What say? Money or loyalty?

Apparently I was wrong about that post earlier today regarding the Champions League. Weird, because Lalit Modi has decided the players who face a conflict between their IPL team and domestic team can actually choose which team they play for.

We already know the IPL franchise has to reimburse the team they're poaching a player off, but what does this new development mean? Would they have to be willing to offer a higher amount than usual?

"There is already a modus operandi laid down by all the members of the Champions League and which has been accepted by everybody. It is a player's choice to decide which team he is going to play for. The choice is left to the player not to the franchise."

Very strange. If I were a player, I'd probably end up going with my domestic team. Just imagine the praise and glory your countrymen would heap upon you. The public would love you for it, and so would the cricketing authority that governed your country's cricketing league. Why piss off a few important people and take a little extra money in the short term when you could find yourself reaching greater heights in the long term by playing for your country/state.

Dirk Nannes, of course, does not count in any of this. I'm sure he'd wholeheartedly play for Delhi if the time came to make a decision. Unless he feels an extraordinary amount of love for Victoria that we are otherwise unaware of.

The Gilchrist Offensive

Pretty good, don't you reckon?

Okay, not just pretty good, but pretty fucking good. Just as the papers and headlines were talking about Shoaib's genital warts yesterday, it's Gilly all the way today. It was a great effort in the end which knocked the top dogs out of the competition.

I still don't like the look of him in that uniform. It highlights his more creepy qualities, and I couldn't for the live of me tell you what they are. It's intangible, the creepiness that blue uniform instils in Gilchrist.

According to Cricinfo, Gilly's opening partner Gibbs has gotten out for the most ducks this tournament, that being 4. I actually thought the honour would belong to a BRC player but they didn't give their openers enough games to do so. But maybe there should be an enquiry into Gibbs after the ridiculous KKR one involving Hodge being left out of the game. The fact that DC still succeeded despite Gibbs' duck just gives the idea more credibility. He was never good at fixing the game anyway.

Deccan Chargers finished up the match in the 18th over. In a semifinal. That's just really fucked up on some level, and I'm sure Delhi realise it. What's more, I'm sure AB realises it. No glory for him.

To mourn the loss of Delhi, if you're a fan of theirs, the infamous Page 2 has an interview with Dirk, which mostly seems to be about how much his kid wants to go to the beach. But there's some real gems in there:

"If I am not good enough to be in the top 30 Australian cricketers, I will eat my hat."

I can't think of another cricketer who would say that, and there should be more that do. But I'll eat my hat to that too.

You know the best compliment I got in this IPL? It came from AB [de Villiers]. He said, you have a beautiful family, fantastic kids and a wonderful wife. What more can I ask for?

And you also have God, Dirk. You also have God.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

--

Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.

Rehab

The very clever individual who repeatedly called me Amy Winehouse (Amy - geddit? LOL) has had their wishes come true, but in a very indirect way.

Lalit Modi, Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri, along with some buddies back in India, have come to the decision that Kamran Khan should undergo 2 weeks of rehabilitation. When Kamran first heard the news, he was excited. Finally, a chance to spend 2 whole weeks alone with Herschelle Gibbs! This wasn't a punishment, it was a blessing.

But then someone told him it wasn't that kind of rehab and he broke down into tears.

Yeah, that's me. How did you guess?

Washed out by Deccan Chargers

Here we go, the second match of the day was abandoned due to rain. Thank god, because I actually wouldn't have been able to watch it. Channel ONE decided to show us the Chinese Grand Prix between the two matches. Fuckers. I had things to do and places to be so I eventually sacrificed the game for a bit of sleep.

But Mumbai vs. Deccan Chargers. Throughout the game, the commentators kept talking about how great the Deccan innings was, but I never felt it to be honest. They seemed to get a boundary every few balls and a hell of a lot dot balls in between. It was a choppy innings and when they initiated their collapse I was still a little bored by the match.

Mumbai came on and for the first 10 overs, looked right on track. RP Singh took the wicket of Jayasuriya and decided to show us his hairy chest which I wasn't particularly a fan of. Deccan were looking worse for wear but the strategic time out did it, and they won by 12 runs.

Malinga the Slinger was looking good, as was JP Duminy, but in the end, the West Indians won the day. Fidel Edwards and Dwayne Smith were priceless in the win against Mumbai.

