You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

What are they feeding the South African boys?

Clearly, someone has laced their food with oestrogen hormones.

I ask you, what the fuck?

Now I don't usually like to point out things like this because it's a load of crap, but it's so bloody obvious here that it's impossible not to mention it.

And it's not just some strange error in lighting because, look, JP's free from the curse:

In the same series of shots, Albie's looking like Noddy, and AB's head is proportionately huge compared to the rest of his body.

It's almost sickening to watch.

How ROFL nearly died

Boncam is on the case again, our South African correspondent telling us the latest tales of the goings on in the saffa camp. Today's breaking news is that GRAEME SMITH ATTEMPTED TO KILL ROFL.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it's also in Afrikaans so I'm fucked. Thankfully, Boncam is on the case, giving us a rundown of what happened and just how our evil elf almost died at the hands of the unforgiving sea, having been placed there by his flat-faced captain. This is how it went, says Boncam:

ROFL almost drowned during a training session in Durban. I am not kidding! They were in teams of 4. ROFL with JP, Steyn & GS. They decided ROFL should swim the 300m. I think they had to do a kind of triathlon thing. Some were running from the hotel to the beach, others were in a canoe and fuckface Graeme decided ROFL should do the swimming, its about 3.5km I am sure he can swim, GS & JP are coastal guys while ROFL is from the highlands, anyway the current was just too strong and he started going under. He was saved by a lifeguard who didnt even took the chance of swimming, he canoed over.

Phew, close call. Imagine if ROFL had really died? No more interesting personality, no more crazy hitting the ball with his eyes shut, no more sabotaging Christmas presents. The world would be a worse place without him.

Santa's worst behaved elf lives for another day.

something

I couldn't think of a title to this one, sorry. It's a bit of a nothing post anyway because I'm posting in a rush. I'm on the run, you see. Not from cops, just generally on the run. Busy, as they call it these days.

So if you were already missing me, be prepared for more heartache. I'm going to be a little quiet for today, but I'll probably be up and running by tomorrow afternoon. Aren't I just a great human being.

Some rather amusing stuff to take away the pain of losing me: just as Ricky Ponting comes out with comments that Freddie will be England's most important player in the Ashes, and that he'll "be keeping a close eye on him through the Twenty20s to see how fit and good he is", news arrives that in fact, Adil Rashid will be replacing Freddie during the World T20. So ner-ner, suck on that, etc, Ricky, England say. Looks like you won't be getting a chance to do that all too soon.

Also just checking on that SuperSport poll, it's starting to look really fucked up. While Albie is at 4%, putting him in equal fourth place, Johan Botha is steadily creeping up behind AB de Villiers like the mother in Psycho. JP has already been killed, and AB is next. Norman Bates, watch out. Your mother's a crazy bitch.

And because I never forget, the Michael Clarke Question of the Day for Esra (or should I refer to you by your real name you dirty rat?) because yes, there is now a question for you each day for as long as I can remember to do so or be bothered to do so. A self-proclaimed Clarke expert (actually, I may have heaped it on her, but so what), we're pitting Esra against the very best experts in the business, namely Ryan Campbell. Your pride is at stake, Esra. Do me proud. Here's today's question: What is unusual about the highest score Clarke has made in Test cricket? Think you can answer that one? As it turns out, I'm not going to give you hard questions to make you lose because I'd much rather you didn't. So most of the questions will be totally ridiculous. Answer without fear.

Alright, that's all. See you later, and maybe I'll be seeing an answer to that question later too. By the way, if anyone can guess which city I'm in (it's not Sydney), you get a special prize. Something to keep you entertained while I'm gone. And if you haven't cottoned on to exactly what this "prize" is, you will after a dozen more posts offering prizes but never quite delivering on any material goods.

The Strangeness of South Africans

In the poll I have been referring to in posts of past. While I understand not all the voters are saffas, a fair lot must be. But I'm looking at the results and just thinking, "Really?"

AB de Villiers 41%
JP Duminy 23%
Johan Botha 11%
Snuh snuh snuh, some people including Graeme Smith and Herschelle Gibbs at 5%
Albie Morkel 3%, tied with Jacques Kallis

Who is rigging this system? Tell me, who? Is Johan Botha really that popular?

I say vote Albie in droves. Just vote Albie, do it. Do it. Do it. If I repeat it enough times, I'm hoping you'll actually do it.

But if you're just generally a cruel person who wants to see Albie languish near the bottom of the table with JACQUES KALLIS for company, at least have the heart to vote JP Duminy. He can catch better than I can, and I'm pretty good at catching things, it's my forte. Only Sybrand Engelbrecht is better than JP (just realised I hadn't mentioned my best friend for a while, so there's the reference). And what's more, if you've watched JP bat you'll never want to convert to ABdom. To top it all off, JP doesn't preach at you.

