Albie's fate in the World T20

I don't want to dwell on this for too long because it is truly a sad, sad thing that such injustices are happening in the world. But Albie Morkel... he didn't have a good time in the 2nd ICC World T20. He didn't have a good time at all.

And to think that last time he was one of its stars. I try to figure what it is that could be leading to his (relatively) dismal performance and inevitably, I reach the conclusion that he is either going in too late or with a shitload of pressure on him. Usually it's a combination of the two.

So I ask South Africa, why do you want to have your cake and not eat it? The original expression is pure rubbish, of course you should eat your bloody cake if you have it or it will go stale, and I've always felt this is more pertinent. Why the fuck do South Africa want to keep Albie's mutant powers in their clutches but then fail to utilise and capitalise on them? It's not as though he's a robot and he'll be just dandy again when they decide to dust him off sometime in the future, because human beings rust.

Okay, no they don't. Robots rust, but I just want you to think carefully here and not get confused by shit analogies, what is wrong with South Africa? They must be behind Albie's lack of firepower since around about January this year. Yes, my dears. I know which month he was last successful.

Clearly if you're walking around saying "Oh, but we have Albie Morkel. He can really hit the ball well" you'd actually turn around and play Albie? Yes? YES FUCKING YES. That is the answer. Die Mickey Arthur and damn you to hell right afterwards. On top of that, die Graeme Smith for being a flat-faced asshole and sticking around to make decent scores against rubbish sides like Scotland and Bangladesh but then failing to do so against tougher competition. That, by the way, is the perfect segue for me to completely devalue die AB's 79* against Scotland. DO IT AGAINST A REAL TEAM, BASTARD. And don't tell me now that he did because I don't want to hear it, I really don't.

In 5 innings, Albie made 54 runs. That's an average of 18. Fuck me if that isn't a rubbish conversion of ability into results. In a similar 5 innings, Jacques Kallis averaged 59.50. Surely, surely, if Jacques can open the batting and make that many runs, Albie would be far more capable of doing well if he were higher up the order. But no, Sticky Mickey has it in for him. He does, I know. I can tell from the evil glint in Mickey's eyes.

Albie's bowling average was the second highest on the team, bettered by everyone except Jacques. But then again, Jacques was the second-highest run scorer in the tournament and IS A FAT FUCK WITH A DOUGHNUT ADDICTION SO HE GETS OFF SCOT-FREE. In a shit consolation, Albie bowled a wicket maiden this tournament. Boo freaking hoo. It's not like he existed for the rest of it anyway.

And as for die AB, I'm not even going to mention anything of his. He can also go to hell with Mickey Arthur and try not to be so disgustingly successful next time. I'd tell him to go play lawn bowls but then he'd turn out to be good at that too.

Shithead.

But whatever, Albie is over South Africa. He is moving to Guatemala to play some real cricket and teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe he'll also migrate to the Netherlands and really rub it in.

In the words of Marie Antoinette, and Albie himself, "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

South African Comedians

How I wish I'd been there to see it. If only I'd had the chance, I would probably have laughed a whole lot more than I currently am now.

That doesn't mean Cricinfo hasn't saved me, because the age of the internet has made everything far more convenient and lovely for situations exactly like mine. It was this one match, thankfully I'll be watching the second semi and the finals, but damn this would have been one to watch.

Nevertheless, South Africa... gee, they're a bunch of funny fuckers. At the moment, they're conflicted. Should they put it down to choking or give all credit to Pakistan? They're really only one path, because Graeme Smith has already said "South Africa are not chokers" and will you look at that? They are. They're fucking chokers. A bunch of the most hilarious, stupidly, chokingly hysterical chokers. Try saying that real fast ten times. For the record, South Africa are going to give all credit to Pakistan. At least that way, they can pretend they're not chokers. Which they are.

I mean, what do I even say? Afridi is just fucking awesome, when he gets going. And all I have is figures to work on. For once, Albie wasn't the most expensive bowler on the side. I am pleased, he's making progress. Take that Mickey, you stupid piece of shit. Now who's the fucking allrounder? It's Albie. Even though he didn't do anything this match, HIS BOWLING WASN'T TERRIBLE. That's a relief.

On the subject of Afridi, he is made all the more awesome for blowing a kiss in Jacques' face. Goddamn, I would have killed to see that. Don't get ahead of yourself. I would have killed an AB, nobody else.

