How wrong was I?

Very.

From a post a while back:

Then again, who else does Bangalore have now? Nobody, that's what. They're fucked, and I'm not saying that lightly. They are well and truly fucked, and nobody's going to save their asses after KP hops on his private jet for England and slides down giant mountains of cash in his new mansion with glee.

Bangalore went on the make the finals.

But then again, nobody predicted they'd make it this far.

The IPL is over

The Deccan Chargers have won.

You're now free to sleep as long as you like. I hope you understand how big a blessing this is.

Lalit Modi is planning two IPL tournaments a year. Could you handle it? There's no fucking way I could.

So the IPL is over and we go back to our normal routines. Except for the fact that there's a whole lot of cricket coming up real soon, so start gearing yourselves up for that.

In the meantime, a few suggestions as to what you could do with your time: Read a book, watch a movie, actually play cricket, write an in depth analysis of this year's IPL, walk the dog, kill the cat, call the Fake IPL Player a cowardly bastard with an attractive shadow, cure cancer, etc. The possibilities are endless.

So what are you doing sitting there thinking about the final? Go do something.

Mike Hussey's contribution to the tournament

Nothing.

Right. Well then...

Bangalore to win the final just because.

Comparing myself with Manish Pandey

When I was 19, I was busy skipping classes at uni. Clearly, he's not.

The end.

The better team won today. Bangalore batted well, fielded well, and bowled well. They also managed to do each of these better than Chennai, so they deserved that win in every way. I find myself okay with that, and if it's not heresy to say so, throughout the match I didn't quite mind BRC's onslaught against CSK bowlers.

As the commentators have reminded us about a hundred times, the No. 7 and No. 8 teams from last year will be meeting in the final this year. Just because I like some of their players more, I'm going Bangalore. But it would be good to see Deccan win the tournament this time.

If you're interested, Ryan Campbell and Corey Wingard are all over Pandey's name. Apparently it's "Pandy" as in "Mandy".

Semi-finals, being crap, and the number 146

What is that really? 146. What a pathetically shit score from a team that's supposed to have an excellent batting line-up, and who are going to give away 20 runs or so later in the game through misfields.

It just doesn't make sense. I suppose we should have known. From the moment those Mischief Gals were doing their circus troupe act during the pitch report, Chennai were doomed to make a relatively low or "okay" kind of score. Just on that point, Sunny Gavaskar made reference to the Mischief Gals' "curves". Dream on, mate.

Strangely enough, Parthiv Patel turned out to be the real menace today, like the little fucker he is. He was appointed the team maniac and I found myself smiling at his midget antics. Good going there.

So Chennai dropped off one by one, until Albie stepped out into the Bullring. And being such a sick bastard who only wants sons as children, he stopped Kumble during his run-up, and then promptly hit him for six the next ball. The last ball of the innings was also interesting. What do you reckon, was it a four or a six?

Some points of concern within the Bangalore team:

• Kumble looks absolutely ancient chasing balls to the boundary.
• Jacques Kallis really needs to shave off that tuft of hair in an otherwise bald spot. It's like some horrible head fungus. Although, you cannot even begin to imagine the thrill of seeing him be treated with disdain by batsmen.
• Praveen Kumar looked spastic after the Raina wicket. What was up with that and what medication has Ray Jennings got him on?

All very pertinent questions which I'm sure will be answered in the BRC innings, in which CSK bowlers will have to step up or they're well and truly fucked.

By the way, caught sight of Mike Hussey on the sidelines. So stupid.

Mike Hussey returns to the IPL, for real this time

All those times I lied about him coming back, I was just fucking with you bastards. This time it's real and it's serious: Mike Hussey is back in the tournament for its conclusion. I don't know why at all. It's a bit of an idiotic thing to do. Maybe he senses his end is near or something, smelling death. If that's true, it'd be disappointing he gave up so quickly, because why would you back out of the tournament only to return for the [possible] last match?

Doesn't matter. Chennai will win today. I think. Bangalore aren't that great, they just have a lot of saffas, who Albie will hopefully dropkick out of the stadium. Hopefully, my dears. Hopefully.

Consolations

At least Albie bowled well.

4-0-13-2

If only he'd batted well, the fuckhead.

Hayden was right. They were five or so runs short. If only, if only. And suddenly now any of those lower teams can creep up on Chennai if everything goes well.

That's not a position they want to be in. They were up against Bangalore. That should have been a cakewalk, but no.

