Saturday 25 April 2009

Reasons You Will Hate AB

So I ripped that title off a friend of mine, but it's time to talk AB.

Achettup loves AB. He has adopted AB as his very own.

I am shocked. Shocked is what I am. Because it is almost impossible to like AB that much, he's just too damn perfect. He's like that person everyone knows who excels in a million different areas effortlessly, while others have to dedicate themselves to this one thing and really earn it. And to top it off, he's humble and accredits it all to God.

Fuck that shit. I know I'm not the only person who gets irritated by that, and people will say "you're just jealous" and "stop whining he's awesome" but no, I don't know how anyone can stand AB.

If the guy were just a class batsmen, that would be enough. Watching AB bat probably sends half his fans into orgasm. You know what, throw in his excellent fielding and that will be enough.

But no, AB is also a decent wicketkeeper. He doesn't want to be one, of course, he wants to be the No. 1 batsman in the world. And he's 25. If he keeps it up, he actually will become the No. 1 batsman in the world, and the best fielder to boot. Jonty Rhodes himself has described AB as one of the 4 best fielders in the world.

Half his fans, while they try to pass it off as strokeplay, love him for his appearance. Because AB is actually a good looking player. After watching Jacques Kallis bat for a bit, people are crying for a look at AB. He wears pink bandanas and passes it off, and according to Morne Morkel, AB spends a lot of his time in front of the mirror. According to schizophrenic Andre, AB is the best dressed South African cricketer.

That's not it, because AB has more left in him. He also plays golf, rugby and tennis and would no doubt have had a successful career in one of those, but he chose to play cricket. What a relief. And he played 78 Test innings before he was out for a duck. So for 78 Test innings, AB contributed to his team's score. He was a real player. That 78 is the record, by the way. AB is just so amazing.

AB can also play the guitar and he's a singer. He's even released a single to prove it, and plans to release an album in the near future if he can. He wants to have a singing career when he retires from cricket, just to keep up the brilliance.

Sound like a huge list of achievements? It is. But humble AB believes it is all the work of Jesus. According to him, "Jesus is the man" and all his success is due to Jesus. His faith means more to him than playing for his country. He's a good, honest, religious man. His favourite book is also the Bible, and he gets weird when I talk about Albie. AB is also a positive person, and has invented a motto which describes his attitude to life: "Stay sharp!" He's just so positive all the time, and proud to be a Protea.

So after all that, is it possible to actually like AB? The guy is so effortlessly perfect at everything it begins to grind at your nerves. How do the other players stand being around him? You'd automatically feel like a failure, if it weren't for AB constantly encouraging you to stay sharp and maintaining his personality as a nice person constantly. Some players have nothing, but AB has everything. He has no weakness, he's just good at everything that comes his way. He could probably learn to fly a plane in two days.

You can't like him.

But when AB gets caught in a strip club, like our good old PM, then we'll talk. It does wonders for your likeability factor.


Chris said...

I agree. I can't stand him. It's not the way most people would think. Maybe only aussies huh?

Amy said...

Hey, maybe. I know plenty of other Aussies who'd think that way. People would accredit it to tall poppy syndrome, but it's something more to do with battlers and underdogs.

I suppose others may be happy to just love an irritatingly perfect player. I want some more character.

richie_141 said...

It just feels more worthwhile to be in awe of someone's abilities when they at least pretend to try. I get the feeling AB just wakes up perfect. I dunno, maybe he's worked super hard everyday of his life, but I'm just not feeling it...

And I'm so not fooled by the 'by the grace of god' routine he's got going. He knows he's bloody good, and we know it, and it shits me!

Amy said...

Exactly. I want to see more blood and guts in his efforts to make it to the big time. Like so many other players out there.

I mean, Mike Hussey was seemingly perfect in his first few years of international cricket, but he'd spent over a decade working to get there.

Damith S. said...

AB reminds me of Barney from How I met your mother, I bet AB goes to bed sleeping in a suit just so he wakes up looking good to answer the door to hot neighbors who need sugar in the middle of the night.

Amy said...

Hahaha, I love Barney. And NPH.

AB probably subsitutes the suit with priestly robes.

Anonymous said...

im aussie and i happen to LOVE his perfectness.
and you know what...both his batting and fielding send me into orgasm.

richie_141 said...

Well, you can have him

Esra_Star said...

AB on cricket talent alone is pretty impressive, and yeah he's not ugly. But still no one is THAT perfect! He'd be one of those kids at school, who never studied but got full marks in everything. Can we blame religion?

Amy said...

Anon, but doesn't it piss you off just a little that's he so smarmily good at everything? It would be great if there was something he couldn't do.

Esra, well, I'd like to.

Crystal said...

And he tries to bowl as well. His best bowling figures (for a test) being 2/49 off 21 overs vs West Indies in 2005 (although he has bowled recently for the Titans) and he went on to score 114 in the same game.

Although according to him he has "worked really hard" on his game of late - I wonder if this is true or if he's just saying this so we all think that actually tries.

achettup said...

Indeed perfection is just one of the attributes that are considered when selecting our "very own." We do not however tend to look at matters outside cricket, hence while we might adopt AB the cricketer as our very own, we have no complaints if others choose to hate AB the person.

Amy said...

That's what everyone says before AB decides he can bowl well too.

Anonymous said...

In answer to your question Amy, no, it just makes me love him more.
There are some things he can't do - he says he can't cook. Does that bring you any satisfaction?

Amy said...

Jacques Kallis can't cook either. I wonder who makes all his chicken pasta.