To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:
Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.
We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.
And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.
At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.
In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.
Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.
Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.
Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.
In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.
So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.
Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.
Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.
Showing posts with label Michael Hussey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Hussey. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Spotto
This photo was sort of reminiscent of this past Spotto so I had to put it up as the Australian counterpart to the Brits. Plus, it's another chance to show Ponting looking stupid.
Spotted: Will he catch it?
Spotted: Will he catch it?
On the topic of Australians, something just came to mind. Has anyone else noticed that Ben Laughlin has chicken legs?
Monday, 1 June 2009
Will Mike fire?
Michael Hussey, folks. The guy who averaged 91.60 in the '07 Ashes. We kind of need him and he knows. If he were currently in form as he has been previously, we would be hearing a lot more of him, because averaging close to 100 in a series is no mean feat. There's only one other man who came close to doing it, and he hated everyone. Mike doesn't, so he's willing to offer some words on his recent form:
"Test cricket has never been easy for me."Hello.
"I'm still really enjoying it, I'm enjoying this period as well."Hello again. Enjoying failure, are we?
"Obviously, I've been disappointed with my recent results in Test cricket. I haven't been disappointed with my actual form."Make him stop. Make him not look so likely to get out for a duck as soon as he comes on and then we'll talk form with Mr. Cricket.
Sunday, 31 May 2009
England Try To Kill Ricky Ponting
From Cricinfo:
He was picking up a ball in the nets when struck by a shot from Michael Hussey and the blow ended his session.Accompanied by this photo:
Now, if I'm not mistaken, is this not England cleverly disguising themselves as Mike Hussey and trying to kill Ponting? Little did they know he's a resilient little bastard. Just as the Australian selectors didn't know he's a resilient little bastard who would last this long as captain.
I vote the Aussies do the same, preferably disguising themselves with these masks. That should do the trick.
Friday, 29 May 2009
Australia Pull Up In England
If you're interested, David Hussey appears to have packed about half of the luggage his brother has, or about half of each of the senior members of the team. Ricky can't leave behind his blanky, it seems.
Mike Hussey is doing a lot of the talking, and most of the news outlets have jumped on his Ashes comments, being that England are a good team and so are Australia, etc. What you'd expect. He then goes on to talk about the World T20, and how he thinks Australia "have a good chance". Fat luck. If there's anything Australia's going to lose soon, it's going to be the World T20.
But amidst it all is a very confusing comment which I cannot even begin to understand:
Mike Hussey is doing a lot of the talking, and most of the news outlets have jumped on his Ashes comments, being that England are a good team and so are Australia, etc. What you'd expect. He then goes on to talk about the World T20, and how he thinks Australia "have a good chance". Fat luck. If there's anything Australia's going to lose soon, it's going to be the World T20.
But amidst it all is a very confusing comment which I cannot even begin to understand:
"I'd be lying if I said the Ashes weren't at the back of our minds but we've got a different squad really for the Twenty20 so we are 100 percent focused on that at the moment."He'd be lying if he said they weren't at the back of his mind? So they really are at the back of his mind? What a strangely worded comment.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Mike Hussey's contribution to the tournament
Nothing.
Right. Well then...
Bangalore to win the final just because.
Right. Well then...
Bangalore to win the final just because.
Semi-finals, being crap, and the number 146
What is that really? 146. What a pathetically shit score from a team that's supposed to have an excellent batting line-up, and who are going to give away 20 runs or so later in the game through misfields.
It just doesn't make sense. I suppose we should have known. From the moment those Mischief Gals were doing their circus troupe act during the pitch report, Chennai were doomed to make a relatively low or "okay" kind of score. Just on that point, Sunny Gavaskar made reference to the Mischief Gals' "curves". Dream on, mate.
Strangely enough, Parthiv Patel turned out to be the real menace today, like the little fucker he is. He was appointed the team maniac and I found myself smiling at his midget antics. Good going there.
So Chennai dropped off one by one, until Albie stepped out into the Bullring. And being such a sick bastard who only wants sons as children, he stopped Kumble during his run-up, and then promptly hit him for six the next ball. The last ball of the innings was also interesting. What do you reckon, was it a four or a six?
Some points of concern within the Bangalore team:
It just doesn't make sense. I suppose we should have known. From the moment those Mischief Gals were doing their circus troupe act during the pitch report, Chennai were doomed to make a relatively low or "okay" kind of score. Just on that point, Sunny Gavaskar made reference to the Mischief Gals' "curves". Dream on, mate.
Strangely enough, Parthiv Patel turned out to be the real menace today, like the little fucker he is. He was appointed the team maniac and I found myself smiling at his midget antics. Good going there.
So Chennai dropped off one by one, until Albie stepped out into the Bullring. And being such a sick bastard who only wants sons as children, he stopped Kumble during his run-up, and then promptly hit him for six the next ball. The last ball of the innings was also interesting. What do you reckon, was it a four or a six?
Some points of concern within the Bangalore team:
- Kumble looks absolutely ancient chasing balls to the boundary.
- Jacques Kallis really needs to shave off that tuft of hair in an otherwise bald spot. It's like some horrible head fungus. Although, you cannot even begin to imagine the thrill of seeing him be treated with disdain by batsmen.
- Praveen Kumar looked spastic after the Raina wicket. What was up with that and what medication has Ray Jennings got him on?
All very pertinent questions which I'm sure will be answered in the BRC innings, in which CSK bowlers will have to step up or they're well and truly fucked.
By the way, caught sight of Mike Hussey on the sidelines. So stupid.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
Mike Hussey returns to the IPL, for real this time
All those times I lied about him coming back, I was just fucking with you bastards. This time it's real and it's serious: Mike Hussey is back in the tournament for its conclusion. I don't know why at all. It's a bit of an idiotic thing to do. Maybe he senses his end is near or something, smelling death. If that's true, it'd be disappointing he gave up so quickly, because why would you back out of the tournament only to return for the [possible] last match?
Doesn't matter. Chennai will win today. I think. Bangalore aren't that great, they just have a lot of saffas, who Albie will hopefully dropkick out of the stadium. Hopefully, my dears. Hopefully.
Doesn't matter. Chennai will win today. I think. Bangalore aren't that great, they just have a lot of saffas, who Albie will hopefully dropkick out of the stadium. Hopefully, my dears. Hopefully.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
The Binga Mails
22/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.
27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.
30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.
30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?
31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.
1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.
3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.
6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye
7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.
7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.
8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.
9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.
10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.
11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha
13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.
13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.
13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.
13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?
14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.
One month later...
16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.
16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.
27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.
30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.
30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?
31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.
1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.
3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.
6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye
7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.
7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.
8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.
9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.
10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.
11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha
13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.
13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.
13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.
13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?
14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.
One month later...
16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.
16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.
Monday, 11 May 2009
Interview With Michael Clarke
Catching up with Michael Clarke over a chai latte at a rather wanky café named “Soul Refresh”, chosen as the place of our meeting at the express request of Michael. Below is an audio recording of the interview:
“Hi, sorry I’m late, I was just having…”
“No worries, I wasn’t waiting for—”
“…Another shopping trip with Lara, you don’t know how she gets when my credit card is readily on offer. I come back from a tour, and I look at my credit card statement and it’s just like, “Money, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”
“….”
