"We were only joking"

"Can't you take a bit of a joke, everyone?" asks Collingwood at the press conference after the shock loss to the Netherlands.

"We were just having a laugh," Broad tells reporters. "Jimmy thought it'd be funny to give the Dutch fellows a win and take it from there."

"Graeme and Kevin were at home blowing up party balloons to celebrate the planned loss to the Netherlands," Colly continues. "Straussy was over too. They were watching the match on telly and having a bit of a laugh."

"That expression on my face?" Stuart is surprised. "Oh, at the end? Which one was it again?" The reporters oblige him.

"Oh, that," Broad says as he views the photograph. "Completely planned."

Beside him, Collingwood nods. "Completely planned. Bring on the Pakistani boys, I say."

England doing something very strange

I believe it's called winning. Sure, it's against the West Indies, but they're still winning.

What is the magic formula? Why this great form going into a rather important series?

I'm very interested. I think I might even like it if England were supremely confident ahead of the Ashes. But there's always the T20 thing between now and then to shake things up a little and perhaps disturb morale within the team.

It's even more strange because Stuart Broad recently came out with some comments about England needing to learn to fill Flintoff's shoes when he wasn't there, because he isn't a lot of the time. You wouldn't have thought a 9 year old could be so wise, but it's true. He talked some sense, people. He said what every blogger has been thinking, though not the ECB.

And so Andrew Strauss isn't going to be playing in the domestic T20 Cup either. He's really gearing up for the Ashes. Confidence in the English team is probably soaring.

I like it.

The Woes of Bopara

Out for 49, so close to that half century.

Not again, he says as he storms off the ground. This is getting pretty fucking ridiculous. He's missed two in a row and suddenly Mitchell Johnson's words are getting to him. Slowly, very gradually, over the next few weeks he begins doubting himself, doubting his abilities. That century in the Test? Long gone. It's all ODIs and failing in the 40s for Bopara now. As the days go by, he finds himself descending into a state of failure-induced insanity. He is the crazy fellow who sits in a corner of the room, rocking silently and muttering the number 49 to himself repeatedly.

Of course, there's a flip side to it all but it's a pretty big flip side, just as this is a pretty long way for Bopara to supposedly fall. And I'm not going to mention it because it's a little scary.

Next match, he says. Next match he'll get that 50. It's only the Windies they're playing anyway.

And his captain has gone ahead and beat him. Bopara cries himself to sleep at the very thought.

England's Worst Nightmares Come True

Phil Hughes has been keeping notes on England's bowlers... and Andrew Strauss.

Already, national selectors are crying out in outrage, demanding Middlesex hire a hitman to get rid of Hughes before he gets to the WAG training camp and passes on this secret information to Ponting. The ECB had dispatched Andre Nel to do the dirty work for them, but he failed, having had an attack of the Gunther which rendered him unable to come within 5 metres of Phil Hughes without being repelled by a powerful magnetic force.

So it's up to Middlesex, or this little fellow will be spilling the beans in a highly competitive Ashes year. Because England's fears weren't irrational from the start, right? Clearly Middlesex were out to fuck up the national team's chances of beating Australia.

From SMH, in an article which slightly takes the piss out of the poms:

"I'll be talking to the boys about a few things that happened over there. The second championship game we played, I got to meet him [Strauss] a couple of days before the game, and then we got to bat together for nearly a whole day. We spent a fair bit of time together."

You see that? He'll be talking to the boys. Better get him in a "freak accident" on the banana farm before it's too late.

"Thing is, though, and no one has even mentioned it, I batted with him for so long, I got the chance to look at him, too."

The only question that remains is, when will Geoff Miller get on Middlesex's case about this if he hears about it? And will the Wing Commander come out with a few comments of his own relating to having observed Hughes for a lengthy period of time? Questions, questions, questions.

Also, be sure to catch the interview with Phil on Sunday Night. I saw the previews for it and it looks horrifying.

Bitter Owais Shah Looks For Revenge

Mesmerising everyone with his rather large eyes, Owais Shah is out for revenge against the ECB. The place to start is defending his county's decision to take on Phil Hughes prior to the Ashes. For the unitiated, the best way to do this is to remove one of England's possible avenues for excuse if they happen to lose the Ashes series. Here's how you do it, Owais-style:

"I don't think you can say that because this one guy has come in and played with us for six or seven weeks, it's going to tip the Ashes in their favour or our favour. It runs deeper than that."

He continued, "In fact, you're only going to lose the series if your number 3 is an incompetent asshole, so we'd better hope England doesn't have one like that, eh?" Oh Shah, I know where you're going with this. It's alright, we understand. Ravi's not going into hiding either, he knows what a great person you are.

