Chucky

I'm not talking about Doug Bollinger here, but apparently someone over at Page 2 on Cricinfo thinks AB de Villiers would make a good Chucky.

First of all, what? Second of all, I don't exactly agree but the description is funny as hell:

AB de Villiers may not have the crazy eyes of the doll (part of a series called Good Guys) from Child's Play, but any casting director worth his salt can see how well the South African batsman with the choirboy looks would make a bone-chilling slasher by night, to go with his batsman-slaughterer persona by day. In the twilight hours, de Villiers changes his cricket whites for bloody overalls and pulls out a knife concealed in his bat handle, before going on a killing spree, targeting music critics who've been less than kind to his singing career. Yeah, AB, show them who you (really) are.

There is absolutely nothing better than taking the piss out of die AB's song.

Still, I can think of a dozen better cricketers to be perfect players by day and serial killers at night. The one that springs to mind first is Sybrand Engelbrecht. In fact, I do believe I had detailed this secret part of his life in a previous post of mine. The Ghost of the Knight, that's what he is.

The rest of the article gets a lot wrong, but points for trying. Any valiant movie watcher who combines that knowledge with cricket could come up with a better list. Yes, valiant.

Worth Watching The Champions League For

You might have been feeling disillusioned by it all. That's why I'm here. When you feel like you might give the Champions League a miss this year, I remind you that a very special player will be in it this year.

Pause for thought.

Guess who.

Keep guessing.

I'm giving you a whole lot of time to guess who's playing.

Hint: it's not Napoleon Einstein.

Maybe some of you got it if you're clever chooks. Anyway, folks, it's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Yes, you'd almost forgotten about him, hadn't you? My ambidextrous saffa friend, one of four best friends of mine. Let me refresh your memory.

So that's Sybrand, and the freakish guy is playing for the Cape Cobras in the Champions League this year. This is exciting news for someone like me. I've seen the Aussie domestic cricketers at home, I've seen as much of the other countries as I want to, but I've never seen Sybrand in action except for that one Test in South Africa where he was a substitute fielder. That was clever of the fuckers. Why not send an ambidextrous fellow on to run every out? I like the way they think.

I'm also out of Sybrand pictures and I need him to play more often. There's nothing like a best friend getting some matches. At the moment, Sybrand is the only one of the four likely to do anything. BRING BACK VAUGHN. And Napoleon. And Abishek Raut. What happened to him, anyway?

I'll be making sure I watch every Cape Cobras match for Sybrand. Can't miss out on supporting a best friend when they finally get a game.

Imgonnagetcha

The Strangeness of South Africans

In the poll I have been referring to in posts of past. While I understand not all the voters are saffas, a fair lot must be. But I'm looking at the results and just thinking, "Really?"

AB de Villiers 41%
JP Duminy 23%
Johan Botha 11%
Snuh snuh snuh, some people including Graeme Smith and Herschelle Gibbs at 5%
Albie Morkel 3%, tied with Jacques Kallis

Who is rigging this system? Tell me, who? Is Johan Botha really that popular?

I say vote Albie in droves. Just vote Albie, do it. Do it. Do it. If I repeat it enough times, I'm hoping you'll actually do it.

But if you're just generally a cruel person who wants to see Albie languish near the bottom of the table with JACQUES KALLIS for company, at least have the heart to vote JP Duminy. He can catch better than I can, and I'm pretty good at catching things, it's my forte. Only Sybrand Engelbrecht is better than JP (just realised I hadn't mentioned my best friend for a while, so there's the reference). And what's more, if you've watched JP bat you'll never want to convert to ABdom. To top it all off, JP doesn't preach at you.

Of course, I'd much prefer it if you went Albie. Ta.
And yes, I do believe I just said 'ta'. My grandma never said it so often.

The Future Of Switch-Hitting And Umpire Referrals

Is in the hands of the ICC committee. Over two days, they're going to delve into the nitty gritty of cricket and come out with the answers to some all-important questions, including the meaning of life, which is 42 if you don't already know.

The umpire referral system seems to be the main focus but they will also discuss the possibility of imposing a maximum weight for bats, day-night Tests and switch-hitting. The last time KP tried this, he got out. It was glorious. After the first few times he tried it, back in the days, he told Nasser Hussain he'd been practising the shot for ages before he'd actually tried it in an actual game, that there was a "method to my madness." Not against Daniel Vettori, unfortunately. Someone needs to mail him a tape of that delivery, it was the highlight of the game.

