The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

You're killing me, Albie

Or rather, he's killing himself. What is this injury, this mysterious injury that is plaguing him? It's not so much plaguing him as keeping him firmly tucked away on the sidelines hanging out with the other sick kids of the team, namely Haydos and Badrinath. Not to mention Makhaya Ntini, who is being paid a heck of a lot to act as the team jester for the tournament. Even I could juggle for the Chennai Super Kings if that's all they want out of him, and I'd do it for free.

Anyway, Dhoni says Hayden and Albie will be back for the semis:

"Albie Morkel and Badrinath had niggles and they didn't needed to be rested. We could have played them. We played Badri because we thought our batting would weaken if he is not there. Hayden will be fine. The physio has said so. We could have pushed him to play this match but it is good to have him for the semifinals."

George Bailey, meanwhile, has played more games than anyone ever thought he would. Was that his third last night? He certainly looked happy. But then again, he always looks happy so that's not much to go on.

The top bloke took quite a smashing by the otherwise weak Chennai batting order. Not that it mattered, because their bowling somehow saved them. Strange, that.

I bet you're wondering who top-scored for Chennai. It was Parthiv Patel. Yeah.

A Trip to the Apartheid Museum

Try to come up with the worst idea for a pre-match excursion with the rest of your IPL team.

If you came up with going to the Apartheid Museum, you're clearly VB Chandrasekar's soulmate:

Prior to that game in Jo’burg, we relaxed with trips to the Apartheid Museum and the shopping mall.

Let me say that again. They relaxed with a trip to the Apartheid Museum?

Only thing I can think is just how awkward would that have been for everyone involved? Especially Albie and Makhaya Ntini. Oh yeah, awkward. For more reasons than one which I'm sure you could imagine if you thought about possible scenarios at the museum for even a moment. That's a nightmare of an idea.

"After this, we're having a 16th Anniversary Post-Isolation braai!"

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

IPL Sample Match

In light of recent changes to the game, and the distress it causes me, I've come up with a sample of an innings commentary during one of this year's IPL matches. It's a pertinent point and besides, YOU KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN.

9.1 Gony to Shaun Marsh, 1 run, edged away to short leg. The crowd is just waiting for some excitement.

9.2 Gony to James Hopes, 1 run, fielded at Gully. Marsh on strike again.

9.3 Gony to Shaun Marsh, FOUR, full and wide, beautiful cover drive. The crowd is roaring here.

9.4 Gony to Shaun Marsh, SIX, full and too straight, smashed over deep mid wicket for one long boundary. Beautiful shot from Marsh.

9.5 Gony to Shaun Marsh, SIX, full toss, creamed over long on. The crowd are loving every minute of this.

9.6 Gony to Shaun Marsh, SIX, this is sensational! Would have been a wide, but Marsh guided it easily past cover.

Tactical time-out for teams. Drinks for players. Shaun Marsh has had a stellar over, 24 runs off it. Looks in form and able to continue with this hard hitting.

10.1 Ntini to James Hopes, nudged away to mid wicket for a single.

10.2 Ntini to Shaun Marsh, OUT, bowled him! Ball swings, Marsh goes for it and misses. Clumsy shot. Marsh out for 67.

Expect to see a lot more of those, folks. Because we can't have a match without interrupting each innings midway to squeeze in more ads.

Morne's shoes stolen

It's true to an extent. It's also the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

Morne Morkel's shoes were "stolen" or rather, misplaced, from the team's hotel Fourways. Morne was busy preparing for the last ODI at Wanderers and had left his equipment bag in the hotel lobby. According to him

“One moment my bag was still in the hotel lobby and the next it was nowhere to be found. One of the hotel workers had been spotted with it and somehow it landed on the same bus as the baggage for the Deccan Chargers.”

The hotel worker reportedly bore a remarkable resemblance to Albie Morkel.

The bag contained three pairs of Puma shoes, all of Morne's batting equipment, and his one-day uniform. It was found in Cape Town late Thursday afternoon and should arrive back to Morne Friday morning. Meanwhile, Morne has had to train in Ntini's shoes, but that's a bit of a problem because Morne descends from a family of ogres and has Size 12 shoes. Ntini has Size 10 shoes.