“It was a… joke, you know the ad…”
“…Yeah.”
“Lara says that if people are going to joke about it, we should get into the act too. Subverting the negative cycle, I think is what it’s called. Some “Positive Thinking and You” book Lara gave me for Christmas. She has a matching one. Sometimes we read it to each other over the phone when she’s feeling lonely, the chapter about how long distance relationships are like runt pigs and how they require nurturing….”
“….”
“It’s quite helpful.”
“…”
“Do you want anything?”
“Oh, no I’ve already ordered.”
“Good, could you order for me too? An iced tea, exactly 3 ice-cubes. That’s another thing Lara’s gotten me into. Feng-shui involving food, it’s a Western take on the Asian movement. Ensuring your ingredients are in the correct spiritual proportions to strengthen the bond of ying yang. Very interesting, I think Ellen does it.”
“…Right. Well…”
“Excuse me, hi. An iced tea thanks, on her tab.”
“…”
“Oh, sorry. You don’t mind, do you? I’ve just donated my last year’s earnings to the Liposuction Foundation. Very good cause, they helped Lara with some weight issues when she was eight years old… We don’t talk about it much, but… Anyway, so that’s where my money has gone, and Lara’s taken my credit cards hostage since we got engaged…”
“It’s fine. Can we talk…”
“Cricket? Yeah, sure. Bring it on, or as Lara likes to say, “Involve me in a deep verbal spiritual cleansing”. Quite nice, those phrases we’ve picked up from Positive Thinking and You. Sometimes we try having conversations about the Discussion Topics at the end of the book. They’re supposed to make you a whole person, both mentally and emotionally. In fact, we just had a discussion on existentialism, me and Lara. A bit confusing, I don’t think either of us knew what it was, but we gave it our best shot, and that is the true key to spiritual success as
B. Sohappy, the author of the book, says.”
“…”
“Yes… I do think the book has changed my life in many ways.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. Just quickly on the topic of your recent series win against Pakistan—”
“Good win it was too. I was just talking to Lara about it, actually… what’s wrong? You seem unhappy.”
“…Not at all. You were saying? About the win...”
“Ah look, I can’t gloat, but let’s look at the facts, yeah? No Ricky, no Mitch, no Huss, and no decent fucking spinner either. Except me. I was a bit worried about it, seeing as we’d just, you know…”
“Lost the one day series against South Africa?”
“Two in a row, yeah. So I did what I usually do, I hopped on the phone with Lara and we both skipped to the chapter of Positive Thinking and You where it talks about facing new challenges and she read this very interesting paragraph about how rising to the occasion required the 3 Ps. Passion, Persistence and Pomegranate—that’s a soul-cleansing food by the way, the book says. One of the 3 core detox fruits: pomegranate, mangosteen and strawberry. On that topic, I’d actually accredit some of my success against Pakistan to a new strawberry body butter Lara gave me. It’s soft and nourishing for your skin, and I actually squeezed out pomegranate juice on my hands—took a long time, I’ll tell you—and rubbed the strawberry body butter over the top. It healed up my calluses in no time and I played with the softest hands ever. Good for picking up lots of quick singles.”
“Oh… alright.”
“That’s what I was trying to tell Huss when I got back. You know, try some of this body butter and you’ll be Mr. Cricket again in no time. Although, to be honest, I don’t know if that’s really possible, it seems to be a permanent slump. I’m considering leaving his general circles.
B. Sohappy says associating with failures is often enough to reverse your positive thinking processes. Cause you to fail as well.”
“Does this mean the team is unhappy with Mike Hussey’s performances?”
“Ah look, I wouldn’t put it like that. But the concept of Western feng shui argues that the position of people in relation to each other is equally as important as the position of furniture. If I’m always facing Huss, and Mitch is shining his glory on Punter at the back, who’s going to benefit? I’m just saying that maybe it would be better if Huss stopped hanging out with us and maybe became a part of the spinners’ group. They’re all in similar situations, that’s all. Davo can stay with us, we don’t have anything against him. But I’ve been chatting to Ricky and he agrees with me.”
“On a similar subject, do you think there was a real difference in your captaincy as compared to Ricky’s?”
“Positive Thinking and You recommends you don’t say things like that. I do think there was a difference, yes, because I like to focus on the results. Now if you look at the results, clearly there’s a better captain out of the two of us. I’ve won 100% of my one day series as captain, and Ricky’s record is abysmal in comparison. It’s all a matter of relativity B. Sohappy argues.”
“What would you say contributed to your success in the series? You were one down at the start, but—”
“It was good when we caught the chucker. I think that was a real turning point for me as a captain and for our team in general. Shane did something Positive Thinking and You calls “deconstruction and simplification of the hurdle”—basically breaking down the opposition and revealing their undies. That’s what we did to Pakistan. We stripped them naked and exposed them to everyone. It changed the nature of our game because we saw just how small they really were.”
“Figuratively...?”
“And literally. But the biggest factor of all was probably my interpretative and analytical work as captain. I worked on the “round model theory” that’s outlined in Positive Thinking and You. It basically involves bringing all aspects of your life to the game, and I found we’d been missing out on the most important thing of all.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“What was it?”
“My dreams. B. Sohappy does talk about vision for the future and dreaming big, but I found a whole new meaning for it while in UAE. There was an interesting dramatisation of the works of Sigmund Freud on television. I didn’t understand it, but he seemed quite clever so I googled him and I discovered that my dreams were the missing element in our gameplan.”
“…How so?”
“Well, for example, if I have a dream that a cow is trying to jump over the moon but just can’t make it, and then that cow morphs into Roy fishing stars with the man on the moon, I can go in the next day and issue a notice that all fishing is hereby banned. And as it turned out, I did exactly that while we were in Abu Dhabi. I think Roy was planning to fish for rubbish with a conman who’s told him there was gold hidden in piles of rubbish on the streets. That same day he played for us and hit 10 runs. 10 runs he would never have hit if he’s gone fishing. But at the same time, it’s still only 10 runs, and that’s symbolic of the cow trying to jump over the moon but just not making it. So I talked this over with Roy and I asked him whether he felt like a cow. Turns out he actually did. We had a long discussion, and just look, he’s gone to South Africa and hit a half century first try. It’s the little things like this which count when you’re captain.”
“…”
“…”
“…Oh! Will you look at the time? Terribly sorry, but I have to go. Nice meeting you anyway.”
“No, that’s okay. I have to go too. Lara’s waiting for me at the jewellery store to pick out a new engagement ring. She likes to update it every month.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Yeah, first she shaves my hair off and then she takes my money. I grew that hair for years. That stupid… bitch. Thanks for the iced tea by the way. It was delicious.”
“Yes.”
“Very delicious, the 3 ice-cubes did the trick.”
“…”
End of recording.
“Hi, sorry I’m late, I was just having…”
“No worries, I wasn’t waiting for—”
“…Another shopping trip with Lara, you don’t know how she gets when my credit card is readily on offer. I come back from a tour, and I look at my credit card statement and it’s just like, “Money, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”
“….”
