What we need but don't have

A bowler doing some of this again:

Preferably a spinner, and a leggie at that, but you know, we'll take what we get. Australia ain't all that picky no more when it comes to spinners.

Buchanan the cunning bastard

We see what he's doing there, cavorting with the enemy and then having the guile to say it's not Ashes talk. Trying to get Australian officials and players paranoid, are we? Yes indeed is the answer. Clever fellow, here's John Buchanan dodging the real truth:

"I did drop in and see some cricket officials in England on my way home from South Africa but it was a fleeting visit. There have been no negotiations, and nothing about the Ashes."

Or so he says.

Contrary to his poorly disguised lies, I have some contacts who tell me on very good authority that Buchanan was recently seen sneaking into ECB offices holding a sack full of cooking utensils designed for camping in the bush. Or in some quiet woods in northern England, I suppose.

Don't believe his lies, Warnie says he's evil and so he must be. He's fucked in the head, and the Kolkata Knight Riders are one way to prove this. Part of me hopes he does become England's coach development manager because then he'll send some of the players mad as he has attempted to do so to many other international players.

But the other part of me knows better.

Ashes Coverage in Australia

There's a little bit of choice going into the Ashes series this year, which isn't all that common for any overseas matches. But this is the Ashes, and so Fox Sports won't be the only option for Australian viewers, just as it wasn't in 2005.

SBS has joined in one the game again and is going to broadcast the series live, the only FTA broadcaster to choose to do so in 2005 and even now. As we all know, Nine's commitment to matches outside of Australia is more than weak.

The SBS broadcast will include morning updates, daily highlights and live coverage from 7:30pm for each of the five Tests, available in HD. FOX SPORTS will start their coverage at 7pm, with a one hour pre-game show. It will, of course, be in HD too.

FOX is throwing around names like Nick McArdle, Mark Waugh, Allan Border, Brendon Julian, Greg Blewitt, Damien Fleming, and there will be commentary from Shane Warne, David Gower, Ian Botham and Michael Holding.

The presentation team at SBS will he headed by Stuart MacGill, and the other two main players will be Damien Martyn and Greg Matthews. They'll be providing analysis of the Test matches and ODIs in England.

One of the good things about this is more choice for viewers, and perhaps a reprieve from some of the more annoying characters over at FOX. It also means viewers without cable subscription can watch the series live, which is always a good thing. So when you tune into the Ashes this year, which channel will you be supporting? Will you show the good old fellows at SBS a sign of your solidarity or will it be Mark Waugh all the way for you?

No obvious weakness in Phil Hughes

I said so, I really did. Whether it's entirely true remains to be seen, but by god, it seems to be true. Says Warnie:

"No doubt England's coaches will be looking at footage of Hughes's test matches against South Africa, as well as studying his performances for Middlesex. I could save them the trouble and say that there are no obvious weaknesses for them to find. Most important of all, he seems to be as mentally tough as they come."

He also thinks that England will attack us with spin. How ominous:

"Now that Graeme Swann has established himself in the team and Monty Panesar is
waiting in the wings, I think there's a real possibility that England will take on Australia with two spinners in their side."

Well, if England were smart, that's what they'd do.

Inane Cricket News

T20 cricket is going to the Asian Games. Really. Truly. Sometime this year, I don't really care when the games are on. Pakistan, India, SL and Bangaldesh have promised to send the best possible teams available.

If you've seen B-grade movies, it's time for B-grade cricket in an Olympics-like arena.

And the second piece of cricket news, apparently Shilpa Shetty is going to appear in a Bollywood film with some of the Rajasthan Royals guys. Yeah. Warnie's been approached, but they're also trying to score Graeme Smith, Yusuf Pathan, Morne Morkel and some others. Oh the limited roles they could play. Especially Morne, I'm sure this is his chance to out himself as a serial killer.

I do apologise for calling that cricket news. It just seemed too ridiculous not to mention.

Indian Government Swears Off SMS

Betting and gambling are already illegal, why not SMS games? I've never seen a government which fits the definition of 'prude' better than these fellows do, barring a few extreme exceptions.

India's Sports Minister Manohar Singh Gill is a far cry from our own. Kate Ellis bets all over the place, including making bets with the Brits involving one in which she said she'd wear their team colours and cheer their team on if Australia lost to Great Britain on the Olympics medal tally. Bitch. We lost that one, but at least we're not claiming New Zealand as a part of our country when we feel like it and then cracking jokes about them the next. The whole notion of "Great Britain" in the Olympics is laughable.

