Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

The thing about Shane Watson

Okay, I might as well get this out of the way. I've refrained from doing so previously because it's weird in a very strange way but now I really just have to say it. The thing about Shane Watson is that I cannot dislike him and there is a very specific reason for that.

It is because of this photo:

You might think that's well and fine, and that there's nothing particularly special about the photo, that in fact he looks a little retarded, but you see that expression? I know a three year old who makes the exact same expression. And I like the kid.

So you see, therein lies the predicament I am in. After making the initial association with a tiny little midget belonging to a friend of mine, I am doomed to forever make that association with Shane Watson. And while he most certainly does not look the way he does in the photo, I can't help it, I immediately think of cute kids. And that makes it all the more difficult to dislike Shane.

In that way, while he may not be my favourite cricketer, I will be unable to dislike him either. It is the way of the world, I have no hand in it. And that is the end of this explanation. So for future reference, just keep this in mind. I am rendered incapable of disliking the man and it will show.

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

Ashes Squad

What do I say about Ronald? So there he was, gorging himself on Happy Meal after Happy Meal, waiting by the phone to be told he wasn't in the squad, and that Andrew Symonds would be the lucky man.

But then he reached for the toy in his Happy Meal (several of them, in fact) and found a plastic four-leaf clover instead. It was Irish week at McDonald's and today Andrew McDonald would be the luckiest man alive in Australia.

The squad: Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Stuart Clark, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Graham Manou, Andrew McDonald, Marcus North, Peter Siddle, Shane Watson.

Most of those are expected, because as I said earlier, it was only the allrounders we were particularly concerned about. The battle for those two spots was narrowed down from three to, well... two.

And in the midst of it all, McDonald's performances "speak for themselves". He outplayed Andrew Symonds for this spot, will you look at that.

That's not to say he'll be in the starting XI. In fact, I don't even think he'll be in the starting XI. Johnson, Siddle, Hauritz and Clark seems about right, with neither Watson nor McDonald making it into the side. Even then, Australia still have Hilfy in their reserves, not to mention Brett Lee, who's hoping he'll be opening the bowling for the first match. A bit hit or miss, in my books.

Altogether, it's an expected side. Symonds will likely be wondering how someone like McDonald could vie for the same spot as him, and then go on to actually make it. Shane Watson, meanwhile, has been included in the squad alongside a grain of salt. He's only in if he's fit, and they'll be watching his injury pretty carefully.

Katich is going to be on the hunt for glory, after a few misfires in previous Ashes series. He is man, hear him roar.

Apparently there's 50 days to go, if you hadn't already noticed.

Watson for Ashes?

Yes is the answer. Breathe a sigh of relief.

"Scans have confirmed a minor right groin injury to Shane and we expect him to be fit to play in (next month's) ICC World Twenty20."

"He'll be monitored over the coming weeks and is expected to be available for consideration for Ashes selection."

Not that he'll make it through the World T20 anyway.

LOL

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

Australian T20 Squad

Seeing as I am Australian and should therefore care:

Squad: Ricky Ponting (captain), Michael Clarke, Nathan Bracken, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, James Hopes, David Hussey, Mike Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Peter Siddle, Andrew Symonds, David Warner, Shane Watson

Something tells me that if Mike Hussey doesn't step up and perform like the old Mike in the coming months, the selectors won't be so quick to put all their faith behind him. As much as I love the guy, there's no denying that he would have been rested rather permanently if he were in another country.

Here's hoping he gets his mojo back. If he doesn't, well, it will be a rather sorry situation, especially considering the players Australia could have chosen who'd be more likely to perform. I'm mostly thinking of one name here, the same one that Mark Nicholas has recently begun to admire and talk of his "genuine pace" with a feverishly excited voice.

It's off to the Netherlands for Dirk Nannes, and to the field for Mike. Pressure? What pressure? There's no pressure whatsoever.

Also, Brett Lee's back and so is Shane Watson. Not sure about the first, but a yes to the second. I'm sure Shane will survive the next few months without an injury.

But will you just look at our spinning hopes? And that is not a pun, I'm being serious. I miss Warnie.

"Must escape the babies."

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

The Moment Saeed Ajmal Was Done For

Ducking Beamers has posted the video in which Ajmal's bowling action is first questioned, by none other than Shane Watson:

Watching Watson try to play spin makes me feel very squeamish.

Unamusing Australian Collapse

I swear it's not even funny.

Well, it is a little. Pup is funny. But the rest isn't.

122/9 is mindblowing. Shaun Marsh still isn't feeling good, our man Echidna couldn't do it, and really, Haddin and Watson were the only ones doing anything.

So much for supporting Australia through this series. Goddamn. What a measly opening performance.

Credit to the Pakistani bowlers. Afridi is on fire. 6/38. Good going.

Aussie Ex-Wankers & Ex-Aussie Wankers + IPL Thoughts

I'm trying desperately to figure out what that means. Imagine my surprise when I woke up today and discovered a piece of paper with that written on it, along with a bunch of other notes relating to the IPL. I have very little recollection of it, but seeing as I'd written it so earnestly, I thought I might as well post my [drunken] thoughts on the IPL. I've edited it a little so it makes sense:

• Won't get to see Shane Watson's hair in slow motion. Shame.
• Hope bowlers shout more obscenities at batsmen.
• Circus acts.
• No fielding side knows what they are missing out on. Sybrand's not playing.
• Munaf Patel can hopefully get coloured contact lenses to spare us the terror.
• Yusuf Pathan can try to stop looking so nervous before bowling.
• OUTFIELDS MUST BE FAST OR I WILL DIE.
• Warne will hide the thinning bald spot on the back of his head.
• Slog it!
• Cheerleaders will have more interesting moves.
• Shane Warne will mis-spit on batsman at non-striker's end. Lucky Punter's not there.
• At least when Albie gets out he takes the wicketkeeper and a fielder out with him.
• AUSSIE EX-WANKERS AND EX-AUSSIE WANKERS

Still confused about the last one. Most of the rest makes sense.

Just thought I'd share. Seems this post will be my final thoughts on the IPL. No team-by-team coverage for me, apparently. Not that I was going to, of course.

IPL Watch: Yusuf Pathan

The Dave Hussey to our Mike. Currently in form, a real all-rounder with strengths in both batting and bowling. Not a bad fielder either. Yusuf Pathan is yet another example of those Rajasthan Royals picking players based on quality performances, and he stepped up to the plate in the inaugural season of the IPL to prove his worth. $475,000 worth.

Good man.

The IPL really brought Pathan into the spotlight. He was a key player on Warnie's side, and if you'll remember, played a big role in the final against the Chennai Super Kings, picking up 3/22 and also having a handy day with the bat, with 56 off 39 balls. That won the match, and also won him the man of the man award.

Throughout the tournament, Yusuf Pathan scored 435 runs and took 8 wickets with his off-spin. Shane Watson scored 472 runs and took 17 wickets. They were both excellent players, but this post is about Pathan. Maybe Watson will come later.

Pathan's big strength was his batting. Over the course of 16 matches, he had a strike rate of almost 180, the second highest in the tournament after Sehwag. Along the way, he scored 4 half centuries, one of which was from only 21 balls against the Deccan Chargers - the fastest fifty in the competition.

When he's not busy pretending not to know his brother...

"Hi, uh... Imran, right? No? Irfan? Gotcha."

...Yusuf Pathan is a very clean hitter of the ball. He's no slogger. Watching him hit repeatedly perfect shots over the boundary made this pretty clear. He was an expert at finding the middle of the bat, and played straight out of a textbook. Nice to watch.

This year, with Shane Watson still recovering from an injury and not likely to bowl, perhaps Pathan will find himself playing a more important role in the proceedings with the ball. More likely, however, is that the Rajasthan Royals have been grooming a few younger Indian players for this. Kamran Khan, says Warne. I want to see this guy in action. Pathan looks likely to continue to make big scores and push his team closer to the finals.

There's a reason he's so good. I don't know why nobody else has considered this, but it's pretty obvious to me. Yusuf Pathan is some sort of reincarnation of King Kong. If you look at him in motion, or especially after he takes a wicket, the similarities are tremendous. Photos don't do his ape side justice, you need to watch it with your own eyes.

Australia going nuts

Well, no, they're not. It just seemed like an interesting title. Australia has announced a 14 man squad for the ODI series against Pakistan later this month. Ricky Ponting, Mitchell Johnson and Mike Hussey are being rested for the series. At least Mike can be glad he was rested alongside the captain, or it might be a little concerning. It still is.

Shane Watson and Brett Lee are back in the game, returning from injuries. Watson may only play the role of batsman until late in the series, however.

The lovely Fisher Roy is also back, probably because the Aussies are getting scared of losing. He's also 33 now. Seems to be getting old.

The team:
Michael Clarke (c) NSW
Brad Haddin (vc) NSW
Nathan Bracken NSW
Callum Ferguson SA
Brett Geeves TAS
Nathan Hauritz NSW
Ben Hilfenhaus TAS
James Hopes QLD
David Hussey VIC
Ben Laughlin QLD
Brett Lee NSW
Shaun Marsh WA
Andrew Symonds QLD
Shane Watson QLD

You won't believe who I'm supporting in this series.

Symonds in preliminary T20 squad

The preliminary squad of 30 players for this year's Twenty20 World Cup in England has been posted. And guess who makes an appearance? It's our very own Andrew Symonds, back from an extended fishing trip. According to James Sutherland, Roy's been making progress with his counselling and whatnot, so they're considering him for the team.

At least players are being taught that it's not them doing the team a favour by playing for them, but the team doing them a favour by including them in the squad. If there's anything I hate, it's arrogance and taking a firm position on a national team for granted. Hello there, KP.

Shaun Tait, Shane Watson, Brett Lee and Shaun Marsh are all on the list, despite still recovering from injuries. Well, at least 3 out of those 4 players genuinely want to play. No prizes for guessing who the last one is, the pansy with all the excuses.

Adam Voges is also on the list. I guess he won't be too busy getting married to play.

And in slightly different news, Australia's womens T20 preliminary squad has also been announced! I am excited to see Ellyse Perry on the list. The players are:

Sarah Aley, Sarah Andrews, Kristen Beams, Alex Blackwell, Kate Blackwell, Melissa Bulow, Jessica Cameron, Jude Coleman, Sarah Coyte, Lauren Ebsary, Sarah Edwards, Rene Farrell, Jodie Fields, Corinne Hall, Rachael Haynes, Alyssa Healy, Emma Inglis, Jessica Jonassen, Delissa Kimmince, Shelley Nitschke, Erin Osborne, Ellyse Perry, Kirsten Pike, Leah Poulton, Karen Rolton, Lisa Sthalekar, Selena Tainton, Jo-Ann Verrall, Elyse Villani, Julie Woerner.

I only put that list up here because they have interesting names. And because they're inherently awesome.

She used to kick ass and go to school at the same time. Now she kicks ass full time.