Meanwhile, it turns out Kevin Pietersen's Achilles' heel is in fact his Achilles tendon. Apparently he'd "disappointed" he won't get to play the Windies in the ODI series. Bullshit, he's the luckiest guy on the team and I think everyone knows it. Wouldn't Strauss just love to skip this pointless contest against a country they don't particularly rate, having now jumped their way to 5 in the ICC Test ratings.

On the other hand, England could very much want to play this series against WI. It's been a while since they've won anything for an extended period of time. Plus, it'll boost their career figures a little, particularly for the newer players. Wouldn't a 5-for do Tim Bresnan a whole lot of good ahead of his fight with Freddie for a place in England's side. Some fight that'll be.

"VOT?!"

Cultivating England's Hunger

It almost sounds disturbing, doesn't it? As if 'Eye of the Tiger' should be the soundtrack to this "cultivation" of England's hunger, accompanied by a montage of the Brit boys training for the biggest Test series of their lives.

What am I talking about? You will soon know. Andrew Strauss, having just won a ridiculous 2 Test series against the Windies 2-0, has this to say about his boys:

"If you look at the way the guys are practising at the moment, there's a real hunger to improve - and we need to cultivate that and make sure it grows and grows."

...and grows and grows and grows.

But the only truly creepy comment made was by Jimmy Anderson about England's 7 year old player. I am speaking of none other than Stuart Broad of course. Because not only does Jimmy acknowledge that Broad's biological age is actually 22 (I maintain it is in the single digits, however), but he also has a rather terrifying claim:

"[Broad] has a 30-year-old's head on his shoulders."

I hope I am not the only person who immediately visualised a bobblehead toy of Broad featuring an excessively large head as is the bobblehead way.

Of course he's hit puberty, idiots. That is in no way the face of a pre-pubescent boy.

Just kidding, we love each other

What, you couldn't possibly have thought there was a bit of bad blood between Gayle and Strauss, could you? No, in fact, it's all just dandy between the two, and they've had a good laugh about the whole incident over a cup of tea at Windsor Castle. What's more, Straussy has gifted Chris his life savings and they're due to be married in a court in Canada sometime this year. That's how rosy things are between the two men. So very... rosy.

Says Strauss:

"I have a very good relationship with Gayle, I've had no problems with him. Everyone is entitled to his opinion and to be honest he may have been right about my Twenty20 form."

Translation: "We're very good friends and I do quite love his quirky ways. In fact, I'd go so far as to say everything he suggested about me being shit at T20 is not only relevant, but entirely correct. LOL."

Now, while I may see the benefit in mutually agreeing to lay off each other, I don't see why Andrew is running around insulting himself.

Gayle is keen to return the favour, but he passes on the opportunity to make a dig at his own abilities:

"I respect Strauss, we are all big men and the comments are part of the game. I have never had any conflict with him."

See, Strauss, that's how you do it. You claim to be best friends with the enemy, and then you go forth and talk about just how "big" you are. Instead of, you know, calling yourself a shit T20 player.

Meanwhile, Gayle's "misunderstanding" claim has become a whole lot more clear:

"I don't see myself playing test cricket for a long time. That's all I meant. We play a lot of cricket, there are injuries and sometimes you have to listen to your body."

Right, because the spirit of Shaun Tait has possessed his body. Last I checked, Gayle wasn't exactly drowning under injuries like the old man he claims to be. But I know what you're thinking? Is he happy to be here? Let's find out:

"Yes I am happy to be here. I want to try and rebuild West Indies cricket, we have lots of young players and hopefully I can share my experience with them."

So for anyone who said he was kicking his fellow countrymen with his comments, he's NOT, OKAY? He wants to share his experience with them. His experience of hating Test cricket.

As for Strauss, I'm not sure if Strauss is making a subtle dig at Gayle, but it does have undertones of bitchiness:

"Gayle is always a dangerous player and, hopefully, he will be slightly distracted but I will just concentrate on my job which is to make sure that all 11 England players are fully committed to the team."

I'm inclined to think he is having a go at Gayle, but only because that's more interesting. And as we know, they just love each other now.

Sunshines, lollipops and rainbows... complete with creepy droid kids.

Gayle vs. Strauss heats up

On the pitch now. Andrew Strauss is gone for 26 off Gayle.

Ouch.