Oh, what was I saying? Gambling and betting.

“I am concerned about the latest venture of encouraging viewers to make ball-by-ball predictions of runs scored for economic gain in the shape of cash prizes.

“This is viewed as encouraging gambling and betting, to which official bodies do not resort, even in countries where betting is legal — all this to make money and enlarge the TV viewership base.”

Yeah, I laughed. But what is perhaps better is that at the launch of the SMS contest, the texting god Shane Warne himself spoke on how great this new game was. If I were him, I'd be constantly suspicious that these people were just shitting me. Everyone time anyone mentioned texting, I'd glare at them suspiciously to see if they were cracking a joke about me.

But not Warnie. He's as tough as nails. You'd have to be if you were to fuck it up with your wife a second time by accidently sending her a text meant for someone else. It's almost too good to be true.

If you're interested, Lalit Modi had the best possible Lalitastic response to the complaints made by the Sports Minister:

“It’s a valid point. But the margin of something like that [a correct prediction] happening is one in a million."

Basically "guys, nobody's going to win anyway, this is just me fucking with their money. HAHAHAHA."

Albie, you son of a gun

Did you see him bowl? Did you? Did you see him almost get Graeme Smith out first ball? Did you? DID YOU THEN SEE HIM GET OJHA OUT? Hahaha.

By the way Raj, I said I'd dedicate a post to you when Chennai won. Here it is. I hope you convert sometime soon because Chennai are likely to go to the semis and beat the crap out of every other team. Woohoo.

So Morne had been sent off and Shane Harwood brought in, a tactic to allow Badrinath to hit a mammoth over off him. That was funny, wasn't it? The Badri Assault, not to mention Haydos facing off Warnie and coming out the winner. So maybe he got out to Warnie, but he still hit him for six. Good times.

2 out of 2 for Chennai. That's looking good, considering they couldn't face Rajasthan last year.

Chennai were so good they didn't even need Dhoni or Albie to bat. Oram came in, and in the field he did some good work. Actually, they all did good work in the field, especially Raina. I've said this before but his weirdly shaped head is so much more endearing now.

So much for Chennai not being able to chase well. TAKE THAT, WARNIE. Chennai win... in your face.

Note: I'm choosing not to mention that highly disturbing over by Albie. My subconscious is helping me block it out.

How Chennai Will Win

A match everyone should be nervous about. Hopefully it'll be better than the Delhi/Mumbai spectacle last night, because these two teams are both in form.

But you've still got to be nervous. Of the matches Chennai and Rajasthan have played in both seasons of the IPL, Chennai has won only one of them, and that was this year. Rajasthan, however, have come back from losing consecutive matches to having won most of their last 5. So in light of the strengths of both teams and the likelihood this will be a close match, I'm going to offer up a take on how Chennai can win this crucial match:

• Out of the awesome foursome of Hayden, Raina, Dhoni and Albie, at least 2 need to fire. Preferably all 4. I should probably mention Badrinath here too, but too bad, I can't be bothered. What good does a duck do you?
• Fuck Chennai's other opener, they can't seem to get it right.
• George Bailey doesn't play (and no, the place he was born has nothing to do with it), and Jacob Oram does something spectacularly good for once.
• Lee Carseldine is swayed by an offer of money and/or sex from George.
• Graeme Smith gets out for less than 10.
• RR play Morne Morkel instead of Dimitri Mascarenhas. This one is vitally important.
• Warnie swigs another pint of beer from a well-meaning Aussie in the crowd, but doesn't realise that Aussie is me until the laxatives in the beer have taken full hold.
• Amit Singh is so terrified by chucker claims he refuses to bend his arm in the slightest while bowling and practically hands the match to Chennai.
• Yusuf Pathan realises he has an excess of motorbikes and so throws his wicket in order to escape the MoM award.
• Abhishek Raut is the one RR batsman who does well. I like to help my best friends along.
• Someone stabs Munaf Patel in the eye.

Okay, so maybe not all of those are needed to help Chennai win. They can do the rest by pure talent alone. Because they won't be so terrible in the field again, will they?

Or will they?

As for the KXIP vs. DC match, I'm gonna go Punjab just for kicks.

Also, I had originally asked whether anyone knew what the Penguin had said to Karthik, but after a bit of digging around, I've found out what it was. Suffice to say, why oh why is that an actual insult? It's like a stupider version of just calling someone a cunt.

