Dhoni Morphing Into A Lion

The ridiculousness of the rest of the video is irrelevant. DHONI'S HEAD MORPHS INTO A LION'S HEAD, folks.

Holy fucking shit.



That's just really trippy.

I also feel so very sorry for Dhoni, Raina and whoever the last fellow is. Badrinath? I can't tell.

What we didn't see this IPL

Disappointing.

Comparing myself with Manish Pandey

When I was 19, I was busy skipping classes at uni. Clearly, he's not.

The end.

The better team won today. Bangalore batted well, fielded well, and bowled well. They also managed to do each of these better than Chennai, so they deserved that win in every way. I find myself okay with that, and if it's not heresy to say so, throughout the match I didn't quite mind BRC's onslaught against CSK bowlers.

As the commentators have reminded us about a hundred times, the No. 7 and No. 8 teams from last year will be meeting in the final this year. Just because I like some of their players more, I'm going Bangalore. But it would be good to see Deccan win the tournament this time.

If you're interested, Ryan Campbell and Corey Wingard are all over Pandey's name. Apparently it's "Pandy" as in "Mandy".

Semi-finals, being crap, and the number 146

What is that really? 146. What a pathetically shit score from a team that's supposed to have an excellent batting line-up, and who are going to give away 20 runs or so later in the game through misfields.

It just doesn't make sense. I suppose we should have known. From the moment those Mischief Gals were doing their circus troupe act during the pitch report, Chennai were doomed to make a relatively low or "okay" kind of score. Just on that point, Sunny Gavaskar made reference to the Mischief Gals' "curves". Dream on, mate.

Strangely enough, Parthiv Patel turned out to be the real menace today, like the little fucker he is. He was appointed the team maniac and I found myself smiling at his midget antics. Good going there.

So Chennai dropped off one by one, until Albie stepped out into the Bullring. And being such a sick bastard who only wants sons as children, he stopped Kumble during his run-up, and then promptly hit him for six the next ball. The last ball of the innings was also interesting. What do you reckon, was it a four or a six?

Some points of concern within the Bangalore team:

• Kumble looks absolutely ancient chasing balls to the boundary.
• Jacques Kallis really needs to shave off that tuft of hair in an otherwise bald spot. It's like some horrible head fungus. Although, you cannot even begin to imagine the thrill of seeing him be treated with disdain by batsmen.
• Praveen Kumar looked spastic after the Raina wicket. What was up with that and what medication has Ray Jennings got him on?

All very pertinent questions which I'm sure will be answered in the BRC innings, in which CSK bowlers will have to step up or they're well and truly fucked.

By the way, caught sight of Mike Hussey on the sidelines. So stupid.

Mike Hussey returns to the IPL, for real this time

All those times I lied about him coming back, I was just fucking with you bastards. This time it's real and it's serious: Mike Hussey is back in the tournament for its conclusion. I don't know why at all. It's a bit of an idiotic thing to do. Maybe he senses his end is near or something, smelling death. If that's true, it'd be disappointing he gave up so quickly, because why would you back out of the tournament only to return for the [possible] last match?

Doesn't matter. Chennai will win today. I think. Bangalore aren't that great, they just have a lot of saffas, who Albie will hopefully dropkick out of the stadium. Hopefully, my dears. Hopefully.

Shopping With Dhoni

It's still happening. Oh god, stop it.

After two other creepy meetings with VB Chandrasekar, it's still going on.

The entire team went on a shopping spree as soon as we landed in Jo’burg. It was a huge store housing some of the finest brands in clothing, watches, sunglasses and jewelry offered at special prices. Dhoni, wearing designer clothes, looked very relaxed as I bumped into him a couple of times in the hotel lobby.

Yes, Dhoni was just relaxing in his designer clothes, having been on a shopping spree only hours earlier.

So Dhoni not only has private lunches with Raina sitting in his lap, but he also winks secretly at people and goes on shopping sprees, only to be seen relaxing in his designer outfit afterwards.

