England losing and other interesting stuff

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

What are they feeding the South African boys?

Clearly, someone has laced their food with oestrogen hormones.

I ask you, what the fuck?

Now I don't usually like to point out things like this because it's a load of crap, but it's so bloody obvious here that it's impossible not to mention it.

And it's not just some strange error in lighting because, look, JP's free from the curse:

In the same series of shots, Albie's looking like Noddy, and AB's head is proportionately huge compared to the rest of his body.

It's almost sickening to watch.

Spotto

It really does take two to tango. ROFL can tell you that.

Spotted: Morne and ROFL getting their dancing shoes on.

Don't worry guys, I'm not disappearing on you yet.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

Albie Morkel and the Afternoon Siesta

Boncam sends in an interesting link to an interview with Albie on Cricinfo.

Where do I start? Right, apparently he's going to have a BABY. I actually glanced over that line completely and noticed it a while later. It was a bit of a WTF moment.

Tell us something we don't know about you.
Come December, I will be a father of a boy.

Well done, Albie. I'm sure when he retires, he'll surreptitiously slip in that news in an interview too, as if it's no big deal at all. "Oh, by the way, I'M RETIRING, bitches."

Apart from that rather interesting development, the interview is actually quite good. When asked what he told Morne after replacing him for his Test debut:

I didn't really say anything much. Obviously it was a big disappointment for him, but on the other hand it was happiness for me. He was supportive of me on my debut and I was supportive of him since he was dropped.

I find that inexplicably funny. He was supportive of him since he was dropped, while at the same time, secretly happy for himself. I bet the conversations between the two would have been immensely awkward following that.

If you were running cricket, what's the one change you would make?
I'd make the lunch interval in four-day games about two hours long, so we can have an afternoon siesta.

Look, Albie, you can be funny too. Amazing.

But possibly the best thing of all is a hilarious question about ROFL:

Does Roelof van der Merwe ever look at the ball when he hits it?
You're gonna have to ask him. Yes, it looks weird on TV: his head is down while he hits over point for six. He is pretty unique, but I'm sure he watches the ball.

I'm sure many others were wondering exactly the same thing.

Inane Cricket News

T20 cricket is going to the Asian Games. Really. Truly. Sometime this year, I don't really care when the games are on. Pakistan, India, SL and Bangaldesh have promised to send the best possible teams available.

If you've seen B-grade movies, it's time for B-grade cricket in an Olympics-like arena.

And the second piece of cricket news, apparently Shilpa Shetty is going to appear in a Bollywood film with some of the Rajasthan Royals guys. Yeah. Warnie's been approached, but they're also trying to score Graeme Smith, Yusuf Pathan, Morne Morkel and some others. Oh the limited roles they could play. Especially Morne, I'm sure this is his chance to out himself as a serial killer.

I do apologise for calling that cricket news. It just seemed too ridiculous not to mention.

How Chennai Will Win

A match everyone should be nervous about. Hopefully it'll be better than the Delhi/Mumbai spectacle last night, because these two teams are both in form.

But you've still got to be nervous. Of the matches Chennai and Rajasthan have played in both seasons of the IPL, Chennai has won only one of them, and that was this year. Rajasthan, however, have come back from losing consecutive matches to having won most of their last 5. So in light of the strengths of both teams and the likelihood this will be a close match, I'm going to offer up a take on how Chennai can win this crucial match:

• Out of the awesome foursome of Hayden, Raina, Dhoni and Albie, at least 2 need to fire. Preferably all 4. I should probably mention Badrinath here too, but too bad, I can't be bothered. What good does a duck do you?
• Fuck Chennai's other opener, they can't seem to get it right.
• George Bailey doesn't play (and no, the place he was born has nothing to do with it), and Jacob Oram does something spectacularly good for once.
• Lee Carseldine is swayed by an offer of money and/or sex from George.
• Graeme Smith gets out for less than 10.
• RR play Morne Morkel instead of Dimitri Mascarenhas. This one is vitally important.
• Warnie swigs another pint of beer from a well-meaning Aussie in the crowd, but doesn't realise that Aussie is me until the laxatives in the beer have taken full hold.
• Amit Singh is so terrified by chucker claims he refuses to bend his arm in the slightest while bowling and practically hands the match to Chennai.
• Yusuf Pathan realises he has an excess of motorbikes and so throws his wicket in order to escape the MoM award.
• Abhishek Raut is the one RR batsman who does well. I like to help my best friends along.
• Someone stabs Munaf Patel in the eye.