HA FUCKING HA in die AB's face. Out for 1, a useless dick, just the way I like it. Catching doesn't count either just because I say so. There is a photo of AB getting out. It is the best ever:

Any bowler who can make that happen is among the best in the world. And others may say that in a different way to me, in a "look at AB de Villiers, HE'S SO FUCKING HARD TO GET OUT" kind of way, but I say no. Getting die AB's wicket makes your moral compass automatically straighten towards north and no matter what you do, it will never swing south again.

What bowler wouldn't want that?

And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.

So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.

It's Afridi and he really likes it.

Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:

"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."

Boncam sends that last one in.

England losing and other interesting stuff

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

The best search ever

Glad to see there's someone in the world who doesn't like die AB. The following search ended up here:

fucking ab de villiers

And I believe it is said in a vehement, anger-filled way. A "fucking AB de Villiers keeps being an overtly humble prick" kind of way. Not a "I'd like to know how best to go about fucking AB de Villiers way".

At the same time, I have terrible searches leading to my blog. Take, for example:

jacques kallis muscular

Oh yeah. Take care not to vomit. That reminds me, there's a question I've been pondering for a while. Is there anyone in this world who actually likes Jacques Kallis, and if so, why the fuck do they?

What I am going to do today

Today I am going to set aside a good five minutes to laugh at India.

I will then laugh at Dhoni for an extra special reserved period of time.

Then I will bake a cake, for reasons to be explained later in this post.

Next, I will watch Jacques Kallis get out for a duck, followed by another duck from die AB.

After this, I will watch Albie Morkel hit the ball out of the fucking park and pillage the same Windies that beat the '07 champions.

As I am doing this, I will cry tears of joy and blow out the candles on the cake, all 28 of them. I will say "ya did well, kid" to the television as Albie goes on to make a half century.

Then I will watch New Zealand destroy Pakistan.

All in a day's work.

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

Die AB

I have no idea what you're talking about. The title of this post is merely written in Afrikaans. It translates to "The AB" as you are no doubt aware.

Why on earth would I want AB de Villiers to actually die? Is it the unbeaten 79 off 35 balls? The 75 not out off 35 balls? The 6 sixes? 5 fours? No, really, tell me exactly what it is that would make me WANT AB DE VILLIERS TO DIE.

Jesus. That's exactly the response he wanted to get out of me.

Don't mind me. I just haven't slept for 48 hours. I'm sure that's the only reason I'm feeling so STRANGE right now. Or wait, could it be AB downplaying the massive score of 211 his team posted? Could it?

In any tournament every team wants to develop the big ‘M’ – momentum – as soon as possible, and that’s exactly what we took from our opening match against Scotland at the Oval this afternoon.

The big 'M', huh? What's that, die AB? Are you English now? Fuck.

We respected the opposition, but managed to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately earned a comfortable win.

YES, SO MUCH RESPECT THAT 75 WAS. SO VERY MUCH RESPECT. I'm so pleased you "managed" to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately ensured a "comfortable" win. I wasn't quite sure you'd "manage" there. And gee, it was a tough one, wasn't it? That "comfortable" win didn't come by easily.

There were some nerves around the squad in the morning, but Graeme Smith and
Jacques Kallis established a fantastic platform at the top of our innings and the rest of us were able to take advantage and ensure we posted a decent score of 211.

DIE AB, DIE AB, DO YOU CALL 211 SIMPLY A "DECENT" SCORE? It's South Africa's largest T20 score to date. What a "decent" score.

I was pleased with my knock, and once again enjoyed batting at the Oval – it’s a great deck and an excellent outfield.

Yes, I do believe the outfield was instrumental in you scoring your very many sixes. The ball just RACED over the outfield, it practically flew. The fielders could do nothing about it. Well done, groundsmen. Well done on creating an outfield perfect for sixes.

So it was a pretty decent afternoon all around.

I HAVE NO WORDS.

I cannot even begin to explain why he irks me so. You might take the above comments to be gracious and respectful towards the opposition who SA absolutely smashed, but I know for certain that any other player on the team (except Jacques Kallis) would have put it in such a way which didn't downplay their own efforts to the extent that Scotland is practically ridiculed. It's all AB. Die AB, that AB, he's such a great sportsman.

Okay, it may be the lack of sleep making me this frantic. But damn, die AB pisses me off so fucking much I do not have words to explain it.

In the same match, Albie shared a sizeable partnership with die AB and ended up getting 24 from 14 balls, including two sixes. He was then caught by the best Scottish player on the side that day Kyle Coetzer, who also smashed Albie for two sixes and thus made him the most expensive South African bowler. Lucky he took two wickets.

Look, someone who doesn't piss me off. Hurrah.

Jacques Kallis made 48... from 41 balls. I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen.

What are they feeding the South African boys?

