*CUE DRAMATIC OPENING TITLES AND MUSIC*
*CAMERA PANS ACROSS AUDIENCE, BEFORE ZOOMING INTO STAGE*
Navjot Singh Sidhu: Good evening! Welcome to the Annual Cricket Trivia Night, sponsored by the funds from my Pro-Road Rage campaign. After last year's success with England and Zimbabwe, we have returned once more!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: Tonight's hosts are myself and a man who, despite his smooth looks, never found himself playing a Test for England. Yes, that's right, it's the one and only MARK NICHOLAS!
*CROWD ERUPTS INTO APPLAUSE*
Mark Nicholas: *steps onto stage* By heaven! What a huge audience! Well, it's going to become a little bigger because tonight we don't have one, no not one, not even two, not two, but FOUR hosts. You heard right, FOUR HOSTS!
Sidhu: The wind is in the willows but so are the leaves! Come on down, Geoffrey Boycott and Bill Lawry!
Bill Lawry: *walks onto stage alone*
Nicholas: But what is this? Where is Geoff? *smile plays at his lips* Well, I can give you the answer to that! Tonight Geoff has brought along a very special guest and they're behind the scenes in a special... DUNK TANK!
*CROWD ROARS IN APPRECIATION*
Lawry: That's right, we're going to be video conferencing with Geoff the entire night as he toughs it out with last year's champion player STEVE HARMISON! This year, to spice things up a little, Steve has volunteered to be the victim of our dunk tank at the end of the night.
Geoffrey Boycott: Yes, Steve was kind enough to grace us with his presence, especially after those comments he recently came out with about me. I'm a caricature, hey? A joke? People cringe when they see me? Well, everyone's going to be cringing at the end of tonight when you've just been dunked in FISHY WATER!
*CAMERA ZOOMS INTO MURKY WATER BENEATH HARMY AND ON A SARDINE PRESSED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE DUNK TANK*
Steve Harmison: I divvent noo you was bringing me into toon foor this.
Boycott: Back to you, Bill!
Lawry: It's all happening!
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Let's introduce tonight's teams. They are: the lean mean bullying machine, AUSTRALIA!
Nicholas: And on the other side, the team that has orchestrated more inter-nation power struggles than any other in the history of cricket, give it up for INDIA!
Sidhu: Cockatoos often boo on fine summer days, but partisanship is the most delectable entity of modern day society!
*CROWD IS SILENT*
Lawry: Bang! Let's meet the teams. Each team has six representatives, whether current players or retired, and their one goal is to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS! First up, Australia! Tonight's team consists of the one, the only, RICKY PONTING! His soon-to-be successor, MICHAEL CLARKE! ANDREW "GONE FISHING" SYMONDS!!! Recently retired but still as bullish as ever, MATTHEW HAYDEN! The best leg spinner in history, SHANE WARNE! And finally, he began with a bang and has recently experienced a slump in form. We think he won't make it, but at least he's made it here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S MICHAEL HUSSEY!
*CROWD GOES WILD*
Sidhu: On the Indian side, we have 6 players, 5 of whom are not here tonight! Sorry, Harbhajan, we told you your team mates would be turning up, but we LIED in order to isolate you on live television. Anything for an Australian audience!
Harbhajan: Shit, I should have known this was an ambush.
Sidhu: Instead of your team mates, we now have 5 dummies which you will provide voices for, sort of like a ventriloquist, only more obvious. Dead as a dodo, here are your team mates: Gautam Gambhir! Ishant Sharma! Sachin Tendulkar! Mahendra Singh Dhoni! And.... VIRENDER SEHWAG!
*CROWD CHEERS AT THIS NEW TWIST*
Nicholas: Before we begin, I'd just like to invite viewers at home to send in their thoughts on the game or any questions for players! Go wild by text or email!
Harmy: Wot's going un?
Boycott: The first round of Annual Cricket Trivia Night! What Am I? The first question is for the Australian team. Hands on your buzzers, boys. Here goes: What Am I? I am a famous Australian horse race and stopping the nation--
Ponting: *buzzes in* The Melbourne Cup!
Boycott: ...And stopping the nation is the one thing I don't do. Incorrect! The correct answer was the Birdsville Races!
Matt Hayden: *to Ponting* I thought you knew about this kind of shit, Punter. Now we're going to lose to a racist nigger.
Mike Hussey: That's ironic...