Of course, I'd much prefer it if you went Albie. Ta.
And yes, I do believe I just said 'ta'. My grandma never said it so often.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

Giving Jesus the steering wheel

I can also take everything in and allow it to affect me as a person. But, there's really only one way for me to get through situations like that! And that's to give Jesus the steering wheel and asking Him to drive for me!!

- AB de Villiers, Bastard child of Jesus and Mary Magdalene

With that ominous prophecy, Delhi came out to chase a pathetic total of 116 by the Mumbai Indians. Could they do it? It was up to Jesus from here on in. Little did they know Jesus was a little tipsy after turning too much water into wine, causing the first 3 Delhi batsmen to fall for under 20, or close to it in David Warner's case.

But AB, that AB, he was the designated driver that night, and even though he may have let a drunk Jesus handle the steering wheel, it only worked in his favour as he got to his bloody 50 from 38 balls.

JP Duminy was out for a duck. At least AB didn't take any catches, although he did ask Gambhir if he could have a bowl.

And the man of the match was Nehra the Penguin. 2/27. LOL TAKE THAT AB.

I guess giving the steering wheel to Jesus isn't enough to win MoM. Sometimes you have to sleep with all the right people like the Penguin Whore to ensure you're the real winner. That's a good lesson for AB to learn.

Meanwhile, there's an interview with AB up at Cricinfo, which features an incident with Ricky Ponting I once talked about.

Sybrand Engelbrecht: Learn It

Before I pop off to go suffer illness in misery, I needed to point out a recent blog on Cricinfo's The Surfer.

Jane alerted me to the post which I would not have otherwise seen. Apparently you're allowed to talk about ambidextrous fielders and NOT MENTION SYBRAND. If you talked about the best leggie in the world, you wouldn't hesitate to mention Shane Warne. And if you're talking about the best fielders in the world, it would make complete sense to mention Sybrand, although his compatriot Jonty Rhodes thinks otherwise.

But when you talk about ambidextrous fielders, surely you'd mention Sybrand.

...Batsmen will no longer play to a fielder's weak side because there won't be one. Push to the left of cover, and he will pick up with his left hand and throw; to the right and he is equally comfortable on that side.

Sounds like it was written with one person in mind, and that person isn't JP Duminy, or AB de Villiers, or even Paul Collingwood.

It's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Simple, militarian name. Learn it.

"Hello."

When Harbhajan is promoted up the order

You know the world is coming to an end.

I mean, seriously, who lets Harbhajan think that he's their first choice for being promoted up the order to save the team after the loss of a wicket? And after the loss of ONE wicket? I didn't think anyone would want to boost his ego anymore than it currently is.

Luckily, he gets out for 6.

Even Agarkar manages a wicket. And Tendulkar's wicket too. Maybe SRK leaving had something to do with it.

Go Duminy.

Is there anybody out there taking Graham Napier's record seriously?

How is Mumbai struggling against Kolkata? WTF.

Mumbai did well to get past 130. All thanks to Duminy, of course.

And apparently it's 148 Mumbai get to. Nice. Kolkata will collapse in the face of even that score.

Washed out by Deccan Chargers

Here we go, the second match of the day was abandoned due to rain. Thank god, because I actually wouldn't have been able to watch it. Channel ONE decided to show us the Chinese Grand Prix between the two matches. Fuckers. I had things to do and places to be so I eventually sacrificed the game for a bit of sleep.

But Mumbai vs. Deccan Chargers. Throughout the game, the commentators kept talking about how great the Deccan innings was, but I never felt it to be honest. They seemed to get a boundary every few balls and a hell of a lot dot balls in between. It was a choppy innings and when they initiated their collapse I was still a little bored by the match.

Mumbai came on and for the first 10 overs, looked right on track. RP Singh took the wicket of Jayasuriya and decided to show us his hairy chest which I wasn't particularly a fan of. Deccan were looking worse for wear but the strategic time out did it, and they won by 12 runs.

Malinga the Slinger was looking good, as was JP Duminy, but in the end, the West Indians won the day. Fidel Edwards and Dwayne Smith were priceless in the win against Mumbai.

So while the commentators were chatting about Sartre and other equally cricket-related things, I noticed a few interesting things on the field:

Gilly looks terrible in the blue uniform. It just makes him look creepy. Of course, his wasn't the worse uniform of the night. The Mumbai cheerleaders won that category. WTF were they wearing? They looked like they'd decorated cossies with tinsel.

The Deccan Chargers' fielding coach Mike Young makes Anzac Day sound like a joke.

Quote of the day:
"This is his day today. Before he left, someone put their hand on his head and said 'This is your day'." -Indian commentator on Herschelle Gibbs. I couldn't pick who the commentator was, but it was a funny quote.

Ad of the day:
Brad McEwan and ONE Technology on the Nintendo DSi:
Brad: *into recorder* I love Sports Tonight.
Harvey Norman dude: You do. I love watching it.

And then Brad goes all suggestive on us and says: "Well, there you go. The Nintendo DSi. Plenty of fun in a small package."

Cheers, Brad.