Poor Morne.

“My feet are full of blisters and it’s been a struggle walking."

HAHAHA, who am I kidding? This is hilarious.

I also just got a phone call from someone who spent 5 minutes laughing hysterically down the line, not saying a single word. You can bet who that was.

"So. Stressed. Small. Shoes."

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

Mark Boucher's Website

Yes, you knew it. Let me be honest from the get go here and say that Mark's website is a hell of a lot better than AB's or Jacques'. Especially Jacques'. I didn't laugh at Mark anywhere near as much as I laughed at the others, but there were still plenty of laughs to be had from his website. Plenty.

Mark is quite open about the fact that someone manages his website for him. It is a lady by the name of Kendra who is responsible for forwarding fan mail and questions to him. The site reveals more, such as the fact that AB got the idea for "Ask AB" from Mark, and in fact, the idea for having a website at all from Mark.

Mark is possibly the most normal senior member of the SA cricket team. He doesn't have crazy superstitions, isn't a muppet, doesn't seem to be lacking in brain cells, isn't a crazy religious junkie, hasn't raped anyone yet by my count, isn't tempted by the prospect of taking drugs while on an away tour, so I'd say this all equates to him being the most "normal" senior member of the team.

The About page is quite interesting. The first photo is of Mark as a, let's face it, fat child. He's a cute kid, but I appear to be looking directly at a growing beer belly in the photo.

The caption reads "Mark wearing his favourite Heidi t-shirt"

The About page has a lot of quotes from various people about how Mark is the best wicketkeeper South Africa has ever had, and related things. It also speaks of many records Mark has broken. At least he isn't simply unflappable and selflessly able to spend hours at the crease like Jacques Kallis.

But there's a very interesting comment on the page:

Boucher showed his leadership qualities when he talked to Herschelle Gibbs and got him to tell the truth about his match fixing.

...What? Is this The Mark Show or something? Why is he calling out Gibbs on this? As it turns out, this isn't the first example of Mark taking the moral high ground over people like Gibbs. he does it several times in other places too.

The Mark Show continues a little while later, at the expense of Shaun Pollock and Graeme Smith:

[He] led the team in tests four times. These matches included a victory over Australia, an achievement which neither Pollock nor current captain Graeme Smith can boast of.

This is a very 'ha ha I beat you' approach to take to a team member. If Graeme ever reads this, he's going to morph into a muppet and kill Mark.

Which one is Graeme?

Then there's a description of Mark which is hilarious:

He is well known for his tough, 'Australian-like' approach to the game and it has been said that he steps onto a cricket field like he owns it.

Funny, I've never noticed that before. I wonder who supposedly said it. And is acting like an Australian dickhead suddenly the new cool in cricket? I thought it induced threats of boycotts, not praise.

Like most wicketkeepers, he can often be heard to sledge the opposing team's batsmen. In a test match against Zimbabwe he started sledging Tatenda Taibu, the Zimbabwean wicket-keeper which included Boucher saying 'what's your average!'

Hahaha, good one! Let's really psych them out, Mark! What's your average!

There is even a Did you know? section at the bottom of the page:

• Our national keeper has a Gold award for Afrikaans Poetry in the Grahamstown Eisteddfod.
• Boucher was also a talented athlete having had a budding career as a high jumper.
• His favorite pastime at school was engraving his girl friends names onto the desks at school.
• Boucher broke a bone in his arm in his Matric year while performing a stage dive of historic proportions off a roof while playing a Guns ‘n Roses air guitar at a friend’s party.
• The little scar on his lip is not from some manly bar fight as he might claim but was caused by a nasty encounter with a trolley while racing at the Vincent Park shopping centre!

I don't even know how to respond to these. I love his favourite pasttime, however. Judging by all the list of achievements, however, I would have expected it to be "winning". And I cannot even begin to imagine what the "nasty encounter with a trolley" would entail. How do you even have a nasty encounter with a shopping trolley?