Sickness Affects All

Even England, even the West Indies. On the one hand, they actually did a hell of a job to get 7 wickets on the first day, but on the other hand, hello dropped catches.

Amusing. Ravi Bopara is the only one avoiding all this sickness. His century is what did it for England. Looks like that No. 3 spot isn't going to be going to any of the oldies anytime soon. I'm really liking Bopara as well, but I suppose that's more so because of his maiden test century in Barbados.

John Buchanan also has the sickness. It's spreading fast. He wants Gilly or Warnie heading the T20 World Cup team. For fuck's sake, leave them be. They're retired and I think they're pretty damn okay with that. In any case, I don't know why he's offering his own advice anyway, considering how big a failure he has made of the Knight Riders.

But unfortunately, the most sick person of all is me. In the past 24 hours, I seem to have come down with the mother of all colds, leading me to believe it is perhaps the flu. And not the swine flu, although I wouldn't be surprised this is some sort of karmic payback for making that swine flu joke last night when I sneezed.

So if I'm mysteriously absent or just plain crazy, fear not. I'm just in my own personal hell. My eyes are welling up with tears right now, but not because I'm sad. Instead it's the darn sickness making my eyes water like crazy. Or maybe it's Graham Onions hiding in my house.

Rajasthan looking mighty again

On a day when everyone was making tasteless jokes about the swine flu, and swines were running in terror from butchers, the real swines came out and showed us how it's done. After an achievable 143 from Delhi, including AB doing his usual thing of being effortlessly good in every situation and hitting a 50, Graeme Smith oinked his way to 44 from 46 balls.

Everyone collapsed around him, save for King Kong, who came out to join his curly-tailed pink friend. The contrast was massive. Graeme was really feeling the fat getting in the way, as he waddled slowly to get to his slow 44 in true swine style. King Kong, meanwhile, was more interested in punishing Delhi's bowlers. Punish, punish, punish, with a 62 off 30 balls. What's that, Pathan would say, are you bowling a doosra? I saw that. And to punish you, I'm sending that away for a 6. Bang, down gave the gavel, the judge had made his decision.

If you want some real stats, you'll be interested to know King Kong hit 1 in every 5 balls for a six. What's that? FUCKING AWESOME? I agree. It was getting so bad for Graeme down the other end, he had to have a little chat with King about the importance of playing slowly and not trying to steal the limelight, playing for the team not for your own glory, etc.

"Now now, Yusuf, no need to be reckless. I'm the more senior player here, I think you should slow down and save face for me. Me being the team."

King Kong didn't listen. Who's the swine now? he cackled, as he sent another one over the boundary rope and drove Daniel Vettori to tears.

It wasn't Dan's day with the ball, unfortunately. But he had a cracker of a day with the bat. 29 off 28, matching AB every step of the partnership. That was the best part of it. Showing AB he wasn't the only one with magic powers, although Dan's are more of the Avada Kedavra kind. During his stint at the crease, Dan was angry. Argh angry, and not like a pirate, but like a dog that's just been shot up the ass.

"ARGH! FURY! I'M MAKING A SPECTACLE WITH MY SPECTACLES."

Very punny, Dan. Don't you agree?

Ultimately, King Kong rules the night, although Munaf Patel did some extremely good stuff in his 4 overs which only went for 14. He even picked up 2 wickets, including our favourite Kiwi skipper's. Sehwag and Gambhir were out of it the whole time, and they have been this entire tournament. A hard night partying with the ladies and drinking contests with Jesse Ryder are to blame this time, but last time, their failure can be accounted to wanting to get off the field fast after an overdose of Viagra to impress the cheerleaders. Needless to say, the cheerleaders weren't impressed with Gambhir, and had to pretend to be interested in Sehwag, before booting them both onto the field for a bat. Failures.

AB was disappointed with his performance. Only 1 six. Disgusting. 50 off 40 balls? Equally as disgusting. He was destined for a century if the umpires hadn't been such massive gits, and if Warnie hadn't appealed. So when Warnie himself was gotten out for a duck in the Royals' innings, AB had a little laugh and smirked to the leggie's face. Take that, Warne. AB had his revenge. He also ensured his captain didn't get many away so AB could remain the top scoring saffa in the match. It's the little things in life which please AB.

See that expression on AB's face? I do. He can't hide his secret glee.