“It was a… joke, you know the ad…”
“…Yeah.”
“Lara says that if people are going to joke about it, we should get into the act too. Subverting the negative cycle, I think is what it’s called. Some “Positive Thinking and You” book Lara gave me for Christmas. She has a matching one. Sometimes we read it to each other over the phone when she’s feeling lonely, the chapter about how long distance relationships are like runt pigs and how they require nurturing….”
“….”
“It’s quite helpful.”
“…”
“Do you want anything?”
“Oh, no I’ve already ordered.”
“Good, could you order for me too? An iced tea, exactly 3 ice-cubes. That’s another thing Lara’s gotten me into. Feng-shui involving food, it’s a Western take on the Asian movement. Ensuring your ingredients are in the correct spiritual proportions to strengthen the bond of ying yang. Very interesting, I think Ellen does it.”
“…Right. Well…”
“Excuse me, hi. An iced tea thanks, on her tab.”
“…”
“Oh, sorry. You don’t mind, do you? I’ve just donated my last year’s earnings to the Liposuction Foundation. Very good cause, they helped Lara with some weight issues when she was eight years old… We don’t talk about it much, but… Anyway, so that’s where my money has gone, and Lara’s taken my credit cards hostage since we got engaged…”
“It’s fine. Can we talk…”
“Cricket? Yeah, sure. Bring it on, or as Lara likes to say, “Involve me in a deep verbal spiritual cleansing”. Quite nice, those phrases we’ve picked up from Positive Thinking and You. Sometimes we try having conversations about the Discussion Topics at the end of the book. They’re supposed to make you a whole person, both mentally and emotionally. In fact, we just had a discussion on existentialism, me and Lara. A bit confusing, I don’t think either of us knew what it was, but we gave it our best shot, and that is the true key to spiritual success as
B. Sohappy, the author of the book, says.”
“…”
“Yes… I do think the book has changed my life in many ways.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. Just quickly on the topic of your recent series win against Pakistan—”
“Good win it was too. I was just talking to Lara about it, actually… what’s wrong? You seem unhappy.”
“…Not at all. You were saying? About the win...”
“Ah look, I can’t gloat, but let’s look at the facts, yeah? No Ricky, no Mitch, no Huss, and no decent fucking spinner either. Except me. I was a bit worried about it, seeing as we’d just, you know…”
“Lost the one day series against South Africa?”
“Two in a row, yeah. So I did what I usually do, I hopped on the phone with Lara and we both skipped to the chapter of Positive Thinking and You where it talks about facing new challenges and she read this very interesting paragraph about how rising to the occasion required the 3 Ps. Passion, Persistence and Pomegranate—that’s a soul-cleansing food by the way, the book says. One of the 3 core detox fruits: pomegranate, mangosteen and strawberry. On that topic, I’d actually accredit some of my success against Pakistan to a new strawberry body butter Lara gave me. It’s soft and nourishing for your skin, and I actually squeezed out pomegranate juice on my hands—took a long time, I’ll tell you—and rubbed the strawberry body butter over the top. It healed up my calluses in no time and I played with the softest hands ever. Good for picking up lots of quick singles.”
“Oh… alright.”
“That’s what I was trying to tell Huss when I got back. You know, try some of this body butter and you’ll be Mr. Cricket again in no time. Although, to be honest, I don’t know if that’s really possible, it seems to be a permanent slump. I’m considering leaving his general circles.
B. Sohappy says associating with failures is often enough to reverse your positive thinking processes. Cause you to fail as well.”
“Does this mean the team is unhappy with Mike Hussey’s performances?”
“Ah look, I wouldn’t put it like that. But the concept of Western feng shui argues that the position of people in relation to each other is equally as important as the position of furniture. If I’m always facing Huss, and Mitch is shining his glory on Punter at the back, who’s going to benefit? I’m just saying that maybe it would be better if Huss stopped hanging out with us and maybe became a part of the spinners’ group. They’re all in similar situations, that’s all. Davo can stay with us, we don’t have anything against him. But I’ve been chatting to Ricky and he agrees with me.”
“On a similar subject, do you think there was a real difference in your captaincy as compared to Ricky’s?”
“Positive Thinking and You recommends you don’t say things like that. I do think there was a difference, yes, because I like to focus on the results. Now if you look at the results, clearly there’s a better captain out of the two of us. I’ve won 100% of my one day series as captain, and Ricky’s record is abysmal in comparison. It’s all a matter of relativity B. Sohappy argues.”
“What would you say contributed to your success in the series? You were one down at the start, but—”
“It was good when we caught the chucker. I think that was a real turning point for me as a captain and for our team in general. Shane did something Positive Thinking and You calls “deconstruction and simplification of the hurdle”—basically breaking down the opposition and revealing their undies. That’s what we did to Pakistan. We stripped them naked and exposed them to everyone. It changed the nature of our game because we saw just how small they really were.”
“Figuratively...?”
“And literally. But the biggest factor of all was probably my interpretative and analytical work as captain. I worked on the “round model theory” that’s outlined in Positive Thinking and You. It basically involves bringing all aspects of your life to the game, and I found we’d been missing out on the most important thing of all.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“What was it?”
“My dreams. B. Sohappy does talk about vision for the future and dreaming big, but I found a whole new meaning for it while in UAE. There was an interesting dramatisation of the works of Sigmund Freud on television. I didn’t understand it, but he seemed quite clever so I googled him and I discovered that my dreams were the missing element in our gameplan.”
“…How so?”
“Well, for example, if I have a dream that a cow is trying to jump over the moon but just can’t make it, and then that cow morphs into Roy fishing stars with the man on the moon, I can go in the next day and issue a notice that all fishing is hereby banned. And as it turned out, I did exactly that while we were in Abu Dhabi. I think Roy was planning to fish for rubbish with a conman who’s told him there was gold hidden in piles of rubbish on the streets. That same day he played for us and hit 10 runs. 10 runs he would never have hit if he’s gone fishing. But at the same time, it’s still only 10 runs, and that’s symbolic of the cow trying to jump over the moon but just not making it. So I talked this over with Roy and I asked him whether he felt like a cow. Turns out he actually did. We had a long discussion, and just look, he’s gone to South Africa and hit a half century first try. It’s the little things like this which count when you’re captain.”
“…”
“…”
“…Oh! Will you look at the time? Terribly sorry, but I have to go. Nice meeting you anyway.”
“No, that’s okay. I have to go too. Lara’s waiting for me at the jewellery store to pick out a new engagement ring. She likes to update it every month.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Yeah, first she shaves my hair off and then she takes my money. I grew that hair for years. That stupid… bitch. Thanks for the iced tea by the way. It was delicious.”
“Yes.”
“Very delicious, the 3 ice-cubes did the trick.”
