Luke Wright the hobbit, ROFL the elf

And ROFL is an elf. An evil elf, to be precise, as detailed in this previous post of mine.

Now you have the backstory, Boncam has been getting creative photoshopping his countryman into an elf costume, and turning Luke Wright into a hobbit. It is evil, not just because ROFL is really just evil, but also because Wright himself is around the 1.8m mark and therefore not a hobbit.

But Boncam persists, and even though he did a very South African thing of ignoring height, it is still a rather awesome result. If I hadn't told you, you would be none the wiser as to the cunning brain that went into this:

See what he did there.

And then there's ROFL, the evil elf I can't help but love in all his angry spinning glory and shut-eyed swinging at balls. Cricket balls, that is.

Nice elf.

By the way, this post in no way warrants a dozen Anonymous people commenting with a "do Graeme Smith up as a tranny" type comment. It's not on, friends. This is a post about Luke Wright and ROFL, not Graeme Smith.

England losing and other interesting stuff

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

Spotto

It really does take two to tango. ROFL can tell you that.

Spotted: Morne and ROFL getting their dancing shoes on.

Don't worry guys, I'm not disappearing on you yet.

The hilarity of ROFL

Boncam sends in yet another funny ROFL-related thing, this time a photo:

Just look at the guy in the background. Top ROFL stuff there.

"ROFL makes me ROFL," says Boncam.

Yes. Yes he does.

It's not how you drive, it's how you arrive

Just checking up on the popularity poll on SuperSport, which I do believe Albie has no chance of winning whatsoever (nor does Duminy, so there goes my interest in that), I noticed an article about ROFL. It's a good day for him on this blog.

The article mostly has stuff I already know, but at the end, there's a quote from the presentation ceremony after the T20 against Australia which ROFL won MoM for. I cannot believe I missed this when it was shown. I must have been asleep. But it's pretty damn funny. ROFL talks about his crazy as fuck batting style:

"It's not how you drive, it's how you arrive."

Marvellous, says Richie.

Arriving in style.

How ROFL nearly died

Boncam is on the case again, our South African correspondent telling us the latest tales of the goings on in the saffa camp. Today's breaking news is that GRAEME SMITH ATTEMPTED TO KILL ROFL.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it's also in Afrikaans so I'm fucked. Thankfully, Boncam is on the case, giving us a rundown of what happened and just how our evil elf almost died at the hands of the unforgiving sea, having been placed there by his flat-faced captain. This is how it went, says Boncam:

ROFL almost drowned during a training session in Durban. I am not kidding! They were in teams of 4. ROFL with JP, Steyn & GS. They decided ROFL should swim the 300m. I think they had to do a kind of triathlon thing. Some were running from the hotel to the beach, others were in a canoe and fuckface Graeme decided ROFL should do the swimming, its about 3.5km I am sure he can swim, GS & JP are coastal guys while ROFL is from the highlands, anyway the current was just too strong and he started going under. He was saved by a lifeguard who didnt even took the chance of swimming, he canoed over.

Phew, close call. Imagine if ROFL had really died? No more interesting personality, no more crazy hitting the ball with his eyes shut, no more sabotaging Christmas presents. The world would be a worse place without him.

Santa's worst behaved elf lives for another day.

Albie Morkel and the Afternoon Siesta

Boncam sends in an interesting link to an interview with Albie on Cricinfo.

Where do I start? Right, apparently he's going to have a BABY. I actually glanced over that line completely and noticed it a while later. It was a bit of a WTF moment.

Tell us something we don't know about you.
Come December, I will be a father of a boy.

Well done, Albie. I'm sure when he retires, he'll surreptitiously slip in that news in an interview too, as if it's no big deal at all. "Oh, by the way, I'M RETIRING, bitches."

Apart from that rather interesting development, the interview is actually quite good. When asked what he told Morne after replacing him for his Test debut:

I didn't really say anything much. Obviously it was a big disappointment for him, but on the other hand it was happiness for me. He was supportive of me on my debut and I was supportive of him since he was dropped.

I find that inexplicably funny. He was supportive of him since he was dropped, while at the same time, secretly happy for himself. I bet the conversations between the two would have been immensely awkward following that.

If you were running cricket, what's the one change you would make?
I'd make the lunch interval in four-day games about two hours long, so we can have an afternoon siesta.

Look, Albie, you can be funny too. Amazing.

