You're killing me, Albie

Or rather, he's killing himself. What is this injury, this mysterious injury that is plaguing him? It's not so much plaguing him as keeping him firmly tucked away on the sidelines hanging out with the other sick kids of the team, namely Haydos and Badrinath. Not to mention Makhaya Ntini, who is being paid a heck of a lot to act as the team jester for the tournament. Even I could juggle for the Chennai Super Kings if that's all they want out of him, and I'd do it for free.

Anyway, Dhoni says Hayden and Albie will be back for the semis:

"Albie Morkel and Badrinath had niggles and they didn't needed to be rested. We could have played them. We played Badri because we thought our batting would weaken if he is not there. Hayden will be fine. The physio has said so. We could have pushed him to play this match but it is good to have him for the semifinals."

George Bailey, meanwhile, has played more games than anyone ever thought he would. Was that his third last night? He certainly looked happy. But then again, he always looks happy so that's not much to go on.

The top bloke took quite a smashing by the otherwise weak Chennai batting order. Not that it mattered, because their bowling somehow saved them. Strange, that.

I bet you're wondering who top-scored for Chennai. It was Parthiv Patel. Yeah.

Royal fuckups

You know what I'm talking about. It was good entertainment, well worth your nonexistent dollar to watch. Jadeja intent on running out as many team mates was the highlight of Rajasthan's innings.

But do I care? An emphatic no. Possibly an exclamation mark on the end of that too. It's all well and fine, KKR will probably win this one in a bizarre inversion of their playing performances. Even losing wickets early won't kill them chasing a total of 101.

Meanwhile, Albie's preparing to fuck up big time against a top bloke we all know. Good job, man. Keep it up. Why am I so bitter? Maybe because he's being a goddamn prick and refusing to play well when he needs to.

Doesn't mean he's not the flagship player of this blog. Players with faults are the best players made. I'm pretty sure I just butchered a colloquialism so much just then that you wouldn't be able to recognise its origins. There's a good indicator of my sanity, dears.

And for good measure, down with Agarkar! Someone chop off his ears.

Holy shit

Holy fucking shit.

Irfan Pathan does it. The top bloke does it after a horror over from Mota.

11 needed off the over, Rohit Sharma at the crease. A wide. Two wickets.

And Irfan Pathan delivers, at times trying to steal the King Kong title from his brother.

Preity Zinta is going mad. And the top bloke does it.

Kings XI

To be honest, I thought Irfan Pathan was their last real chance to get them to 150 or thereabouts. Sure, Sangakkara's wicket was a big one, but Irfan and Brett Lee can do some hitting.

That's not to say they won't win or that 150 is the magic number, but it was a fairly good number. Kings XI don't really seem to be all that desperate to stay in the competition. I actually wanted them to win this one.

And how are Deccan up and about so soon after their last match?

I'm also freaked out about the blatant innuendo in an ad for drag racing on ONE. It basically goes along the lines of a woman in a sultry voice purring "This is the only time you'll be rewarded for finishing under 10 seconds" before she goes on to speak of "hulking metal" and other such supposedly titillating things. Lovely. It's even better than ONE going out of their way to promote netball as a contact sport ("Who says netball isn't a contact sport?" Cue footage of netballer being knocked over). Well, everybody, actually. Because netball isn't a contact sport and it's no use pretending it is just to rope in more viewers.

What really hurts

Andrew Symonds hitting Irfan Pathan for consecutive boundaries, a 4 and a 6.

I love Roy (at times), but fuck I hate seeing monkeys bash top blokes.

And with that, I may retire to watch the games in peace, bottle in hand.

Actually, fuck that, CONSECUTIVE SIXES OFF SREESANTH. Hahahaha.

Pathan 0/42. I'm crying.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

--

Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.

What Makes Kings XI Special?

From their site:

I can't help but love the orange cap superimposed on Shaun Marsh's head, and the wannabe gangster Sreesanth. Not to mention Yuvi's "awesome skills".

Irfan Pathan, top bloke, has the very best fan policy of all:

I believe in being nice to the fans… win or lose. It is very important. These are small things… they don’t expect too much. Maybe an autograph or a photo… speak nicely to them and they are happy.

That's what we expect from top blokes.

And, if you're interested, a written piece from the one and only Ranadeb Bose. Aside from the misspelling of Brett Lee's name, he really does have good English. No wonder people considered the possibility that he could have been a certain someone from the outset.

Spotto

I have discovered a slew of Spottos which I have neglected to put up in the past, so expect a few in a row now.

Spotted: Top bloke absorbing some of bro King Kong's tendencies.

That wasn't after last night's match, of course.

Bangalore in bits

Can't say much, planning to take off soon. But it seems Bangalore have primed themselves for another batting collapse.

Jesse Ryder is out for 2 off 5 balls. Pathan's wicket. I don't know who to cheer in this circumstance.

And Kumble is captain over Kallis. Thank god someone saw sense.

Hello Irfan

It was good to see him back, wasn't it? If Punjab were going to win, I'm glad it's him who won it for them.

Of course, Sangakkara did a lot with the bat, but Irfan Pathan was an all-round superstar. See what I did there.

Although, I cannot believe Punjab's bowlers were good enough to defend that pathetic total. Kudos to them. Irfan did the good stuff at the start.

"I'm the king of the world!"

The only thing he's missing is a Kate Winslet.

