The Perks of Being a Commentator

Anyone who knows what the title of this post is a reference to gets brownie points for being awesome.

I have often noticed that commentators, in all their retired glory, don't seem to find the actual commenting on cricket aspect of their job all that appealing, but rather, they prefer the more creative part. It lets them experiment, go wild, get their brains churning, etc.

I am, of course, referring to the nondescript commentary they provide on what is going on in the brains of the cricketers. You'd think half these men gave up their dream of being script writers from the marvellous and extensive thoughts they invent for the players. Thankfully, having retired from the game and secured a commentary position with a top notch broadcaster, they're free to pursue their long lost dreams in which they provide the voices for the puppets on the field.

In fact, they practically shit themselves when the captain walks up to his bowler and has a nice long chat with him. "Brilliant!" the commentators exclaim. "What might they be saying? Ah, I know..." At which point he proceeds to describe in painfully boring detail what the on-field conversation is. Sometimes they come up with thoughts/dialogue for the players that are outlandishly far-fetched, turning a slightly grim expression into an "OH NOEZ!!!!1!!! WE R FCUKED!!!" But it's all part of the job, really. Having unnecessarily translated a facial expression or conversation for audiences around the world, the men at the helm smile to themselves contently. The world is a better place with everyone knowing just what you think is going on in Chris Gayle's head.

Sometimes, I listen to their imaginings of conversations and I think, if they're going to offer something up, why not make it wonderfully interesting? Why not tell listeners that the reason Vettori is looking so unhappy out there is because he's cheating on his wife with Baz? If I were offered the opportunity to deliver such truths to listeners, I wouldn't stop at anything. I would exercise creative license to turn a word of congratulations between players on opposing teams into reason for calling them out on match-fixing or batting for the wrong side, and literally this time.

Unfortunately, all we have is a bunch of smug old men inventing a completely unfunny line of dialogue for Sehwag and then chuckling at their own cleverness. The power of commentating, if it rested in other hands, could be put to better use.

Dhoni denies rift rumours, entire team in tow

On Friday, the entire Indian World T20 team turned up to a news conference and squash themselves onto the podium in order to deliver a one minute statement regarding the "unity" of the team.

The video is here. It is highly amusing. You can't help but feel that even the team members know just how ridiculous they look standing up there. Dhoni appears to be trying not to laugh before he begins a short statement denying rumours of a rift between him and Sehwag.

I wonder just how much attention this supposed rift has been receiving in India for the team to actually come out and deny it. And for management to cart everyone into a news conference specifically for this purpose.

AB tries to be more like Sehwag

The cunning bastard. So much for his game plan being to give himself 20 balls to get into the game before firing, as he so honestly told me, apparently he wants to steal some of Sehwag's success with his "Watch ball, hit ball" campaign.

In a recent interview, AB does a 180 and pretends he never had that game plan he has often talked about. Instead, he's paraphrasing Sehwag's genius:

What is the gameplan?
It's not difficult. See the ball and hit it.

Last I checked, "see the ball and hit it" is a lot like "watch ball, hit ball". Just look at AB go. The little devil.

Next thing you know, AB's going to be saying he visualises songs when he's at the crease, just like good old Sehwag.

I'm onto AB.

Albie Damon

On Cricinfo, there is an article in the Page 2 section which caught my eye for one small reason:

The IPL movie has apparently assembled a star-studded ensemble cast, and will feature Shah Rukh Khan as Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta as Preity Zinta, Aamir Khan as Gautam Gambhir, Vladimir Putin as Nasser Hussain, John C Reilly as Virender Sehwag, Matt Damon as Albie Morkel, and Kamal Hassan as everyone else. The music will, thankfully, not be scored by Sivamani.

I think the actor for Sehwag is particularly apt. Sometimes I get them confused.

But Matt Damon as Albie Morkel? That isn't even funny in my nightmares.

Mumbai vs. Delhi

The question is not who will win, it's who do I want to win? Do I go with Mumbai, the relatively nice team (because I cannot put it any other way), chock full of performers who haven't exactly performed lately but who could easily do so.

Or do I go with the very literal powerhouse Delhi? They're undoubtedly an extremely strong team and every aspect of their play holds up, including their fielding although I won't mention why.

It's a tough decision. On the one hand, MI has good players who are mostly classy and not so arrogant. But Delhi has grit and passion, and spectacular shows of both bat and ball. Thinking tactically, it would be better if MI won, because that would mean Delhi could stay away from top spot a little longer. It's quite disconcerting having them up there. But really, I did once consider whether DD should be my secondary team, and I think that if we want some bloody good entertainment, it's Delhi we should go for.

Mumbai have Tendulkar, Jayasuriya, Duminy, Harbhajan, Malinga, and a good half dozen more. Most of those names aren't associated with explosions.

Delhi have Sehwag, Gambhir, AB de Villiers, Dilshan, Dirk, and hopefully Dan the Man over David Warner, although I do love the latter. Not to mention McGrath on the sidelines. Most of those names are associated with explosions. That's what we want to see in T20. Explosions of any kind, barring brain explosions, which I despise from the bottom of my heart.

