England's Worst Nightmares Come True

Phil Hughes has been keeping notes on England's bowlers... and Andrew Strauss.

Already, national selectors are crying out in outrage, demanding Middlesex hire a hitman to get rid of Hughes before he gets to the WAG training camp and passes on this secret information to Ponting. The ECB had dispatched Andre Nel to do the dirty work for them, but he failed, having had an attack of the Gunther which rendered him unable to come within 5 metres of Phil Hughes without being repelled by a powerful magnetic force.

So it's up to Middlesex, or this little fellow will be spilling the beans in a highly competitive Ashes year. Because England's fears weren't irrational from the start, right? Clearly Middlesex were out to fuck up the national team's chances of beating Australia.

From SMH, in an article which slightly takes the piss out of the poms:

"I'll be talking to the boys about a few things that happened over there. The second championship game we played, I got to meet him [Strauss] a couple of days before the game, and then we got to bat together for nearly a whole day. We spent a fair bit of time together."

You see that? He'll be talking to the boys. Better get him in a "freak accident" on the banana farm before it's too late.

"Thing is, though, and no one has even mentioned it, I batted with him for so long, I got the chance to look at him, too."

The only question that remains is, when will Geoff Miller get on Middlesex's case about this if he hears about it? And will the Wing Commander come out with a few comments of his own relating to having observed Hughes for a lengthy period of time? Questions, questions, questions.

Also, be sure to catch the interview with Phil on Sunday Night. I saw the previews for it and it looks horrifying.

Altogether now

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Caught an early morning flight to Brisbane for work, yes BRISBANE. I've afraid to go out tonight in case the rednecks get me. But that's why this is just going to be a quick post in which I try encompass everything I am feeling at the very moment.

AB's 79 off 55. Why, world, why? You'd think God was spiting me or something, which I believe he is.

Bryce McGain thinks he's still in with a chance, over at SMH. Freddie thinks England have to be "fearless without being reckless" in order to win the Ashes. Which brings me to...

Phil Hughes. Ah, you'll hear that name often. His batting is so endearingly ugly I can't help but like him. His fifty-over critics have been silenced by a hard hit 119 from 112 balls for Middlesex. There is seriously something about Hughes which indicates to me he's got the necessary skills to take over the world. If I were him, I'd be planning it already.

The thing about Phil is that his batting is so incredibly unorthodox and he is so bloody short that nobody can find any appropriate way to describe him. Journalists and commentators have taken to calling his style "swashbuckling". I laugh in their faces.

That's all from me. I won't be on too much in the next few days either so don't cry if you fail to get your daily fix of Amy. I'll try talking cricket whenever I can.

English Winners

Never thought I'd put those two words next to each other, did you? But I have. Because winning by 10 wickets is a bloody good way to start things, even if a lot of that was caused by an incredibly mediocre performance by the West Indies.

Although I hear they were a little worried hearing they'd have to make 32 to win. Knowing their royal collapses, that was enough to put a little doubt into their minds.

I just really like Ravi Bopara. He certainly doesn't look like the other Number 3s they could have gone with, and he isn't quite so likely to forget which team he's on and guide the ball to the stumps either. Plus, he can bowl a bit and field well enough.

I'm pegging Bopara to be one of the main batsmen to stand up in the Ashes, and possibly KP or Strauss as the other. Pietersen seems a little more likely given his past performances.

I'm also revising my hopes for the outcome of this series. I want England to convincingly beat the Windies just so we can crush them irreparably in the Ashes series.

In other news, Phil Hughes has fallen for 195 against Surrey. Hahaha, England are fucked, come July.

"England. You're fucked."

Go midgets.

Drilling Holes in Bats

GoodCricketWicket is onto a story that is possibly the funniest I've heard in a while.

A Lancashire captain bought 8 new bats while on a club cricket tour of Pakistan, and decided to have them shipped back to England. Sounds fine, except for the fact that an overzealous customs feared there might have been bombs inside those bats so decided the only thing to do was investigate by drilling holes into the bats.

It wasn't just the suspicious looking bats which may or may not have declared a jihad on the Queen while sitting in storage, but also some very terrifying pads sporting pictures of Osama bin Laden glued onto them. Off went customs, drilling holes into the pads too.

