South African Comedians

How I wish I'd been there to see it. If only I'd had the chance, I would probably have laughed a whole lot more than I currently am now.

That doesn't mean Cricinfo hasn't saved me, because the age of the internet has made everything far more convenient and lovely for situations exactly like mine. It was this one match, thankfully I'll be watching the second semi and the finals, but damn this would have been one to watch.

Nevertheless, South Africa... gee, they're a bunch of funny fuckers. At the moment, they're conflicted. Should they put it down to choking or give all credit to Pakistan? They're really only one path, because Graeme Smith has already said "South Africa are not chokers" and will you look at that? They are. They're fucking chokers. A bunch of the most hilarious, stupidly, chokingly hysterical chokers. Try saying that real fast ten times. For the record, South Africa are going to give all credit to Pakistan. At least that way, they can pretend they're not chokers. Which they are.

I mean, what do I even say? Afridi is just fucking awesome, when he gets going. And all I have is figures to work on. For once, Albie wasn't the most expensive bowler on the side. I am pleased, he's making progress. Take that Mickey, you stupid piece of shit. Now who's the fucking allrounder? It's Albie. Even though he didn't do anything this match, HIS BOWLING WASN'T TERRIBLE. That's a relief.

On the subject of Afridi, he is made all the more awesome for blowing a kiss in Jacques' face. Goddamn, I would have killed to see that. Don't get ahead of yourself. I would have killed an AB, nobody else.

HA FUCKING HA in die AB's face. Out for 1, a useless dick, just the way I like it. Catching doesn't count either just because I say so. There is a photo of AB getting out. It is the best ever:

Any bowler who can make that happen is among the best in the world. And others may say that in a different way to me, in a "look at AB de Villiers, HE'S SO FUCKING HARD TO GET OUT" kind of way, but I say no. Getting die AB's wicket makes your moral compass automatically straighten towards north and no matter what you do, it will never swing south again.

What bowler wouldn't want that?

And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.

So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.

It's Afridi and he really likes it.

Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:

"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."

Boncam sends that last one in.

You have to take Albie to lunch

Finding a few minutes to make this post. I will talk LATER.

Apparently there is a list in South Africa - the the Mail & Guardian’s list of the 300 young South Africans you have to take to lunch. And while I don't particularly know how influential or important this list is (although it does seem to have considerable weight), I will say that Albie Morkel is on the list.

Success! It's only a matter of time before he takes over the world. According to SuperSport, there are seven other cricketers who it on there, being Graeme Smith, JP Duminy, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Wayne Parnell, Dale Steyn and Imraan Khan.

Guess who's not on the list? Yes, it's die AB. Guess you don't have to take him to lunch. Hahahahaha, deal with that, you humble bastard.

All is not well for Albie, however, as die AB has seduced Mickey Arthur and turned him against Albie. It's true, he's bitching to Neil Manthorp about it:

Albie Morkel ranks amongst the world's best match-winning batsmen, but is his bowling a problem...? "Yes," says Mickey Arthur. "We have been trying to define his role for a year or more. Is he a frontline all-rounder or is he a batsman who can bowl a few overs? It's very important to the balance of the side that he shows his hand, one way or the other. Either Morkel bats at six and bowls as the "sixth or seventh" bowler, or he "bats at seven or eight and bowls - properly."

FUCK YOU, MICKEY ARTHUR. FUCK YOU. Okay, there's truth in that. Albie needs to work on the bowling or make it a part-time thing. But when someone whose name is "Mickey" (which is ten times more ridiculous than Albie, okay?) says shit like this, his secret relationship with die AB deserves to be called out on.

Well, at least Albie is currently the more successful brother. I don't think Morne has existed since he was swapped with Albie on the Test team in March.

South Africa set a record

Most consecutive T20 International wins ever. But wait, was anyone actually surprised they won against the West Indies? On rolls the South African juggernaut as they flatten teams on their way to the finals.