Sidhu: Ironic it is! The darling buds of May simmer gently in the wafting breeze. A question for the Indian team now: What Am I? I'm an obnoxious little weed.
Hayden: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!
Symonds: THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
Sidhu: Incorrect! The answer is milfoil!
Lawry: Got him, yes! This is a ripper of a game!
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! Let's move onto the next round, Spotlight, in which we focus on one player in each team and ask him a question which they must respond with the truth to!
Boycott: BUT WAIT!
*CROWD GASPS IN UNISON*
Boycott: We have received our first viewer message of the night!
*CROUD CHEERS LOUDLY*
Boycott: It's from a "Bianca" in England. And it's a message for Shane!
Shane Warne: *looks up from mobile phone in horror*
Boycott: Yes, Bianca writes "Hey Warnie, thanks for the text. I didn't know you fancied me, but I'd be more than happy to come in through your back door."
Warne: *to crowd* I swear, Simone, that text was meant for you!
Simone (in audience): *stands* You pathetic bastard! *storms out of studio*
*CROWD BUZZES WITH EXCITEMENT*
Sidhu: My, my, only a little while in, and things are already heating up! Your kentucky fried chicken might be hot but so is Warnie's mattress! He is like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition!
Nicholas: Moving onto the second round, then? The Australian team is up and who will the spotlight focus on?
*LIGHTS HOVER OVER EACH PLAYER BEFORE COMING TO A PAUSE ON HAYDEN'S HEAD*
Nicholas: It's Matty Hayden! Here's your question: In your own words, who is Ellen DeGeneres?
Hayden: *spits* The devil's agent! *clutches crucifix* Lord, protect me from her evil ways. What Would Jesus Do? Fuck this shit, he'd kill her. Oh Lord, Lord, may you be with me and may you expel the devil from her soul, preferably through death. Amen.
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Oh yes that's it! What a response! That's maximum!
Lawry: I think it's time we moved onto the Indian team. The spotlight has fallen on... *dramatic pause* Dhoni!
Harbhajan: *sits awkwardly*
Lawry: Dhoni, in 25 words or less, how does it feel to be targeted and threatened by political activists?
Lawry: Got him, yes! What a cracker of a response!
Boycott: I think I have the perfect thing to cheer up our audience! It's another message from a viewer!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
Boycott: Yes, this one's from a Lara Bingle. She says: "Where the bloody hell are you?" Not sure what that one's about, but anyway... On with the game?
Sidhu: On with the game or on with the illusions! Magic sultanas breathe quietly in a quiet chamber! Round 3 is Beatlemania.
Nicholas: This was our most successful game last year. The ladies in the crowd particularly loved Freddie Flintoff's cricketing rendition of 'Sexy Sadie'. Who will be singing the songs this year? Let's find out...
Lawry: On the Australian team, we have picked MIKE HUSSEY to sing for us tonight!
Lawry: Now, Mike, you have to pick a Beatles song and edit the lyrics to make it related to cricket. The most creative song wins tonight's Trivia Night so everyone can watch Steve Harmison being dunked in fishy water!
Lawry: Off you go, Mike.
Hussey: Right, well...
Cricket was such an easy game to play,
Now it looks as though I'm shit at playing,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
The selectors are hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came shittily.
Had to be so shit, I couldn't say.
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Boycott: *interrupting* Yes, I think we know how the rest of the song goes. Next, please. Harbhajan's up.
Help, I need somebody,
Help, these people are crazy,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now I've been ambushed by Sidhu and co.
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm freaked out.
And I do appreciate you helping out.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?
Boycott: Yes, we know how that one goes too. Mike Hussey and the Australians win for their heartfelt rendition of 'Yesterday'. Now can we get along to the REAL highlight of the night, that is, dunking Steve Harmison here in fishy water?
*CROWD GOES WILD AND RISES TO THEIR FEET*
Harmy: Help me please, I've been up here ale neet.
Sidhu: Dunk him, Geoff!
Boycott: *pushes Harmison into tank of fishy water*
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! What a sight! What a night!
Lawry: I couldn't agree with you more.
Sidhu: *to audience* That's all for this year's Annual Cricket Trivia Night. Tune in next year, and remember, you may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg! Good night!
*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
*CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ACROSS AUDIENCE*
*CUE CLOSING TITLES OVER A VIDEO FEED OF HARMY STEPPING OUT OF THE DUNK TANK*
Why have the England players gone to Dubai?
9 hours ago