The Gayle-Strauss Wars

It all began with Chris Gayle saying he "would not be so sad" if Test cricket died out. He also said he can't "take on too many things" and that he'd be handing over the captaincy soon. Then things got lukewarm in the nasty department:

“I have liked Twenty20 since it came in. I like it. Who doesn’t? Maybe a couple of the Englishmen wouldn’t like to play Twenty20.”

First of all, excellent attempt to get a subtle dig in there. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TWENTY20 THE ENGLISH PLAY? DO YOU?

Andrew Strauss responded with a fairly innocuous:

"It's quite a personal situation for him because he only came back a couple of days before the first Test match and he's had some criticism for doing that. If I was a team-mate of his and I was walking out to play a Test match tomorrow you probably don't want to hear your captain saying that he doesn't value Test cricket very highly."

Gayle just seems quite tense about it all. In his first interview he also said:

"Maybe Andrew Strauss would be sad if Test cricket dies and Twenty20 comes in because there is no way he can make the change. So tough luck. It doesn't concern him. Tell him don't sleep with Chris on his mind, tell him get Chris off his mind."

Because Strauss just can't get Gayle out of his mind?

Chris Gayle has since come out and said he actually isn't going to resign and that we "misinterpreted". Yeah. Right.

"I just can't get you out of my head," Andrew sings, complete with a sultry wink.

BUT WAIT...

"Boy your loving is all I think about," continues Freddie, getting his Kylie on.

Why MPV will play the Ashes

Because Ricky Ponting thinks so.

Says Ricky:

"I've just got a bit of a feeling that they might want to get Vaughan back into the set-up and they might pick Harmison for when we get there."

Knowing the ECB, that might just happen. When predicting their next move, it's best not to go with the logical, strategic option and to instead revert to a "going with the old dogs" mentality.

"So I think their side might actually shape up closer to the side of 2005 or 2007 than we actually think it might."

Aside from the fact that sentence structure is just mad and he's not really making a point there at all if you read closely, Ricky thinks England might have an '05 looking side on their hands. At the same time, he thinks Australia's team is a "good team" and not a "great team". My god man, support your fucking countrymen. Where is the cockiness of old, I ask? You have evil gremlin midgets on your side now. Anything is possible.

But it is just all class to lump all of England's self-appointed chances in as "those guys we've played before":

"Otherwise their batting is fairly similar with Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, those guys."

What's more he calls Graham Onions "lively" twice in the same sentence, and actually acknowledges Bopara's century. We're making progress.

"Onions, he's a lively fellow... Mmm, tasty... Onions, he's a lively fellow."

LOL Saturday

Calling Phil Hughes the next Bradman and then going on to say he'll struggle against England's swing bowling. Or even any of England's bowlers.

You can't go past it.

I seem to have developed some irreversible faith in Hughes which ensures that he will outscore Andrew Strauss in the Ashes.

English Winners

Never thought I'd put those two words next to each other, did you? But I have. Because winning by 10 wickets is a bloody good way to start things, even if a lot of that was caused by an incredibly mediocre performance by the West Indies.

Although I hear they were a little worried hearing they'd have to make 32 to win. Knowing their royal collapses, that was enough to put a little doubt into their minds.

I just really like Ravi Bopara. He certainly doesn't look like the other Number 3s they could have gone with, and he isn't quite so likely to forget which team he's on and guide the ball to the stumps either. Plus, he can bowl a bit and field well enough.

I'm pegging Bopara to be one of the main batsmen to stand up in the Ashes, and possibly KP or Strauss as the other. Pietersen seems a little more likely given his past performances.

I'm also revising my hopes for the outcome of this series. I want England to convincingly beat the Windies just so we can crush them irreparably in the Ashes series.

In other news, Phil Hughes has fallen for 195 against Surrey. Hahaha, England are fucked, come July.

"England. You're fucked."

Go midgets.

Hughesy at it again

Another century, another day for Phil Hughes.

His 3rd ton out of 4 innings. WTF. This man will singlehandedly win us the Ashes, I tell you. Combine him with Mitchell Johnson and we don't even need the rest of the team.

I suppose he isn't even old enough to be called a "man". I mean, if I'm calling people like Sybrand and Napoleon little kids, surely Phil is a little kid too? But he's manned up far more than other wankers have so I suppose he deserves that title.

I hope Andrew Strauss is watching Phil on TV and feeling VERY SCARED. Because he is quite scary, especially some of his shots. He tries things even No. 11s wouldn't. Difference is, he pulls them off.

Having Freddie's Cake And Eating It

Nasser Hussain has done it again. The clock was ticking until he spoke out on Freddie's injury following playing in the IPL. And doesn't he say it well?

