Sutherland at the press conference

You can listen to the audio of the press conference in which James Sutherland delivers the news about Andrew Symonds being sent home here.

Includes questions, etc, from the media. It gives a little more detail, anyway.

Bracken Rates Albie

Any validation is welcome after the not-so-illustrious IPL. If you opened up your non-tabloid morning paper, you'd find an article in which Nathan Bracken attempts to retain some of his supposed notoriety as one of the best limited overs bowlers in the world.

It's all irrelevant, except for the part where he accidently lets slip just how afraid he is of Albie Morkel:

"Guys like Jacob Oram [New Zealand] and Albie Morkel [South Africa] have their shots. So it is important not to make a mistake, not to miss the mark."

Now, you might not be able to interpret that there, but being the kind individual that I am, I will helpfully translate that for you:

"There's that pussy Jacob Oram who doesn't want to play Tests. If my country wanted me to, I sure would. That doesn't mean they don't want me to. Of course they do. Hilditch is at my door every day begging me to be on the Test team but I say no because I have other commitments. To be honest, there's only one batsman I really fear. Not fear, of course, but there's always that trepidation associated with bowling to him. Him being Albie Morkel. I pee my pants when I see he's on strike, he's really fucking terrifying. He once hit me over my head and over the sightscreen, into the stands and down some stairs... sometimes I have nightmares about it."

There's nothing like an accurate translation by Amy S. to enlighten you to the ways of Nathan Bracken.

He also makes reference to Australia losing a T20 against Zimbabwe, something Cricket Australia had tried to shoo under the carpet:

"No one should be considered an easy team; we've lost to Zimbabwe in T20 before."

Indeed you have. That was pretty fucking funny, come to think of it.

He likes to think he's the man. Unfortunately, he hasn't looked in a mirror yet.

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

Sugarcoating Tait

While Andrew Hilditch may have made up some bullshit about Shaun Tait taking his dumping well, the truth is more sinister, says Tait:

"Digger [Hilditch] is trying to sugar-coat that, to be honest."

So if he didn't take it well, how passionate was his response? Did Shaun perhaps chase Hilditch down a long, straight highway, bowling at his back? Perfect revenge, methinks.

He also could have, of course, flipped out completely and smashed CA officials to bits. Then gone off for a holiday in the Greek Islands, never to be seen again.

Tait is pissed

He probably wished he could say so, so, so much more.

"It's pretty easy for CA to say 'get yourself ready for a tournament' when they haven't given you a contract. I could quite easily duck off to the Greek Islands for a couple of months if I wanted to. But I'll keep myself fit, keep bowling and if something does come up well that'd be good."

See what he did there. He managed to restrain himself. Remarkable. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to do the same and I'd have exploded in the selectors' faces.

The situation with Shaun Tait is pretty much just... mindblowing. He says it in as many words:

"When you think you're ready to go and play, I thought they had me in mind for future tournaments, so that was fair enough at the time. But to not let you go, then not pick you in a squad, then not give you a contract is a little bit of a kick in the teeth."

It's fair game to call it a "little bit of a kick in the teeth". How about I edit that:

"But to not let you go, then not pick you in a squad, then not give you a contract is a little bit of a kick in the teeth big fucking kick up the backside and I'm getting my axe ready to hack those bastards to bits."

That's better.

This is also the chance for Shaun to come out with just how much he agrees with Chris Gayle's recent comments. Finally, a like-minded individual to share your thoughts with. Too bad Gayle practically retracted his comments.

The Secret Life of Jaques

What he says:

"It is obviously very disappointing. I suppose I have lost my contract because I've had injuries this past year. All I want to do is get back on the park. When I am fit and healthy I will put scores on the board, I know that."

What he's thinking:

"Kill Phil."

It could be a movie, if Uma Thurman were willing to take part. A hunt between the two Phils. How dare a midget he once gave handy batting tips to take his contract?

In this situation, I'm going to have to side with Phil Hughes, but let's not forget that Jaques is a martyr in his own right. Remember the Shield match against the Inbreds in January? You might remember it for Phil Hughes' 151, but that day his team mate was out there struggling for his team too. It was Phil Jaques, ever the hero adorned with a back brace:

"I was under the influence of cortisones. I was pretty desperate to get back on the park, and I wanted to do what was right by the team - Matthew Hayden was injured."

So while I do feel for poor Phil Jaques, especially as he's done the Blues a whole lot of good, there's always the fact to consider that at least Hughesy's back isn't fucked. And at the end of the day, that's what it comes down too.

