Topless Albie

As per a request/dare from the ominous Anonymous. I assure you folks, I don't do this sort of thing regularly, I take my cricket incredibly seriously as you will soon find out. But if you ask, I deliver. Purely selfless:

Hahaha, I'm just fucking with you guys. Albie's in that pic alright, probably the one on the right although I couldn't say, having not seen him from such an angle before.

This is the real deal:

There were a few others, but this is the only one in which his chest was unobscured (which I believe is the sole condition of the challenge) save for a watermark. And in the other one, Andre Nel was in the background. So I just... okay. Not going to talk about it.

At least you can laugh at the ranga in this one. That's always a positive.

Mark Boucher's Website

Yes, you knew it. Let me be honest from the get go here and say that Mark's website is a hell of a lot better than AB's or Jacques'. Especially Jacques'. I didn't laugh at Mark anywhere near as much as I laughed at the others, but there were still plenty of laughs to be had from his website. Plenty.

Mark is quite open about the fact that someone manages his website for him. It is a lady by the name of Kendra who is responsible for forwarding fan mail and questions to him. The site reveals more, such as the fact that AB got the idea for "Ask AB" from Mark, and in fact, the idea for having a website at all from Mark.

Mark is possibly the most normal senior member of the SA cricket team. He doesn't have crazy superstitions, isn't a muppet, doesn't seem to be lacking in brain cells, isn't a crazy religious junkie, hasn't raped anyone yet by my count, isn't tempted by the prospect of taking drugs while on an away tour, so I'd say this all equates to him being the most "normal" senior member of the team.

The About page is quite interesting. The first photo is of Mark as a, let's face it, fat child. He's a cute kid, but I appear to be looking directly at a growing beer belly in the photo.

The caption reads "Mark wearing his favourite Heidi t-shirt"

The About page has a lot of quotes from various people about how Mark is the best wicketkeeper South Africa has ever had, and related things. It also speaks of many records Mark has broken. At least he isn't simply unflappable and selflessly able to spend hours at the crease like Jacques Kallis.

But there's a very interesting comment on the page:

Boucher showed his leadership qualities when he talked to Herschelle Gibbs and got him to tell the truth about his match fixing.

...What? Is this The Mark Show or something? Why is he calling out Gibbs on this? As it turns out, this isn't the first example of Mark taking the moral high ground over people like Gibbs. he does it several times in other places too.

The Mark Show continues a little while later, at the expense of Shaun Pollock and Graeme Smith:

[He] led the team in tests four times. These matches included a victory over Australia, an achievement which neither Pollock nor current captain Graeme Smith can boast of.

This is a very 'ha ha I beat you' approach to take to a team member. If Graeme ever reads this, he's going to morph into a muppet and kill Mark.

Which one is Graeme?

Then there's a description of Mark which is hilarious:

He is well known for his tough, 'Australian-like' approach to the game and it has been said that he steps onto a cricket field like he owns it.

Funny, I've never noticed that before. I wonder who supposedly said it. And is acting like an Australian dickhead suddenly the new cool in cricket? I thought it induced threats of boycotts, not praise.

Like most wicketkeepers, he can often be heard to sledge the opposing team's batsmen. In a test match against Zimbabwe he started sledging Tatenda Taibu, the Zimbabwean wicket-keeper which included Boucher saying 'what's your average!'

Hahaha, good one! Let's really psych them out, Mark! What's your average!

There is even a Did you know? section at the bottom of the page:

• Our national keeper has a Gold award for Afrikaans Poetry in the Grahamstown Eisteddfod.
• Boucher was also a talented athlete having had a budding career as a high jumper.
• His favorite pastime at school was engraving his girl friends names onto the desks at school.
• Boucher broke a bone in his arm in his Matric year while performing a stage dive of historic proportions off a roof while playing a Guns ‘n Roses air guitar at a friend’s party.
• The little scar on his lip is not from some manly bar fight as he might claim but was caused by a nasty encounter with a trolley while racing at the Vincent Park shopping centre!

I don't even know how to respond to these. I love his favourite pasttime, however. Judging by all the list of achievements, however, I would have expected it to be "winning". And I cannot even begin to imagine what the "nasty encounter with a trolley" would entail. How do you even have a nasty encounter with a shopping trolley?