So after all this, which team is it? Seeing as I'm not exactly affiliated with any IPL team through geographical location, it really is a matter of wanting certain players (and therefore their teams) to go through, as I'm sure anyone outside of India can vouch for. I mean, I'm not from Chennai, but they have a few players I'd like to see in the finals, so that's how it goes.

Meanwhile, when I weigh up the players in Mumbai against Delhi, there's no doubt about it, Delhi wins. What to do? What to do? My head says no, but my desire to watch some great players shine says yes.

Delhi it is, then. But I won't be too shattered if Mumbai win. That would be a better result anyway.

Sehwag: Watch ball, hit ball

Sehwag is a genius. Note the following exchange:

Colly: 'What's going on technically in your mind when the bowler's running in? Are you saying, I've got to get this right?'

Sehwag: 'No, no, no, watch ball, hit ball.'

Best method ever?

You may say yes, but in order to be able to focus so intently and simply "watch ball, hit ball" you need to have an uncluttered mind. Here is where the real genius kicks in. Apparently Sehwag sings songs to himself:

"I want my mind to be absolutely free while facing up to a bowler. I try to hum songs, Sai Baba bhajans and Kishore Kumar songs, especially those pictured on Amitabh Bachchan till the bowler is about to deliver.

I then tell myself: watch it. I try to sing songs as perfectly as possible in order to keep my mind completely uncluttered."

I bet he didn't tell Colly that.

Watch man, hit man.

I'd be really interested in knowing exactly what kind of songs those are.

Tonight's Matches

If I weren't backing one team out of the four playing team, I imagine both matches would seem boring. As it turns out, I want CSK to win and so I am interested in the second match. The first however... Deccan Chargers vs. Rajasthan Royals. You know, it might be great, but it could also be a complete pushover.

I think perhaps Kamran Khan will be out due to injury? Not sure how serious that injury was, but it did look painful enough.

And apparently Sehwag is also out because of the finger injury. I think Ryan Campbell had a go at Indian cricketers and said something like "He was pretty quick to leave the field as soon as it touched his finger". Little does Campbell know it was all a conspiracy, and Delhi had planned beforehand to fake an injury and bring David Warner on as a substitute fielder so he could orchestrate more dismissals. Bastards.

Okay, so they didn't fake it. I think he had to get stitches. If he isn't playing, the gap in the side isn't going to be all too big, to be honest. Another talented cricketer will just crawl slimily into his place and fix the gap.

Chennai have won a match after Freddie left. His services weren't so desperately valuable after all. On the Nasser Hussain comment, it's quite peeved me off because for one, I've never understood the merit in the "so you want to have your cake and eat it too?" argument. Because yes, if I have my goddamn cake I'd like to eat the fucking thing. Wouldn't you? It would be real scrumdiddlyumptious. I'm sure Willy Wonka would agree. That man would never let a travesty such as having a cake and not eating it occur.

Alright then, moving away from strange analogies and expressions. Apparently there's one sport that Australians can beat the saffas at. Go Waratahs.

Can Chennai do it?

It's almost a rematch but nobody can take AB's hundred away from him.

Chennai vs. Delhi.

AB is now the third highest scoring batsman in the competition, last I checked. I might have changed since then, I couldn't care less. He's in the top 5 with a bunch of legendary batsmen. I bet Jesus made it happen.

Albie is looking in form after that last match. He could barely hit a four in that match where he desperately needed to, but last match he was able to get one off his first and only ball. Then he went on to bowl superbly as well. Tonight might be his night.

CSK's chances of winning will be a whole lot higher if Sehwag and Gambhir have yet another brain explosion early on in the innings. What are the chances of them failing again?

I'm just looking forward to seeing Albie take AB's wicket as revenge.

Rajasthan looking mighty again

On a day when everyone was making tasteless jokes about the swine flu, and swines were running in terror from butchers, the real swines came out and showed us how it's done. After an achievable 143 from Delhi, including AB doing his usual thing of being effortlessly good in every situation and hitting a 50, Graeme Smith oinked his way to 44 from 46 balls.

Everyone collapsed around him, save for King Kong, who came out to join his curly-tailed pink friend. The contrast was massive. Graeme was really feeling the fat getting in the way, as he waddled slowly to get to his slow 44 in true swine style. King Kong, meanwhile, was more interested in punishing Delhi's bowlers. Punish, punish, punish, with a 62 off 30 balls. What's that, Pathan would say, are you bowling a doosra? I saw that. And to punish you, I'm sending that away for a 6. Bang, down gave the gavel, the judge had made his decision.

If you want some real stats, you'll be interested to know King Kong hit 1 in every 5 balls for a six. What's that? FUCKING AWESOME? I agree. It was getting so bad for Graeme down the other end, he had to have a little chat with King about the importance of playing slowly and not trying to steal the limelight, playing for the team not for your own glory, etc.

"Now now, Yusuf, no need to be reckless. I'm the more senior player here, I think you should slow down and save face for me. Me being the team."

King Kong didn't listen. Who's the swine now? he cackled, as he sent another one over the boundary rope and drove Daniel Vettori to tears.

