Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

Phil's Baggy Green Fetish

Before I allow myself to collapse in a heap of exhaustion, I simply must share this rather creepy interview with little Phil Hughes which sees his eyes zoning out for a moment as he describes in excruciating detail the ritual of sniffing his baggy green that he regularly performs.

It's kind of freaky, like something a sex-obsessed teenage boy would do, only replacing the baggy green with something far different. In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Phil lets his alter ego poke through:

"I keep it locked away in a pouch in the top left-hand corner of my wardrobe. Every day I make sure it's there. I'll have a peek. It might be in the morning, at night, or even if I'm having a coffee, I'll walk upstairs and look at it. I'll smell it sometimes. It smells like alcohol because of the couple of wins we had in the first Tests in South Africa."

The mental image of Phil furtively sniffing his cap is not one I'd like to keep. If this is what he does to his baggy green, what would he do if he ever got his hands on the Ashes urn alone in a room? Actually, don't even think about that. You might say he's just enthusiastic about living the Aussie dream, but the great Australian dream is to own a house with a decent-sized backyard and I don't see anyone else humping the playset in the backyard. When you start sniffing things, I think it's safe to say you're going a little overboard. Or when you publicly admit to sniffing something.

So while Phillip guards his baggy green under lock and key, occasionally springing surprise checks on it to make sure it hasn't escaped his clutches, I can't help but wonder whether there have been similarly enthusiastic cricketers in past years.

He wants to touch it all over.

Phil Hughes on Sunday Night on Sunday night

I couldn't resist that title, nor a general write-up of the interview, seeing as there are so few.

Before I say anything else, Sunday Night were also airing a piece on "Saving Amy Winehouse" tonight. Coincidence? I think not. They knew I'd be watching.

The interview is a bit on the annoying side. There's a whole lot of Phillip montages accompanied by completely inappropriate dramatic music as they go through his life story. And there's even cheesy jokes about his BANANA! background, including:

"What does it take to make a champion? Answer: bananas. Lots of them. Twelve hectares of them."

That's alongside the opening shot of Phil on the farm with his dad, chopping down some bananas and laughing happily as he celebrates the finer aspects of life. But wait, it's time for another banana joke.

"Phil collects bananas like he collects runs."

Good one.

So as we go through the epic story of his life, Phil tells us that throughout his life, it was playing older guys consistently that gave him the confidence he has. And he speaks of the moment he was presented with his baggy green:

"I was actually shaking when I received it. I was speechless."

Don't let the interview get too serious yet because it's time to show Phil being paraded around his local ground on a green ute, wearing a suit, D&G sunnies, and holding a microphone in his hand. There's also Phil in V-necks, which don't quite gel with his Macksville country boy image. The only consistent portrayal of him is the one of him being a "smiling assassin" - as first stated by Justin Langer. Says Phil of his tendency to smile at the opposition on the pitch:

"There's nothing else to do, so I just smile at them."

You do. And if viewers don't believe him, Channel 7 throw in a dozen shots of Phil smiling.

There's an interesting shot of newspaper clippings probably from the town paper during Phil's early years. At age 11, he was being compared to Don Bradman, but then again, it is a town paper, and he was their only star. To help bring out more country superstars, Phil has set up a scholarship for country boys to help them gain greater access to the cricketing world and assist them in their passage to stardom. That's a pretty nice thing to do, especially so soon after bursting onto the international stage. It's almost better than Run Ricky Run.

And then comes the inane stuff again. Suddenly, the suits are off, the sunglasses are put away, and Phil is on horseback, cantering steadily through the countryside with a cowboy hat, complete with soft guitar music to enhance the setting.

Mike Munro takes the opportunity to hit on Phil's mum (who, by the way, never calls him Phil, only Phillip) when he mentions Phil's smile yet again: "Well, we know where he gets that from, don't we?" Phil's mum giggles a little, Mike flexes his muscles. Phil attacks Munro with his machete.

