Albie's fate in the World T20

I don't want to dwell on this for too long because it is truly a sad, sad thing that such injustices are happening in the world. But Albie Morkel... he didn't have a good time in the 2nd ICC World T20. He didn't have a good time at all.

And to think that last time he was one of its stars. I try to figure what it is that could be leading to his (relatively) dismal performance and inevitably, I reach the conclusion that he is either going in too late or with a shitload of pressure on him. Usually it's a combination of the two.

So I ask South Africa, why do you want to have your cake and not eat it? The original expression is pure rubbish, of course you should eat your bloody cake if you have it or it will go stale, and I've always felt this is more pertinent. Why the fuck do South Africa want to keep Albie's mutant powers in their clutches but then fail to utilise and capitalise on them? It's not as though he's a robot and he'll be just dandy again when they decide to dust him off sometime in the future, because human beings rust.

Okay, no they don't. Robots rust, but I just want you to think carefully here and not get confused by shit analogies, what is wrong with South Africa? They must be behind Albie's lack of firepower since around about January this year. Yes, my dears. I know which month he was last successful.

Clearly if you're walking around saying "Oh, but we have Albie Morkel. He can really hit the ball well" you'd actually turn around and play Albie? Yes? YES FUCKING YES. That is the answer. Die Mickey Arthur and damn you to hell right afterwards. On top of that, die Graeme Smith for being a flat-faced asshole and sticking around to make decent scores against rubbish sides like Scotland and Bangladesh but then failing to do so against tougher competition. That, by the way, is the perfect segue for me to completely devalue die AB's 79* against Scotland. DO IT AGAINST A REAL TEAM, BASTARD. And don't tell me now that he did because I don't want to hear it, I really don't.

In 5 innings, Albie made 54 runs. That's an average of 18. Fuck me if that isn't a rubbish conversion of ability into results. In a similar 5 innings, Jacques Kallis averaged 59.50. Surely, surely, if Jacques can open the batting and make that many runs, Albie would be far more capable of doing well if he were higher up the order. But no, Sticky Mickey has it in for him. He does, I know. I can tell from the evil glint in Mickey's eyes.

Albie's bowling average was the second highest on the team, bettered by everyone except Jacques. But then again, Jacques was the second-highest run scorer in the tournament and IS A FAT FUCK WITH A DOUGHNUT ADDICTION SO HE GETS OFF SCOT-FREE. In a shit consolation, Albie bowled a wicket maiden this tournament. Boo freaking hoo. It's not like he existed for the rest of it anyway.

And as for die AB, I'm not even going to mention anything of his. He can also go to hell with Mickey Arthur and try not to be so disgustingly successful next time. I'd tell him to go play lawn bowls but then he'd turn out to be good at that too.

Shithead.

But whatever, Albie is over South Africa. He is moving to Guatemala to play some real cricket and teach those bastards a lesson. Maybe he'll also migrate to the Netherlands and really rub it in.

In the words of Marie Antoinette, and Albie himself, "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

South African Comedians

How I wish I'd been there to see it. If only I'd had the chance, I would probably have laughed a whole lot more than I currently am now.

That doesn't mean Cricinfo hasn't saved me, because the age of the internet has made everything far more convenient and lovely for situations exactly like mine. It was this one match, thankfully I'll be watching the second semi and the finals, but damn this would have been one to watch.

Nevertheless, South Africa... gee, they're a bunch of funny fuckers. At the moment, they're conflicted. Should they put it down to choking or give all credit to Pakistan? They're really only one path, because Graeme Smith has already said "South Africa are not chokers" and will you look at that? They are. They're fucking chokers. A bunch of the most hilarious, stupidly, chokingly hysterical chokers. Try saying that real fast ten times. For the record, South Africa are going to give all credit to Pakistan. At least that way, they can pretend they're not chokers. Which they are.

I mean, what do I even say? Afridi is just fucking awesome, when he gets going. And all I have is figures to work on. For once, Albie wasn't the most expensive bowler on the side. I am pleased, he's making progress. Take that Mickey, you stupid piece of shit. Now who's the fucking allrounder? It's Albie. Even though he didn't do anything this match, HIS BOWLING WASN'T TERRIBLE. That's a relief.

On the subject of Afridi, he is made all the more awesome for blowing a kiss in Jacques' face. Goddamn, I would have killed to see that. Don't get ahead of yourself. I would have killed an AB, nobody else.

