The Gilchrist Offensive

Pretty good, don't you reckon?

Okay, not just pretty good, but pretty fucking good. Just as the papers and headlines were talking about Shoaib's genital warts yesterday, it's Gilly all the way today. It was a great effort in the end which knocked the top dogs out of the competition.

I still don't like the look of him in that uniform. It highlights his more creepy qualities, and I couldn't for the live of me tell you what they are. It's intangible, the creepiness that blue uniform instils in Gilchrist.

According to Cricinfo, Gilly's opening partner Gibbs has gotten out for the most ducks this tournament, that being 4. I actually thought the honour would belong to a BRC player but they didn't give their openers enough games to do so. But maybe there should be an enquiry into Gibbs after the ridiculous KKR one involving Hodge being left out of the game. The fact that DC still succeeded despite Gibbs' duck just gives the idea more credibility. He was never good at fixing the game anyway.

Deccan Chargers finished up the match in the 18th over. In a semifinal. That's just really fucked up on some level, and I'm sure Delhi realise it. What's more, I'm sure AB realises it. No glory for him.

To mourn the loss of Delhi, if you're a fan of theirs, the infamous Page 2 has an interview with Dirk, which mostly seems to be about how much his kid wants to go to the beach. But there's some real gems in there:

"If I am not good enough to be in the top 30 Australian cricketers, I will eat my hat."

I can't think of another cricketer who would say that, and there should be more that do. But I'll eat my hat to that too.

You know the best compliment I got in this IPL? It came from AB [de Villiers]. He said, you have a beautiful family, fantastic kids and a wonderful wife. What more can I ask for?

And you also have God, Dirk. You also have God.

Royal fuckups

You know what I'm talking about. It was good entertainment, well worth your nonexistent dollar to watch. Jadeja intent on running out as many team mates was the highlight of Rajasthan's innings.

But do I care? An emphatic no. Possibly an exclamation mark on the end of that too. It's all well and fine, KKR will probably win this one in a bizarre inversion of their playing performances. Even losing wickets early won't kill them chasing a total of 101.

Meanwhile, Albie's preparing to fuck up big time against a top bloke we all know. Good job, man. Keep it up. Why am I so bitter? Maybe because he's being a goddamn prick and refusing to play well when he needs to.

Doesn't mean he's not the flagship player of this blog. Players with faults are the best players made. I'm pretty sure I just butchered a colloquialism so much just then that you wouldn't be able to recognise its origins. There's a good indicator of my sanity, dears.

And for good measure, down with Agarkar! Someone chop off his ears.

The horrors of Chennai's bowling

Can mean that Kolkata win a match which CSK really should have won. I wasn't watching the game obviously, but WHAT THE FUCK WENT ON, I ask?

Now they have to win a match against Punjab when Yuvraj has been getting hat-tricks all over the place. Yeah, good luck with that. If you can't beat the coughing, spluttering shittiest guns of the competition, I'm just waiting for CSK to choke against Kings XI too.

Goddammit.

Someone went for 13 an over, the second highest of his side. Someone is in deep shit because he should know how to fucking bowl by now. I put all my faith behind this someone and back them more than any other player and they FAIL TO DELIVER.

I'm off. England won against the Windies. Big surprise there, not like we haven't been expecting it since day 3.

Feeling Sorry For KKR?

Can I bring myself to do it? Can I actually feel sorry for them after that last match?

After Rohit Sharma?

Can anyone?

DNR

Kolkata Knight Riders. Just when you thought they had a chance, they fucked it up.

It’s official now. Someone high up in their ranks has issued the order. Next time their collective heart fails, do not resuscitate. Under any circumstances.

Finally, we can rest in peace knowing those pour souls are being taken care of and put out of their stinking misery. It’s a comforting thought in an otherwise cruel world.

Blue Moon

Once you'd watched the first few overs of KKR batting, you'd have thought they were up to their usual tricks. You know, "sacrificing" their game for the good of the other teams, giving the other teams an easy win to help them on their way to the top. In fact, I was all too ready to pass a motion to have someone put KKR out of their misery.

I'd forgotten about Dave Hussey. He'd come back from the series against Pakistan and if there was one person who could literally change the course of the game it was him, no joke. And he did, looking quite pissed off when he got out. I would too.

Baz batted out the whole 20 overs. How's that for anchoring? He also seemed to be smiling an awful lot which can't be a good sign when someone like Brad Hodge mysteriously goes missing. Not that I'm complaining, but I wouldn't be surprised if Baz finally cracked and minced someone up for breakfast, namely Hodge.

Ishant Sharma has had an attack of the voodoo and has taped over the number and name on his shirt. What the fuck? Is there something I'm missing out on because that is weird as shit and also kind of creepy. It's as though he sat at his table manically taping over the number, rocking back and forth on his chair. Maybe his Adam's apple mutated and became an evil person of its own, or maybe it possessed Ishant. You never know with these Adam's apples.