Among other things on Mark's site, there's a Fan Club page, where every week, a different fan is profiled on his site. This week it's Storm Pelser. She has captivating eyes that are similar to Mark Boucher's. And Alistair Cook's. I hope to be next week's fan of the week.

And now we're onto the Ask Mark page. It's the second best part of his site. A lot of it is fan mail, but there are some gems hidden in the Ask Mark section...

Q. During lunch breaks do you actually eat or do something else?
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA

Excellent question, Odette.

Q. Your website is 10,000 times better than AB's except for his videos!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA

Take that, AB! 10,000 times! Mark must be gloating.

Q. Who is your best friend in the team and who is the best bowler?
FROM DANIYAL MARK, PAKISTAN
I have lots of close friends in the team but I suppose I am closest to Jacques as we have played together for so long and live near to each other as well. I couldn't choose one particular bowler as they all have specific talents.

Just when you think he's normal, you find out Jacques is his best friend...

Q. Your sister Che is really gorgeous, please tell her.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
What and give her a big head...don't think so!! Okay I will tell her.

Funniest reply ever. Okay I will tell her.

There is even a follow-on Q&A from a fan named "Leesa Nottle". It begins with her saying this:

Q. My whole family is barracking for you guys. Keep it up know you can beat them in SA!
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Not too sure what barracking is but it sounds like a good thing so thank your family for their support from me.

Q. Barracking means we are supporting you guys. Kick butt in the ODI's.
FROM LEESA NOTTLE, AUSTRALIA
Good I thought it sounded worse, thanks for clearing that one up.

Awkward... If I were Mark, I would have just not posted that follow-up comment by Leesa and followed AB's lead in censorship.

Q. Do you like India and it's food. What is your height?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Definitely I love India and it's food. Back home I visit my local curry restaurant often as it is the nearest I get to proper Inidan food. My height is.......

His height is... dun dun DUN. This is more exciting than a James Bond movie.

Q. Is it true that you have retired from the game?
FROM MAVA MAHAMBA, SA
The last time I checked I was still playing. No plans to retire yet.

It's questions like these which make me think he's being far more tongue-in-cheek than AB would or Jacques could ever be.

Q. What is your favourite hobby and why?
FROM ROXY LIGHTFOOT, ZIMBABWE
Hi Roxy, how's it going there in Zim? If you can call Golf a hobby than that is mine.

Mark is so down with it he's abbreviated Zimbabwe. I wonder if Roxy send him a reply telling him how it's going in Zim.

Q. South African team is one of my favourites. What religion are you?
FROM SHIKHA PAL, INDIA
Hi Shikha, thanks for the vote. I am not particularly into any religion more than another but at the moment my religion is cricket!

See, better than AB, if it weren't for the cheesiness.

Q. Is "my boe"t afrikaans..what does it mean?
FROM DASUNI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Hi Dasuni. Firstly I would like to give you my condolences regarding the tragedy that happened at the Lahore stadium. The team and I are horrified and send you all our best wishes during this difficult time. My boet means my brother. Best wishes my boet. Mark

And Mark wins the award for THE most awkward segue ever.

Q. We met you when my son was playing squash at Londt Park. We are so proud of your success.
FROM DOREEN SEABORNE, SA
Hi Doreen, please send my regards to Ryan and thanks a lot for your support over the years.

Creepy. He knows the kid's name

Q. You are the sexiest man alive on planet earth!!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
Ha Ha thanks Madiha.
Ha ha, thanks! Madiha is quite the fan.

Q. Good luck and know that I am flying my SA flag high here in Qatar.
FROM CHANEL FLOYD, QATAR
Hi again Chanel...thanks for all your support from over there in Qatar. Hope you don't get into trouble flying another flag.

She will. The Flag Police are onto her.

Q. You are so witty and sweet especially answering all our questions. I'm rooting for you guys.
FROM HARINI BAPTIST, SRI LANKA
Words can't describe how you must be feeling after the trajedy at Lahore. The boys and I wish you, the team and the country all the best during this nightmare. All the best. Mark

If someone started spouting a spiel about how I'm living in a NIGHTMARE, I'd be terrified. Why does Mark keep making such terrible segues such to express his humanity?

