Bracken Rates Albie

Any validation is welcome after the not-so-illustrious IPL. If you opened up your non-tabloid morning paper, you'd find an article in which Nathan Bracken attempts to retain some of his supposed notoriety as one of the best limited overs bowlers in the world.

It's all irrelevant, except for the part where he accidently lets slip just how afraid he is of Albie Morkel:

"Guys like Jacob Oram [New Zealand] and Albie Morkel [South Africa] have their shots. So it is important not to make a mistake, not to miss the mark."

Now, you might not be able to interpret that there, but being the kind individual that I am, I will helpfully translate that for you:

"There's that pussy Jacob Oram who doesn't want to play Tests. If my country wanted me to, I sure would. That doesn't mean they don't want me to. Of course they do. Hilditch is at my door every day begging me to be on the Test team but I say no because I have other commitments. To be honest, there's only one batsman I really fear. Not fear, of course, but there's always that trepidation associated with bowling to him. Him being Albie Morkel. I pee my pants when I see he's on strike, he's really fucking terrifying. He once hit me over my head and over the sightscreen, into the stands and down some stairs... sometimes I have nightmares about it."

There's nothing like an accurate translation by Amy S. to enlighten you to the ways of Nathan Bracken.

He also makes reference to Australia losing a T20 against Zimbabwe, something Cricket Australia had tried to shoo under the carpet:

"No one should be considered an easy team; we've lost to Zimbabwe in T20 before."

Indeed you have. That was pretty fucking funny, come to think of it.

He likes to think he's the man. Unfortunately, he hasn't looked in a mirror yet.

You can keep McDonald

Now that the Delhi Daredevils have qualified for the Champions League, there's a bit of the old tug o' war going on as the relevant IPL franchises are likely to contract their international players at the snap of their fingers (after compensating the player's original team, of course). And with Delhi fielding quite a few influential Aussie players, things are looking slightly more bleak for domestic teams or whatnot.

The most headline-worthy story in the last day has been the likelihood that the Speedblitzing David Warner will be secured by Delhi, leaving a spot open in the Blues' side. And so NSW will consider making an offer to Otago for good old Brendon McCullum, or Baz, as you hip young folks like to call him.

That just opens up a whole new lot of problems.

But if we get back to the roots of this, being the automatic "ownership" of international players by their IPL franchise should it qualify for the tournament, it's not just David Warner the Australians should be worried about. Dirk Nannes will likely be drafted in by Delhi, and I do wonder whether he'll be able to conjure up regret at having to play against the Bushrangers seeing as the Aussies don't seem all that keen to have him in their ranks.

Dirk is the other big fish apart from Warner, but there's also Nathan Bracken, Cameron White, and... dare I say it? Andrew McDonald. While I don't think Bracken or White will be called upon all too soon, I'm even less convinced Delhi will be parting with their money to secure McDonald. As suggested by the title of this post, I'm sure they'd be all too willing to let Victoria keep McDonald.

"...You can have him."

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

Albie is out

Johnson bowled him.

The bastard.

This warrants its own post. I wish I hadn't told AB to give Albie the strike.

Now AB's on the way to 100, having gotten rid of the only player on the team who deserved glory. It was his plan all along. I should have known.

Hey Boucher, now that Albie's gone, how about you run AB out?

Too bad, the Echidna's on it, and AB's out. Fuck yes. That's how you take a catch. That's whose catch you take.

Hello Duminy. Feeling excited? Beat the crap out of Mitch. Just do something insane for once. Reveal emotions.

Am imagining a smug AB consoling Albie over his shit score. "It's okay, Albie, it's only 21 times smaller than mine." Cunning bastard.

Someone get out. This is boring. Oh wait, forget it, Boucher hit a six. Duminy's turn.

Haha, Johnson dropped Duminy on Bracken's ball. Bracken glared at him through his hair - nobody ever dropped anyone from Johnson's bowling.

Did anyone else notice Kallis had more runs than Albie? This is like the Twilight Zone.

Duminy and Boucher go seriously insane. I like it. 15 runs off Johnson's over. Apparently God does exist. I'm off to tell AB. (btw, Albie orchestrated this, payback for Johnson)

DUMINY IS OUT ON THE LAST BALL. That's hilarious. I bet he planned that, just to rub the insignificance of a wicket in the Aussies' faces. At least Mike Hussey took the catch. And strangely enough, Harwood has 2 wickets.

