Inane Cricket News

T20 cricket is going to the Asian Games. Really. Truly. Sometime this year, I don't really care when the games are on. Pakistan, India, SL and Bangaldesh have promised to send the best possible teams available.

If you've seen B-grade movies, it's time for B-grade cricket in an Olympics-like arena.

And the second piece of cricket news, apparently Shilpa Shetty is going to appear in a Bollywood film with some of the Rajasthan Royals guys. Yeah. Warnie's been approached, but they're also trying to score Graeme Smith, Yusuf Pathan, Morne Morkel and some others. Oh the limited roles they could play. Especially Morne, I'm sure this is his chance to out himself as a serial killer.

I do apologise for calling that cricket news. It just seemed too ridiculous not to mention.

How Chennai Will Win

A match everyone should be nervous about. Hopefully it'll be better than the Delhi/Mumbai spectacle last night, because these two teams are both in form.

But you've still got to be nervous. Of the matches Chennai and Rajasthan have played in both seasons of the IPL, Chennai has won only one of them, and that was this year. Rajasthan, however, have come back from losing consecutive matches to having won most of their last 5. So in light of the strengths of both teams and the likelihood this will be a close match, I'm going to offer up a take on how Chennai can win this crucial match:

• Out of the awesome foursome of Hayden, Raina, Dhoni and Albie, at least 2 need to fire. Preferably all 4. I should probably mention Badrinath here too, but too bad, I can't be bothered. What good does a duck do you?
• Fuck Chennai's other opener, they can't seem to get it right.
• George Bailey doesn't play (and no, the place he was born has nothing to do with it), and Jacob Oram does something spectacularly good for once.
• Lee Carseldine is swayed by an offer of money and/or sex from George.
• Graeme Smith gets out for less than 10.
• RR play Morne Morkel instead of Dimitri Mascarenhas. This one is vitally important.
• Warnie swigs another pint of beer from a well-meaning Aussie in the crowd, but doesn't realise that Aussie is me until the laxatives in the beer have taken full hold.
• Amit Singh is so terrified by chucker claims he refuses to bend his arm in the slightest while bowling and practically hands the match to Chennai.
• Yusuf Pathan realises he has an excess of motorbikes and so throws his wicket in order to escape the MoM award.
• Abhishek Raut is the one RR batsman who does well. I like to help my best friends along.
• Someone stabs Munaf Patel in the eye.

Okay, so maybe not all of those are needed to help Chennai win. They can do the rest by pure talent alone. Because they won't be so terrible in the field again, will they?

Or will they?

As for the KXIP vs. DC match, I'm gonna go Punjab just for kicks.

Also, I had originally asked whether anyone knew what the Penguin had said to Karthik, but after a bit of digging around, I've found out what it was. Suffice to say, why oh why is that an actual insult? It's like a stupider version of just calling someone a cunt.

Super Over

What a super match.

The real stars of the night:

King Kong
Kamran Khan
Chris Gayle
And alright, Ganguly.

Aussie Ex-Wankers & Ex-Aussie Wankers + IPL Thoughts

I'm trying desperately to figure out what that means. Imagine my surprise when I woke up today and discovered a piece of paper with that written on it, along with a bunch of other notes relating to the IPL. I have very little recollection of it, but seeing as I'd written it so earnestly, I thought I might as well post my [drunken] thoughts on the IPL. I've edited it a little so it makes sense:

• Won't get to see Shane Watson's hair in slow motion. Shame.
• Hope bowlers shout more obscenities at batsmen.
• Circus acts.
• No fielding side knows what they are missing out on. Sybrand's not playing.
• Munaf Patel can hopefully get coloured contact lenses to spare us the terror.
• Yusuf Pathan can try to stop looking so nervous before bowling.
• OUTFIELDS MUST BE FAST OR I WILL DIE.
• Warne will hide the thinning bald spot on the back of his head.
• Slog it!
• Cheerleaders will have more interesting moves.
• Shane Warne will mis-spit on batsman at non-striker's end. Lucky Punter's not there.
• At least when Albie gets out he takes the wicketkeeper and a fielder out with him.
• AUSSIE EX-WANKERS AND EX-AUSSIE WANKERS

Still confused about the last one. Most of the rest makes sense.

Just thought I'd share. Seems this post will be my final thoughts on the IPL. No team-by-team coverage for me, apparently. Not that I was going to, of course.

IPL Watch: Yusuf Pathan

The Dave Hussey to our Mike. Currently in form, a real all-rounder with strengths in both batting and bowling. Not a bad fielder either. Yusuf Pathan is yet another example of those Rajasthan Royals picking players based on quality performances, and he stepped up to the plate in the inaugural season of the IPL to prove his worth. $475,000 worth.

Good man.

The IPL really brought Pathan into the spotlight. He was a key player on Warnie's side, and if you'll remember, played a big role in the final against the Chennai Super Kings, picking up 3/22 and also having a handy day with the bat, with 56 off 39 balls. That won the match, and also won him the man of the man award.

Throughout the tournament, Yusuf Pathan scored 435 runs and took 8 wickets with his off-spin. Shane Watson scored 472 runs and took 17 wickets. They were both excellent players, but this post is about Pathan. Maybe Watson will come later.

Pathan's big strength was his batting. Over the course of 16 matches, he had a strike rate of almost 180, the second highest in the tournament after Sehwag. Along the way, he scored 4 half centuries, one of which was from only 21 balls against the Deccan Chargers - the fastest fifty in the competition.

When he's not busy pretending not to know his brother...

"Hi, uh... Imran, right? No? Irfan? Gotcha."

...Yusuf Pathan is a very clean hitter of the ball. He's no slogger. Watching him hit repeatedly perfect shots over the boundary made this pretty clear. He was an expert at finding the middle of the bat, and played straight out of a textbook. Nice to watch.

This year, with Shane Watson still recovering from an injury and not likely to bowl, perhaps Pathan will find himself playing a more important role in the proceedings with the ball. More likely, however, is that the Rajasthan Royals have been grooming a few younger Indian players for this. Kamran Khan, says Warne. I want to see this guy in action. Pathan looks likely to continue to make big scores and push his team closer to the finals.

There's a reason he's so good. I don't know why nobody else has considered this, but it's pretty obvious to me. Yusuf Pathan is some sort of reincarnation of King Kong. If you look at him in motion, or especially after he takes a wicket, the similarities are tremendous. Photos don't do his ape side justice, you need to watch it with your own eyes.