Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

Where Australia are at

Michael Clarke doesn't want to captain in his lifetime. Idiot. He'd rather be the perpetual vice-captain:

"I'm definitely not ready right now with the captain we've got. For me, I hope he captains until the end of my career."

Ricky Ponting has suffered a small blow to his hand which apparently saw

Ponting lay prone on the ground for a couple of minutes, teammates huddling around him, before being taken away for treatment.

He also later "apologetically declined to shake a journalists' hand, indicating the strapping round his arm." Everyone knows he just didn't want to get British germs, after being told by Brett Lee that they were all carrying the swine flu, the English being immune to it themselves after spending centuries in close contact with pigs. Very close contact.

Look at that fake concern on Brett's face.

Brad Haddin thinks this current team can "leave their mark as an Australian team". If he keeps edging his gloves in front of the stumps to claim stumpings, they sure will.

And Mitchell Johnson wants to bat in the top 6 as a batting all-rounder.

Looking good?

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

We Are One

But we are many, and from all the states in Australia we come.

I am talking of the Australian cricketers to get a central contract, of course. And I am also breaking into song to express my condolences that in the space of a year, suddenly spinning is dead in Australia.

Of a list of 25, there is 1 specialist spinner. One. Think of the most insignificant, most NOTHING spinner to head our pathetic spinning attack (not that they want attacking spinners of course, they "go for too many runs". Spinners are just for containing now, sorry you wicket takers) and you may get Nathan Hauritz.

He is it, and that is it. Fuck off, says Cricket Australia. You learn to spin and we'll give you money, that's how it works.

We have better wicketkeepers than spinners, that's how bad it's become. Although not as bad as actually picking Andrew McDonald. When will CA learn? What does anyone see in him? Absolutely nothing worthwhile, he's just got a couple of half-baked skills. I guess that makes him a half-baked potato. Thank god he isn't one of the Blues or I'd have spent the past few years hanging my head in shame.

2009-10 contract holders: Doug Bollinger (NSW), Nathan Bracken (NSW), Stuart Clark (NSW), Michael Clarke (NSW), Callum Ferguson (SA), Brad Haddin (NSW), Nathan Hauritz (NSW), Ben Hilfenhaus (Tas), Brad Hodge (Vic), James Hopes (Qld), Phillip Hughes (NSW), David Hussey (Vic), Michael Hussey (WA), Mitchell Johnson (WA), Simon Katich (NSW), Brett Lee (NSW), Graham Manou (SA), Shaun Marsh (WA), Andrew McDonald (Vic), Marcus North (WA), Ricky Ponting (Tas), Peter Siddle (Vic), Andrew Symonds (Qld), Shane Watson (NSW), Cameron White (Vic).

Shaun Tait isn't on it. Now's a good time for him to come out and announce he only ever liked T20 anyway: "It's a better decision for me. I'm actually glad they made that decision, so no hard feelings there. Heh...heh..."

And, well, Callum Ferguson is on the list, as is Siddle, North, and all-time winner Hughes. Graham Manou is boosting the rock solid position the invincible Brad Haddin occupies. Well fuck me. Phil Jaques and Beau Casson don't make the cut. Here we go.

Adam Voges, meanwhile, has just pissed off the selectors.

Unamusing Australian Collapse

I swear it's not even funny.

Well, it is a little. Pup is funny. But the rest isn't.

122/9 is mindblowing. Shaun Marsh still isn't feeling good, our man Echidna couldn't do it, and really, Haddin and Watson were the only ones doing anything.

So much for supporting Australia through this series. Goddamn. What a measly opening performance.

Credit to the Pakistani bowlers. Afridi is on fire. 6/38. Good going.

Australian Innings

Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.

The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.

The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.

Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.

Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.

Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.

PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.

Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.

Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.

Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.

Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.

Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.

Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.

Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.

ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.

Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.

Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.

Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.

Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.

The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.

Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.

Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.

If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.

Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.

Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.

Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.

Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.

THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.

Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.

Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?

Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.

ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.

Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?

Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...

FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.

Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.

Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.

The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.

JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.

I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.

Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.

Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.

Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.

Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.

Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.

ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.

Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.


That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.