Jesse's Diary

The comments by Jesse's manager Aaron Klee:

"Let's be fair to Jesse - this is not a big issue. Jesse rang me and explained what happened several nights ago. He is disappointed that he drank after being off all alcohol for over 100 days."

And by his mentor Murray Deaker:

"Jesse's had over a hundred days of sobriety and has made enormous progress during that time, on and off the field."

Let the diary begin.

Day 1: Dear diary. Fuck.
Day 2: Didn't mean what I said yesterday. Going to stop drinking to save career.
Day 3: No drink today.
Day 4: Still no drink today.
Day 5: Tempted to drink to get beer goggles back. Can't.
Day 6: Zero drinks. Lots of Coke zero.
Day 7: Still no drink.
Day 8: Might be going to IPL.
Day 9: Going to play for Royal Challengers. Wonder what that means.
Day 10: Talked to owner of team. Fuck.
Day 11: Going good. No drink.
Day 12: Crossed off another box on calendar. No drink.
Day 13: Off to IPL. Won't drink on plane.
Day 14: Told air hostess to fuck off when she offered a drink.
Day 15: Need drink.
Day 16: Need drink.
Day 17: Drink. Fuck. Need.
Day 18: Told to focus on positives of staying sober.
Day 19:
Day 20:
Day 21:
Day 22:
Day 23: Positive of being sober: not smashing Dan's glasses everytime we go out.
Day 24: Kicked Lalit Modi in the nuts when he made a joke about putting your hand through glass.
Day 25: No drink for 25 days. No hot chicks either. Wonder where they went.
Day 26: Still no drink.
Day 50: Fucking diary.
Day 75: Made new friend from loser team. Likes to drink.
Day 85: Looked at wedding vows again. Once told my beer I'd never "touch her inappropriately again". Have to stick by promise in sickness and health.
Day 90: No drink. Lots of boxes crossed off on calendar.
Day 95: Mallya came round after win. With drinks.
Day 96: Taking blindfold with me everywhere.
Day 97: Crazy Morne poured a beer on my face. Tasted a drop. Not my fault.
Day 98: Trying not to remember that drop of beer.
Day 99:
Day 100:
Day 101: Hacking at legs with machete. Fucking legs couldn't get me out of there.
Day 102: All over news. I drank.
Day 103: Seeing God again. Must be a good sign.
Day 104: On the bright side, all the women are prettier now.

What are you talking about? Of course those dates match up. Of course they do.

The new 1st and 2nd

How a night's cricket can change the way the rankings look. Rajasthan were unstoppable and now find themselves at second place on the charts, while Delhi apparently knowingly beat Kolkata by 6 wickets. Yeah, I'm glad I didn't watch that one. But Morne van Wyk did well for his rather pathetic team, collecting 74 runs. The silly kind ogre does it again for his team.

Anyway, that makes Delhi first. My arch nemesis didn't bat so I am spared for another day.

Meanwhile, our new 3rd is battling injuries in both Dhoni and Morkel. It's Dhoni's finger and Albie's retarded ankle which I mentioned some while ago. They think it'll all be fine for the next match. OR WILL IT?

Om nom nom, says the Cookie Monster. This is a very tasty competition. But this is coming from someone who eats just about anything which appears to be delicious, but on the inside is not quite so nice.

If you can figure out where that analogy is going, I'm sure we'll all be thankful for the explanation, myself included.

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

Roelof van der Merwe

I know there's been a lot of talk about ROFL on this blog, but has anyone ever considered Roelof the man and not Roelof the player? No, I don't think so.

The thing is, Roelof the man shouldn't be on a cricket field. He looks as though he belongs in Santa's workshop, the evil elf who wrings chicken necks for fun. He's similar in stature to South Africa's other new kid on the international stage (although the latter still hasn't played internationally for SA itself), Morne van Wyk. What is it with saffas and naming their children terrible names like 'Morne'?

Morne is more of a kind half-ogre. Roelof is the real one to watch out for. He'll creep up behind you and gut you before you can say "mercy".

Roelof the player was in the Under-19 World Cup team for South Africa. Roelof the man spent the next two years lazing around in front of the telly downing beers. Roelof the player burst back onto the circuit and within the next 3 years, found himself playing against Australia in an ODI. Roelof the man spent those 3 years ensuring his face remained a similarly square shape, perfecting his poker face for the world of cricket.

Roelof the player's nickname is Bulldog. Roelof the man's nickname is I'mgonnagetcha.

Roelof can der Merwe can seriously bat, and seriously bowl. It's not that he's the greatest player in the world, but he can perform, and he's done it countless times. It does help a little if you debut against a team which is, how do I put it, utterly shit at playing spin, but there's no denying he's a top all-rounder.

But what am I doing, I'm talking about Roelof the player and not the man. Come Christmas season, Roelof will be heading back north for another month of sabotaging presents and killing fellow elves as he sets out to prove that not all elves are nice people.

"Hello. I'd just like to let you know, I am going to kill you."

Kings XI acquires South Africans

Sreesanth's out.
Brett Lee's likely to play, but nobody's 100% sure.
Jerome Taylor's also out, due to a road accident.

So King XI is looking a little bleak this year. They've had to bring in a new player to replace Jerome Taylor, and it's Yusuf Abdulla, a South African player. The 26 year old was signed on because he's South African, basically. Ness Wadia stated this as a reason for signing him up:

"He knows the ground better than anybody."

They're referring to Kingsmead, where Kings XI will play 6 matches.

It's not as though they've picked up just any player, though. In the 26 T20 matches he's played domestically, he has an economy rate of 5.83 (I suppose now would be as good a time as any to identify that he's a left-arm swing bowler). That's pretty impressive, but how will it compare when playing against the greats of the game?

The movement of the IPL to South Africa is seeing a greater demand for locals to be helping out with the team/being in the team. Kings XI have also signed Dave Nosworthy, a coach of one of the provincial teams, to assist Tom Moody. Last week, Charl Langeveldt was signed onto the Kolkata Knight Riders, after they considered CJ de Villiers but eventually opted for Langeveldt's experience. This year, a considerable number of South Africans are debuting in the IPL, including Tyron Henderson (Rajasthan Royals), Dillon du Preez (Bangalore Royal Challengers), Ryan McLaren (Mumbai Indians), Roelof van der Merwe (Bangalore Royal Challengers) and Morné van Wyk (Kolkata Knight Riders).

Notice that last name? He's turning up everywhere I look.
Dillon du Preez has a smooth name. Should therefore be a smooth player.
ROFL is also playing for the first time. Wishing him luck.

Morkel bowls Pietersen and de Villiers out

No, not that Morkel. It was, alas, Morne Morkel's day in the spotlight.
And no, it wasn't that Pietersen. It was a Charl Pietersen.
You probably already suspect this, but it wasn't that de Villiers. This one is a CJ de Villiers.

South Africa seem to be running out of surnames.

In a domestic match between the aptly named Gestetner Diamond Eagles and the Nashua Titans (That first name is fabulously strange), Morne Morkel decided to take on board some of the extensive coaching Vinnie Barnes has been giving him over the past few months and beat the shit out of the opposition. He took a career best of 6/43 off 15 overs, beating his previous best of 6/47. Morkel removed Pietersen (5) and de Villiers (duck) in the one over, or rather, in the space of 3 balls.

It's fortunate Morne Morkel wasn't the bowler to get the wicket of Morne van Wyk, or the similarities between all these names would have started getting even creepier. As it already is.

Reports have confirmed Morne snuck off the field to call AB de Villiers from a payphone and laugh manically, breathing heavily down the line, in an attempt to scare AB into dropping out of cricket altogether. I am not sure how well the plan has worked, as AB is still running around fielding impossible balls like a creepy robot:

"Cannot compute."