Clearly, someone has laced their food with oestrogen hormones.

I ask you, what the fuck?

Now I don't usually like to point out things like this because it's a load of crap, but it's so bloody obvious here that it's impossible not to mention it.

And it's not just some strange error in lighting because, look, JP's free from the curse:

In the same series of shots, Albie's looking like Noddy, and AB's head is proportionately huge compared to the rest of his body.

It's almost sickening to watch.

The Strangeness of South Africans

In the poll I have been referring to in posts of past. While I understand not all the voters are saffas, a fair lot must be. But I'm looking at the results and just thinking, "Really?"

AB de Villiers 41%
JP Duminy 23%
Johan Botha 11%
Snuh snuh snuh, some people including Graeme Smith and Herschelle Gibbs at 5%
Albie Morkel 3%, tied with Jacques Kallis

Who is rigging this system? Tell me, who? Is Johan Botha really that popular?

I say vote Albie in droves. Just vote Albie, do it. Do it. Do it. If I repeat it enough times, I'm hoping you'll actually do it.

But if you're just generally a cruel person who wants to see Albie languish near the bottom of the table with JACQUES KALLIS for company, at least have the heart to vote JP Duminy. He can catch better than I can, and I'm pretty good at catching things, it's my forte. Only Sybrand Engelbrecht is better than JP (just realised I hadn't mentioned my best friend for a while, so there's the reference). And what's more, if you've watched JP bat you'll never want to convert to ABdom. To top it all off, JP doesn't preach at you.

Of course, I'd much prefer it if you went Albie. Ta.
And yes, I do believe I just said 'ta'. My grandma never said it so often.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

Semi-finals, being crap, and the number 146

What is that really? 146. What a pathetically shit score from a team that's supposed to have an excellent batting line-up, and who are going to give away 20 runs or so later in the game through misfields.

It just doesn't make sense. I suppose we should have known. From the moment those Mischief Gals were doing their circus troupe act during the pitch report, Chennai were doomed to make a relatively low or "okay" kind of score. Just on that point, Sunny Gavaskar made reference to the Mischief Gals' "curves". Dream on, mate.

Strangely enough, Parthiv Patel turned out to be the real menace today, like the little fucker he is. He was appointed the team maniac and I found myself smiling at his midget antics. Good going there.

So Chennai dropped off one by one, until Albie stepped out into the Bullring. And being such a sick bastard who only wants sons as children, he stopped Kumble during his run-up, and then promptly hit him for six the next ball. The last ball of the innings was also interesting. What do you reckon, was it a four or a six?

Some points of concern within the Bangalore team:

• Kumble looks absolutely ancient chasing balls to the boundary.
• Jacques Kallis really needs to shave off that tuft of hair in an otherwise bald spot. It's like some horrible head fungus. Although, you cannot even begin to imagine the thrill of seeing him be treated with disdain by batsmen.
• Praveen Kumar looked spastic after the Raina wicket. What was up with that and what medication has Ray Jennings got him on?

All very pertinent questions which I'm sure will be answered in the BRC innings, in which CSK bowlers will have to step up or they're well and truly fucked.

By the way, caught sight of Mike Hussey on the sidelines. So stupid.

Don't trust Ronald

If he gets picked for the Ashes squad, it's officially the end of Australian cricket.

Anyway, onto more pressing news:

"But, for me, Jacques Kallis is the top of the tree. You look at his consistency and his output over a long period of time, and I think that's what every allrounder wants to be. He is a fantastic talent, and he is a consistent contributor."

His consistency is due largely to the fact that the fat fuck doesn't leave the crease and rather unflappably spends hours there, working tirelessly for his team's cause. Remember Kallis' website? I do.

Well, at least you know what kind of a player Andrew McDonald wants to be. He probably thinks he's well on the way to greatness, with a role model like that.

If every all-rounder wanted to be like Jacques Kallis, would anyone still watch cricket?

"...Yes."

ffffffffffffffffff

Jacques Kallis 2/15 or some such.

I am living my nightmare.

It's made worse by the fact the match is being delayed by almost an hour here and all I know is that fat Jacques is about to strike very soon.

Dhoni's fighting out there with Haydos.

I think Albie's coming in next. Excellent.

Jacques is a T20 Player

All the T20 squads are out, and it's pretty much what's you expect.

Except for South Africa. Forget having Johan Botha there, there is apparently the need for a fat bastard who can't bowl T20 and shouldn't be able to bat in it either. What is the world coming to when you pick an old potato over an up-and-coming player, any up-and-coming player. I'm sure they have plenty to choose from in their domestic league.

