The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

Buchanan the cunning bastard

We see what he's doing there, cavorting with the enemy and then having the guile to say it's not Ashes talk. Trying to get Australian officials and players paranoid, are we? Yes indeed is the answer. Clever fellow, here's John Buchanan dodging the real truth:

"I did drop in and see some cricket officials in England on my way home from South Africa but it was a fleeting visit. There have been no negotiations, and nothing about the Ashes."

Or so he says.

Contrary to his poorly disguised lies, I have some contacts who tell me on very good authority that Buchanan was recently seen sneaking into ECB offices holding a sack full of cooking utensils designed for camping in the bush. Or in some quiet woods in northern England, I suppose.

Don't believe his lies, Warnie says he's evil and so he must be. He's fucked in the head, and the Kolkata Knight Riders are one way to prove this. Part of me hopes he does become England's coach development manager because then he'll send some of the players mad as he has attempted to do so to many other international players.

But the other part of me knows better.

Sickness Affects All

Even England, even the West Indies. On the one hand, they actually did a hell of a job to get 7 wickets on the first day, but on the other hand, hello dropped catches.

Amusing. Ravi Bopara is the only one avoiding all this sickness. His century is what did it for England. Looks like that No. 3 spot isn't going to be going to any of the oldies anytime soon. I'm really liking Bopara as well, but I suppose that's more so because of his maiden test century in Barbados.

John Buchanan also has the sickness. It's spreading fast. He wants Gilly or Warnie heading the T20 World Cup team. For fuck's sake, leave them be. They're retired and I think they're pretty damn okay with that. In any case, I don't know why he's offering his own advice anyway, considering how big a failure he has made of the Knight Riders.

But unfortunately, the most sick person of all is me. In the past 24 hours, I seem to have come down with the mother of all colds, leading me to believe it is perhaps the flu. And not the swine flu, although I wouldn't be surprised this is some sort of karmic payback for making that swine flu joke last night when I sneezed.

So if I'm mysteriously absent or just plain crazy, fear not. I'm just in my own personal hell. My eyes are welling up with tears right now, but not because I'm sad. Instead it's the darn sickness making my eyes water like crazy. Or maybe it's Graham Onions hiding in my house.

Another dig at Buchanan

Wow, these come on coming. And they're not even subtle in the slightest.

Sports editor of India Today, Sharda Ugra, wants to see foreign players and coached playing a smaller role in the IPL, which is, after all, meant to be for Indian players.

But she's not about to stop at simply making a suggestion for Indian coaches, she's going to be make a comment about a particular coach, omitting the name of this foreigner:

"Some of the foreign coaches have not even played Test cricket, that's why they don't know how to respect talent at the international level. No wonder, players like Ganguly are being ill-treated."

No need to be tactful there. By the way, Ganguly's sending over a giant cheque to Ugra for a quarter of his lifetime earnings.

Ganguly's first over

Two wickets, he is mighty pleased with himself.

Take that, John.

The other players are trying desperately to suck up to their Dada.

Whatever, peasants. He doesn't need your grovelling.

Who's your Dada now? Ganguly says.

Ponting and Sangakkara back Buchanan

They actually like his multiple captain theory amidst a frenzy of effigy burnings and publicly unsupportive outbursts. At least someone's on John Buchanan's side. He's a little disappointed, however. He was hoping that after years of bad relations, Warnie would come to his rescue. It was not the case, sadly.

"I know Tassie actually experimented with that a few years ago. One was doing the field placings and one was doing the bowling changes. So it just sort of lightened the load up on the actual captain and gave him a bit more opportunity to think about different things. I don't see there's a lot of problems with it."

I myself would never go to Ricky to get an opinion on anything. He has a point, though. Jonty Rhodes was saying pretty much the same thing earlier. The only question is, if there's a captain for bowlers and a captain for fielders, WHERE DO THE OTHER TWO COME FROM? A captain for shining the ball? A captain for disagreeing with the other captains? They should be cleverly assigned roles like this to make it less confusing.

Kumar Sangakkara is supportive of the idea but also a little more sceptical, as he should be:

"If it's a way to go forward and it shows results, why not? Hopefully, it's not a marketing gimmick. Something to create more interest towards that one franchise and to get the public to say 'Well, we'll follow the Knight Riders from here on.'"

Buchanan is fuming at this insinuation, despite it having been said in earnest. I don't know where Kumar's getting these ideas that the idea will make the public want to support the KKR. After the effigies Ganguly fans were burning in Kolkata, I think that's the last thing that's likely to happen.

Shittiest effigy ever, no doubt.

Buchanan: "The Art of War by Sun Tzu written to describe T20"

Yes, he actually said that. No, he wasn't on drugs. Although, what a crack thing to say. Sometimes I feel a little sorry for John Buchanan. He's played a major role in the success of Australia's cricket team, yet people always seem ready to disregard his contributions and efforts. Hi, Shane Warne.

There's an interview with Buchanan up at The Times website and it's actually quite interesting. Aside from the usual journalist bullshit of describing how firm his handshake is, it's actually quite a decent read. In it, he explains his "multiple-captain theory":

“My four-captain policy has been misinterpreted by most people and I would just like to clarify it. Basically I will not select a squad captain but will select a captain for each match."

That makes a little more sense, but it still doesn't seem any better an idea than before. Having many heads poking into the thinking process can be described as beneficial, but there's also a load of negative effects that then come into play if everyone thinks they're captain.

It's alright, though, because we soon discover this isn't Buchanan talking. He's been possessed by a mysterious man who could possibly be behind a number of ancient Chinese Proverbs, Sun Tzu:

“My favourite book of all time is The Art of War by the Chinese military genius Sun Tzu, written some 5000 years ago. I think this book was written to describe Twenty 20 cricket."

Creepy.

Buchanan also reveals what a sick bastard he is, telling us about what he made the Australian cricketers endure after their 2005 Ashes loss:

“When we lost the Ashes (2005) over there I made the players watch the England celebrations and from that moment our preparations for the next Ashes were born.”

Never mind this motivated the team to cleansweep the next Ashes series, but that is psychological torture.

"They perform better in training when I stand alongside them with a handful of cricket balls, telling them about their lack of balls."

Buchanan speaks the obvious

Apparently Australia had a brilliant opening pair who helped them immensely in dominating the game, before they retired in fairly quick succession of each other.

And now Australia are fucked.

His words, not mine.

Buchanan calls on Charl Langeveldt

The infamous coach of the Kolkata Knight Riders, John Buchanan, has announced he has called on South African Charl Langeveldt to help out his players, after the change in pitch conditions in SA as opposed to India worried him a little.

Langeveldt is 34 and has been out of SA cricket for a while after an incident with Cricket South Africa. Since then, he has been playing domestic cricket in England for Derbyshire. Apparently the money they're offering Langeveldt to circumvent his Kolpak contract is significant. Not superstar big, but big enough for a player who's near the end of his career.

According to Buchanan, Langeveldt may open the bowling with Ishant Sharma.