Okay, so maybe not all of those are needed to help Chennai win. They can do the rest by pure talent alone. Because they won't be so terrible in the field again, will they?

Or will they?

As for the KXIP vs. DC match, I'm gonna go Punjab just for kicks.

Also, I had originally asked whether anyone knew what the Penguin had said to Karthik, but after a bit of digging around, I've found out what it was. Suffice to say, why oh why is that an actual insult? It's like a stupider version of just calling someone a cunt.

Julio the Crocodile Hunter

Sara has sent in a very fascinating link to an interview with Dale Steyn at Cricinfo. It is revealing, to say the least. They have used the infamous picture of AB and Dale (of Love Saga fame) to accompany what is at times a funny interview. Funny in that you will laugh at Dale.


Take, for example:

I caught a crocodile not so long ago and it was a total accident... I can write about it in my book one day.

Talk about confidence and planning for the future, Dale Steyn's already got a bestseller mapped out in his head, to be titled: The Steyninator 101, a sort of glorified choose-your-own-adventure story of his life in which you battle mutant cows and overgrown cane toads.

My grandparents call me Champ. All my team-mates call me Julio. AB de Villiers gave it to me about five years ago and it just stuck. There is no real reason for it.

That's just real Love Saga material. Having insider nicknames for each other. "Julio" is a combination of both "Juliet" and "Romeo". BET YOU NEVER KNEW THAT. See, this is why I'm here. To tell you this stuff. I thought Steynki was enough, but apparently we now have to deal with a Julio as well.

Which cricketer would you pick to go with on a trip into the wild?
Actually I'll have to take both Morkel brothers - Albie and Morne. All three of us enjoy fishing, and they have a long history going into the bush and stuff like that, so they know their way around in the wild.

Strangely bizarre, sounds like Albie and Morne had a horrible childhood in which their manic father would regularly take them for trips into the wild to hunt tigers. He had a moustache and to this date, whenever Albie or Morne see a person with a stache they are reminded of their father and the bits of deer that used to be permanently lodged above his lip from eating raw meat in the jungle.

But a better story would be one of Morne and Albie being trained in the sounds of the jungle, clicking their tongues and waiting for the response from the wild animals to tell them which way is north. Or better yet, a Tarzan-style knowledge of the wild to accompany Julio's wild rampages as he chases deer over land, trying to become a Deer Hunter too. Robert De Niro was always his favourite actor.

If you were to play James Bond, who would you pick as the female lead? Not counting your girlfriend.
You're gonna have to put my girlfriend, purely because she is an actress. Jeanne Kietzmann is her name and you need to put it down. Otherwise Natalie Portman, because she looks similar.

I do believe they said "not counting your girlfriend" or maybe he thought they'd just stuck that in there for no reason and that they didn't know Jeanne was an actress. However, the rather interchangeable Jeanne is odd. It's kind of creepy going around and figuring out which actress your girlfriend looks like. Maybe it's on Jeanne's CV: "Looks like Natalie Portman."

Tell us about one sledge you will never forget.
I still remember what Matthew Hayden said in my very first Test against Australia, last year in Perth. I bowled the first ball of the match to Simon Katich and it ran wide and Mark Boucher took it in front of first slip. Hayden turned around and said I was going to be so nervous the whole game that I would bowling wides for the rest of the game. I shot back saying, "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs." It was an interesting chat we had.

Good one. Did it take you all of half an hour to say that? And who's willing to bet Haydos didn't understand a single word of it, especially if Julio said it in a retarded saffa accent.

Imagine Steyn all proud of himself for coming up with an irritatingly long "insult" and looking rather pleased with himself afterwards even though he was the only person who understood it. And imagine him thinking it was such a clever response he decided to recite it word for word to a reporter 6 months later, citing it as the "one sledge you'll never forget".

If you want a real sledge, take Eddo Brandes vs. McGrath:
"Why are you so fat?"
"Because everytime I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Or even Arjuna Ranatunga replying to Ian Healy's classic "Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped." with a particularly hilarious, "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be onto it before I can move."

But "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs" ?

That's Julio the Crocodile Hunter for you.

Spotto

Last one, I promise.

Spotted: Morne being a bitch.

Okay, so I'm sort of partial to this one. Morne's almost funny.

The photo was after the ODI series in Australia, when Albie rather embarrassingly crawled up steps to get to Mark Nicholas in order to accept his award.