So while the commentators were chatting about Sartre and other equally cricket-related things, I noticed a few interesting things on the field:

Gilly looks terrible in the blue uniform. It just makes him look creepy. Of course, his wasn't the worse uniform of the night. The Mumbai cheerleaders won that category. WTF were they wearing? They looked like they'd decorated cossies with tinsel.

The Deccan Chargers' fielding coach Mike Young makes Anzac Day sound like a joke.

Quote of the day:
"This is his day today. Before he left, someone put their hand on his head and said 'This is your day'." -Indian commentator on Herschelle Gibbs. I couldn't pick who the commentator was, but it was a funny quote.

Ad of the day:
Brad McEwan and ONE Technology on the Nintendo DSi:
Brad: *into recorder* I love Sports Tonight.
Harvey Norman dude: You do. I love watching it.

And then Brad goes all suggestive on us and says: "Well, there you go. The Nintendo DSi. Plenty of fun in a small package."

Cheers, Brad.

Rain rain go away

Hopefully it doesn't come back another day. The 3rd and 4th mtches of the IPL were affected quite drastically by the rain at Cape Town, with the Kings XI vs. Delhi match being shortened to just 18 overs in total.

The results: Delhi Daredevils won against Kings XI, despite some excellent performances by Karan Goel and Ravi Bopara up the order for Punjab. But the organisers decided to go with the stupid tactical time-out after 6 overs of play, and when they came back, all was not well for Kings XI.

You could argue that Goel had gotten out on the last ball of the over before the break, and that Delhi were going to bring on Dan Vettori anyway, but I do feel that 7 and a half minute break had something to do with Punjab's collapse. Ravi Bopara was out lbw first ball of Dan's over, who went on to pick up 3 wickets for 15. Impressive stuff from the Kiwi, which we all expected.

Yuvraj had a hard knock with a couple of sixes before being run out and eyeing Jayawardene quite frostily down at the other end. After that, Punjab were doomed, but they still set up over 100 runs. Delhi came in and Gambhir and Sehwag went lukewarm nuts, whatever that means. Rain stopped play soon after, and when Delhi came back on, they needed 30 to win from 25 balls. Easy. Delhi won. AB didn't get to bat. Heh.

Then there was Kolkata vs. Deccan Chargers. The latter won, surprisingly. But it was a good performance, and the Chargers won impressively by 8 wickets.
Rohit Sharma was smoking.
Herschelle Gibbs is in form, which automatically means he's on fire.
RP Singh was burning, picking up 4 wickets on the night.
Fidel Edwards - you saw it, need I say more?

But that run out from Sharma was one to watch. A direct hit from extra cover had Ajit Agarkar sobbing off the field. Brilliant. He also had an excellent catch, taking Moises Henriques, again at extra cover.

I guess Ganguly had his revenge. Brendon's first match did not go well.

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

The most satisfying feeling in the world

Nathan Bracken:
7 overs, 0/41, economy of 5.85. Most expensive bowler in the team.

That is the way it should be. Until he cuts off his hair, every batsman should punish him, no exceptions. Even Harwood's got a wicket and he's old and getting worse by the year. Fittingly, Bracken has dropped down to 5th in the ODI rankings. Chew on that, Nathan. Or chew on your hair with acid-strength saliva.

In other news, AB's strike rate has dropped down to below 100 once more, thank god, and South Africa bring up their 150. Gibbs is still playing, surprisingly, having not swung madly at every ball that's come his way and lobbed it to a fielder. Hopefully, AB and Gibbs get out so the real player/s can come in and do the work.

Kallis had a better strike rate than Smith. That's just weird.

--

Gibbs will attempt to hit a six to bring up his ton, and hit it straight to Ferguson.

WHAT THE FUCK AB, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

The Echidna dropped AB. I am mortified for him. After the match AB will approach him and tell him Jesus doesn't care whether you drop a catch, he just loves your inner soul. Fuck that shit, Ferguson. YOU DROPPED AB.

HAHAHAHA, ALBIE'S PROMOTED UP THE ORDER. GET THE BAND GOING PLEASE.

Batting powerplay. I give you permission to go nuts, Albie. So does the Queen. Our prayers are with you, so let the bat do all the talking and along with hitting a half century, run out my arch nemesis AB de Villiers.

GIVE ALBIE THE GODDAMN STRIKE, AB. Show off.