From the team diaries:

If one expected Dhoni to show his displeasure in the wake of this debacle, then the leader kept his counsel and his disappointment well concealed. Anyone in his shoes would have found it irresistible to go berserk. Building confidence is the key and the unit is well aware of the fact that the slip here has made the course a touch harder.

How exactly would Dhoni have gone berserk, then? Do tell. A rabies-like attack in which he writhed on the ground, foaming at the mouth? Or maybe he would have gone berserk with his bazooka. It really is quite irresistable to go berserk.

Don't disown Albie JUST LOVE HIM

I don't want to, but WTF. Can I bring myself to watch on with this delayed broadcast knowing he gets out for a measly 9.

Not just that but apparently Oram is gone too, and now Balaji. Chennai clearly want to lose this match.

I can't even muster up indignation.

--

Changed the title of the post to suit the new mood of the game. Go Albie, taking wickets like that. Especially Kallis'. When he wasn't actually out. I love wrong LBW calls.

Why does he insist on bowling marginally better than he bats? What kind of messed up inversion is that?

I've never been so happy to see Dravid fall. And I don't even feel bad either.

ffffffffffffffffff

Jacques Kallis 2/15 or some such.

I am living my nightmare.

It's made worse by the fact the match is being delayed by almost an hour here and all I know is that fat Jacques is about to strike very soon.

Dhoni's fighting out there with Haydos.

I think Albie's coming in next. Excellent.

Predictions with the aid of a psychic

I've had a long chat to a phone psychic about the games going on today. I might have spent over $100 trying to find the answers, but now I have hard proof to back my statements.

First of all, lovely England. I didn't have much time because stupid Iris kept stalling for time, but she did get one prediction through:
Ian Bell c Gayle b Edwards 3

At that point, I actually spent about 5 minutes laughing, and Iris billed for me it too, that stupid bitch. The only other comment she made was:

Better Morkel hits 51* off 23 balls

That's more like it.

Blue Moon

Once you'd watched the first few overs of KKR batting, you'd have thought they were up to their usual tricks. You know, "sacrificing" their game for the good of the other teams, giving the other teams an easy win to help them on their way to the top. In fact, I was all too ready to pass a motion to have someone put KKR out of their misery.

I'd forgotten about Dave Hussey. He'd come back from the series against Pakistan and if there was one person who could literally change the course of the game it was him, no joke. And he did, looking quite pissed off when he got out. I would too.

Baz batted out the whole 20 overs. How's that for anchoring? He also seemed to be smiling an awful lot which can't be a good sign when someone like Brad Hodge mysteriously goes missing. Not that I'm complaining, but I wouldn't be surprised if Baz finally cracked and minced someone up for breakfast, namely Hodge.

Ishant Sharma has had an attack of the voodoo and has taped over the number and name on his shirt. What the fuck? Is there something I'm missing out on because that is weird as shit and also kind of creepy. It's as though he sat at his table manically taping over the number, rocking back and forth on his chair. Maybe his Adam's apple mutated and became an evil person of its own, or maybe it possessed Ishant. You never know with these Adam's apples.

And if I ever have to listen to Ramiz, Siva and Danny Morrison for ONE MORE MATCH, I will kill myself. It was enough to make me change the channel and watch an inane comedy about a call centre in Mumbai with Sanjeev Bhaskar of Kumars fame, which really wasn't that good but was certainly a welcome relief from Siva's slide antics and all the Danny Morrison fat jokes.

Jesse's Diary

The comments by Jesse's manager Aaron Klee:

"Let's be fair to Jesse - this is not a big issue. Jesse rang me and explained what happened several nights ago. He is disappointed that he drank after being off all alcohol for over 100 days."

And by his mentor Murray Deaker:

"Jesse's had over a hundred days of sobriety and has made enormous progress during that time, on and off the field."

Let the diary begin.