"Players just cannot have their cake and eat it. They cannot expect to reap the benefits of a lucrative central contract and then only be under the control of the ECB when it suits them."

Honestly. Someone needs to rewire his brain so he'll stop being such an idiot.

Imagine if Jacob Oram was in the English team. He'd never hear the end of it from pompous assholes (although Oram does need to hear something, the guy is just completely off Test cricket).

Giles Clark says it all:

"I think it is absolutely right that it is a decision for the player, what he wants to do. He has a limited period of time as a player."

Everyone knows the IPL is all about the money. Neither Freddie nor KP felt any particular affiliation to their respective teams. Freddie just grinned and charmed his teammates' pants off in order to disguise his poor performances.

I don't care if players do it for the money. If it were me in that situation, I sure as hell wouldn't let $1.55 million dollars run away from me because ex-captains would likely have a hissy fit about it. The English scrutinise and attempt to control their players far too much.

Andrew Strauss is particularly clear about it:

"It's not something you'd hold against a player. It's a tough decision to turn down that sort of money."

Bang on the money, really. Now if only Hussain could shut his trap.

I know there's the case to be made that Freddie should have known he's injury-prone and therefore not subjected himself to the IPL in addition to the multitude of tournaments and series in the next few months, but if we step back for a minute and look at it from a purely self-interested perspective, who can blame him?

"Whoo! I'm Andrew Flintoff. I can do no wrong."

Phil Hughes' Aussie twang

Twang twang twang. Test Match Special's blog has got a piece on our very own Phil Hughes ahead of his first match for Middlesex. There's a video too, in which Hughes talks for a bit with his Aussie twang, and Andrew Strauss tries not to scream in horror at Hughes' chance to get a headstart in England ahead of the Ashes.

At least, that is what I like to think is going on in Strauss' mind. If I were him, I would be plotting ways to accidently injure young Phil. What's that? Strauss collides with Hughes while running between wickets. Oh no, his bat accidently embedded itself in Hughes' body and surgeons are currently working overtime to extract it from his intestines. Nobody can figure out why the bat was sharpened to a point.

What a shame.

The article's a good read. But my favourite part is where the usual journalistic descriptions of first impressions of an interviewee come into effect:

He looks exactly how you would imagine an average 20-year-old Australian from upstate New South Wales would do.

Oh, a bogan?

But no, it is something far more poetic:

Diamond earring twinkling from his right ear. Healthy covering of three-day stubble. An Aussie twang which would make Ricky Ponting sound upper class.

"An Aussie twang which would make Ricky Ponting sound upper class". Seeing as everyone sees fit to describe the accent as "twangy", perhaps we should just label people "twangs". Phil Hughes is a twang.

There's also a suggestion that Hughes could be the clone of Michael Clarke, which is well founded in some ways. But Shane Warne's not either of their dads so they can't exactly be from the same family.

Aussie twang.

Strauss reckons he's shit

Not in those words exactly, but that's the general gist of it. England's second favourite captain (no prizes for guessing who the first is) is quite emphatic when he says he doesn't wish to play in the World Twenty20 tournament. Well, not "wish to" because of course he'd play for his country if they wanted him to, but Andrew is so darn selfless he urged the ECB to forego him:

"I believe quite strongly that I'm not in the best 11 Twenty20 players in the country and therefore it would be wrong to captain the side. I said I felt it was right they look for someone else to lead the side and the selectors felt very similarly so it was very much a mutual thing."

"The selectors felt very similarly". That almost sounds embarrassing. In fact, the first things that come to mind are a dozen different embarrassing scenarios in which Strauss talks to the ECB about opting to stay out of the team:

Strauss: I've had a long, hard think about this, and I've made up my mind.

Member of ECB: Do go on! Meanwhile, I will smoke on my pipe.

Strauss: This is my final decision. Nothing anyone says can make me change my mind. I know it may hurt the England team but it's for the best.

Member of ECB: Poppycock!

Strauss: ...

Member of ECB: Sorry, I was just practising my English mannerisms.

Strauss: Anyway, I've considered all the possibilities and I know this will diappoint many people, least of all you, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the good of England.

Member of ECB: Bonkers!

Strauss: So I've decided I can't captain the team for the T20 World Cup. I'm just not good enough to make the cut.

Member of ECB: ...

Strauss: I know what you're thinking. "Oh poppycock, tea, smoking on my pipe! You've gone bonkers! Whatever will England do without you?" and I've also thought about my response. England will do brilliantly. We've had a tough time of it recently, especially after Kevin fucked up everything with his captaincy, but I think England will pull through without me.

