The Perks of Being a Commentator

Anyone who knows what the title of this post is a reference to gets brownie points for being awesome.

I have often noticed that commentators, in all their retired glory, don't seem to find the actual commenting on cricket aspect of their job all that appealing, but rather, they prefer the more creative part. It lets them experiment, go wild, get their brains churning, etc.

I am, of course, referring to the nondescript commentary they provide on what is going on in the brains of the cricketers. You'd think half these men gave up their dream of being script writers from the marvellous and extensive thoughts they invent for the players. Thankfully, having retired from the game and secured a commentary position with a top notch broadcaster, they're free to pursue their long lost dreams in which they provide the voices for the puppets on the field.

In fact, they practically shit themselves when the captain walks up to his bowler and has a nice long chat with him. "Brilliant!" the commentators exclaim. "What might they be saying? Ah, I know..." At which point he proceeds to describe in painfully boring detail what the on-field conversation is. Sometimes they come up with thoughts/dialogue for the players that are outlandishly far-fetched, turning a slightly grim expression into an "OH NOEZ!!!!1!!! WE R FCUKED!!!" But it's all part of the job, really. Having unnecessarily translated a facial expression or conversation for audiences around the world, the men at the helm smile to themselves contently. The world is a better place with everyone knowing just what you think is going on in Chris Gayle's head.

Sometimes, I listen to their imaginings of conversations and I think, if they're going to offer something up, why not make it wonderfully interesting? Why not tell listeners that the reason Vettori is looking so unhappy out there is because he's cheating on his wife with Baz? If I were offered the opportunity to deliver such truths to listeners, I wouldn't stop at anything. I would exercise creative license to turn a word of congratulations between players on opposing teams into reason for calling them out on match-fixing or batting for the wrong side, and literally this time.

Unfortunately, all we have is a bunch of smug old men inventing a completely unfunny line of dialogue for Sehwag and then chuckling at their own cleverness. The power of commentating, if it rested in other hands, could be put to better use.

South Africa set a record

Most consecutive T20 International wins ever. But wait, was anyone actually surprised they won against the West Indies? On rolls the South African juggernaut as they flatten teams on their way to the finals.

Despite Chris Gayle's valiant attempts to distract them with some ultra-cool sunnies, the saffas did not budge. They've had good practice at this, especially after Stuart Broad's attempts to deliberately distract the South African batsmen. Also because once their eyes lock onto the missile, also known as the ball, they do not take their eyes off it, not even to look at Broad's delicate hands.

You know what's creepy? As I check Cricinfo for Kallis' bowling figures because they're pretty fucking funny, I see they have also spoken of the "South African juggernaut rolling on. I don't write for them, just in case you were wondering. My singular brain is on par with their collective brains, however. Jacques' figures are 2-0-23-0 by the way. Hahahaha, that's far too good. Fingers crossed he'll stop playing T20s.

I won't mention Albie's figures because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. You want fairness? Go somewhere else. He was brilliant, just brilliant. A wicket on a no ball which is better than no wicket at all, and a small error involving a wide which ended up costing 5 runs. BRILLIANT.

Wayne Parnell had to do even more this match to finally get the MoM award. 4/13 is the result of his mastering the art of bowling yorkers and actually bowling at the stumps. With all the creative shit bowlers are trying to come up with, it seems everyone forgot that simply bowling at the stumps and waiting for a wicket is remarkably successful.

Lendl Simmons is the only batsman on the West Indies side who should be walking away from this match with a smile on his face, although he might not be smiling because they still lost despite his 77. Seriously, the things some people have to put up with...

And now I come to Albie. You were waiting for it all along, I know. That 10 off 8, especially after the perfect opportunity presented itself when die AB got ahead of himself and got out on 17. After being promoted up the order to actually come in before the 16th over. That was amazing, that last bit. Everything was set in place for Albie to kill someone, preferably with his bat. He didn't, but the very clever Jerome Taylor was behind it. The smart bastard bowled a few bouncers and then nailed Albie with a great yorker. Even Albie appreciated that one. Super Shades Gayle had instructed Taylor to go about targeting Albie with bouncers and this is CLEARLY him going after the most dangerous batsman on the side. I mean, obviously. For this reason, Albie's dismissal was alright. He felt the respect as he walked off that field.

I think Nasser Hussain wants to marry die AB, just like every other commentator out there.