It wasn't Dan's day with the ball, unfortunately. But he had a cracker of a day with the bat. 29 off 28, matching AB every step of the partnership. That was the best part of it. Showing AB he wasn't the only one with magic powers, although Dan's are more of the Avada Kedavra kind. During his stint at the crease, Dan was angry. Argh angry, and not like a pirate, but like a dog that's just been shot up the ass.

"ARGH! FURY! I'M MAKING A SPECTACLE WITH MY SPECTACLES."

Very punny, Dan. Don't you agree?

Ultimately, King Kong rules the night, although Munaf Patel did some extremely good stuff in his 4 overs which only went for 14. He even picked up 2 wickets, including our favourite Kiwi skipper's. Sehwag and Gambhir were out of it the whole time, and they have been this entire tournament. A hard night partying with the ladies and drinking contests with Jesse Ryder are to blame this time, but last time, their failure can be accounted to wanting to get off the field fast after an overdose of Viagra to impress the cheerleaders. Needless to say, the cheerleaders weren't impressed with Gambhir, and had to pretend to be interested in Sehwag, before booting them both onto the field for a bat. Failures.

AB was disappointed with his performance. Only 1 six. Disgusting. 50 off 40 balls? Equally as disgusting. He was destined for a century if the umpires hadn't been such massive gits, and if Warnie hadn't appealed. So when Warnie himself was gotten out for a duck in the Royals' innings, AB had a little laugh and smirked to the leggie's face. Take that, Warne. AB had his revenge. He also ensured his captain didn't get many away so AB could remain the top scoring saffa in the match. It's the little things in life which please AB.

See that expression on AB's face? I do. He can't hide his secret glee.

A little trans-Tasman love

I want New Zealand to win.
In Australia, it is highly inappropriate to want New Zealand to win. We try to keep our neighbours firmly underfoot.
But it is even more inappropriate to want India to win, after the horrendous summer of monkeys. Although, deviating from the stereotype, most Australians supported the Indians then.

The fact is, though, New Zealand won't win this match. On the 3rd day of play, India are leading by 250 runs with 9 wickets to spare. Sehwag is out, but that's barely a dent in the Indian batting line-up. They're like zombies. You kill one, but then a new wave replaces it immediately. You can't fight the zombies.

Meanwhile, Gambhir is motoring away nicely.
Dravid has hit 9 off 59 balls. Don't even ask.
India will easily widen this deficit throughout the course of the day's play.
The best New Zealand can hope for is a draw, and even that will require marvellous feats of dead boring blocking and stalling at the crease.
But they won't win the match.

Nevertheless, in a show of much needed trans-Tasman love, I will support New Zealand to the end. The very end. So from this point on, I will only post about how NZ will win the match. And that's win, not draw.

Someone has to bridge the ties between our two countries.

Delhi Daredevils the "most balanced team"

I have been neglecting these fellows. But all you need to do to grab my interest is say something that sounds exaggerated in the slightest and I will be running as fast as my legs can allow to see what's going on.

TA Sekar, the DDD Manager, has said:

"Delhi Daredevils walk into the IPL with probably the most balanced combination."

This piqued my interest. Have I been lording over the other IPL teams with my support for Chennai? The answer is actually no. I am supporting the side that has an incredibly good chance of winning, but maybe I should second another team. Have an underdog side I'm supporting. Last year it was Kings XI Punjab, but they're looking shaky this year and besides, I'm just not in the mood to support them.

But Delhi. That's an interesting proposition.
They have Sehwag and Gambhir as openers. You can't fight with that, it's like the power couple of Indian openers.
Dilshan Tillakaratne. He did well last year.
AB de Villiers. Might convert Dilshan to Christianity.
Daniel Vettori. His glasses alone have the power to rock Sreesanth off his crazy horse.
Glenn McGrath, and he's said he'll be able to concentrate better on this year's IPL anyway.

And then there's the new players. The Delhi Daredevils picked up:
David Warner.
Dirk Nannes.
Those last two names are icing on the cake for T20.
And Andrew McDonald. I only mention this name because I reckon he'll be shit. His hair will attract cricket balls and tempt batsmen to thump balls at his head. However, I stand to be corrected if McDonald does turn out to do well.
They also secured Paul Collingwood and Owais Shah.

That's a pretty strong team.

India bites back - barely

After a terrifying 190 for 5 at tea, India fought back to end the day at 375 for 9. It's not brilliant, because we've yet to see what happens next, but it's a definite improvement. A much needed one. Highlights of the day were Tendulkar hitting 62, a 48 (off 51 balls) for Sehwag, Iain O'Brien's crucial wicket in his second over, and India's slightly hilarious mini-collapse after lunch, losing 3 wickets in the space of 17 runs. You gotta love Test cricket, especially with the prospect of another exciting 4 days on the calendar. Whoever said Test cricket would die out with the advent of T20 was sadly mistaken.

Dan Vettori made the decision to bowl first, and although Sehwag and Gambhir's antics at first made it seem as though this was a bad idea, it paid off in the middle session, before things began looking a little wayward towards the end again.

Tomorrow's another day of cricket. Excellent.