England's Worst Nightmares Come True

Phil Hughes has been keeping notes on England's bowlers... and Andrew Strauss.

Already, national selectors are crying out in outrage, demanding Middlesex hire a hitman to get rid of Hughes before he gets to the WAG training camp and passes on this secret information to Ponting. The ECB had dispatched Andre Nel to do the dirty work for them, but he failed, having had an attack of the Gunther which rendered him unable to come within 5 metres of Phil Hughes without being repelled by a powerful magnetic force.

So it's up to Middlesex, or this little fellow will be spilling the beans in a highly competitive Ashes year. Because England's fears weren't irrational from the start, right? Clearly Middlesex were out to fuck up the national team's chances of beating Australia.

From SMH, in an article which slightly takes the piss out of the poms:

"I'll be talking to the boys about a few things that happened over there. The second championship game we played, I got to meet him [Strauss] a couple of days before the game, and then we got to bat together for nearly a whole day. We spent a fair bit of time together."

You see that? He'll be talking to the boys. Better get him in a "freak accident" on the banana farm before it's too late.

"Thing is, though, and no one has even mentioned it, I batted with him for so long, I got the chance to look at him, too."

The only question that remains is, when will Geoff Miller get on Middlesex's case about this if he hears about it? And will the Wing Commander come out with a few comments of his own relating to having observed Hughes for a lengthy period of time? Questions, questions, questions.

Also, be sure to catch the interview with Phil on Sunday Night. I saw the previews for it and it looks horrifying.

Topless Albie

As per a request/dare from the ominous Anonymous. I assure you folks, I don't do this sort of thing regularly, I take my cricket incredibly seriously as you will soon find out. But if you ask, I deliver. Purely selfless:

Hahaha, I'm just fucking with you guys. Albie's in that pic alright, probably the one on the right although I couldn't say, having not seen him from such an angle before.

This is the real deal:

There were a few others, but this is the only one in which his chest was unobscured (which I believe is the sole condition of the challenge) save for a watermark. And in the other one, Andre Nel was in the background. So I just... okay. Not going to talk about it.

At least you can laugh at the ranga in this one. That's always a positive.

The Most Horrifying Albie & Gunther Moment Ever

You cannot even begin to comprehend just how horrifying this is. There is no part of me that doesn't look at this and immediately want to go into hiding in a remote area of South America. It's just beyond sickening to look at these photos of Andre Nel and Albie Morkel FROLICKING in the sea.

Just look at that. Doesn't a small part of your soul die when you look at it?

From one of Albie's earlier tours to New Zealand in March 2004:

I'm just... going to disappear now. That has scarred me for life. Gunther taking advantage of a young Albie. WHAT IS GOING ON?

How is Phil doing?

In the two one-day matches he has played for Middlesex, little Phillip has scored a total of 18 runs. 7 in one, and 11 in the other, falling to Andre Nel. Aside from the fact that this proves my theory that England have hired the services of Gunther to kill Phil before the Ashes, there are a few people beginning to call his limited over skills "mediocre".

Clearly they've never seen him play anything but Test matches before.

To get to where he is, Phil has played a number of one-day matches for NSW, 21 in fact. He averages close to 40 in these, and while he hasn't scored a century which is understandable, he has converted about a quarter of his total chances into half centuries or more. When I spent a few months down in Melbourne a few years ago, I once watched him, at the age of 18, hit 68 in a match in which the Bushrangers crushed the Blues. That same match, he volunteered to be wicketkeeper for about 10 overs after Haddin was hurt, and he did a good job. That also happened to be his debut one-day match. After an excruciatingly long losing streak by the Blues, even the loss that day wasn't quite so bad because it was clear Phil Hughes would one day grow up to be able to do anything.

In any case, he's suited to the longer form of the game. We all know that, it's what he's been primed for in the last few years. And that's where he continues to succeed immeasurably. As for his one-day career, it's still fairly short as of yet and there's a good many years left in Phil to succeed even in that format of the game.

So he's not worried. I am, but only because Gunther's coming to get him, and that's an entirely separate matter altogether.

"Worried? Nah. I'm going to kick ass."

Gunther the Kind Beast

I wish I had been watching the Middlesex vs. Surrey match, because the most perfect thing happened and I cannot even begin to imagine how great if would have been if I'd seen this with my own eyes.

