Spotto

While I'm busy wading through the comments you guys have left, here's a Spotto from Boncam.

Spotted: Paul Harris cheering himself up without AB's help.

If that is Paul Harris, which it certainly seems to be.

The Unpopularity of Albie Morkel

I actually just noticed a poll on SuperSport, which is of course a South African site so the SA public must frequent it quite a bit, asking people to vote for the SuperSport Fans' Cricketer of the Year. According to them:

The winner will be announced at the 2008/2009 Cricket Awards Ceremony in June - so go on & make your vote count!

I glance down and what I'm met with is a selection of players, Albie being one of them. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about a poll like this, but it seemed necessary to do my bit to make sure Albie wins this award, whatever it is. So off I go, voting for him, up come the results, and to MY EXTREME HORROR, it is as follows:

Graeme Smith 7%
AB de Villiers 47%
Albie Morkel 1%
Ashwell Prince 1%
Dale Steyn 3%
Hashim Amla 4%
Herschelle Gibbs 6%
Jacques Kallis 1%
JP Duminy 24%
Johan Botha 4%
Lonwabo Tsotsobe 0%
Makhaya Ntini 1%
Mark Boucher 1%
Morne Morkel 0%
Neil McKenzie 1%
Paul Harris 0%
Wayne Parnell 0%

Do you see that set of disgusting results? Out of a total of 135 votes so far, 47% are all over AB de fucking Villiers, and a mere 1% for Albie. This is an outrage. Albie is on an equal standing with Ashwell Prince, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher. So a useless vice-captain, a fat fuck, a rapist, a player who may or may not be retired but nobody gives a shit anyway, and Mark Boucher, who I won't exactly say anything bad about.

The only people less popular than Albie are Tsotsobe, younger brother Morne, Paul Harris and Wayne Parnell. Paul Harris, people. When you're only marginally better than Paul Harris, you ought to be worried.

But the biggest kick of all might be seeing Johan Botha at 4%. Now I know this isn't an official take on the popularity of these cricketers, and only 135 people have voted so far, but if there's going to be an award involved then it better fucking go to Albie so I can one day write up a post about it and gloat as he betters AB. It's what I do.

So what I'm asking all of you to do is to go there and vote for Albie. He needs you, my dear friends. He really does. Help Albie become more popular than JACQUES KALLIS, and assist me in overthrowing AB.

If you - no, when you - vote for Albie, do tell me and you'll win a wonderful PRIZE. Yes, there's a prize involved. Details will be revealed soon. Now go vote for Albie and help him win this useless award. And if you're a sick bastard who can't do this little thing for me, at least vote for JP Duminy, because he's the next most worthy player there.

Paul Harris & AB de Villiers: The Love Saga Hits a Bump

No, not a baby bump. AB's still a man, I'll have you know. This is a different kind of a bump. A Dale Steyn sized bump. While Paul isn't looking, AB's been sneaking in some loving cuddles with Dale, impressed by his manly abilities to wrestle crocodiles. In fact, AB and Steve Irwin once had a passionate fling on a secluded island in the Pacific Ocean, but that's an entirely different story...

For the moment, join me in calling out AB on his treachorous ways, and send Paul dozens of emails about the affair. AB and Paul Forever. With a capital 'f'.

Kind of like a trophy wife, only not.

It's okay Dale, you can tell us. What do you want to do to AB's mouth?

"AB, open your mouth wider. I love it when you look like carnival clown head. Tonight I'm throwing balls down it."

AB is trying to keep Dale to himself, but Dale's more interested in others...

Rough, but passionate. Just look at the way he clasps Dale's head.

"OMG YOU LIKE TATER TOTS TOO???"

"Dale, I love you and want to fornicate with you frequently." - Love, AB

First to the scene when it comes to congratulating Dale, that's AB for you.

AB's looking quite curvacious there. The hormone therapy is working.

if AB's already getting the oestrogen shots, where does Dale fit into this? More importantly, where does Paul fit into all of this? Stay tuned, I'll go to the ends of the world to find out the ending to this love story.

And for the photos, we have the lovely Q to thank. He has the most extensive AB/Dale/Paul photo collection in all of bloggerdom.

AB practises his mothering skills

Preparing for a lifetime of devotion to Paul, AB is shaping up his mothering skills, starting with a disobedient cricket ball.

"To the naughty corner!"

Paul Harris & AB de Villiers: The Love Saga Continues

Thanks to Q, my collection of tender moments between the pair has grown. In fact, Q was kind enough to bombard me with an assortment of Paul Harris and AB photos which I will cherish to my dying days. They are, in a word, magnificent. Epic. Spanning continents and time. And I am now more sure than ever that the love story between these two South African cricketers is a story that deserves to be told.

In a world of LGBT rights, it's not only acceptable, but my duty to present these photos to the world and make known the power of AB's love for Paul. AB and Paul. Those names will look good on a wedding invitation.

That's what I want to look like on my wedding day.

Many years on, the love still remains.

They have this one game, "Who's Flying Into Daddy's Arms?" which they will also play with their children.

"Goddamn, I love you! SMELL ME! NOW!"

AB: "Back off, Bouch, you're interrupting our private moment."

Paul is the man in this relationship.

I think I feel a Celine Dion song coming on.