Member of ECB: Good sir, I am in complete agreement with you! We could certainly do without you! England has plenty of strapping gentlemen ready to pick up the bat to make our Queen proud.

Strauss: ...Right. Well...

Member of ECB: In fact, I'd even go as far to say you're a bloody useless T20 player. Comparatively, of course.

Strauss: Yes. Okay. Good to agree on this.

Member of ECB: Toodles.

Poor Andrew. He thought he was the martyr, but the ECB upstaged him.

"Kev, you need me, right? The team needs me, right?"

Pwease mummy, KP wants to go home

...To watch his wife take part in a television talent contest. Andrew Strauss has strangely enough confirmed this news a few weeks on from the date Kevin Pietersen actually wanted to nip back home. KP apparently asked for a break between the 3rd and 4th tests against the Windies, but was denied it.

"The permission wasn't granted because we're on a cricket tour and it sets a bad precendent if people can go home during the cricket tour," Strauss said.
It's funny, and highly important, that England care about "setting a bad precedent" otherwise every other player will be darting back to England after losing yet another match. But after the surprise win in the 4th ODI, perhaps they're becoming a tad more self-assured. And after KP said the English cricket team is a "pretty damn lonely place to be", we wouldn't want to make the team literally more lonely now would we?

The thing I am most interested in is the reason KP asked for leave. Why would you possibly bother asking for a short break in order to watch your wife participate in a talent contest? Or in order to watch anyone participate in a talent contest? It's baffling. This is like Adam Voges asking to nip back to Australia to get married and return to SA for the next match. Only more insane.

Talent contest.
(Sybrand is disgusted)

Hello there again

An absence of 3 days means I miss 3 match results. Goddamn it.

• Safrica won in the second T20 match. I'm not smirking, I swear. Albie made 14 off 10 balls and was not out at the end of the innings, also picking up Warner Bunny's wicket. And he took a catch. And then there was Roelof van der Merve, or ROFL, however you wish to put it, won Man of the Match, making 48 off 30 balls. It means he's in the ODI squad for the first two matches. That was slightly easy, I'm thinking. Morne's quivering in his boots right now because of the increased competition. It's not even important to mention Australia's performance, making 139 in the 20 overs, and not the 156 required. Nathan Bracken went for 44 runs, taking one wicket. I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. It's just funny.
• England wins the ODI. Thanks, Ducky. Although, they actually performed well, so credit goes to the team. Particularly me, says Strauss. And yes, particularly him. Brilliant knock.
• India draws the Napier test with NZ. Thought so. They only lose 3 wickets in the 2nd innings and held out for a draw.

Meanwhile, I have been chatting to the likes of Julia Gillard and Princess Anne. Got to make myself feel better about missing these matches.

England fucks it up again

No surprise there, only it was almost laughable this time. And not in a "We just won by one run because the Windies fucked up their maths" way. This was more of a "What a piss take, England lose by 8 wickets and Chris Gayle goes berserk and hits 8 sixes" kind of thing.

Andrew Strauss has had his head done in by this England captaincy.
Ravi Bopara and KP practically threw the ball to fielders.
Soon after, Owais Shah and Flintoff said "Fuck it, we're taking off" and kindly gave up their wickets.
Paul Collingwood is likely to be smug in the change rooms, being the only one not to actually get out, after a misjudged lbw call by Steve Bucknor.
Matt Prior was next on the loser train, hitting a ball lovingly to point.
Broad was next, making little impact on the side.
Then came Dimitri Mascarenhas and Gareth Barry, who thankfully restored a semblance of dignity to the side, putting on 48. But they were also out.

England made 117, and didn't even bat out the 50 overs.
But what's even more disturbing is the next part. The Windies had wrapped up the game in 14.4 overs, with Gayle's 80 from 43 balls doing much of the work for them.
England are now 2-1 down in the ODI series.

How will England ever show their face after this? This is getting ridiculous.

Who's that in front of the Harbour Bridge?

Why, none other than the English women's cricket team, of course! Also known as winners. It's almost strange to see that word associated with England when John Dyson's name isn't being thrown around, but the winners of the World Cup returned to England after a welcome victory. Before they went, however, they had one last job to do...

Notice the interesting player colour scheme - coincidence?

I wonder if the men's cricket team is made to wear sailor-esque skirts and pose in front of a Sydney landmark. Well, it's not as though we could ever know. You have to win to be asked to do it.

Soon after the image was released, Andrew Strauss was seen stealing one of the skirts featured in an attempt to steal some of the womens' luck. Well, he called it luck, but we call it talent.