Although, the folks at CA must have had a hard night of drinks before they picked some of the central contract players. It's not so much who they picked, but who they chose over another or chose to omit.

We Are One

But we are many, and from all the states in Australia we come.

I am talking of the Australian cricketers to get a central contract, of course. And I am also breaking into song to express my condolences that in the space of a year, suddenly spinning is dead in Australia.

Of a list of 25, there is 1 specialist spinner. One. Think of the most insignificant, most NOTHING spinner to head our pathetic spinning attack (not that they want attacking spinners of course, they "go for too many runs". Spinners are just for containing now, sorry you wicket takers) and you may get Nathan Hauritz.

He is it, and that is it. Fuck off, says Cricket Australia. You learn to spin and we'll give you money, that's how it works.

We have better wicketkeepers than spinners, that's how bad it's become. Although not as bad as actually picking Andrew McDonald. When will CA learn? What does anyone see in him? Absolutely nothing worthwhile, he's just got a couple of half-baked skills. I guess that makes him a half-baked potato. Thank god he isn't one of the Blues or I'd have spent the past few years hanging my head in shame.

2009-10 contract holders: Doug Bollinger (NSW), Nathan Bracken (NSW), Stuart Clark (NSW), Michael Clarke (NSW), Callum Ferguson (SA), Brad Haddin (NSW), Nathan Hauritz (NSW), Ben Hilfenhaus (Tas), Brad Hodge (Vic), James Hopes (Qld), Phillip Hughes (NSW), David Hussey (Vic), Michael Hussey (WA), Mitchell Johnson (WA), Simon Katich (NSW), Brett Lee (NSW), Graham Manou (SA), Shaun Marsh (WA), Andrew McDonald (Vic), Marcus North (WA), Ricky Ponting (Tas), Peter Siddle (Vic), Andrew Symonds (Qld), Shane Watson (NSW), Cameron White (Vic).

Shaun Tait isn't on it. Now's a good time for him to come out and announce he only ever liked T20 anyway: "It's a better decision for me. I'm actually glad they made that decision, so no hard feelings there. Heh...heh..."

And, well, Callum Ferguson is on the list, as is Siddle, North, and all-time winner Hughes. Graham Manou is boosting the rock solid position the invincible Brad Haddin occupies. Well fuck me. Phil Jaques and Beau Casson don't make the cut. Here we go.

Adam Voges, meanwhile, has just pissed off the selectors.

Australia's 2020 Spin Summit

Clever joke, that.

Yes, it's official. Australians are running low on quality spinners who can make it in the international arena. Yes, it's official. We've realised how strangely dire this situation is. Yes, it's official. Cricket Australia is freaking the fuck out about it.

So much so that we're now going to hold a spin summit to face and/or discuss this issue. They're already sending out the invites. Terry Jenner and John Davison are all going, and you should too. Tough times call for tough measures, like having a pansy summit to talk about our feelings regarding spin.

Venue: Cricket Australia Centre of Excellence, Brisbane
Date: Sometime later this year, WE HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET

The spin problem is apparently so much more real now.

WRONG 2020 SUMMIT.

Drool, fool, burp

Alright! Here's how you blog about cricket, ladies:

Cheerleaders may attract more men to the IPL but who brings the girls in? Here are XI IPL hotties who get the ladies giggling and tossing their hair.

Now, while I'm not going to deny that a good looking sportsman will bring in the female viewers, it's quite an extraordinary sight to imagine ladies "giggling and tossing their hair" either at a player on the ground or at their television screen.

The article is some sort of strange combination of relevant insights into players and drooling over this theme team. It's right at times and just completely wrong at other times. Take, for example, the description of Dan Vettori:

Contrary to popular belief, us girls aren't fixated on men with rippling muscles and washboard abs. No, not if Dan walks into the room. His bespectacled look and slow, deliberate manner of speaking are guaranteed to make you go "aww" and wish you could take him home to Mum.

Half of that is right. The other half is just plain weird.

Not to mention AB making the cut. On looks alone, yeah alright, if you happen to look at the right time.

Brett Lee makes "pretty girls look like hags". Not sure what the intention of that was.

Dale Steyn is "blond". Not in my world.

And apparently Sangakkara the cricket makes the list. The list of men who make girls "giggle and toss their hair". Would you giggle and toss your hair for Sangakkara? I wouldn't. If anything, I'd ask him to play Twister. He looks like a Twister person.

If you were going to make a list like this, there were better options for it.