Among other things on Mark's site, there's a Fan Club page, where every week, a different fan is profiled on his site. This week it's Storm Pelser. She has captivating eyes that are similar to Mark Boucher's. And Alistair Cook's. I hope to be next week's fan of the week.

And now we're onto the Ask Mark page. It's the second best part of his site. A lot of it is fan mail, but there are some gems hidden in the Ask Mark section...

Q. During lunch breaks do you actually eat or do something else?
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA

Excellent question, Odette.

Q. Your website is 10,000 times better than AB's except for his videos!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA

Take that, AB! 10,000 times! Mark must be gloating.

Q. Who is your best friend in the team and who is the best bowler?
FROM DANIYAL MARK, PAKISTAN
I have lots of close friends in the team but I suppose I am closest to Jacques as we have played together for so long and live near to each other as well. I couldn't choose one particular bowler as they all have specific talents.

Just when you think he's normal, you find out Jacques is his best friend...

Q. Your sister Che is really gorgeous, please tell her.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
What and give her a big head...don't think so!! Okay I will tell her.

Funniest reply ever. Okay I will tell her.

There is even a follow-on Q&A from a fan named "Leesa Nottle". It begins with her saying this:

Q. My whole family is barracking for you guys. Keep it up know you can beat them in SA!
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Not too sure what barracking is but it sounds like a good thing so thank your family for their support from me.

Q. Barracking means we are supporting you guys. Kick butt in the ODI's.
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Good I thought it sounded worse, thanks for clearing that one up.

Awkward... If I were Mark, I would have just not posted that follow-up comment by Leesa and followed AB's lead in censorship.

Q. Do you like India and it's food. What is your height?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Definitely I love India and it's food. Back home I visit my local curry restaurant often as it is the nearest I get to proper Inidan food. My height is.......

His height is... dun dun DUN. This is more exciting than a James Bond movie.

Q. Is it true that you have retired from the game?
FROM MAVA MAHAMBA, SA
The last time I checked I was still playing. No plans to retire yet.

It's questions like these which make me think he's being far more tongue-in-cheek than AB would or Jacques could ever be.

Q. What is your favourite hobby and why?
FROM ROXY LIGHTFOOT, ZIMBABWE
Hi Roxy, how's it going there in Zim? If you can call Golf a hobby than that is mine.

Mark is so down with it he's abbreviated Zimbabwe. I wonder if Roxy send him a reply telling him how it's going in Zim.

Q. South African team is one of my favourites. What religion are you?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Hi Shikha, thanks for the vote. I am not particularly into any religion more than another but at the moment my religion is cricket!

See, better than AB, if it weren't for the cheesiness.

Q. Is "my boe"t afrikaans..what does it mean?
FROM DASUNI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Hi Dasuni. Firstly I would like to give you my condolences regarding the tragedy that happened at the Lahore stadium. The team and I are horrified and send you all our best wishes during this difficult time. My boet means my brother. Best wishes my boet. Mark

And Mark wins the award for THE most awkward segue ever.

Q. We met you when my son was playing squash at Londt Park. We are so proud of your success.
FROM DOREEN SEABORNE, SA
Hi Doreen, please send my regards to Ryan and thanks a lot for your support over the years.

Creepy. He knows the kid's name

Q. You are the sexiest man alive on planet earth!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
Ha Ha thanks Madiha.
Ha ha, thanks! Madiha is quite the fan.

Q. Good luck and know that I am flying my SA flag high here in Qatar.
FROM CHANEL FLOYD, QATAR
Hi again Chanel...thanks for all your support from over there in Qatar. Hope you don't get into trouble flying another flag.

She will. The Flag Police are onto her.

Q. You are so witty and sweet especially answering all our questions. I'm rooting for you guys.
FROM HARINI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Words can't describe how you must be feeling after the trajedy at Lahore. The boys and I wish you, the team and the country all the best during this nightmare. All the best. Mark

If someone started spouting a spiel about how I'm living in a NIGHTMARE, I'd be terrified. Why does Mark keep making such terrible segues such to express his humanity?