Weird Al ahead of Delhi match

Clever pun there, I have to say. Albie is being a little weird about secrets and what to disclose about his SA compatriots to Chennai team mates in this year's IPL:

"We've been given specific instructions by our boards not to reveal all our secrets, especially with the World Twenty20 coming up in a couple of months' time."

Okay, I get that. But then he starts spouting vague phrases which make my head spin:

"It's not that we don't talk, but we don't reveal all our strategies. That is as per instructions from our boards. We cannot show off all our secret weapons and there's not much we can do about it. It's true not just for me, but for the others as well."

WHAT SECRET WEAPONS? I think I'm missing out on something infinitely awesome here. Do South Africa have an arsenal of WMDs ready to be unleashed on other teams for the World Cup? Have they been feeding Duminy radioactive slime in order to power him up even more? Has Graeme Smith invented a batting shot which will blow everyone's minds away? Is Sybrand coming into the team to show off his ambidextrous fielding abilities?

I really want to know.

I bet AB's been telling Delhi all about Albie's weaknesses. Dan in particular. HI ALBIE IS BETTER AGAINST FAST BOWLERS OKAY? But little does he know that Albie is also excellent against spinners. Just not as excellent. Which is the point. Damn.

What is AB's weakness? Players saying the Lord's name in vain? That must piss him off.

Or is Graeme his weakness?

Jonty Rhodes and fielding captains

Over at Cricinfo, Jonty's been suggesting that IPL teams should have a fielding captain who monitors the field and sets fielding placements. It's an offshoot of John Buchanan's multiple captain theory.

Whatever. Don't care. I'm more interested in his choice of the best fielders in the world:

• JP Duminy
• AB de Villiers
• Andrew Symonds
• Paul Collingwood

Where the fuck is Sybrand? Don't tell me bloody AB is a better fielder than him. AB doesn't attack each and every ball in his general vicinity violently. Sybrand does. AB isn't able to throw the ball equally well with either hand. Sybrand is.

Jonty's just afraid of being upstaged by someone with better hair than him.

Sybrand moves through hyperspace to take catches.

It looks like Wayne Parnell's trying to eat that bat. Delicious bats these days. Must be a Kookaburra, I hear they're adding exotic flavours to bats now.

Albie is out

Johnson bowled him.

The bastard.

This warrants its own post. I wish I hadn't told AB to give Albie the strike.

Now AB's on the way to 100, having gotten rid of the only player on the team who deserved glory. It was his plan all along. I should have known.

Hey Boucher, now that Albie's gone, how about you run AB out?

Too bad, the Echidna's on it, and AB's out. Fuck yes. That's how you take a catch. That's whose catch you take.

Hello Duminy. Feeling excited? Beat the crap out of Mitch. Just do something insane for once. Reveal emotions.

Am imagining a smug AB consoling Albie over his shit score. "It's okay, Albie, it's only 21 times smaller than mine." Cunning bastard.

Someone get out. This is boring. Oh wait, forget it, Boucher hit a six. Duminy's turn.

Haha, Johnson dropped Duminy on Bracken's ball. Bracken glared at him through his hair - nobody ever dropped anyone from Johnson's bowling.

Did anyone else notice Kallis had more runs than Albie? This is like the Twilight Zone.

Duminy and Boucher go seriously insane. I like it. 15 runs off Johnson's over. Apparently God does exist. I'm off to tell AB. (btw, Albie orchestrated this, payback for Johnson)

DUMINY IS OUT ON THE LAST BALL. That's hilarious. I bet he planned that, just to rub the insignificance of a wicket in the Aussies' faces. At least Mike Hussey took the catch. And strangely enough, Harwood has 2 wickets.

Stellar knock by Duminy. 40 off 25 balls. If you double that, he would have practically matched AB in 50 balls. Dodgy stats, but whatever. Anything to undermine AB's efforts.

South Africa 317/6. Australia stand no chance. There, I said it. Bring on some last ditch desperate attempts to salvage the match.

Sexy sexy Graeme

Peachy Maiden has noticed a fascinating photo of Graeme Smith and JP Duminy. Now, we know you're supposedly alpha male and all, but forcing yourself on a new player doesn't seem to be the best idea in the book, Graeme. This isn't a prison, it's a cricket pitch.

"Hello, JP, I notice you're cornered there. HERE'S A SURPRISE."

Maybe this explains why AB is so positive. He was traumatised for life the first time Graeme approached him in the dressing room.

Bingo, Clarke is Out (Accidental Live-Blogging)

Up goes the finger, Ntini strikes early, Duminy takes an easy catch at second slip, and Clarke is out in the second over, leaving them at 2/1. Ponting walks out looking Punterish. He won the fucking toss, didn't he? Now why is this happening? After the match he will take a leaf out of Katich's book and choke Clarke to teach him a lesson.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.

Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?

AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.

Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.

I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.

Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.

Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.

Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4

Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.

David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.

Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.

Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.

Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.

HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.

ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.

Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.

By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.

Microsleep...

Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.