe they thought that Albie might be able to salvage it for them (I doubt they ever thought this, though) but when he came in, SA were out of the match and there was nothing anyone could do. Boucher was still too excited from his award that he got out on a duck.

Well, on the bright side, Albie did participate in 2 run-outs:

I like it when you get people out, not get out yourself.

But Morne was the one getting wickets... Luckily, James Hopes is coming to get him.

"Fuck, I'm going to kill you."

The revelation of the night, however, was Nathan Bracken:

"Haha, tricked you, fools! You thought I was a man."