HA FUCKING HA in die AB's face. Out for 1, a useless dick, just the way I like it. Catching doesn't count either just because I say so. There is a photo of AB getting out. It is the best ever:

Any bowler who can make that happen is among the best in the world. And others may say that in a different way to me, in a "look at AB de Villiers, HE'S SO FUCKING HARD TO GET OUT" kind of way, but I say no. Getting die AB's wicket makes your moral compass automatically straighten towards north and no matter what you do, it will never swing south again.

What bowler wouldn't want that?

And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.

So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.

It's Afridi and he really likes it.

Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:

"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."

Boncam sends that last one in.

You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

How South Africa Plan to Win the World T20

They're doing it already, you can see the nasty gleam in their eyes. According to Mickey Arthur, they've got two plans of attack, depending on pitch conditions: spin or seam.

But wait, there's more:

“We have the personnel. Whether it’s strategy A or strategy B we have seven bowling options and the ability to bat to number ten.”

The ability to bat to number 10. He doesn't mean bat well, does he? Because those last few batsmen will be a little dodgy, perhaps.

So while South Africa are preparing to win this thing, Q at Well Pitched, thinks they cannot. Who will win? Mickey or Q? Or Q taking the mickey out of Mickey?

Of Banned Doosras, Johan Botha and Seedy Conversations

I've been in Perth for the last day which I hope explains my relative lack of posts. But more interesting is that while I was there, I decided it would be interesting to snoop around the University of WA for no particular reason except to make a pain of myself. And as I was walking past some labs, I overheard a conversation from an office which was rather suspicious:

South African voice: We need to make ut seem realestec of coorse.

Australian voice: Yes, clearing you for everything would be more than suspicious. We need to appease your critics in some way too.

SA: Hoping ut is easn't too harsh... All thet money...

A: I'm sure we could figure something out. It would have to be your doosra.

SA: Vot! Thet doosn't help me.

A: You're not paying me all that much, mate.

SA: Majola will dooble it!

A: And I'll half your penalty. The doosra to right-handed batsmen. It's close enough.

SA: Yip, that is fair I must say if they are going to let me play. Don't use it uften.

A: So we're done?

SA: We are done.

A: Wire the money to a Swiss bank account by tomorrow and I'll write the media release. Pleasure doing business with you.

And that is the story of how Johan Botha is not a chucker.

Botha was recently cited for his bowling action, but tests in Australia found that, with one exception, there is no problem. The exception is Botha’s doosra, the delivery that turns away from the right-hand batsmen. He has been banned from bowling this delivery.

Yeah... okay. I won't say anything right now.

Says Mickey Arthur:

“Johan used the delivery very sparingly and I don’t think it played a role in his success. He will still be an important weapon for us."

"A semi-chucker!!!"

To Albie - Love, AB

Heloo Albee I em just riting too tell yoo thenk yoo for helping me get cenchery in metch. I em gladd yoo ar thinkeng abowt yoor felloo south afrikans we ar best freinds YAH. Okay no Mornay is mai best freind but yoo ar sekund best aftar this thenk yoo. I will tell Mickey and Greame yoo ar grate and yoo shud be in Test team. Mornay is lost cais now eniway he is STILL not bak on team. So shaimfull dont yoo think? He is still mai best freind becos wat if he is sudenly gud! Eniway we haf too live toogethar so I hav too like him. End Jesus onli luvs those who luv everione else so I em just being gud christain.

Wat i em reelly sinding email for is too say thenk yoo for droping cach I now yoo did for me becos we ar good freinds but I em beter luking off corse! ha ha thet is a joke ORR IS IT???? I was reeding bibel yestiday end it sed too take victry with levil hed end too be nice to loosers so I em riting too yoo becos yoo lost end yoo ar the looser.

Yoo showd reel south afrikan spiritt end so did i even tho I hit yoo for six so meny times!! ha ha thet was funy wen I hit thet six end yoo wer probebly thinking oh no I wish I was AB!! Its okay lots of peepel went too be me. I em handsum and hav gud hair end I em gud at bating end feilding end wecketkeeping end sumtimes I boll too. I can also play teniss end golf end rugbi so I am all round starr dont yoo think? I also sing end play guitar end qwalifyed for Olimpycs in 16 defferent sports but didnt go so I cud play with yoo end mai SOUTH AFRIKANS!! I thenk we can agree I em qwite amaizing rite?

Alrite Albie I hav to go giv intervew with all famus newspepers end magezeens. Everione wents to talk too me becos I em amaizing! Bye, thenk yoo for not caching me end also for bolling were I cud hit it for six. Also thenks for not batting gud at the end wining mach for yoor team. Thenks Albie yoo ar grate even better then Greame! Yoo shud be captin of south afrika after I am of coorse! ha ha funni joke.

