KP thinks he's a star

Surely if you're one of they key players your team relies on to stand a chance of winning matches, you wouldn't actually go say it. In any case, that's not how it's done in England. Just as I'd almost forgotten KP is a South African (and therefore, the following makes total sense), he reminds us otherwise:

"England are not relying on one or two players. If you look at Australia during their good times, if Hayden didn't perform, Gilchrist did."

Fair enough, that's pretty true. But wait for him to essentially place himself in the same league as Hayden:

"The best thing about what's happening now is that if I fail like I did when I got a first-baller at Lord's, we still got a decent total."

Oh, how you make me laugh. It's a miracle, says KP. It's a miracle that England can perform well without him. He's the star player, the man who normally has to do it all. And now he doesn't.

Dear god. It's almost like he's acknowledging the truth, what many people have said. That KP is the key batsman for England, that he can win them matches. But the thing is, nobody has ever come out and said 'Yeah, I'm it. I'm the person who makes things happen for my team.' Yet KP essentially is, and he's managed to disguise it as a humble comment. Amazing.

A funny joke involving Ricky Ponting and his popularity

Apparently he is the most marketable sports star in Australia three years running. That's ahead of every other sportsperson we have in the country, every other intensely more likeable face on the sporting circuit. Those vitamins sure did Ricky a whole lot of good.

According to a survey conducted of the public by the Sweeney Sports Report between October 2008 and March 2009, Ricky has come out tops again, and Andrew Symonds has fallen dramatically to 36th on the list. Funny that.

The top 10 of the list are as follows:

1. Ricky Ponting (cricket)

2. Grant Hackett (swimming)

3.Adam Gilchrist (cricket)

4. Glenn McGrath (cricket)

5. Pat Rafter (tennis)

6. Ian Thorpe (swimming)

7. Stephanie Rice (swimming)

8. Cathy Freeman (athletics)

9. Steve Waugh (cricket)

10. Casey Stoner (motorcycling)

That's four cricketers in the top 10, Gilly, McGrath and Waugh being the other three. They're also retired, so there's that interesting fact to consider. Aussies really do love the men of the glory days.

"Only popular for you, baby. One for the vitamins."

Indians Respecting Roy

You've got to admire the man for making an effort in a show of solidarity, but is it possible that perhaps Gilly might have taken his praise too far? After saying he'd have Andrew Symonds in his Ashes squad, as would any mildly sane person I imagine, Gilly goes on to make his point a little farfetched:

"You saw a glimpse of that last year when he only played four games - the respect he had from the Indian players and international players alike. He became an instant favourite in the squad."

Because Symonds just commands respect, especially from Indian cricketers. Good one.

Roy and his biggest fan.

The Gilchrist Offensive

Pretty good, don't you reckon?

Okay, not just pretty good, but pretty fucking good. Just as the papers and headlines were talking about Shoaib's genital warts yesterday, it's Gilly all the way today. It was a great effort in the end which knocked the top dogs out of the competition.

I still don't like the look of him in that uniform. It highlights his more creepy qualities, and I couldn't for the live of me tell you what they are. It's intangible, the creepiness that blue uniform instils in Gilchrist.

According to Cricinfo, Gilly's opening partner Gibbs has gotten out for the most ducks this tournament, that being 4. I actually thought the honour would belong to a BRC player but they didn't give their openers enough games to do so. But maybe there should be an enquiry into Gibbs after the ridiculous KKR one involving Hodge being left out of the game. The fact that DC still succeeded despite Gibbs' duck just gives the idea more credibility. He was never good at fixing the game anyway.

Deccan Chargers finished up the match in the 18th over. In a semifinal. That's just really fucked up on some level, and I'm sure Delhi realise it. What's more, I'm sure AB realises it. No glory for him.

To mourn the loss of Delhi, if you're a fan of theirs, the infamous Page 2 has an interview with Dirk, which mostly seems to be about how much his kid wants to go to the beach. But there's some real gems in there:

"If I am not good enough to be in the top 30 Australian cricketers, I will eat my hat."

I can't think of another cricketer who would say that, and there should be more that do. But I'll eat my hat to that too.