Some of the questions the committee will be considering:

- Was the number of overall incorrect umpiring decisions reduced?
- Was there an undue negative influence on the pace of the game?
- Was it fair to ask the players to request a referral?
- What was the effect on the umpires and was the authority of the on-field officials unduly compromised?

Yes, yes, maybe and yes.

Even some of the yes answers don't have positive effects on the game. There is a way to involve technology in this game, and I believe it rests in the players not protesting every out decision and doubting the judgement of umpires. Instead, the use of perhaps more communication between the third umpire and the on-field umpires would be a better option.

We'll see. Meanwhile, KP is busy perfecting that switch-hit of his. But there's one person in the world who could play it better than he does.

"Me. BOO!"

Sybrand Engelbrecht: Learn It

Before I pop off to go suffer illness in misery, I needed to point out a recent blog on Cricinfo's The Surfer.

Jane alerted me to the post which I would not have otherwise seen. Apparently you're allowed to talk about ambidextrous fielders and NOT MENTION SYBRAND. If you talked about the best leggie in the world, you wouldn't hesitate to mention Shane Warne. And if you're talking about the best fielders in the world, it would make complete sense to mention Sybrand, although his compatriot Jonty Rhodes thinks otherwise.

But when you talk about ambidextrous fielders, surely you'd mention Sybrand.

...Batsmen will no longer play to a fielder's weak side because there won't be one. Push to the left of cover, and he will pick up with his left hand and throw; to the right and he is equally comfortable on that side.

Sounds like it was written with one person in mind, and that person isn't JP Duminy, or AB de Villiers, or even Paul Collingwood.

It's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Simple, militarian name. Learn it.

"Hello."

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

Delhi Twats

I have no idea what you're talking about. I never called the Chennai team twats. You must have imagined it.

Jakati spins Chennai to victory by 18 runs. Theoretically, that should be impossible, but it's not. Chennai got their miracle, and the sure Delhi win turned out to be a sure Delhi loss. Great. Too bad about Davo there. He actually had a good knock.

AND NOW CHENNAI ARE 4TH. I take that victory and I rub it in everyone's faces. Of course, Albie had very little to do with it. It's almost getting embarrassing. My pick of the players is failing while people like Jakati who the captain doesn't deem important enough to be named are winning matches for Chennai. Man up, Albie. Man up.

On a lesser note, I'm starting to get really freaked out by Ryan Campbell's obsession/love of Albie. Even I don't work Albie's name into my posts as much as he works it into his speech.

On the Deccan Chargers vs. Rajasthan match:

Just a few things, first and foremost that I have found a new best friend, folks. Really, I have. Abishek Raut, the star of the Rajasthan side. Aside from his splendid knock, did you see that post-match interview? He was so excited, like a little kid who'd just won the first race of their life. Great stuff. Seeing as my best friends are all little kids, in the most loose sense of the word, Raut joins the club. He put a smile on my face, the same kind of smile I get from watching babies from afar when they're not drooling or crying.

"ALRIGHT!!!"

In other news, I feel a little sorry for Yusuf Pathan. He's been delegated the role of slogger and there's no holding back. I think Ryan Campbell made up some dogy stats like "The chances of him coming off are 2/5 at the end, but 4/5 if he comes in early and bats to the end." Not sure where he got those statistics from, but for once Campbell is right. Yusuf is a class batsman, not just a slogger. He could bat up the order, but Rajasthan are relying far too much on him to save their asses late in the innings.

Quote of the day:
"[KKR] who are an absolute shabizzle."
-By the one and only Ryan Campbell

Also, how many motorbikes does Yusuf Pathan have? I hope he's sharing with his brother from another mother. And this time, it's actually Irfan.

Sybrand Engelbrecht Talks

You heard right. My best friend has spoken and I have now heard his pre-pubescent voice.

Alright, maybe it's a little deeper than that, but Sybrand Engelbrecht doesn't hold back in this interview. He really lets his evil ambidextrous side out and reveals to us his origins in a planet far far away.

"You're not from Cape Town originally. Just tell us where you're from?"

You'd think Sybrand would respond to that with "I am from the planet Krypton" but he is keeping his real identity a secret for now.

Sybrand tells us that he has "started surfing a bit". Interesting.

