You're killing me, Albie

Or rather, he's killing himself. What is this injury, this mysterious injury that is plaguing him? It's not so much plaguing him as keeping him firmly tucked away on the sidelines hanging out with the other sick kids of the team, namely Haydos and Badrinath. Not to mention Makhaya Ntini, who is being paid a heck of a lot to act as the team jester for the tournament. Even I could juggle for the Chennai Super Kings if that's all they want out of him, and I'd do it for free.

Anyway, Dhoni says Hayden and Albie will be back for the semis:

"Albie Morkel and Badrinath had niggles and they didn't needed to be rested. We could have played them. We played Badri because we thought our batting would weaken if he is not there. Hayden will be fine. The physio has said so. We could have pushed him to play this match but it is good to have him for the semifinals."

George Bailey, meanwhile, has played more games than anyone ever thought he would. Was that his third last night? He certainly looked happy. But then again, he always looks happy so that's not much to go on.

The top bloke took quite a smashing by the otherwise weak Chennai batting order. Not that it mattered, because their bowling somehow saved them. Strange, that.

I bet you're wondering who top-scored for Chennai. It was Parthiv Patel. Yeah.

Royal fuckups

You know what I'm talking about. It was good entertainment, well worth your nonexistent dollar to watch. Jadeja intent on running out as many team mates was the highlight of Rajasthan's innings.

But do I care? An emphatic no. Possibly an exclamation mark on the end of that too. It's all well and fine, KKR will probably win this one in a bizarre inversion of their playing performances. Even losing wickets early won't kill them chasing a total of 101.

Meanwhile, Albie's preparing to fuck up big time against a top bloke we all know. Good job, man. Keep it up. Why am I so bitter? Maybe because he's being a goddamn prick and refusing to play well when he needs to.

Doesn't mean he's not the flagship player of this blog. Players with faults are the best players made. I'm pretty sure I just butchered a colloquialism so much just then that you wouldn't be able to recognise its origins. There's a good indicator of my sanity, dears.

And for good measure, down with Agarkar! Someone chop off his ears.

Fights at the IPL

Preity Zinta was involved in a fist fight, no joke:

On Sunday, the Punjab Kings XI edged out the Deccan Chargers by one run at the Wanderers and then senior staff from the two teams enjoyed a fist-fight in the president's lounge, known as the Long Room. Security at the stadium were forced to dial the police after a nasty incident in which one of the team owners suffered a black eye and another senior team official was reprimanded for being blind-drunk and having his young son in tow.

Come to think of it, she did seem to be wearing an awful lot of concealer over her right eye when we chatted the other day. Because that's what me and Preity do, we chat all the time. We're best friends occasionally.

It would have been more interesting if the fight was between players, but this is still something. Who knew the rivalry could extend this far? And here I was, not taking the IPL teams all that seriously.

Holy shit

Holy fucking shit.

Irfan Pathan does it. The top bloke does it after a horror over from Mota.

11 needed off the over, Rohit Sharma at the crease. A wide. Two wickets.

And Irfan Pathan delivers, at times trying to steal the King Kong title from his brother.

Preity Zinta is going mad. And the top bloke does it.

Kings XI

To be honest, I thought Irfan Pathan was their last real chance to get them to 150 or thereabouts. Sure, Sangakkara's wicket was a big one, but Irfan and Brett Lee can do some hitting.

That's not to say they won't win or that 150 is the magic number, but it was a fairly good number. Kings XI don't really seem to be all that desperate to stay in the competition. I actually wanted them to win this one.

And how are Deccan up and about so soon after their last match?

I'm also freaked out about the blatant innuendo in an ad for drag racing on ONE. It basically goes along the lines of a woman in a sultry voice purring "This is the only time you'll be rewarded for finishing under 10 seconds" before she goes on to speak of "hulking metal" and other such supposedly titillating things. Lovely. It's even better than ONE going out of their way to promote netball as a contact sport ("Who says netball isn't a contact sport?" Cue footage of netballer being knocked over). Well, everybody, actually. Because netball isn't a contact sport and it's no use pretending it is just to rope in more viewers.

The Binga Mails

22/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.

24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.

27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.

30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.

30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?

31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.

1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.

2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.

2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.

3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo

4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo

5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.

6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye

7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.

7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.

8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.

9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.

10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.

11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?

12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.

12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.

13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha

13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.

13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.

13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.

13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?

14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.

One month later...

16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.

16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.

Rain rain go away?

It must be tough living in England. All that rain, all the time. Just raining non-stop, not even particularly heavy constantly, just... raining constantly.

So how must the English cricket team be feeling now? Rained in, I suppose. Oh ha ha, you say. Not a funny joke. I agree. But tell me, if the game has been delayed by an hour, will that cause a whole sequence of unnatural events to occur which end in the game being drawn and the West Indies counting their blessings?

That was just to scare prospective English fans. I just have a terrible habit of predicting the worst possible outcome early on in Tests.

But of course, a draw isn't the worst possible outcome of this match. The Windies could rally and bowl England out for... okay, I won't even go there. It's too horrifying for words, I imagine.

So I'm at a loss. Should I watch rain or do something productive with my time? I'm resigned to do the latter. You have no idea how much of the Budget I can cite off the top of my head, not to mention Turnbull's reply. The perils of work, my friends. It means you actually have to work, and no matter how much I love Kev, I think even I'm ready to rip Swanny's budget papers to bits. I narrowly escaped being locked in Parliament for a day, pouring over the Budget, but it still caught up to me in the end. It always does, this work.

