Amy S. the Cricketer

There's an Amy S. the cricketer. It's not me, idiots. It's a New Zealander who I didn't know very much about but I sure as hell do now. Presenting Amy Satterthwaite to all non-Kiwis, and possibly Kiwis who haven't heard of her, although I doubt that.

According to the New Zealand cricket website, she is 22 years old and she's in the women's international side. Not only that, she's vice-captain. I heard of her during the Women's World Cup because she did pretty well there. To be honest, I didn't get to watch a whole lot of NZ's games during the tournament so I can't really offer much information on that front.

Anyway, it's not at all odd that she looks like a female version of Morne Morkel, only MORE AMAZING because her name is Amy S.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Obviously this is really me. I've been hiding my identity all along because I was so ashamed of being a New Zealander. All I have to say to you doubtful people is, you're wrong. So very wrong, because Amy S. would never deign to hide her identity when she is so clearly made of awesome. I mean, look at Iain O'Brien's blog. I could have been the female Kiwi cricketer in the blogosphere if I wanted to, but clearly I didn't because I'm NOT Amy Satterthwaite.

She's a bowling all-rounder and has the amazing ability of making saffas drop her from what should be easy catches:

Kind of cool, that Amy S. So cool she plays for the Canterbury Magicians in domestic cricket. Wow. A magician and an Amy S? A winning combination.

There's also some very fascinating tidbits about her which I'm sure anyone would be fascinated to know. Apparently her hobbies include "golf, squash and farming". Yes, farming. If you were about to say "Too cool for school, is she?" you'd also be very wrong, because Amy S. is in fact a university student. And she wants to become a veterinarian or something. Okay.

The player profile on the New Zealand Cricket website tells us the following:

Amy is a classy left hand middle order batsman who has great timing. She can play long innings but more recently has developed her ability to attack from the outset. She has the amazing figures of 6-19 in a T20 International vs England and has a great knack of being a partnership breaker with the ball in hand. She has recently been appointed as the White Ferns vice captain.

Quite impressive. Then there's some Jacques Kallis-style Q&A, only it's obviously much better because a) she isn't Jacques Kallis and b) she isn't Jacques Kallis:

My favourite holiday destination is... Marlborough Sounds

My favourite meal to cook is... roast chicken

My favourite food to eat is... any junk food!

My sporting hero is...Tiger Woods

When not playing cricket I love to... work on the farm.

If I won lotto something I would definitely buy would be... a house

So Amy S. likes roast chicken. Intriguing. And amazing. Yes, rather amazing, that Amy S.

India smirks at series win

New Zealand lost.

The series, that is. Otherwise, the game was a draw.

I supported them to the end, so I get all the credit for any success they had, which was little. Rain was their only saviour. Seeing as the match is over now, I'm allowed to be honest. New Zealand were fucked from the moment Chris Martin was sent out to bat with less than 200 on the board. I was obliged to continue ranting on about how they'd win the match, but anyone could tell this would be a draw or a loss.

It should have been a loss. NZ will be thanking their lucky stars for a draw. The highlights of their day were few. Ross Taylor scored 107, by far the most valuable NZ player this innings. James Franklin also hit 49, before Tendulkar trapped him. Interestingly, our favourite blogger also hit 19 off 17 balls, so that's an impressive personal victory for him.

Dravid is continuing to motor away with those catches. He's up to 184 now, that's 3 in one day. By the time he retires, that record is going to be quite imposing.

Looking good while your face is hidden behind a helmet isn't hard - Just ask Tim

Gautam Gambhir was awarded Man of the Match. He was pleased to receive his award.

He's not going to drink it, of course. That would be blasphemy.

When receiving the award, Ghambir announced that tonight he'd "go out to local supermarkets to pick up hot chicks". Nice.

At tea, New Zealand are stuffed

140 for 7.

Give me a break.

Now they're 164/8 and Brendon McCullum and Iain O'Brien are going to have to do some salvaging to save this innings, because Southee just handed another wicket to Zaheer Khan who has already picked up 5 wickets today.

Ross Taylor scored 42 before departing. Dhoni's had 3 catches already. Jesse Ryder was out on 3.

What?

Graeme lying, Ponting's an idiot & the Proteas line-up

A 3-in-1 post! Great! Here's a fourth point: Jacques Kallis's groin is apparently NOT well enough to allow him to play in the first ODI. Too bad, too bad.

Graeme Smith spoke about playing fast bowlers, in particular, Mitchell Johnson:

“Mitchell has been bowling really well. He is one of the best fast bowlers in the world at the moment and it will be a real challenge facing him. It is something I look forward to. We have had a really good battle over the last period of time, I have had a bit of success and he has had a bit of success, so we will see what happens.”

Here is a man blatantly lying through his teeth. No, Graeme, you are not looking forward to facing Mitch. Remember those broken hands? Remember the pain? Was that fun? Is that something you'd look forward to? The answer is no. I hope for a day when there comes a cricketer who doesn't bullshit his way through interviews with the usual positive stuff, like he's churning out some self-help guide. We've met the first breed of these cricketers with Iain O'Brien, who just isn't afraid to tell the truth about being called a 'faggot'. And then there's Ricky Ponting who does the usual Aussie alpha-team tactics before every series/match and rolls out some "I bet they lose, those dipshits. We're strong as hell" medicine. This is more an attempt to dominate from the outset than to be honest, though.

Also note Graeme counts "success" as having both your hands broken in the space of 3 months by the same bowler.

But what Graeme is good at telling the truth about is the line-up for today's ODI:
Graeme Smith (capt), Johan Botha (vice-capt), Herschelle Gibbs, Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Mark Boucher, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Makhaya Ntini.
ROFL is carrying the drinks.

In regard to Ricky's big talking, he's been commenting on Graeme's ability to captain as compared to Johan Botha. This guy keeps growing bigger balls by the day, I swear:

“It will be interesting to see how the dynamics of the South African team changes with Graeme at the helm. I will be surprised if he uses Botha as often and under the same circumstances."

I plugged this into my Aussie Bullshit to English translator and it came up with this:

"I'm trying to make you second guess yourself, and this is probably the shittiest attempt at psychological manipulation I've ever had. Fuck it, I hope the SA team starts wishing Botha was captain instead of a cripple. Hey Duminy, I'm going to beat the crap out of you in the dressing rooms."

He then went on to say:

“Graeme has done a great job for the South Africans for some time, but we’ll have to wait and see how he performs after Mitch injured him twice with deliveries.”

I don't even need to translate that. Ponting is hilarious.
But that's not it, oh no it isn't:

“We approached the Pro20-series with some youngsters and they still had to pick up experience. That’s over now and we will do everything in our power to ensure we are the best side again after this series."

Translation: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it wasn't my fault. It was the fault of the youngsters. Blame them, not me."

India bites back - barely

After a terrifying 190 for 5 at tea, India fought back to end the day at 375 for 9. It's not brilliant, because we've yet to see what happens next, but it's a definite improvement. A much needed one. Highlights of the day were Tendulkar hitting 62, a 48 (off 51 balls) for Sehwag, Iain O'Brien's crucial wicket in his second over, and India's slightly hilarious mini-collapse after lunch, losing 3 wickets in the space of 17 runs. You gotta love Test cricket, especially with the prospect of another exciting 4 days on the calendar. Whoever said Test cricket would die out with the advent of T20 was sadly mistaken.

Dan Vettori made the decision to bowl first, and although Sehwag and Gambhir's antics at first made it seem as though this was a bad idea, it paid off in the middle session, before things began looking a little wayward towards the end again.

Tomorrow's another day of cricket. Excellent.