An embarrassment of riches

That title has nothing to do with what I'm about to say. I'm not really about to say anything, either, except YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN, ALBIE. Way to go under the radar for the past few matches and let AB do the smooth work to guide South Africa to victory. I'm not putting up with that shit anymore. I want more SA-in-Aus theatrics. Big hitting, impossibly long boundaries, some bloody entertaining stuff okay, Albie?

Okay. I don't give a shit about your bowling anyway. Wait, yes I do, but not in comparison to your batting. AB might be the irritatingly smooth one, but you can at least smash things around and be the interesting one. Just don't get out in the 20s all the time, for fuck's sake. It looks terrible on the scorecard in comparison to a half century or more. Slogging isn't everything, despite what I've previously said in this post. High strike rates are fun, but so are high scores.

The 4th ODI:
South Africa were sent into bat, and Herschelle Gibbs is going to get out sometime soon. I predict the next 20 minutes.

I don't remember the exact figures, but SA have lost on this ground something like 11 out of 13 times. And Australia have had many field days here. Haha, get it? That was a lame joke. Anyway, South Africa haven't had all that much luck here. Luckily (haha, another joke), Albie's here to turn it around for them. He better, or I'm writing another post in which I tell all his fans he's married to a man. Who says I can't be petty?

South Africa probably won't need Albie to go crazy anyway. In the SA tour of Australia, the ODI series was basically won because of him, and that's only because SA's top and middle order collapsed, then called the batting powerplay and sent Albie out to bat. Pressure is something he came to know very well, and he delivered every time.

These past few matches, Albie's just been traipsing around like a fairy, getting out while trying to slog the ball from here to the moon. That's a terrible analogy, but as I may have said a few posts back, I actually seem to be in a stupor of sorts. I don't even really feel as though I'm writing this. That's strange. Adios, watch the ODI. Watch Albie. He better perform or I'm tearing his house down.

That's not me.

Mark Boucher's Website

Yes, you knew it. Let me be honest from the get go here and say that Mark's website is a hell of a lot better than AB's or Jacques'. Especially Jacques'. I didn't laugh at Mark anywhere near as much as I laughed at the others, but there were still plenty of laughs to be had from his website. Plenty.

Mark is quite open about the fact that someone manages his website for him. It is a lady by the name of Kendra who is responsible for forwarding fan mail and questions to him. The site reveals more, such as the fact that AB got the idea for "Ask AB" from Mark, and in fact, the idea for having a website at all from Mark.

Mark is possibly the most normal senior member of the SA cricket team. He doesn't have crazy superstitions, isn't a muppet, doesn't seem to be lacking in brain cells, isn't a crazy religious junkie, hasn't raped anyone yet by my count, isn't tempted by the prospect of taking drugs while on an away tour, so I'd say this all equates to him being the most "normal" senior member of the team.

The About page is quite interesting. The first photo is of Mark as a, let's face it, fat child. He's a cute kid, but I appear to be looking directly at a growing beer belly in the photo.

The caption reads "Mark wearing his favourite Heidi t-shirt"

The About page has a lot of quotes from various people about how Mark is the best wicketkeeper South Africa has ever had, and related things. It also speaks of many records Mark has broken. At least he isn't simply unflappable and selflessly able to spend hours at the crease like Jacques Kallis.

But there's a very interesting comment on the page:

Boucher showed his leadership qualities when he talked to Herschelle Gibbs and got him to tell the truth about his match fixing.

...What? Is this The Mark Show or something? Why is he calling out Gibbs on this? As it turns out, this isn't the first example of Mark taking the moral high ground over people like Gibbs. he does it several times in other places too.

The Mark Show continues a little while later, at the expense of Shaun Pollock and Graeme Smith:

[He] led the team in tests four times. These matches included a victory over Australia, an achievement which neither Pollock nor current captain Graeme Smith can boast of.

This is a very 'ha ha I beat you' approach to take to a team member. If Graeme ever reads this, he's going to morph into a muppet and kill Mark.

Which one is Graeme?

Then there's a description of Mark which is hilarious:

He is well known for his tough, 'Australian-like' approach to the game and it has been said that he steps onto a cricket field like he owns it.

Funny, I've never noticed that before. I wonder who supposedly said it. And is acting like an Australian dickhead suddenly the new cool in cricket? I thought it induced threats of boycotts, not praise.

Like most wicketkeepers, he can often be heard to sledge the opposing team's batsmen. In a test match against Zimbabwe he started sledging Tatenda Taibu, the Zimbabwean wicket-keeper which included Boucher saying 'what's your average!'