Stellar knock by Duminy. 40 off 25 balls. If you double that, he would have practically matched AB in 50 balls. Dodgy stats, but whatever. Anything to undermine AB's efforts.

South Africa 317/6. Australia stand no chance. There, I said it. Bring on some last ditch desperate attempts to salvage the match.

The most satisfying feeling in the world

Nathan Bracken:
7 overs, 0/41, economy of 5.85. Most expensive bowler in the team.

That is the way it should be. Until he cuts off his hair, every batsman should punish him, no exceptions. Even Harwood's got a wicket and he's old and getting worse by the year. Fittingly, Bracken has dropped down to 5th in the ODI rankings. Chew on that, Nathan. Or chew on your hair with acid-strength saliva.

In other news, AB's strike rate has dropped down to below 100 once more, thank god, and South Africa bring up their 150. Gibbs is still playing, surprisingly, having not swung madly at every ball that's come his way and lobbed it to a fielder. Hopefully, AB and Gibbs get out so the real player/s can come in and do the work.

Kallis had a better strike rate than Smith. That's just weird.

--

Gibbs will attempt to hit a six to bring up his ton, and hit it straight to Ferguson.

WHAT THE FUCK AB, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

The Echidna dropped AB. I am mortified for him. After the match AB will approach him and tell him Jesus doesn't care whether you drop a catch, he just loves your inner soul. Fuck that shit, Ferguson. YOU DROPPED AB.

HAHAHAHA, ALBIE'S PROMOTED UP THE ORDER. GET THE BAND GOING PLEASE.

Batting powerplay. I give you permission to go nuts, Albie. So does the Queen. Our prayers are with you, so let the bat do all the talking and along with hitting a half century, run out my arch nemesis AB de Villiers.

GIVE ALBIE THE GODDAMN STRIKE, AB. Show off.

First ODI in Durban

I won't say much. Australia won by 141 runs, after posting a score of 286, which SA met with getting all out on 145. After I tuned out, Michael had a ripper of a night, gettig his mojo back, ad hitting the 83 runs that saved Australia. Australia's bowling attack was also pretty darn good, and Nathan Hauritz returned career-best figures of 4/29.

The South Africans were poor. Their bowling outweighed their batting, though, but Albie wasn't doing them any favours. He ended up going for 6.37 runs per over. Not as bad as Ntini's 7.44 but Morne picked up 2 wickets at 6.10. Look who's trying to upstage their big brother. Well, granted, Morne's the specialist bowler, and thank god Albie identifies himself as a batting allrounder.

In the South African camp, Graeme Smith scored 52, trying to put SA back into the game, but the rest of the batting line-up crumbled. Maybe they thought that Albie might be able to salvage it for them (I doubt they ever thought this, though) but when he came in, SA were out of the match and there was nothing anyone could do. Boucher was still too excited from his award that he got out on a duck.

Well, on the bright side, Albie did participate in 2 run-outs:

I like it when you get people out, not get out yourself.

But Morne was the one getting wickets... Luckily, James Hopes is coming to get him.

"Fuck, I'm going to kill you."

The revelation of the night, however, was Nathan Bracken:

"Haha, tricked you, fools! You thought I was a man."

Hello there again

An absence of 3 days means I miss 3 match results. Goddamn it.

• Safrica won in the second T20 match. I'm not smirking, I swear. Albie made 14 off 10 balls and was not out at the end of the innings, also picking up Warner Bunny's wicket. And he took a catch. And then there was Roelof van der Merve, or ROFL, however you wish to put it, won Man of the Match, making 48 off 30 balls. It means he's in the ODI squad for the first two matches. That was slightly easy, I'm thinking. Morne's quivering in his boots right now because of the increased competition. It's not even important to mention Australia's performance, making 139 in the 20 overs, and not the 156 required. Nathan Bracken went for 44 runs, taking one wicket. I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. It's just funny.
• England wins the ODI. Thanks, Ducky. Although, they actually performed well, so credit goes to the team. Particularly me, says Strauss. And yes, particularly him. Brilliant knock.
• India draws the Napier test with NZ. Thought so. They only lose 3 wickets in the 2nd innings and held out for a draw.

Meanwhile, I have been chatting to the likes of Julia Gillard and Princess Anne. Got to make myself feel better about missing these matches.