While Phillip was waving around his bat, hitting all the bowlers for boundaries wherever they went, Andre Nel was having a little sentimental moment too:

Soon after completing his third hundred in only four championship innings, from 126 balls, Hughes stepped away to leg to flay André Nel through the covers for his nineteenth boundary. Then he twice pulled him for four, with quite remarkable power for one so slight. It was contemptuous batting and Nel's response was a high full toss that brought a protest from Hughes, and an apology from the former South Africa bowler.

Keep in mind, bowling a high full toss at Phil is a bit like bowling to a 10 year old. Sounds okay, right? But you've yet to see the worst of it:

At the end of the over, too, Nel approached Hughes and put an arm around his shoulder.

AHHHHHH. That is the only appropriate response to a horrifying event like this.

My only explanation is that the English have hired Gunther to assassinate Phil before the Ashes. I vote for an ex-army general to follow Phil around at all costs and protect him from the evil plans of our enemies.

Putting his arm around Phil is just the precursor to something much worse, Buffalo Bill-style.

"It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Yes it does, Precious.

Reasons You Will Hate AB

So I ripped that title off a friend of mine, but it's time to talk AB.

Achettup loves AB. He has adopted AB as his very own.

I am shocked. Shocked is what I am. Because it is almost impossible to like AB that much, he's just too damn perfect. He's like that person everyone knows who excels in a million different areas effortlessly, while others have to dedicate themselves to this one thing and really earn it. And to top it off, he's humble and accredits it all to God.

Fuck that shit. I know I'm not the only person who gets irritated by that, and people will say "you're just jealous" and "stop whining he's awesome" but no, I don't know how anyone can stand AB.

If the guy were just a class batsmen, that would be enough. Watching AB bat probably sends half his fans into orgasm. You know what, throw in his excellent fielding and that will be enough.

But no, AB is also a decent wicketkeeper. He doesn't want to be one, of course, he wants to be the No. 1 batsman in the world. And he's 25. If he keeps it up, he actually will become the No. 1 batsman in the world, and the best fielder to boot. Jonty Rhodes himself has described AB as one of the 4 best fielders in the world.

Half his fans, while they try to pass it off as strokeplay, love him for his appearance. Because AB is actually a good looking player. After watching Jacques Kallis bat for a bit, people are crying for a look at AB. He wears pink bandanas and passes it off, and according to Morne Morkel, AB spends a lot of his time in front of the mirror. According to schizophrenic Andre, AB is the best dressed South African cricketer.

That's not it, because AB has more left in him. He also plays golf, rugby and tennis and would no doubt have had a successful career in one of those, but he chose to play cricket. What a relief. And he played 78 Test innings before he was out for a duck. So for 78 Test innings, AB contributed to his team's score. He was a real player. That 78 is the record, by the way. AB is just so amazing.

AB can also play the guitar and he's a singer. He's even released a single to prove it, and plans to release an album in the near future if he can. He wants to have a singing career when he retires from cricket, just to keep up the brilliance.

Sound like a huge list of achievements? It is. But humble AB believes it is all the work of Jesus. According to him, "Jesus is the man" and all his success is due to Jesus. His faith means more to him than playing for his country. He's a good, honest, religious man. His favourite book is also the Bible, and he gets weird when I talk about Albie. AB is also a positive person, and has invented a motto which describes his attitude to life: "Stay sharp!" He's just so positive all the time, and proud to be a Protea.

So after all that, is it possible to actually like AB? The guy is so effortlessly perfect at everything it begins to grind at your nerves. How do the other players stand being around him? You'd automatically feel like a failure, if it weren't for AB constantly encouraging you to stay sharp and maintaining his personality as a nice person constantly. Some players have nothing, but AB has everything. He has no weakness, he's just good at everything that comes his way. He could probably learn to fly a plane in two days.

You can't like him.

But when AB gets caught in a strip club, like our good old PM, then we'll talk. It does wonders for your likeability factor.

Steyn on KP's mood swings

Somehow, Dale Steyn has managed to provide some form of praise for Kevin Pietersen, but also slip in a comment about KP's "mood swings". He told Cricinfo

"He [Pietersen] leads from the front always. That is a great strength of his. I don't know him at all. I have played against him but I still don't know what kind of a man he is, what kind of mood swings he has, but it is going to be interesting and we are going to have to find our feet quickly."

Steyn obviously doesn't know that if you've played on the same team as Andre Nel, you've seen it all. It's funny that he's expecting KP to have mood swings, however.

Maybe he's just using the term incorrectly, and he doesn't mean mood swings at all.

OOPS, MOOD SWING.