All the equipment was brand new.

"I bought the cricket bats in Lahore and each one cost me 8,000 rupees (£67). The total came to £475. The bats and pads arrived on April 15 and I was shocked to find they had holes drilled into the front of them."

Even better is the blaming that's going on:

"I rang Pakistan and they said UK authorities had made the holes. When I rang the UK office they said Pakistan had done it."

Evil bastards.

Reportedly a very hush-hush deal was made with the ECB, who expressed an interest in buying the bats and sending them off to Middlesex as part of a "surprise gift package for Phillip Hughes". Around the same time the transaction was made, a whole lot of wood putty went missing from a nearby hardware store.

Interesting. I wonder why.

Oops.

Gunther the Kind Beast

I wish I had been watching the Middlesex vs. Surrey match, because the most perfect thing happened and I cannot even begin to imagine how great if would have been if I'd seen this with my own eyes.

While Phillip was waving around his bat, hitting all the bowlers for boundaries wherever they went, Andre Nel was having a little sentimental moment too:

Soon after completing his third hundred in only four championship innings, from 126 balls, Hughes stepped away to leg to flay André Nel through the covers for his nineteenth boundary. Then he twice pulled him for four, with quite remarkable power for one so slight. It was contemptuous batting and Nel's response was a high full toss that brought a protest from Hughes, and an apology from the former South Africa bowler.

Keep in mind, bowling a high full toss at Phil is a bit like bowling to a 10 year old. Sounds okay, right? But you've yet to see the worst of it:

At the end of the over, too, Nel approached Hughes and put an arm around his shoulder.

AHHHHHH. That is the only appropriate response to a horrifying event like this.

My only explanation is that the English have hired Gunther to assassinate Phil before the Ashes. I vote for an ex-army general to follow Phil around at all costs and protect him from the evil plans of our enemies.

Putting his arm around Phil is just the precursor to something much worse, Buffalo Bill-style.

"It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Yes it does, Precious.

Hughesy at it again

Another century, another day for Phil Hughes.

His 3rd ton out of 4 innings. WTF. This man will singlehandedly win us the Ashes, I tell you. Combine him with Mitchell Johnson and we don't even need the rest of the team.

I suppose he isn't even old enough to be called a "man". I mean, if I'm calling people like Sybrand and Napoleon little kids, surely Phil is a little kid too? But he's manned up far more than other wankers have so I suppose he deserves that title.

I hope Andrew Strauss is watching Phil on TV and feeling VERY SCARED. Because he is quite scary, especially some of his shots. He tries things even No. 11s wouldn't. Difference is, he pulls them off.

Phil Hughes' Aussie twang

Twang twang twang. Test Match Special's blog has got a piece on our very own Phil Hughes ahead of his first match for Middlesex. There's a video too, in which Hughes talks for a bit with his Aussie twang, and Andrew Strauss tries not to scream in horror at Hughes' chance to get a headstart in England ahead of the Ashes.

At least, that is what I like to think is going on in Strauss' mind. If I were him, I would be plotting ways to accidently injure young Phil. What's that? Strauss collides with Hughes while running between wickets. Oh no, his bat accidently embedded itself in Hughes' body and surgeons are currently working overtime to extract it from his intestines. Nobody can figure out why the bat was sharpened to a point.

What a shame.

The article's a good read. But my favourite part is where the usual journalistic descriptions of first impressions of an interviewee come into effect:

He looks exactly how you would imagine an average 20-year-old Australian from upstate New South Wales would do.

Oh, a bogan?

But no, it is something far more poetic:

Diamond earring twinkling from his right ear. Healthy covering of three-day stubble. An Aussie twang which would make Ricky Ponting sound upper class.

"An Aussie twang which would make Ricky Ponting sound upper class". Seeing as everyone sees fit to describe the accent as "twangy", perhaps we should just label people "twangs". Phil Hughes is a twang.

There's also a suggestion that Hughes could be the clone of Michael Clarke, which is well founded in some ways. But Shane Warne's not either of their dads so they can't exactly be from the same family.

Aussie twang.