I can't hear you

I was going to post properly, but I'm afraid that's just not on today. Work, etc.

But for those of you who were unfortunate enough to see die AB receiving the MoM award in the India match, I have good news. It didn't actually happen. It was all a FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

I'm telling the truth because someone has to. And I'd never lie to you about something regarding die AB, would I? No, I didn't think so. There was a big mix-up, they actually meant A[l]B[ie] is the man of the match. Pretty good stuff for 8 runs and a shit over in the bowling, but I think we can safely say he deserved it more than anyone else did.

And New Zealand, oh New Zealand. You should have lost that one, but I didn't want you to. I really didn't.

Australia are pretending the tournament didn't happen and they're just focusing on the Ashes.

Apologies for the short post, but I am on twitter for exactly this reason. I'm not dead, just terribly busy and believe me, I'd prefer that I weren't but such is life. As it turns out, I offer amazing insights on twitter that NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER KNOW. Yes. Really.

England losing and other interesting stuff

About time, really. It's not like they were going to get much further in the tournament. It was already rather shocking they'd gotten this far. There isn't really much to say that others haven't said, except HAHAHAHAHA. Tossers.

In other news, New Zealand are afraid and I am afraid for them. The West Indies are through to the semis. Ireland have lost, just as they would. And India are blaming the IPL for their "fatigue", revealing the true purpose of the IPL, i.e. to provide a handy excuse for losing matches in the few months following it.

But more importantly, Albie Morkel is blogging (thanks to Boncam for the link). The sly devil can't help talking about his wicket maiden for an unhealthy period of time. It's okay, nobody minds. Why? Because he is too fucking awesome for you, mate. He also puts in some Aussie slang in a subtle acknowledgement that he reads my blog:

Also, he (ROFL) has a serious ‘bulldog’ factor. In Australia they say a sportsman like him has ‘mongrel’ in him.

Go you. Amongst other things, he details how he goes for a run through Hyde Park at night, baying at the full moon, to put that "country" mind at ease. Country? More like werewolf, Albie.

The warm-up week was a great success, the practise facilities have been excellent and the hotel is a very popular spot with the boys being right in the centre of London but also next to Hyde Park so the ‘country’ boys amongst us don’t feel too cramped!

Good stuff. Albie has also injured Jacques Kallis, in a show of brotherly affection, in order to get Morne a game:

But if there is an injury, he is raring to go.

The things he does for Morne.

In Die AB Watch, he's been going to the movies with some team mates to watch 'The Hangover'. Except I think he was too shocked by the sex jokes that he resorted to quoting the introduction of a newspaper review of the movie:

A few of the guys went to play golf after the journey yesterday, but I joined the group that went to watch a film called ‘The Hangover’, a fun comedy set in Las Vegas about three groomsmen who lose their soon-to-be married friend and then try to find him again.

Either that, or he's being sponsored by Warner Bros.

What I am going to do today

Today I am going to set aside a good five minutes to laugh at India.

I will then laugh at Dhoni for an extra special reserved period of time.

Then I will bake a cake, for reasons to be explained later in this post.

Next, I will watch Jacques Kallis get out for a duck, followed by another duck from die AB.

After this, I will watch Albie Morkel hit the ball out of the fucking park and pillage the same Windies that beat the '07 champions.

As I am doing this, I will cry tears of joy and blow out the candles on the cake, all 28 of them. I will say "ya did well, kid" to the television as Albie goes on to make a half century.

Then I will watch New Zealand destroy Pakistan.

All in a day's work.

Dhoni denies rift rumours, entire team in tow

On Friday, the entire Indian World T20 team turned up to a news conference and squash themselves onto the podium in order to deliver a one minute statement regarding the "unity" of the team.

The video is here. It is highly amusing. You can't help but feel that even the team members know just how ridiculous they look standing up there. Dhoni appears to be trying not to laugh before he begins a short statement denying rumours of a rift between him and Sehwag.

I wonder just how much attention this supposed rift has been receiving in India for the team to actually come out and deny it. And for management to cart everyone into a news conference specifically for this purpose.

"This is not a tennis ball. These things will crack skulls."

I am amused. Last I heard sometime in 07/08, there was going to be a Bollywood movie released with some Aussie cricketers playing a cameo role in it, namely Brett Lee.