AB clings to Paul's neck, feeling the passion between them.

Even in old age, they will love each other.

However, don't be fooled by all this love. There is a deep and dark force at work which threatens to overthrow their relationship. It is known by the name of Crocodile Hunter.

That is, South African Crocodile Hunter.

Paul Harris & AB de Villiers: The Love Saga

Something is going on. It can't not be going on. In fact, I seem to be seeing a lot of this lately.

A while ago, I posted a photo of AB and Paul Harris that seemed to be more than an innocent cuddle:

And now it has progressed:

Cricket is famous for its love stories. Recently, someone arrived to my site searching for "cricket man love" so it's certainly a popular topic. I want AB de Villiers and Paul Harris to have the love story that no other players could have. And I want to document it.

So if you see any more photos of these two in which they reveal more emotion than they should, send them to me or send a link. Do it for these two. Let them be the Romeo and Romeo of cricket. The Antony and Antony. Do your little bit to make their world a brighter place.

Albie Morkel's Test Debut

I waited for this for too long. It might not have been documented here, but... too long. At first it seemed almost impossible to dream up a sequence of events which would land Albie a PRIZED TEST SPOT. Meanwhile, his inappropriately-named younger brother (in that he is nowhere near as evil as his name suggests) Morné was hanging out with Ntini and Smith and basically HAVING A BLOODY GOOD TIME.

So, says Albie, what to do? What to do? He's 27 and stuck in a fucking ODI squad. The Indians adore him. DIDN'T THEY PAY MORE FOR ME THAN FOR MY BROTHER? he says.
Yes, Albie, yes they did. But they also paid more for Jacques Kallis than they did for you. So that doesn't count.

But, cries Albie, DON'T I HIT BIG SIXES? AM I NOT A PROLIFIC SCORER? FUCK, THEY SAID I WAS THE NEXT LANCE KLUSENER.
Yes, I agree, but Lance was one of the oafs who lost South Africa the 1999 World Cup. Remember that, Albie?

WELL.... FUCK, he finally concedes.
I agree, I say. But, I have a cunning plan to put into effect which may get you into the Test squad. As I smile my mysterious and slightly creepy smile, Albie looks up slowly, a glint in his eyes. A slow smile spreads onto his face, and I know what he is thinking. It is exactly what I am thinking. We will take down Morné. Oh yes, we'll make sure he spends the rest of his life eating lobster mornay, watching Albie smash the ball on telly. Brilliant. Cunning. Those are two words often used to describe me.

A trip to Mike Procter's office and a hypnotist later, it appears Morné has been dropped from the squad. Oh woe! What will we do! He showed promise, so much promise, our gargantuan fast bowler, and now he's been DROPPED! Sorry, says Albie to his younger brother, secretly hiding his smile of glee. Maybe I shouldn't have told you to pitch anything but a good length. I thought it would through the Aussies off, but it appears they just smashed you for fours all around the ground.
BUT I WORKED SO HARD, Morné says. I ALWAYS THINK BEFORE BOWLING.
Well, says Albie, so did Shane Warne. But he thought about hot English nurses, Mornee-Wornee, not cricket.
Morné sighs dejectedly and cries himself to sleep that night in AB's arms. He is so glad AB de Villiers is his roommate. He spoons better than women.
Meanwhile, me and Albie are PARTYING in my house. SHAKE YO BOOTY, Albie screams in delight. I remind him he is married. Nevertheless, we party because very soon, Albie will be DEBUTING, OH YEAH.

"All you need is love, love, love."

So, talking seriously. How was Albie? He was alright. Good, even. A 58 on debut is bloody brilliant, but not as brilliant as, say, Marcus North's century, or Phil Hughes' duck. Even the duck was better than a half century. Why, you ask? Well, we all knew Hughes was going to come back again anyway. Hussey has been out of form for a while yet HE hadn't been dropped. Yet.

Albie had seen how quick the selectors were to freak out and dump McKenzie and Morné. If he really wanted to cement his place in the team he needed something AMAZING. MIND BLOWINGLY GOOD, actually. And I'm afraid 1 wicket and 58 runs doesn't quite cut it. Okay, well, the batting definitely cuts it. South Africa needs a player like him to cut in in the tail and blow the opposition's guts out. In all formats of the game, it seems.

But the bowling. 1 wicket. That hurts to look at. Harris the Monster is running around squealing in delight because he's jumped into No.8 in the top ten bowlers in the world. Hilarious. Meanwhile, Albie needed some sort of miracle Test in terms of bowling. Ponting's wicket is great, but what about the rest? Granted, he didn't get as many opportunities to cause damage as the attacking bowlers did, but he went for a few runs along the way as well. He isn't as naturally talented as Morné is, but he's more mentally prepared for bowling to a good opposition. We needed something special.

I've been waiting for Albie Morkel to debut in a Test for almost as long as I've been a cricket fan. It's pretty long. And with South Africa's explosion of excellent cricketers in recent times, to maintain a fixed place in the team, he needed to produce something extra special. Maybe he did cut it, maybe he didn't. We won't know until closer to the England series anyway. In the meantime, he's most definitely in the ODI and T20 squads, so hurray for that.

Besides, we all know he's going to blast Australia for a dozen sixes in one match, and that's ALL THAT MATTERS.

"I like to move it, move it."