England losing and other interesting stuff

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

England's women fare well

Amidst all this talk of Australia's pathetic performances and the chance that two minnows may make it into the Super Eights stage, there is the point to note that there is an English side that stands a chance of winning this tournament, and it's their women's side.

The boys could learn a lot from their women who cleaned up the Kiwis in a practice match. Knowing the men's team, a warm-up against New Zealand would have met exactly the opposite result. I do believe Amy S. the cricketer played for New Zealand. Nice. I don't know why, but I inevitably end up supporting New Zealand in cricket matches. It just happens, I have no control over it. Maybe I do like the poor fellows across the sea.

In tonight's matches (or today's, depending on where you are) it's South Africa against NZ, and the Netherlands against Pakistan. Bit of a no-brainer, seeing as I've just said the thing about my inability to go against New Zealand. The Kiwis over SA, and the Dutchmen over Pakistan. The first of these because I couldn't stand die AB doing his usual shit again, and then overdoing the humility afterwards. Also because I need Dan the Man to play today and unleash the power of his spectacles on die AB. I'm all in favour of Albie topscoring for the saffas, though. Really, it's the only outcome I'm in favour of.

As for the Netherlands over Pakistan, imagine the Super Eights being comprised of A QUARTER minnows and three quarters usual teams. That's almost unheard of. Also because their uniform is orange and no other country would have the balls to do that. I mean, look at them. So many variations of green and blue it's not funny. That's why the orange trumps all, even if they only chose it because all the other colours were taken.

I'm trying to imagine just how stupid Ricky Ponting feels, but I cannot seem to accurately imagine the magnitude of it.

How I laughed

A distinct lack of postage today. Apologies for that, I had a long day in the office. Thankfully, tonight I head back to Sydney, escaping the bitter cold of Canberra for another few weeks. How I despise Winter.

There is one significant thing I'm going to mention, and that is Australia's exit from the World Twenty20. If that isn't the most hilarious thing to happen all tournament (perhaps even slighty funnier than England's loss to the Netherlands) I don't know what is. For all the time they spent not caring about Twenty20, Australia now look like a bunch of idiots. The equivalent of a team like Scotland.

To think that Australia are ranked number 1 in another form of the game.

And another thing. In the closing moments of the match, as Sri Lanka hit the winning runs, I could have sworn Ricky Ponting almost laughed. I would too if I were the captain of a shithouse team. Ajantha Mendis didn't even have to do all too much to make the Australians bow down to him.

Ireland are also in the Super Eights. This tournament is possibly the strangest thing to occur since glow-in-the-dark rabbits.

Ireland beating Bangladesh?

Come on, make it happen. Ireland's bowlers sure as fuck seem determined to do so.

70/5 and more than halfway through the match. Not a bad score if Bangladesh accelerate in the last 7 overs like a better team would, but you know... it's Bangladesh.

I can't say much though, because they've beaten bigger fish before.

Warm-up matches and other irrelevant stuff

South Africa beat Pakistan.
Australia beat Bangladesh.
New Zealand beat India (hahahaha, yay)
And Ireland beat the Netherlands in a Super Over.

That's Super stuff. Apparently Dirk was the best Dutch bowler there. Well, yeah.

New Zealand continue their Twenty20 reign over India. I do like the Black Caps. I wouldn't mind if they won the tournament either.

But I will tell you something about the South Africa match. AB is run out for 2, in comes Albie and hello 32 RUNS. Hahahaha. Off 14 balls as well. But then again, it was against Pakistan. Don't give a shit. Albie is going to beat everyone to the ground this tournament. I can tell.

Ireland for Test cricket

I didn't mention it before and now I'll just talk about it briefly.

Ireland want to be considered for Test status. They think they've proven themselves in all formats of the game and the ICC should consider this. Their managers have come out with comments saying Ireland should play a test match against Bangladesh or Zimbabwe and prove their worth.

Maybe becoming a Test nation is the next place for Ireland to go.

Go Boyd Rankin. I just needed to work that in there.

Ireland win the World Cup Qualifiers

Yes they do. I am pleased indeed, but also disappointed because Afghanistan didn't make it to the World Cup. No fear, they still have next time, and I'm certain the team will be even stronger contenders in years to come.

The 4 teams going to the 2011 World Cup: Ireland, Canada, Netherlands and Kenya, qualifying in that order. Those are some strong teams, maybe they'll beat Bangladesh.

I'm only joking, of course Ireland will beat Australia. It's the only possible outcome.

The man of the tournament was Netherlands' Edgar Schiferli. Interesting name.

Afghanistan came fifth, winning their last match against Scotland. It's not even a consolation prize, because considering the work they've put it in to get this far, every win is an important win.

Ireland make the World Cup

Okay, I'll admit it. It was me. I had a chat to the Dutch skipper before the game and he agreed it would be in everyone's best interests to lose the game, preferably by 5 wickets or more.

He one-upped me and lost by 6 wickets. Good man.

Ireland reached their target in 45 overs. Eoin Morgan and skipper William Porterfield sealed the outcome with a 117-run partnership for the second wicket in just 17 and a half overs.

Now we'll be seeing them beating people in the 2011 World Cup.

Ireland, you bloody beauty

Apparently I'm backing Ireland, just because they're Ireland. It's a good reason. Who wouldn't want Ireland to win something? Maybe a long time ago, my family came from Ireland. That would be interesting. Potato Famine to England to Convict Land. So really, I'm just being loyal to my country here.

Ireland have beaten UAE in the World Cup Qualifiers, bowling them out for 133 and then reaching that target in under 30 overs. Winning this match has meant their points have tallied up and now Ireland are almost definitely one of the four teams to go to the 2011 World Cup. They're one of the only teams that stands a chance against the giants.

Anyway, there's an Irish bowler who's a little interesting. In the match against UAE, he took 2 wickets, which, if I exaggerate a little, won them the match. In that his wickets were what started the UAE collapse. Boyd Rankin is his name. He took the wickets of both openers, Amjad Javed and Arshad Ali, before Peter Connell finished up Khurram Khan. That had UAE at 3/3. Brilliant, if I may say so myself. Regan West, another Irish bowler, picked up 3 wickets, including the one of Fayaaz Ahmed, who put up a stand of 63 from 65 balls later in the innings.

But Boyd. Interesting guy. He's 6'8" and pretty good looking. I'm only pointing that out because it's obvious. Can't blame me for noticing.

He's also got a number of great wickets on his list, including Michael Vaughan, Herschelle Gibbs, and most importantly, AB de Villiers. Anyone who gets the censorship king out is a friend of mine.

It's Vaughan. And he's out.

Ireland and giant-killing

Ireland is the strongest team amongst the minnows that are currently competing in the World Cup Qualifiers. I like them. They have shown they can beat some of the stronger teams in the world, the 2007 World Cup being the perfect example of this.

But this giant-killing, why are they so successful? Is it the leprechauns harnessing their mystical shamrock powers and destroying those who are taller than them?

No. It isn't. It is just clever work on the Irish team's part to avoid the one part of the world where they will undoubtedly lose due to external factors. In this case, the external factor is an animal.

The Irish cricket team is avoiding Australia and our snakes. I'm onto them.

"Ah, shit, she's figured it out."