And if I ever have to listen to Ramiz, Siva and Danny Morrison for ONE MORE MATCH, I will kill myself. It was enough to make me change the channel and watch an inane comedy about a call centre in Mumbai with Sanjeev Bhaskar of Kumars fame, which really wasn't that good but was certainly a welcome relief from Siva's slide antics and all the Danny Morrison fat jokes.

67.75

From Cricinfo:

67.75
de Villiers' batting average - the best in the tournament so far

Enough said. AB leads yet another run chase and Delhi get home with time to spare. The Delhi innings is actually being broadcast on television right now in Australia, and I watched a bit, saw AB being a bitch as usual and then abandoned it.

How I wish Kolkata had beaten Delhi and I'd been able to gloat. Anyway, that takes Delhi to the top of the table as well.

Mumbai Indians

I don't really know what they're out to achieve with their string of losses and a score of 157 on the board. It's a good score and they can probably defend it against a team like Bangalore, but you never know these days. You just never know.

Funnily enough, I'm not actually watching the match. Hello delayed broadcast on ONE. Sigh. Don't care much, it's going to be pretty one-sided tonight. Delhi will climb to the top of the table with a match against Kolkata.

I wish Chennai played KKR more often.

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

Sickness Affects All

Even England, even the West Indies. On the one hand, they actually did a hell of a job to get 7 wickets on the first day, but on the other hand, hello dropped catches.

Amusing. Ravi Bopara is the only one avoiding all this sickness. His century is what did it for England. Looks like that No. 3 spot isn't going to be going to any of the oldies anytime soon. I'm really liking Bopara as well, but I suppose that's more so because of his maiden test century in Barbados.

John Buchanan also has the sickness. It's spreading fast. He wants Gilly or Warnie heading the T20 World Cup team. For fuck's sake, leave them be. They're retired and I think they're pretty damn okay with that. In any case, I don't know why he's offering his own advice anyway, considering how big a failure he has made of the Knight Riders.

But unfortunately, the most sick person of all is me. In the past 24 hours, I seem to have come down with the mother of all colds, leading me to believe it is perhaps the flu. And not the swine flu, although I wouldn't be surprised this is some sort of karmic payback for making that swine flu joke last night when I sneezed.

So if I'm mysteriously absent or just plain crazy, fear not. I'm just in my own personal hell. My eyes are welling up with tears right now, but not because I'm sad. Instead it's the darn sickness making my eyes water like crazy. Or maybe it's Graham Onions hiding in my house.

The new 1st and 2nd

How a night's cricket can change the way the rankings look. Rajasthan were unstoppable and now find themselves at second place on the charts, while Delhi apparently knowingly beat Kolkata by 6 wickets. Yeah, I'm glad I didn't watch that one. But Morne van Wyk did well for his rather pathetic team, collecting 74 runs. The silly kind ogre does it again for his team.

Anyway, that makes Delhi first. My arch nemesis didn't bat so I am spared for another day.

Meanwhile, our new 3rd is battling injuries in both Dhoni and Morkel. It's Dhoni's finger and Albie's retarded ankle which I mentioned some while ago. They think it'll all be fine for the next match. OR WILL IT?

Om nom nom, says the Cookie Monster. This is a very tasty competition. But this is coming from someone who eats just about anything which appears to be delicious, but on the inside is not quite so nice.

If you can figure out where that analogy is going, I'm sure we'll all be thankful for the explanation, myself included.

Rajasthan's Miracle

10 overs gone by, and still no fallen wicket. And further still, they're on 92 runs. WTF.

Graeme Smith is actually batting like he means it and Ojha is being mighty useful as well down the other end. What is going on?

You would be forgiven for thinking this is some sort of strange dream. But at least Rajasthan can take their weaknesses and somehow work on them well enough to produce this.

As for tonight's other match, what a joke. Delhi over Kolkata anyday, but I'd be willing to see Kolkata somehow win this one. Not just a joke, but a funny one.

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

How to lose a match

Kolkata Knight Riders:

1/1 - Ganguly out first ball. Idiot. Bet he can't get on his high horse in front of McCullum now.

Hodge comes it all hodgily. If that's a word.

The 4th ODI between Australia and Pakistan is on right now. I'm not watching. Gayle is also an idiot.

--

Anyway, so Mumbai win by 9 runs. There ya go.

When Harbhajan is promoted up the order

You know the world is coming to an end.

I mean, seriously, who lets Harbhajan think that he's their first choice for being promoted up the order to save the team after the loss of a wicket? And after the loss of ONE wicket? I didn't think anyone would want to boost his ego anymore than it currently is.

Luckily, he gets out for 6.

Even Agarkar manages a wicket. And Tendulkar's wicket too. Maybe SRK leaving had something to do with it.

Go Duminy.

Is there anybody out there taking Graham Napier's record seriously?

How is Mumbai struggling against Kolkata? WTF.

Mumbai did well to get past 130. All thanks to Duminy, of course.

And apparently it's 148 Mumbai get to. Nice. Kolkata will collapse in the face of even that score.