You know the best compliment I got in this IPL? It came from AB [de Villiers]. He said, you have a beautiful family, fantastic kids and a wonderful wife. What more can I ask for?

And you also have God, Dirk. You also have God.

Bitchfights Lose You The Ashes

I've heard a lot of theories about why Australia lost the Ashes in '05, and while I'm more inclined to believe one of them over the others, the Times think they've cracked it.

I've never read Gilly's autobiography (I have read Hayden's cookbook. Delicious, my my) but:

"This issue started around the first Test and bubbled in the background for most of the tour. It was apparent, when the guys returned to the hotel from Lord’s, that some personality clashes had disrupted relations between the wives and partners . . . these things would work corrosively throughout the tour.

“A guy would go to dinner with his partner and hear bad things about someone else’s partner; you could be sure that the same was happening somewhere else, in reverse. So it ended up that some of the guys were suffering from their divided loyalties.”

So there you go. Bitchfights really do lose you the Ashes.

Simone and Rianna take their frustration out on each other.

A Tough Question

Can I be arsed watching the rest of the IPL? I've already dwindled down on the matches I catch, and that's usually only because the first one is shown at a time when I don't mind watching it.

But if the IPL were 20 days shorter, I wouldn't be feeling bored right now. Around the same time Lalit Modi is declaring this year's IPL a wonderful success, legions of cricket fans are turned off it completely.

I will watch the finals, because that's the only part of it that counts. And I will watch tonight's match between Chennai and Mumbai. Guess who'll win? Hopefully not the latter. And hopefully - I don't know how many times I'm going to say this before it comes true - Albie will hit the fucking ball and get a decent score.

Raina's ill form in the past few matches has caused him to slip down the leading run scorer's table. He is now 4th, behind Hayden, Gilly, and oh fuck... AB. But only by 4 runs. When did AB get back in the game anyway? There's a margin of almost 160 runs between 1st and 2nd. Hilarious.

How To Avoid The Topic

Don't mention Deccan's loss.

Don't mention your arch nemesis' 44. Do mention his dropped catch.

But most of all, don't mention the fact that even Gilly's 64 couldn't save his team.

That's how I avoid the topic.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

--

Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.

Sickness Affects All

Even England, even the West Indies. On the one hand, they actually did a hell of a job to get 7 wickets on the first day, but on the other hand, hello dropped catches.

Amusing. Ravi Bopara is the only one avoiding all this sickness. His century is what did it for England. Looks like that No. 3 spot isn't going to be going to any of the oldies anytime soon. I'm really liking Bopara as well, but I suppose that's more so because of his maiden test century in Barbados.

John Buchanan also has the sickness. It's spreading fast. He wants Gilly or Warnie heading the T20 World Cup team. For fuck's sake, leave them be. They're retired and I think they're pretty damn okay with that. In any case, I don't know why he's offering his own advice anyway, considering how big a failure he has made of the Knight Riders.

But unfortunately, the most sick person of all is me. In the past 24 hours, I seem to have come down with the mother of all colds, leading me to believe it is perhaps the flu. And not the swine flu, although I wouldn't be surprised this is some sort of karmic payback for making that swine flu joke last night when I sneezed.

So if I'm mysteriously absent or just plain crazy, fear not. I'm just in my own personal hell. My eyes are welling up with tears right now, but not because I'm sad. Instead it's the darn sickness making my eyes water like crazy. Or maybe it's Graham Onions hiding in my house.

Jacques in the Top 5

Q has the current leading run scorers in the IPL up on his blog. I've never really looked at these as they're updated. Last I heard AB was somewhere in the top 5, but thankfully, he dropped out quickly.

Leading Batsmen
1. Matthew Hayden (CSK) - 6 inn, 246 runs at 41.00
2. Suresh Raina (CSK) - 6 inn, 232 runs at 38.67
3. Brad Hodge (KKR) - 7 inn, 230 runs at 46.00
4. Jacques Kallis (RCB) - 7 inn, 220 runs at 36.67
5. Adam Gilchrist (DC) - 6 inn, 210 runs at 41.80

What the fuck is Jacques Kallis doing on that list? NOOOOOOOOOO the world is crumbling around me.