But possibly the best thing of all is a hilarious question about ROFL:

Does Roelof van der Merwe ever look at the ball when he hits it?
You're gonna have to ask him. Yes, it looks weird on TV: his head is down while he hits over point for six. He is pretty unique, but I'm sure he watches the ball.

I'm sure many others were wondering exactly the same thing.

Speak of the devil

While the complete destruction of Bangalore has taken place by the RR bowling attack, I was almost hoping BRC would win. Why, you ask? Because of Dravid, I answer. If you're going to leave your newborn kid at home and trot off to another country to play for a drunken tycoon (okay, for cash too) you'd think a little winning would be the perfect way to start things. But no, he's out for a duck.

Then it's up to Boucher, ROFL or Mr. Smooth to step up. The first fails, but ROFL hit a boundary off Morne (HAHAHA, watch Albie bowl better later tonight) and then gritted his teeth together and made weird facial expressions as he excitedly looked for another gap in which to hit the ball to.

The variations of how all the player's say Morne's name is hilarious. But even better is the commentators talking about him after he took the Kohli catch or some other batsman:

"Speak of the devil."

Now if you were a rational person, that would make sense. But if you're A GOD-FEARING, JESUS-LOVING GOOD HOLY CHRISTIAN then the moment you hear that sentence your life is changed forever. Out come the crucifixes and holy water. Out comes AB's favourite book.

Really, if I were going to pick a devil in the Rajasthan team, I'd say Munaf Patel. Occasionally, you see flashes of his alter ego poking through and his eyes are replaced by fiery balls of hell. It is quite hard to pick up if you're not trained in the art of identifying devils like I am.

I'm also a ninja in my spare time, but I have dabbled in Ghostbusting.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

Roelof van der Merwe

I know there's been a lot of talk about ROFL on this blog, but has anyone ever considered Roelof the man and not Roelof the player? No, I don't think so.

The thing is, Roelof the man shouldn't be on a cricket field. He looks as though he belongs in Santa's workshop, the evil elf who wrings chicken necks for fun. He's similar in stature to South Africa's other new kid on the international stage (although the latter still hasn't played internationally for SA itself), Morne van Wyk. What is it with saffas and naming their children terrible names like 'Morne'?

Morne is more of a kind half-ogre. Roelof is the real one to watch out for. He'll creep up behind you and gut you before you can say "mercy".

Roelof the player was in the Under-19 World Cup team for South Africa. Roelof the man spent the next two years lazing around in front of the telly downing beers. Roelof the player burst back onto the circuit and within the next 3 years, found himself playing against Australia in an ODI. Roelof the man spent those 3 years ensuring his face remained a similarly square shape, perfecting his poker face for the world of cricket.

Roelof the player's nickname is Bulldog. Roelof the man's nickname is I'mgonnagetcha.

Roelof can der Merwe can seriously bat, and seriously bowl. It's not that he's the greatest player in the world, but he can perform, and he's done it countless times. It does help a little if you debut against a team which is, how do I put it, utterly shit at playing spin, but there's no denying he's a top all-rounder.

But what am I doing, I'm talking about Roelof the player and not the man. Come Christmas season, Roelof will be heading back north for another month of sabotaging presents and killing fellow elves as he sets out to prove that not all elves are nice people.

"Hello. I'd just like to let you know, I am going to kill you."

Way to go, Baz

Out first ball to KP. That's how you do it.

When Kevin Pietersen opens the bowling, you don't give him a wicket. It's the dishonourable thing to do. Brendon McCullum thought otherwise.

Maybe Bangalore will scrape a win in today. If ROFL's half the dangerous bowler he was against Australia, Kolkata might fall. But then again, Australia have proven themselves to be terrible at playing spin, and ROFL may turn out to be the most ordinary bowler yet. I don't think so, but it remains to be seen.

Ah, and now Brad Hodge goes. Kumble's spin proves too much for our compatriots.

Ricky Ponting Looking Stupid

That, and other photos from last night's blogathon.

Don't tell me he doesn't look stupid there.

It wasn't just Ricky Ponting, however. Even Albie had his turn at looking retarded:

He does, doesn't he? And I'm not just saying this because he got out on 3.

Luckily, ROFL was there to grace us with his Bulldog demeanour.

Dale Steyn picked up 4 wickets and even had a chat with Punter when he took his wicket:

People used to be respectful of Ponting. Now wannabe Crocodile Hunters just sledge him.