Day 1: Dear diary. Fuck.
Day 2: Didn't mean what I said yesterday. Going to stop drinking to save career.
Day 3: No drink today.
Day 4: Still no drink today.
Day 5: Tempted to drink to get beer goggles back. Can't.
Day 6: Zero drinks. Lots of Coke zero.
Day 7: Still no drink.
Day 8: Might be going to IPL.
Day 9: Going to play for Royal Challengers. Wonder what that means.
Day 10: Talked to owner of team. Fuck.
Day 11: Going good. No drink.
Day 12: Crossed off another box on calendar. No drink.
Day 13: Off to IPL. Won't drink on plane.
Day 14: Told air hostess to fuck off when she offered a drink.
Day 15: Need drink.
Day 16: Need drink.
Day 17: Drink. Fuck. Need.
Day 18: Told to focus on positives of staying sober.
Day 19:
Day 20:
Day 21:
Day 22:
Day 23: Positive of being sober: not smashing Dan's glasses everytime we go out.
Day 24: Kicked Lalit Modi in the nuts when he made a joke about putting your hand through glass.
Day 25: No drink for 25 days. No hot chicks either. Wonder where they went.
Day 26: Still no drink.
Day 50: Fucking diary.
Day 75: Made new friend from loser team. Likes to drink.
Day 85: Looked at wedding vows again. Once told my beer I'd never "touch her inappropriately again". Have to stick by promise in sickness and health.
Day 90: No drink. Lots of boxes crossed off on calendar.
Day 95: Mallya came round after win. With drinks.
Day 96: Taking blindfold with me everywhere.
Day 97: Crazy Morne poured a beer on my face. Tasted a drop. Not my fault.
Day 98: Trying not to remember that drop of beer.
Day 99:
Day 100:
Day 101: Hacking at legs with machete. Fucking legs couldn't get me out of there.
Day 102: All over news. I drank.
Day 103: Seeing God again. Must be a good sign.
Day 104: On the bright side, all the women are prettier now.

What are you talking about? Of course those dates match up. Of course they do.

Mumbai Indians

I don't really know what they're out to achieve with their string of losses and a score of 157 on the board. It's a good score and they can probably defend it against a team like Bangalore, but you never know these days. You just never know.

Funnily enough, I'm not actually watching the match. Hello delayed broadcast on ONE. Sigh. Don't care much, it's going to be pretty one-sided tonight. Delhi will climb to the top of the table with a match against Kolkata.

I wish Chennai played KKR more often.

Speak of the devil

While the complete destruction of Bangalore has taken place by the RR bowling attack, I was almost hoping BRC would win. Why, you ask? Because of Dravid, I answer. If you're going to leave your newborn kid at home and trot off to another country to play for a drunken tycoon (okay, for cash too) you'd think a little winning would be the perfect way to start things. But no, he's out for a duck.

Then it's up to Boucher, ROFL or Mr. Smooth to step up. The first fails, but ROFL hit a boundary off Morne (HAHAHA, watch Albie bowl better later tonight) and then gritted his teeth together and made weird facial expressions as he excitedly looked for another gap in which to hit the ball to.

The variations of how all the player's say Morne's name is hilarious. But even better is the commentators talking about him after he took the Kohli catch or some other batsman:

"Speak of the devil."

Now if you were a rational person, that would make sense. But if you're A GOD-FEARING, JESUS-LOVING GOOD HOLY CHRISTIAN then the moment you hear that sentence your life is changed forever. Out come the crucifixes and holy water. Out comes AB's favourite book.

Really, if I were going to pick a devil in the Rajasthan team, I'd say Munaf Patel. Occasionally, you see flashes of his alter ego poking through and his eyes are replaced by fiery balls of hell. It is quite hard to pick up if you're not trained in the art of identifying devils like I am.

I'm also a ninja in my spare time, but I have dabbled in Ghostbusting.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

Strange Happenings

Mumbai lose to Bangalore.

I believe Michael Jackson put it best when he said, 'What the fuck?'

Not to credit them with too much, but I believe Bangalore are now officially on a winning streak.

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

Yuvraj takes the hard pill

No, not the pill that makes you go hard. It's the hard pill:

“We were in a winning position and we should have won the game comfortably. It’s unfortunate and it hurts but you have to take the hard pill."

You know what is unfortunate? Me missing Bangalore's win. Never mind, apparently Yuvraj had a hattrick. I'll probably end up watching it sometime today. But doesn't this mean Bangalore have now won two games in a row? This is a record winning streak for them.

In the meantime, this loss is a very hard pill to swallow for Yuvraj and his fellow Kings.

Jacques Kallis and the White Mischief Gals

Get ready to puke.

From our favourite Mischief Gal's blog.

KP is honestly half-woman there.

Jacques Kallis is disturbing beyond belief. Will you look at that expression? If I had to meet him, I'd kill myself.

Bangalore in bits

Can't say much, planning to take off soon. But it seems Bangalore have primed themselves for another batting collapse.

Jesse Ryder is out for 2 off 5 balls. Pathan's wicket. I don't know who to cheer in this circumstance.

And Kumble is captain over Kallis. Thank god someone saw sense.