This is not the Dhoni I thought existed.

You're killing me, Albie

Or rather, he's killing himself. What is this injury, this mysterious injury that is plaguing him? It's not so much plaguing him as keeping him firmly tucked away on the sidelines hanging out with the other sick kids of the team, namely Haydos and Badrinath. Not to mention Makhaya Ntini, who is being paid a heck of a lot to act as the team jester for the tournament. Even I could juggle for the Chennai Super Kings if that's all they want out of him, and I'd do it for free.

Anyway, Dhoni says Hayden and Albie will be back for the semis:

"Albie Morkel and Badrinath had niggles and they didn't needed to be rested. We could have played them. We played Badri because we thought our batting would weaken if he is not there. Hayden will be fine. The physio has said so. We could have pushed him to play this match but it is good to have him for the semifinals."

George Bailey, meanwhile, has played more games than anyone ever thought he would. Was that his third last night? He certainly looked happy. But then again, he always looks happy so that's not much to go on.

The top bloke took quite a smashing by the otherwise weak Chennai batting order. Not that it mattered, because their bowling somehow saved them. Strange, that.

I bet you're wondering who top-scored for Chennai. It was Parthiv Patel. Yeah.

Royal fuckups

You know what I'm talking about. It was good entertainment, well worth your nonexistent dollar to watch. Jadeja intent on running out as many team mates was the highlight of Rajasthan's innings.

But do I care? An emphatic no. Possibly an exclamation mark on the end of that too. It's all well and fine, KKR will probably win this one in a bizarre inversion of their playing performances. Even losing wickets early won't kill them chasing a total of 101.

Meanwhile, Albie's preparing to fuck up big time against a top bloke we all know. Good job, man. Keep it up. Why am I so bitter? Maybe because he's being a goddamn prick and refusing to play well when he needs to.

Doesn't mean he's not the flagship player of this blog. Players with faults are the best players made. I'm pretty sure I just butchered a colloquialism so much just then that you wouldn't be able to recognise its origins. There's a good indicator of my sanity, dears.

And for good measure, down with Agarkar! Someone chop off his ears.

The horrors of Chennai's bowling

Can mean that Kolkata win a match which CSK really should have won. I wasn't watching the game obviously, but WHAT THE FUCK WENT ON, I ask?

Now they have to win a match against Punjab when Yuvraj has been getting hat-tricks all over the place. Yeah, good luck with that. If you can't beat the coughing, spluttering shittiest guns of the competition, I'm just waiting for CSK to choke against Kings XI too.

Goddammit.

Someone went for 13 an over, the second highest of his side. Someone is in deep shit because he should know how to fucking bowl by now. I put all my faith behind this someone and back them more than any other player and they FAIL TO DELIVER.

I'm off. England won against the Windies. Big surprise there, not like we haven't been expecting it since day 3.

Mumbai are out of it

I felt bad for them for a few minutes. Tendulkar looked so disappointed.

But, you know, shit happens. There were probably 5 teams which looked like they had a chance of getting into the semis, and one of them had to go. A series of poor performances by Mumbai led to this.

Meanwhile, Chennai continue to field like a bunch of idiots wearing clown boots, and it's starting to scare me very much. They concede about 20 extra runs a match due to bad fielding on the boundary. It's disturbing.

Albie was alright, Ryan Campbell didn't admit he wants to jump Albie. It's only a matter of time before he does. I swear his eyes glaze over when he talks about Albie. Today Campbell was in form, coming out with the best comments of all:

"If you get funky, you die."

Try relating that back to cricket.

Post-match, Dhoni and Hayden dodge around the topic of Parthiv Patel's general shittiness. They almost made it sound like he's a good player. Luckily, we know better. He was out first ball, a bit of a "fucking hell" moment for him.