I hav too go but remimber too STAY SHARP!!


I actually just found the offending words from AB following the match. I think it fits in well here:

"It was a scratchy innings, especially the first 50 runs. I was a little bit of lucky to get to my century and thanks to Albie for giving me a chance."

That's what you call kicking a man when he's already down.

Mitchell Johnson and his goddamn respect

Why is this happening? Why can't I accept he might just be an all-rounder, and a good one at that? To those two questions, I have no answer. But what I do have is a traitorous comment by Mickey Arthur:

"We've got respect for Johnson down at eight, so they do theoretically bat down to eight."

What? What's that? You're not telling me the Aussie line-up is almost freaking invincible because they bat down to eight? If that isn't an imposing figure, then I don't know what is. Mickey's pep talks in the dressing room must be ridiculous:

"Hey, guys! Listen up, we're going to go out there and bat carefully, okay? You might not have heard but the Aussies have a strong batting order, they go right down to eight, so we've got to make our innings worth it, because even if we get 7 Aussies out, Mitchell Johnson might just come out and smash us for fifty! Dale, take 5 wickets, every time. It's not a big ask. I could do it. Everyone else, aim for one wicket. Especially you, Jacques. Getting old and fat isn't going to do you any favours. The moment I look at you and see myself, you're out of here. Right! So is that clear? Go out there and show 'em, boys."

You know what I'd rather Mickey had said about Mitch?

"What, Johnson, you mean Mitchell Johnson? A threat to our bowlers? *flippant laugh* Next question, please."

Not a goddamn pat on the back.
Maybe someday I'll like Mitch as an all-rounder. For the moment, I am inexplicably opposed to it. It's like Ishant Sharma deciding he'd like to become a great fielder, thanks. Out of his league. But apparently, for Johnson, completely within his limits.

Mickey Arthur interview

When he's not eating cricket balls, Mickey Arthur occasionally gives interviews with some interesting stuff about the South African cricket team.

"Tasty."

In a recent interview with SPIN, here's what he had to say about goals for his batsmen in Test matches:

I like the guys to take responsibility as a group. In every Test we ask the top six to get 300 runs in the first innings. That is their job.

What's weird about that? Nothing. But it's the next thing about bowlers that baffles me:

We encourage the bowlers to strive for 20 wickets.

...Oh, you mean, you encourage the bowlers to do the one thing that will win you the match? Genius! I'm sure no other team's ever had this game plan.

As is my humble duty, I will also point out he talked about Albie, if only for a line or two:

In terms of all-rounders Albie Morkel could be a Test all-rounder. I think he could be.

Whatever, Mickey, we all know you secretly hate Albie because his name is less ridiculous than yours. The reason Mickey loves Morne is precisely the opposite. Besides, remember what he said about Albie last time. Basically, Mickey wants Albie to get faster or more accurate. I vote faster. I love fast bowlers. Who would you rather be? Shoaib Akhtar or Glenn McGrath? There's a correct answer, and it's not Glenn McGrath.

Mickey says he doesn't want to coach England [yet]. But he's just signed that 3 year contract so I'm not expecting to hear him declare he'd love to coach England, and then return to coaching SA. But I hear he's being kept well fed in the SA camp. Apparently he signed a deal to receive 500 cricket balls a year.

Johnson: "I'm ready to pulverise Graeme's ribcage"

Moving on from the rather petty targets of hands, Mitchell Johnson has openly announced his enthusiasm for playing against Graeme Smith in the ODIs, claiming he'd "love to have a crack at his skull". Graeme Smith was coincidentally unavailable for comment, but shortly after Johnson's interview was broadcast on television, he is believed to have severely injured himself in a "freak accident involving a blender" and will sit out the ODI series.

“I have really enjoyed our contests that we’ve had. It’s always good to get the opportunity to bowl to an opening batsman with the new ball especially Graeme Smith who is such a great player."

These "contests" Mitchell speaks of are unknown to all. The only thing we saw was broken hands and blood. Blood on Jacques Kallis's face, who is also returning to the ODI squad after a groin injury.

Mickey Arthur has been making some inane comments about how South Africa are hoping to win the first ODI to gain momentum, etc. All the usual stuff.
Morne and Albie are both playing in the ODIs. The first one's on Friday. Should be funny to see how it goes.