News articles seem to be floating around the idea that Dale Steyn was the bowler who had the greatest impact on the game. But we all know it was really ROFL. He's the only reason SA won so comfortably because he took those first few wickets when Australia were looking so good.

Australian Innings

Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.

The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.

The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.

Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.

Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.

Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.

PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.

Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.

Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.

Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.

Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.

Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.

Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.

Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.

ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.

Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.

Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.

Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.

Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.

The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.

Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.

Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.

If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.

Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.

Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.

Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.

Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.

THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.

Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.

Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?

Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.

ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.

Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?

Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...

FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.

Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.

Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.

The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.

JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.

I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.

Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.

Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.

Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.

Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.

Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.

ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.

Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.


That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.

Winners and Losers

South Africa win, Australia lose. Albie does shit all to help the saffas in their win. Instead, AB's the man of the night (or Kallis, if we're looking at who won MoM) with his 80 off 87 balls, and Jacques' 70 off 86 balls. Mark Boucher was similarly good towards the end of the innings, whereas Albie just never seemed to settle in during his 29 run stand.

Hit it harder, goddammit. But don't get out either.

The pitch was murderously slow, and I almost fell asleep during the SA innings. The curator had made it so in order to limit movement later at night. If the IPL's kicking off here very soon, I'd hate to see the same sort of pitch in play. It would be tedious, even for a T20.

ROFL did an excellent job, coming in the last over and scoring a quick 6. He also took 3/37, picking up Clarke, Mike Hussey and Ferguson. On the subject of Hussey, the poor man was out lbw for 1. He's had a terrible time of it, but this seemed to be fate intervening, with the lbw call being clearly wrong. He'd inside edged the ball, but apparently nature was having none of it and natural order prevailed. Mike went back to the dressing room. Things are looking grey for him.

How good was the Echidna, however? 63 off 68 balls, a career best in ODIs, matched only by James Hopes' 63 off 60 balls. Ferguson is really carving himself a place in this side. That's two matches where he's been the first Aussie to step up and put up a real fight.

"Soon, my precioussss, I will take Mike Hussey's place in the side."

On the SA side, when the batting powerplay was called, Duminy cracked into the ball, hitting a six and a four on consecutive balls. Albie was promoted 2 places up the order specially for the powerplay, but eventually swung clumsily at a ball from Johnson, to be bowled. He had a semi-revenge later that night, however, when he bowled the ball on which Johnson was run out. Not amazing, seeing as Duminy was the one who did the real work, but it's something. Success by association. In the end, Albie was the most expensive SA bowler, going for 6.60 runs an over. Not pretty when you compare it to Roelof's economy rate of 3.70, and the 3 wickets alongside it. In any case, it's not as though Albie's going to be dropped from the squad. Not like Morne (Albie is still gloating).

What else? I'm happy to write this about Johnson, seeing as he bowled well but didn't bat at all that well, but he picked up 4 wickets for 34. Impressive. Bowling, that is.

After this all, Ponting is thankfully thinking up excuses to keep Brett Geeves out of the team. Apparently Geeves "has a sore foot at the moment. [They] don't know the extent of it yet but he's hobbling around quite a bit in the change rooms."

Anything to keep him out of the side, hey, Ricky?

Kings XI acquires South Africans

Sreesanth's out.
Brett Lee's likely to play, but nobody's 100% sure.
Jerome Taylor's also out, due to a road accident.

So King XI is looking a little bleak this year. They've had to bring in a new player to replace Jerome Taylor, and it's Yusuf Abdulla, a South African player. The 26 year old was signed on because he's South African, basically. Ness Wadia stated this as a reason for signing him up:

"He knows the ground better than anybody."

They're referring to Kingsmead, where Kings XI will play 6 matches.

It's not as though they've picked up just any player, though. In the 26 T20 matches he's played domestically, he has an economy rate of 5.83 (I suppose now would be as good a time as any to identify that he's a left-arm swing bowler). That's pretty impressive, but how will it compare when playing against the greats of the game?

The movement of the IPL to South Africa is seeing a greater demand for locals to be helping out with the team/being in the team. Kings XI have also signed Dave Nosworthy, a coach of one of the provincial teams, to assist Tom Moody. Last week, Charl Langeveldt was signed onto the Kolkata Knight Riders, after they considered CJ de Villiers but eventually opted for Langeveldt's experience. This year, a considerable number of South Africans are debuting in the IPL, including Tyron Henderson (Rajasthan Royals), Dillon du Preez (Bangalore Royal Challengers), Ryan McLaren (Mumbai Indians), Roelof van der Merwe (Bangalore Royal Challengers) and Morné van Wyk (Kolkata Knight Riders).