And just on a different note, I'm curious about Neil McKenzie. This commentating thing isn't looking like a brief stint, it seems very real. Where is the explanation for it? Does this mean he's... out of it? If it does, what a stupidly quiet way to go. Haydos went out kicking and screaming in a similar situation, but it's like McKenzie just melded into commentating when nobody was looking. I hope he doesn't continue, because he looks like he's at a funeral out there. Some sort of undertaker, really.

Hope you enjoyed Jeremy Coney's "shameleons". I certainly did. And don't forget to vote for Miss Bollywood SA. It's the most important event of all, apparently.

Albie strikes

Awesome.

A Tough Question

Can I be arsed watching the rest of the IPL? I've already dwindled down on the matches I catch, and that's usually only because the first one is shown at a time when I don't mind watching it.

But if the IPL were 20 days shorter, I wouldn't be feeling bored right now. Around the same time Lalit Modi is declaring this year's IPL a wonderful success, legions of cricket fans are turned off it completely.

I will watch the finals, because that's the only part of it that counts. And I will watch tonight's match between Chennai and Mumbai. Guess who'll win? Hopefully not the latter. And hopefully - I don't know how many times I'm going to say this before it comes true - Albie will hit the fucking ball and get a decent score.

Raina's ill form in the past few matches has caused him to slip down the leading run scorer's table. He is now 4th, behind Hayden, Gilly, and oh fuck... AB. But only by 4 runs. When did AB get back in the game anyway? There's a margin of almost 160 runs between 1st and 2nd. Hilarious.

Consolations

At least Albie bowled well.

4-0-13-2

If only he'd batted well, the fuckhead.

Hayden was right. They were five or so runs short. If only, if only. And suddenly now any of those lower teams can creep up on Chennai if everything goes well.

That's not a position they want to be in. They were up against Bangalore. That should have been a cakewalk, but no.

From the team diaries:

If one expected Dhoni to show his displeasure in the wake of this debacle, then the leader kept his counsel and his disappointment well concealed. Anyone in his shoes would have found it irresistible to go berserk. Building confidence is the key and the unit is well aware of the fact that the slip here has made the course a touch harder.

How exactly would Dhoni have gone berserk, then? Do tell. A rabies-like attack in which he writhed on the ground, foaming at the mouth? Or maybe he would have gone berserk with his bazooka. It really is quite irresistable to go berserk.

Don't disown Albie JUST LOVE HIM

I don't want to, but WTF. Can I bring myself to watch on with this delayed broadcast knowing he gets out for a measly 9.

Not just that but apparently Oram is gone too, and now Balaji. Chennai clearly want to lose this match.

I can't even muster up indignation.

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Changed the title of the post to suit the new mood of the game. Go Albie, taking wickets like that. Especially Kallis'. When he wasn't actually out. I love wrong LBW calls.

Why does he insist on bowling marginally better than he bats? What kind of messed up inversion is that?

I've never been so happy to see Dravid fall. And I don't even feel bad either.

ffffffffffffffffff

Jacques Kallis 2/15 or some such.

I am living my nightmare.

It's made worse by the fact the match is being delayed by almost an hour here and all I know is that fat Jacques is about to strike very soon.

Dhoni's fighting out there with Haydos.

I think Albie's coming in next. Excellent.

Dhoni winks again

What is going on? Why does he keep winking at VB Chandrasekar? The last time he did it, he was tucked away in a corner of Nando's having an intimate lunch with Suresh Raina. But really, all this winking is getting out of control.

Fleming was found busy writing and we assumed it was a report. It was in fact lyrics to the team song which was sung in chorus inside the dressing room. I was too busy shooting a video and could not be part of the festivities. Dhoni winked and suggested it to be put on the YouTube.

Apart from the fact, Stephen Fleming wrote a team song for the Chennai Super Kings, and that everyone sung it, this portrait of Dhoni that is slowly being painted is mostly one of gelled hair and winks. And paedophilia.