Way to go, Baz

Out first ball to KP. That's how you do it.

When Kevin Pietersen opens the bowling, you don't give him a wicket. It's the dishonourable thing to do. Brendon McCullum thought otherwise.

Maybe Bangalore will scrape a win in today. If ROFL's half the dangerous bowler he was against Australia, Kolkata might fall. But then again, Australia have proven themselves to be terrible at playing spin, and ROFL may turn out to be the most ordinary bowler yet. I don't think so, but it remains to be seen.

Ah, and now Brad Hodge goes. Kumble's spin proves too much for our compatriots.

Kolkata vs. Bangalore

The question is not who will win, the question is how much more of a laughing stock Bangalore will make of themselves.

I will be watching with bated breath, especially as we're finally getting a match live.

Washed out by Deccan Chargers

Here we go, the second match of the day was abandoned due to rain. Thank god, because I actually wouldn't have been able to watch it. Channel ONE decided to show us the Chinese Grand Prix between the two matches. Fuckers. I had things to do and places to be so I eventually sacrificed the game for a bit of sleep.

But Mumbai vs. Deccan Chargers. Throughout the game, the commentators kept talking about how great the Deccan innings was, but I never felt it to be honest. They seemed to get a boundary every few balls and a hell of a lot dot balls in between. It was a choppy innings and when they initiated their collapse I was still a little bored by the match.

Mumbai came on and for the first 10 overs, looked right on track. RP Singh took the wicket of Jayasuriya and decided to show us his hairy chest which I wasn't particularly a fan of. Deccan were looking worse for wear but the strategic time out did it, and they won by 12 runs.

Malinga the Slinger was looking good, as was JP Duminy, but in the end, the West Indians won the day. Fidel Edwards and Dwayne Smith were priceless in the win against Mumbai.

So while the commentators were chatting about Sartre and other equally cricket-related things, I noticed a few interesting things on the field:

Gilly looks terrible in the blue uniform. It just makes him look creepy. Of course, his wasn't the worse uniform of the night. The Mumbai cheerleaders won that category. WTF were they wearing? They looked like they'd decorated cossies with tinsel.

The Deccan Chargers' fielding coach Mike Young makes Anzac Day sound like a joke.

Quote of the day:
"This is his day today. Before he left, someone put their hand on his head and said 'This is your day'." -Indian commentator on Herschelle Gibbs. I couldn't pick who the commentator was, but it was a funny quote.

Ad of the day:
Brad McEwan and ONE Technology on the Nintendo DSi:
Brad: *into recorder* I love Sports Tonight.
Harvey Norman dude: You do. I love watching it.

And then Brad goes all suggestive on us and says: "Well, there you go. The Nintendo DSi. Plenty of fun in a small package."

Cheers, Brad.

Who Plays Who

Deccan vs. Mumbai
Chennai vs. Kolkata

Will we see more Gilly theatrics? I hope so. They'll be up against the best bowling attack in the tournament, so their relatively small top and middle order will have to get some real work in against Mumbai.

Will we see a weaker Chennai? That's an interesting question. Theoretically, Chennai should be a weaker side in their lacklustre bowling department with the absence of Freddie, but as we all know, he hasn't exactly been doing them any favours with his bowling. Last match we saw Balaji come out with the best figures. I don't think that will be happening again, to be honest. I'm inclined to think Chennai will play Oram tonight. He was unimpressive in the first match, but then again, it was only one match. He's sat out the rest and maybe it's time he played.

Chennai's batting is looking alright. If Dhoni's keeping again, hopefully they'll take Parthiv Patel off. He isn't exactly the best choice for the powerplay in those first 6 overs, especially when he isn't of use as a wicketkeeper. It doesn't make sense to keep him on.

Haydos is looking good, and is currently the leading run scorer in the tournament. I wonder if after the last match, when he was given his orange cap in the innings break, the IPL organisers had wrestled it off Dravid.

Dhoni also needs to get going today, as does Albie, and whoever comes in at 6. Raina will also need to put on a decent performance. I am nervous for Albie. He needs to put on a big score today to convince everyone he's up and going. And he won't have Freddie to comfort him after the game if they have another devastating loss.

Kolkata... well, we'll see. They could well be a threat, but if Chennai perform to their potential, it shouldn't be too difficult to silence them. Look out for Mendis if he plays. Chennai's reliance on foreign players means they will be the most vulnerable to Mendis' crafty bowling, having not played him before.

Fake IPL Player shits on everyone again

His last few posts have been pretty boring, but it's hard not to admire this guy's tenacity. He's up and running again after a short break.

I guess the Fake IPL Player hasn't been caught.

The reliability of yesterday's source has been questioned, just so you all know. That's only become apparent quite a while after.

No fear, because now it could be anyone again. Seeing as most of the focus has gone off his posts and onto his identity, this is the real story. He said it himself; he's only gong to post things that every other player knows, to preserve his identity.

I like it. So on with the fakeness.