But I had no idea the movie had been released when I stumbled across this trailer for the movie. It's so great I have no words for it:



That's alright but even better than it is this excerpt (?) from the movie. I don't really know where it fits in, but it appears to be a song from the movie in which the captains of pretty much every cricketing nation of the world talk about just how great the main character of the film (a young Indian cricketer) is and how they just can't find a way to break his defences. Tony Greig also gets a few words in:



It's just really bloody hilarious.

AB tries to be more like Sehwag

The cunning bastard. So much for his game plan being to give himself 20 balls to get into the game before firing, as he so honestly told me, apparently he wants to steal some of Sehwag's success with his "Watch ball, hit ball" campaign.

In a recent interview, AB does a 180 and pretends he never had that game plan he has often talked about. Instead, he's paraphrasing Sehwag's genius:

What is the gameplan?
It's not difficult. See the ball and hit it.

Last I checked, "see the ball and hit it" is a lot like "watch ball, hit ball". Just look at AB go. The little devil.

Next thing you know, AB's going to be saying he visualises songs when he's at the crease, just like good old Sehwag.

I'm onto AB.

Warm-up matches and other irrelevant stuff

South Africa beat Pakistan.
Australia beat Bangladesh.
New Zealand beat India (hahahaha, yay)
And Ireland beat the Netherlands in a Super Over.

That's Super stuff. Apparently Dirk was the best Dutch bowler there. Well, yeah.

New Zealand continue their Twenty20 reign over India. I do like the Black Caps. I wouldn't mind if they won the tournament either.

But I will tell you something about the South Africa match. AB is run out for 2, in comes Albie and hello 32 RUNS. Hahahaha. Off 14 balls as well. But then again, it was against Pakistan. Don't give a shit. Albie is going to beat everyone to the ground this tournament. I can tell.

Dhoni and his freakish counterpart

Yesterday I posted about Dhoni's newfound insanity and of the suspect picture which raised a few concerns:

But Prabu has found a connection between Dhoni and an actor in a Tamil movie. I do believe he said it was a Vikram in the movie Kasi. Now, while I have no idea what is going on in the following video, I do know that the comparison with Dhoni in the photo above is possible the best thing that has happened to cricket. It is hilarious beyond belief, and I might have laughed myself to tears:

Really just... far too good. Far too good.

How Dhoni Went Bonkers

That's not a word I like to say often, but I do believe I have a rather compelling case to prove my point. Ahead of the World T20, it's not the best thing to have a crazy captain, but unfortuately India will have to make do with what they've got. And now the evidence to that effect:

Exhibit A: MSD on LSD

If he isn't a lunatic who's just escaped from an asylum, Tendulkar isn't a better batsman than Ricky Ponting.

Exhibit B: MSD talks gibberish

"Being defending champions doesn't put any additional pressure on us. It's just an add-on pressure that we can handle."

What's that? It's not additional pressure, it's just add-on pressure. Did Dhoni mistake his thesaurus for a book of antonyms?

This is all ahead of India leaving for England to join the T20 party. I fear for them, I really do. Whatever will they do with a deranged captain like that?

Sachin of old

A timely reminder of what his hair used to look like, just because I'm a generally kind person like that:

People might just mind my saying so, but that hair can only belong to a crazed porn star or a C-list actor of the '70s.

Indians Respecting Roy

You've got to admire the man for making an effort in a show of solidarity, but is it possible that perhaps Gilly might have taken his praise too far? After saying he'd have Andrew Symonds in his Ashes squad, as would any mildly sane person I imagine, Gilly goes on to make his point a little farfetched:

"You saw a glimpse of that last year when he only played four games - the respect he had from the Indian players and international players alike. He became an instant favourite in the squad."

Because Symonds just commands respect, especially from Indian cricketers. Good one.

Roy and his biggest fan.

How the Black Caps will make the semis... again

After their semifinal loss in the 2007 ICC World T20, New Zealand might just sneak through again, in a piece of news certain to similarly put a smile on the faces of Sri Lankans, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis all over the world.

If all these teams beat their opponents in the initial two matches during the qualifying round, they'll find themselves placed in two oddly imbalanced groups for the super eights stage of the tournament. It's hilarious, it really is.

Group A: South Africa, Australia, India, England
Group B: Bangladesh, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, New Zealand

That is, of course, assuming all these teams beat any unseeded teams in the qualifying round. However, should this be the result, the semifinals of the competition will be most amusing to watch.

Based on those groupings, Sri Lanka has an excellent chance of making the semis, and perhaps New Zealand could steal the other spot. Pakistan will be the main competition anyway. But if you glance at Group A, there's sure to be a power struggle between India, Australia and South Africa, all very capable and strong teams.

