Albie's fate in the World T20

I don't want to dwell on this for too long because it is truly a sad, sad thing that such injustices are happening in the world. But Albie Morkel... he didn't have a good time in the 2nd ICC World T20. He didn't have a good time at all.

And to think that last time he was one of its stars. I try to figure what it is that could be leading to his (relatively) dismal performance and inevitably, I reach the conclusion that he is either going in too late or with a shitload of pressure on him. Usually it's a combination of the two.

So I ask South Africa, why do you want to have your cake and not eat it? The original expression is pure rubbish, of course you should eat your bloody cake if you have it or it will go stale, and I've always felt this is more pertinent. Why the fuck do South Africa want to keep Albie's mutant powers in their clutches but then fail to utilise and capitalise on them? It's not as though he's a robot and he'll be just dandy again when they decide to dust him off sometime in the future, because human beings rust.

Okay, no they don't. Robots rust, but I just want you to think carefully here and not get confused by shit analogies, what is wrong with South Africa? They must be behind Albie's lack of firepower since around about January this year. Yes, my dears. I know which month he was last successful.

Clearly if you're walking around saying "Oh, but we have Albie Morkel. He can really hit the ball well" you'd actually turn around and play Albie? Yes? YES FUCKING YES. That is the answer. Die Mickey Arthur and damn you to hell right afterwards. On top of that, die Graeme Smith for being a flat-faced asshole and sticking around to make decent scores against rubbish sides like Scotland and Bangladesh but then failing to do so against tougher competition. That, by the way, is the perfect segue for me to completely devalue die AB's 79* against Scotland. DO IT AGAINST A REAL TEAM, BASTARD. And don't tell me now that he did because I don't want to hear it, I really don't.

In 5 innings, Albie made 54 runs. That's an average of 18. Fuck me if that isn't a rubbish conversion of ability into results. In a similar 5 innings, Jacques Kallis averaged 59.50. Surely, surely, if Jacques can open the batting and make that many runs, Albie would be far more capable of doing well if he were higher up the order. But no, Sticky Mickey has it in for him. He does, I know. I can tell from the evil glint in Mickey's eyes.

Albie's bowling average was the second highest on the team, bettered by everyone except Jacques. But then again, Jacques was the second-highest run scorer in the tournament and IS A FAT FUCK WITH A DOUGHNUT ADDICTION SO HE GETS OFF SCOT-FREE. In a shit consolation, Albie bowled a wicket maiden this tournament. Boo freaking hoo. It's not like he existed for the rest of it anyway.

And as for die AB, I'm not even going to mention anything of his. He can also go to hell with Mickey Arthur and try not to be so disgustingly successful next time. I'd tell him to go play lawn bowls but then he'd turn out to be good at that too.

Shithead.

But whatever, Albie is over South Africa. He is moving to Guatemala to play some real cricket and teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe he'll also migrate to the Netherlands and really rub it in.

In the words of Marie Antoinette, and Albie himself, "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

Kyle Coetzer is a bloody genius

Via The Corridor, finally the footage of that excellent catch by Kyle Coetzer is available. Best catch ever, or at least in this tournament. The only thing that could have made it better is if it was die AB's wicket, and it wasn't but oh well:



The Scots are clever freaks. I like them.

Vettori Blues

There's concern as to whether Dan Vettori will be fit in time for the match against South Africa tomorrow. He missed the Scotland one and New Zealand pulled through, but they're going to need him for this upcoming match if they stand any chance of going further.

Why oh why did he have to fall on his shoulder during practice? That just creates a whole lot of drama I don't like at all.

The thing is, New Zealand need Dan fit by Tuesday. And so do I. Because I just really need him to take die AB's wicket.

Die AB

I have no idea what you're talking about. The title of this post is merely written in Afrikaans. It translates to "The AB" as you are no doubt aware.

Why on earth would I want AB de Villiers to actually die? Is it the unbeaten 79 off 35 balls? The 75 not out off 35 balls? The 6 sixes? 5 fours? No, really, tell me exactly what it is that would make me WANT AB DE VILLIERS TO DIE.

Jesus. That's exactly the response he wanted to get out of me.

Don't mind me. I just haven't slept for 48 hours. I'm sure that's the only reason I'm feeling so STRANGE right now. Or wait, could it be AB downplaying the massive score of 211 his team posted? Could it?

In any tournament every team wants to develop the big ‘M’ – momentum – as soon as possible, and that’s exactly what we took from our opening match against Scotland at the Oval this afternoon.

The big 'M', huh? What's that, die AB? Are you English now? Fuck.

We respected the opposition, but managed to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately earned a comfortable win.

YES, SO MUCH RESPECT THAT 75 WAS. SO VERY MUCH RESPECT. I'm so pleased you "managed" to perform with a degree of intensity that ultimately ensured a "comfortable" win. I wasn't quite sure you'd "manage" there. And gee, it was a tough one, wasn't it? That "comfortable" win didn't come by easily.