Speak of the devil

While the complete destruction of Bangalore has taken place by the RR bowling attack, I was almost hoping BRC would win. Why, you ask? Because of Dravid, I answer. If you're going to leave your newborn kid at home and trot off to another country to play for a drunken tycoon (okay, for cash too) you'd think a little winning would be the perfect way to start things. But no, he's out for a duck.

Then it's up to Boucher, ROFL or Mr. Smooth to step up. The first fails, but ROFL hit a boundary off Morne (HAHAHA, watch Albie bowl better later tonight) and then gritted his teeth together and made weird facial expressions as he excitedly looked for another gap in which to hit the ball to.

The variations of how all the player's say Morne's name is hilarious. But even better is the commentators talking about him after he took the Kohli catch or some other batsman:

"Speak of the devil."

Now if you were a rational person, that would make sense. But if you're A GOD-FEARING, JESUS-LOVING GOOD HOLY CHRISTIAN then the moment you hear that sentence your life is changed forever. Out come the crucifixes and holy water. Out comes AB's favourite book.

Really, if I were going to pick a devil in the Rajasthan team, I'd say Munaf Patel. Occasionally, you see flashes of his alter ego poking through and his eyes are replaced by fiery balls of hell. It is quite hard to pick up if you're not trained in the art of identifying devils like I am.

I'm also a ninja in my spare time, but I have dabbled in Ghostbusting.

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

How much does Morne want to play?

It's Morne Morkel I'm talking about this time, in his articles/diary entries for Sports Illustrated. Case in point:

Obviously I would like to get my first game for the Royals but unfortunately onlyfour overseas players can play and at the moment they are going with the extra batsman. So I will just have to wait and see. It is very frustrating at the moment.

--

I hope I get a chance to play. It’s been rather frustrating not to play, but I respect the fact that there can only be four ‘overseas’ players in the team. Hopefully thepitch assessment goes in my favour and I get the call-up.

--

There is no point in changing the team for Chennai cos then they have to start out all over again.

The wicket was quite bouncy last night; I would have enjoyed bowling on there. I can't see them changing the side. They need to get the wiinning streak from the momentum they had last night and they need to build on that. My best bet is to wait it out until Dimitri Mascarenhas goes back to England.

I'm surprised he isn't formulating evil plans to get a game. But did that Kamran Khan injury have something to do with a little Morne voodoo magic from the sidelines?

Albie The Villain Wears A Visor

You heard it here first. Albie wore a visor. Disgusting.

Idiot. And no, the guy next to him isn't from Doctor Who.

Alright, setting all the petty stuff aside (although who does willingly wear a visor?), French Sydneysider has sent me the link to interesting articles on Albie, written from his bat's POV. But the most interesting parts of it are where it talks about things we wouldn't already know. Little insider things which aren't all that significant but I'll be damned if I don't comment on it.

The first is on the case of the missing equipment which Morne dressed up as a baggage handler to remove stealthily:

Albie had warned me to stay prepared because he wanted to go straight into action for the Super Kings. I even heard him imploring the person at check-in that even if nothing else did, at least his cricket kit needed to be waiting for him at the other end. I even felt them slap a “priority” sticker onto us.

The plot thickens... weeks after it occurred. Apparently he has size 10 shoes. That's irrelevant, but okay.

More importantly, it seems perhaps Albie is battling a minor injury. How I'd love to put his below par performances down to this:

He’s also not one for excuses, but I can tell you exclusively that my partner isn’t quite firing on all cylinders fitness-wise – he strained some ankle ligaments against Bangalore Royal Challengers. He’s baffled as to exactly how it happened; he just told me he suddenly felt a burning sensation after bowling a ball. There’s no real recovery time during the IPL, so he’s biting the bullet and playing through it – luckily a scan showed it’s not too serious.

But is it serious enough to make him play worse than he could be? Hopefully. At least then there's hope he'll be back to full strength and pounding balls once more.

And then there's Albie not voting in South Africa's general elections. If the same thing happened to me, I'd be slapped with a fine. Compulsory voting, folks. We gotta do it.

He didn’t have his ID book with him on his IPL travels, come election day itself, which was a pity.So he promised me he wouldn’t complain about the way the country is governed for the next few years!

What's wrong? Did the communists come into power?

Yes, unfortunately. Say goodbye to cricket.

"Albie assures me he loves the responsibility and the pressure of trying to be the match-winner -- even if, when you don’t come off, there’s the danger you’ll be branded as the villain by some people."