Aussie WAGs get Relationship Training Camp for Ashes

The funniest story of the week, by far.

Cricket Australia has come up with a gem. In order to reduce the stresses on long-distance relationships while the Aussie men go on their prolonged tour of England, their WAGs have been invited to a "pre-Ashes training camp" at a beach resort.

A beach resort, darlings. Sounds full on. You know, like a "training camp". Why not a "zen mental wellbeing" camp? It sounds more appropriate, and also more appropriately full of shit.

Oh wait, the players are also going to be there. So that's where the "training" comes into it. Next month, on the Sunshine Coast, the players will train for the Ashes and World Cup, but what's more, they will have regular sessions with relationship counsellors alongside their wives or girlfriends.

Cricket Australia's operations manager Michael Brown is right on top of this spa retreat:

"It is a great opportunity for us to take a more holistic approach to welfare, management, relationships and (to) work with some experts."

I think I've read that in a pamphlet somewhere.

"This is not just about taking the girls up to the camp and talking to them. It's about helping the families spend some more time together before their husbands leave again."

It's a shame this wasn't around when Warnie and Simone were still married. It could have done a lot for their relationship. One whole text-free camp.

I wonder if Brett Lee's going to turn up.

Time to watch the advertising

If you think you've got it bad with advertising, try watching the IPL in Australia.

Same ad breaks, same times, but completely different content during the ads. You see, even the tactical time-out is purely ads, and 30 second ones at that. Then it's back to the studio to get Ryan Campbell's expert advice on cricket before we head to the game.

Sounds alright to an extent, but that's before you consider that with the ad breaks thrown in at every possible opportunity, including between overs, after wickets, etc, we are being subjected to quite a lot of advertising when we sit at home watching the IPL. (this is for everyone across the world, of course)

It's made worse by the fact that Australia's IPL broadcaster - ONE - is still a very new channel. It's barely been a month since this channel was launched, and in that time, the only sponsors or advertisers they've managed to secure are Castrol, Hungry Jacks, Advanced Hair Studios and Gatorade. If there's one or two more, tell me in the comments, but this is pretty much it.

Now, in the time that we're expected to watch ads, imagine these 4 ads being repeated, time after time. Imagine watching only these 4 ads for the duration of two matches, every day. Throw in a few ads from the channel itself and we've got a very narrow range of advertising that is expected to cover about 2 hours in total per night. It makes you actually want to watch Anthony Hudson and Ryan Campbell, or Corey Wingard.

I have most of the ads committed to memory, they haunt me in my dreams.
"At Hungry Jacks, we believe you should be able to get a meal for the same price, no matter where you live."
"I have to ask, is this true or is it just a load of spin?"
"I'd be looking like a new ball."
"You mean 'yeah, yeah'."
"Can you afford not to use it?"
"I guess this stuff works."

If you can identify the person who has said those quotes, congratulations, you must be Australian.

You mean 'yeah, yeah.'

As a side note, did anyone catch Corey Wingard repeatedly asking Campbell whether Warnie could make the Ashes team? He must have come up with a different scenarios in which the selectors have to decide whether Warnie can be on the squad, and each time Campbell responds with a no. By the end of that drawn out conversation, I was ready to kill myself.

On Shuk Rah Khan & IPL Opening Matches

What a terrifically boring match between Chennai and Mumbai. It had all the essentials of T20 cricket: few sixes (or DLF Maximums, I should say), lots of singles, ordinary bowling, and best of all, a lethargic crowd. The biggest cheer was for Duminy, but apart from that, it hardly felt INCREDIBLY ENTHUSIASTIC. It's not India, so it's the best we could expect.

More important news:

WTF WHERE IS ALBIE?
Okay, I won't say it doesn't make sense to have Albie rested for this one match and new internationals brought in. After all, he did only play an ODI the night before, and Chennai had plenty to draw on. But I was surprised. I was actually expecting to see him in the line-up. No fear, because later on, we were treated to a scary sight of Lalit Modi spending perhaps half an hour on the grass next to Albie's chair, talking to him. What was this about? I was entirely confounded as to what they could be talking about. I asked my viewing friend, however, and they suggested that Modi was asking Albie about South Africa. That made a lot of sense, actually. Of course Modi would want to find out from a local where the best strip club in the district was.