The article is something I'd expect to see in a women's mag or on Cricket Australia's website, not on Cricinfo.

Okay...

Aussie WAGs get Relationship Training Camp for Ashes

The funniest story of the week, by far.

Cricket Australia has come up with a gem. In order to reduce the stresses on long-distance relationships while the Aussie men go on their prolonged tour of England, their WAGs have been invited to a "pre-Ashes training camp" at a beach resort.

A beach resort, darlings. Sounds full on. You know, like a "training camp". Why not a "zen mental wellbeing" camp? It sounds more appropriate, and also more appropriately full of shit.

Oh wait, the players are also going to be there. So that's where the "training" comes into it. Next month, on the Sunshine Coast, the players will train for the Ashes and World Cup, but what's more, they will have regular sessions with relationship counsellors alongside their wives or girlfriends.

Cricket Australia's operations manager Michael Brown is right on top of this spa retreat:

"It is a great opportunity for us to take a more holistic approach to welfare, management, relationships and (to) work with some experts."

I think I've read that in a pamphlet somewhere.

"This is not just about taking the girls up to the camp and talking to them. It's about helping the families spend some more time together before their husbands leave again."

It's a shame this wasn't around when Warnie and Simone were still married. It could have done a lot for their relationship. One whole text-free camp.

I wonder if Brett Lee's going to turn up.

I, like, totally relate

Cricket Australia chief executive, James Sutherland: "We want to make sure cricket is a sport that welcomes women, is accessible, and they can relate to it."

As it turns out, I'm Roy Symonds' illegitimate daughter. Now if only cricket were more accessible. Free tickets for women, maybe?

Censorship at Cricket Australia

Seems something dodgy is going on over at Cricket Australia. After the incredible success of its new bloggers Kiki and Sassy, they've been so overwhelmed with enthusiastic responses from commenters that they've just... stopped publishing them. Funny that. I doubt it could have something to do with fascinating comments left on the site such as:


Posted by Sas--oops, "michelle" at 19/03/2009 04:51 PM
Love the blog, guys! Or should I say girls? LOL. It's so good to read a writing piece which dumbs down cricket to the level of what you'd perceive to be the average moronic Usstralian girl (see, I just made a joke about Saffa accents too! LOL) I'm trying to impress my boyfriend by being suddenly interested in cricket and I think I'll try out the "shamiz" joke on him. His name is Mohammed. ROFL!!! I agree with "loz - the primary school analogy is SO FUNNY. I'm a primary school teacher myself and I'm pretty like Charlotte Gainsburg. LOOOOOL, GEDDIT? "pretty" like her; "pretty like" her. I love playing on words. Don't you?

Why so serious? It seems the public loves these FUN LOVING CHICKAS. The put the 'PARTY' back into 'CRICKET'. Woohoo!!!

Nevertheless, CA is a little touchy about this. They're like the fat kid who grows out of their fatness but remains paranoid their entire life that everyone is judging them. Only, I think it's safe to say that these figurative "fat kids" really haven't grown out of their "fatness" yet. Cricket Australia, being the loving, scone-baking, overprotective mother, has quickly pounced on the intruders in her childrens' playspace. And she's determined to cut them down with a bit of crafty behind-the-scenes work...

Editor's Note: Whilst we welcome diverse comment and robust discussion, CA will not be allowing negative comments to appear on these pages if they don't have a valid point to make.
This blog was intended to appeal to a different part of the cricket audience, not necessarily the hard core fan. We will continue to add a diverse range of blogs and articles to the website over the coming months.
Please note that comments that are derogatory, defamatory, or discriminatory will not be published. The decision to publish is solely at the discretion of CA

Ja, and somewhere in a CA office, a balding 45 year old man looks at the fruits of his genius (the above) and marvels at his amazingness:

Brett: Golly gee, I'm so clever! Now I'll just block all comments from being posted and add a few of my own! And if a Yasmin from a far off land happens to comment on this with an adoring comment, I'll send it through! Oh gosh, I love myself. *applies SHANE WARNE'S MAGICAL HAIR REGROWTH CREAM TO HIS HEAD* Now I just need a full head of hair and I'll be looking like a brand new cricket ball!

Interested in finding out what exactly the CA note entailed, I sent through two remarkable different posts. One was tongue-in-cheek in its criticism of the girls, and the other was adoring in its entirety. Needless to say that only one got through, despite the other falling into the "valid negative comment" group that CA had so trustingly advised us was appropriate.

As I said, something's fishy, Cricket Australia...