To end it all, there's the obligatory question of whether he dreams of captaining Australia. Definitely, says Phil. He hopes to some day, when he's older. For now, he's just living the dream.

It's Phil the banana farmer.

England's Worst Nightmares Come True

Phil Hughes has been keeping notes on England's bowlers... and Andrew Strauss.

Already, national selectors are crying out in outrage, demanding Middlesex hire a hitman to get rid of Hughes before he gets to the WAG training camp and passes on this secret information to Ponting. The ECB had dispatched Andre Nel to do the dirty work for them, but he failed, having had an attack of the Gunther which rendered him unable to come within 5 metres of Phil Hughes without being repelled by a powerful magnetic force.

So it's up to Middlesex, or this little fellow will be spilling the beans in a highly competitive Ashes year. Because England's fears weren't irrational from the start, right? Clearly Middlesex were out to fuck up the national team's chances of beating Australia.

From SMH, in an article which slightly takes the piss out of the poms:

"I'll be talking to the boys about a few things that happened over there. The second championship game we played, I got to meet him [Strauss] a couple of days before the game, and then we got to bat together for nearly a whole day. We spent a fair bit of time together."

You see that? He'll be talking to the boys. Better get him in a "freak accident" on the banana farm before it's too late.

"Thing is, though, and no one has even mentioned it, I batted with him for so long, I got the chance to look at him, too."

The only question that remains is, when will Geoff Miller get on Middlesex's case about this if he hears about it? And will the Wing Commander come out with a few comments of his own relating to having observed Hughes for a lengthy period of time? Questions, questions, questions.

Also, be sure to catch the interview with Phil on Sunday Night. I saw the previews for it and it looks horrifying.

Top Banana

I don't quite know what to make of this article, and our very own farmer boy Phillip Hughes.

Apart from carrying on the legacy of the Hughes family banana fetish, Phil reckons he wants to retire to Macksville and run a stud cattle farm.

"Hopefully we will have a pretty big property and have stud cattle on there. That's my dream."

Keep in mind not all Australians are farmers.

Phil Hughes has gone from shitting himself with glory in England to lugging bananas around with his dad, ahead of the Ashes training camp (which appears to be a conservative dickhead's version of the crazy military in-the-bush camp before the '07 Ashes). But which life does he prefer? THE BANANA ONE, OF COURSE. I'm trying to slip in the word banana as many times as I can, just because it sounds ridiculous.

If nothing else is of interest to you, let it be known that Phil Hughes has a machete. I'm excited. That has always been my weapon of choice.

The BANANA! interview is going to be broadcast on Sunday Night on Channel 7. "Sunday Night" the show, not the day, although it is also the date. I've never watched it because it seems like Today Tonight for the weekend, but if they can get Kevin Rudd to throw shitstorms around the place, surely they can extract some useful information from Hughes.

As it turns out, they have. The bogans are already onto him about his ear piercing:

"Yeah, when I get back there's a bit of cheek there. They ask if I have turned into a city boy now."

"Ya turned into a city boy now, mate?" Said in a very real Aussie twang you find in country towns, and not the normal accent Phil Hughes has, because if Phil Hughes has an Aussie twang, so do I and fuck me if I'm going to say I do. Clearly the broad Australian accent is more appropriately described as a "twang".

BANANA.

Bitter Owais Shah Looks For Revenge

Mesmerising everyone with his rather large eyes, Owais Shah is out for revenge against the ECB. The place to start is defending his county's decision to take on Phil Hughes prior to the Ashes. For the unitiated, the best way to do this is to remove one of England's possible avenues for excuse if they happen to lose the Ashes series. Here's how you do it, Owais-style:

"I don't think you can say that because this one guy has come in and played with us for six or seven weeks, it's going to tip the Ashes in their favour or our favour. It runs deeper than that."