Q. The broadcaster won't show us games so please use your bat to hit him he must be standing nearby.
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
That's ridiculous...what's the problem with them? Wish I could help.

Funniest question ever, which explains why Mark had no idea how to reply to that. What's the problem with them?

Q. It's great watching you from Oz. Hope you get on top of this run chase.
FROM JADE HEEPS, AUSTRALIA
So do I!! Thanks for the support from Oz. How about sending us some pics so we can SEE who our Aussie fans are?

He asks for someone else to send photos also. This is getting quite creepy. Soon he'll be demanding young girls send him photos of themselves

Q. Ur always great to watch AB ain't bad either. What's your favourite food?
FROM KING KHAN, UK
Thanks mate. I love sushi.

Wasn't expecting that response...

Q. Just been on AB's site but I love your site more. Don't tell AB. Ha Ha
FROM ODETTE OLIVIER, SA
OOPS.. too late.Hee Hee

Odette is weird as shit. Mark's "Hee Hee" is weirder.

Q. Have you ever taken drugs?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, ST LUCIA
No I think it is the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. Have never understood why people do it.

HI HERSCHELLE.

Q. What would you do if not cricket? Pls tell Dale he's cute..so are you.
FROM ZAINAB IRFAN, PAKISTAN
Well I'd like to think I could have been a golfer but who knows if I would have made it. Will pass the message onto Dale.

Will he really? That would be the most awkward conversation ever. "Hey Dale, Zainab from Pakistan says you're cute." "...Right."

Q. So glad you guys wrapped up the series. Being an Indian I support you coz ur so hard working!
FROM MADIHA BASHEER, SAUDI ARABIA
How's it Madiha, what's it like living in Saudi? Thanks for your support.

I dunno. Pretty much the same as living in any other part of the world.

Q. You are officially my favourite wickie now that Gilly is gone. Do you miss him?
FROM JEANAN YASSEN, AUSTRALIA
Gilly is a fantastic cricketer so yes I guess I miss the professional rivalry. He is a top bloke and he also sent me a message of congratulations when I got my record. I wish him all the best.

AHH, TOP BLOKE.

Q. Although I'm Australian well done for the wins. Why does everyone ask about AB love your replies.
FROM ANASTASIA THOMPSON, AUSTRALIA
Thanks God he's got his own website now so he can answer all the gals himself!!!

But half your traffic has now gone to AB's site, Mark.

Q. You questioned Sandy over what kind of smoking...do you have something to admit?
FROM SARAH DUNN, UK
No I was only kidding around Sarah. Being a professional sportsman I do NOT dabble in anything stupid like that.

HELLO AGAIN, HERSCHELLE.

Q. You and Jacques have almost ticked off all on your wish list.What does Ja mean?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Ja nearly. It means yes...south african style.

Cue Hawaiian music and a beach setting.

Q. I love SA! Does Vaughan Van Jaarsveld have his own website?
FROM ROSHANI JAY, AUSTRALIA
Glad you like SA it's a beautiful place to be. Not sure if he has one..don't think so.

I'm going to hound him with questions and messages for Vaughn so that he'll beg him to start his own website.

Q. Would you be my best man at my wedding to Graeme?
FROM SEALANI BALI, INDIA
For sure!!!

This is perfect by itself.

. Have you ever tried smoking?
FROM SANDY RICHARDS, NEW ZEALAND
Hi Sandy, what type of smoking do you mean? Ha Ha. No I don't like smoking at all.

UNLIKE HERSCHELLE

Q. Are you married or do you have a girl friend?
FROM FRAN MORTON, SA
How's it Fran? No not married, this is a difficult life for anyone to endure so we will have to wait and see.

KP agrees with you entirely.

Q. Sorry to hear about your toe am sure AB will do a great job. Please give him my email address?
FROM EMMA DOBBIE, AUSTRALIA
Thanks Emma. The good news is that AB has his own website now so you girls can ask him all these things yourself now. Cool or what.

First of all, Emma is hilarious. Secondly, cool or what!

Q. am so glad you won. 4get about AB tell Albie he rocks and you of course.
FROM FAY W, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fay. I will be delighted to tell Albie as I think he rocks too.