Devastating is what this is. Kallis has made a mockery of T20 cricket. Maybe people will actually start believing he's a real T20 batsman. That would be the worst day of my life.

And for anyone who says his figures speak for themselves, SO DO HIS BOWLING FIGURES.

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

Washed out by Deccan Chargers

Here we go, the second match of the day was abandoned due to rain. Thank god, because I actually wouldn't have been able to watch it. Channel ONE decided to show us the Chinese Grand Prix between the two matches. Fuckers. I had things to do and places to be so I eventually sacrificed the game for a bit of sleep.

But Mumbai vs. Deccan Chargers. Throughout the game, the commentators kept talking about how great the Deccan innings was, but I never felt it to be honest. They seemed to get a boundary every few balls and a hell of a lot dot balls in between. It was a choppy innings and when they initiated their collapse I was still a little bored by the match.

Mumbai came on and for the first 10 overs, looked right on track. RP Singh took the wicket of Jayasuriya and decided to show us his hairy chest which I wasn't particularly a fan of. Deccan were looking worse for wear but the strategic time out did it, and they won by 12 runs.

Malinga the Slinger was looking good, as was JP Duminy, but in the end, the West Indians won the day. Fidel Edwards and Dwayne Smith were priceless in the win against Mumbai.

So while the commentators were chatting about Sartre and other equally cricket-related things, I noticed a few interesting things on the field:

Gilly looks terrible in the blue uniform. It just makes him look creepy. Of course, his wasn't the worse uniform of the night. The Mumbai cheerleaders won that category. WTF were they wearing? They looked like they'd decorated cossies with tinsel.

The Deccan Chargers' fielding coach Mike Young makes Anzac Day sound like a joke.

Quote of the day:
"This is his day today. Before he left, someone put their hand on his head and said 'This is your day'." -Indian commentator on Herschelle Gibbs. I couldn't pick who the commentator was, but it was a funny quote.

Ad of the day:
Brad McEwan and ONE Technology on the Nintendo DSi:
Brad: *into recorder* I love Sports Tonight.
Harvey Norman dude: You do. I love watching it.

And then Brad goes all suggestive on us and says: "Well, there you go. The Nintendo DSi. Plenty of fun in a small package."

Cheers, Brad.

Mighty losses

So Australia lost.

And Bangalore lost.

I won't mention anything about that first loss, but Gilly was absolutely smoking out there. So was Rohit Sharma, of course, but Gilchrist was amazing. We'll be seeing a lot more of this in the matches to come.

Jesse was out for a duck. Something is seriously wrong with him. KP was out on 11, but he took 2 wickets so he's probably secretly pleased with himself. But not as pleased as Dravid who's showing he's the real rock of the team. He made 48, and Kohli made a half century to save face for Bangalore.

Deccan Chargers: The team everyone forgets

Don't deny it, you don't think much of them. In fact, everyone's too busy getting excited about the strong teams in the competition who stand a real chance of winning it. It's always Kevin this, Freddie that, Dhoni this, Shane that. Money, money, money. Must be funny in the rich man's world. While Dhoni fumes at being worth less than two other players, the Deccan chargers have practically dropped off everyone's radar.

So who are they?

Oh, right. The team with Adam Gilchrist, I remember now. And Andrew Symonds. VVS Laxman. RP Singh. Fidel Edwards. Chaminda Vaas. Those are pretty big names, so why not more success for the Chargers? The truth is... they're just a bit shit. Comparatively. Maybe it's Herschelle Gibbs' fault. I hear he's been helping the entire team get high in their hotel. Even Gilchrist.

Pity they were pegged as one of the favourites to win the first season of the IPL. Something went seriously wrong between that and the many matches they lost.

As a side note, you know who's not going to become a great cricket commentator on television? Adam. I've never seen more crazy eye movement during a short pitch report before.

Buchanan speaks the obvious

Apparently Australia had a brilliant opening pair who helped them immensely in dominating the game, before they retired in fairly quick succession of each other.

And now Australia are fucked.

His words, not mine.