One HD's coverage and "Shuk Rah Khan"
Forget the Chennai vs. Mumbai match, this was the real torture of the night for Australian viewers. We were treated to a particularly mindnumbing pair hosting the coverage of the IPL, Anthony Hudson and Ryan Campbell. What an AFL commentator is doing covering the IPL two years in a row now is beyond me. Then there's Ryan Campbell. Retired WA cricketer, need I say more? Okay, I will. He's an idiot.

We were constantly cut away from the live coverage of the IPL to listen to Hudson and Campbell banter on for a bit about the game, and at times, try their hand at commentating. Hudson repeatedly turned to Campbell for seemingly expert advice. When Ryan Campbell is giving you expert advice, you know something's wrong. He came out with comments such as "Something in my waters is saying Mumbai will win." and even said that he'd be backing Kolkata Knight Riders this year because he just "loves their owner, Shuk Rah Khan." Now, I'm no Bollywood buff, but even I can tell you that is clearly incorrect. I also find it hard to believe Campbell could just "love this guy" when he doesn't even know his name. Worse still, every time Campbell said "Shuk Rah Khan", Anthony Hudson seemed to make a face, but I'm baffled as to why Ryan Campbell has now gone two years saying Shuk Rah Khan on live television repeatedly, and no one has thought to correct him. When he does find out, it'll be embarrassing beyond belief.

In addition to this, the expert Ryan Campbell seems to think "tactical time-outs" have been put in place because teams have slow over rates, and that the intention of the time-out is to "stop the game and have a chat" with the players about slow over rates. WTF? Incompetent idiot. Apart from the fact there is no logic behind this whatsoever, it's disgusting that we're expected to take him seriously. I'd sooner take AB de Villiers and his faith in God seriously.

When you'd desperately rather listen to the awkward commentating pair of Mark Nicholas and Ravi Shastri, you know something's wrong.

Dog of the Match
A true star. Our Lassie of of the night deserved the Man of the Match award. I've never seen more athleticism before. A 10 or so minute break involved the players following the dog around the field, and dozens of security officials flooding the field. At one stage, Jacob Oram thought he had it, but the dog just wheeled around and trotted back towards the middle. Manpreet Gony tried tempting the dog with a cricket ball, but apparently it's been brought up on gourmet dog food its entire life, so cricket balls won't do. That's when a woman had the sense to bring a sandwich onto the field. Tough luck, because Doggie was going nowhere. The only dives on that field during that match were to catch dogs, not balls. Even extra players from both teams wandered back onto the field to observe the spectacle.

Jrod has a video of the dog up, but I found a longer one up on YouTube which goes through a lot of the dog's tenure as a cricket player:



Lovely.

Citi Moments of Success
I almost understand DLF Maximums, but rechristening every single "moment of success" as a Citi Moment of Success is becoming grating. I'm sick of it. The commentators don't even seem to know what exactly qualifies for being a Citi Moment of Success. "Is that a Citi Moment of Success... Yes, I think so... Perhaps not."

Bangalore vs. Rajasthan
The more interesting match of the night. Rather inexplicably, I found myself going for Bangalore, somewhere in the middle of their disastrous first over. When Jesse Ryder waddled off the field (okay, I made a fat joke. So sue me) and Ross Taylor moved across his stumped, both wickets being accredited to Dimitri Mascarenhas, things were looking pretty shit for the Royal Challengers.

KP came out a lot sooner than he'd probably expected, and was gifted with a massive boo from the crowd. Perhaps any other player and they'd have let this get to them a little, but not KP. With a calm "Fuck you" attitude, he took to the ball and confidently hit 32 off 30 balls. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I want to see more of KP, especially if he does everything in his power to piss off the crowds. Oh the entertainment.

Then came Dravid. There's a reason everyone should still love this guy. Top act, classy performance, literally saved the match for Bangalore with his 66 off 48 balls at a strike rate of 137. Yeah, that's right. 137. Who said he wasn't suited to this form of the game? Dravid even had a little "fuck you" moment when he pointed to the dressing rooms following his half century. You know, I'm still not convinced he's a top T20 performer, but Dravid is the most effortless hitter of the ball. He deserved his MoM for taking his team from disaster to success. The Bangalore bowlers did a lot later on too.

Warnie. You know it, this guy's still ripping up the best balls in matches. Goddamn, some of his deliveries tonight were beautiful, and he shook off the rust of not having played for a year or so and took 2 wickets for 18. He was hit for one six. Really good stuff from Warne, the flight on his deliveries was amazing at times.