This is one reason to look forward to the tournament. Imagine the possibilities of the final four. It's too good to be true. Almost a farce, really.

How likeable are Australia?

Yes, I was wondering exactly that when I stumbled across an article in The Times which analyses Australia's weaknesses going into the Ashes. It's a good enough read if only to see how the English are willing themselves quite desperately to believe they have a firm upper hand going into the series, when neither side really does. Of course, as usual, the part that interests me is statistics relating to the likeability of Australian cricketers - their "approval rating" as deemed by parents:

During their camp, the Australians will be told that market research commissioned by Cricket Australia revealed that 81% of the Australian public think the team are good role models for children. This is a vast improvement on a rating of about 20% shortly after the scandal at Sydney but still means one in five Australians disapproves of them. They have never inspired affection.

So it's not just likeability, it's how great of a role model each cricketer is. I'm not surprised at the stat for the India series in 2007-08, because that was pretty shocking at the time. Maybe Peter Roebuck filled in all those votes because he sure as hell had it in for the Aussies back then.

From a purely superficial point of view, the cricketers probably are good role models for children. They do the right things, take part in the right charities, hang out with kids for special events to help them out with their cricketing skills. Kids don't tend to see beyond that initial layer.

As it turns out, we do quite like Glenn McGrath but he's not on the team. His home town is apparently sticking a giant pigeon statue in a park or town square or something in honour of him. Kind of creepy, but it could have been worse if it had been a statue of him.

But the best role model of all is Ricky Ponting, who not only plays cricket with kids at empty stadiums, but encourages them to take their vitamins, simply by association. Marvellous.



Parents all over Australia smile as they down a bottle of vitamins, telling their kids that one day they'll grow up to eat vitamins like mummy and daddy and Ricky Ponting.

Inane Cricket News

T20 cricket is going to the Asian Games. Really. Truly. Sometime this year, I don't really care when the games are on. Pakistan, India, SL and Bangaldesh have promised to send the best possible teams available.

If you've seen B-grade movies, it's time for B-grade cricket in an Olympics-like arena.

And the second piece of cricket news, apparently Shilpa Shetty is going to appear in a Bollywood film with some of the Rajasthan Royals guys. Yeah. Warnie's been approached, but they're also trying to score Graeme Smith, Yusuf Pathan, Morne Morkel and some others. Oh the limited roles they could play. Especially Morne, I'm sure this is his chance to out himself as a serial killer.

I do apologise for calling that cricket news. It just seemed too ridiculous not to mention.

Indian Government Swears Off SMS

Betting and gambling are already illegal, why not SMS games? I've never seen a government which fits the definition of 'prude' better than these fellows do, barring a few extreme exceptions.

India's Sports Minister Manohar Singh Gill is a far cry from our own. Kate Ellis bets all over the place, including making bets with the Brits involving one in which she said she'd wear their team colours and cheer their team on if Australia lost to Great Britain on the Olympics medal tally. Bitch. We lost that one, but at least we're not claiming New Zealand as a part of our country when we feel like it and then cracking jokes about them the next. The whole notion of "Great Britain" in the Olympics is laughable.

Oh, what was I saying? Gambling and betting.

“I am concerned about the latest venture of encouraging viewers to make ball-by-ball predictions of runs scored for economic gain in the shape of cash prizes.

“This is viewed as encouraging gambling and betting, to which official bodies do not resort, even in countries where betting is legal — all this to make money and enlarge the TV viewership base.”

Yeah, I laughed. But what is perhaps better is that at the launch of the SMS contest, the texting god Shane Warne himself spoke on how great this new game was. If I were him, I'd be constantly suspicious that these people were just shitting me. Everyone time anyone mentioned texting, I'd glare at them suspiciously to see if they were cracking a joke about me.

But not Warnie. He's as tough as nails. You'd have to be if you were to fuck it up with your wife a second time by accidently sending her a text meant for someone else. It's almost too good to be true.

If you're interested, Lalit Modi had the best possible Lalitastic response to the complaints made by the Sports Minister:

“It’s a valid point. But the margin of something like that [a correct prediction] happening is one in a million."

Basically "guys, nobody's going to win anyway, this is just me fucking with their money. HAHAHAHA."

Spotto

From the dark recesses of Q's Gay Cricketers File Folder, Spotted: Something to scare the shit out of your future children.

Spotto

Spotted: More making up. What is going on?