“…”
End of recording.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Australian T20 Squad
Seeing as I am Australian and should therefore care:
Squad: Ricky Ponting (captain), Michael Clarke, Nathan Bracken, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, James Hopes, David Hussey, Mike Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Peter Siddle, Andrew Symonds, David Warner, Shane Watson
Something tells me that if Mike Hussey doesn't step up and perform like the old Mike in the coming months, the selectors won't be so quick to put all their faith behind him. As much as I love the guy, there's no denying that he would have been rested rather permanently if he were in another country.
Here's hoping he gets his mojo back. If he doesn't, well, it will be a rather sorry situation, especially considering the players Australia could have chosen who'd be more likely to perform. I'm mostly thinking of one name here, the same one that Mark Nicholas has recently begun to admire and talk of his "genuine pace" with a feverishly excited voice.
It's off to the Netherlands for Dirk Nannes, and to the field for Mike. Pressure? What pressure? There's no pressure whatsoever.
Also, Brett Lee's back and so is Shane Watson. Not sure about the first, but a yes to the second. I'm sure Shane will survive the next few months without an injury.
But will you just look at our spinning hopes? And that is not a pun, I'm being serious. I miss Warnie.
"Must escape the babies."
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Interview With Delusional Ricky Ponting
I just happened to catch the last 10 minutes of a who-knows-how-long interview with Ricky on WWOS. Slats was firing some questions sent in from viewers, and Ricky answered them. There were a few amusing things he said.
On why Phil Hughes isn't in Australia's ODI side:
"I think he's more suited to Test cricket. Besides, our one day side is at full strength, with Shaun Marsh, obviously he's gotten an injury so he can't play, Shane Watson, Andrew Symonds, Michael Clarke, the Two Husseys..."
Full strength? And the two husseys or the two hussies? It sounded funny at the time.
On why Australia appears to lack decent spinners:
"The lack of spinners in Australia is really due to the wickets in Australia. They're not suited to spinners so we don't have that many. Spinners are finding it hard to play on Australian wickets."
That is the best excuse anyone could ever come up with. Ricky Ponting, you stupid bastard, you are a genius at inventing excuses. It's very much like the English team. Quick, blame the loss on the wicket! Punter's learnt something from our enemies, it seems. I wonder how we produced the best legspinner in history on such wickets.
On the WAG training camp:
"I think it's terrific... But my wife was horrified to read in newspapers that people think our wives and girlfriends need counselling."
It's funny because as Ponting was speaking, they cut to a montage of various Aussie cricketers with their wives and girlfriends, including Lara Bingle looking much like a vampire as usual.
When asked whether Australia is a "good side or a great side":
"I think... a good side."
Hahaha, great way to round it off.
And Ponting also reckons they'll go for a spinner in their Ashes XI. The question is, who will it be?
"NO GOOD SPIN WICKETS IN AUSTRALIA."
Monday, 13 April 2009
Australian Innings
Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.
The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.
The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.
Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.
Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.
Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.
PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.
Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.
Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.
Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.
Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.
Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.
Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.
Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.
ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.
Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.
Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.
Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.
OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.
Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.
The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.
Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.
Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.
If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.
Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.
Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.
Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.
Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.
THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.
Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.
Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?
Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.
ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.
Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?
Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...
FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.
Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.
Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.
The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.
JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.
I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.
Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.
Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.
Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.
Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.
Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.
ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.
Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.
That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.
The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.
The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.
Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.
Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.
Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.
PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.
Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.
Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.
Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.
Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.
Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.
Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.
Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.
ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.
Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.
Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.
Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.
OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.
Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.
The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.
Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.
Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.
If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.
Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.
Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.
Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.
Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.
THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.
Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.
Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?
Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.
ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.
Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?
Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...
FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.
Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.
Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.
The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.
JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.
I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.
Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.
Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.
Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.
Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.
Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.
ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.
Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.
That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Annual Cricket Trivia Night: Australia vs. India
*CUE DRAMATIC OPENING TITLES AND MUSIC*
*CAMERA PANS ACROSS AUDIENCE, BEFORE ZOOMING INTO STAGE*
Navjot Singh Sidhu: Good evening! Welcome to the Annual Cricket Trivia Night, sponsored by the funds from my Pro-Road Rage campaign. After last year's success with England and Zimbabwe, we have returned once more!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: Tonight's hosts are myself and a man who, despite his smooth looks, never found himself playing a Test for England. Yes, that's right, it's the one and only MARK NICHOLAS!
*CROWD ERUPTS INTO APPLAUSE*
Mark Nicholas: *steps onto stage* By heaven! What a huge audience! Well, it's going to become a little bigger because tonight we don't have one, no not one, not even two, not two, but FOUR hosts. You heard right, FOUR HOSTS!
Sidhu: The wind is in the willows but so are the leaves! Come on down, Geoffrey Boycott and Bill Lawry!
Bill Lawry: *walks onto stage alone*
Nicholas: But what is this? Where is Geoff? *smile plays at his lips* Well, I can give you the answer to that! Tonight Geoff has brought along a very special guest and they're behind the scenes in a special... DUNK TANK!
*CROWD ROARS IN APPRECIATION*
Lawry: That's right, we're going to be video conferencing with Geoff the entire night as he toughs it out with last year's champion player STEVE HARMISON! This year, to spice things up a little, Steve has volunteered to be the victim of our dunk tank at the end of the night.
*ON SCREEN*
Geoffrey Boycott: Yes, Steve was kind enough to grace us with his presence, especially after those comments he recently came out with about me. I'm a caricature, hey? A joke? People cringe when they see me? Well, everyone's going to be cringing at the end of tonight when you've just been dunked in FISHY WATER!
*CROWD CHEERS*
*CAMERA ZOOMS INTO MURKY WATER BENEATH HARMY AND ON A SARDINE PRESSED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE DUNK TANK*
Steve Harmison: I divvent noo you was bringing me into toon foor this.
Boycott: Back to you, Bill!
Lawry: It's all happening!
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Let's introduce tonight's teams. They are: the lean mean bullying machine, AUSTRALIA!
*CROWD CHEERS*
Nicholas: And on the other side, the team that has orchestrated more inter-nation power struggles than any other in the history of cricket, give it up for INDIA!
*CROWD BOOS*
Sidhu: Cockatoos often boo on fine summer days, but partisanship is the most delectable entity of modern day society!
*CROWD IS SILENT*
Lawry: Bang! Let's meet the teams. Each team has six representatives, whether current players or retired, and their one goal is to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS! First up, Australia! Tonight's team consists of the one, the only, RICKY PONTING! His soon-to-be successor, MICHAEL CLARKE! ANDREW "GONE FISHING" SYMONDS!!! Recently retired but still as bullish as ever, MATTHEW HAYDEN! The best leg spinner in history, SHANE WARNE! And finally, he began with a bang and has recently experienced a slump in form. We think he won't make it, but at least he's made it here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S MICHAEL HUSSEY!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: On the Indian side, we have 6 players, 5 of whom are not here tonight! Sorry, Harbhajan, we told you your team mates would be turning up, but we LIED in order to isolate you on live television. Anything for an Australian audience!
Harbhajan: Shit, I should have known this was an ambush.
Sidhu: Instead of your team mates, we now have 5 dummies which you will provide voices for, sort of like a ventriloquist, only more obvious. Dead as a dodo, here are your team mates: Gautam Gambhir! Ishant Sharma! Sachin Tendulkar! Mahendra Singh Dhoni! And.... VIRENDER SEHWAG!