Right about now, it seems to have actually hit home that KP is going to be captaining the Bangalore Royal Challengers. Should be amusing to watch the team SELF-DESTRUCT. At least, I hope they do under his captaincy.

Andre Nel & Gunther happy in England

Andre's talking about Gunther again. Surrey are excited. This is exactly what they were hoping for, a resurgence in Gunther. Other counties are already quivering in their boots.

Andre told the BBC:

"You could see the way South Africa were thinking that I wasn't going to get a chance. You can't sit around wanting to play for your country. This is the best decision for my family and career. It was a big decision to make to retire from international cricket but it's probably the right time for me to move on and start somewhere else. I can't wait to get started now."

Not very scary, but then he starts talking Gunther:

"Gunther's doing quite well. He's calmed down a lot but I think he'll come out a few times during the season to entertain people."

Andre will flick a switch, and out pops Gunther. It's like being permanently pregnant with a psychotic maniac. That wants to entertain people.

Gunther, not Andre.

Interview with Andre Nel & AB de Villiers

I stumbled across a gem. Don't be fooled by the terrifying picture of AB at the top of the page. The interview is hilarious. I have no idea why you would voluntarily choose Andre Nel to be the subject of the interview. Gunther might unveil himself at any moment and finish you off. Nevertheless, this was a brave soul who dared interview Andre and AB, with hilarious results...

SPIN: AB, do you identify with other people known by their initials? Can you name any?
AB: Um, no. I can’t think of any.
SPIN: You know… WG Grace, AJP Taylor…
AB: Oh, right. Yeah, there are a couple I guess… No, I can’t say I’ve ever thought of it like that.

Aside from the fact that's it's a highly amusing question, try to imagine AB saying all of that with a South African accent. It makes it more funny.

SPIN: What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in the dressing-room?
Nel: There was a fines meeting a little while back where a few of us were too drunk to speak. That was pretty funny.
AB: Paul Harris had a fight with Jacques Kallis and Mark Boucher one day in India. It was only fun, but it got a bit messy. I probably shouldn’t go into details, but it’s fair to say they made his clothes really, really dirty, if you know what I mean.

I don't really know what AB means, but from the way he's saying it, I'm imagining something really disturbing. Maybe AB is using the "if you know what I mean" tag for something that isn't quite so bad. I hope so, because the other alternative is sickening.

SPIN: I’ve no idea, but think I’d probably prefer to keep it that way. How do you relax?
AB: I like to play the guitar. I play anything from Snow Patrol to Counting Crows. I play golf and read, too.
Nel: Music and fishing.

Watch AB slip in a few references to his amazing musical abilities. He plays golf and reads too. Not reading! Why, he's a jack of all trades.

SPIN: What sort of fishing?
Nel: Is this interview about fishing? All sorts of fishing.

Careful now, Gunther's stirring.

SPIN: What was the last CD you bought?
AB: I haven’t bought one for a while. Maybe Snow Patrol.
Nel: The Goo Goo Dolls.

Andre is hilarious. AB's going to be thrilled to see Snow Patrol at the IPL. Damn.

SPIN: What would you put on eBay?
AB: My broken bats. I could get a few signatures and sell a few of them.

Sounds like you've been thinking about that one for a while now, AB.

SPIN: how much do you spend on your hair?
Nel: Have you seen my hair? [removes hat].
SPIN: Not much, then.
Nel: Not much.
AB: I don’t spend anything on mine. I go and see a girl back home who does it for free. I don’t know why; the first time I came in she didn’t charge me so I keep going back. She’s a big cricket fan.

Laughed so hard at Andre's response.
As for AB, what the fuck? That is just the weirdest thing to do. What a prick. How about you pay the girl, for fuck's sake? Way to exploit your fans. This is like consistently eating all your meals at a soup kitchen when you have the money.

SPIN: Do you have a non-cricket skill that would surprise us?
Nel: I’m a qualified accountant. And you’d be surprised at how much I can drink. I mean, I can really drink.
AB: Maybe my guitaring. I write a few songs. It might be something I look at doing when I retire. You know, use any name I’ve made in cricket to try and make it in music.

I love Andre's skill. I wonder if he said that in a menacing voice.
And AB, that's never going to happen. I hope he never retires so nobody will be subjected to the horror of him singing for a living.

SPIN: You seem a bit, um, passionate for an accountant…
Nel: I’d be exactly the same. What you see out on the pitch 
is what I am. It’s not put on at all. I’m a passionate person. It’s like I flick a switch. People say 
it must be hard to live with 
me, but I find it easy to turn it on and off.