Reasons You Will Hate AB

So I ripped that title off a friend of mine, but it's time to talk AB.

Achettup loves AB. He has adopted AB as his very own.

I am shocked. Shocked is what I am. Because it is almost impossible to like AB that much, he's just too damn perfect. He's like that person everyone knows who excels in a million different areas effortlessly, while others have to dedicate themselves to this one thing and really earn it. And to top it off, he's humble and accredits it all to God.

Fuck that shit. I know I'm not the only person who gets irritated by that, and people will say "you're just jealous" and "stop whining he's awesome" but no, I don't know how anyone can stand AB.

If the guy were just a class batsmen, that would be enough. Watching AB bat probably sends half his fans into orgasm. You know what, throw in his excellent fielding and that will be enough.

But no, AB is also a decent wicketkeeper. He doesn't want to be one, of course, he wants to be the No. 1 batsman in the world. And he's 25. If he keeps it up, he actually will become the No. 1 batsman in the world, and the best fielder to boot. Jonty Rhodes himself has described AB as one of the 4 best fielders in the world.

Half his fans, while they try to pass it off as strokeplay, love him for his appearance. Because AB is actually a good looking player. After watching Jacques Kallis bat for a bit, people are crying for a look at AB. He wears pink bandanas and passes it off, and according to Morne Morkel, AB spends a lot of his time in front of the mirror. According to schizophrenic Andre, AB is the best dressed South African cricketer.

That's not it, because AB has more left in him. He also plays golf, rugby and tennis and would no doubt have had a successful career in one of those, but he chose to play cricket. What a relief. And he played 78 Test innings before he was out for a duck. So for 78 Test innings, AB contributed to his team's score. He was a real player. That 78 is the record, by the way. AB is just so amazing.

AB can also play the guitar and he's a singer. He's even released a single to prove it, and plans to release an album in the near future if he can. He wants to have a singing career when he retires from cricket, just to keep up the brilliance.

Sound like a huge list of achievements? It is. But humble AB believes it is all the work of Jesus. According to him, "Jesus is the man" and all his success is due to Jesus. His faith means more to him than playing for his country. He's a good, honest, religious man. His favourite book is also the Bible, and he gets weird when I talk about Albie. AB is also a positive person, and has invented a motto which describes his attitude to life: "Stay sharp!" He's just so positive all the time, and proud to be a Protea.

So after all that, is it possible to actually like AB? The guy is so effortlessly perfect at everything it begins to grind at your nerves. How do the other players stand being around him? You'd automatically feel like a failure, if it weren't for AB constantly encouraging you to stay sharp and maintaining his personality as a nice person constantly. Some players have nothing, but AB has everything. He has no weakness, he's just good at everything that comes his way. He could probably learn to fly a plane in two days.

You can't like him.

But when AB gets caught in a strip club, like our good old PM, then we'll talk. It does wonders for your likeability factor.

Why Albie Morkel Didn't Play: The Real Truth

If you'll cast your mind back a few days, you'll remember that Morne Morkel's equipment and shoes mysteriously went missing from his hotel lobby, apparently put on the Deccan Chargers' bus for Cape Town. And you know who did it.

Well, Morne had his revenge, because the morning of Albie's flight from Jo'burg to Cape Town, a similar thing happened to Albie, only Morne went to greater lengths to do it.

On his blog, VB Chandrasekar spoke of the truth behind Albie sitting out:

A last minute change to the side was to prove costly for us as Albie landed here sans his gear as the airline had lost it in transit from Jo’burg where he had played the last ODI game against the touring Aussies.

Albie was very disappointed and stressed at the sad turn of events. We missed him for his all-round skills, although Thushara did bowl well in his opening spell.

Lost in transit, hey? Very disappointed and stressed?

I wonder if this was what Lalit Modi was so earnestly speaking to Albie about during that match.

At least Albie can take comfort in knowing the team would have desperately wanted him playing that day.

"Bet they would have wanted me doing THIS."

Morne's shoes stolen

It's true to an extent. It's also the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

Morne Morkel's shoes were "stolen" or rather, misplaced, from the team's hotel Fourways. Morne was busy preparing for the last ODI at Wanderers and had left his equipment bag in the hotel lobby. According to him

“One moment my bag was still in the hotel lobby and the next it was nowhere to be found. One of the hotel workers had been spotted with it and somehow it landed on the same bus as the baggage for the Deccan Chargers.”