*CROWD CHEERS AT THIS NEW TWIST*
Nicholas: Before we begin, I'd just like to invite viewers at home to send in their thoughts on the game or any questions for players! Go wild by text or email!
Harmy: Wot's going un?
Boycott: The first round of Annual Cricket Trivia Night! What Am I? The first question is for the Australian team. Hands on your buzzers, boys. Here goes: What Am I? I am a famous Australian horse race and stopping the nation--
Ponting: *buzzes in* The Melbourne Cup!
Boycott: ...And stopping the nation is the one thing I don't do. Incorrect! The correct answer was the Birdsville Races!
Matt Hayden: *to Ponting* I thought you knew about this kind of shit, Punter. Now we're going to lose to a racist nigger.
Mike Hussey: That's ironic...
Sidhu: Ironic it is! The darling buds of May simmer gently in the wafting breeze. A question for the Indian team now: What Am I? I'm an obnoxious little weed.
Harbhajan: ...Me?
Hayden: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!
Symonds: THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
Sidhu: Incorrect! The answer is milfoil!
Lawry: Got him, yes! This is a ripper of a game!
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! Let's move onto the next round, Spotlight, in which we focus on one player in each team and ask him a question which they must respond with the truth to!
Boycott: BUT WAIT!
*CROWD GASPS IN UNISON*
Boycott: We have received our first viewer message of the night!
*CROUD CHEERS LOUDLY*
Boycott: It's from a "Bianca" in England. And it's a message for Shane!
Shane Warne: *looks up from mobile phone in horror*
Boycott: Yes, Bianca writes "Hey Warnie, thanks for the text. I didn't know you fancied me, but I'd be more than happy to come in through your back door."
Warne: *to crowd* I swear, Simone, that text was meant for you!
Simone (in audience): *stands* You pathetic bastard! *storms out of studio*
*CROWD BUZZES WITH EXCITEMENT*
Sidhu: My, my, only a little while in, and things are already heating up! Your kentucky fried chicken might be hot but so is Warnie's mattress! He is like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition!
Nicholas: Moving onto the second round, then? The Australian team is up and who will the spotlight focus on?
*LIGHTS HOVER OVER EACH PLAYER BEFORE COMING TO A PAUSE ON HAYDEN'S HEAD*
Nicholas: It's Matty Hayden! Here's your question: In your own words, who is Ellen DeGeneres?
Hayden: *spits* The devil's agent! *clutches crucifix* Lord, protect me from her evil ways. What Would Jesus Do? Fuck this shit, he'd kill her. Oh Lord, Lord, may you be with me and may you expel the devil from her soul, preferably through death. Amen.
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Oh yes that's it! What a response! That's maximum!
Lawry: I think it's time we moved onto the Indian team. The spotlight has fallen on... *dramatic pause* Dhoni!
Harbhajan: *sits awkwardly*
Lawry: Dhoni, in 25 words or less, how does it feel to be targeted and threatened by political activists?
Harbhajan/Dhoni: ...Bad.
Lawry: Got him, yes! What a cracker of a response!
*CROWD BOOS*
Boycott: I think I have the perfect thing to cheer up our audience! It's another message from a viewer!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
Boycott: Yes, this one's from a Lara Bingle. She says: "Where the bloody hell are you?" Not sure what that one's about, but anyway... On with the game?
Sidhu: On with the game or on with the illusions! Magic sultanas breathe quietly in a quiet chamber! Round 3 is Beatlemania.
Nicholas: This was our most successful game last year. The ladies in the crowd particularly loved Freddie Flintoff's cricketing rendition of 'Sexy Sadie'. Who will be singing the songs this year? Let's find out...
Lawry: On the Australian team, we have picked MIKE HUSSEY to sing for us tonight!
*CROWD CHEERS*
Lawry: Now, Mike, you have to pick a Beatles song and edit the lyrics to make it related to cricket. The most creative song wins tonight's Trivia Night so everyone can watch Steve Harmison being dunked in fishy water!
*CROWD APPLAUDS*
Lawry: Off you go, Mike.
Hussey: Right, well...
Yesterday,
Cricket was such an easy game to play,
Now it looks as though I'm shit at playing,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be.
The selectors are hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came shittily.
Why I
Had to be so shit, I couldn't say.
I did
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Boycott: *interrupting* Yes, I think we know how the rest of the song goes. Next, please. Harbhajan's up.
Harbhajan: Uh...
Help, I need somebody,
Help, these people are crazy,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now I've been ambushed by Sidhu and co.
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm freaked out.
And I do appreciate you helping out.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?
Boycott: Yes, we know how that one goes too. Mike Hussey and the Australians win for their heartfelt rendition of 'Yesterday'. Now can we get along to the REAL highlight of the night, that is, dunking Steve Harmison here in fishy water?
*CROWD GOES WILD AND RISES TO THEIR FEET*
Harmy: Help me please, I've been up here ale neet.
Sidhu: Dunk him, Geoff!
Boycott: *pushes Harmison into tank of fishy water*
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! What a sight! What a night!
Lawry: I couldn't agree with you more.
Sidhu: *to audience* That's all for this year's Annual Cricket Trivia Night. Tune in next year, and remember, you may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg! Good night!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
*CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ACROSS AUDIENCE*
*CUE CLOSING TITLES OVER A VIDEO FEED OF HARMY STEPPING OUT OF THE DUNK TANK*
*CAMERA PANS ACROSS AUDIENCE, BEFORE ZOOMING INTO STAGE*
Navjot Singh Sidhu: Good evening! Welcome to the Annual Cricket Trivia Night, sponsored by the funds from my Pro-Road Rage campaign. After last year's success with England and Zimbabwe, we have returned once more!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: Tonight's hosts are myself and a man who, despite his smooth looks, never found himself playing a Test for England. Yes, that's right, it's the one and only MARK NICHOLAS!
*CROWD ERUPTS INTO APPLAUSE*
Mark Nicholas: *steps onto stage* By heaven! What a huge audience! Well, it's going to become a little bigger because tonight we don't have one, no not one, not even two, not two, but FOUR hosts. You heard right, FOUR HOSTS!
Sidhu: The wind is in the willows but so are the leaves! Come on down, Geoffrey Boycott and Bill Lawry!
Bill Lawry: *walks onto stage alone*
Nicholas: But what is this? Where is Geoff? *smile plays at his lips* Well, I can give you the answer to that! Tonight Geoff has brought along a very special guest and they're behind the scenes in a special... DUNK TANK!
*CROWD ROARS IN APPRECIATION*
Lawry: That's right, we're going to be video conferencing with Geoff the entire night as he toughs it out with last year's champion player STEVE HARMISON! This year, to spice things up a little, Steve has volunteered to be the victim of our dunk tank at the end of the night.
*ON SCREEN*
Geoffrey Boycott: Yes, Steve was kind enough to grace us with his presence, especially after those comments he recently came out with about me. I'm a caricature, hey? A joke? People cringe when they see me? Well, everyone's going to be cringing at the end of tonight when you've just been dunked in FISHY WATER!
