Jesse's Diary

The comments by Jesse's manager Aaron Klee:

"Let's be fair to Jesse - this is not a big issue. Jesse rang me and explained what happened several nights ago. He is disappointed that he drank after being off all alcohol for over 100 days."

And by his mentor Murray Deaker:

"Jesse's had over a hundred days of sobriety and has made enormous progress during that time, on and off the field."

Let the diary begin.

Day 1: Dear diary. Fuck.
Day 2: Didn't mean what I said yesterday. Going to stop drinking to save career.
Day 3: No drink today.
Day 4: Still no drink today.
Day 5: Tempted to drink to get beer goggles back. Can't.
Day 6: Zero drinks. Lots of Coke zero.
Day 7: Still no drink.
Day 8: Might be going to IPL.
Day 9: Going to play for Royal Challengers. Wonder what that means.
Day 10: Talked to owner of team. Fuck.
Day 11: Going good. No drink.
Day 12: Crossed off another box on calendar. No drink.
Day 13: Off to IPL. Won't drink on plane.
Day 14: Told air hostess to fuck off when she offered a drink.
Day 15: Need drink.
Day 16: Need drink.
Day 17: Drink. Fuck. Need.
Day 18: Told to focus on positives of staying sober.
Day 19:
Day 20:
Day 21:
Day 22:
Day 23: Positive of being sober: not smashing Dan's glasses everytime we go out.
Day 24: Kicked Lalit Modi in the nuts when he made a joke about putting your hand through glass.
Day 25: No drink for 25 days. No hot chicks either. Wonder where they went.
Day 26: Still no drink.
Day 50: Fucking diary.
Day 75: Made new friend from loser team. Likes to drink.
Day 85: Looked at wedding vows again. Once told my beer I'd never "touch her inappropriately again". Have to stick by promise in sickness and health.
Day 90: No drink. Lots of boxes crossed off on calendar.
Day 95: Mallya came round after win. With drinks.
Day 96: Taking blindfold with me everywhere.
Day 97: Crazy Morne poured a beer on my face. Tasted a drop. Not my fault.
Day 98: Trying not to remember that drop of beer.
Day 99:
Day 100:
Day 101: Hacking at legs with machete. Fucking legs couldn't get me out of there.
Day 102: All over news. I drank.
Day 103: Seeing God again. Must be a good sign.
Day 104: On the bright side, all the women are prettier now.

What are you talking about? Of course those dates match up. Of course they do.

Bangalore in bits

Can't say much, planning to take off soon. But it seems Bangalore have primed themselves for another batting collapse.

Jesse Ryder is out for 2 off 5 balls. Pathan's wicket. I don't know who to cheer in this circumstance.

And Kumble is captain over Kallis. Thank god someone saw sense.

No Captaincy For Jacques

It's all a downward spiral for Jacques' IPL hopes. Now Ray Jennings is saying the captaincy is still being decided upon, even though they had pretty much made it clear he would be captain after KP left.

What did it? The pathetic bowling or the equally-as-bad batting? I am very interested. What tipped Bangalore over the edge? The 4 straight losses might have had something to do with it. And the fact that Jacques is just a fat fuck who doesn't even deserve the title of "Best All-Rounder in the World" but who still has it heaped on him regularly.

Or maybe they were truly terrified by the thought of captaining by consensus. Imagine that. No Dravid, no KP, just Jacques and a whole bunch of young Indian players, plus a Dale Steyn, Ross Taylor, Anil Kumble and maybe a Jesse Ryder. Sounds like a great decision-making committee. So many Kiwis they'd probably fuck it all up. But Kumble is the one good thing about that. I'm sure they could trust him, even if he's say the Deccan Chargers hadn't played in the spirit of the game because they WON, DAMMIT. Alright, that's a low dig. But I don't care.

Then again, who else does Bangalore have now? Nobody, that's what. They're fucked, and I'm not saying that lightly. They are well and truly fucked, and nobody's going to save their asses after KP hops on his private jet for England and slides down giant mountains of cash in his new mansion with glee.

Ray Jennings isn't even sure if he wants to play Jacques. That's desperate. If I were Ray Jennings, I'd play Jacques just to have a laugh, and then put all my money on the other team winning. That isn't how it works, unfortunately.

After that, they'd have to bring in Boucher, just to be a second senior player in the team and to make sure Jesse doesn't flip and Hulk everyone to bits. Jennings has said that if Jacques does play then of course he, wait for it... might be captain. So the only way for him to not possibly captain is if he doesn't play. And it seems as though Jennings is seriously considering that possibility.

Hallelujah. And not the sad one, the happy one.

"UNFLAPPABLE, TIRELESSLY SPENDS HOURS AT THE CREASE, ARGUABLY THE MOST PRIZED TEST WICKET AFTER RICKY PONTING, SIMILAR TO DON BRADMAN."

Mighty losses

So Australia lost.

And Bangalore lost.

