The IPL is over

The Deccan Chargers have won.

You're now free to sleep as long as you like. I hope you understand how big a blessing this is.

Lalit Modi is planning two IPL tournaments a year. Could you handle it? There's no fucking way I could.

So the IPL is over and we go back to our normal routines. Except for the fact that there's a whole lot of cricket coming up real soon, so start gearing yourselves up for that.

In the meantime, a few suggestions as to what you could do with your time: Read a book, watch a movie, actually play cricket, write an in depth analysis of this year's IPL, walk the dog, kill the cat, call the Fake IPL Player a cowardly bastard with an attractive shadow, cure cancer, etc. The possibilities are endless.

So what are you doing sitting there thinking about the final? Go do something.

Mike Hussey's contribution to the tournament

Nothing.

Right. Well then...

Bangalore to win the final just because.

Comparing myself with Manish Pandey

When I was 19, I was busy skipping classes at uni. Clearly, he's not.

The end.

The better team won today. Bangalore batted well, fielded well, and bowled well. They also managed to do each of these better than Chennai, so they deserved that win in every way. I find myself okay with that, and if it's not heresy to say so, throughout the match I didn't quite mind BRC's onslaught against CSK bowlers.

As the commentators have reminded us about a hundred times, the No. 7 and No. 8 teams from last year will be meeting in the final this year. Just because I like some of their players more, I'm going Bangalore. But it would be good to see Deccan win the tournament this time.

If you're interested, Ryan Campbell and Corey Wingard are all over Pandey's name. Apparently it's "Pandy" as in "Mandy".

The Gilchrist Offensive

Pretty good, don't you reckon?

Okay, not just pretty good, but pretty fucking good. Just as the papers and headlines were talking about Shoaib's genital warts yesterday, it's Gilly all the way today. It was a great effort in the end which knocked the top dogs out of the competition.

I still don't like the look of him in that uniform. It highlights his more creepy qualities, and I couldn't for the live of me tell you what they are. It's intangible, the creepiness that blue uniform instils in Gilchrist.

According to Cricinfo, Gilly's opening partner Gibbs has gotten out for the most ducks this tournament, that being 4. I actually thought the honour would belong to a BRC player but they didn't give their openers enough games to do so. But maybe there should be an enquiry into Gibbs after the ridiculous KKR one involving Hodge being left out of the game. The fact that DC still succeeded despite Gibbs' duck just gives the idea more credibility. He was never good at fixing the game anyway.

Deccan Chargers finished up the match in the 18th over. In a semifinal. That's just really fucked up on some level, and I'm sure Delhi realise it. What's more, I'm sure AB realises it. No glory for him.

To mourn the loss of Delhi, if you're a fan of theirs, the infamous Page 2 has an interview with Dirk, which mostly seems to be about how much his kid wants to go to the beach. But there's some real gems in there:

"If I am not good enough to be in the top 30 Australian cricketers, I will eat my hat."

I can't think of another cricketer who would say that, and there should be more that do. But I'll eat my hat to that too.

You know the best compliment I got in this IPL? It came from AB [de Villiers]. He said, you have a beautiful family, fantastic kids and a wonderful wife. What more can I ask for?

And you also have God, Dirk. You also have God.

The Semifinals Arrive

I am officially back in Sydney, friends, and therefore available to watch the semifinals and finals of the IPL at my leisure.

So the semis are here. Finally. Over the past week, I've been feeling rather disillusioned by the tournament, as though the finals just won't arrive. And now they have, so it's time to gently guide yourself into caring slightly about the games, or do nothing if you'd already been frenetic in a state of overwhelming excitement. As it is, I'm one of the first, so it's taking a little something to make myself want to watch the first match between Delhi and Deccan. Especially when I dread the possibility a certain player will do his usual stuff and singlehandedly win the match for his team.

To be honest, Delhi are favourites to win this year's title. The only way that won't happen is if in the final, they fuck up big time and have one huge brain explosion which gives the opposing team the edge. If DD play consistently and to their strengths, they should be able to win the tournament easily enough.

The old bloke on the team they haven't played yet in favour of Dirk Nannes reckons he might be out of it next year. A bit disappointing, seeing as he could easily have been one of their best performers, but for once, there's a team in the IPL that's struggling to get all their best players in as much as Delhi are. I'm pretty sure no other team has a man like Glenn McGrath on the sidelines because the other players are so talented. Says Glenn:

"I have asked a couple of people about why I was not being played, and I get the sense that they were worried about my fitness. I feel fitter than I did last year, but I guess I will not get a chance to prove that now."

His fitness, hey? He also says he "would not bet on returning" next year.

I'm also very cleverly refusing to comment on a certain revelation involving Shoaib Akhtar and his busy dick. I cannot bring myself to even contemplate doing so, it's just that bad. Although I did say in an earlier post sometime that it was groin problem. But will you just look at the manwhore walked around with his herpes? Pakistan shouldn't have said anything about it and just let half the world's cricketers get infected during the ICC World T20. Because you know they would.

Fights at the IPL

Preity Zinta was involved in a fist fight, no joke:

On Sunday, the Punjab Kings XI edged out the Deccan Chargers by one run at the Wanderers and then senior staff from the two teams enjoyed a fist-fight in the president's lounge, known as the Long Room. Security at the stadium were forced to dial the police after a nasty incident in which one of the team owners suffered a black eye and another senior team official was reprimanded for being blind-drunk and having his young son in tow.

Come to think of it, she did seem to be wearing an awful lot of concealer over her right eye when we chatted the other day. Because that's what me and Preity do, we chat all the time. We're best friends occasionally.

It would have been more interesting if the fight was between players, but this is still something. Who knew the rivalry could extend this far? And here I was, not taking the IPL teams all that seriously.

Holy shit

Holy fucking shit.

Irfan Pathan does it. The top bloke does it after a horror over from Mota.

11 needed off the over, Rohit Sharma at the crease. A wide. Two wickets.

And Irfan Pathan delivers, at times trying to steal the King Kong title from his brother.

Preity Zinta is going mad. And the top bloke does it.

Kings XI

To be honest, I thought Irfan Pathan was their last real chance to get them to 150 or thereabouts. Sure, Sangakkara's wicket was a big one, but Irfan and Brett Lee can do some hitting.

That's not to say they won't win or that 150 is the magic number, but it was a fairly good number. Kings XI don't really seem to be all that desperate to stay in the competition. I actually wanted them to win this one.

And how are Deccan up and about so soon after their last match?

I'm also freaked out about the blatant innuendo in an ad for drag racing on ONE. It basically goes along the lines of a woman in a sultry voice purring "This is the only time you'll be rewarded for finishing under 10 seconds" before she goes on to speak of "hulking metal" and other such supposedly titillating things. Lovely. It's even better than ONE going out of their way to promote netball as a contact sport ("Who says netball isn't a contact sport?" Cue footage of netballer being knocked over). Well, everybody, actually. Because netball isn't a contact sport and it's no use pretending it is just to rope in more viewers.

Feeling Sorry For KKR?

Can I bring myself to do it? Can I actually feel sorry for them after that last match?

After Rohit Sharma?

Can anyone?

How To Avoid The Topic

Don't mention Deccan's loss.

Don't mention your arch nemesis' 44. Do mention his dropped catch.

But most of all, don't mention the fact that even Gilly's 64 couldn't save his team.

That's how I avoid the topic.

My pick

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOT DELHI. ANYONE BUT DELHI.

Anyone but AB.

I guess that leaves Deccan.

What really hurts

Andrew Symonds hitting Irfan Pathan for consecutive boundaries, a 4 and a 6.

I love Roy (at times), but fuck I hate seeing monkeys bash top blokes.

And with that, I may retire to watch the games in peace, bottle in hand.

Actually, fuck that, CONSECUTIVE SIXES OFF SREESANTH. Hahahaha.

Pathan 0/42. I'm crying.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

--

Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

Another win in your face

Chennai beat the Chargers. Excellent.

Go Jakati and Dhoni. AND GO WINNING.

Albie wasn't too bad either. 2/24 and he also managed not to get out from his 5 balls. Improving there, I see. The entire top order performed so he didn't need to do much (although Murali Vijay is a little slow in his run scoring).

But go Jakati and go Dhoni.

And go winning by 78 runs.

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

Delhi Twats

I have no idea what you're talking about. I never called the Chennai team twats. You must have imagined it.

Jakati spins Chennai to victory by 18 runs. Theoretically, that should be impossible, but it's not. Chennai got their miracle, and the sure Delhi win turned out to be a sure Delhi loss. Great. Too bad about Davo there. He actually had a good knock.

AND NOW CHENNAI ARE 4TH. I take that victory and I rub it in everyone's faces. Of course, Albie had very little to do with it. It's almost getting embarrassing. My pick of the players is failing while people like Jakati who the captain doesn't deem important enough to be named are winning matches for Chennai. Man up, Albie. Man up.

On a lesser note, I'm starting to get really freaked out by Ryan Campbell's obsession/love of Albie. Even I don't work Albie's name into my posts as much as he works it into his speech.

On the Deccan Chargers vs. Rajasthan match:

Just a few things, first and foremost that I have found a new best friend, folks. Really, I have. Abishek Raut, the star of the Rajasthan side. Aside from his splendid knock, did you see that post-match interview? He was so excited, like a little kid who'd just won the first race of their life. Great stuff. Seeing as my best friends are all little kids, in the most loose sense of the word, Raut joins the club. He put a smile on my face, the same kind of smile I get from watching babies from afar when they're not drooling or crying.

"ALRIGHT!!!"

In other news, I feel a little sorry for Yusuf Pathan. He's been delegated the role of slogger and there's no holding back. I think Ryan Campbell made up some dogy stats like "The chances of him coming off are 2/5 at the end, but 4/5 if he comes in early and bats to the end." Not sure where he got those statistics from, but for once Campbell is right. Yusuf is a class batsman, not just a slogger. He could bat up the order, but Rajasthan are relying far too much on him to save their asses late in the innings.

Quote of the day:
"[KKR] who are an absolute shabizzle."
-By the one and only Ryan Campbell

Also, how many motorbikes does Yusuf Pathan have? I hope he's sharing with his brother from another mother. And this time, it's actually Irfan.

Tonight's Matches

If I weren't backing one team out of the four playing team, I imagine both matches would seem boring. As it turns out, I want CSK to win and so I am interested in the second match. The first however... Deccan Chargers vs. Rajasthan Royals. You know, it might be great, but it could also be a complete pushover.

I think perhaps Kamran Khan will be out due to injury? Not sure how serious that injury was, but it did look painful enough.

And apparently Sehwag is also out because of the finger injury. I think Ryan Campbell had a go at Indian cricketers and said something like "He was pretty quick to leave the field as soon as it touched his finger". Little does Campbell know it was all a conspiracy, and Delhi had planned beforehand to fake an injury and bring David Warner on as a substitute fielder so he could orchestrate more dismissals. Bastards.

Okay, so they didn't fake it. I think he had to get stitches. If he isn't playing, the gap in the side isn't going to be all too big, to be honest. Another talented cricketer will just crawl slimily into his place and fix the gap.

Chennai have won a match after Freddie left. His services weren't so desperately valuable after all. On the Nasser Hussain comment, it's quite peeved me off because for one, I've never understood the merit in the "so you want to have your cake and eat it too?" argument. Because yes, if I have my goddamn cake I'd like to eat the fucking thing. Wouldn't you? It would be real scrumdiddlyumptious. I'm sure Willy Wonka would agree. That man would never let a travesty such as having a cake and not eating it occur.

Alright then, moving away from strange analogies and expressions. Apparently there's one sport that Australians can beat the saffas at. Go Waratahs.

Chennai can win, Deccan can lose

Were you having the time of your life, Patrick Swayze-style? I certainly was.

First off, the DD vs. DC match. Aside from Ravi Shastri's hilarious "Get ready to ROCK Pretoria" to set us off, it was a bit of a boring affair after Gilly and Gibbs left the scene early on. Ryan Campbell leering at Deccan cheerleaders only put me off further.

Not to mention the constant music being blasted over the loudspeakers after every boundary or wicket: "Go, go, go, go, go." We've already heard it for many matches. How many more times are we going to be forced to endure this?

Everytime the commentators say "That was a really good stop" you don't even need to look to know it's AB. Fuck. Thank god he got out for 5. That was funny. I laughed.

Funny Moments of the Match:

Something I have noticed but not really commented on is that Ashish Nehra runs up like a penguin on crack.

Rohit Sharma flailing around on the ground like a dying turtle.

Dirk Nannes looking like he'll take out his axe any minute now.

The fact that Anthony Hudson is apparently a legspinner. What a joke.

Danny Morrison being irritating as fuck.

Sehwag's stitches.

Dwayne Smith going shit crazy and hitting Dan the Man for 16 off his over, then making Amit Mishra go for 20 the next over.

Mark Nicholas thinking Dirk has "attitude" about him, and that "There's a lot of words I could think of [to describe him] which could not be broadcast."

Lalit Modi sitting like a king on his throne.

Chennai vs. Rajasthan match:

YOU KNOW IT. Go Albie, strike rate of 400. I can twist facts my way too.

Raina was the man of the night. Even if I felt sorry for his 98 which the big screen showed as 100, it was a little funny. I mean that is pretty fucking funny if you think about it. Raina celebrates his 100, and is out next ball. He came back later and picked up a few wickets, taking some great catches too. That really shut Ryan Campbell up.

And who was actually bowling well today? Hint: Starts with 'A' and ends with 'lbie'.

With the new guy being hit for a few in the first over, Albie came in second over and worked some magic. Graeme Smith is hilarious. I enjoyed watching him get out to Albie. How often do you see that normally? NEVER.

Then there was Swapnil Asnodkar, the little man who's finding these South African pitches difficult to deal with. What a way to go, hitting your stumps like that. Almost the funniest moment of the match. The real funniest moment was Warnie slamming the ground in frustration when he couldn't get any balls away later in the innings.

And did the commentators really say Dhoni was going to have a bowl? I'm sure I wasn't imagining that.

But the most annoying moment of the match was most certainly the referral of the Jadeja catch. Fuck, that pissed me off. Where is the Brian Lara spirit? YOU WALK OFF WHEN THE FIELDER SAYS THEY CAUGHT YOU. The end. You don't hang around and insist on a referral which then shrinks the 3rd umpire's balls and has him give a 'Not Out' decision. That was rubbish. Parthiv clearly had his hand under it but the freeze frame which shows less dimension than live replay apparently gave the 3rd umpire a reason to doubt the catch. It was taken, pure and simple.

Whatever. Chennai won and now they can keep winning. They just need to win most of the matches that remain to make it to the semifinals. Can they do it? Albie looked in form. One of the commentators said he should open the batting, and I think Leela commented on this too. But my god, that would be a brilliant idea. Hello powerplay. Hello Albie. And hello the chance to come in without a shitload of pressure on your head dragging you down like it did Yusuf Pathan.

HIT WICKET.

Johannes Albertus fails us

Maithreyi wanted to know Albie's full name - there you go.

I had high hopes, high expectations, and appropriately he failed me AGAIN.

This is like the shittiest IPL ever. And I know we've only had one before.

What happened to my ALL-ROUND SUPERSTAR?

Dhoni: "The bowlers are letting us down." WELL YES THEY ARE. So is your middle order batting.

And meanwhile, Australia is beating Pakistan in ODIs. And actually playing spin.