Albie Morkel is Noddy

I mentioned it in another post that Albie looked a lot like Noddy in a particular photo. Well, just look at him, Boncam has gone ahead and MADE ALBIE INTO NODDY. It is shocking, I know. Your brain may implode at the injustice, but you must bear it because this is art we're talking about here. Real fucking art:

Does he not look like the freakiest overgrown child ever? Kind of like die AB in real life.

Luke Wright the hobbit, ROFL the elf

And ROFL is an elf. An evil elf, to be precise, as detailed in this previous post of mine.

Now you have the backstory, Boncam has been getting creative photoshopping his countryman into an elf costume, and turning Luke Wright into a hobbit. It is evil, not just because ROFL is really just evil, but also because Wright himself is around the 1.8m mark and therefore not a hobbit.

But Boncam persists, and even though he did a very South African thing of ignoring height, it is still a rather awesome result. If I hadn't told you, you would be none the wiser as to the cunning brain that went into this:

See what he did there.

And then there's ROFL, the evil elf I can't help but love in all his angry spinning glory and shut-eyed swinging at balls. Cricket balls, that is.

Nice elf.

By the way, this post in no way warrants a dozen Anonymous people commenting with a "do Graeme Smith up as a tranny" type comment. It's not on, friends. This is a post about Luke Wright and ROFL, not Graeme Smith.

The Blackcaps aren't as crazy as this

Or are they?

Flashback: Mitchell Johnson

Seeing as asking you guys to guess his age was not the brightest idea I've ever come up with, here's another funny photo of Mitch from his teen years, only this time I'll be supplying the date.

This is Mitch when he was named Sportsman of the Year at Pimlico State High School in 1998. Oh yeah:

Hahahahahahahaha. Dear me, isn't that a sight to see? He must be so glad he grew out of that look.

The Face Of A Very Competent Captain

"Hmmm," says Ricky as his team prepares for training. "Lovely day to play cricket, is it. Nestled safely on my head as always, my VB cap is. Going to win this tournament, we are. Yes, hmmm."

"Yoda, I am."

Stuart Broad tells the best joke ever heard to mankind

It's true, he does. In an interview with the Guardian, Stuart Broad gets his funny on. Take this hilarious joke for instance:

What's the name of the fastest cake?
Too late, it's scone.

Did you laugh? I did. I spent a good ten minutes laughing at the one. Good one, Broady! He's a riot, that boy.

He also likes bananas and has a rather creepy banana fetish, the details of which I won't go into. It is too disturbing.

Broad still has some genius left in him. He tries claiming he has hit puberty, but nobody believes him of course. Then comes the biggest shock. Not only is he physically doomed to be trapped in the body of a 9 year old, but he is also on a similar mental platform as a 9 year old:

What is the best sledge ever aimed at you?
I can never really explain what is going on when I'm getting sledged. So, I end up just nodding and smiling, which seems to annoy them more.

Jesus, no use trying to sledge the boy, it'll just go completely over the top of his head. To be honest, sometimes you can sympathise with him. Dale Steyn, who is not very well known for his sledging abilities, has had a crack at sending some comments down Broad's way. Here is the result, as dictated by Stuart:

Do you play dumb or does it come naturally? I think.... I mean, Dale Steyn just called me Baywatch for the whole series when we played against them [South Africa]. I didn't really know what he meant, it certainly wasn't for my strapping figure.

Hahahahaha, and with that, my friends, I leave you, although not to do anything particularly interesting. Canberra is a pretty boring place at night, I'm afraid. I know the locals like its... smallness, but damn, I wouldn't want to live here my whole life. It's good for occasional visits. Fingers crossed I don't have to start living here.

Now go watch some cricket.

Mitchell Johnson drowns under a shitload of balls

Cricket balls, that is.

Nobody heard his cries for help until it was too late.

The quicksand (or quickballs, in this instance) consumed him whole.

"This is not a tennis ball. These things will crack skulls."

I am amused. Last I heard sometime in 07/08, there was going to be a Bollywood movie released with some Aussie cricketers playing a cameo role in it, namely Brett Lee.

But I had no idea the movie had been released when I stumbled across this trailer for the movie. It's so great I have no words for it:



That's alright but even better than it is this excerpt (?) from the movie. I don't really know where it fits in, but it appears to be a song from the movie in which the captains of pretty much every cricketing nation of the world talk about just how great the main character of the film (a young Indian cricketer) is and how they just can't find a way to break his defences. Tony Greig also gets a few words in:



It's just really bloody hilarious.

KP tries to kill a 15 year old kid

I think it's safe to say I'm not the only person who laughed when they read this.

I feel sorry for the kid, of course, but that's just classic. And note KP leaving the kid a signed bat as some sort of compensation. Amusing beyond belief.

Psychoanalysis of Alastair Cook's Head

This is, of course, a very thoughtful post based entirely in science. And of course, this is not actually psychoanalysis. That would be something else entirely. Instead, I will be discussing the left brain right brain features of Alastair Cook's HEAD. A science in its own right. Almost.

Before we begin, will someone tell Cook to stop it. He's making me cry:


Now that we're done with that horror, I'd like to say that's all you're going to see of Alastair's head, but unfortunately, that is not the case. This post is all about his head.

There is a theory amongst psychologists that the human face displays more than one emotion at a time. If you cut their face in half and reflect each half onto itself to make two separate images of the face, apparently you can see the left brain emotions and facial expressions of the person being studied, and of course, the right brain facial expressions in the other image.

Basically, I'm just going to chop a face in half and make mirror images of each half. No psychobabble bullshit for me.

So seeing as Cook's face is so wonderfully asymmetrical in that above photo, and so very creepy, why not try it out on his face?

Face 1: Right side of Cook's face (controlled by the left brain)

Looks normal enough, even better than the actual Alastair Cook. But then again, this is the left brain, which is supposed to be the more logical, rational side of the brain. It's supposed to be more reserved, not like the crazy as fuck right brain which is all about creativity and strong feelings. If you're scared, you sure as hell should be. If you're not scared, you sure as hell should be. Because:

Face 2: Left side of Cook's face (controlled by right brain)

Yes. "Fuck" is right. "Fuck" accompanied by a long scream is the right response to have.

Excuse me, but I may be traumatised for life.

The hilarity of ROFL

Boncam sends in yet another funny ROFL-related thing, this time a photo:

Just look at the guy in the background. Top ROFL stuff there.

"ROFL makes me ROFL," says Boncam.

Yes. Yes he does.

Russell Kane on ECB cliches

You folks never give me a chance to read your comments before I head out for the day. Never fear, because Russell Kane is here to liven up everyone's day. This is a segment taken from an SBS show 'The Squiz', which is basically a sports quiz. And in this clip, funny man Kane is made to give a speech by the ECB explaining why England have had 7 captains in 2 years or something.

It's pretty shoddy quality video, I can't believe it's even uploaded, but the cliches he's supposed to work into his speech are a laugh:

Dhoni and his freakish counterpart

Yesterday I posted about Dhoni's newfound insanity and of the suspect picture which raised a few concerns:

But Prabu has found a connection between Dhoni and an actor in a Tamil movie. I do believe he said it was a Vikram in the movie Kasi. Now, while I have no idea what is going on in the following video, I do know that the comparison with Dhoni in the photo above is possible the best thing that has happened to cricket. It is hilarious beyond belief, and I might have laughed myself to tears:

Really just... far too good. Far too good.

The Abuse Of Damien Fleming

Let me tell you straight, I don't particularly like Tom Gleisner. He might have been responsible for one of the best Australian television shows ever, but he isn't all that funny himself. So after the genius that was Damien Fleming talking Synchrotron on Thank God You're Here a while back, it appears that his influence (or even anyone else's, but I'm gonna pick on Gleisner) on the show has resulted in even more spoof ads being created, each fronted by Fleming.

The only problem is, the exact same script as the first ad is used, with a few tweaks to make it relevant to the product. After a while, it gets old fast. Still, here's Damien Fleming's mockery of Aussie cricketers and their apparent ability to sell just about anything:



And Fleming on a sewerage treatment plant, funny if only to see him holding suspicious-looking material:



I do believe there's yet another for surgical tools, but by that stage, even Flemo's charms can't save the doomed project.

Ricky Talks Ashes Line-Ups

He's being a bit of a bitch to Australia's lesser bowlers, but Ricky's got a point and it seems to be the right one. The World T20 won't have any impact on who gets picked for the first Test in Cardiff. From the training camp in Queensland, he surfaced to bring us this news:

"I don't think you can really take much out of form in Twenty20 cricket when you're looking at Test matches. We've got two tour games to play before the first Test and I think, to tell the truth, that will be our best chance to get a look at the likelihood of some of those guys playing in the first Test match."

Brett Lee is a little disappointed after his stint in the IPL. He did, after all, think he was a shoo-in for frontline bowler during the first Test, or at least I said so. No doubt if it comes to it, the selectors will end up picking him over Hilfy because they're just like that, but whether he can upstage Johnson, Clark or Siddle is a little unclear at the moment.

Also from the same magical training camp on the Sunshine Coast (doesn't that just make it sound more like a holiday?), Michael Clarke tells us how Lara won't be distracting him during the tour:

"Having my partner on tour is definitely not a distraction."

Sure. If I weren't such a bitch, I'd post a gratuitous Lara Bingle shot here, but then again I am a bitch so I won't. Oh alright, maybe I'm not that big of a bitch:



At least it takes the piss out of the highly "outrageous" tourism ad that screened in the UK. So very outrageous it was for the tea-drinkers:



Indeed. Where the bloody hell are you?

Chk-Chk Boom

I'm sure I'll work out a cricketing connection to the subject of this post in due time. But for now, let me allow Clare Werbeloff's sensation to sweep my blog too:



Alright, here's the cricket connection: I think she watches cricket. Don't you?

"Chk-chk boom" is also making the rounds in parliament. Whodda thunk it?

Why Kevin is better than John Howard

A follow-up to my previous post:



Because Johnny can't bowl for shit.

I cannot possibly even begin to imagine how many times that footage has been replayed in various places. It's infamous beyond belief.

The Real McDonald

Oh yeah, that's right. From The Corridor, a most amusing and accurate take of our fine fellow. You know, the allrounder who's better than Andrew Symonds. Bob Willis from The Sun wields his photoshopping skills:


At some point, people will tire of that joke. Not yet.

Drilling Holes in Bats

GoodCricketWicket is onto a story that is possibly the funniest I've heard in a while.

A Lancashire captain bought 8 new bats while on a club cricket tour of Pakistan, and decided to have them shipped back to England. Sounds fine, except for the fact that an overzealous customs feared there might have been bombs inside those bats so decided the only thing to do was investigate by drilling holes into the bats.

It wasn't just the suspicious looking bats which may or may not have declared a jihad on the Queen while sitting in storage, but also some very terrifying pads sporting pictures of Osama bin Laden glued onto them. Off went customs, drilling holes into the pads too.

All the equipment was brand new.

"I bought the cricket bats in Lahore and each one cost me 8,000 rupees (£67). The total came to £475. The bats and pads arrived on April 15 and I was shocked to find they had holes drilled into the front of them."

Even better is the blaming that's going on:

"I rang Pakistan and they said UK authorities had made the holes. When I rang the UK office they said Pakistan had done it."

Evil bastards.

Reportedly a very hush-hush deal was made with the ECB, who expressed an interest in buying the bats and sending them off to Middlesex as part of a "surprise gift package for Phillip Hughes". Around the same time the transaction was made, a whole lot of wood putty went missing from a nearby hardware store.

Interesting. I wonder why.

Oops.

Oh, Kevin

No, not that one, the other one. When he's not eating his own earwax or jetting around the world with my money, I think I am in love with the man.

Really, truly. If you don't love Kev, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Kevin's stimulus packages have been quite stimulating, apparently. Retail sales growth over 2%. Take that, world. We beat you, thanks to our dear old desire to spend infinite amounts of money.

What does this have to do with cricket, you say? NOTHING.

In other news, I met John Safran today. Dreams do come true, people. I promised to shamelessly plug his shows and him. John Safran is better than Rove McManus, people. Far better. He even tried to get a fatwa placed on Rove on his show John Safran vs. God:



What's more, he endured beatings from Buddhist monks in Japan for YOUR viewing pleasure:



And soon, he will be bursting onto your screens in John Safran's Race Relations.

He even crucified himself (for real, I'm not making any of this shit up). AB would call the mockery of Jesus deplorable, but I call it rather ingenious:



The ICC is shitting their pants right now. They're being upstaged by a bloody Aussie with a ridiculous voice. But that's John for you.