Despite Chris Gayle's valiant attempts to distract them with some ultra-cool sunnies, the saffas did not budge. They've had good practice at this, especially after Stuart Broad's attempts to deliberately distract the South African batsmen. Also because once their eyes lock onto the missile, also known as the ball, they do not take their eyes off it, not even to look at Broad's delicate hands.

You know what's creepy? As I check Cricinfo for Kallis' bowling figures because they're pretty fucking funny, I see they have also spoken of the "South African juggernaut rolling on. I don't write for them, just in case you were wondering. My singular brain is on par with their collective brains, however. Jacques' figures are 2-0-23-0 by the way. Hahahaha, that's far too good. Fingers crossed he'll stop playing T20s.

I won't mention Albie's figures because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. You want fairness? Go somewhere else. He was brilliant, just brilliant. A wicket on a no ball which is better than no wicket at all, and a small error involving a wide which ended up costing 5 runs. BRILLIANT.

Wayne Parnell had to do even more this match to finally get the MoM award. 4/13 is the result of his mastering the art of bowling yorkers and actually bowling at the stumps. With all the creative shit bowlers are trying to come up with, it seems everyone forgot that simply bowling at the stumps and waiting for a wicket is remarkably successful.

Lendl Simmons is the only batsman on the West Indies side who should be walking away from this match with a smile on his face, although he might not be smiling because they still lost despite his 77. Seriously, the things some people have to put up with...

And now I come to Albie. You were waiting for it all along, I know. That 10 off 8, especially after the perfect opportunity presented itself when die AB got ahead of himself and got out on 17. After being promoted up the order to actually come in before the 16th over. That was amazing, that last bit. Everything was set in place for Albie to kill someone, preferably with his bat. He didn't, but the very clever Jerome Taylor was behind it. The smart bastard bowled a few bouncers and then nailed Albie with a great yorker. Even Albie appreciated that one. Super Shades Gayle had instructed Taylor to go about targeting Albie with bouncers and this is CLEARLY him going after the most dangerous batsman on the side. I mean, obviously. For this reason, Albie's dismissal was alright. He felt the respect as he walked off that field.

I think Nasser Hussain wants to marry die AB, just like every other commentator out there.

And in the current match, New Zealand are killing me. Dan the Man is playing but... they're killing me. They really are.

Albie gobbles up KP

Gobble gobble. You'd think the same too if you saw the following:

He was just really happy is all. That's how 28 year olds look when they're happy, like the innocent bliss you feel when you don't know that later in the day you won't get a chance to bat because a fat fucker hogs the limelight. That same man then goes on to be MoM when clearly it should have been Albie getting it, JUST BECAUSE.

If I had to nominate the best South African bowler in the England match, it would be tough. Because there was no clear winner, they were all great. Oh fuck it, one of them was clearly the best.

Have a guess. Go on, guess.

If you thought Wayne Parnell, get the fuck off this blog.

I'm talking about the REAL star whose efforts went unnoticed, even though he bloody well bowled the best he ever has in his life. Yes, it was Albie Morkel the 28 year old. He went for no runs at all in his spell, his extremely long, hard fought spell. The one over spell which took concentration far beyond that which any other all-rounder in the world possesses. It wasn't just a maiden, it was a wicket maiden, as Albie ran down the pitch and gobbled up KP with his large mouth.

I'm sure if Albie had bowled more overs, he would have repeated exactly the same thing. That would silence all his critics.

England were... well, they were England. I'm sorry for them, I really am.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

Kent and Clark's replacement

Stuart Clark, after being called up for the ODI series against Pakistan, has suggested the replacement player for him for Kent.

Guess who?

Wayne Parnell.

Yeah, an Aussie recommending a saffa take their place. That's disgusting. I'm not exactly the most loyal Aussie fan, but if I were Stuey I sure as hell wouldn't be suggesting Kent replace me with an up-and-coming saffa player. I'd throw around a few Australian names. Doing a little something for the country.

Parnell will play for Kent until towards the end of May, when he returns to South Africa for the Proteas training camp ahead of the T20 World Cup.

Not gonna be wearing green, m'boy.

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

Jonty Rhodes and fielding captains

Over at Cricinfo, Jonty's been suggesting that IPL teams should have a fielding captain who monitors the field and sets fielding placements. It's an offshoot of John Buchanan's multiple captain theory.

Whatever. Don't care. I'm more interested in his choice of the best fielders in the world:

• JP Duminy
• AB de Villiers
• Andrew Symonds
• Paul Collingwood

Where the fuck is Sybrand? Don't tell me bloody AB is a better fielder than him. AB doesn't attack each and every ball in his general vicinity violently. Sybrand does. AB isn't able to throw the ball equally well with either hand. Sybrand is.

Jonty's just afraid of being upstaged by someone with better hair than him.

Sybrand moves through hyperspace to take catches.

It looks like Wayne Parnell's trying to eat that bat. Delicious bats these days. Must be a Kookaburra, I hear they're adding exotic flavours to bats now.

Australian Innings

Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.

The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.

The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.

Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.

Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.

Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.

PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.

Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.

Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.

Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.

Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.

Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.

Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.

Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.

ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.

Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.

Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.

Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.

Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.

The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.

Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.

Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.

If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.

Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.

Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.

Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.

Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.

THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.

Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.

Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?

Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.

ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.

Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?

Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...

FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.

Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.

Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.

The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.

JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.

I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.

Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.

Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.

Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.

Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.

Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.

ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.

Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.


That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.

Australia v SA - 2nd ODI

Far too funny. Australia get bowled out for a ridiculously low 131, which is just as funny as it sounds. On the SA side, Hashim Amla, Makhaya Ntini and Morne Morkel were out of the game. I almost feel sorry for Morne.

No, I don't.

On with the game: Wayne Parnell picked up 4/25 with Ponting, Clarke, Michael Hussey and Nathan Bracken's wickets. And the guy's 19. Shit, he's going to be insane in a few years. Parnell got better figures than Steyn, who nevertheless got 4/27, kicking off the onslaught by picking up Haddin's wicket in the first over. He got the Echidna's wicket when AB de Villiers did his usual crazy fielder thing and dived to take a great catch. I still don't trust him. I swear AB is a Jehovah's Witness. He passed by my house recently.

What else to say?
The Echidna scored a half century, and Mitchell Johnson was next best with 30. The rest are not worth mentioning at all. It's like someone crapped a bunch of 1's all over the place. Maybe it was Ferguson. Funnily enough, none of the Australians got out on a duck. So now they can say they each contributed equally to their shit score, barring the Echidna and Mitch.

Actually, that reminds me of something... Does this mean Mitchell Johnson is a definite all-rounder? I've been avoiding it until now, but there is just some part of me that is saying "Shit, no! Don't let that happen!" when everyone else seems to be jumping for joy. Maybe I'm afraid of the great heights he'll climb to, after only last year being a complete nobody. Seriously, you tell someone they're a successful all-rounder and suddenly they'll be hitting triple centuries and taking 10 wickets in the same match.

Maybe I should just support his efforts.
Nah, can't be bothered.

Johnson came out after his 30 and took Herschelle Gibbs' wicket when he was on 2. Since then, Graeme Smith is sitting on 25, and Jacques Kallis on 5. And it's still only lunch. South Africa should try to wrap up the match in 30 or so overs, just for kicks. Rub it in their faces, after that horrendous record-breaking defeat last time. It's not like it would be hard.

Looks like Albie will have absolutely nothing to do today.

Edit: I'm revising this. SA will get 132 in less than 25 overs at the rate they're going.

ALBIE GLOATS

While he may have the name of a 2 year old, Albie Morkel has shown the world that he's the major reason South Africa have success in T20. And ODI to an extent. He was the sole cricketer to power SA to No. 1 in the ODI rankings, after a fabulous go at it in Australia. And then in T20, he regularly pulverises the opposition and is just plain awesome. There's a reason I'm rooting for this guy.
Oh, that last sentence was funny. I'm getting all flustered now.