Bangalore's bowlers were brilliant. They'd set a target of 134, and they restricted extremely well early on. At one stage, half of Rajasthan's runs were derived from extras. Dale Steyn gave away a million wides, but he hadn't had the best preparation for the game following the ODI the previous night, so all is forgiven. Praveen Kumar was also a standout, picking up Graeme Smith and Asnodkar's wickets when it mattered most.

By the time Kumble came around, I was delirious, I won't reveal from what. So when he took those 5 wickets for 5, I wasn't sure whether I was imagining it. When I did hop off to sleep, I still didn't quite believe the 58 all out. A quick check this morning and yes, RR had collapsed for that much. Hilarious.

I did check on KP's hugging in the match. He does seem quite eager to get touchy-feely with the other players. First he comes in for the kill, a hug or a pat on the back. Then he backs away for a moment and eyes the player up a little, before eventually coming back in for another hug. So there you go.

Brett Lee looking wistful

He could have been training with the Aussies right now. That facial expression is somewhat wistful.

Meanwhile, Shane Warne was just busy looking creepy during the IPL parade in Cape Town yesterday:

"Billy, Uncle Gustav is here for some alone time with you."

Slow over rates

Finally. Something to help stop the excruciatingly slow over rates of the IPL. I might have killed myself if I'd had to sit through an extra hour of play repeatedly this year because of team's deciding to get tactical on the field. And do so very slowly.

Anyway, fines yadda yadda, won't repeat what's already in the article.

I'm just wondering who pays the team fine? If it's $360,000 how will they split it up, seeing as there's such a marked difference in income for the IPL between different players.

But the greatest victory of all in this is that Shane Warne will finally stop taking so fucking long to set the field, and may just give up on having a dozen extended chats with bowlers between overs, and indeed, between balls. He's not the only perpetrator, but he is one of the worst.

"A fine?!"

Aussie Ex-Wankers & Ex-Aussie Wankers + IPL Thoughts

I'm trying desperately to figure out what that means. Imagine my surprise when I woke up today and discovered a piece of paper with that written on it, along with a bunch of other notes relating to the IPL. I have very little recollection of it, but seeing as I'd written it so earnestly, I thought I might as well post my [drunken] thoughts on the IPL. I've edited it a little so it makes sense:

• Won't get to see Shane Watson's hair in slow motion. Shame.
• Hope bowlers shout more obscenities at batsmen.
• Circus acts.
• No fielding side knows what they are missing out on. Sybrand's not playing.
• Munaf Patel can hopefully get coloured contact lenses to spare us the terror.
• Yusuf Pathan can try to stop looking so nervous before bowling.
• OUTFIELDS MUST BE FAST OR I WILL DIE.
• Warne will hide the thinning bald spot on the back of his head.
• Slog it!
• Cheerleaders will have more interesting moves.
• Shane Warne will mis-spit on batsman at non-striker's end. Lucky Punter's not there.
• At least when Albie gets out he takes the wicketkeeper and a fielder out with him.
• AUSSIE EX-WANKERS AND EX-AUSSIE WANKERS

Still confused about the last one. Most of the rest makes sense.

Just thought I'd share. Seems this post will be my final thoughts on the IPL. No team-by-team coverage for me, apparently. Not that I was going to, of course.

Shane Warne has an idea for the ICC

Stop scheduling matches during the IPL, apparently:

"If the ICC had any common sense, they would create a window for the IPL. No international cricket should be played in June. The IPL could then be cut to four weeks, which would allow all international players to play in it … the BCCI and the ICC would then compensate all the unions with some money for allowing their players to play in the IPL."

Very elaborate. Wonder how long he's been chewing on this one. Darn ICC and their lack of common sense!

Kamran Khan has a story

This is exciting. We know so little about this 18 year old, and Warnie's waving him hints under our noses, but not revealing much. He'll be pissed that Khan decided to give an interview. So much for unveiling him when the IPL officially begins, Kamran's gone and ruined Shane's big spectacle.

Warnie isn't talking to him, but Khan sure as hell is talking about himself to SuperSport:

"I had gone for trials to every part of my state Uttar Pradesh but without success. Even until a few days ago, nobody knew me. I used to play at the Azad Maidan in Mumbai and just hoped to keep on doing the hard work. I had just one pair of clothes for trials and torn shoes. I used to buy platform tickets and spend the nights there when travelling to attend trial camps as I did not have money to book hotel rooms. I often used to bowl on an empty stomach or a meal of tea and biscuits."