And we find out what kind of all-rounder he really is. Bowling all-rounder, by the way. If only fielding all-rounders existed, I'm sure he'd be the best in the world. Even better than AB, because as of yet, AB can't bowl.

"My dad once told me that hard work never goes unnoticed."

What's that? Isn't Jor-El usually a little more cryptic thsn that?

Just when you think you've weathered the worst of it and you're nearing the end of the interview, Sybrand explodes and reverts to his native tongue to send secret messages over the airwaves to his family back in Krypton. Little does he know the planet is done for.

"GHSJFHJSKDBHFSDFH."

Where is Sybrand?

I hate having obscure best friends. They're exactly that: obscure. Apparently our favourite ambidextrous serial killer hasn't become the next sensation in the cricketing world. After that warm-up match against the Rajasthan Royals, he has all but disappeared from the circuit.

Meanwhile, Napoleon Einstein has been sent home by the very people who spelt his name incorrectly on their website and following that, there has been no news on him.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld is also off the scene, and the last time he was seen was during the T20 and ODI matches, on the sidelines.

All three of my best friends, all little kids, are nowhere to be seen. I demand answers.

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

The truth about Napoleon Einstein

There is a reason for his name, and it is a good one. This is what he told Cricinfo:

"My grandfather was a scientist. He wrote a letter to Albert Einstein and even got a reply from him. I've got no idea [what the letter was about] even though I've read it. My mother was a physics graduate and she teaches Physics in one of the schools. So I'm Einstein. Napoleon is my father's name."

Best story behind a name ever. It's like mashing two separate pieces of intelligence together in a not-so-intelligent way. But wait, it gets better:

"We don't believe in God. In our family, we're rationalists. Other people are named Krishna and Ram after Gods, so we were named Einstein and Napoleon after great people."

He comes from a family of religious miscreants. I like it.

Napoleon Einstein: he'd be your best friend too if you knew him as well as I did.

Sybrand Engelbrecht Beats Shane Warne

I'm excited. My best friend has flexed his ambidextrous powers to aid his team to a crushing 28 run defeat of the Rajasthan Royals.

In yesterday's IPL "Clash of the Champions", between SA's leading T20 team, the Cape Cobras, and last year's IPL champions, the Rajasthan Royals, Sybrand stepped up to the plate and delivered in both his batting and bowling. What a superstar, seriously. Shane Warne was scared out of his wits by this ambidextrous saffa with terrifyingly blonde hair.

The Cape Cobras hit 142/8, batting first, and Sybrand top scored, hitting 36 off 22 balls, Albie-style. But he wasn't done there, oh no he wasn't. Because when the Royals came into bat, Sybrand opened the bowling, tricking the opposition by quickly switching the ball from one hand to the other in his run-up. He didn't break any laws, however, because after switching 5 times, he eventually bowled with the arm he had specified to the umpire. What a clever boy. If I were ambidextrous, I would do the same.

The Cape Cobras captain, Justin Ontong, spoke of his deliciously cunning plan to trick the opposition by having Sybrand open the bowling:

"We opened the bowling with an off-spinner Sybrand (Engelbrecht) just to provide a different approach and try to confuse the opposition."

What a dastardly game plan, making use of the team mutant. I like it.

Sybrand should have also gotten the MoM award, but his slightly less evil team mate Rory Kleinveldt picked up 4/22 and also hit 23 runs. The MoM award was actually a car, the Mahindra Xylo, and it went to Kleinveldt. But the bastard who stole Sybrand's prize doesn't even have a goddamn driver's license. How comical. Instead, the team decided they'd sell the car and split the profits. How business-like.

As a side note, I have discovered a news article about the game which completely excludes Sybrand from it. Not only that, but it replaces Sybrand's achievements by accrediting them to someone else, a player named Richard Levi. That's just really creepy.

"Identity theft? Richard Levi, this is my manic face. I'm coming to get you."

Better than Napoleon Einstein and Jonty Rhodes

Sybrand Engelbrecht - Freaky Ambidextrous Saffa

He will sing softly in your ear as he murders you in your sleep.

It has come to my attention that South Africa have employed a mutant in their ranks. Sybrand Engelbrecht, a 20 year old who hails from the planet Krypton, is possibly the best and most enthusiastic fielder they have on their side. He is all innocence in front of the camera, smiling and freakishly fielding with both hands, almost running Bryce McGain out in the Newlands test.