He continued, "In fact, you're only going to lose the series if your number 3 is an incompetent asshole, so we'd better hope England doesn't have one like that, eh?" Oh Shah, I know where you're going with this. It's alright, we understand. Ravi's not going into hiding either, he knows what a great person you are.

Meanwhile, it turns out Kevin Pietersen's Achilles' heel is in fact his Achilles tendon. Apparently he'd "disappointed" he won't get to play the Windies in the ODI series. Bullshit, he's the luckiest guy on the team and I think everyone knows it. Wouldn't Strauss just love to skip this pointless contest against a country they don't particularly rate, having now jumped their way to 5 in the ICC Test ratings.

On the other hand, England could very much want to play this series against WI. It's been a while since they've won anything for an extended period of time. Plus, it'll boost their career figures a little, particularly for the newer players. Wouldn't a 5-for do Tim Bresnan a whole lot of good ahead of his fight with Freddie for a place in England's side. Some fight that'll be.

"VOT?!"

Oh, the drama

The Ashes squad is to be announced tomorrow. The players are going to be dutifully waiting for the phone call which will determine the outcome of their life. Really, truly. It's that important if you're keen to blow it out of proportion as I often do.

It's mostly only the allrounder spots that are in contention, the rest seems pretty clear cut. Or at least, enough to make a likely decision about which players should be named in the touring squad. Personally, I think that Andrew Symonds might not make the cut this time, but if I were picking the team, I'd probably have him in the mix because he has proven in the past he can be an influential player.

Our spin bowling is still looking weak, and it will remain weak for the entire series. And this is while we're hearing news that the English are probably going to be preparing wickets with enough turn in them to sufficiently assist spinners. Oh dear. I don't particularly fear for our pace bowlng attack, but when it comes to spin, you could hardly call it an "attack", could you? It's more like a one-person tobogganer trying to make their way down a steep mountain.

Apparently our openers have been getting chummy lately. It's good to hear Katich can be friendly with someone on the team, although I think it does help that Hughes is not a pansy like dear old Pup. He smokes in the outfield, you know. Clarke would never do that.

Over in Macksville...

We take our cricket very seriously, us Aussie twangs:

"It's not unusual to find someone having a smoke when they're in the outfield."

Says Phil, surreptitiously sneaking a joint of his own in during a county match. As it turns out, it's so damn foggy and dreary out there, nobody can see him doing so.

Altogether now

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Caught an early morning flight to Brisbane for work, yes BRISBANE. I've afraid to go out tonight in case the rednecks get me. But that's why this is just going to be a quick post in which I try encompass everything I am feeling at the very moment.

AB's 79 off 55. Why, world, why? You'd think God was spiting me or something, which I believe he is.

Bryce McGain thinks he's still in with a chance, over at SMH. Freddie thinks England have to be "fearless without being reckless" in order to win the Ashes. Which brings me to...

Phil Hughes. Ah, you'll hear that name often. His batting is so endearingly ugly I can't help but like him. His fifty-over critics have been silenced by a hard hit 119 from 112 balls for Middlesex. There is seriously something about Hughes which indicates to me he's got the necessary skills to take over the world. If I were him, I'd be planning it already.

The thing about Phil is that his batting is so incredibly unorthodox and he is so bloody short that nobody can find any appropriate way to describe him. Journalists and commentators have taken to calling his style "swashbuckling". I laugh in their faces.

That's all from me. I won't be on too much in the next few days either so don't cry if you fail to get your daily fix of Amy. I'll try talking cricket whenever I can.

How is Phil doing?

In the two one-day matches he has played for Middlesex, little Phillip has scored a total of 18 runs. 7 in one, and 11 in the other, falling to Andre Nel. Aside from the fact that this proves my theory that England have hired the services of Gunther to kill Phil before the Ashes, there are a few people beginning to call his limited over skills "mediocre".

Clearly they've never seen him play anything but Test matches before.