Best insight into Andre's craziness ever. He just flicks a switch and goes absolutely mad. I can't imagine a passionate accountant, however. Would he attack your receipts in a frenzy?

SPIN: Who are the best and worst dressed men in cricket?
AB: Jacques Kallis is the worst. So, so plain. But his girlfriend is a model and she’s helping him. He’s getting better.
Nel: Jacques is bad. The worst by far. Nothing matches. AB is one of the best. And Mark Boucher and Herschelle Gibbs are good, too.

I love how AB is so fashionable that Jacques' clothing style seems to throw him off completely. According to AB, Jacques is a fashion charity case.

SPIN: What would you cook if we came round Nel/AB Towers for dinner?
Nel: Spaghetti Bolognese. I love cooking.

Cooking With Gunther - the perfect midday TV show.

SPIN: Which three people, real or fictional, would you take on a big night out?
Nel: Mr Nelson Mandela. I’ve met him a couple of times and it was an unbelievable experience on both occasions; the most amazing moment of my life. He talked for a long time and let us take pictures. He’s a great gentleman. [‘Glamour’ ‘model’] Carmen Electra would have to be there, too. It’s pretty obvious why, isn’t it? And George Bush. I’d just want to ask him: ‘Why, George, why?’

Why, George, why?
And Nelson Mandela would only let you take pictures until you went Gunther on him.

SPIN: Do you think he and Carmen would get on well?
Nel: Probably, yes. Maybe they’d get together.
AB: I’d have Tiger Woods, Nelson Mandela and Kate Beckinsale. You have to have a woman there, don’t you?

He's said this before. It's his stock standard response, and he probably thinks he'll get to meet these people. I hope he never does.

Did Andre Nel just say George Bush and Carmen Electra might "get together"?

Andre Nel Retires

Yesterday, Andre Nel announced his retirement from international cricket. Best known for being the only criminally insane psychopath to be allowed to play for his country, the schizophrenic Nel has backtracked to live up to the madman-turned-saint-upon-retirement cliché that was most recently seen after Matthew Hayden's retirement.

"It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from international cricket. Playing for my country for the last eight years was a dream come true for me. I would like to thank my captain, Graeme Smith, and my coaches, Mickey Arthur and Vinnie Barnes, and all my Proteas' teammates for their support and guidance."

Technically, he's only played 7 years, since his last matches for SA were in England last year. But we'll forgive him the mistake. After all, he's a nice person now.

He helps his team mates when they're feeling down...

And makes funny faces to mask his evilness.

He lets his team mates jump on him for fun.

And gives good jaw-clenched hugs to the needy.

If you cannot see the kindness now, you never will. It's a simple concept: Gunther is the evil one, Andre's the normal one - the certified accountant.

Gunther is coming to get you.

Andre's pretty thankful to a couple of other fellows:

"A special thanks to my two biggest mentors, Ray Jennings and Shaun Pollock. Without your advice and influence I would not have made it as far as I did."

Ah, Shaun Pollock, the traitorous ex-fast bowler who decided that medium-fast was good enough. He of the ginger head. Yes, I remember. Pollock's retirement speech was bollocks (sorry, couldn't resist):

"I realise I have been blessed by God and feel I have nurtured my talents to the best of my abilities."

Sounds fulfilling.

Cricket South Africa's CEO Gerald Majola was quick to assert himself as the master and Andre as the slave:

"He has been a good servant to South African cricket and I wish him all the best."

"That last part is a lie. I hope Gunther takes over his brain and blows up the whites."

Mickey Arthur is under the impression Andre was "a passionate player who always gave 110% for his country". Where does the extra 10% come from? Gunther? Or Nel's facial expressions?

But this isn't the end of Andre Nel, as he's contracted to play for Surrey in the English county season. Graeme Smith is so confused from tennis elbow that he interpreted this as Andre moving to England to play international cricket for them. He sought out Andre and had a verbal sparring match with him:

Graeme: How could you, Gunther! You're more treacherous than Kevin!

Andre: ARGH!!! I am Gunther!!!

Graeme: You're slating South Africa!

Andre: You're an absolute muppet, Graeme.

You can't escape the muppets, Graeme.

Graeme: I never want to see you on the field again!

Andre: ...You won't. But you'll be seeing GUNTHER again.

Surrey appears to be looking to boost their ranks by having an evil mastermind in their midst. They'll be hoping Gunther is coming down from his oxygen-deprived home in the mountains for a holiday, because they'll be needing his expertise in the field.

"Madness? I AM GUNTHER!!!"