The hotel worker reportedly bore a remarkable resemblance to Albie Morkel.

The bag contained three pairs of Puma shoes, all of Morne's batting equipment, and his one-day uniform. It was found in Cape Town late Thursday afternoon and should arrive back to Morne Friday morning. Meanwhile, Morne has had to train in Ntini's shoes, but that's a bit of a problem because Morne descends from a family of ogres and has Size 12 shoes. Ntini has Size 10 shoes.

Poor Morne.

“My feet are full of blisters and it’s been a struggle walking."

HAHAHA, who am I kidding? This is hilarious.

I also just got a phone call from someone who spent 5 minutes laughing hysterically down the line, not saying a single word. You can bet who that was.

"So. Stressed. Small. Shoes."

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

Mark Boucher's Website

Yes, you knew it. Let me be honest from the get go here and say that Mark's website is a hell of a lot better than AB's or Jacques'. Especially Jacques'. I didn't laugh at Mark anywhere near as much as I laughed at the others, but there were still plenty of laughs to be had from his website. Plenty.

Mark is quite open about the fact that someone manages his website for him. It is a lady by the name of Kendra who is responsible for forwarding fan mail and questions to him. The site reveals more, such as the fact that AB got the idea for "Ask AB" from Mark, and in fact, the idea for having a website at all from Mark.

Mark is possibly the most normal senior member of the SA cricket team. He doesn't have crazy superstitions, isn't a muppet, doesn't seem to be lacking in brain cells, isn't a crazy religious junkie, hasn't raped anyone yet by my count, isn't tempted by the prospect of taking drugs while on an away tour, so I'd say this all equates to him being the most "normal" senior member of the team.

The About page is quite interesting. The first photo is of Mark as a, let's face it, fat child. He's a cute kid, but I appear to be looking directly at a growing beer belly in the photo.

The caption reads "Mark wearing his favourite Heidi t-shirt"

The About page has a lot of quotes from various people about how Mark is the best wicketkeeper South Africa has ever had, and related things. It also speaks of many records Mark has broken. At least he isn't simply unflappable and selflessly able to spend hours at the crease like Jacques Kallis.

But there's a very interesting comment on the page:

Boucher showed his leadership qualities when he talked to Herschelle Gibbs and got him to tell the truth about his match fixing.

...What? Is this The Mark Show or something? Why is he calling out Gibbs on this? As it turns out, this isn't the first example of Mark taking the moral high ground over people like Gibbs. he does it several times in other places too.

The Mark Show continues a little while later, at the expense of Shaun Pollock and Graeme Smith:

[He] led the team in tests four times. These matches included a victory over Australia, an achievement which neither Pollock nor current captain Graeme Smith can boast of.

This is a very 'ha ha I beat you' approach to take to a team member. If Graeme ever reads this, he's going to morph into a muppet and kill Mark.

Which one is Graeme?

Then there's a description of Mark which is hilarious:

He is well known for his tough, 'Australian-like' approach to the game and it has been said that he steps onto a cricket field like he owns it.

Funny, I've never noticed that before. I wonder who supposedly said it. And is acting like an Australian dickhead suddenly the new cool in cricket? I thought it induced threats of boycotts, not praise.

Like most wicketkeepers, he can often be heard to sledge the opposing team's batsmen. In a test match against Zimbabwe he started sledging Tatenda Taibu, the Zimbabwean wicket-keeper which included Boucher saying 'what's your average!'

Hahaha, good one! Let's really psych them out, Mark! What's your average!

There is even a Did you know? section at the bottom of the page:

• Our national keeper has a Gold award for Afrikaans Poetry in the Grahamstown Eisteddfod.
• Boucher was also a talented athlete having had a budding career as a high jumper.
• His favorite pastime at school was engraving his girl friends names onto the desks at school.
• Boucher broke a bone in his arm in his Matric year while performing a stage dive of historic proportions off a roof while playing a Guns ‘n Roses air guitar at a friend’s party.
• The little scar on his lip is not from some manly bar fight as he might claim but was caused by a nasty encounter with a trolley while racing at the Vincent Park shopping centre!

I don't even know how to respond to these. I love his favourite pasttime, however. Judging by all the list of achievements, however, I would have expected it to be "winning". And I cannot even begin to imagine what the "nasty encounter with a trolley" would entail. How do you even have a nasty encounter with a shopping trolley?