*CROWD CHEERS*
*CAMERA ZOOMS INTO MURKY WATER BENEATH HARMY AND ON A SARDINE PRESSED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE DUNK TANK*
Steve Harmison: I divvent noo you was bringing me into toon foor this.
Boycott: Back to you, Bill!
Lawry: It's all happening!
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Let's introduce tonight's teams. They are: the lean mean bullying machine, AUSTRALIA!
*CROWD CHEERS*
Nicholas: And on the other side, the team that has orchestrated more inter-nation power struggles than any other in the history of cricket, give it up for INDIA!
*CROWD BOOS*
Sidhu: Cockatoos often boo on fine summer days, but partisanship is the most delectable entity of modern day society!
*CROWD IS SILENT*
Lawry: Bang! Let's meet the teams. Each team has six representatives, whether current players or retired, and their one goal is to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS! First up, Australia! Tonight's team consists of the one, the only, RICKY PONTING! His soon-to-be successor, MICHAEL CLARKE! ANDREW "GONE FISHING" SYMONDS!!! Recently retired but still as bullish as ever, MATTHEW HAYDEN! The best leg spinner in history, SHANE WARNE! And finally, he began with a bang and has recently experienced a slump in form. We think he won't make it, but at least he's made it here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S MICHAEL HUSSEY!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: On the Indian side, we have 6 players, 5 of whom are not here tonight! Sorry, Harbhajan, we told you your team mates would be turning up, but we LIED in order to isolate you on live television. Anything for an Australian audience!
Harbhajan: Shit, I should have known this was an ambush.
Sidhu: Instead of your team mates, we now have 5 dummies which you will provide voices for, sort of like a ventriloquist, only more obvious. Dead as a dodo, here are your team mates: Gautam Gambhir! Ishant Sharma! Sachin Tendulkar! Mahendra Singh Dhoni! And.... VIRENDER SEHWAG!
*CROWD CHEERS AT THIS NEW TWIST*
Nicholas: Before we begin, I'd just like to invite viewers at home to send in their thoughts on the game or any questions for players! Go wild by text or email!
Harmy: Wot's going un?
Boycott: The first round of Annual Cricket Trivia Night! What Am I? The first question is for the Australian team. Hands on your buzzers, boys. Here goes: What Am I? I am a famous Australian horse race and stopping the nation--
Ponting: *buzzes in* The Melbourne Cup!
Boycott: ...And stopping the nation is the one thing I don't do. Incorrect! The correct answer was the Birdsville Races!
Matt Hayden: *to Ponting* I thought you knew about this kind of shit, Punter. Now we're going to lose to a racist nigger.
Mike Hussey: That's ironic...
Sidhu: Ironic it is! The darling buds of May simmer gently in the wafting breeze. A question for the Indian team now: What Am I? I'm an obnoxious little weed.
Harbhajan: ...Me?
Hayden: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!
Symonds: THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
Sidhu: Incorrect! The answer is milfoil!
Lawry: Got him, yes! This is a ripper of a game!
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! Let's move onto the next round, Spotlight, in which we focus on one player in each team and ask him a question which they must respond with the truth to!
Boycott: BUT WAIT!
*CROWD GASPS IN UNISON*
Boycott: We have received our first viewer message of the night!
*CROUD CHEERS LOUDLY*
Boycott: It's from a "Bianca" in England. And it's a message for Shane!
Shane Warne: *looks up from mobile phone in horror*
Boycott: Yes, Bianca writes "Hey Warnie, thanks for the text. I didn't know you fancied me, but I'd be more than happy to come in through your back door."
Warne: *to crowd* I swear, Simone, that text was meant for you!
Simone (in audience): *stands* You pathetic bastard! *storms out of studio*
*CROWD BUZZES WITH EXCITEMENT*
Sidhu: My, my, only a little while in, and things are already heating up! Your kentucky fried chicken might be hot but so is Warnie's mattress! He is like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition!
Nicholas: Moving onto the second round, then? The Australian team is up and who will the spotlight focus on?
*LIGHTS HOVER OVER EACH PLAYER BEFORE COMING TO A PAUSE ON HAYDEN'S HEAD*
Nicholas: It's Matty Hayden! Here's your question: In your own words, who is Ellen DeGeneres?
Hayden: *spits* The devil's agent! *clutches crucifix* Lord, protect me from her evil ways. What Would Jesus Do? Fuck this shit, he'd kill her. Oh Lord, Lord, may you be with me and may you expel the devil from her soul, preferably through death. Amen.
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Oh yes that's it! What a response! That's maximum!
Lawry: I think it's time we moved onto the Indian team. The spotlight has fallen on... *dramatic pause* Dhoni!
Harbhajan: *sits awkwardly*
Lawry: Dhoni, in 25 words or less, how does it feel to be targeted and threatened by political activists?
Harbhajan/Dhoni: ...Bad.
Lawry: Got him, yes! What a cracker of a response!
*CROWD BOOS*
Boycott: I think I have the perfect thing to cheer up our audience! It's another message from a viewer!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
Boycott: Yes, this one's from a Lara Bingle. She says: "Where the bloody hell are you?" Not sure what that one's about, but anyway... On with the game?
Sidhu: On with the game or on with the illusions! Magic sultanas breathe quietly in a quiet chamber! Round 3 is Beatlemania.
Nicholas: This was our most successful game last year. The ladies in the crowd particularly loved Freddie Flintoff's cricketing rendition of 'Sexy Sadie'. Who will be singing the songs this year? Let's find out...
Lawry: On the Australian team, we have picked MIKE HUSSEY to sing for us tonight!
*CROWD CHEERS*
Lawry: Now, Mike, you have to pick a Beatles song and edit the lyrics to make it related to cricket. The most creative song wins tonight's Trivia Night so everyone can watch Steve Harmison being dunked in fishy water!
*CROWD APPLAUDS*
Lawry: Off you go, Mike.
Hussey: Right, well...
Yesterday,
Cricket was such an easy game to play,
Now it looks as though I'm shit at playing,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be.
The selectors are hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came shittily.
Why I
Had to be so shit, I couldn't say.
I did
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Boycott: *interrupting* Yes, I think we know how the rest of the song goes. Next, please. Harbhajan's up.
Harbhajan: Uh...
Help, I need somebody,
Help, these people are crazy,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now I've been ambushed by Sidhu and co.
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm freaked out.
And I do appreciate you helping out.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?
Boycott: Yes, we know how that one goes too. Mike Hussey and the Australians win for their heartfelt rendition of 'Yesterday'. Now can we get along to the REAL highlight of the night, that is, dunking Steve Harmison here in fishy water?
*CROWD GOES WILD AND RISES TO THEIR FEET*
Harmy: Help me please, I've been up here ale neet.
Sidhu: Dunk him, Geoff!
Boycott: *pushes Harmison into tank of fishy water*
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! What a sight! What a night!
Lawry: I couldn't agree with you more.