To get to where he is, Phil has played a number of one-day matches for NSW, 21 in fact. He averages close to 40 in these, and while he hasn't scored a century which is understandable, he has converted about a quarter of his total chances into half centuries or more. When I spent a few months down in Melbourne a few years ago, I once watched him, at the age of 18, hit 68 in a match in which the Bushrangers crushed the Blues. That same match, he volunteered to be wicketkeeper for about 10 overs after Haddin was hurt, and he did a good job. That also happened to be his debut one-day match. After an excruciatingly long losing streak by the Blues, even the loss that day wasn't quite so bad because it was clear Phil Hughes would one day grow up to be able to do anything.

In any case, he's suited to the longer form of the game. We all know that, it's what he's been primed for in the last few years. And that's where he continues to succeed immeasurably. As for his one-day career, it's still fairly short as of yet and there's a good many years left in Phil to succeed even in that format of the game.

So he's not worried. I am, but only because Gunther's coming to get him, and that's an entirely separate matter altogether.

"Worried? Nah. I'm going to kick ass."

The Secret Life of Jaques

What he says:

"It is obviously very disappointing. I suppose I have lost my contract because I've had injuries this past year. All I want to do is get back on the park. When I am fit and healthy I will put scores on the board, I know that."

What he's thinking:

"Kill Phil."

It could be a movie, if Uma Thurman were willing to take part. A hunt between the two Phils. How dare a midget he once gave handy batting tips to take his contract?

In this situation, I'm going to have to side with Phil Hughes, but let's not forget that Jaques is a martyr in his own right. Remember the Shield match against the Inbreds in January? You might remember it for Phil Hughes' 151, but that day his team mate was out there struggling for his team too. It was Phil Jaques, ever the hero adorned with a back brace:

"I was under the influence of cortisones. I was pretty desperate to get back on the park, and I wanted to do what was right by the team - Matthew Hayden was injured."

So while I do feel for poor Phil Jaques, especially as he's done the Blues a whole lot of good, there's always the fact to consider that at least Hughesy's back isn't fucked. And at the end of the day, that's what it comes down too.

Although, the folks at CA must have had a hard night of drinks before they picked some of the central contract players. It's not so much who they picked, but who they chose over another or chose to omit.

No obvious weakness in Phil Hughes

I said so, I really did. Whether it's entirely true remains to be seen, but by god, it seems to be true. Says Warnie:

"No doubt England's coaches will be looking at footage of Hughes's test matches against South Africa, as well as studying his performances for Middlesex. I could save them the trouble and say that there are no obvious weaknesses for them to find. Most important of all, he seems to be as mentally tough as they come."

He also thinks that England will attack us with spin. How ominous:

"Now that Graeme Swann has established himself in the team and Monty Panesar is
waiting in the wings, I think there's a real possibility that England will take on Australia with two spinners in their side."

Well, if England were smart, that's what they'd do.

We Are One

But we are many, and from all the states in Australia we come.

I am talking of the Australian cricketers to get a central contract, of course. And I am also breaking into song to express my condolences that in the space of a year, suddenly spinning is dead in Australia.

Of a list of 25, there is 1 specialist spinner. One. Think of the most insignificant, most NOTHING spinner to head our pathetic spinning attack (not that they want attacking spinners of course, they "go for too many runs". Spinners are just for containing now, sorry you wicket takers) and you may get Nathan Hauritz.

He is it, and that is it. Fuck off, says Cricket Australia. You learn to spin and we'll give you money, that's how it works.

We have better wicketkeepers than spinners, that's how bad it's become. Although not as bad as actually picking Andrew McDonald. When will CA learn? What does anyone see in him? Absolutely nothing worthwhile, he's just got a couple of half-baked skills. I guess that makes him a half-baked potato. Thank god he isn't one of the Blues or I'd have spent the past few years hanging my head in shame.