Among other things on Mark's site, there's a Fan Club page, where every week, a different fan is profiled on his site. This week it's Storm Pelser. She has captivating eyes that are similar to Mark Boucher's. And Alistair Cook's. I hope to be next week's fan of the week.

And now we're onto the Ask Mark page. It's the second best part of his site. A lot of it is fan mail, but there are some gems hidden in the Ask Mark section...

Q. During lunch breaks do you actually eat or do something else?
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA

Excellent question, Odette.

Q. Your website is 10,000 times better than AB's except for his videos!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA

Take that, AB! 10,000 times! Mark must be gloating.

Q. Who is your best friend in the team and who is the best bowler?
FROM DANIYAL MARK, PAKISTAN
I have lots of close friends in the team but I suppose I am closest to Jacques as we have played together for so long and live near to each other as well. I couldn't choose one particular bowler as they all have specific talents.

Just when you think he's normal, you find out Jacques is his best friend...

Q. Your sister Che is really gorgeous, please tell her.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
What and give her a big head...don't think so!! Okay I will tell her.

Funniest reply ever. Okay I will tell her.

There is even a follow-on Q&A from a fan named "Leesa Nottle". It begins with her saying this:

Q. My whole family is barracking for you guys. Keep it up know you can beat them in SA!
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Not too sure what barracking is but it sounds like a good thing so thank your family for their support from me.

Q. Barracking means we are supporting you guys. Kick butt in the ODI's.
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Good I thought it sounded worse, thanks for clearing that one up.

Awkward... If I were Mark, I would have just not posted that follow-up comment by Leesa and followed AB's lead in censorship.

Q. Do you like India and it's food. What is your height?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Definitely I love India and it's food. Back home I visit my local curry restaurant often as it is the nearest I get to proper Inidan food. My height is.......

His height is... dun dun DUN. This is more exciting than a James Bond movie.

Q. Is it true that you have retired from the game?
FROM MAVA MAHAMBA, SA
The last time I checked I was still playing. No plans to retire yet.

It's questions like these which make me think he's being far more tongue-in-cheek than AB would or Jacques could ever be.

Q. What is your favourite hobby and why?
FROM ROXY LIGHTFOOT, ZIMBABWE
Hi Roxy, how's it going there in Zim? If you can call Golf a hobby than that is mine.

Mark is so down with it he's abbreviated Zimbabwe. I wonder if Roxy send him a reply telling him how it's going in Zim.

Q. South African team is one of my favourites. What religion are you?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Hi Shikha, thanks for the vote. I am not particularly into any religion more than another but at the moment my religion is cricket!

See, better than AB, if it weren't for the cheesiness.

Q. Is "my boe"t afrikaans..what does it mean?
FROM DASUNI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Hi Dasuni. Firstly I would like to give you my condolences regarding the tragedy that happened at the Lahore stadium. The team and I are horrified and send you all our best wishes during this difficult time. My boet means my brother. Best wishes my boet. Mark

And Mark wins the award for THE most awkward segue ever.

Q. We met you when my son was playing squash at Londt Park. We are so proud of your success.
FROM DOREEN SEABORNE, SA
Hi Doreen, please send my regards to Ryan and thanks a lot for your support over the years.

Creepy. He knows the kid's name

Q. You are the sexiest man alive on planet earth!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
Ha Ha thanks Madiha.
Ha ha, thanks! Madiha is quite the fan.

Q. Good luck and know that I am flying my SA flag high here in Qatar.
FROM CHANEL FLOYD, QATAR
Hi again Chanel...thanks for all your support from over there in Qatar. Hope you don't get into trouble flying another flag.

She will. The Flag Police are onto her.

Q. You are so witty and sweet especially answering all our questions. I'm rooting for you guys.
FROM HARINI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Words can't describe how you must be feeling after the trajedy at Lahore. The boys and I wish you, the team and the country all the best during this nightmare. All the best. Mark

If someone started spouting a spiel about how I'm living in a NIGHTMARE, I'd be terrified. Why does Mark keep making such terrible segues such to express his humanity?

Q. The broadcaster won't show us games so please use your bat to hit him he must be standing nearby.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
That's ridiculous...what's the problem with them? Wish I could help.

Funniest question ever, which explains why Mark had no idea how to reply to that. What's the problem with them?

Q. It's great watching you from Oz. Hope you get on top of this run chase.
FROM JADE HEEPS, AUSTRALIA
So do I!! Thanks for the support from Oz. How about sending us some pics so we can SEE who our Aussie fans are?