Please, somebody. Stop it.

Predictions with the aid of a psychic

I've had a long chat to a phone psychic about the games going on today. I might have spent over $100 trying to find the answers, but now I have hard proof to back my statements.

First of all, lovely England. I didn't have much time because stupid Iris kept stalling for time, but she did get one prediction through:
Ian Bell c Gayle b Edwards 3

At that point, I actually spent about 5 minutes laughing, and Iris billed for me it too, that stupid bitch. The only other comment she made was:

Better Morkel hits 51* off 23 balls

That's more like it.

Mumbai Indians

I don't really know what they're out to achieve with their string of losses and a score of 157 on the board. It's a good score and they can probably defend it against a team like Bangalore, but you never know these days. You just never know.

Funnily enough, I'm not actually watching the match. Hello delayed broadcast on ONE. Sigh. Don't care much, it's going to be pretty one-sided tonight. Delhi will climb to the top of the table with a match against Kolkata.

I wish Chennai played KKR more often.

Albie, you son of a gun

Did you see him bowl? Did you? Did you see him almost get Graeme Smith out first ball? Did you? DID YOU THEN SEE HIM GET OJHA OUT? Hahaha.

By the way Raj, I said I'd dedicate a post to you when Chennai won. Here it is. I hope you convert sometime soon because Chennai are likely to go to the semis and beat the crap out of every other team. Woohoo.

So Morne had been sent off and Shane Harwood brought in, a tactic to allow Badrinath to hit a mammoth over off him. That was funny, wasn't it? The Badri Assault, not to mention Haydos facing off Warnie and coming out the winner. So maybe he got out to Warnie, but he still hit him for six. Good times.

2 out of 2 for Chennai. That's looking good, considering they couldn't face Rajasthan last year.

Chennai were so good they didn't even need Dhoni or Albie to bat. Oram came in, and in the field he did some good work. Actually, they all did good work in the field, especially Raina. I've said this before but his weirdly shaped head is so much more endearing now.

So much for Chennai not being able to chase well. TAKE THAT, WARNIE. Chennai win... in your face.

Note: I'm choosing not to mention that highly disturbing over by Albie. My subconscious is helping me block it out.

HELLO FIELDING

Punjab want to field. This could go well for them if Deccan have another collapse and are all out for 120 or something. But if DC have a good day, and Gilly & Gibbs (sounds like some sort of accounting firm) go wild, then Punjab will be waiting for their big hitters to win it for them. It could happen. Last match they looked set to win, and Yuvraj got going, so I think perhaps Punjab could do it. God knows they need to.

NOOOOOO, I JUST SAID THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. $%!$%*#@!

I want KXIP to win. I just do. All that rain is getting to me.

Also, Brett Lee's playing. So much pretty hair on display, how will I cope? Not just that, he's bowling to Gilly first up.

Go Irfan. I hope someone bashes up Sreesanth, possibly Gibbs if he's been downing a few bottles prior to the match. Oh wait, he doesn't drink anymore. Damn. Or so he says.

Anyway, my lovelies, I might have had a little something to drink myself, which isn't the best of ideas considering I'm still sick. Don't care, CHENNAI ARE GOING TO WIN. Albie is going to hit big. This is his day. I can feel it in my toes.

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Also, just checking out Cricinfo my friends, HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN?

The bar is much frequented. Durban had a traditional one with wood panelling, where the likes of Glenn McGrath and Daniel Vettori played cards for hours together one evening.

I wish I were there.

Also, lol at AB trying not to look at pretty drunk women:

I even did an interview with AB de Villiers in the bar. It didn't feel great, asking about his routine before he faces the ball, as inebriated pretty women swayed away past us. AB showed immense composure and maturity to focus on his answers.

Didn't you know? AB's first and foremost wife is Jesus Christ, in flesh and spirit. Amen. Also, that's the same interview I linked to earlier today. Funny that.