And I'm extremely pissed off that they're still showing racing instead of the IPL. The first match was broadcast when the second one had begun so NONE OF IT WAS LIVE. Fuckers.

And on the previous match, fat Jacques is out first ball. I laughed for a long time.

KP's face after he got out was priceless. You could tell he was furious with himself for being such an idiot. Which he was.

Dravid can't do everything

48/3

Dravid walks out, but he's gone a short while later.

Kallis somehow gets 62 off 46 balls.

Ravi Bopara does the job for Punjab with his 84 off 59 balls.

And Irfan Pathan was good with the ball, wasn't he? Two wickets in the last over counts for something.

And KP gives another shit performance.

Shuk Rah Khan's Royal Ways

I love Ryan Campbell too much not to henceforth rename Shahrukh as Shuk Rah. What shits me about this is that someone emailed ONE saying they were incorrectly pronouncing "Punjab" and the hosts took that on board (for all of 30 minutes. After that Wingard returned to "Poonjab") but that nobody has seen fit to send in an email about the frightfully disturbing "Shuk Rah Khan".

I'm taking it upon myself to do it. Watch Thursday night's action on Australian screens and hopefully Wingard will tell us about Campbell's royal error.

Speaking of royal - excellent segue there - I'm shitting myself watching SRK in the stands observing his team. While Ganguly is blinking out "Fuck you all" in Morse code, Shuk Rah sits in his throne having a smoke.

But wait? Is the camera on him? In that case, he'll casually drop his arm and wave a royal wave to the crowd that would make Queen Elizabeth damn near proud. Just look at his posture, his quiet confidence, his shit hair. In fact, he'll not only wave to his fans, he'll blow a quietly sentimental kiss at them.

Fuck. Isn't he amazing? His kids must love it, what with the passive smoking and all. Their grey little lungs are jumping for joy.

Random trippy photo to break this post up a little.

Seeing as I didn't really post on it, I'll just mention how awesome Irfan Pathan was with the bat last night. Top job from our Top Bloke.

IPL Watch: Yusuf Pathan

The Dave Hussey to our Mike. Currently in form, a real all-rounder with strengths in both batting and bowling. Not a bad fielder either. Yusuf Pathan is yet another example of those Rajasthan Royals picking players based on quality performances, and he stepped up to the plate in the inaugural season of the IPL to prove his worth. $475,000 worth.

Good man.

The IPL really brought Pathan into the spotlight. He was a key player on Warnie's side, and if you'll remember, played a big role in the final against the Chennai Super Kings, picking up 3/22 and also having a handy day with the bat, with 56 off 39 balls. That won the match, and also won him the man of the man award.

Throughout the tournament, Yusuf Pathan scored 435 runs and took 8 wickets with his off-spin. Shane Watson scored 472 runs and took 17 wickets. They were both excellent players, but this post is about Pathan. Maybe Watson will come later.

Pathan's big strength was his batting. Over the course of 16 matches, he had a strike rate of almost 180, the second highest in the tournament after Sehwag. Along the way, he scored 4 half centuries, one of which was from only 21 balls against the Deccan Chargers - the fastest fifty in the competition.

When he's not busy pretending not to know his brother...

"Hi, uh... Imran, right? No? Irfan? Gotcha."

...Yusuf Pathan is a very clean hitter of the ball. He's no slogger. Watching him hit repeatedly perfect shots over the boundary made this pretty clear. He was an expert at finding the middle of the bat, and played straight out of a textbook. Nice to watch.

This year, with Shane Watson still recovering from an injury and not likely to bowl, perhaps Pathan will find himself playing a more important role in the proceedings with the ball. More likely, however, is that the Rajasthan Royals have been grooming a few younger Indian players for this. Kamran Khan, says Warne. I want to see this guy in action. Pathan looks likely to continue to make big scores and push his team closer to the finals.

There's a reason he's so good. I don't know why nobody else has considered this, but it's pretty obvious to me. Yusuf Pathan is some sort of reincarnation of King Kong. If you look at him in motion, or especially after he takes a wicket, the similarities are tremendous. Photos don't do his ape side justice, you need to watch it with your own eyes.

Irfan Pathan: Top Bloke

Every once in a while, you come across a cricketer who's generally (note, generally, not always) nice on the field and a nice person outside it. Meeting them is like the ray of sunshine in a normally dull world... Well, not quite so dramatic, but when you meet a cricketer who's a downright nice person, it sticks with you for a while.

Which is why I'm bringing into play the Top Bloke series. Based on past interactions with, or a general consensus in the blogging world, I will highlight those cricketers who are truly top blokes. And the women are included in here as well. Who says they can't be called blokes for convenience's sake? They may even outweigh the men, who knows.

The first in this series is the one and only Irfan Pathan. He's completely accommodating to fans, which is exactly what you want. Snooty glares and an uptight attitude does cricketers no favours, and in fact, probably just embarrasses the fan as well. That's why, when I had the good luck of meeting Irfan Pathan, I was blown away by how kind and humorous he was. I probably had about 2 whole minutes to glean this, which was long enough for me to realise that Irfan Pathan, the nice guy who jokes around and doesn't hesitate to take photos or sign autographs for what must be the umpteenth time, is a true top bloke.

He had this title under wraps from the first "Hello? How are you?"

Let's hope he gets his swing back.