Hahaha, good one! Let's really psych them out, Mark! What's your average!

There is even a Did you know? section at the bottom of the page:

• Our national keeper has a Gold award for Afrikaans Poetry in the Grahamstown Eisteddfod.
• Boucher was also a talented athlete having had a budding career as a high jumper.
• His favorite pastime at school was engraving his girl friends names onto the desks at school.
• Boucher broke a bone in his arm in his Matric year while performing a stage dive of historic proportions off a roof while playing a Guns ‘n Roses air guitar at a friend’s party.
• The little scar on his lip is not from some manly bar fight as he might claim but was caused by a nasty encounter with a trolley while racing at the Vincent Park shopping centre!

I don't even know how to respond to these. I love his favourite pasttime, however. Judging by all the list of achievements, however, I would have expected it to be "winning". And I cannot even begin to imagine what the "nasty encounter with a trolley" would entail. How do you even have a nasty encounter with a shopping trolley?

Among other things on Mark's site, there's a Fan Club page, where every week, a different fan is profiled on his site. This week it's Storm Pelser. She has captivating eyes that are similar to Mark Boucher's. And Alistair Cook's. I hope to be next week's fan of the week.

And now we're onto the Ask Mark page. It's the second best part of his site. A lot of it is fan mail, but there are some gems hidden in the Ask Mark section...

Q. During lunch breaks do you actually eat or do something else?
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA

Excellent question, Odette.

Q. Your website is 10,000 times better than AB's except for his videos!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA

Take that, AB! 10,000 times! Mark must be gloating.

Q. Who is your best friend in the team and who is the best bowler?
FROM DANIYAL MARK, PAKISTAN
I have lots of close friends in the team but I suppose I am closest to Jacques as we have played together for so long and live near to each other as well. I couldn't choose one particular bowler as they all have specific talents.

Just when you think he's normal, you find out Jacques is his best friend...

Q. Your sister Che is really gorgeous, please tell her.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
What and give her a big head...don't think so!! Okay I will tell her.

Funniest reply ever. Okay I will tell her.

There is even a follow-on Q&A from a fan named "Leesa Nottle". It begins with her saying this:

Q. My whole family is barracking for you guys. Keep it up know you can beat them in SA!
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Not too sure what barracking is but it sounds like a good thing so thank your family for their support from me.

Q. Barracking means we are supporting you guys. Kick butt in the ODI's.
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Good I thought it sounded worse, thanks for clearing that one up.

Awkward... If I were Mark, I would have just not posted that follow-up comment by Leesa and followed AB's lead in censorship.

Q. Do you like India and it's food. What is your height?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Definitely I love India and it's food. Back home I visit my local curry restaurant often as it is the nearest I get to proper Inidan food. My height is.......

His height is... dun dun DUN. This is more exciting than a James Bond movie.

Q. Is it true that you have retired from the game?
FROM MAVA MAHAMBA, SA
The last time I checked I was still playing. No plans to retire yet.

It's questions like these which make me think he's being far more tongue-in-cheek than AB would or Jacques could ever be.

Q. What is your favourite hobby and why?
FROM ROXY LIGHTFOOT, ZIMBABWE
Hi Roxy, how's it going there in Zim? If you can call Golf a hobby than that is mine.

Mark is so down with it he's abbreviated Zimbabwe. I wonder if Roxy send him a reply telling him how it's going in Zim.

Q. South African team is one of my favourites. What religion are you?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Hi Shikha, thanks for the vote. I am not particularly into any religion more than another but at the moment my religion is cricket!

See, better than AB, if it weren't for the cheesiness.

Q. Is "my boe"t afrikaans..what does it mean?
FROM DASUNI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Hi Dasuni. Firstly I would like to give you my condolences regarding the tragedy that happened at the Lahore stadium. The team and I are horrified and send you all our best wishes during this difficult time. My boet means my brother. Best wishes my boet. Mark

And Mark wins the award for THE most awkward segue ever.

Q. We met you when my son was playing squash at Londt Park. We are so proud of your success.
FROM DOREEN SEABORNE, SA
Hi Doreen, please send my regards to Ryan and thanks a lot for your support over the years.

Creepy. He knows the kid's name

Q. You are the sexiest man alive on planet earth!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
Ha Ha thanks Madiha.
Ha ha, thanks! Madiha is quite the fan.