And in the current match, New Zealand are killing me. Dan the Man is playing but... they're killing me. They really are.

West Indies win

Good stuff.

Not much to say except after the innings Gayle and Fletcher had, everyone wanted the Windies to win this match.

But I do believe there should be more cricketers named Xavier. "X Marshall" is the best name on the scorecards from both of these teams. Maybe you could even change your last name to "Treem" or something. I don't know, just saying. The possibilities are endless. Isn't there a BMX rider who legally changed his name to Kamikaze? It's be just like that, only CRICKET.

I think I need some sleep. Well done to the West Indies. They beat the Aussies with 4 whole overs (and one ball) to spare. That's massive. They didn't play close to a quarter of the time the Australians did.

The crowd certainly thinks the Australian loss is very appropriate. Never have there been so many West Indian supporters in the same place, more than half not even having geographical ties to the Windies.

Australia are going to lose

To the West Indies. You would think there's something wrong in that statement, and under normal circumstances there damn well should be.

But fuck, the West Indies are batting awesomely. Those first 5 or 6 overs were like a goldmine, and the best kind too. A boundary was practically expected off each ball. Not to mention Chris Gayle's absolutely massive six.

A fever pitch crowd baying for Australian blood. Looks like that wish will come true if the Windies don't magically fuck everything up, which is looking pretty unlikely and besides, choking is what South Africans do best, not the West Indies. A win for them will also happen a lot sooner if Australia continue to bowl the same excruciatingly high number of wides and no balls.

Brett Lee goes into the record books for that over from hell, I believe. 27 runs off it, the 4th highest in T20 International history. He's also lost a bit of the ol' pace it seems. Mitchell Johnson fared no better and was brutally savaged by Gayle and Fletcher. Australia gave it all away in those first few overs.

Will Gayle get one of the fastest centuries ever?

Tait is pissed

He probably wished he could say so, so, so much more.

"It's pretty easy for CA to say 'get yourself ready for a tournament' when they haven't given you a contract. I could quite easily duck off to the Greek Islands for a couple of months if I wanted to. But I'll keep myself fit, keep bowling and if something does come up well that'd be good."

See what he did there. He managed to restrain himself. Remarkable. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to do the same and I'd have exploded in the selectors' faces.

The situation with Shaun Tait is pretty much just... mindblowing. He says it in as many words:

"When you think you're ready to go and play, I thought they had me in mind for future tournaments, so that was fair enough at the time. But to not let you go, then not pick you in a squad, then not give you a contract is a little bit of a kick in the teeth."

It's fair game to call it a "little bit of a kick in the teeth". How about I edit that:

"But to not let you go, then not pick you in a squad, then not give you a contract is a little bit of a kick in the teeth big fucking kick up the backside and I'm getting my axe ready to hack those bastards to bits."

That's better.

This is also the chance for Shaun to come out with just how much he agrees with Chris Gayle's recent comments. Finally, a like-minded individual to share your thoughts with. Too bad Gayle practically retracted his comments.

Just kidding, we love each other

What, you couldn't possibly have thought there was a bit of bad blood between Gayle and Strauss, could you? No, in fact, it's all just dandy between the two, and they've had a good laugh about the whole incident over a cup of tea at Windsor Castle. What's more, Straussy has gifted Chris his life savings and they're due to be married in a court in Canada sometime this year. That's how rosy things are between the two men. So very... rosy.

Says Strauss:

"I have a very good relationship with Gayle, I've had no problems with him. Everyone is entitled to his opinion and to be honest he may have been right about my Twenty20 form."

Translation: "We're very good friends and I do quite love his quirky ways. In fact, I'd go so far as to say everything he suggested about me being shit at T20 is not only relevant, but entirely correct. LOL."

Now, while I may see the benefit in mutually agreeing to lay off each other, I don't see why Andrew is running around insulting himself.

Gayle is keen to return the favour, but he passes on the opportunity to make a dig at his own abilities:

"I respect Strauss, we are all big men and the comments are part of the game. I have never had any conflict with him."

See, Strauss, that's how you do it. You claim to be best friends with the enemy, and then you go forth and talk about just how "big" you are. Instead of, you know, calling yourself a shit T20 player.

Meanwhile, Gayle's "misunderstanding" claim has become a whole lot more clear:

"I don't see myself playing test cricket for a long time. That's all I meant. We play a lot of cricket, there are injuries and sometimes you have to listen to your body."