But his hair and eyes tell a different story. Sybrand is a serial killer, ambidextrously wielding knives in his midnight hunts across Cape Town. He is known in the local newspapers as The Ghost Of The Night, sometimes punnily referred to as The Ghost Of The Knight as he is believed to wear medieval chainmail and armour while committing these despicable acts. Sybrand is the reincarnation of an army Major-General, returning to kill the descendents of enemies who survived his ambidextrous bayonetting prowess.

And he's my new best friend.

"Awesome!!!"

With hair that literally blinds the opposition, Sybrand shrugs off the notoriety of his evil name and has epileptic fits on the field, convulsing in joy as he darts to field balls and run every damn batsman out. He's drawn comparisons to a certain someone who also fielded manically for the SA team a while ago. Why, Jonty Rhodes, of course!

"Not to rub it in his face or anything, but they call me the better Jonty."

"Plus, everyone likes me better because I'm ambidextrous and good at hiding my inner evil."

Sybrand Engelbrecht was a star fielder in the 2008 under-19 World Cup final against India, taking some stunning catches which required impressive feats of athleticism and ambidextrousity. So he was used as a substitute fielder in the recent test between Australia and SA.

"I try not to show off that I'm ambidextrous but it's hard to keep it a secret. Some people are just born special."

"God said, 'Hey you look deserving, I'll give you an amazing talent.' to me when I was in Mother Engelbrecht's womb. I was the Chosen Ambidextrous One."

Sybrand's main goal on the field is to scare the shit out of batsmen and violently pounce upon each and every ball that comes in his half of the field, often cartwheeling instead of running to reach the ball in the outfield. Due to his ability to rest equal pressure on both arms, he is able to cartwheel faster than he can run, creating opportunities for run-outs.

"It's a hard life," he says. "Sometimes I can't cope with my awe-inspiring ability and I cut myself to feel better. But then I see God and he tells me everything's going to be alright, son. You're ambidextrous, not a quadraplegic. It helps me to see the brighter side of life."

Sybrand may be a brilliant fielder, but he wants to be remembered for his batting and bowling as well. For the moment, however, he's happy to have a label. In high school, he was a junior student under AB de Villiers at Afrikaans Boys School in Pretoria.

"AB de Villiers and Michael Clarke are my favourite fielders. AB is world class and Clarke is fast and accurate," he says. But then he continues, "AB first introduced me to God. We were practising a bit of fielding and he said, 'Hey want to see something so good it's almost illegal?' and I said 'Yes' because I thought we were going to shoot up or something. But then AB took me to church and held my hand and prayed. Kneeling there, I saw a ray of sunlight which seemed brighter than the sun itself. That was when I knew I'd seen God. I told AB and he was really excited and stuff and he told the priest who hired an artist who drew a picture of God based on my description." Pause. "It was amazing. They framed it and it's now outside the church."

Sybrand also believes his athletic ability is a secret power in his genes, as his mother Dina and father Sybrand were both gymnasts.

"Yeah, I think it's getting easier to be ambidextrous now. People are more accepting and we're not being forced into freak shows as much. I think the figure's dropped down to 26% now."

He ponders for a moment about all things ambidextrous. "We even have famous ambidextrous people now. Before, we used to be locked up in asylums if we revealed our secret shame. I read a book recently and it said South Africa had one famous ambidextrous person... Oh wait, that's me." Sybrand laughs at his own joke. "I'm pretty amazing, I'll admit it. It's not everyday you get to meet an ambidextrous cricketer who's almost run an Australian out."

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win

Obligatory Pre-Rehab Post on CSK before I disappear.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• They have a player named Napoleon Einstein.
• Freddie's on the team.
• Albie is on the team.
• Jacob Oram won't be too busy avoiding Test cricket.
• Dhoni's hair is no longer a separate entity to his body.
• Albie & Makhaya Ntini will be there for the entire tournament.
• Matthew Hayden and Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• Warnie's a wanker.
• They beat Kings XI by 9 wickets.
• They only lost the final in the last ball.
• There is only one Englishman on the team.
• Albie will be sending texts from "Nurse Saskia" to Warnie during the games.
• Manpreet Gony is feeling good today.
• They don't slap each other.
• They don't cry.
• I want them to.
  

Why the Chennai Super Kings will lose:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• Stephen Fleming is New Zealander.
• Makhaya Ntini is a rapist.
• There is one Englishman on the side.
• Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament (NO HE'S NOT, I'M AN EVIL WOMAN.)
• Freddie won't be there for the entire tournament.
• They lost the final to a team captained by a wanker.
• Manpreet Gony is married to Manpreet Kaur.
• It is owned by India Cements.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• The universe is against me.