2009-10 contract holders: Doug Bollinger (NSW), Nathan Bracken (NSW), Stuart Clark (NSW), Michael Clarke (NSW), Callum Ferguson (SA), Brad Haddin (NSW), Nathan Hauritz (NSW), Ben Hilfenhaus (Tas), Brad Hodge (Vic), James Hopes (Qld), Phillip Hughes (NSW), David Hussey (Vic), Michael Hussey (WA), Mitchell Johnson (WA), Simon Katich (NSW), Brett Lee (NSW), Graham Manou (SA), Shaun Marsh (WA), Andrew McDonald (Vic), Marcus North (WA), Ricky Ponting (Tas), Peter Siddle (Vic), Andrew Symonds (Qld), Shane Watson (NSW), Cameron White (Vic).

Shaun Tait isn't on it. Now's a good time for him to come out and announce he only ever liked T20 anyway: "It's a better decision for me. I'm actually glad they made that decision, so no hard feelings there. Heh...heh..."

And, well, Callum Ferguson is on the list, as is Siddle, North, and all-time winner Hughes. Graham Manou is boosting the rock solid position the invincible Brad Haddin occupies. Well fuck me. Phil Jaques and Beau Casson don't make the cut. Here we go.

Adam Voges, meanwhile, has just pissed off the selectors.

How well do you know Phil Hughes?

A new quiz which will surely sort out his real fans from the poser fans, and then some.

What is Hughes' favourite sandwich?

a) BLT

b) Chicken, lettuce, mayo

c) Chicken, lettuce, balsamic vinegar

d) Turkey, lettuce, tomato

Tick tock, tick tock. Time's running out.

If you answered c) you're correct. If you answered anything else you're a Tasmanian.

Trying not to think of sandwiches during practice.

LOL Saturday

Calling Phil Hughes the next Bradman and then going on to say he'll struggle against England's swing bowling. Or even any of England's bowlers.

You can't go past it.

I seem to have developed some irreversible faith in Hughes which ensures that he will outscore Andrew Strauss in the Ashes.

English Winners

Never thought I'd put those two words next to each other, did you? But I have. Because winning by 10 wickets is a bloody good way to start things, even if a lot of that was caused by an incredibly mediocre performance by the West Indies.

Although I hear they were a little worried hearing they'd have to make 32 to win. Knowing their royal collapses, that was enough to put a little doubt into their minds.

I just really like Ravi Bopara. He certainly doesn't look like the other Number 3s they could have gone with, and he isn't quite so likely to forget which team he's on and guide the ball to the stumps either. Plus, he can bowl a bit and field well enough.

I'm pegging Bopara to be one of the main batsmen to stand up in the Ashes, and possibly KP or Strauss as the other. Pietersen seems a little more likely given his past performances.

I'm also revising my hopes for the outcome of this series. I want England to convincingly beat the Windies just so we can crush them irreparably in the Ashes series.

In other news, Phil Hughes has fallen for 195 against Surrey. Hahaha, England are fucked, come July.

"England. You're fucked."

Go midgets.

Drilling Holes in Bats

GoodCricketWicket is onto a story that is possibly the funniest I've heard in a while.

A Lancashire captain bought 8 new bats while on a club cricket tour of Pakistan, and decided to have them shipped back to England. Sounds fine, except for the fact that an overzealous customs feared there might have been bombs inside those bats so decided the only thing to do was investigate by drilling holes into the bats.

It wasn't just the suspicious looking bats which may or may not have declared a jihad on the Queen while sitting in storage, but also some very terrifying pads sporting pictures of Osama bin Laden glued onto them. Off went customs, drilling holes into the pads too.

All the equipment was brand new.

"I bought the cricket bats in Lahore and each one cost me 8,000 rupees (£67). The total came to £475. The bats and pads arrived on April 15 and I was shocked to find they had holes drilled into the front of them."

Even better is the blaming that's going on:

"I rang Pakistan and they said UK authorities had made the holes. When I rang the UK office they said Pakistan had done it."

Evil bastards.