Sidhu: *to audience* That's all for this year's Annual Cricket Trivia Night. Tune in next year, and remember, you may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg! Good night!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
*CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ACROSS AUDIENCE*
*CUE CLOSING TITLES OVER A VIDEO FEED OF HARMY STEPPING OUT OF THE DUNK TANK*
Friday, 10 April 2009
Winners and Losers
South Africa win, Australia lose. Albie does shit all to help the saffas in their win. Instead, AB's the man of the night (or Kallis, if we're looking at who won MoM) with his 80 off 87 balls, and Jacques' 70 off 86 balls. Mark Boucher was similarly good towards the end of the innings, whereas Albie just never seemed to settle in during his 29 run stand.
Hit it harder, goddammit. But don't get out either.
ROFL did an excellent job, coming in the last over and scoring a quick 6. He also took 3/37, picking up Clarke, Mike Hussey and Ferguson. On the subject of Hussey, the poor man was out lbw for 1. He's had a terrible time of it, but this seemed to be fate intervening, with the lbw call being clearly wrong. He'd inside edged the ball, but apparently nature was having none of it and natural order prevailed. Mike went back to the dressing room. Things are looking grey for him.
How good was the Echidna, however? 63 off 68 balls, a career best in ODIs, matched only by James Hopes' 63 off 60 balls. Ferguson is really carving himself a place in this side. That's two matches where he's been the first Aussie to step up and put up a real fight.
"Soon, my precioussss, I will take Mike Hussey's place in the side."
On the SA side, when the batting powerplay was called, Duminy cracked into the ball, hitting a six and a four on consecutive balls. Albie was promoted 2 places up the order specially for the powerplay, but eventually swung clumsily at a ball from Johnson, to be bowled. He had a semi-revenge later that night, however, when he bowled the ball on which Johnson was run out. Not amazing, seeing as Duminy was the one who did the real work, but it's something. Success by association. In the end, Albie was the most expensive SA bowler, going for 6.60 runs an over. Not pretty when you compare it to Roelof's economy rate of 3.70, and the 3 wickets alongside it. In any case, it's not as though Albie's going to be dropped from the squad. Not like Morne (Albie is still gloating).What else? I'm happy to write this about Johnson, seeing as he bowled well but didn't bat at all that well, but he picked up 4 wickets for 34. Impressive. Bowling, that is.
After this all, Ponting is thankfully thinking up excuses to keep Brett Geeves out of the team. Apparently Geeves "has a sore foot at the moment. [They] don't know the extent of it yet but he's hobbling around quite a bit in the change rooms."
Anything to keep him out of the side, hey, Ricky?
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Australia going nuts
Well, no, they're not. It just seemed like an interesting title. Australia has announced a 14 man squad for the ODI series against Pakistan later this month. Ricky Ponting, Mitchell Johnson and Mike Hussey are being rested for the series. At least Mike can be glad he was rested alongside the captain, or it might be a little concerning. It still is.
Shane Watson and Brett Lee are back in the game, returning from injuries. Watson may only play the role of batsman until late in the series, however.
The lovely Fisher Roy is also back, probably because the Aussies are getting scared of losing. He's also 33 now. Seems to be getting old.
The team:
Michael Clarke (c) NSW
Brad Haddin (vc) NSW
Nathan Bracken NSW
Callum Ferguson SA
Brett Geeves TAS
Nathan Hauritz NSW
Ben Hilfenhaus TAS
James Hopes QLD
David Hussey VIC
Ben Laughlin QLD
Brett Lee NSW
Shaun Marsh WA
Andrew Symonds QLD
Shane Watson QLD
You won't believe who I'm supporting in this series.
Shane Watson and Brett Lee are back in the game, returning from injuries. Watson may only play the role of batsman until late in the series, however.
The lovely Fisher Roy is also back, probably because the Aussies are getting scared of losing. He's also 33 now. Seems to be getting old.
The team:
Michael Clarke (c) NSW
Brad Haddin (vc) NSW
Nathan Bracken NSW
Callum Ferguson SA
Brett Geeves TAS
Nathan Hauritz NSW
Ben Hilfenhaus TAS
James Hopes QLD
David Hussey VIC
Ben Laughlin QLD
Brett Lee NSW
Shaun Marsh WA
Andrew Symonds QLD
Shane Watson QLD
You won't believe who I'm supporting in this series.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Mike Hussey drops out again
It's almost getting ridiculous. I tapped into the CSK phonelines and caught onto this call originating from South Africa a few minutes ago:
"Listen, uh, I'm dropping out of this, mate... Ricky, what's wrong? Stop crying, I'm on the phone... So I just wanted to tell you guys. When can we arrange an... Pup, you weren't that bad... Yes, you did get better than me. No need to rub salt in the wound, will you let me get on with this call? Right, sorry about that, what was I saying? When can we arrange a press conference for this news? Why aren't you responding? ...No thanks, Bracks, I'll pass on the pink cupcakes... Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? It's me, Mike. I want to drop out of the IPL. Hello? HELLO?"
Mike Hussey back in the IPL
At a press conference:
"I realise that I, uh, may have been too hasty in my decision to withdraw from this year's IPL. So I'm... back in. I hope the Chennai Super Kings didn't miss me during my short-lived absence. Right! That's that... Just out of curiosity, did any of you happen to see me score 83? Yes? Okay, just wondering."So he's in.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
First ODI in Durban
I won't say much. Australia won by 141 runs, after posting a score of 286, which SA met with getting all out on 145. After I tuned out, Michael had a ripper of a night, gettig his mojo back, ad hitting the 83 runs that saved Australia. Australia's bowling attack was also pretty darn good, and Nathan Hauritz returned career-best figures of 4/29.
The South Africans were poor. Their bowling outweighed their batting, though, but Albie wasn't doing them any favours. He ended up going for 6.37 runs per over. Not as bad as Ntini's 7.44 but Morne picked up 2 wickets at 6.10. Look who's trying to upstage their big brother. Well, granted, Morne's the specialist bowler, and thank god Albie identifies himself as a batting allrounder.
In the South African camp, Graeme Smith scored 52, trying to put SA back into the game, but the rest of the batting line-up crumbled. Maybe they thought that Albie might be able to salvage it for them (I doubt they ever thought this, though) but when he came in, SA were out of the match and there was nothing anyone could do. Boucher was still too excited from his award that he got out on a duck.
Well, on the bright side, Albie did participate in 2 run-outs:
I like it when you get people out, not get out yourself.
But Morne was the one getting wickets... Luckily, James Hopes is coming to get him.
"Fuck, I'm going to kill you."
The revelation of the night, however, was Nathan Bracken:
"Haha, tricked you, fools! You thought I was a man."
Friday, 3 April 2009
Amy S. infiltrates AB de Villiers' website
There is a reason I have waited this long to comment on this. And it is because I have been secretly infiltrating AB's website. Don't believe me? Consider this:
Yes, that is me. Yes, I am now famous. A few days ago, I checked out AB's website to discover to my horror that he now had a scrolling fan mail section running across the top of his page. It moved too fast to actually read anything without getting sore eyes, but I noticed the comments seemed pretty recent. And from there I decided that the only way I was going to post about AB's site was if I managed to get myself on it.