Right, because the spirit of Shaun Tait has possessed his body. Last I checked, Gayle wasn't exactly drowning under injuries like the old man he claims to be. But I know what you're thinking? Is he happy to be here? Let's find out:

"Yes I am happy to be here. I want to try and rebuild West Indies cricket, we have lots of young players and hopefully I can share my experience with them."

So for anyone who said he was kicking his fellow countrymen with his comments, he's NOT, OKAY? He wants to share his experience with them. His experience of hating Test cricket.

As for Strauss, I'm not sure if Strauss is making a subtle dig at Gayle, but it does have undertones of bitchiness:

"Gayle is always a dangerous player and, hopefully, he will be slightly distracted but I will just concentrate on my job which is to make sure that all 11 England players are fully committed to the team."

I'm inclined to think he is having a go at Gayle, but only because that's more interesting. And as we know, they just love each other now.

Sunshines, lollipops and rainbows... complete with creepy droid kids.

Gayle vs. Strauss heats up

On the pitch now. Andrew Strauss is gone for 26 off Gayle.

Ouch.

The Gayle-Strauss Wars

It all began with Chris Gayle saying he "would not be so sad" if Test cricket died out. He also said he can't "take on too many things" and that he'd be handing over the captaincy soon. Then things got lukewarm in the nasty department:

“I have liked Twenty20 since it came in. I like it. Who doesn’t? Maybe a couple of the Englishmen wouldn’t like to play Twenty20.”

First of all, excellent attempt to get a subtle dig in there. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TWENTY20 THE ENGLISH PLAY? DO YOU?

Andrew Strauss responded with a fairly innocuous:

"It's quite a personal situation for him because he only came back a couple of days before the first Test match and he's had some criticism for doing that. If I was a team-mate of his and I was walking out to play a Test match tomorrow you probably don't want to hear your captain saying that he doesn't value Test cricket very highly."

Gayle just seems quite tense about it all. In his first interview he also said:

"Maybe Andrew Strauss would be sad if Test cricket dies and Twenty20 comes in because there is no way he can make the change. So tough luck. It doesn't concern him. Tell him don't sleep with Chris on his mind, tell him get Chris off his mind."

Because Strauss just can't get Gayle out of his mind?

Chris Gayle has since come out and said he actually isn't going to resign and that we "misinterpreted". Yeah. Right.

"I just can't get you out of my head," Andrew sings, complete with a sultry wink.

BUT WAIT...

"Boy your loving is all I think about," continues Freddie, getting his Kylie on.

More Onion Jokes

This time it's Chris Gayle behind them. Excellent, I love a West Indian who can joke, and extend his stay in the IPL for the good of his broken team, obviously forgetting the rather lucrative contract he had signed.

That is the kind of man who ought to be making Graham Onions jokes.

On Tim Bresnan and England's very own stinker:

"I don't known nothing about them, I haven't seen them, not even tasted onion."

Okay, so he could have worked on the execution a bit, but it's pretty snappy for an impromptu effort. Snappy, I like it.

Of course, Gayle has no idea what he's in for with Onions. If you try cutting him down on the field, he'll just make you cry.

Super Over

What a super match.

The real stars of the night:

King Kong
Kamran Khan
Chris Gayle
And alright, Ganguly.

England fucks it up again

No surprise there, only it was almost laughable this time. And not in a "We just won by one run because the Windies fucked up their maths" way. This was more of a "What a piss take, England lose by 8 wickets and Chris Gayle goes berserk and hits 8 sixes" kind of thing.

Andrew Strauss has had his head done in by this England captaincy.
Ravi Bopara and KP practically threw the ball to fielders.
Soon after, Owais Shah and Flintoff said "Fuck it, we're taking off" and kindly gave up their wickets.
Paul Collingwood is likely to be smug in the change rooms, being the only one not to actually get out, after a misjudged lbw call by Steve Bucknor.
Matt Prior was next on the loser train, hitting a ball lovingly to point.
Broad was next, making little impact on the side.
Then came Dimitri Mascarenhas and Gareth Barry, who thankfully restored a semblance of dignity to the side, putting on 48. But they were also out.

England made 117, and didn't even bat out the 50 overs.
But what's even more disturbing is the next part. The Windies had wrapped up the game in 14.4 overs, with Gayle's 80 from 43 balls doing much of the work for them.
England are now 2-1 down in the ODI series.

How will England ever show their face after this? This is getting ridiculous.