Reportedly a very hush-hush deal was made with the ECB, who expressed an interest in buying the bats and sending them off to Middlesex as part of a "surprise gift package for Phillip Hughes". Around the same time the transaction was made, a whole lot of wood putty went missing from a nearby hardware store.

Interesting. I wonder why.

Oops.

Gunther the Kind Beast

I wish I had been watching the Middlesex vs. Surrey match, because the most perfect thing happened and I cannot even begin to imagine how great if would have been if I'd seen this with my own eyes.

While Phillip was waving around his bat, hitting all the bowlers for boundaries wherever they went, Andre Nel was having a little sentimental moment too:

Soon after completing his third hundred in only four championship innings, from 126 balls, Hughes stepped away to leg to flay André Nel through the covers for his nineteenth boundary. Then he twice pulled him for four, with quite remarkable power for one so slight. It was contemptuous batting and Nel's response was a high full toss that brought a protest from Hughes, and an apology from the former South Africa bowler.

Keep in mind, bowling a high full toss at Phil is a bit like bowling to a 10 year old. Sounds okay, right? But you've yet to see the worst of it:

At the end of the over, too, Nel approached Hughes and put an arm around his shoulder.

AHHHHHH. That is the only appropriate response to a horrifying event like this.

My only explanation is that the English have hired Gunther to assassinate Phil before the Ashes. I vote for an ex-army general to follow Phil around at all costs and protect him from the evil plans of our enemies.

Putting his arm around Phil is just the precursor to something much worse, Buffalo Bill-style.

"It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Yes it does, Precious.

Hughesy at it again

Another century, another day for Phil Hughes.

His 3rd ton out of 4 innings. WTF. This man will singlehandedly win us the Ashes, I tell you. Combine him with Mitchell Johnson and we don't even need the rest of the team.

I suppose he isn't even old enough to be called a "man". I mean, if I'm calling people like Sybrand and Napoleon little kids, surely Phil is a little kid too? But he's manned up far more than other wankers have so I suppose he deserves that title.

I hope Andrew Strauss is watching Phil on TV and feeling VERY SCARED. Because he is quite scary, especially some of his shots. He tries things even No. 11s wouldn't. Difference is, he pulls them off.

England Won't Win The Ashes

I didn't say it, Geoffrey Boycott did.

Well, I thought it, but okay. I always think we'll win the Ashes, it's how I roll. This year's either going to be a devastating win by the Aussies or a very close series. I'm hoping for the first, because as much as I love a close game, against the English, a great victory goes a long way. We need to rub it in their faces if possible, and make them feel incompetent, especially after all their recent off-field (and on-field) troubles.

While I do like a few of the Pommy bastards, especially those without retarded voices like KP, I tend to agree with Boycott:

"Can they win the Ashes? No, I think they will draw if anything, and the Australians will retain them."

And the fact that I agree with that means I am blinded to the state of Australia's bowling (minus Mitch) and at times, their batting. I don't care. If there's one sporting competition we have to win no matter what, it's the Ashes. We grow up regularly feasting on Brit blood and this is no less (btw, the Olympics? GOLD MEDALS IN RELATION TO THE POPULATION SIZE, BITCHES). We just need to win this for our men to go on believing their balls are really that big and for our women to... I don't know, do something. Point is, winning the Ashes is a full time job for us.

While our bowlers may seem lacking at times, England's bowlers have done a pretty shocking job of securing actual wins in Test matches over the past few years. Far too many matches have resulted in draws after a reasonable performance from their batsmen. At the end of the day, you need 20 wickets to win a Test, and no amount of restricting or tight bowling is going to take that eventuality away from you.

It's not a certainty that we'll win the Ashes, but Phil Hughes' presence makes me a hell of a lot more comfortable in hoping that we can.

And at least this time the match is in England, so KP won't have to worry about being called a pommie bastard by unapologetic Aussies, much like his good old adulterer prince. Whine, whine, whine.