Notice that last name? He's turning up everywhere I look.
Dillon du Preez has a smooth name. Should therefore be a smooth player.
ROFL is also playing for the first time. Wishing him luck.

Graeme lying, Ponting's an idiot & the Proteas line-up

A 3-in-1 post! Great! Here's a fourth point: Jacques Kallis's groin is apparently NOT well enough to allow him to play in the first ODI. Too bad, too bad.

Graeme Smith spoke about playing fast bowlers, in particular, Mitchell Johnson:

“Mitchell has been bowling really well. He is one of the best fast bowlers in the world at the moment and it will be a real challenge facing him. It is something I look forward to. We have had a really good battle over the last period of time, I have had a bit of success and he has had a bit of success, so we will see what happens.”

Here is a man blatantly lying through his teeth. No, Graeme, you are not looking forward to facing Mitch. Remember those broken hands? Remember the pain? Was that fun? Is that something you'd look forward to? The answer is no. I hope for a day when there comes a cricketer who doesn't bullshit his way through interviews with the usual positive stuff, like he's churning out some self-help guide. We've met the first breed of these cricketers with Iain O'Brien, who just isn't afraid to tell the truth about being called a 'faggot'. And then there's Ricky Ponting who does the usual Aussie alpha-team tactics before every series/match and rolls out some "I bet they lose, those dipshits. We're strong as hell" medicine. This is more an attempt to dominate from the outset than to be honest, though.

Also note Graeme counts "success" as having both your hands broken in the space of 3 months by the same bowler.

But what Graeme is good at telling the truth about is the line-up for today's ODI:
Graeme Smith (capt), Johan Botha (vice-capt), Herschelle Gibbs, Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Mark Boucher, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Makhaya Ntini.
ROFL is carrying the drinks.

In regard to Ricky's big talking, he's been commenting on Graeme's ability to captain as compared to Johan Botha. This guy keeps growing bigger balls by the day, I swear:

“It will be interesting to see how the dynamics of the South African team changes with Graeme at the helm. I will be surprised if he uses Botha as often and under the same circumstances."

I plugged this into my Aussie Bullshit to English translator and it came up with this:

"I'm trying to make you second guess yourself, and this is probably the shittiest attempt at psychological manipulation I've ever had. Fuck it, I hope the SA team starts wishing Botha was captain instead of a cripple. Hey Duminy, I'm going to beat the crap out of you in the dressing rooms."

He then went on to say:

“Graeme has done a great job for the South Africans for some time, but we’ll have to wait and see how he performs after Mitch injured him twice with deliveries.”

I don't even need to translate that. Ponting is hilarious.
But that's not it, oh no it isn't:

“We approached the Pro20-series with some youngsters and they still had to pick up experience. That’s over now and we will do everything in our power to ensure we are the best side again after this series."

Translation: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it wasn't my fault. It was the fault of the youngsters. Blame them, not me."

ROFL is a bulldog

Roelof van der Merwe's nickname is Bulldog.

What.

Hello there again

An absence of 3 days means I miss 3 match results. Goddamn it.

• Safrica won in the second T20 match. I'm not smirking, I swear. Albie made 14 off 10 balls and was not out at the end of the innings, also picking up Warner Bunny's wicket. And he took a catch. And then there was Roelof van der Merve, or ROFL, however you wish to put it, won Man of the Match, making 48 off 30 balls. It means he's in the ODI squad for the first two matches. That was slightly easy, I'm thinking. Morne's quivering in his boots right now because of the increased competition. It's not even important to mention Australia's performance, making 139 in the 20 overs, and not the 156 required. Nathan Bracken went for 44 runs, taking one wicket. I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. It's just funny.
• England wins the ODI. Thanks, Ducky. Although, they actually performed well, so credit goes to the team. Particularly me, says Strauss. And yes, particularly him. Brilliant knock.
• India draws the Napier test with NZ. Thought so. They only lose 3 wickets in the 2nd innings and held out for a draw.

Meanwhile, I have been chatting to the likes of Julia Gillard and Princess Anne. Got to make myself feel better about missing these matches.

Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.