How Chennai Will Win

A match everyone should be nervous about. Hopefully it'll be better than the Delhi/Mumbai spectacle last night, because these two teams are both in form.

But you've still got to be nervous. Of the matches Chennai and Rajasthan have played in both seasons of the IPL, Chennai has won only one of them, and that was this year. Rajasthan, however, have come back from losing consecutive matches to having won most of their last 5. So in light of the strengths of both teams and the likelihood this will be a close match, I'm going to offer up a take on how Chennai can win this crucial match:

• Out of the awesome foursome of Hayden, Raina, Dhoni and Albie, at least 2 need to fire. Preferably all 4. I should probably mention Badrinath here too, but too bad, I can't be bothered. What good does a duck do you?
• Fuck Chennai's other opener, they can't seem to get it right.
• George Bailey doesn't play (and no, the place he was born has nothing to do with it), and Jacob Oram does something spectacularly good for once.
• Lee Carseldine is swayed by an offer of money and/or sex from George.
• Graeme Smith gets out for less than 10.
• RR play Morne Morkel instead of Dimitri Mascarenhas. This one is vitally important.
• Warnie swigs another pint of beer from a well-meaning Aussie in the crowd, but doesn't realise that Aussie is me until the laxatives in the beer have taken full hold.
• Amit Singh is so terrified by chucker claims he refuses to bend his arm in the slightest while bowling and practically hands the match to Chennai.
• Yusuf Pathan realises he has an excess of motorbikes and so throws his wicket in order to escape the MoM award.
• Abhishek Raut is the one RR batsman who does well. I like to help my best friends along.
• Someone stabs Munaf Patel in the eye.

Okay, so maybe not all of those are needed to help Chennai win. They can do the rest by pure talent alone. Because they won't be so terrible in the field again, will they?

Or will they?

As for the KXIP vs. DC match, I'm gonna go Punjab just for kicks.

Also, I had originally asked whether anyone knew what the Penguin had said to Karthik, but after a bit of digging around, I've found out what it was. Suffice to say, why oh why is that an actual insult? It's like a stupider version of just calling someone a cunt.

Speak of the devil

While the complete destruction of Bangalore has taken place by the RR bowling attack, I was almost hoping BRC would win. Why, you ask? Because of Dravid, I answer. If you're going to leave your newborn kid at home and trot off to another country to play for a drunken tycoon (okay, for cash too) you'd think a little winning would be the perfect way to start things. But no, he's out for a duck.

Then it's up to Boucher, ROFL or Mr. Smooth to step up. The first fails, but ROFL hit a boundary off Morne (HAHAHA, watch Albie bowl better later tonight) and then gritted his teeth together and made weird facial expressions as he excitedly looked for another gap in which to hit the ball to.

The variations of how all the player's say Morne's name is hilarious. But even better is the commentators talking about him after he took the Kohli catch or some other batsman:

"Speak of the devil."

Now if you were a rational person, that would make sense. But if you're A GOD-FEARING, JESUS-LOVING GOOD HOLY CHRISTIAN then the moment you hear that sentence your life is changed forever. Out come the crucifixes and holy water. Out comes AB's favourite book.

Really, if I were going to pick a devil in the Rajasthan team, I'd say Munaf Patel. Occasionally, you see flashes of his alter ego poking through and his eyes are replaced by fiery balls of hell. It is quite hard to pick up if you're not trained in the art of identifying devils like I am.

I'm also a ninja in my spare time, but I have dabbled in Ghostbusting.

Rajasthan looking mighty again

On a day when everyone was making tasteless jokes about the swine flu, and swines were running in terror from butchers, the real swines came out and showed us how it's done. After an achievable 143 from Delhi, including AB doing his usual thing of being effortlessly good in every situation and hitting a 50, Graeme Smith oinked his way to 44 from 46 balls.