MICKEY ARTHUR EXPLODES

Mickey Arthur is sitting in an office when a letter arrives for him. Excited, he opens it right away. He never gets real mail! Except for fan mail for Mickey Mouse. Inside is a plain piece of paper with the following written on it in barely legible writing:

My demands Mickey:
1. i went you to get rid off jacques.
2. tell greame i am better looking then him
3. i went too be batting number 4
4. pretend to the newspapiers i cant wecketkeep
5. dont make me wecketkeep
6. tell ashwell he is stupid
7. also tell him i beet him ha ha looser
8. does my hare look nice
9. i went to be the best batter in the world
10. i cant think off a number 10
sined,
AB

Mickey folds up the paper and tells his secretary to organise a chance meeting with journalists tomorrow.
The next day, on his way to Johannesburg, Mickey accidently runs into journalists, chats about the weather, and then begins a digression into the most newsworthy SA players at the moment, beginning with AB:

"We have not given in to demands from AB de Villiers that he be moved to No. 4 in the batting and be relieved of wicket-keeping responsibilities," he says, proud to be asserting his authority in such a public way.

Realising an excellent opportunity to practise impromptu speaking skills, he made up some more details:

“I had a long chat with AB and I spelt out where I thought his future lay. I said to him that I thought he should be at No. 4 in the long run, when Jacques decides to call it a day."

Little did AB know that Jacques was never going to call it a day, Mickey smiled to himself. The man was like a sloth. The journalists were looking at him expectantly, so Mickey continued to invent a story, pleased with himself:

“I think AB is the right person for that position — in fact I think he has the ability to become the best batsman in the world. To me, the No. 4 slot is where he should be. I then said to him that if he was going to bat at four, we would have to look elsewhere for a wicketkeeper because keeping and batting in such an important position would be too tiring."

The journalists were hastily scribbling down every word he said. It only took a minute for Mickey's insanity bubble to burst, as he realised what a stupid thing he'd done. If he pissed off AB, the guy would go play for England. And he was actually a useful batsman.

"The perception that AB has been making demands is simply incorrect,” he said, backtracking.

The journalists looked at him in confusion, and one opened his mouth to ask a question. Mickey interjected irritably. "Next, please," he said. "Who else do you want to know about?" And that is how they began talking Albie Morkel.

Now, Amy S is going to cut in here because her interior monologue is a thousand times better than Mickey's. When Albie debuted in the last test, I knew that he hadn't done enough with his bowling to absolutely cement his position in the side. Quite frankly, he isn't all that brilliant of a bowler anyway but I don't care SOSUEMEOKAY. At least he's got the right attitude. And the mental stamina. Yes he does.

Now sneaky Arthur's debating the possibility of Albie keeping a No. 7 or 8 spot and he's not so sure. Although SAfrica need an all-rounder in one of these positions, and a good one at that, his bowling is letting him down:

“Albie Morkel’s batting is fine but his bowling still has a question mark above it.”

Albie is a batting all-rounder, and he can handle the ball well enough, but he needs to be entirely convincing. And his pace and consistency are key issues.

“He needs that extra yard, which will make a huge difference because he swings the ball, but I think he can get faster, and consistency is a matter of constant practice.”

"Bah humbug!" says Albie, hearing Mickey's traitorous comments for the first time. "I'm bowling at or near 140km/hr!"
"Ja, Albie, but your bowling's not so precise."
"Whose side are you on, anyway?" Albie demands.
I cower beneath my chair. "Yours, of course. I'm just offering constructive criticism so that you can really get into the Test side."
Albie's never heard of that before: constructive criticism. He likes the sound of it. "Alright," he says, "you can do that. But don't tell me I'm shit. I'm really good, aren't I? Did you see me batting? DID YOU?"
"Yes, Albie, I say. You were amazing."
"I know," he says. "Did you see Morne?"
"...No."
"EXACTLY!" Albie bursts into hysterics, laughing a strange South African laugh. I leave him be.

Arthur went on to say that perhaps the all-rounder would need to bat at 7, and the wicketkeeper at 8. Possibly the best thing in the article for Albie is the fact that Morne doesn't get mentioned at all. I join Albie in the laughter for this one. It's cruel, because he's got the talent, but in these matters I side with Albie.

"Now who's the talented one, Morne? The answer is me. HAHA."