But no, Jacques Kallis' extraordinarily strange strike rate of over 100 in the last match seems to have saved him. When he gets hit around the park during the tournament, then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Me.

Jacques in the Top 5

Q has the current leading run scorers in the IPL up on his blog. I've never really looked at these as they're updated. Last I heard AB was somewhere in the top 5, but thankfully, he dropped out quickly.

Leading Batsmen
1. Matthew Hayden (CSK) - 6 inn, 246 runs at 41.00
2. Suresh Raina (CSK) - 6 inn, 232 runs at 38.67
3. Brad Hodge (KKR) - 7 inn, 230 runs at 46.00
4. Jacques Kallis (RCB) - 7 inn, 220 runs at 36.67
5. Adam Gilchrist (DC) - 6 inn, 210 runs at 41.80

What the fuck is Jacques Kallis doing on that list? NOOOOOOOOOO the world is crumbling around me.

Devastating is what this is. Kallis has made a mockery of T20 cricket. Maybe people will actually start believing he's a real T20 batsman. That would be the worst day of my life.

And for anyone who says his figures speak for themselves, SO DO HIS BOWLING FIGURES.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

Jacques Kallis and the White Mischief Gals

Get ready to puke.

From our favourite Mischief Gal's blog.

KP is honestly half-woman there.

Jacques Kallis is disturbing beyond belief. Will you look at that expression? If I had to meet him, I'd kill myself.

Bangalore in bits

Can't say much, planning to take off soon. But it seems Bangalore have primed themselves for another batting collapse.

Jesse Ryder is out for 2 off 5 balls. Pathan's wicket. I don't know who to cheer in this circumstance.

And Kumble is captain over Kallis. Thank god someone saw sense.

No Captaincy For Jacques

It's all a downward spiral for Jacques' IPL hopes. Now Ray Jennings is saying the captaincy is still being decided upon, even though they had pretty much made it clear he would be captain after KP left.

What did it? The pathetic bowling or the equally-as-bad batting? I am very interested. What tipped Bangalore over the edge? The 4 straight losses might have had something to do with it. And the fact that Jacques is just a fat fuck who doesn't even deserve the title of "Best All-Rounder in the World" but who still has it heaped on him regularly.

Or maybe they were truly terrified by the thought of captaining by consensus. Imagine that. No Dravid, no KP, just Jacques and a whole bunch of young Indian players, plus a Dale Steyn, Ross Taylor, Anil Kumble and maybe a Jesse Ryder. Sounds like a great decision-making committee. So many Kiwis they'd probably fuck it all up. But Kumble is the one good thing about that. I'm sure they could trust him, even if he's say the Deccan Chargers hadn't played in the spirit of the game because they WON, DAMMIT. Alright, that's a low dig. But I don't care.

Then again, who else does Bangalore have now? Nobody, that's what. They're fucked, and I'm not saying that lightly. They are well and truly fucked, and nobody's going to save their asses after KP hops on his private jet for England and slides down giant mountains of cash in his new mansion with glee.

Ray Jennings isn't even sure if he wants to play Jacques. That's desperate. If I were Ray Jennings, I'd play Jacques just to have a laugh, and then put all my money on the other team winning. That isn't how it works, unfortunately.

After that, they'd have to bring in Boucher, just to be a second senior player in the team and to make sure Jesse doesn't flip and Hulk everyone to bits. Jennings has said that if Jacques does play then of course he, wait for it... might be captain. So the only way for him to not possibly captain is if he doesn't play. And it seems as though Jennings is seriously considering that possibility.

Hallelujah. And not the sad one, the happy one.

"UNFLAPPABLE, TIRELESSLY SPENDS HOURS AT THE CREASE, ARGUABLY THE MOST PRIZED TEST WICKET AFTER RICKY PONTING, SIMILAR TO DON BRADMAN."

Hello Irfan

It was good to see him back, wasn't it? If Punjab were going to win, I'm glad it's him who won it for them.

Of course, Sangakkara did a lot with the bat, but Irfan Pathan was an all-round superstar. See what I did there.

Although, I cannot believe Punjab's bowlers were good enough to defend that pathetic total. Kudos to them. Irfan did the good stuff at the start.

"I'm the king of the world!"

The only thing he's missing is a Kate Winslet.

And I'm extremely pissed off that they're still showing racing instead of the IPL. The first match was broadcast when the second one had begun so NONE OF IT WAS LIVE. Fuckers.

And on the previous match, fat Jacques is out first ball. I laughed for a long time.

KP's face after he got out was priceless. You could tell he was furious with himself for being such an idiot. Which he was.