While David Hussey may have been the star of the match, hitting 88 off 44 balls (told you he wants his bro's place in the test side), Albie was the definite SUPERSTAR of the SA side. He hit 39 off 17 balls, which is almost a strike rate of 200, before getting out to Johnson, who only hit 10 runs in his time on the field. Looks like somebody's not an all-rounder. Victory for Amy S!

Albie smashed 2 sixes, second only to Dave Hussey's 6 sixes (extraordinary innings), and battered poor James Hopes, who, by the end of his last over, wasn't feeling very hopeful. That's how powerful Albie is. He can made you stop living up to your name, no joke.

"What's that? A six? Not as good as my last one."

When South Africa was in trouble, chasing a score of 166, Albie teamed up with Boucher (full credit to him also, 36 runs to win the match) to give SA the edge over Australia and beat them by 4 wickets, with 4 balls to spare. Phew. Close call. I'm sure if Albie hadn't gotten out, they would have gotten there even faster. In the end, though, Albie was content with scoring the most runs on his side. Take that, Boucher!

Albie also took Ricky Ponting's wicket, as I had predicted, getting him out on 1. HAHAHA.

"Fuck, I'm awesome. Tell me I'm awesome."

Michael Hussey was run out for a duck. Although Albie wasn't the one bowling, it seems half of my prediction came true. I should start betting. Warnie tells me it's quite lucrative.

Duminy had a knock too, but was out on 21, giving Hopes his only happiness for the entire match. Amla had a surprise 26, before he gave Hussey the first of his three wickets. Funnily enough, AB de Villiers was out on 7, falling victim to Brett Geeves (total of 2 wickets, did not bat). AB was later heard in a press conference, speaking of his performance:

"Yes, next time I will perform better and beat Albie Morkel."

Poor Vaughn van Jaarsveld, my best friend ever, was out on 3, bowled by Hussey. I am not disappointed, as he is definitely talented. Rather, I am angry David Hussey was given the ball. What an overachiever. You don't pick on the little kids in the competition, Davo. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.

On the Australian side, David Warner hit at entertaining 38, and the rest of the batsmen folded like paper under the SA bowling attack. Wayne Parnell, soon-to-be superstar, picked up 2 wickets, bowling both Clarke and Johnson out. Excellent. Getting those two out gives Parnell a gold star.

Robin Peterson picked up 2 wickets in 1 over, which people should be talking about, because that's pretty darn good. The ones to go were Warner and Haddin, but he also bowled the ball in that same over that got Michael Hussey run out.

Haddin was also out for a duck, caught by none other than Albie Morkel, taking an entirely unspectacular catch at long-off. Still, I had to mention it to reinforce his amazingness. We will be seeing more of him in the future, folks, and when he retires he will write a mindblowing autobiography about growing up during apartheid and the cricketing world post-isolation. He will then discover the secret to cold fusion and win a Nobel Prize for this, all in a day's work. And that's not it. Albie Morkel will outshine Morne for his entire life, then write articles for a prominent newspaper dissecting the faults in Morne, which will drive his younger brother to suicide, making Albie even more famous. And the cycle will continue until Albie dies and is posthumously presented with The Order of the Supreme Companion of OR Tambo Award, which is, as you already know, the highest award of recognition in South Africa. Albie will be buried alongside a cricket bat, and I will sing Eleanor Rigby at his funeral. It was always his favourite song.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, South Africa have won the first of the T20s. They are back on the rise, Australia. Oh yes they are. Interestingly, the Aussies gave away 12 extras, compared to SA's 6. With SA scraping over the line with 4 balls to spare, what would have been the difference if Australia had not given away those 6 additional extras? The outcome of the match might have been different.

However, SA won, so ALBIE WINS. Score!

Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.