It's almost like a feel-good movie. Or a cricketing version of Slumdog.

What an extraordinary rise for this boy. His life has taken a permanent turn to the better side of things, and (wait for it) all because of the IPL. What a great find he is.

Kamran Khan has a great bowling action. It's almost as good as Sohail Tanvir's, who's more of a slingshot than anything else. Khan gets down really low and does something similar to Tanvir, only it looks more legitimate. What is it with the Rajasthan Royals and picking bowlers who have an extraordinary arm action?

It's the only photo of him I could find. What a mystery.

Sybrand Engelbrecht Beats Shane Warne

I'm excited. My best friend has flexed his ambidextrous powers to aid his team to a crushing 28 run defeat of the Rajasthan Royals.

In yesterday's IPL "Clash of the Champions", between SA's leading T20 team, the Cape Cobras, and last year's IPL champions, the Rajasthan Royals, Sybrand stepped up to the plate and delivered in both his batting and bowling. What a superstar, seriously. Shane Warne was scared out of his wits by this ambidextrous saffa with terrifyingly blonde hair.

The Cape Cobras hit 142/8, batting first, and Sybrand top scored, hitting 36 off 22 balls, Albie-style. But he wasn't done there, oh no he wasn't. Because when the Royals came into bat, Sybrand opened the bowling, tricking the opposition by quickly switching the ball from one hand to the other in his run-up. He didn't break any laws, however, because after switching 5 times, he eventually bowled with the arm he had specified to the umpire. What a clever boy. If I were ambidextrous, I would do the same.

The Cape Cobras captain, Justin Ontong, spoke of his deliciously cunning plan to trick the opposition by having Sybrand open the bowling:

"We opened the bowling with an off-spinner Sybrand (Engelbrecht) just to provide a different approach and try to confuse the opposition."

What a dastardly game plan, making use of the team mutant. I like it.

Sybrand should have also gotten the MoM award, but his slightly less evil team mate Rory Kleinveldt picked up 4/22 and also hit 23 runs. The MoM award was actually a car, the Mahindra Xylo, and it went to Kleinveldt. But the bastard who stole Sybrand's prize doesn't even have a goddamn driver's license. How comical. Instead, the team decided they'd sell the car and split the profits. How business-like.

As a side note, I have discovered a news article about the game which completely excludes Sybrand from it. Not only that, but it replaces Sybrand's achievements by accrediting them to someone else, a player named Richard Levi. That's just really creepy.

"Identity theft? Richard Levi, this is my manic face. I'm coming to get you."

Shane Warne speaks on IPL

This is like IPL gold. Same newspaper, Shane Warne has also given an interview about the Rajasthan Royals and the IPL in general (especially now that it's being held in SA). There's quite a few interesting things in it, but I'm picking out a few particular bits:

"Captains should always run the cricket. At international level I don’t think you need a coach. At domestic level you need a coach."

That's an interesting thought, and not one I necessarily agree with. Putting the pressure of coaching the team on the captain seems to be too hard a job, especially if the team is already under pressure to perform well. Coaches are always getting bashed by public figures, or the public. If a captain were to undergo scrutiny over their coaching, in addition to the scrutiny they already face about their performance, then I think we'd be seeing many unhappy teams around the world.

"We were very well prepared and we gave everyone a role and nickname. Graeme Smith was the “Rock at the top”. He batted with Swapnil Asnodkar who was the “Goa Cannon” — go and hit them. We had all these names that the guys loved."

That's almost funny.

"We’ve got one young player who’s going to be very interesting. We’re tossing up now what his nickname is going to be — Wild Thing or Tornado, something like that. Kamran Khan is a young kid, a left-armer, a slinger, he doesn’t speak much English at the moment. He’s a tiny little guy but he bowls 140 plus."

Well, he sounds awesome. Like a little bowling machine. I'm highly interested.

On his relationship with Graeme Smith:

"We had a few beers after the first game and chatted about a lot of stuff. We hung out a fair bit. We’ve kept in touch since then and become good buddies."

Move over, KP.

"He was so verbal and public about everything. We won 5-0 (in 2005/06) and I said to him the other day, when something’s not working, try to do something else. Don’t just continue and let the ego get in the way."

Excellent advice, Warnie.

Great article. Check it out. I'm just disappointed Warne didn't say anything directly about Buchanan. He sort of implied a few things, though.