Napoleon Einstein - my new best friend

ALBIE GLOATS

While he may have the name of a 2 year old, Albie Morkel has shown the world that he's the major reason South Africa have success in T20. And ODI to an extent. He was the sole cricketer to power SA to No. 1 in the ODI rankings, after a fabulous go at it in Australia. And then in T20, he regularly pulverises the opposition and is just plain awesome. There's a reason I'm rooting for this guy.
Oh, that last sentence was funny. I'm getting all flustered now.

While David Hussey may have been the star of the match, hitting 88 off 44 balls (told you he wants his bro's place in the test side), Albie was the definite SUPERSTAR of the SA side. He hit 39 off 17 balls, which is almost a strike rate of 200, before getting out to Johnson, who only hit 10 runs in his time on the field. Looks like somebody's not an all-rounder. Victory for Amy S!

Albie smashed 2 sixes, second only to Dave Hussey's 6 sixes (extraordinary innings), and battered poor James Hopes, who, by the end of his last over, wasn't feeling very hopeful. That's how powerful Albie is. He can made you stop living up to your name, no joke.

"What's that? A six? Not as good as my last one."

When South Africa was in trouble, chasing a score of 166, Albie teamed up with Boucher (full credit to him also, 36 runs to win the match) to give SA the edge over Australia and beat them by 4 wickets, with 4 balls to spare. Phew. Close call. I'm sure if Albie hadn't gotten out, they would have gotten there even faster. In the end, though, Albie was content with scoring the most runs on his side. Take that, Boucher!

Albie also took Ricky Ponting's wicket, as I had predicted, getting him out on 1. HAHAHA.

"Fuck, I'm awesome. Tell me I'm awesome."

Michael Hussey was run out for a duck. Although Albie wasn't the one bowling, it seems half of my prediction came true. I should start betting. Warnie tells me it's quite lucrative.

Duminy had a knock too, but was out on 21, giving Hopes his only happiness for the entire match. Amla had a surprise 26, before he gave Hussey the first of his three wickets. Funnily enough, AB de Villiers was out on 7, falling victim to Brett Geeves (total of 2 wickets, did not bat). AB was later heard in a press conference, speaking of his performance:

"Yes, next time I will perform better and beat Albie Morkel."

Poor Vaughn van Jaarsveld, my best friend ever, was out on 3, bowled by Hussey. I am not disappointed, as he is definitely talented. Rather, I am angry David Hussey was given the ball. What an overachiever. You don't pick on the little kids in the competition, Davo. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.

On the Australian side, David Warner hit at entertaining 38, and the rest of the batsmen folded like paper under the SA bowling attack. Wayne Parnell, soon-to-be superstar, picked up 2 wickets, bowling both Clarke and Johnson out. Excellent. Getting those two out gives Parnell a gold star.

Robin Peterson picked up 2 wickets in 1 over, which people should be talking about, because that's pretty darn good. The ones to go were Warner and Haddin, but he also bowled the ball in that same over that got Michael Hussey run out.

Haddin was also out for a duck, caught by none other than Albie Morkel, taking an entirely unspectacular catch at long-off. Still, I had to mention it to reinforce his amazingness. We will be seeing more of him in the future, folks, and when he retires he will write a mindblowing autobiography about growing up during apartheid and the cricketing world post-isolation. He will then discover the secret to cold fusion and win a Nobel Prize for this, all in a day's work. And that's not it. Albie Morkel will outshine Morne for his entire life, then write articles for a prominent newspaper dissecting the faults in Morne, which will drive his younger brother to suicide, making Albie even more famous. And the cycle will continue until Albie dies and is posthumously presented with The Order of the Supreme Companion of OR Tambo Award, which is, as you already know, the highest award of recognition in South Africa. Albie will be buried alongside a cricket bat, and I will sing Eleanor Rigby at his funeral. It was always his favourite song.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, South Africa have won the first of the T20s. They are back on the rise, Australia. Oh yes they are. Interestingly, the Aussies gave away 12 extras, compared to SA's 6. With SA scraping over the line with 4 balls to spare, what would have been the difference if Australia had not given away those 6 additional extras? The outcome of the match might have been different.

However, SA won, so ALBIE WINS. Score!