That's right, 4get about AB, this is the only good fan mail of the lot. I bet Mark didn't tell Albie anything, just like he didn't tell Dale he was cute.

Q. Can you ask the Morkels if they remember a sign that read Morkels=speed of light please?
FROM FLEUR MATHEWS, AUSTRALIA
Hi Fleur...like the wording...where's my sign?

I can make a better Morkel sign than that. "MORNE: DROPPED"

Q. My mum thinks you are good looking!
FROM YASMINE FINCHUM, AUSTRALIA
Well she's got good taste what can I say? Just kidding please tell your mum a big thank you.

Now Yasmin's dad is coming for Mark.

Q. Have you ever been a nuaghty boy and caught up in a tabloid scandal?
FROM DAVID BROWN, UK
Of course not David!!! So far so good.....

Has Mark ever been a "naughty boy"...

And now for the BEST PART of the site: The Gallery. Here's some of the best:

Mark and Andre Nel. Yeah. Weird.

I would never post this up on my own website.

If Jacques were closing in on my sister, I'd be worried.

Scarily enough, they almost look like a normal couple here. But we know the truth.

Christmas dinner. HI MORNE, WHERE'S ALBIE?

Albie's busy signing autographs with a special needs fan, Kyle.

(There's more photos of Kyle up on the site)

Mark follows team mates into the bathroom.

And gives AB a haircut with his "new found skills".

I've left the worst photo until last. The only worse person who could be in that bath is Jacques Kallis.

And that is Mark Boucher's site. In a few days or weeks time, you may find he has answered a question I sent in. I'll be very interested in seeing his response.

(Blogger's being a little mediocre and posting parts of this as a giant chunk. I'm working on fixing that.)

Australia sets record in Durban ODI

Apparently Australia's 141 run defeat of South Africa was the highest ever winning margin against South Africa. The last time they whipped SA so badly was in 1993-94, when they beat them by 103 runs in Sydney.

SA is hoping to get Kallis back for the next ODI, and they're likely to drop either Ntini or Morne Morkel, as they both went for quite a few runs. If South Africa is going to replace someone based solely on their effort in the last ODI, then it should be Ntini who goes. His economy rate of 7.44 for 1 wicket was severely inferior to Morne's 2 wickets for 6.10.

Brothers over rapists, anyday.

Bingo, Clarke is Out (Accidental Live-Blogging)

Up goes the finger, Ntini strikes early, Duminy takes an easy catch at second slip, and Clarke is out in the second over, leaving them at 2/1. Ponting walks out looking Punterish. He won the fucking toss, didn't he? Now why is this happening? After the match he will take a leaf out of Katich's book and choke Clarke to teach him a lesson.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.

Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?

AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.

Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.

I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.

Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.

Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.

Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4

Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.

David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.

Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.

Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.

Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.

HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.

ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.

Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.

By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.

Microsleep...

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win

Obligatory Pre-Rehab Post on CSK before I disappear.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• They have a player named Napoleon Einstein.
• Freddie's on the team.
• Albie is on the team.
• Jacob Oram won't be too busy avoiding Test cricket.
• Dhoni's hair is no longer a separate entity to his body.
• Albie & Makhaya Ntini will be there for the entire tournament.
• Matthew Hayden and Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• Warnie's a wanker.
• They beat Kings XI by 9 wickets.
• They only lost the final in the last ball.
• There is only one Englishman on the team.
• Albie will be sending texts from "Nurse Saskia" to Warnie during the games.
• Manpreet Gony is feeling good today.
• They don't slap each other.
• They don't cry.
• I want them to.
  

Why the Chennai Super Kings will lose:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• Stephen Fleming is New Zealander.
• Makhaya Ntini is a rapist.
• There is one Englishman on the side.
• Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament (NO HE'S NOT, I'M AN EVIL WOMAN.)
• Freddie won't be there for the entire tournament.
• They lost the final to a team captained by a wanker.
• Manpreet Gony is married to Manpreet Kaur.
• It is owned by India Cements.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• The universe is against me.

Napoleon Einstein - my new best friend