There were some nerves around the squad in the morning, but Graeme Smith and
Jacques Kallis established a fantastic platform at the top of our innings and the rest of us were able to take advantage and ensure we posted a decent score of 211.

DIE AB, DIE AB, DO YOU CALL 211 SIMPLY A "DECENT" SCORE? It's South Africa's largest T20 score to date. What a "decent" score.

I was pleased with my knock, and once again enjoyed batting at the Oval – it’s a great deck and an excellent outfield.

Yes, I do believe the outfield was instrumental in you scoring your very many sixes. The ball just RACED over the outfield, it practically flew. The fielders could do nothing about it. Well done, groundsmen. Well done on creating an outfield perfect for sixes.

So it was a pretty decent afternoon all around.

I HAVE NO WORDS.

I cannot even begin to explain why he irks me so. You might take the above comments to be gracious and respectful towards the opposition who SA absolutely smashed, but I know for certain that any other player on the team (except Jacques Kallis) would have put it in such a way which didn't downplay their own efforts to the extent that Scotland is practically ridiculed. It's all AB. Die AB, that AB, he's such a great sportsman.

Okay, it may be the lack of sleep making me this frantic. But damn, die AB pisses me off so fucking much I do not have words to explain it.

In the same match, Albie shared a sizeable partnership with die AB and ended up getting 24 from 14 balls, including two sixes. He was then caught by the best Scottish player on the side that day Kyle Coetzer, who also smashed Albie for two sixes and thus made him the most expensive South African bowler. Lucky he took two wickets.

Look, someone who doesn't piss me off. Hurrah.

Jacques Kallis made 48... from 41 balls. I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen.

Ireland win the World Cup Qualifiers

Yes they do. I am pleased indeed, but also disappointed because Afghanistan didn't make it to the World Cup. No fear, they still have next time, and I'm certain the team will be even stronger contenders in years to come.

The 4 teams going to the 2011 World Cup: Ireland, Canada, Netherlands and Kenya, qualifying in that order. Those are some strong teams, maybe they'll beat Bangladesh.

I'm only joking, of course Ireland will beat Australia. It's the only possible outcome.

The man of the tournament was Netherlands' Edgar Schiferli. Interesting name.

Afghanistan came fifth, winning their last match against Scotland. It's not even a consolation prize, because considering the work they've put it in to get this far, every win is an important win.

UAE bowler reported in same vein as Botha

There seem to be a lot of suspect doosras going around these days. Fayyaz Ahmed of UAE has been reported for a suspect bowling action in their match against Canada on Wednesday.

An umpire has said

"Ahmed bowls with a suspect action which is accentuated when bowling the doosra".

Bad news.

The UAE cricket board has been told to assess his bowling action. Ahmed will still play against Scotland.

The midgets of cricket

Less significant than the giants, some of these teams don't even get counted as minnows. Who said I don't care about them? See this? This is me. Caring. At the moment, there are several interesting international cricket matches going on for the 2011 World Cup Qualifier:

Oman vs. Scotland - Scotland have set an imposing score of 273, with a KJ Coetzer scoring 127 of those runs. I picked out a random name from the Oman side, and he's who I'm pegging to save the match, if anyone: Sultan Ahmed.

Netherlands vs. United Arab Emirates - Netherlands are 259/9. ES Szwarczynski scored the highest at 56, before being caught by Naeemuddin Aslam off Fayyaz Ahmed. If UAE win, it will have been Khurram Khan who wins it for them.

Bermuda vs. Denmark - Absolutely shoddy performance by Denmark, getting all out for 157. Maybe they're depressed from the thought of paying 60% of their income in taxes. I know this stuff. Nobody did well enough in this team to deserve a mention, and Bermuda doesn't need a star player to win them this match. They should do it easily against a team like Denmark.

Afghanistan vs. Kenya - Kenya is world class. What brilliance, 282 from 50 overs, and only 5 wickets falling in this time. KO Otieno scored 109, A Obanda hit 60, and a few more worthy scores to round up their total. Afghanistan has no hope of winning this match, even with Asghar Stanikzai, who, in my mind, is capable of doing amazing things. Not that I'd know about Afghani cricket.

Canada vs. Namibia - "I am Canada, hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore," sings Helen Reddy. And she's right. You simply can't ignore the massive total of 319 that Canada have posted in their innings. Their opener JM Davison flew down from heaven to hit 131 runs, and IS Bilcliff complemented this with 61 more. A few other players have good performances too. Namibia gave away 15 wides though. How on earth is that even possible? 15 wides in an ODI? LP van der Westhuizen is not going to save their sorry asses.

And that is the report during the innings break. I do care about these teams.
...Seriously, I do.