Q. The broadcaster won't show us games so please use your bat to hit him he must be standing nearby.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
That's ridiculous...what's the problem with them? Wish I could help.

Funniest question ever, which explains why Mark had no idea how to reply to that. What's the problem with them?

Q. It's great watching you from Oz. Hope you get on top of this run chase.
FROM JADE HEEPS, AUSTRALIA
So do I!! Thanks for the support from Oz. How about sending us some pics so we can SEE who our Aussie fans are?

He asks for someone else to send photos also. This is getting quite creepy. Soon he'll be demanding young girls send him photos of themselves

Q. Ur always great to watch AB ain't bad either. What's your favourite food?
FROM KING KHAN, UK
Thanks mate. I love sushi.

Wasn't expecting that response...

Q. Just been on AB's site but I love your site more. Don't tell AB. Ha Ha
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA
OOPS.. too late.Hee Hee

Odette is weird as shit. Mark's "Hee Hee" is weirder.

Q. Have you ever taken drugs?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, ST LUCIA
No I think it is the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. Have never understood why people do it.

HI HERSCHELLE.

Q. What would you do if not cricket? Pls tell Dale he's cute..so are you.
FROM ZAINAB IRFAN, PAKISTAN
Well I'd like to think I could have been a golfer but who knows if I would have made it. Will pass the message onto Dale.

Will he really? That would be the most awkward conversation ever. "Hey Dale, Zainab from Pakistan says you're cute." "...Right."

Q. So glad you guys wrapped up the series. Being an Indian I support you coz ur so hard working!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
How's it Madiha, what's it like living in Saudi? Thanks for your support.

I dunno. Pretty much the same as living in any other part of the world.

Q. You are officially my favourite wickie now that Gilly is gone. Do you miss him?
FROM JEANAN YASSEN, AUSTRALIA
Gilly is a fantastic cricketer so yes I guess I miss the professional rivalry. He is a top bloke and he also sent me a message of congratulations when I got my record. I wish him all the best.

AHH, TOP BLOKE.

Q. Although I'm Australian well done for the wins. Why does everyone ask about AB love your replies.
FROM ANASTASIA THOMPSON, AUSTRALIA
Thanks God he's got his own website now so he can answer all the gals himself!!!

But half your traffic has now gone to AB's site, Mark.

Q. You questioned Sandy over what kind of smoking...do you have something to admit?
FROM SARAH DUNN, UK
No I was only kidding around Sarah. Being a professional sportsman I do NOT dabble in anything stupid like that.

HELLO AGAIN, HERSCHELLE.

Q. You and Jacques have almost ticked off all on your wish list.What does Ja mean?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Ja nearly. It means yes...south african style.

Cue Hawaiian music and a beach setting.

Q. I love SA! Does Vaughan Van Jaarsveld have his own website?
FROM ROSHANI JAY, AUSTRALIA
Glad you like SA it's a beautiful place to be. Not sure if he has one..don't think so.

I'm going to hound him with questions and messages for Vaughn so that he'll beg him to start his own website.

Q. Would you be my best man at my wedding to Graeme?
FROM SEALANI BALI, INDIA
For sure!!!

This is perfect by itself.

. Have you ever tried smoking?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, NEW ZEALAND
Hi Sandy, what type of smoking do you mean? Ha Ha. No I don't like smoking at all.

UNLIKE HERSCHELLE

Q. Are you married or do you have a girl friend?
FROM FRAN MORTON, SA
How's it Fran? No not married, this is a difficult life for anyone to endure so we will have to wait and see.

KP agrees with you entirely.

Q. Sorry to hear about your toe am sure AB will do a great job. Please give him my email address?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Thanks Emma. The good news is that AB has his own website now so you girls can ask him all these things yourself now. Cool or what.

First of all, Emma is hilarious. Secondly, cool or what!

Q. am so glad you won. 4get about AB tell Albie he rocks and you of course.
FROM FAY W, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fay. I will be delighted to tell Albie as I think he rocks too.

That's right, 4get about AB, this is the only good fan mail of the lot. I bet Mark didn't tell Albie anything, just like he didn't tell Dale he was cute.

Q. Can you ask the Morkels if they remember a sign that read Morkels=speed of light please?
FROM FLEUR MATHEWS, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fleur...like the wording...where's my sign?