In AB's apartment:
AB: *finishes licking envelope to post to Mickey's office* Done!
Morne: That was funny. We should do this again sometime.
AB: I'm so clever, don't you think? I thought Demand No. 7 was very good.
Morne: You're better than Ashwell. Do you think I'm better than Dale?
AB: Well, seeing as I'm going to be the No. 1 batsman in the world, I think I need to tell you Morne that you're not very good.
Morne: What?
AB: Albie's better than you. He was batting with me, remember? He hit 58. But I hit 163 so obviously I win.
Morne: I'm coming back for the ODIs.
AB: You only got confirmation for the first two. I bet they'll drop you for the rest.
Morne: *crying in Afrikaans - it is a strange guttural sound not dissimilar to pigs crying*
AB: Oh, and I think now's the best time to tell you that you have to move out. I can't be seen living with a loser who's been dropped from the test squad if I want to be the best batsman in the world. I'm inviting Albie to move in.
Morne: *has a crazy Gunther attack and rips off AB's head, leaving a gaping hole which he then throws a cricket ball into*

Bet you weren't expecting the end. Morne's only slightly insane, of course.

Andre Nel Retires

Yesterday, Andre Nel announced his retirement from international cricket. Best known for being the only criminally insane psychopath to be allowed to play for his country, the schizophrenic Nel has backtracked to live up to the madman-turned-saint-upon-retirement cliché that was most recently seen after Matthew Hayden's retirement.

"It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from international cricket. Playing for my country for the last eight years was a dream come true for me. I would like to thank my captain, Graeme Smith, and my coaches, Mickey Arthur and Vinnie Barnes, and all my Proteas' teammates for their support and guidance."

Technically, he's only played 7 years, since his last matches for SA were in England last year. But we'll forgive him the mistake. After all, he's a nice person now.

He helps his team mates when they're feeling down...

And makes funny faces to mask his evilness.

He lets his team mates jump on him for fun.

And gives good jaw-clenched hugs to the needy.

If you cannot see the kindness now, you never will. It's a simple concept: Gunther is the evil one, Andre's the normal one - the certified accountant.

Gunther is coming to get you.

Andre's pretty thankful to a couple of other fellows:

"A special thanks to my two biggest mentors, Ray Jennings and Shaun Pollock. Without your advice and influence I would not have made it as far as I did."

Ah, Shaun Pollock, the traitorous ex-fast bowler who decided that medium-fast was good enough. He of the ginger head. Yes, I remember. Pollock's retirement speech was bollocks (sorry, couldn't resist):

"I realise I have been blessed by God and feel I have nurtured my talents to the best of my abilities."

Sounds fulfilling.

Cricket South Africa's CEO Gerald Majola was quick to assert himself as the master and Andre as the slave:

"He has been a good servant to South African cricket and I wish him all the best."

"That last part is a lie. I hope Gunther takes over his brain and blows up the whites."

Mickey Arthur is under the impression Andre was "a passionate player who always gave 110% for his country". Where does the extra 10% come from? Gunther? Or Nel's facial expressions?

But this isn't the end of Andre Nel, as he's contracted to play for Surrey in the English county season. Graeme Smith is so confused from tennis elbow that he interpreted this as Andre moving to England to play international cricket for them. He sought out Andre and had a verbal sparring match with him:

Graeme: How could you, Gunther! You're more treacherous than Kevin!

Andre: ARGH!!! I am Gunther!!!

Graeme: You're slating South Africa!

Andre: You're an absolute muppet, Graeme.

You can't escape the muppets, Graeme.

Graeme: I never want to see you on the field again!

Andre: ...You won't. But you'll be seeing GUNTHER again.

Surrey appears to be looking to boost their ranks by having an evil mastermind in their midst. They'll be hoping Gunther is coming down from his oxygen-deprived home in the mountains for a holiday, because they'll be needing his expertise in the field.

"Madness? I AM GUNTHER!!!"

Mickey Arthur is confused

Yes he is. Apparently he cannot fathom why South Africa "struggle" in the first test of a series. Well, someone's being unnecessarily kind to the SA team. It's more of a complete and utter soul-crushing collapse than a "struggle". Struggling is what you call England, in fact it is a term reserved for England. England is perpetually struggling. We take pity on them and leave it at "struggling". But SA on the other hand have regular brain explosions. They cannot win without being the losing side first. It's almost a way of life.

Mickey's also prepared to move to the Australian outback if that's what it takes:

“There are just too many commitments and things in Johannesburg that deflects attention. Players are asked to do things for team sponsors and even their own sponsors. I believe the team will prepare a lot better in a small city or town.”

Yes. You heard it here first. Forget nuclear testing and rabbit proof fences, we're gonna start renting out our land to the SA cricket team. Maybe they'll find happiness in Boggabilla in remote SA. It's even more perfect because Mickey Arthur can convince the dumb players that South Australia is really South Africa. So I guess that means the entire squad.

Although I'm sure Albie would figure it out.

"My hair may be thinning, but my brain isn't."