And I did. It was just a matter of making myself seem like a fan and disguising my ridicule at his amazing website as best as possible. I am now on AB de Villiers' website and he is none the wiser as to who I am or my true identity. Super sleuth Amy, that's what they call me. If you look up the website, you'll see my fan mail after a while. It is listed after a person named Suhail Bhat, and the comment that is published is:
Hey AB!!!! This is just fan mail, but I didn't know where else to send it!!! I'm Aussie and I think you're the greatest!!! Keep up the great work, I love your fielding and your website is THE BEST!!! I think the scrolling comments are AWESOME!!!! ... Hope your team wins all the ODIs and you get more hits on your GREAT website!!!
Great stuff.
But it gets better. Much better. In fact, the original comment I mailed off to AB had a sentence wedged between "AWESOME!!!!" and "Hope your team..." which was basically my attempt to sneak in a little Albie love onto AB's website and therefore undermine his efforts to be COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AMAZING. It was:
I think Albie is also really amazing and awesome!!!
But notice this one sentence didn't turn up on the scrolling comments. Cue hysterics on my part. AB censored my email and removed the comment on Albie Morkel. He replaced the entire sentence on Albie with an ellipse. Notice he didn't do this to any other fan mail that came through. This is almost better than Jacques Kallis' website. I feel special. My comment mattered to him. AB doesn't want the glory to be shared with other players. This is his website, goddammit! And his fans had better praise only him or face censorship at the hands of his Holy ABness.
"Do you see my armpits? I'm the amazing one. Remember that."
AB has a little motto which he uses to sign-off on diary entries: "Stay sharp!" He's even included it in a logo in the header of his site. I don't know what kind of a person you would have to be to do something like make up a cutesy motto to represent yourself, but as I find out through my exploration of the site, AB is a creepily positive and entirely strange person. He seems to be made out of cardboard. I literally cannot detect any personality in this guy besides "WE JUST LOST BUT I'M FEELING SO POSITIVE!!!! Stay sharp!". It is unnerving.
Take his latest diary entry, for example:
We've just arrived at the O.R Tambo airport and I've managed to find a quick 10 minutes for a short update. We're travelling to Durban for the 1st of 5 ODI's. Today will include a quick half an hour of exciting beach volleyball, and then a good stretch and swim session in the warm waters of the ocean.
A wonderful start to the shorter version of the game for us!! That's exactly what we were hoping for. We played very good cricket in the last two Pro 20's and gained a lot of momentum going into the 1st one day international.
We'll be aiming to keep raising our standard of play!
Hope to make you proud over the next couple of weeks.
Stay sharp,
AB
Then there's his constant obsession with "raising our standard of play" or words to that effect. It is present in nearly every diary entry he makes. Even when South Africa have just won a series or thrashed the Aussies, he returns to the old "we'll be looking to raise the bar in the next match!" I am disturbed by how generic he is. How do you keep up this personality without imploding? Is he always this way? How do his teammates stand him? That is my question.
SA have just lost a Test series 5-0. They sit dejectedly in the dressing room.
AB: Don't worry, guys! We'll just have to aim to raise our standard of play! Stay sharp! Here's some cookies I baked for you guys to make you feel better! Mmm, choc chip! Jacques, have some. I reserved an entire batch especially for you!
AB is determined to not appear to be gloating about his amazing abilities in sport. He has all SuperSport articles relating to the SA cricket team syndicated on his website, so every article appears there automatically. However, when he recently hit the 163 against Australia, an article about "AB thrashing the Aussies" appeared on his website. And then a day later, it was taken down, mysteriously vanishing from the site. "163?" says AB. "What 163? I'm just a humble cricketer." He avoided the topic in his diary entry as well.
In fact, the only mention you will find of his sporting prowess is in the highly amusing "Profile" of him. He plays cricket, golf, tennis and rugby. His golf handicap is 5. In case you weren't feeling inferior enough already. There's also some extremely useful stuff on this page:
He’s also a bundle of energy and agility in the field and, when called upon, has kept wicket with distinction for province and country.
A bundle of energy and agility!
He writes songs and plays the guitar, and is planning to release a CD before long.
He's already released a single titled "Show them who you are" with a random Ampie du Preez. It is... interesting. That is all I am willing to volunteer in my current state.
Is he scared of anything? Jip, snakes!
Jip... oh god...
He likes pasta, and prefers to drink passionfruit & soda.
I hope we don't have another Kallis on our hands. At least Jack Daniels isn't his favourite drink. Although I'm not sure whether passionfruit & soda is any better.
AB’s most-loved book is The Bible.
Enough said.
He loves…South Africa
Good choice!
When he was young, they had a staffie, called Boris.
I'm so glad I know this now.
If he had to choose between communicating via SMS, email, letters or the phone… SMS will win!
I don't understand the point of this.
If you're a cricket fan or player with a burning question, there's also an Ask AB section in which he answers your questions. This is actually the only way through which you can send him fan mail, so AB must have to sort through hundreds of fan mail to find the Ask AB questions in order to answer them. I wonder how he does it. One day I will send him fan mail with a question mark on the end in order to throw him off a little.
If you're looking for entirely nonspecific cricketing advice, AB is the man to go to. Most of his responses to questions about batting/fielding mistakes are:
"Stay positive!!"
"Believe in yourself!!"
"Never force the ball! Just try and time it. Your natural ability will take over!!"
"Just hit it."
He also states the 3 Australian cricketers he'd most like to have dinner with are Michael Clarke, Mike Hussey and Brett Lee. I understand Hussey and Brett Lee (he'd be wanting to get tips of making a music video from the latter - apparently he was going to make a video for "Show them who you are" before the tour in Australia, but ran out of time), but Michael Clarke? Well, alright, I suppose. But only if Clarke is able to get away from Katich to have dinner in the first place.
There is also one amusing Ask AB question in which a person who identifies themselves as "de Villiers" asks AB why he airs his religious views publicly. Here's what AB had to say:
Hi De Villiers,
From my side, I sincerely believe that whatever I may manage to achieve in cricket, or in any other area of life, is made possible by God, through his son Jesus Christ.
I'd feel creeped out if I was talking to myself.
Then you get the messages in Afrikaans:
From: ABIGAIL
Message: HHEY!!! EKT SO BAIE OM VIR JOU TE Sê-EERSTENS WIL EK VIR JOU GELUK WENS MET JOU UITSTEKENDE HONDERD TAL... DIT WAS FANTASTIES. TWEEDENS GELUK AAN DIE SPAN VIR DIE BRILJANTE WEN! DIS AL WAAROOR EK PRAAT VAN GISTER AF, EN GAAN DAAROOR PRAAT TOT ONS VOLGENDE WEN... DIT WAS NOGAL HARTSEER OM STEVE BUCKNOR TE SIEN GAAN. HOOP JY GENIET DIE BLAASKANSIE...
She appears to be frantically trying to get a message across. I just don't know what. It might be a life and death situation, based on the apparent urgency of the message.
Still, this has been a fascinating foray into AB's website. I am now officially on a cricketer's website. Score! And AB cutting out my comments on Albie Morkel is the funniest thing I have experienced this week. I think it might be the one thing that makes this site even better than Jacques Kallis's.
Maybe.
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