Sehwag: Watch ball, hit ball

Sehwag is a genius. Note the following exchange:

Colly: 'What's going on technically in your mind when the bowler's running in? Are you saying, I've got to get this right?'

Sehwag: 'No, no, no, watch ball, hit ball.'

Best method ever?

You may say yes, but in order to be able to focus so intently and simply "watch ball, hit ball" you need to have an uncluttered mind. Here is where the real genius kicks in. Apparently Sehwag sings songs to himself:

"I want my mind to be absolutely free while facing up to a bowler. I try to hum songs, Sai Baba bhajans and Kishore Kumar songs, especially those pictured on Amitabh Bachchan till the bowler is about to deliver.

I then tell myself: watch it. I try to sing songs as perfectly as possible in order to keep my mind completely uncluttered."

I bet he didn't tell Colly that.

Watch man, hit man.

I'd be really interested in knowing exactly what kind of songs those are.

Pakistan protest World Cup

You know, not being allowed to host its share of 14 matches for the 2011 World Cup, etc. They've lodged an appeal with the ICC about it. But it's a far more level-headed protest than you'd think, even if the result will obviously be the same. Pakistan just wanted the ICC to wait 6 months before coming to a decision about this.

They've even decided to pick out faults in each of the other hosts countries regarding security fears:

"India shifted their cricket league to South Africa over security fears.
"We could not tour Bangladesh because there were security fears in March.
"The situation in Sri Lanka was not good either, so from the PCB chairman Ijaz Butt (to) our director general Javed Miandad, everyone has said that ICC must reconsider the decision."

I'm not sure how any of that weighs up next to a direct terrorist attack on cricketers, but okay.

It's also necessary to point out that part of the reason for the IPL's shift to SA was because people were wary about touring the subcontinent following the Lahore attacks. It's a bit rich to use this in your defence.

I understand that last year's Mumbai terror attacks and a general sense of unrest is also to blame for the IPL's shift, not to mention the lack of security for the IPL due to general elections, but the attacks on Sri Lankan players in Pakistan were part of it.

Needless to say, I doubt the ICC is going to reverse their decision. I'm not sure that's what Pakistan even want. What is the goal behind lodging an appeal? That the ICC say "Alright, we'll wait 6 months" and end up cancelling it anyway? It's a bit hazy.

English players can't celebrate

It's true. Watch them after a wicket is taken and you'll see the most disjointed celebrations ever. One or two players dart over to bowler, have a mini-celebration, next player ambles over for a cocktail party with bowler before moving away, in comes another player to ruffle the bowler's hair.

It's all a shambles, really. Everyone knows that the celebrations following a wicket should resemble some sort of giant on-field orgy. Every other team does it, all the women's teams do it, but somehow it's a concept the English men's national side hasn't grasped. The ideal celebrations involve not being able to see the bowler at all in the midst of a huddle. England, however, have been known to be spread across half the ground in clusters of twos or threes, while the bowler chats away to one player.

Shameful, really. So in order to rectify this dire situation, I offer the English team a few handy pointers on what celebrations should really look like:

If the Aussies can stand being that close to a ranga, what's wrong with England and Colly?

South Africa have been coached by AB on how to get in nice and tight.

India can stand the smell of sweat.

Even Pakistan have been known to do it.

The nice cousin at the party Sri Lanka is capable of it.

The Blackcaps do it.

And for fuck's sake, even Bangladesh and Zimbabwe do it:

That's just not on. England can barely manage to stay together for half a minute. Players eventually break off and hang around at the fringes of the rest of the group, not even bothering to look involved. Why is this? Is it knowing that much of your team isn't even REALLY ENGLISH? If you'll notice with KP, he always comes in to congratulate the bowler pretty soon after the wicket is taken and then meanders about not quite knowing what to do. Andrew Strauss has managed to convince everyone he's really English and not evil at heart. Birthplace matters. At least, to the English team it does.

Half of them look like they couldn't care less.

This is strange because I have noticed that the English women's team is probably the best women's team when it comes to celebrations on the field. They're consistent and enthusiastic:

In the words of Sick Boy, it's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.

Bangladesh have it.

All walks of life. England had it, lost it.

But perhaps the best illustration of this pertinent point is a video of Freddie's recent hat-trick. Aside from his ridiculous poses and general aura of being a prick (doesn't make him any less awesome, however, just a little stupider), Freddie induces perhaps the most lacklustre response from his team as a whole following the monumental feat (particularly so for him). Don't tell me the response isn't unenthusiastic, because it is. Half the players are chatting about the weather, by the looks of it: