You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

something

I couldn't think of a title to this one, sorry. It's a bit of a nothing post anyway because I'm posting in a rush. I'm on the run, you see. Not from cops, just generally on the run. Busy, as they call it these days.

So if you were already missing me, be prepared for more heartache. I'm going to be a little quiet for today, but I'll probably be up and running by tomorrow afternoon. Aren't I just a great human being.

Some rather amusing stuff to take away the pain of losing me: just as Ricky Ponting comes out with comments that Freddie will be England's most important player in the Ashes, and that he'll "be keeping a close eye on him through the Twenty20s to see how fit and good he is", news arrives that in fact, Adil Rashid will be replacing Freddie during the World T20. So ner-ner, suck on that, etc, Ricky, England say. Looks like you won't be getting a chance to do that all too soon.

Also just checking on that SuperSport poll, it's starting to look really fucked up. While Albie is at 4%, putting him in equal fourth place, Johan Botha is steadily creeping up behind AB de Villiers like the mother in Psycho. JP has already been killed, and AB is next. Norman Bates, watch out. Your mother's a crazy bitch.

And because I never forget, the Michael Clarke Question of the Day for Esra (or should I refer to you by your real name you dirty rat?) because yes, there is now a question for you each day for as long as I can remember to do so or be bothered to do so. A self-proclaimed Clarke expert (actually, I may have heaped it on her, but so what), we're pitting Esra against the very best experts in the business, namely Ryan Campbell. Your pride is at stake, Esra. Do me proud. Here's today's question: What is unusual about the highest score Clarke has made in Test cricket? Think you can answer that one? As it turns out, I'm not going to give you hard questions to make you lose because I'd much rather you didn't. So most of the questions will be totally ridiculous. Answer without fear.

Alright, that's all. See you later, and maybe I'll be seeing an answer to that question later too. By the way, if anyone can guess which city I'm in (it's not Sydney), you get a special prize. Something to keep you entertained while I'm gone. And if you haven't cottoned on to exactly what this "prize" is, you will after a dozen more posts offering prizes but never quite delivering on any material goods.

The Strangeness of South Africans

In the poll I have been referring to in posts of past. While I understand not all the voters are saffas, a fair lot must be. But I'm looking at the results and just thinking, "Really?"

AB de Villiers 41%
JP Duminy 23%
Johan Botha 11%
Snuh snuh snuh, some people including Graeme Smith and Herschelle Gibbs at 5%
Albie Morkel 3%, tied with Jacques Kallis

Who is rigging this system? Tell me, who? Is Johan Botha really that popular?

I say vote Albie in droves. Just vote Albie, do it. Do it. Do it. If I repeat it enough times, I'm hoping you'll actually do it.

But if you're just generally a cruel person who wants to see Albie languish near the bottom of the table with JACQUES KALLIS for company, at least have the heart to vote JP Duminy. He can catch better than I can, and I'm pretty good at catching things, it's my forte. Only Sybrand Engelbrecht is better than JP (just realised I hadn't mentioned my best friend for a while, so there's the reference). And what's more, if you've watched JP bat you'll never want to convert to ABdom. To top it all off, JP doesn't preach at you.

Of course, I'd much prefer it if you went Albie. Ta.
And yes, I do believe I just said 'ta'. My grandma never said it so often.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

The New Muralidaran

Come on, don't say you weren't expecting it. Clearly it's the new 'it' in the chucker's guide to escaping penalty.

Johan Botha has an arm deformity.

Don't cry foul, soon all the off-spinners are going to be saying the same. Maybe Botha will bowl with an arm brace for an over in a match to prove his point. All in the name of cricket.

"Johan's arms aren't straight when they hang by his sides. They are naturally bent at the elbow. He has a natural deformity."

That's Vinnie Barnes, the South African bowling coach. Johan also tearfully told his tale of disability to Cricinfo:

"You have to bend your elbow to bowl it, but in my case it starts bent and stays that way."

And here's a little something to set your blood boiling. Us darn Aussies are really quite evil, we call just about any players from the subcontinent for chucking if we can't play them. Forget our own home-bred chuckers who we apparently don't out (despite having done so on many an occasion), the real reason we're such sick bastards who repeatedly make chucker claims against others if because we can't bowl it ourselves:

Bruce Elliott, the UWA professor who is also the ICC biomechanist, had made an interesting discovery in his dealings with finger spinners. "He said he had found that a lot of bowlers from the subcontinent could bowl the doosra legally, but not Caucasian bowlers," Barnes said.

Clearly this is the perfect fuel to add to the fire of the debate which is raging in many places about the supposed tendency of Aussie players to call chuckers. We're just so jealous of those bowlers, you see. Why should they get to bowl the doosra while we can't? You know what, how about we just report them? Sounds like a plan.

I hope the woeful bias and ludicrosity of the arguments that Aussies just call any off-spinner outside their country a chucker is blatant in that above paragraph. I'm not having a go at anyone, but it seems a wasted opportunity to not point out that those claims are ill-founded. Not only do we identify chuckers in Australia, often at an early age, but those who manage to make it to state level are denounced for their bowling action. It's really not a lie when we say that you just won't make it to the big time if you're a pie chucker in Australia.

And on the same note as the article referenced to above, a comment by Mark Boucher:

"There are other guys out there who bowl the doosra who should be sent for testing. Let's see how they shape up under the new regulations."

I guess they all have deformities too.

Not a chucker, just a poor deformed bastard.

Of Banned Doosras, Johan Botha and Seedy Conversations

I've been in Perth for the last day which I hope explains my relative lack of posts. But more interesting is that while I was there, I decided it would be interesting to snoop around the University of WA for no particular reason except to make a pain of myself. And as I was walking past some labs, I overheard a conversation from an office which was rather suspicious:

South African voice: We need to make ut seem realestec of coorse.

Australian voice: Yes, clearing you for everything would be more than suspicious. We need to appease your critics in some way too.

SA: Hoping ut is easn't too harsh... All thet money...

A: I'm sure we could figure something out. It would have to be your doosra.

SA: Vot! Thet doosn't help me.

A: You're not paying me all that much, mate.

SA: Majola will dooble it!

A: And I'll half your penalty. The doosra to right-handed batsmen. It's close enough.

SA: Yip, that is fair I must say if they are going to let me play. Don't use it uften.

A: So we're done?

SA: We are done.

A: Wire the money to a Swiss bank account by tomorrow and I'll write the media release. Pleasure doing business with you.

And that is the story of how Johan Botha is not a chucker.

Botha was recently cited for his bowling action, but tests in Australia found that, with one exception, there is no problem. The exception is Botha’s doosra, the delivery that turns away from the right-hand batsmen. He has been banned from bowling this delivery.

Yeah... okay. I won't say anything right now.

Says Mickey Arthur:

“Johan used the delivery very sparingly and I don’t think it played a role in his success. He will still be an important weapon for us."

"A semi-chucker!!!"

Jacques is a T20 Player

All the T20 squads are out, and it's pretty much what's you expect.

Except for South Africa. Forget having Johan Botha there, there is apparently the need for a fat bastard who can't bowl T20 and shouldn't be able to bat in it either. What is the world coming to when you pick an old potato over an up-and-coming player, any up-and-coming player. I'm sure they have plenty to choose from in their domestic league.

But no, Jacques Kallis' extraordinarily strange strike rate of over 100 in the last match seems to have saved him. When he gets hit around the park during the tournament, then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Me.

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

One strike and you're out

Johan Botha here. Silly new rule has come for testing. Not once can I bend my arm more than 15 degrees in testing. Very stricter now, is looking bad for me.

If I fail am going to ask Murali to mail letter of support to ICC. Suspect action my foot. I am getting sick of all this complaining and me changing my bowling. I am disgusted by umpires and how their whining.

Botha's a chucker

He's been reported again, for his faster ball and doosra.

South Africa's own Murali. He just needs to be cleared and then reported again a couple of times.

According to Vinnie Barnes, his action is a result of him going from a medium fast bowler to spin.

News is, Botha's so devastated he's going to remodel himself as a legspinner. And if that doesn't work, a fast bowler.

Graeme lying, Ponting's an idiot & the Proteas line-up

A 3-in-1 post! Great! Here's a fourth point: Jacques Kallis's groin is apparently NOT well enough to allow him to play in the first ODI. Too bad, too bad.

Graeme Smith spoke about playing fast bowlers, in particular, Mitchell Johnson:

“Mitchell has been bowling really well. He is one of the best fast bowlers in the world at the moment and it will be a real challenge facing him. It is something I look forward to. We have had a really good battle over the last period of time, I have had a bit of success and he has had a bit of success, so we will see what happens.”

Here is a man blatantly lying through his teeth. No, Graeme, you are not looking forward to facing Mitch. Remember those broken hands? Remember the pain? Was that fun? Is that something you'd look forward to? The answer is no. I hope for a day when there comes a cricketer who doesn't bullshit his way through interviews with the usual positive stuff, like he's churning out some self-help guide. We've met the first breed of these cricketers with Iain O'Brien, who just isn't afraid to tell the truth about being called a 'faggot'. And then there's Ricky Ponting who does the usual Aussie alpha-team tactics before every series/match and rolls out some "I bet they lose, those dipshits. We're strong as hell" medicine. This is more an attempt to dominate from the outset than to be honest, though.

Also note Graeme counts "success" as having both your hands broken in the space of 3 months by the same bowler.

But what Graeme is good at telling the truth about is the line-up for today's ODI:
Graeme Smith (capt), Johan Botha (vice-capt), Herschelle Gibbs, Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Mark Boucher, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Makhaya Ntini.
ROFL is carrying the drinks.

In regard to Ricky's big talking, he's been commenting on Graeme's ability to captain as compared to Johan Botha. This guy keeps growing bigger balls by the day, I swear:

“It will be interesting to see how the dynamics of the South African team changes with Graeme at the helm. I will be surprised if he uses Botha as often and under the same circumstances."

I plugged this into my Aussie Bullshit to English translator and it came up with this:

"I'm trying to make you second guess yourself, and this is probably the shittiest attempt at psychological manipulation I've ever had. Fuck it, I hope the SA team starts wishing Botha was captain instead of a cripple. Hey Duminy, I'm going to beat the crap out of you in the dressing rooms."

He then went on to say:

“Graeme has done a great job for the South Africans for some time, but we’ll have to wait and see how he performs after Mitch injured him twice with deliveries.”

I don't even need to translate that. Ponting is hilarious.
But that's not it, oh no it isn't:

“We approached the Pro20-series with some youngsters and they still had to pick up experience. That’s over now and we will do everything in our power to ensure we are the best side again after this series."

Translation: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it wasn't my fault. It was the fault of the youngsters. Blame them, not me."