Everyone collapsed around him, save for King Kong, who came out to join his curly-tailed pink friend. The contrast was massive. Graeme was really feeling the fat getting in the way, as he waddled slowly to get to his slow 44 in true swine style. King Kong, meanwhile, was more interested in punishing Delhi's bowlers. Punish, punish, punish, with a 62 off 30 balls. What's that, Pathan would say, are you bowling a doosra? I saw that. And to punish you, I'm sending that away for a 6. Bang, down gave the gavel, the judge had made his decision.

If you want some real stats, you'll be interested to know King Kong hit 1 in every 5 balls for a six. What's that? FUCKING AWESOME? I agree. It was getting so bad for Graeme down the other end, he had to have a little chat with King about the importance of playing slowly and not trying to steal the limelight, playing for the team not for your own glory, etc.

"Now now, Yusuf, no need to be reckless. I'm the more senior player here, I think you should slow down and save face for me. Me being the team."

King Kong didn't listen. Who's the swine now? he cackled, as he sent another one over the boundary rope and drove Daniel Vettori to tears.

It wasn't Dan's day with the ball, unfortunately. But he had a cracker of a day with the bat. 29 off 28, matching AB every step of the partnership. That was the best part of it. Showing AB he wasn't the only one with magic powers, although Dan's are more of the Avada Kedavra kind. During his stint at the crease, Dan was angry. Argh angry, and not like a pirate, but like a dog that's just been shot up the ass.

"ARGH! FURY! I'M MAKING A SPECTACLE WITH MY SPECTACLES."

Very punny, Dan. Don't you agree?

Ultimately, King Kong rules the night, although Munaf Patel did some extremely good stuff in his 4 overs which only went for 14. He even picked up 2 wickets, including our favourite Kiwi skipper's. Sehwag and Gambhir were out of it the whole time, and they have been this entire tournament. A hard night partying with the ladies and drinking contests with Jesse Ryder are to blame this time, but last time, their failure can be accounted to wanting to get off the field fast after an overdose of Viagra to impress the cheerleaders. Needless to say, the cheerleaders weren't impressed with Gambhir, and had to pretend to be interested in Sehwag, before booting them both onto the field for a bat. Failures.

AB was disappointed with his performance. Only 1 six. Disgusting. 50 off 40 balls? Equally as disgusting. He was destined for a century if the umpires hadn't been such massive gits, and if Warnie hadn't appealed. So when Warnie himself was gotten out for a duck in the Royals' innings, AB had a little laugh and smirked to the leggie's face. Take that, Warne. AB had his revenge. He also ensured his captain didn't get many away so AB could remain the top scoring saffa in the match. It's the little things in life which please AB.

See that expression on AB's face? I do. He can't hide his secret glee.

Aussie Ex-Wankers & Ex-Aussie Wankers + IPL Thoughts

I'm trying desperately to figure out what that means. Imagine my surprise when I woke up today and discovered a piece of paper with that written on it, along with a bunch of other notes relating to the IPL. I have very little recollection of it, but seeing as I'd written it so earnestly, I thought I might as well post my [drunken] thoughts on the IPL. I've edited it a little so it makes sense:

• Won't get to see Shane Watson's hair in slow motion. Shame.
• Hope bowlers shout more obscenities at batsmen.
• Circus acts.
• No fielding side knows what they are missing out on. Sybrand's not playing.
• Munaf Patel can hopefully get coloured contact lenses to spare us the terror.
• Yusuf Pathan can try to stop looking so nervous before bowling.
• OUTFIELDS MUST BE FAST OR I WILL DIE.
• Warne will hide the thinning bald spot on the back of his head.
• Slog it!
• Cheerleaders will have more interesting moves.
• Shane Warne will mis-spit on batsman at non-striker's end. Lucky Punter's not there.
• At least when Albie gets out he takes the wicketkeeper and a fielder out with him.
• AUSSIE EX-WANKERS AND EX-AUSSIE WANKERS

Still confused about the last one. Most of the rest makes sense.

Just thought I'd share. Seems this post will be my final thoughts on the IPL. No team-by-team coverage for me, apparently. Not that I was going to, of course.