He asks for someone else to send photos also. This is getting quite creepy. Soon he'll be demanding young girls send him photos of themselves

Q. Ur always great to watch AB ain't bad either. What's your favourite food?
FROM KING KHAN, UK
Thanks mate. I love sushi.

Wasn't expecting that response...

Q. Just been on AB's site but I love your site more. Don't tell AB. Ha Ha
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA
OOPS.. too late.Hee Hee

Odette is weird as shit. Mark's "Hee Hee" is weirder.

Q. Have you ever taken drugs?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, ST LUCIA
No I think it is the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. Have never understood why people do it.

HI HERSCHELLE.

Q. What would you do if not cricket? Pls tell Dale he's cute..so are you.
FROM ZAINAB IRFAN, PAKISTAN
Well I'd like to think I could have been a golfer but who knows if I would have made it. Will pass the message onto Dale.

Will he really? That would be the most awkward conversation ever. "Hey Dale, Zainab from Pakistan says you're cute." "...Right."

Q. So glad you guys wrapped up the series. Being an Indian I support you coz ur so hard working!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
How's it Madiha, what's it like living in Saudi? Thanks for your support.

I dunno. Pretty much the same as living in any other part of the world.

Q. You are officially my favourite wickie now that Gilly is gone. Do you miss him?
FROM JEANAN YASSEN, AUSTRALIA
Gilly is a fantastic cricketer so yes I guess I miss the professional rivalry. He is a top bloke and he also sent me a message of congratulations when I got my record. I wish him all the best.

AHH, TOP BLOKE.

Q. Although I'm Australian well done for the wins. Why does everyone ask about AB love your replies.
FROM ANASTASIA THOMPSON, AUSTRALIA
Thanks God he's got his own website now so he can answer all the gals himself!!!

But half your traffic has now gone to AB's site, Mark.

Q. You questioned Sandy over what kind of smoking...do you have something to admit?
FROM SARAH DUNN, UK
No I was only kidding around Sarah. Being a professional sportsman I do NOT dabble in anything stupid like that.

HELLO AGAIN, HERSCHELLE.

Q. You and Jacques have almost ticked off all on your wish list.What does Ja mean?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Ja nearly. It means yes...south african style.

Cue Hawaiian music and a beach setting.

Q. I love SA! Does Vaughan Van Jaarsveld have his own website?
FROM ROSHANI JAY, AUSTRALIA
Glad you like SA it's a beautiful place to be. Not sure if he has one..don't think so.

I'm going to hound him with questions and messages for Vaughn so that he'll beg him to start his own website.

Q. Would you be my best man at my wedding to Graeme?
FROM SEALANI BALI, INDIA
For sure!!!

This is perfect by itself.

. Have you ever tried smoking?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, NEW ZEALAND
Hi Sandy, what type of smoking do you mean? Ha Ha. No I don't like smoking at all.

UNLIKE HERSCHELLE

Q. Are you married or do you have a girl friend?
FROM FRAN MORTON, SA
How's it Fran? No not married, this is a difficult life for anyone to endure so we will have to wait and see.

KP agrees with you entirely.

Q. Sorry to hear about your toe am sure AB will do a great job. Please give him my email address?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Thanks Emma. The good news is that AB has his own website now so you girls can ask him all these things yourself now. Cool or what.

First of all, Emma is hilarious. Secondly, cool or what!

Q. am so glad you won. 4get about AB tell Albie he rocks and you of course.
FROM FAY W, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fay. I will be delighted to tell Albie as I think he rocks too.

That's right, 4get about AB, this is the only good fan mail of the lot. I bet Mark didn't tell Albie anything, just like he didn't tell Dale he was cute.

Q. Can you ask the Morkels if they remember a sign that read Morkels=speed of light please?
FROM FLEUR MATHEWS, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fleur...like the wording...where's my sign?

I can make a better Morkel sign than that. "MORNE: DROPPED"

Q. My mum thinks you are good looking!
FROM YASMINE FINCHUM, AUSTRALIA
Well she's got good taste what can I say? Just kidding please tell your mum a big thank you.

Now Yasmin's dad is coming for Mark.

Q. Have you ever been a nuaghty boy and caught up in a tabloid scandal?
FROM DAVID BROWN, UK
Of course not David!!! So far so good.....

Has Mark ever been a "naughty boy"...

And now for the BEST PART of the site: The Gallery. Here's some of the best:

Mark and Andre Nel. Yeah. Weird.

I would never post this up on my own website.