I can make a better Morkel sign than that. "MORNE: DROPPED"

Q. My mum thinks you are good looking!
FROM YASMINE FINCHUM, AUSTRALIA
Well she's got good taste what can I say? Just kidding please tell your mum a big thank you.

Now Yasmin's dad is coming for Mark.

Q. Have you ever been a nuaghty boy and caught up in a tabloid scandal?
FROM DAVID BROWN, UK
Of course not David!!! So far so good.....

Has Mark ever been a "naughty boy"...

And now for the BEST PART of the site: The Gallery. Here's some of the best:

Mark and Andre Nel. Yeah. Weird.

I would never post this up on my own website.

If Jacques were closing in on my sister, I'd be worried.

Scarily enough, they almost look like a normal couple here. But we know the truth.

Christmas dinner. HI MORNE, WHERE'S ALBIE?

Albie's busy signing autographs with a special needs fan, Kyle.

(There's more photos of Kyle up on the site)

Mark follows team mates into the bathroom.

And gives AB a haircut with his "new found skills".

I've left the worst photo until last. The only worse person who could be in that bath is Jacques Kallis.

And that is Mark Boucher's site. In a few days or weeks time, you may find he has answered a question I sent in. I'll be very interested in seeing his response.

(Blogger's being a little mediocre and posting parts of this as a giant chunk. I'm working on fixing that.)

Andre Nel Retires

Yesterday, Andre Nel announced his retirement from international cricket. Best known for being the only criminally insane psychopath to be allowed to play for his country, the schizophrenic Nel has backtracked to live up to the madman-turned-saint-upon-retirement cliché that was most recently seen after Matthew Hayden's retirement.

"It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from international cricket. Playing for my country for the last eight years was a dream come true for me. I would like to thank my captain, Graeme Smith, and my coaches, Mickey Arthur and Vinnie Barnes, and all my Proteas' teammates for their support and guidance."

Technically, he's only played 7 years, since his last matches for SA were in England last year. But we'll forgive him the mistake. After all, he's a nice person now.

He helps his team mates when they're feeling down...

And makes funny faces to mask his evilness.

He lets his team mates jump on him for fun.

And gives good jaw-clenched hugs to the needy.

If you cannot see the kindness now, you never will. It's a simple concept: Gunther is the evil one, Andre's the normal one - the certified accountant.

Gunther is coming to get you.

Andre's pretty thankful to a couple of other fellows:

"A special thanks to my two biggest mentors, Ray Jennings and Shaun Pollock. Without your advice and influence I would not have made it as far as I did."

Ah, Shaun Pollock, the traitorous ex-fast bowler who decided that medium-fast was good enough. He of the ginger head. Yes, I remember. Pollock's retirement speech was bollocks (sorry, couldn't resist):

"I realise I have been blessed by God and feel I have nurtured my talents to the best of my abilities."

Sounds fulfilling.

Cricket South Africa's CEO Gerald Majola was quick to assert himself as the master and Andre as the slave:

"He has been a good servant to South African cricket and I wish him all the best."

"That last part is a lie. I hope Gunther takes over his brain and blows up the whites."

Mickey Arthur is under the impression Andre was "a passionate player who always gave 110% for his country". Where does the extra 10% come from? Gunther? Or Nel's facial expressions?

But this isn't the end of Andre Nel, as he's contracted to play for Surrey in the English county season. Graeme Smith is so confused from tennis elbow that he interpreted this as Andre moving to England to play international cricket for them. He sought out Andre and had a verbal sparring match with him:

Graeme: How could you, Gunther! You're more treacherous than Kevin!

Andre: ARGH!!! I am Gunther!!!

Graeme: You're slating South Africa!

Andre: You're an absolute muppet, Graeme.

You can't escape the muppets, Graeme.

Graeme: I never want to see you on the field again!

Andre: ...You won't. But you'll be seeing GUNTHER again.

Surrey appears to be looking to boost their ranks by having an evil mastermind in their midst. They'll be hoping Gunther is coming down from his oxygen-deprived home in the mountains for a holiday, because they'll be needing his expertise in the field.

"Madness? I AM GUNTHER!!!"