Q. Good luck and know that I am flying my SA flag high here in Qatar.
FROM CHANEL FLOYD, QATAR
Hi again Chanel...thanks for all your support from over there in Qatar. Hope you don't get into trouble flying another flag.

She will. The Flag Police are onto her.

Q. You are so witty and sweet especially answering all our questions. I'm rooting for you guys.
FROM HARINI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Words can't describe how you must be feeling after the trajedy at Lahore. The boys and I wish you, the team and the country all the best during this nightmare. All the best. Mark

If someone started spouting a spiel about how I'm living in a NIGHTMARE, I'd be terrified. Why does Mark keep making such terrible segues such to express his humanity?

Q. The broadcaster won't show us games so please use your bat to hit him he must be standing nearby.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
That's ridiculous...what's the problem with them? Wish I could help.

Funniest question ever, which explains why Mark had no idea how to reply to that. What's the problem with them?

Q. It's great watching you from Oz. Hope you get on top of this run chase.
FROM JADE HEEPS, AUSTRALIA
So do I!! Thanks for the support from Oz. How about sending us some pics so we can SEE who our Aussie fans are?

He asks for someone else to send photos also. This is getting quite creepy. Soon he'll be demanding young girls send him photos of themselves

Q. Ur always great to watch AB ain't bad either. What's your favourite food?
FROM KING KHAN, UK
Thanks mate. I love sushi.

Wasn't expecting that response...

Q. Just been on AB's site but I love your site more. Don't tell AB. Ha Ha
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA
OOPS.. too late.Hee Hee

Odette is weird as shit. Mark's "Hee Hee" is weirder.

Q. Have you ever taken drugs?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, ST LUCIA
No I think it is the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. Have never understood why people do it.

HI HERSCHELLE.

Q. What would you do if not cricket? Pls tell Dale he's cute..so are you.
FROM ZAINAB IRFAN, PAKISTAN
Well I'd like to think I could have been a golfer but who knows if I would have made it. Will pass the message onto Dale.

Will he really? That would be the most awkward conversation ever. "Hey Dale, Zainab from Pakistan says you're cute." "...Right."

Q. So glad you guys wrapped up the series. Being an Indian I support you coz ur so hard working!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
How's it Madiha, what's it like living in Saudi? Thanks for your support.

I dunno. Pretty much the same as living in any other part of the world.

Q. You are officially my favourite wickie now that Gilly is gone. Do you miss him?
FROM JEANAN YASSEN, AUSTRALIA
Gilly is a fantastic cricketer so yes I guess I miss the professional rivalry. He is a top bloke and he also sent me a message of congratulations when I got my record. I wish him all the best.

AHH, TOP BLOKE.

Q. Although I'm Australian well done for the wins. Why does everyone ask about AB love your replies.
FROM ANASTASIA THOMPSON, AUSTRALIA
Thanks God he's got his own website now so he can answer all the gals himself!!!

But half your traffic has now gone to AB's site, Mark.

Q. You questioned Sandy over what kind of smoking...do you have something to admit?
FROM SARAH DUNN, UK
No I was only kidding around Sarah. Being a professional sportsman I do NOT dabble in anything stupid like that.

HELLO AGAIN, HERSCHELLE.

Q. You and Jacques have almost ticked off all on your wish list.What does Ja mean?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Ja nearly. It means yes...south african style.

Cue Hawaiian music and a beach setting.

Q. I love SA! Does Vaughan Van Jaarsveld have his own website?
FROM ROSHANI JAY, AUSTRALIA
Glad you like SA it's a beautiful place to be. Not sure if he has one..don't think so.

I'm going to hound him with questions and messages for Vaughn so that he'll beg him to start his own website.

Q. Would you be my best man at my wedding to Graeme?
FROM SEALANI BALI, INDIA
For sure!!!

This is perfect by itself.

. Have you ever tried smoking?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, NEW ZEALAND
Hi Sandy, what type of smoking do you mean? Ha Ha. No I don't like smoking at all.

UNLIKE HERSCHELLE

Q. Are you married or do you have a girl friend?
FROM FRAN MORTON, SA
How's it Fran? No not married, this is a difficult life for anyone to endure so we will have to wait and see.

KP agrees with you entirely.

Q. Sorry to hear about your toe am sure AB will do a great job. Please give him my email address?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Thanks Emma. The good news is that AB has his own website now so you girls can ask him all these things yourself now. Cool or what.