If Jacques were closing in on my sister, I'd be worried.

Scarily enough, they almost look like a normal couple here. But we know the truth.

Christmas dinner. HI MORNE, WHERE'S ALBIE?

Albie's busy signing autographs with a special needs fan, Kyle.

(There's more photos of Kyle up on the site)

Mark follows team mates into the bathroom.

And gives AB a haircut with his "new found skills".

I've left the worst photo until last. The only worse person who could be in that bath is Jacques Kallis.

And that is Mark Boucher's site. In a few days or weeks time, you may find he has answered a question I sent in. I'll be very interested in seeing his response.

(Blogger's being a little mediocre and posting parts of this as a giant chunk. I'm working on fixing that.)

Albie is feeling threatened

I am stuffing a dozen Easter eggs in my mouth, overwhelmed by the festive spirit, when my phone rings. Mouth full of chocolate, I answer it, uttering a muffled "Hello?"

"AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS!!!!!!!!!!" is the reply.

I swallow all the chocolate. I know who this is. "Albie," I say, "You know I can't understand Afrikaans. Speak in English."

There is a silence on the other end. Then, "QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BOWLER IN THE WORLD?"

I am confused.

"TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. TIME'S RUNNING OUT!"

I have played this game 5 times in the last 3 days. "You, Albie," I say. "You're the best bowler in the world."

"PING! ONE POINT."

"Why are you calling?"

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BATSMAN IN THE WORLD?"

I don't even pretend to consider this. "Albie Morkel."

"PING! WE'RE MOVING ONTO THE BONUS QUESTION NOW. FIVE POINTS FOR A CORRECT ANSWER. MINUS FIVE FOR AN INCORRECT ANSWER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

"Tense."

"WHICH LESS FAMOUS BROTHER OF A SOUTH AFRICAN CRICKETER WAS DROPPED FROM BOTH THE TEST AND ODI SIDE? TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK."

"Oh gee, I dunno."

"HINT: HE'S TALL AND UGLY AND HAS A STUPID NAME."

"Morne Morkel?"

"PING! FIVE POINTS! YOU ARE THE WINNER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

I play along with him. It is the only way for him to stop. "I'm feeling great. This was quite a difficult game and I'm glad I answered correctly. Now, Albie, why did you call?"

Albie doesn't respond for a moment. Finally, he says, "I need your help."

This piques my interest. "What help?" I'm feeling suspicious. "Does this involve water bombing Morne?"

Albie laughs enthusiastically. "No. But that was fun, wasn't it? Did you see his face when he drank some of the water and I said 'By the way, that's my piss!'."

"Yes, it was hilarious. What do you need help with?"

"Who is Jacques Oram?"

This seems to be fairly innocuous. "He's a Kiwi, and it's Jacob, by the way."

But Albie doesn't care for that. "Where does he live? I need to send him a threatening letter."

This is what I'm here for. I stop Albie from carrying out all these crazy plans. "Why would you want to do that, Albie?"

Albie sighs heavily on the other end of the line, as though I am entirely stupid. "Because he might beat me, obviously. Last year I was the winner from Chennai. I was their leading wicket taker TAKE THAT MORNE. But this year he's here and Morne said he'll beat me. So I need to stop him playing."

I consider this. "Shouldn't you be more afraid of Freddie?"

"No," Albie says. "He can't take wickets. He's a loser. I'm a winner."

"But shouldn't you be doing what's best for the team by letting Jacob play?"

"No. I need to beat Morne."

I can see he's not going to listen. "Listen, Albie, I know you're tired and you have so much work on your hands, what with beating Morne and all. So tell you what, I'll sabotage Jacob myself, okay? I'll replace his Gatorade with water."

Albie doesn't say anything. "What is Gatorade?" he asks.

"It's a magic drink which makes you play well. It's the only reason Jacob's been succeeding."

Albie laughs. "Good, take it away. And give him dirty water."

"Yes, Albie."

"And give me Gatorade."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also, send Morne a photo of me winning."

"Yes, Albie."

"Tell him everyone loves me more and I'm worth more money."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also tell him nobody likes fast bowlers so stop thinking you're good."

"Yes, Albie."

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST PLAYER ON THE SOUTH AFRICAN TEAM?"

"You, Albie."

"RIGHT!" Albie laughs manically, and is still laughing when I cut the call.

I return to my Easter eggs and continue eating.

"QUICK, WHOSE RUN-UP IS BETTER THAN MORNE'S?"