Alright, I'm off, but I pledge to keep one eye on the cricket in Rainland.

By the way, Delhi over Punjab just because they can.

9.83

From Cricinfo:

9.83
Worst economy rate for a Punjab bowler, held by Sreesanth

The best day of my life.

What really hurts

Andrew Symonds hitting Irfan Pathan for consecutive boundaries, a 4 and a 6.

I love Roy (at times), but fuck I hate seeing monkeys bash top blokes.

And with that, I may retire to watch the games in peace, bottle in hand.

Actually, fuck that, CONSECUTIVE SIXES OFF SREESANTH. Hahahaha.

Pathan 0/42. I'm crying.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

--

Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.

What Makes Kings XI Special?

From their site:

I can't help but love the orange cap superimposed on Shaun Marsh's head, and the wannabe gangster Sreesanth. Not to mention Yuvi's "awesome skills".

Irfan Pathan, top bloke, has the very best fan policy of all:

I believe in being nice to the fans… win or lose. It is very important. These are small things… they don’t expect too much. Maybe an autograph or a photo… speak nicely to them and they are happy.

That's what we expect from top blokes.

And, if you're interested, a written piece from the one and only Ranadeb Bose. Aside from the misspelling of Brett Lee's name, he really does have good English. No wonder people considered the possibility that he could have been a certain someone from the outset.

Spotto

I have discovered a slew of Spottos which I have neglected to put up in the past, so expect a few in a row now.

Spotted: Top bloke absorbing some of bro King Kong's tendencies.

That wasn't after last night's match, of course.

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

D/L does it again

I watched the first half hour of this match, but then felt death sinking upon me and fell asleep. Shame, apparently dear Duckworth and Lewis have ensured their legacy remains for years to come.

But looking over the scorecard, I'm highly disturbed by Albie's economy rate of 12.00. What the fuck, was he trying to hand the match over to Punjab? DICKHEAD.

As usual, Raina has pulled through in both his batting and bowling. How I am liking his oddly shaped head more and more these days.

My only problem is that Sreesanth got Hayden's wicket when he could have gone on to beat AB's 105*. I saw some highlights, his ridiculous celebrations after the wicket are well deserving of a visit from Harbhajan. Someone send Bhaji around to Sreesanth's room. Thanks.

Chennai narrowly escape a loss and now head to the top of the table.

The new 1st and 2nd

How a night's cricket can change the way the rankings look. Rajasthan were unstoppable and now find themselves at second place on the charts, while Delhi apparently knowingly beat Kolkata by 6 wickets. Yeah, I'm glad I didn't watch that one. But Morne van Wyk did well for his rather pathetic team, collecting 74 runs. The silly kind ogre does it again for his team.

Anyway, that makes Delhi first. My arch nemesis didn't bat so I am spared for another day.

Meanwhile, our new 3rd is battling injuries in both Dhoni and Morkel. It's Dhoni's finger and Albie's retarded ankle which I mentioned some while ago. They think it'll all be fine for the next match. OR WILL IT?

Om nom nom, says the Cookie Monster. This is a very tasty competition. But this is coming from someone who eats just about anything which appears to be delicious, but on the inside is not quite so nice.

If you can figure out where that analogy is going, I'm sure we'll all be thankful for the explanation, myself included.

Rajasthan's Miracle

10 overs gone by, and still no fallen wicket. And further still, they're on 92 runs. WTF.

Graeme Smith is actually batting like he means it and Ojha is being mighty useful as well down the other end. What is going on?

You would be forgiven for thinking this is some sort of strange dream. But at least Rajasthan can take their weaknesses and somehow work on them well enough to produce this.

As for tonight's other match, what a joke. Delhi over Kolkata anyday, but I'd be willing to see Kolkata somehow win this one. Not just a joke, but a funny one.

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

Yuvraj takes the hard pill

No, not the pill that makes you go hard. It's the hard pill:

“We were in a winning position and we should have won the game comfortably. It’s unfortunate and it hurts but you have to take the hard pill."

You know what is unfortunate? Me missing Bangalore's win. Never mind, apparently Yuvraj had a hattrick. I'll probably end up watching it sometime today. But doesn't this mean Bangalore have now won two games in a row? This is a record winning streak for them.

In the meantime, this loss is a very hard pill to swallow for Yuvraj and his fellow Kings.

Bangalore in bits

Can't say much, planning to take off soon. But it seems Bangalore have primed themselves for another batting collapse.

Jesse Ryder is out for 2 off 5 balls. Pathan's wicket. I don't know who to cheer in this circumstance.

And Kumble is captain over Kallis. Thank god someone saw sense.

Hello Irfan

It was good to see him back, wasn't it? If Punjab were going to win, I'm glad it's him who won it for them.

Of course, Sangakkara did a lot with the bat, but Irfan Pathan was an all-round superstar. See what I did there.

Although, I cannot believe Punjab's bowlers were good enough to defend that pathetic total. Kudos to them. Irfan did the good stuff at the start.

"I'm the king of the world!"

The only thing he's missing is a Kate Winslet.

And I'm extremely pissed off that they're still showing racing instead of the IPL. The first match was broadcast when the second one had begun so NONE OF IT WAS LIVE. Fuckers.

And on the previous match, fat Jacques is out first ball. I laughed for a long time.

KP's face after he got out was priceless. You could tell he was furious with himself for being such an idiot. Which he was.