I won't mention anything about that first loss, but Gilly was absolutely smoking out there. So was Rohit Sharma, of course, but Gilchrist was amazing. We'll be seeing a lot more of this in the matches to come.

Jesse was out for a duck. Something is seriously wrong with him. KP was out on 11, but he took 2 wickets so he's probably secretly pleased with himself. But not as pleased as Dravid who's showing he's the real rock of the team. He made 48, and Kohli made a half century to save face for Bangalore.

An open letter to the Indian players

Tonight, after he has drowned his sorrows at the local pub, you're first on Jesse's list.

How New Zealand can win - Part 2

What was that? 167/4? 450 runs behind? Impossible? La la la, I can't hear you. Because New Zealand have to win. Not just that, but they're obviously going to win. Never mind that Taylor's one of two real or able batsman NZ now have to rely on, after Guptill's relatively well played innings came to an end at the hands of Harbhajan. Never mind that Jesse deigned to allow himself to get out for an entirely pathetic 2 ball duck, when really, we needed another double century to eat away at a fraction of the mammoth 617 India posted.

Never mind it's never been done before.

Because obviously they can still do it. Here's what I propose (I've already emailed this plan to Iain O'Brien and he's told me the team are getting right on top of it): Tonight, sneak into Zaheer Khan's room and kill him. I'm sorry, it's the only way. Before the game tomorrow, pay a friendly visit to Daryl Harper and tell him you've invented the best hair regrowth cream ever, and that is has a 100% regrowth rate. I'm sure he'll be willing to slip up on lbw decisions then. At 3am tomorrow morning, get out on the field and perform the reverse rain dance. You've gone to all this trouble to try to win, and rain better not ruin it. That's the behind-the-scenes stuff that NZ need to get in control before they even attempt to bat tomorrow.

On the field: Don't get out. If you do, wander over to Harper and mutter, "About that cream..." and watch him reverse the decision. Smile smugly.

Next, piss off Harbhajan. With Khan out of the picture after your escapades last night, you need to invoke mistakes from this man. Tell him how unhappy his sisters are with the marriages he arranged for them. Tell him he looks like a sour chicken, whatever that is. Tell him everyone's burning effigies of him back in India because he's ugly as shit. Tell him he's an obnoxious weed. That you'll slap him. The point is, piss him off to the point he's giving terrible deliveries which you then smash for boundaries.

But there is one other part to this plan, the most important part of all:
Chris Martin makes a century.

You know he will.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.

At tea, New Zealand are stuffed

140 for 7.

Give me a break.

Now they're 164/8 and Brendon McCullum and Iain O'Brien are going to have to do some salvaging to save this innings, because Southee just handed another wicket to Zaheer Khan who has already picked up 5 wickets today.

Ross Taylor scored 42 before departing. Dhoni's had 3 catches already. Jesse Ryder was out on 3.

What?

New Zealand on top

Of who, you say? Of India. The Kiwis declared at 619/9 on the second day of the Napier test. Among their significant achievers:

• Jesse Ryder, scoring his maiden double century, but then getting out on the very next ball, trying to hit a wide ball. Such is life. And notice how he no longer gets posts devoted entirely to him? It means I am making progress in the department of treating him like any other NZer.
• Brendon McCullum had a good day too, not out on 103 when NZ declared.
• James Franklin, who was run out on 52.
• Dan Vettori hit 43, and bizarrely decided to declare without hitting 7 more runs.

Jesse Ryder's 201 is the 3rd highest individual score a Kiwi has achieved against India. Graham Dowling rounds out the best with a 238 in 1968, and Bert Sutcliffe comes next with 230 n.o. in a 1955 match.

Quite an achievement.

Ryder keeps going and going, Warner says "me too"

Jesse Ryder scored his second test century, alongside Ross Taylor scoring his third, on the first day of the Napier test match. In an extraordinary feat of discipline and long-awaited exercise, Ryder batted out more than seven hours to remain unbeaten on 137 at stumps. He and Taylor also broke a NZ fourth wicket batting record, but it's a NZ record, so that's not saying much.

Taylor said it was "good to get there" in regard to his century, but he wasn't going to take all credit for NZ's momentary success:

"A lot credit has to go to Jesse. I think he played outstandingly well and to still be there, after over six hours, he's been great."

"I'm not making a fat joke, I swear," Taylor insisted.

Notice how he sneakily tries to downgrade Ryder's achievement? "Six hours". We're onto Taylor. Kiwis can't be trusted, least of all their cricketers.

David Warner, one-time Aussie superstar, has been talking to the press as well. He's in the T20 squad for this week's matches, and is planning to "take it to them" - them being the SA bowlers, in particular Dale Steyn. Warner uses particularly colourful phrases when referring to how he plans to perform in the T20s against Steyn:

"You don't want to be on the back foot to them because if they are going to get on top of you, you're cooked. He is definitely one of the best bowlers I've faced. He has got me out a couple of times. I think I'm his bunny."

The only question that remains is what kind of bunny?

That is a more disturbing thought than I am willing and able to stomach.