First of all, Emma is hilarious. Secondly, cool or what!

Q. am so glad you won. 4get about AB tell Albie he rocks and you of course.
FROM FAY W, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fay. I will be delighted to tell Albie as I think he rocks too.

That's right, 4get about AB, this is the only good fan mail of the lot. I bet Mark didn't tell Albie anything, just like he didn't tell Dale he was cute.

Q. Can you ask the Morkels if they remember a sign that read Morkels=speed of light please?
FROM FLEUR MATHEWS, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fleur...like the wording...where's my sign?

I can make a better Morkel sign than that. "MORNE: DROPPED"

Q. My mum thinks you are good looking!
FROM YASMINE FINCHUM, AUSTRALIA
Well she's got good taste what can I say? Just kidding please tell your mum a big thank you.

Now Yasmin's dad is coming for Mark.

Q. Have you ever been a nuaghty boy and caught up in a tabloid scandal?
FROM DAVID BROWN, UK
Of course not David!!! So far so good.....

Has Mark ever been a "naughty boy"...

And now for the BEST PART of the site: The Gallery. Here's some of the best:

Mark and Andre Nel. Yeah. Weird.

I would never post this up on my own website.

If Jacques were closing in on my sister, I'd be worried.

Scarily enough, they almost look like a normal couple here. But we know the truth.

Christmas dinner. HI MORNE, WHERE'S ALBIE?

Albie's busy signing autographs with a special needs fan, Kyle.

(There's more photos of Kyle up on the site)

Mark follows team mates into the bathroom.

And gives AB a haircut with his "new found skills".

I've left the worst photo until last. The only worse person who could be in that bath is Jacques Kallis.

And that is Mark Boucher's site. In a few days or weeks time, you may find he has answered a question I sent in. I'll be very interested in seeing his response.

(Blogger's being a little mediocre and posting parts of this as a giant chunk. I'm working on fixing that.)

Concentration

That is what I want to see out there from Albie. Concentrate on being a winner, and win. The easy path to success.

Concentrate as hard as you're concentrating on writing your name.

At the moment, Herschelle Gibbs has miraculously managed to not get out. Not only that, but he and Smith combined to hit 14 runs off Brett Geeves' first over. That's what I call a confidence breaker for Australia. The Echidna will probably comfort him, good man.

As a side note relating to the photograph, I'm loving the strategic placement of the bucket of chicken. It's finger licking good.

...AND, as I write this, Smith's gone and gotten out on 8, leaving the team 28/1. Yeah, whatever. If South Africa has a mini collapse, I will support the Echidna's team. That's right. Any team that throws away wickets doesn't deserve to win, unless Albie is on the team. So now I'm contradicting myself. Great.

Deccan Chargers: The team everyone forgets

Don't deny it, you don't think much of them. In fact, everyone's too busy getting excited about the strong teams in the competition who stand a real chance of winning it. It's always Kevin this, Freddie that, Dhoni this, Shane that. Money, money, money. Must be funny in the rich man's world. While Dhoni fumes at being worth less than two other players, the Deccan chargers have practically dropped off everyone's radar.

So who are they?

Oh, right. The team with Adam Gilchrist, I remember now. And Andrew Symonds. VVS Laxman. RP Singh. Fidel Edwards. Chaminda Vaas. Those are pretty big names, so why not more success for the Chargers? The truth is... they're just a bit shit. Comparatively. Maybe it's Herschelle Gibbs' fault. I hear he's been helping the entire team get high in their hotel. Even Gilchrist.

Pity they were pegged as one of the favourites to win the first season of the IPL. Something went seriously wrong between that and the many matches they lost.

As a side note, you know who's not going to become a great cricket commentator on television? Adam. I've never seen more crazy eye movement during a short pitch report before.

Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.

Australia tour of South Africa, Match Fixtures

And you thought I was going to start talking about Hansie Cronje and Herschelle Gibbs. Ha! They come later.

Friday 27th March - 1st T20, New Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg
Sunday 29th March - 2nd T20, SuperSport Park, Centurion

Friday 3rd April - 1st ODI, Kingsmead, Durban
Sunday 5th April - 2nd ODI, SuperSport Park, Centurion
Thursday 9th April - 3rd ODI, Newlands, Cape Town
Monday 13th April - 4th ODI, St. George's Park, Port Elizabeth
Friday 17th April - 5th ODI, New Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg